You'll see as I go

[lil_loser]

boom shaka-laka

Last night was awesome, yo. The last episode of Buffy FOREVER, *sniffle* Spike and Anya died...they were awesome! *sighs* Oh well, it's just a show, but *still!*

But last night in general was even awesomer(is that a word? I wonder...). I didn't get home until about...5am, so bed was the only thought on my mind when I walked through the door, well, the night was on my mind, yeah, but bed was right behind it. It was just, one of the most amazing nights ever...

I can't really explain though, I won't allow myself. Rules is rules, so says I. Maybe when things aren't so up in the air, then and only then will I be able to find the words, and *use* them!:up:

I gotta look pretty now and eat Have a wonderful day.

 

[lil_loser]

phone dilemmas, *pfft*

I wrote this update at my parents house, and then left and forgot to post it, and realized that my sister had deleted it anyway. *shrugs* Well, what I wrote about has changed anyway. I *did* however look really cute today, and decided to wear a dress to look spiffy for no one in general except myself. And I looked smashing, I must say. However, it's a really cruddy day today - what with the rain and no sun and all - so once I got home I changed into some jeans and a long sleeve shirt. There goes uber cute. That's ok though, it was fun for a few hours, anyway. Maybe I'll look uber cute for work on Friday....

Well, I called the "LabCorp" people to see if I could make an appointment to get blood work done, but no one answered their phone! I let it ring for a good five minutes, and then I *thought* someone had picked it up, but it just went to a dial tone...So I called again. Same deal happened. I dunno what's up, but I guess I'll call tomorrow - they close at 4, apparently - and make an appointment then. It doesn't really put much of a damper in my already amazing mood, so I'm not going to let it bother me. Gotta get up earlier though, and then maybe I'll be able to get in touch with them. We'll see tomorrow.

This one chick at work thinks I don't like her because I made a face when she invited me to her party. It's not that I don't like her, it's just that the party falls on a Saturday the week after the "Atta Boy" party, and I'm not even sure if I have that day off yet. I work weekends, and parties are usually pretty spontanious, and fall on weekends, so usually I don't get any notice of when it's going to be, and *sigh* gotta work. It's sucky, but I got bills that need to be paid. Thankfully, this summer Nurm is having his usual "I peed on myself" party Can't wait for that one, *heh*.

Well, I've got a phone call and some pills I need to make/take. Have a jolly fun time.

 

[lil_loser]

pool *kya!!!!!!*

I didn't make the pills, I had to make the phone call and take the pills...i re-read that and I was like, " What the hell was I thinkng!?"

My throat is one big mass of pain. She gave me a strep test, and it came up negative - which is good - so I don't know why the hell my throat feels like sand paper. Unless I somehow managed to get strep 3 days after the doctors appt...*sigh* That would be my luck. My tonsils look nasty *makes a face* Uber nasty...

Was supposed to do lunch tomorrow with HD, but I'd rather he get some sleep, so we can hang out Thursday night and be wide awake. For safety reasons and so we can stay out longer. Pool tomorrow *cheers* It's been 2 whole weeks since we last played, gosh, I'm gonna be worse than normal - is that possible??? Tomorrow is Thursday already, gosh time flies.
(Ooooooooooo, payday tomorrow too!)

I need to shower, hopefully warm me up. Always cold *sigh*. That's ok though, it's ok it's ok, 'cuz I'm happy.

Sweet dreams all.

 

[lil_loser]

unhealthy me

I must have strep. I know what it feels like - I used to get it 5 times a year - and *this* feels like the motherload of EVIL. It's as if all pain I could be experiencing in other parts of my body has become a massive ball of pain in my throat. Ah yes, so pleasant. Swallowing is a chore, joy.

I should take a shower and do some laundry and clean the kitchen and make myself something to eat for lunch. I don't eat right, at all. Which is probably one of the reasons that I can't shake my illness(s). If I'm home, I'll usually eat one meal, and then that's something that is quick and easy - ummm, like a hotpocket - like last night I had toast. WOW. Filling. I had had soup earlier, but just ramen noodles, and that's not really all that healthy either. I just don't see the point in cooking something and actually having to *defrost* and *mix ingredients* when it's only for myself. It seems like a waste, but I think that's because I came from a 6 person family, so I'm still not used to the whole smaller portions idea. My mom used to use like, 3 cans of green beans, and a huge roast - yummy! - and a whole freakin' bag of potatos(depending on the size of course) for mashed 'taters. I open 1 can of beans, and usually eat half.

*sigh*

But I should make something healthy today, 'cuz I'm still not better and a good meal is definetly on my mind.

