You'll see as I go

[lil_loser]

operation day

Prostate commercial is on the telly *eep* glad I don't have one of those...

HD's dad is going to get his heart surgery in...3 hours. He was supposed to be having the operation at around noon, but that changed, and now is going at 8, which meant that for HD it was just easier to stay up the night than it would have been to take a nap - especially since he hasn't been able to sleep well since the whole heart attack happened in the first place. SO me being the awesome friend that I am, I hung out with him til he has to be ready to leave for the hospital.

Which in turn means : 3 hours of sleep for me tonight :bleagh: That's quite alright though, I'd rather keep him company, and at ease than sleep. Besides, "power naps rock my socks". *wink*

But yeah, everything'll turn out ok; it's a simple procedure, and then life as we know it (in my simple little universe that revolves around our friendship) will go back to normal. *Because* that's the way things should be - problems only occur in the movies...

*smiles* I have this awesome design drawn on my left hand. While HD and I were at Dunkin Donuts, he started drawing like mad on my hand. Just a "Hey Yo!" at first(nickname is YOrissa...) which turned into a smilie face, than 'super' star, balloons, "cool", arrows, happy/sad faces, question mark, a palm tree(inside joke) and a "what up dog?" arrow. All-and-all, 'tis a work of art. We are going to take a picture of it tomorrow, but for now, I have to make sure not to get it wet or wash it off. That's the tricky part. I outlined it in black marker, hope he isn't mad, but it was starting to fade(sorry, but I have to wash my hands after I pee, I don't know about you....but that's just me).

So yeah, that took about three hours, til we were kicked out. *wink*.

OH. Got some CD's today : Brodie and Hey Mike! Good shit, if you're into punk-pop, like The Ataris, Slick Shoes, or Rufio. Actually, Brodie reminds me a bit of The Vandals, just not as goofy. OK, done plugging.

*ugh* Ok, two hours of sleep-0 now. I think I should sleep now. A 10 hour work day with no sleep makes for no fun.

 

[lil_loser]

emotional dribble due to lack of sleep

I'm cold, and tired, and a bit paranoid. Nothing really new there, but the paranoia thing is bothering me more than usual. Which I do not like, not at all....

I kinda want to discuss this, but I don't. Because once I start writing down what I *think* happened, and describe everything, it'll make me appear like a self-centered jealous piece of shit, which I like to think I'm not (I know I'm jealous, but the other two...). So, long story short, if you see me in person, ask away, however, posting what I believe happened, is just out of the question.

*~*Bitching Rant*~*God damn mother fucking people!!!!! I mean, sneakiness aside, I thought we were *open!* about everything, so why not just tell me?!? I mean, I wouldn't feel how I feel now if it was just like, "YO, blah-blah-blah. Ok?", Instead, I'm thinking of what I'm *thinking* now (this whole entry will probably make no sense to me in the morning...as for now though...) and it really pisses me off. But he wouldn't do that, cuz he isn't an asshole - however, just because *he* isn't doesn't mean that *they* are...fuck fuck fuck.

Paranoia is a horrible thing....

As is not being able to trust....but I trust him, I don't trust them, because I don't *know* them. So right now I'm just totally, royally confused, mad, worried, and sad at the same time.

Do I even have a right to be any of those emotions at all though? Perhaps I am completely wrong on my assumption, and everything that I am thinking on this 'issue' is not an 'issue' at all, and holds no base, and really is something that I should ignore...but the gut-feeling won't disappear.... *deep breathe* Puuuuuuuush those emotions aside, lil lady.

Maybe it's just the lack of sleep???*~*End bitchy rant*~*

I think I need to go out on a date with The Guy. You heard me, see someone other than HD - who I'm not technically dating at all, mind you - just so I can clear my thought of him(HD), and of how I feel for him, although I shouldn't feel that way towards him and *thusly* there-in lies the dilemma.

No, that's not the dilemma. The dilemma is: we do everything an actual couple would do together, minus the physical aspects. He calls me, I call him, we eat out, go to the movies, go for long walks, play pool, just sit and *talk* - all of this for hours on end. And when I say "minus the physical contact", there is *still* some physical touch (hug, tickle, he plays with my hair, rubs my hand, I rest my head on his shoulder at the movies...or he rests his on mine, 'footsie' under the table, the list goes on) but nothing that crosses the 'boundraries' into "girlfriend-ism"; ie, no kiss. I mean, I feel almost (I say 'almost' *smiles*) bad for hugging him at the end of our nights out; I don't want to let go.