I should get going then.

 

[lil_loser]

Danimal's got an edu-ma-cation

Well, I got my blood drawn, and am now just waiting on the results. I don't expect anything to show, because I didn't go to the doctors till the end of my whole "sickness" and then didn't get my blood drawn until the *very* end of it all, so this is probably just a waste of money. My arm is all swollen and puffy now, but HD'll be happy that I got checked out and this way if it *is* anything serious - which I highly doubt - then it'll be brought out into the open. Rock on me.

Danimal, aka Nad is graduating tonight. Big college grad-u-it. We're all happy for him. His "Atta Boy" party is next week, so *hopefully* I've got that day off, I still don't even know. But yeah, I couldn't go to the graduation because it's such a cruddy day out, and there weren't enough tickets, unfortunatly. But the celebration is taking place at our house (I'm assuming) so I'm not really missing anything except the boring part.

Guess I should tidy up then, so everyone can feel comfortable with out seeing "Panties Eeeeeeeeverywhere!"
I'm really not *that* bad....

Toodles, all.

 

[lil_loser]

I FOUND A DOLLAR IN THE DRYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....carry on.....

 

[lil_loser]

Good news for me

*smiles*

I got the "atta boy" party off! I can't believe she approved it, you have no idea how much this means to me. Of course now that I think about it, I should have taken off the following day for recovery...but so long as I don't get *really* tanked, I think I'll survive.

I was picking at my teeth(dentist appointment must be made...oh so lazy). I looked over, and dad was at my shoulder.
"Hi dad."
"I'm taking a couple Yuengling's." - (Personally, I'm guessing 4...)
"Okeydoke, rough night?"
"Yeah..."
"Bye dad."
*closes door*

Rough night.

I'm currently massaging my scalp and thinking about how much the next couple of days are going to suck. Saturday = all alone. Sunday = Chica(who'll probably be stuck at courtesy, which = all alone). I shed a tear for me.

I'm done.

I need to write a letter then hit the shower then hit the mattress.

 

[lil_loser]

just a rundown of my night

Mwa-ha-ha-HAH! What a shit-tacular day, I mock everything and everything mocks me and I.....

FUCK!
Allergy pill...I did not take you....(at 12:11, this calamity occured)

(at 12:19 I came back. I had other stuff to do as well.) All better...stupid allergy pills....damn pollen....

A fun fun night! 15 cashiers called out/were on vacation/disability/quit but were still on the schedule/or were scheduled wrong. Out of 29. Most of them were the night crew, so we were screwed out of our breaks once again (LiR Lisa and I). This place sucks though, because they don't want you to have overtime, so that means before this week is up, LiR Lisa and I will have to somehow manage to get rid of the extra hour we required tonight. That won't be a problem for me, because HD and I always take uber long lunches. I remember coming in to work on Friday, and they told me I had 1 minute of OT, I had to take one minute longer on my lunch break!!! WOW, a whole minute...*rolls eyes* Just 'cuz overtime is the *devil* at Wal*Mart...freakin' cheapskates.

I loathe Saturdays, and realize just how spoiled I am going to be when I get my vacation. I'm taking Fridays and Saturdays off for 4 weeks. *HUGE grin* So this way, I get off Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday normally, and am getting *paid* to be off on Friday and Saturday. I work 2 whole days a week for 4 weeks...I'm going to be so spoiled rotton when I have to go back to my normal schedule. It is *definetly* worth it though.

I'm going to love this...

I'm waiting for a phone call from HD. He's in Massachusettes(sp?) for his brothers college graduation, and won't be back til Monday...crumbs... But currently he is in a pool hall(where else would the boy be??), so I'm waiting til he's back home and a wee bit sobered up. Can't wait to hear his voice though - I mean, a whole *day* without talking to him...that's just ghastly. I have so much more I wish I could say about us, but I can't, so I won't. Damn promises to self, harsh cruel reality bites ya in the ass...and no, no one is cheating on anyone. We aren't like that. Just want to clear that up before you assume...Assumptions aren't always right, I know SOOOOO well.

I noticed I have no music on...what the hey???
Ah, Slick Shoes, much better.

There's this new guy at work, who totally creeps me out. Let's call him...Wandering Eyes, or WE, for short. I met him once, yesterday, and he calls me "babe", and "girl". Now (A) Only one guy calls me babe, and it's not *you*, Mr. Wandering Eyes; and (B) I'm his supervisor, I just need to be called my name, thanks. And his eyes...Jeebus...I *hate* when people follow me with their eyes. I feel like I'm on display, and I hate being in the 'spotlight' as it is anyway. Eyes always wandering, searching, undressing me with them...*shudder* creeps me out to *SUCH* degrees, you could only imagine. I've never felt completely at ease with guys anyway - only one, really, no joke! - so this just ups the "unease" feelings. Thank you, Mr. Wandering Eyes for making me feel self conscience.

*Huge Grin* I just got a call from my HD. He called to tell me he missed me and just to talk. He's so great. So amazingly *sigh* just amazing. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life, and I owe it all to him. On this happy note, I think I'm going to hit the mattress in a few. G'night to everyone here, pleasant dreams.

 

[lil_loser]

Apple Jacks

I was supposed to go to the doctors tomorrow, but I'm way too tired to get up early and go there, so I think I'll go on one of my days off. I'm just *ugh* EXHAUSTED!!

I fell asleep on the couch watching "Adult Swim" and looked at the clock: eeep, 1AM. Really not to bad for the girl that usually goes to bed at 3/4. And now I got an hours nap under my belt. Rock on me, rock on. I want Apple Jacks.

Currently eating said Apple Jacks, and realized they are going to add some kind of stupid shapes to them. What the hell, can't they just leave well enough alone? First, they wanted to change the taste to taste *more* like apples. *pffffft* If I wanted THAT, I'd eat an apple or friggin' Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Now, because that idea flopped - thankfully - they want to add either "blue carrots", "brown bananas" or "orange discs". *blank look* They can't even choose shades of food that are APPETIZING!!! Don't tell me I'm the only one that thinks this is a ridiculous idea. I mean, come *on* blue carrots!? It's just assanine, completely assanine....

I have very strong feelings towards my breakfast cereals, you should have *HEARD* me rant when Cinnamon Toast Crunch got "swirls" Woooooooooo......

Aight, i got an email to write, and a bed to sleep in, so *woooooosh* away I go...night all...

 

[lil_loser]

something I should have talked about awhile ago

Ok, I feel I need to say what makes me so happy, and I didn't say so before because God only knows if I know anyone on here, and vice versa. But it's a chance I'm taking now, because I honestly can't hold it in anymore. I mean, I already know of two people that know anyway, so what's a couple of strangers, right??? Right.

So HD broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. Maybe about a month or so, I'm not too sure. I asked him if it was because of me, because he had once told me he would never leave anyone for someone else (it happened to him, so he can relate) and he said no, it was because of her. He left her because of her. I can relate to this, however, I still feel in the back of my mind it is because of me, but he says it isnt', and he can't lie for shit, so that's something, eh?

Anyhoo, we aren't seeing one another, officially yet. I'm happy, like ecstatic(sp?) because we've talked about us, and that's probably going to be happening really soon, because he had said he wanted to wait a while til he got into a new relationship, but I'm "too God damn appealing". I just smiled at that one. What would I have said to that one?

Now, the only problem is, we both like our jobs. I like mine, he likes his, having a secure job is a good thing. That is why I didn't want to say anything to anyone, and have made such weird, posts that have probably only made sense to myself for the past month or so. Like this won't make sense to anyone at all but me for example. It all didn't make sense to everyone else, but that was the day when he and his girlfriend had their talk.

The shit had hit the fan, and a whole new bucket of worms had been opened.

But now we are at the whole "I'm waiting for *you* to make a move" stage. I'm at that stage, anyway. 'Cuz I'm not going to make a move, that's up to him. He's still dealing with his breakup, although I think that's just so he doesn't feel like a jerk to her, because they still hang out - as *friends*.
He also had to discuss with me his "thang"; ie, beliefs, and what have you, and we talked about that tonight, so that was a definete, albeit awkward, conversation. More on that in the future....

To add more to this merryment, remember when I had mentioned that we got a new guy, and he was/is quite handsome? Well, as that turns out, one of our ladies "Ghetto Booty" has been calling him the "Love of Her Life" since she first saw him, and it turns out that he doesn't think of her as anything more so than a friend. Why I say this adds more to the merryment is because it turns out that the new guy - Mr. Motorcycle - is interested in *me*. So now, when I've finally got the guy that I've been waiting around for for 3 years, along comes this amazingly attractive(he has awesome eyes, I must say), nice, shy guy, who drives a motorcycle, and can't get up the nerve to talk to me. What am I to say though, if he were to ever ask me out????
I can't say I'm currently seeing someone, because LiR Lisa is a HUGE gossip - she was the one that got him to spill about me - and she would somehow find out that I'm seeing someone(whether he told her or not, if he ever asked me out), and wonder who the someone is, and *know* that I'm not seeing anyone - 'cuz I would have told her, damn me - so there is that pickle.