It's like, you ever feel that there was a piece of you missing? And suddenly, you've come across that piece(ie, him), and you have a complete puzzle; whole, perfect. That's how I feel when I'm with him. Like I could conquer the fucking world, stare Satan in the face and spit in his eye, and it'll all turn out ok, as long as I can see HD's smile.

I don't know what "love" is. I can't claim that I've ever been in love or had someone love me. But I can't deny what I feel in my heart; and I feel that without him, there is no meaning to my existance, because he makes me happy to be me. I would be a lump of flesh, nothing more.
All this, and we've never even kissed. I don't think we've needed to kiss though. We've traveled such an emotional roller-coaster ride with one another, everything else seems almost minimal (of course, I would *love* to, but that's besides the point). *sigh* I just wish everything would be perfect, and *we'd* be perfect together (patience chica, patience...).

If anyone has anything to say on this, please leave me a messege. I don't even know if what we are doing is wrong; is enjoying the company of another wrong? And then there is the whole 'emotianl en-wrapment' with one another...
Just you're own opinions would be great. I don't want to fuck up what we have, and they say a crowd is mighter than one(I made up that half-assed saying, but it holds true) so the more people I hear from, the better. *sigh again* I miss him already....

 

[lil_loser]

I attract weirdo's

Am I a magnet for weirdo's? I mean, holy hell batman, what do I do...send out freak waves that just attract all the wacked out guys and send the 'normal' dudes scurrying away with their tail(s) betwixt their legs???

Exhibit A(Dan-0)

A kick-boxer from 'the city'. He comes from money, won't buy anything that doesn't burn a hole in his wallet, tries to be 'impressive', yet, somehow, comes off as more annoying than anything else.

Bottom line: I *HATE* arrogance, I *HATE* conceitedness, I *HATE* when people throw their luxuries in your face, as a way to impress you. Whoop-de-do, you drive a fancy car, whoop-do-do, your clothes are all designer labels. Like I give a fuck *rolls eyes*.

Exhibit B(The Guy)

A "wolverine" look-alike. I can't say anything else about him, as he has yet to come off as an asshole to me, but then, today was the first time I've ever spoken to him, so I must be patient and wait for his asshole-ish-ness to rear it's head. But that's wrong of me to think that way, so I won't - I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. From what I *have* gathered about him, and what I saw in his eyes, he seems like an ok kinda guy.

Bottomline: Eyes are the windows to the soul. He has amazing eyes. Amazing Eyes = Amazing Soul. That, and he said I was beautiful...mondo brownie points for not using 'hot'(my pet peeve). You saw me gush about the whole "Beautiful" thing earlier in the week. I mean, wow, beautiful *swoon*. *Ahem*
He may be a bit 'out there' but...*smiles* He doesn't give me weird vibes.

Not the way exhibit A does. *shudder* creepy.

I did talk to The Guy today - that's how I noticed his eyes. Actually, I spoke to his friend, a person I used to work with, and he started hitting me up with the "20 Questions". He was very Rico Suave getting to the question at hand.

Me:So where do you work now, [name of business]?
JOE: Yeah, actually, with one of my good friends, The Guy, you know him? (*BOOM* right there. Hook, line, and sinker. Joe is good.)
Me: The Guy? Yeah, actually I went to school with him *smiles*.
JOE: Really?
Me: He was like a year behind me, but yeah.
JOE: Well, what do you think of him?
Me: I don't really *know* him. I knew of him. He's got like a "poof" now, right?
JOE: His hair? A poof, what do you mean a 'poof'?
Me: Like, a POOF! It's huge dude, HUGE!
we discussed the "poof" for a good five minutes
JOE: ....So what, you think he needs a trim?
Me: *cringes* I do.
JOE: But he looks like "Wolverine"...speak of the devil (The Guy comes walking our way)

(Turns out, he really *does* look a bit like the actor that played Wolverine, it's eerily funny)

We talked for a bit, but I'm a horrible tease, so I gave no definete answer. I mean, what am I supposed to say. "Yes, The Guy is gorgeous, I'd love to ravage his body!". No, no, no, no. Not happening. I wouldn't mind hanging out with just *him* though. Ya know, coffee or something. I'm a night owl, so I'd love to go out for coffee.