And the fact that if he *does* actually ask me out, how would I respond to him? I can't just say I'm not interested, because that is the worst rejection of them all, especially since I find him to be quite interesting. Of course, I'm not going to jepordize my relationship with HD, but I don't want to crush his little heart either. I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. Or something like that.

Well, ya know, it's nothing I have to worry about now. Just, I'm not telling Ghetto Booty he doesn't care for her, cuz that would be horribly mean of me, and I'm not worrying too much on the whole situation anyway, because he can't even talk to me without getting flustered. It's very cute. If I was whorish and had no conscience, it'd be great. But being that I do, and am not whorish, well, Mr. Motorcycle - a Harley no less; the boy is only 20 - you'll remain an attractive co-worker, nothing more.

If only I'd have met him many moons ago huh? kidding, kidding.

Well, I got home at around 5:30ish from another amazing night with HD and I think my lack of sleep is really getting to me. I dont' get to see him til freakin' Thursday, which sucks, but when I do see him, hopefully something more will progress. With any luck we'll see. He just makes me so happy, ya know? I'm grateful to be alive, which is a change in my demenure. *heh* I'm an ass when I'm happy. Good night all.

 

[lil_loser]

icky bruise

*Yawn*

I have a massive bruise on my leg, and I haven't the foggiest as to how it got there, and when I got it. I remember I had an itch on my leg when I was in the car with HD, so I scratched it and it hurt, badly. I also noticed my skin was more raised there, but I had just assumed it was a bug bite, 'cuz it itched and hurt, so, hand-in-hand *shrugs*.

Then this morning...well, afternoon, I get up to take a shower, and am getting naked when I look down at my "bug bite" and see this HUGE, I'm talking *HUGE* bruise on my leg. Like, painful to touch, black and blue and yellow and purple and just "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi" ugly. I mean, this thing is just *vomit* (well, not that drastic, but you get the idea.) But what really irks me: I don't remember running into anything, or getting hit by anything, or just be in general a klutz as I usually am. I have no recollection of doing any of the following. It looks like I got this bruise two days ago, but I didn't notice it two days ago(I gotta shave, and didn't see anything there so...), so that would mean I got it yesterday, but I *know* didn't run into anything. Well, a shopping cart hit me in the ass...but my ass is not the side of my calf, where this lovely artwork is. Ooooooooo, so painful!

*stretch* Sooo sleepy. I shouldn't have gotton up at 2 - I know it's late, but I didn't fall asleep til 7am, after working 11 hours, so I really should have recuperated. The night out alone was worth my sleepiness, but now I'm zonking out in the middle of writing this; again, like last night. I think I need to get something sugary sweet. I'll be back in a bit.

Laffy Taffy and Nerds. Full of sugary goodness.

I've got this Saturday off for the "Atta Boy" party. That came awfully quick, huh? I'm excited, because I really didnt' want to work on Saturday - the past two have not been pleasant - and HD wont' be there because he's got prior plans; I won't see him all weekend. He said he could probably be together Sunday night, but I'm still not sure as of yet, because he said "probably". Actually, I lie, he said "I can swing it". Which is most likely a 'yes', but I'm a worry wart. I shouldn't worry though, because last time I didn't think he'd remember me(he didn't have his cell on him, and I hadn't spoken to him in 2 days so I wasn't sure if he'd remember), he snuck up on me and scared me half to death - and we had one of the best nights ever. So I'm not going to worry...besides, I'll remind him tonight

*yawn* I guess I should post this, cuz' it's been sitting up here for the past two hours, and I havne't had anything else to add to it. Shucks. Have a good one.

 

[lil_loser]

Devils' won!!!! *woooooooo* 3 more games to go *does a dance*

That's all I really wanted to say. My neck is stiff too, cuz I fell asleep on the couch at an odd odd odd angle. So now I'm sore. I'll have to ask *someone* for a massage *tee hee*

I'm a giddy school girl - minus the school part.

 

[lil_loser]

I know why I've been sick....

...turns out I have Lyme Disease. WOW. Ok see, it wasn't stupid of me to think of all the possible things I could have, I not consider Lyme's. That's because I got the vaccination about 2 years ago. That, and I got no trademark bull'seye thing. To me, Lyme's couldn't happen, just wasn't gonna happen, and there was NO WAY it's happening. Then the receptionist lady calls and gives me the news. I replied, " But I have the *VACCINE!?*(no, I wasn't that dramatic, more like, 'umm, I have the vaccine...' but this sounds better!)". She said she'd check with el doctore, and el doctore said there is an 80% chance I could get it. Heck of a vaccine, eh?? Yeah, I was a guinea pig for *that* one (serisouly, placebo test thingy, I didn't get the placebo though dammit! Well, a bunch of Gift Cards to Old Navy - I hate that store now, ironic...)

So now, I gotta buy a prescription *makes unintelligent groan; something that sounds like "money"* and eat yogurt, or acidolpholis, exactly, and I'm in the 2nd stage, which is not good, cuz I didn't know I had it, and now I'm rambling, but I don't like this whole shabazz. No SIR.

Here be the symptoms for anyone else feeling like *ME*(you're so special )

Localized Early (Acute) Stage:

• Solid red or bull's-eye rash, usually at site of bite(ok, see, I didn't get this; 80%/90% of "the people" do; I'm apparently only 20%/10% of "the people"...depressing)
• Swelling of lymph glands near tick bite(boo-yah, yeah, still swollen)
• Generalized achiness(that's why I complain)
• Headache(consistant lil fucker)

Early Disseminated Stage:

• Two or more rashes not at site of bite(*shakes head* no rashes, that I can see)
• Migrating pains in joints/tendons(My back, my knees...my knees are the worst though)
• Headache(continues to destroy the piss out of my head...that's disgusting)
• Stiff, aching neck(apparently i *don't* sleep oddly)
• Facial palsy (facial paralysis similar to Bell's palsy)(Oh God, I don't know!?)
• Tingling or numbness in extremities(yeah, actually, my hands)
• Multiple enlarged lymph glands(they're so HUGE, they're UGE, no need for 'H')
• Abnormal pulse(I didn't honestly check, how often does a person check their pulse?)
• Sore throat(that's why I thought I had strep, remember?)
• Changes in vision(I didn't notice, I just thought my glasses were dirty, happens with everyone with glasses, jeez)
• Fever of 100 to 102 F(ah yeah, damn low fever mine was 100.3)
• Severe fatique(I don't even have to mention this one on here

Late Stage: - these are the waaay late stages, I'm currently in stage 2, which last's awhile, so I've been told

• Arthritis (pain/swelling) of one or two large joints
• Disabling neurological disorders (disorientation; confusion; dizziness; short-term memory loss; inability to concentrate, finish sentences or follow conversations; mental "fog")
• Numbness in arms/hands or legs/feet

*sigh* yeah....I just wonder where the little shithead attached itself to my body. And why didn't I get a rash, what the hey? *grumble* the Lyme Disease world is out to get me. Well, atleast HD'll be happy now that I got the results - I was going to call them today if they didn't call, for "[his] piece of mind". So atleast now I can start getting better.

Alright, shower time.

 

[lil_loser]

could a kiss screw things up?

Going out with my HD in about 2 and a half hours. He's gotta get off of work, and I got to wait *heh*. Actually, I just got off the phone with him less than ten minutes ago, so it was nice to hear him. Oh gosh, he's so like "I told you so" when I told him I had Lyme. Not in the mean nasty "I told you so" way, more like the, "I knew you should have gotton checked out way". I'm really lucky. Even if nothing happens between us but we just remain friends, I'm still really lucky that I've snagged someone that really cares about my well being(much better than I do).

So yeah, tonight is going to be a night of nothing. I really don't know what to do at 11:30 in the burbs of NJ, and it's kinda too chilly for a walk - we usually go for walks all the time, but I get cold too easy, and last time we went for a walk, he didn't have a jacket - so I think just going to an all night joint and talking and drinking coffee or cocoa is in the works. Just enjoying one another's company. I wonder if he'll kiss me tonight???

That's his deal though. I don't want to over-step any boundries, and am not exactly sure where he is with everything yet, so I leave it in his hands. I am a patient chica(it's such a pain in the ass, sometimes). He had told me he was so close one night, but didn't want to rush into anything. And so, here I remain, unkissed. that's ok though, I'd rather we not rush into anything. I still think of him as my best friend, because he is, but kissing my best friend...I don't really know. The idea of him as my "boyfriend" has yet to be realized in my mind.

But then, maybe that's because we technically aren't seeing one another.

It's funny, because when I'm with him, I don't contemplate all of this, I just bask in his company. But when I'm alone, my mind decides to fuck with my heart, and I get all jumbled inside. I only worry when I'm not with him; worry things will be odd, that I'll screw up, that *he'll* screw up, that I'll bore him, that we'll grow apart, the list goes on. But when I am with him, everything falls into place, and I don't fret over any of that. Nothing is odd; it's not odd when he hugs or tickles me, or holds my hand or has his arms around me.