No groupage though *shakes head*, one-on-one.

And yeah, I know, my last post was all about HD, and I *do* love him - more than life itself - but...I don't want to be in my rut with him(which is where I am at now). I can't have him, 'cuz he's a "good friend, and a good *boy* friend," and being that I'm not his girlfriend, he knows where to draw the line(dammit). He is an awesome friend though, so I'm glad to have that. I know I'll be yearning for him for....well, for longer than I wish to think about....but for now, I want my love to be paid back in full (selfishness...). Yeah....

Ah well, keep ya posted on what's happening. Night night.

 

[lil_loser]

exercising maybe

The weather is finally getting warmer(sorta. kinda.), well, it was in the 40's today, so that's a great sign. I'm so in the mood to work out now.

I want my arms to be more toned, my legs to be toned, and my tummy flat. Like, yeah...that would just be fabulous. I'm not fat or anything, 5'2"/115 lbs, which is great(especially since most is probably my tits anyway *rolls eyes*) but I want to be *lean*. I want to be able to get my naval pierced this year and be able to show people without grossing them out(I know some people like that, ewww - if you don't have 'it' don't flaunt 'it', please!).

But yeah, I think I am going to buy some weights and stuff. That's what I hate about winter, I get lethargic because it's too cold to exercise, put on about 10 lbs, all my muscle mass that I *did* manage to aquire during the spring/summer season melts away, and I have to basically start from scratch.

Determinatin is the key. Determination and willpower. *inhales*

I'm content with my size. Size 6/8. It's good, I don't want that to change. When I was younger, I used to weigh 150 and wore a size 16. I was the 'fat dorky' kid at school, so I know ALL about that. Memories *sigh* Riiiiiiiiiight. As much as I *loved* my past...

Well, I think I'm going to get some dinner/breakfast. I hung out with HD last night, and the last thing I ate was fren--excuse me, "freedom" toast, and that was around midnight. It's now 5:30 pm...hmmmm, a lil hungry(not really though, cuz I didn't get out of bed til 4:30 *cough*). Oh, I saw The Guy last night too, not much to report, as I was sitting with HD - a little small talk, I introduced HD as my friend, not boyfriend, so we'll see what goes from there. Today is a day of rest for YO.

 

[lil_loser]

look at the time!

*Yaaaaaaawn* The time is now 5:30 AM - do you know where your children are???

I just got home, actually. Well, at like 4:30, but had to 'settle' a little bit. Then I started talking to HD on IM(he has a mic, so I get to hear his voice...*soothing*...), and now it's suddenly 5:30....eeep! So this has to be a quick update, as I have to wake up in less than three hours for work tomorrow, and it's going to be another 10 hour shift, so.....(from the edit, I decided to stay up all night, yes I am insane....)

HD and I went out today, as per our usual Thursday night, played pool, then finished up the night at the good 'ole truck stop. I love that place. It's really weird though, if I didn't hang with HD, I never would have touched it with a 10 foot pole. Funny how shit works like that....

So, played hangman, and also as per usual(it seems) The Guy was there - he made a point to say "hi" (awww, how sweet!:love:. I love being 'courted'.) and me and HD just kinda goofed off. I would say I have never laughed as much on any other ocassion we've hung out, than I've laughed tonight, just cuz I was such a wack job. *whoosh* out of it. Hilarious-ness, boy howdy...

Then, at around 3:30 or so, The Guy came over to our table to discuss this random story that he is writing and asking us if we took Latin (he needed to know a name for a character. Don't ask...) and since we both didn't take latin(español es muy perfecto!), we got onto the subject of Spanish, and then on to the subject of my Spanish teacher who was always drunk(we knew he was tanked if he had the guitar...) and walked naked in the guys locker room(I guess it was easier to shower at school than at home...). What a sight!!(so I've been told *cough*) Dude, I've seen the man fully clothed, and that was plenty.