So why do I worry about a kiss? Because I am a loon, plain and simple. Things are finally perfect, and I fret that one simple thing is going to completely "Twilight Zone" it all...

Well, I need to take my "blood sucker" pill. And then get ready to go out. Actually, I won't be leaving til 11:30 or so, but my hair is kinda messy *makes a face*. Have a good night. Hope you enjoyed my boring ramble.

 

[lil_loser]

nothing really

Early night. I guess this is a good thing, as we'll be able to go out to lunch tomorrow - he'll be awake, and I'll be awake - and we'll be able to talk on the phone before bed tonight.

Brrrrr, it was so cold though! I had on my t-shirt, and my fleece, and his sweat shirt, and still frozen solid. But I guess that's what happens when you sit outside when the weather is unseasonably cold. When the hell is it going to be warm again? Silly weather...

WOW, my brother and his friend have been playing a videogame for the past 7 hours straight. Holy rusted metal Batman! It's so very sad, I left the house and they were playing, I return from my night out, and still playing. Seven straight hours of freakin' Everquest. Is this game really that much fun? Sometimes I wonder...but I don't ever want to try it out just in case. Kinda like smoking a cigarette. I never tried 'em out of curiousity, and thusly have no worries about being addicted. Yeah...

Well, HD should be home any minute, so I'm going to talk to him. Catch ya later.

 

[lil_loser]

"Got you where I want you"

*Streeeetch* I feel like such an ass. I was supposed to wake up today at 9, because HD and I had plans for lunch and wanted to leave decently early - as he had to be at work early. Ok. However, I set my alarm, but didn't turn it on. *hangs head in shame* So, I stayed in bed until *knock knock* on my door.

"Hey, you awake?"
"OH MY GOD! What time is it!?"
"ummm, 10:10 - you over slept"
"oh jeez, ok ok, get out, get out"
"*laughter*"

*sigh* Yeah, such an ass. So, I took a super speedy shower and got super speedily dressed and beautiful, and we were on our way. It was kind of a good thing that we left the house at 10:30 instead of 10, because where we went to eat wasn't opened until 11, and we would have had to of waited to be seated and all the fun stuff. So in all actuality, I got to sleep later and still make it to lunch at a decent time.

I hated that I had to make him wait though. I hate making people wait. I mean, I do it all the *time*, with my parents, but with other people, I dunno, it's weird. I'm weird. I dont' know what else to say on that subject...

We're playing pool tonight *huge grin* I'm horrible at it, as we all know. That's ok though, I get to spend muy mucho time with him, and that's what counts. Still no kiss yet...but I'm not worried. I've got nothing to worry about, as he's made perfectly clear.

This is so weird, to have things fall into place....

 

[lil_loser]

FREAKIN' KISS ME ALREADY!!!!!!!

 

[lil_loser]

Religion

Me and HD pretty much agree on everything. The little things, the big things. Family, life, love, sex, marriage, kids...you name it, and we'll probably agree on it. There is only one amazingly huge catch in this master plan.

Religion.

He's uber Christian. Like, *UBER* Christian. So into God that, the fact that I'm not certain where I lie with religion and God could very well put an end to the idea of us being together. Just because I don't have the same faith as him, the "correct faith" as he says...and I don't know how I feel about all this.

It's not that I don't believe in God, or that I have a problem with God or the idea of God. Nothing like that. I just don't believe that there is one correct religion, and all others are classified as 'wrong', thusly sending you to Hell because you happen to believe in Shiva or Vishnu or whoever else there may be.

No. I can't believe in that, that's just not right. If God is this all powerful forgiving force, than it shouldn't matter what you practice or preach, as long as you are kind hearted person who has their heart in the right place and believes in *something*.

Personally, I think the Bible is a bunch of ho-ha. It reminds me of one big fairy tale, because honestly, who was there when God created the world in 7 days??? Adam and Eve had not yet been made, so how could someone have even been there to record the birth of the world, when there was no such thing as a 'human'? That bothers me. But that's my own personal irk, the Bible.
For me, I think if you live your life to its fullest, and are an honest, caring person, who respects others and is just a *good person*(underline GOOD PERSON), then it shouldn't matter what your beliefs are or how you practice. Or even if you don't believe in anything except yourself, if you are an all around good person, then why should it matter if you believe in Moses instead of God? You're still believing in something that is important to you, and *that* is the only "correct faith": having one.

*sigh* To me, it really doesn't matter. It doesn't. I didn't fall in love with him because of his beliefs in his religion, I fell in love with him for *HIM*. I know that he has a very strong, close, personal relationship with God, and if that works for him than I'm happy for him. But I can't feel that way, and I don't know how to. I had a "falling out" with God, and I can't even remember the reason why. I think it may have had to do with all the inconsistancies with the religion, and the fact that I always gave him in alta-matum that I knew in the end I would win (i.e. - if it doesn't snow tomorrow, God, you don't exist. It was and still is a very childish way to prove him non-exhistant, but somehow *shrugs*). So he didn't have a chance against me And it's not that I don't believe in God - I have to make this clear to HD - I just don't believe that he would forsake all of his other children because they don't believe in Christianity, but believe in Wicca/Zen/what-have-you religions. It doesn't seem right to me. He should love you for you, and if by chance you happen to come across his *favorite* religion *smile* then so be it.

*sigh* I know a bunch of people who's religious backgrounds are different, and they are completely happy. I can accept him for whatever he chooses to do or be or believe in. Because to me, he's the most important thing in my life. I just don't know if I am to him. It's kinda hard to ask him that though, ya know To me, religion isn't that important. I don't study it, or go to chruch, or any thing like that. Christmas means presents and Easter means candy *shrugs* I was never raised to be very religious, and what can I say, it stuck. But when two people click, ya know, ultimately *click*...why should something as silly as religion make their ultimate *clickage* not even get a chance to happen(yea, i know, religion isn't silly, but from this point of view it is).

I just want to be selfish here, OK!? I want things to finally go smooth for us, finally after 2 and a half years of both knowing how we felt about one another, and not doing anything about it, and now feeling even more intense and now this...this STUPID God problem screws things up. And I just want to be happily ever after...and it almost seems like that is never going to happen. And I'm so just beating myself up over all of this, because it's not like I can force myself to embrace God and all that is sacred and holy, because then I would be a hyprocrite to myself and all that I believe in. I just believe that if you are a good person, good things are yet to come, no matter what you believe. If you are a bad person, bad things are yet to come, no matter what you believe. And that's that. Good=good, bad=bad. And then, he, he, HE has to be a pain in the ass in all of this, because he tells me how much he'd want to kiss me, but doesn't want to leap into anything and - as much as I respect that - it's driving me nuts! "Waiting for the right time...or moment" GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It just feels like I'm the rope in a game of tug 'o war, and sometimes I'm getting pulled towards the friendship part, other times toward the more intimiate part, and yet somehow end up staying pretty much stuck in the middle. Not an "intimate friend", no, but a friend who's not sure if she should be more than a friend to her friend. Ya know, for the past couple of nights we've gone out, it's been right on the verge of. Hanging, right there. Like, just make a move already. *grumble* *I'M* not frustrated, no sir.

Ok, this has just become one long tedious rant that was supposed to be about religion and I got off of the topic. I need to get some rest though, and get ready for a day of nothing tomorrow cuz i'm not working, and the Atta Boy party was put off until another day, so I still got a day off, which is a plus, but nothing for me to look forward to. So, I'm going to sleep LATE. good night....

 

[lil_loser]

party thing

Thank God tomorrow is Sunday. I get to work, alone, and then I got to go out. *contented smile* Going out, you have no idea how so very much I look forward to this, no idea at all. Well, I'm sure you have *some* idea, as I continue to gush, but *eh*.

Ooooo, actually, Mr. Motorcycle invited me to a party next Saturday, after work('cuz he'll be working Saturday too). That was really sweet of him - he's actually talking to me, I must say that I am impressed. I hate scaring people away(umm, depending upon the person, that is). I doubt I'll go though, I'm such a loser. It's not that I wouldn't want to go, 'cuz he is very tempting, but there in lies the dilemma. He's too tempting. I finally got HD(or maybe I'm just kidding myself on this one...*sigh*) and don't want to put myself in a situation where I could screw things up for us, even if he(HD) is pretty much testing me right now. Even *IF*, I'm not going to do anything stupid if I can help it.

I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow...I want to go for a walk after work, but all it does is rain anymore. It's June tomorrow, and it hasn't even reached more than 75 degrees. I'm wearing a sweater. Yes, I'm always cold, but seriously, a sweater in June. In New Jersey. Unbelievable.

Night all.

 

[lil_loser]

oodles of people

I've got a yeast infection!!! Yippy-skippy, yeasty goodness. Itches like a mo-fo (however they itch). And the only reason I have one of these lovely bad-boys is because of the insane amount of antibiotics I'm on for my Lyme Disease...well, there is only one pill I have to take twice daily, *BUT* I had antibiotics before these ones for my sinus infection(I'm doing good, eh?) and that's pretty much where the fun fun fun started!