All-in-all, it was a very odd conversation, and I know HD felt odd, probably a little more than *odd*, (alright, totally more than odd) but....I dunno. The Guy is really excentric, *smiles* I like that. He isn't arrogant, and seems pretty genuine. I mean, he isn't going out of his way to "impress" me, and is just being himself (even though he is stumbling. I find this insanely attractive) which I think is totally awesome. The fact that he doesn't know what he is doing makes me feel that much more at ease - 'cuz I have no idea what I'm doing.

He really seems to be "of gentlemanly type" which I totally dig 'cuz I'm an old-fashioned gal all the way. I mean, when he was describing this one play (yea, he digs plays!) he said the lead female killed herself by burning herself in the bed that her and her lover used to 'make love in' - not screw, fuck, or even 'do the nasty'; but make love.
I thought 'beautiful' may have just been a fluke, apparently I was wrong(great!)...more brownie points to him *ka-ching!*

I should see him today

 

[lil_loser]

One wracking sob after another

Yeah, no sleep for the weary - I've been up since 5PM yesterday night. I'm just a little bit out of it....

I hung out with The Guy tonight. Had a blast, he is totally out there. I mean, waaaaaaaaaay left field. It was really really cool. He's a good guy too, I mean, nice, proper, sweet, funny. Looney and everything. He even used the word "hackles", who uses that!?

He isnt' HD though.

I told HD everything - how I feel about him, how the whole time I was out with The Guy, I thought of him, how I love him.

The shit has hit the fan.

 

[lil_loser]

Hi.
Things weren't awkward, as always. I'm so grateful for that, you have no idea. As I said in my last update-o, I had hung out with The Guy and had had mucho fun, but he isn't HD. Which was very true, because the whole time - well, not the *whole* time, but most of it - I was thinking how HD would have responded to one of my jokes, or how we would have been playing hangman, or I would have been making fun of him from one of our many, many, MANY inside jokes.

So on the whole, I enjoyed The Guy's company as a friend. If I didn't feel as insanely strongly for HD, then who knows? But then I'm weird to begin with, because I like to get to know someone really well first, connect with them on an emotional level, before I get close to them physically. I'm old-fashioned, sickeningly sweet. I could apologize for being that way, but that's how I've always been.

Which is another thing - HD knows all that stuff about me. Knows I like to 'connect' with a person. *sigh* I connect with him, why do I have to go out of my way to learn all about someone else??? Especially if they don't follow my values.... I need to be with someone who has the same values as me, or damn near close.
I'm rambling now...so I'm going to add random shit that I thought about today....

~*~*~
HD sang to me last night. Not 'directly' to me, through his mic via IM. It was a Foo Fighters song, Everlong, but I mainly heard his voice, as the mic couldn't really pick up on the speakers. They just played back-up, you could say. *smiles* It was so perfect though; I didn't even have to type anything, just sat and listened to him sing to me....there are no words to describe how amazing that was. The only way it would have been more perfect was if he was in front of me.

~*~*~
Last night, like every night, we hugged. Ususally though, my hugs are pretty lame, because I've never wanted to get too close to him(I've obviously thrown that idea out the window, eh?). Bust last night...last night was the hug to end all hugs: a bear hug where my hands were clasped together, and I had trouble letting go. He held me tight, and rubbed his thumb against my ribs *sigh*and we just sat there, intertwined. All my troubles melted away right there.
Amazing.
Beautiful.
Confident.
Calm.
Appreciated.
Loved.

All those emotions/feelings wrapped into a single hug.

~*~*~
(this one is silly, don't read it cuz I'm an ass....)
He touched my arm. Wow. *smiles* I'm not done.....touching me is nothing unusual; he's usually really warm, and I'm always cold, so he warms my hands. Anyway, after he layed his hand on my arm, he then *carassed* my arm, with just his fingertips. Only for like, 3 seconds, but GOD, I just want him to touch me more! He's so gentle....*gah* Overload (well I did say I was an ass...)

ok, going to sleep on a happy note

 

[lil_loser]

realization

I made a realization that this journal is all about thinking aloud. Read it, don't read it, this is all the shit that goes on in my brain. Yeah...anyway, onward!

Went out to lunch with HD, got back at like 1, went out at 11. He's got plans tonight, with his lady *sniffle* nah, it's ok. Cant' predict the future, right??? But I'm supposed to go out with The Guy, and I've got mixed feelings on that whole situation anyway.

Did I mention he gave me a flower yesterday? No? He did I mean, it was a really sweet gesture, and it was blue, BLUE! How pretty is that? But....I dont' feel for him like that. So now I have to tell him the truth, 'cuz that's what I'm all about, and I'm gonna feel bad, but it has to be done.

I'm not interested in a relationship. Friendship, sure, relationship, no. I wish things would just go back to how they were 2 weeks ago (except for my big talk with HD). This way, Louise's would still be our hang out, and I wouldn't feel weird going there now. I mean, now, if I go there, I assume The Guy is going to be there and the only time I'm there is when I'm with HD, so if The Guy is there, am I just supposed to say "Hi" and go about my business with HD???

Ignore him? That's rude.

You're telling me, it's rude. But when I 'hang out' it's usually one-on-one. I wouldn't want to be invited to someone else's table/area/whatever, if the whole party/person I'm with did not feel comfortable. And I know for a fact that HD does not feel comfortable. So I would be just as rude if I ignored how he felt.

And THEN *random thought/rememberance*
I say my old friend Bry yesterday. Actually, he saw me; found me, and came over to say 'hi'. That simple little 'hi' turned into a 30 minute conversation (I was on a fifteen minute break *ooops!*). He's such a sweet guy. A good guy. A dorky(I fall for the 'smart'/cute guys), insanely attractive, fun, nice guy. I fell for him last year, but he's 2 years younger than I, still in school (highschool *cringe* - I'm only 20, back off; he's 18. 3 more monthes and no longer in hs ) but yeah, nothing came of that because I got him fired.

Go me.

It was all accidental though; he said he was going to have to quit in a week anyway, but I still feel horrible for it. I think I may have written about that already *shrugs*. If not, ask. So yeah, we talked and it was really nice. I miss him alot...I should call him. It won't happen, but I should. Or he should call me, I know he has my number...I don't think I have his(reason why it won't happen). But yeah, I really like My Bry, things aren't awkward with us either.
I think I care for too many people at the same time(well, 2 *eh*...). Ah well... *end random thought/rememberance*

I think I'm going to go outside and lay in the sun...

 

[lil_loser]

an actual work related update *gasp*

I never *officially* declared this a work related journal, so don't be all that surprised *huge grin*. But yeah, once I get through the "this is what I did with my daaaaaaaay" shit, there is a piece about my work environment. ONWARD!!!

I'm such a fucking hypocrite, it's disgusting.

I went out with The Guy today, told him everything about HD, the whole 'I'm confused' shabazz. (I make fun of myself, but it's true!) And ya know what? It's ok. It all turned out ok. Making mountains out of mole hills, so they say. And I feel better, and he feels better knowing, and I can actually say I'm happy.

I'm not going to divulge anymore. But *smiles* he's a romantic *smiles*

So yeah, things are progressing nicely. Oh, I said I'm a hyprocrite because I said I was going to tell him I didn't 'feel that way' towards him; but my mom (yes I listen to my mother) told me to give him a shot - and I did. And I'm surprisingly happy with these results, so I can't say I don't feel anything for him when it turns out I did - I just wouldn't allow myself to even try. *gah* Harshness from me....

Anyway, no more on my life.

Workage.

Supposedly, now this is all hear-say, but it seems pretty legit, we've got a "Courtesy Curse". It seems that anyone of the female variety that works behind the Courtesy Desk ends up becoming pregnant. I can name 3 off the top of my head, one who thought she *was* pregnant (I believe she isnt but that has yet to be confirmed), and another who I know'll be pregnant in a few, just give her some time. Now, that being said, I worked up there a few nights ago, and unless it is going to be the 'immaculate conception' - which I know isn't going to happen -I think I have nothing to worry about.

Perhaps I shall break the curse....

What is even worse, is they're all really young women. One is 24, the other 22 and the youngest 19. And being that she is the youngest, she of course is going to have twins. Because that is how the world works... But I mean, not to sound like an old woman, but jeez, ladies(and gents) you know what you have to do to not get pregnant! Take those precautions, for crying out loud....*rolls eyes* To make matter - in my opinion - worse, one of them said she has no idea who the father is, until she sees the color of his skin. *blinks* That's horribly sad....