I'm trying the 'ol tampon/yogurt trick. Sounds kinda gross(sounds *really* gross); feels great. Don't knock it til you're in my shoes, a'ight('cuz I'm hungry!)
Which reminds me....
*blah* this is definelty not something I want to write home about *makes a face* I will be so insanely happy when this is all over...if it's still evil tomorrow, I'm monostating *nods*. Ok, enough of me grossing everyone(myself included) out. Change of topic...NOW.

Ooooooo, I saw so many people today! Which isn't unusual for a department store, honestly, but I saw just regular friends. First, there was Erin, a really awesome tell-it-like-it-is chick I used to work with. She was getting stuff for her mom, and is currently trying to find a job other than the Mart. Good luck chica.
Then I saw Timmmmmmmy!. Actually, I saw him first, then we found Erin together. But Timmmmmmmmy! and I were able to talk about his problem at hand about his babies, and his pain in the ass girlfriend. Which was good, and I'm glad to see that he is taking all the pre-cautionary steps that he needs to.
See, they've been together for about 2 years, and they just had twins(I talked about them earlier...I don't remember when, exactly, sorry). Now, everything is honky-dory, however just last week Em decided that she wanted to take Timmmmmmmmy! to court and make him pay child support, which to everyone, doesn't make sense. His whole paycheck goes to supporting his twins as it is. He buys the formula, diapers, clothes, pretty much you name it, he's bought it. But she's going to take him to court, because apparently "it's not enough". What the hell does she expect from the poor man??? I'm not exactly siding with either one of them, but she's just being silly. He's being a father to his kids, for crying out loud! He sees them regularly, takes care of them, buys them what they need, and is, well, of all things, THEIR FATHER. He doesn't need a court order telling him to be so, he just is. And she's going to screw that up for both of them. Ok, I *do* side with Timmmmmmmmy!, as does the rest of the world, but Em doesn't see it that way, and *shakes head* it's just not a good situation....

Ummmm, back to the subject at hand, who else did I see? I saw Freckles! That was really really awesome. I haven't seen that kid in forever and as it turns out, he was in Florida. Another sad case that one is. Turns out, he used to live in FL, and moved up here when his sister and girlfriend died(like, 5 months apart). However, down in FL they were having prom at his old school, and the prom was dedicated to his sister and his girlfriend because it would have been their year to graduate. It's so horribly sad...I felt horrible for Freckles. He said the only reason he went was because it was in memory of his sis and gf, but the whole time he wanted to leave because it *was* really really depressing. Poor guy...life can be a real bitch...especially to the good people...
....but his visit with me was a good one. He wasn't upset when he talked to me(the prom was about a week ago) and he's been able to deal with his feelings much better than most people would(I imagine). We talked about lots of stuff - had mondo catching up to do - and he told me how The Guy has gone totally wack-o. They live together now, but pretty much avoid one another, and I've noticed that all of The Guy's IM away messages are really full of rage and hateful. I'm not a flower power 'love everyone' child, but his are just through the roof in the 'ol, "I hate you all" department. The is always a "f--- you all for abandoning me" speech in there somewhere, and yet when I asked Freckles if The Guy goes out of his way to get in contact with the people that have 'abandoned him', he told me he never does, just waits for them to come back to him. Talk about being assertive! It's just silly how people never want to take responsibility for their actions, and always put the blame on others...I think it's silly.

But yeah, Freckles, Freckles, Freckles, and I talked for a bit, he told me what was up with his life, and I with mine, and it was so very good to see him. He's such a level headed dude, a nice change of pace after The Guy. I really want to be able to talk to him outside of his and my job, but being that he lives with The Guy, I don't currently see that as being all that possible.

Oooooooooo, forgot to mention, Mr. Motorcycle was shopping today too! I honestly didn't know it was him when he said hi to me - just thought it was another creepy customer - but it was him. Such a nice guy! If I wasn't head over heels for HD....*sly smile* ooooo, yeah!!!

Yeah, that too(as if I'd forgotton, HAH). HD came back!!!!!!!!! I was so glad to see him, gosh, you have no idea. I missed him so so so so so so much. It's amazing how much one person can make a horrible weekend turn into the best weekend ever. He does just that. Still no kiss yet, but sooooo close(he told me so!). It's ok though, I'll let ya know when it happens. That magical day *sigh*. For me, anyway. We went for a walk, and he held me and kept me warm - he's so good at that. Yeah...life is grande.

Ooo, gosh, I gotta sleep! Work and more time with HD tomorrow! Night all, love ya lots.