 

[lil_loser]

I'm sleepy, and I've got to get up in less than 5 hours....shoot me now....

I'm me, and that's all I can be...

....and it's über hard...

 

[lil_loser]

courtesy babies being born

Well, one of our preggo's had her baby last night. She actually wasn't a courtesy lady, but she had the bulbous belly none the less, and after being three weeks over-do, has a C-section and has a beautiful baby girl. That's really cool - she is over nine pounds and healthy.

Oh, and the nineteen year old with twins is due to deliver in about five days. So says the doctors. She'll be at 30 weeks, which isn't horrible, and each of the boys are more than 3 pounds; which is apparently healthy. I haven't the foggiest. But yeah, wow, Timmmmmmmy!!!! is soon to be a daddy. Craziness....

I'm supposed to donate blood early tomorrow morning. 9AM-early. I don't think that is going to happen. I mean, not that I wouldn't love to but they expect you to eat something before you go, and I'm barely able to put my clothes on correctly that early. Pretty sad, huh? Perhaps another time, yes?

Oh, I was supposed to hang with The Guy tomorrow, but that was cancelled. He has pneumonia. Yeah, got it from his job - which makes me wonder if *I* may get it??? I don't know a thing about that disease/virus/whatever it is, and really don't want it. But yeah, no hanging out tomorrow with him *sigh*. I just hope he feels better, pneumonia and asthma are not good things to mix(so he told me, *heh* I don't have asthma either).

I'm going to shower and sleep...sorry I'm duller than usual...

 

[lil_loser]

content chica

Last night I slept in the arms of someone who I *knew* cared for me...it was an amazing feeling to have. The Guy and I (or should I say MY Guy??) snuggled on his couch watching the movie From Hell - anyone ever see it? It's pretty grisly, good, but grisly - and then just talked, talked, talked, kissed, kissed, kissed, and talked, talked, talked, some more. I think we fell asleep at around...4ish??? Not exactly sure...

I woke up, and he still had his arms around me Sooo comfortable, and comforting and just everything.

I'm such a girly-girl *makes a face*.

But yeah, got home at around 7:30 in the morning (or so) cuz if my over-bearing/over-protective brother knew that I had spent the night with *A GUY* - even if we just slept, God forbid - well, I don't want to think of the outcome.

K, I haven't eaten anything in about 24 hours, so my tummy is telling me to fill it. That, and House 1 decided to invite us over for dinner - roast beef, potatos, the whole big shabazz! I'm excited and wondering why my mom would go through all the trouble, but *shrugs* no complaints, that's for sure.

Oh, and something is up with HD. It's really bothering me. He tells me 'don't worry', but I care too much for him to not worry. I wish he would just get whatever it was off his chest, but I don't want to push him...*sigh* Tell me, dammit!

 

[lil_loser]

*yawn...*

Got home about half an hour ago, I really should be asleep, but I think a shower is so calling my name...

You ever spend so much time with someone that you believe it's only been a few hours, when in all actuallity it's been 5 or more? (yes, that was gramatically incorrect in every aspect, but I haven't gotton any sleep, so hush...). Yeah, that was how last night was. Just kinda laying on the couch with My Guy and we both kinda wondered what time it was, but neither of us had any idea. I assumed 11:30; he assumed 10:30.

Turned out to be 1:30

Not saying that that is a bad thing, it's just more of a 'holy shit!'.

But yeah, I've gotta get some sleep - hanging out with my HD tonight. Oh. Things are better, he no longer worries me (well, he worries me, but not about before - that's all cleared up). But yeah, things are good between him and his lady, and I'm actually kinda grateful for that. I don't want to screw things up with My Guy and I'm happy now that I'm giving and receiving affection in equal parts. Unlike the whole 'unrequited love' aspect that I had carried upon my shoulders like a burden from before(yes I stole that from Yonphi - his writing is incredible). I'm just happy some things are falling into place, even if it isn't exactly how I would have planned it.

*Gah* I always feel like I'm explaining myself.... I just wonder if I'm doing this to explain myself to *you* or to explain myself to myself? ? ? My lack of confidence and guilty(?) feelings, are quite unnerving...

 

[lil_loser]

self pity *rolls eyes* the life of my journal

I hate being an open bag of emotions. I can't deal with tears, and I can't deal with openly discussing my feelings, especially when my feelings are mixed for someone and that someone is the person with whom I am discussing the mixed feelings with.

I hate crying.
I hate not being able to say what I want to say, because I cry.
I hate this weakness I carry on my shoulders.

I want to be able to say what I mean, but it comes out in sobs.
I want to be able to openly discuss personal issues.
I want things to remain the same.

Tonight, HD and I talked about everything. How things are going to change, how summer is upon us, about his girlfriend and My Guy, how we just won't be able to have as much time together as we've had now, how everything is just *Ka-Blamming!*

And it's scary.
And I cried.
And I couldn't say all I wanted to say because of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is so hard.

All my life I was the ugly, nerdy, fat, "Dear God, what is that *thing*!?" girl (If you knew that was The Princess Bride, 10 points). Now I've got My Guy who tells me how perfect and beautiful I am, and HD who I *know* loves me, but loves his girl too. I wish I still was the fat chick....

 

[lil_loser]

sob-fest over, damn PMS... *shakes a fist*

Ok ok, I'm happy, honest to God.

I swear!

I should just shut my mouth with the bitching, it's very unbecoming of me. I wonder if I'll learn though? Ten to one odds the next entry is of me complaining. However, tonight, complaining is not on the horizon

I really really like My Guy. Oh so much so. He's the first guy that cares for me as much as I for him. I feel comfortable in his presence. He like me for me. I mean, I'm so, so, so, so, so, self-conscious and insecure, that everytime he said I was "beautiful" in the back of my head was this nagging doubt that he only liked me because I'm pretty, and didn't want the whole package. Last night though, he squelched those doubts :blush: I'm so glad for Jewish Mother Joe. Or else I'd still be going after HD (my best friend) and would be missing out on what a wonderful person My Guy is. I like being his dolphin

OH! My Guy cut his hair *huge grin*. I mean, I liked him for him, which is why I spent time with him, but his hair - as we all know - was a "poof". I like to think I'm not shallow, but...well, I was looking at old pics of him, and MY GOD! simply irrestible comes to mind. Indeed...

So yeah, he cut his hair(trimmed it; it's still big, but not so 'poofy'), and shaved off his HUGE beard - cut it down to a goatee - and then had chunks of his hair dyed an awesome pink. Ok, it was supposed to be red, but it came out kinda pink, which really I love (I love hot pink) and he just looks "super-sexy-über-cool".

*contented sigh* Mmmmkay, I should get some much needed sleep-o. Or I'll keep gushing, as we all know yet again. *sigh* I wanna talk to him though....

 

[lil_loser]

what can i say, i'm a dork

Going to see the movie The Hunted tomorrow; anyone hear anything about it??? I guess I'll find out tomorrow, hopefully it doesn't suck. Ah, optimistic me *rolls eyes*.

Things are good with My Guy - don't want to bore your with that. Things (I believe) are not good with HD. He's in a pissy mood, and he won't tell me why...well, he's telling me 'the truth' so he says, but I belive that is bullshit. Or just a half truth.

I hate not knowing the reasons why someone is mad at me. Or just mad in general. I would tell him what it is/was that is/was pissing me off, without a question in my mind. I had assumed he would have too - I suppose I was wrong about that.

It could also just be that I'm reading too much into this, and he *really* is just mad because he's mad. However, my gut feeling says he is pissed at me, pissed at something I did, or didn't do. I can't force him to tell me, so *shrugs* I really can't do anything, and am at a loss....

It's quite frustrating.

*Change of Topic*

I need some definate tannage. But it consistantly rains outside, and the idea of a tanning booth totally grosses me out, so that is not going to happen. I know Spring has just begun, so I shouldn't be so gung-ho about being tanned, but it's for that very reason that I *am*. I'm literally craving the sunlight, and it's totally jipping me, dammit. And I used to be in love with my paleness.

I don't hate my pale skin, I just find it looks more healthy when one has some sun. That, and farmers' tans are just oh so unbecoming *nods*. Good weather Gods, I'm praying to you to cut out the rain til we really need it, ie summer.

*sniffs pit* ah, forgot deodorant....

 

[lil_loser]

confucious says....

If you just like someone for the physical aspect of liking them, is there any point in continuing the charade?

*rant*
I mean, ok, I get along well with My Guy, but we really have nothing in common. Nothing at all. I could list it all, but that would be pointless.

And even worse, he goes on and on about what interests him, which i have *no* interest in what-so-ever(movies, and comic books *ugh*). I try to pay attention, honest to God I do, but the whole time he's talking I'm thinking how I wanna just kiss him to shut him up - which is just HORRIBLE of me(and thusly I have no recollection of what he's just said; which is really bad when he brings it up in other conversation, boy-howdy). I think it's horrible, anyway, because just focusing on a person for the physical aspect is not at all what I'm looking for in a relationship.

Let's put it this way: I feel more at ease with him when he's laying on top of me then when I'm holding a conversation with him. And I find that very disquieting.

Oh GOD, and to make things worse (in my opinion) I look like his ex. I mean, like a freakin' duplicate. This is highly creepy. I didn't think I looked like her all that much, but I saw a (recent?) picture of her on his desk, and egads.... I don't know if I can handle that.... That, and they've only been apart for a month until he started seeing me, so I feel more like 'rebound' girl; I can't say I'm all that happy about holding that title. He tells me I'm not, but that little Jiminy Cricket in the back of my head keeps nudging.

This could all just be a hormonal thing though, because being a woman seems to fuck with my emotions in varying degrees. Which is why this is just a 'rant' nothing to really pay all that much attention to....still....

Oh, and HD told me he was jealous of My Guy as well. *sigh* God, I hate hurting him like that. Especially when I don't know how things are going/going to be with My Guy....
*end rant*

Last month, I wouldn't have had to deal with any of this, and now....now it's all smacking me in the face....

 

[lil_loser]

Assumption

I should never ever assume again. I had assumed HD and I were going to go out tonight, 'cuz it's Thursday, and every Thursday we hang out. As per usual.

I haven't talked to him in what, 3 days, and he has plans made.
Plans without me.

We've hung out every Thursday for the past two monthes like clockwork, and now suddenly I get a boyfriend and everything changes??? It's not supposed to be that way, Thursday is "Thirsty Thursday" at my place, and YO and HD's day! Every Thursday....



The urge to cry is so over-powering....

 

[lil_loser]

Emotional dribble, Emotional dribble, Emotional dribble, Emotional dribble, Emotional dribble...such is my state, always.

No more!

The next couple of update are all going to be none emotional dribble filled, so says I. For atleast....two....*heh* I doubt that'll even occur, so I'm going easy on myself here.

*inhales*
Mmmmkay, an oath to myself (for 2 day).
Beginning........NOW!!!!!!

Oooooooo, I got a whole bunch of shoes and clothes from my LiR Lisa at work. She was cleaning out her closet, and we wear the same shoe size and pretty close to the same shirt size, sooooooo, she just passed along the 'treasure'. Free clothes are the best clothes, so says I *wink*.

*Ugh* My brother has got me drinking a glass of nasty-ass wine. I don't do wine. Especially red wine. Holy hell batman, this is the nastiest thing I've ever tasted. I like my beverages tasty and refreshing, this is neither. *sigh* I got to finish a glass of this shit, *help me!*.

Going out tomorrow with My Guy, and supposedly his friend from college (and his girl) - I don't know if that's going to happen or not though, 'cuz he hasn't mentioned it since yesterday, and didn't mention it tonight...so I really, haven't the foggiest. I guess it'll all be a surprise tomorrow night. Kinda sorta looking forward to it, I guess.

I like one-on-one stuff, as we know, so *eh* I hope we don't have to hang with them, but it won't *kill* me if we have to. *blah* I just won't like it

Selfish me

 

[lil_loser]

über swell!

Ah, dude, went out tonight (ummm, last night *heh*) with My Guy and his friend from college and his girl - had a blast! Really nice people; funny, interesting, and NO awkward moments. Thank the Gods! Really, just über swell people - I'm so grateful for that (I was all worried; I don't do well meeting new people - too shy!) But yeah, all-in-all had an excellent evening *nods*.

Ok, I really need to get some sleep now, 'cuz I forgot that the clocks get set forward today (oh crumbs...) and when I thought it was only 5:45, it was actually 6:45...soooooo, I have to get up for work in 3 hours...yeah...

Pleasant dreaming all