With my last breath of the life I took... I love you...

[fallenangeld]

Thoughts of happy times....

Well today was an ok day. I had a nice day relaxing and my hair is now back to being blonde and I like it. It feels renewed... and healthy... I feel almost normal.. but I've been thinkin about good times with him again... and then just the plain good days that used to be everyday for me... an I see now that I have no clue if I'm gonna be happy or not.... It's like walkin on eggshells... but maybe it'll end... but then there's that little thought of what if it never will.... I just hope it doesn't get worse... I don't think I could go on if it got any worse... Well... he should've gotten his letter today... I wonder if he's gonna write me back... I hope he does... that would be nice... His court is tomorrow... yeah... it's kinda scary... I hope I don't lose him... I would hate that... Yes I would.... Here's another poem...

angels

angels smile
angels smile.....
and sometimes and sometimes these angels
these angels they cry...
no one ever hears them cause no one
is listening...
how can you unlock them
when
you never listen?
when
you never listen?
angels fly angels they can fly
but not when not when
not when the angel is broken...
give to me give to me
a cure...
take away my blackness and make me pure...
kiss me in dreams i will listen for you
for you coming to me....
touch me heated passion kiss my secrets
make them never to have happened...
can you eat me? can you eat m e?
my cancer cold an black...
can you eat it out of me and give me my life back?
angels have halos angel s have halos
angels have halos angels gave halos...
look at me touch the empty air burning above me
its empty
it s empty
its empty
angels smile
angels smile.....
and sometimes and sometimes these angels
these angels they cry...
no one ever hears them cause no one
is listening...
how can you unlock them
when
you never listen?
when
you never listen?
angels fly angels they can fly
but not when not when
not when the angel is broken...

That one just came out... not sure from where... probably some dark corner of my mind... well obviously... but yeah... I dunno... I like another guy... but he doesn't like me... my friend told me to go get out adn meet other people, but I'm not social and he doesn't understand that, but I am appreciative of him bein there for me.... at least I have some friends left...

 

[fallenangeld]

Why should I stay if I can't be with you...

Today has got to be one of my worse days!! I went to his court and now it's a federal case!! And then I go to his house and it's trashed and just... ARGH!! I hate stupid ignorant people that have no respect for others!! And to top it all off I saw her and when she talked about him and her together, I felt sad inside cuz it was things he used to do with me... and I've been crying since!! I miss him soo much... and I've been having nightmares again so it's hard for me to sleep anymore... I think I was getting better a little, but it's all coming back!! I'm depressed and sad again for no apparent reason... and it drives my crazy cuz I don't understand it... I don't understand why I'm feelin this way!! I mean there is no real reason to be this depressed and sad!! I mean I could understand being a little bit cuz of him... but I can feel that this is not all cuz of him and my feelings for him.. I wanna be normal again... I tried talkin to a friend about it and all they did was say be happy and no that's not true and just not understanding I'm hurting and everything.... I don't think I can take much of this anymore.... I hate it... and I hate that I'm loosing most of my friends.... and that I lost him... I feel like I'm slowly going to hell... maybe that's where I belong... I feel like I could talk to him about things... but there is no way to get ahold of him.... I can't see him until Sat... and I've been writing him... but I don't think he'll write me back and I think he's gonna be mad at me anywasy... cuz I went to the cops and reported that the people watching their house is underaged and has booze in the house and... oh jeez.... I don't need to be stressing about this... My head hurts and my stomach hurts and jeez... everything's turning to chaos... why... why should I stay here in this world if I can't be wiht him?? If I can't make my friends understand?? If I can't help myself...

 

[fallenangeld]

Now that you're gone... I think about you all the time...

Today I've been overly happy... it's quite strange, but I've been dancing to music and just all up-beat.. and even think about him... did not bring me down, but I did notice one thing... when he was here, out of jail and around, I didn't think about him a lot... but now that he's away and I can't see him... I think about him constantly... I thought that to be strange.. But I guess it's cuz he's not around... I dunno... But anyways.. today was a great feelin... confusing, but great! I'm kinda glad to get a break from bein sad... but I just don't understand what brought it on... I guess I'll never know... My friends were a big help this evening though... I wrote him again... in his court yesterday he kept smiling at me... It felt right... I know that it wasn't, but it felt that way... His case is now a federal case and I'm scared for Mon to come... I dont' want it too... It severly scares me... I got into a fight today.... and cuz of it... I think I lost the thing that would've kept him in my life... but I'm tryin not to stress on it... and I'm hopin for the best... bur even with that... I'm still happy! I dunno what's goin on with my head... but it's really confusing.... oh well... I guess my head needs a break from the darkness... lol that sounds so cheesy!! But it's what I think... so oh well...

 

[fallenangeld]

I knew nobody would understand...

I recently got some emails fomr some people and let me tell you this, yes he is part of the reason why I'm feeling like this... but no the whole one! I've been stuck in my head full of thoughts of hurting myself, and being depressed and sad for awhile now... even when I was with him I was like this... except then he was helpin rather then makin it worse... I don't think with my mind or body or heart! I think with my instincts and spirit.... For my mind is gone, I'm not pleased with my body and my heart is broken. I know he hurt me, trust me I know, but with all that I still love him and although I talk about how I'd like him back, I wouldn't take him back for in fear of bein hurt once again, but still I love him... I write about wanting him back cuz I miss things before he hurt me... when things were pure and I wish for that again... I've also been told that this is a phase... though it may be... I feel that it's not and I turst those feelings with my life... Thank you for your concerns and I'm glad you can find the niceness to try and help me, but with that... understand what I'm goin through befoer you try to help... please... Cus you cannot help unless you know... I do appreciate it, I really do... but ti's just like the friends that have left me... they didn't understand... and until they can come to understand they will be gone... But thank you for your concern, I really do appreciate it... it may not seem like it, but I do...

 

[fallenangeld]

Trying to Forget...

I have a new goal.. I'm goin to try to forget about him and move on... I love him dearly, but my head is so screwed up right now... I don't know if bein with anyone right now is right... I went to visit him and I realized how much I missed him, but I also saw something else... my best friend... So that's what he is goin to be until I can get out of my lostness... and maybe if he'll take me back... I will go see him tomorrow as well... we need to talk about a lot of things.. and I think Mon.... well after I won't be able to see him for a LONG time... State is trying to push at least 6 years.... I hope not... I was thinkin today about a lot of things... I think today was an emotionless day... I wasn't happy nor depressed... I was thinkin about old days... especailly old incidents that happened when I started losing my way in the blackness I live my life now... I think a few friends have stumbled upon my journal and know it is indeed I... Those of you who have... will you look at me different now that you how I really am?? Now that you know that I'm not indeed as happy and friendly as I seem?? That I am suicidal and bi-polar?? That I'm lost in my head and cannot break free from the angered and depressin thoughts?? That I have no clue what's wrong with me and I don't seem to be gettin better?? Just like the others have... just like my family did... will you leave me cuz you don't understand?? Am I destined to be alone......

 

[fallenangeld]

Life is like a Dick... Fuck it when it's hard...

I went and saw him today and it was a nice visit... happy... good talk... until the end... and then he told me he still loved me... but I didn't say anthing back... I'll see him soon, hopefully... Well good news is that State isn't pushin for 6 years in the pen any more, they're pushing for 5 years probation... which would be awesome. Today was pretty ok... nothin real exciting happened... I though about things and realize that I miss my family and I wish things were still the saem like they used to be.. but things are at least somewhat good... I mean I guess it could be worse... I could be back at that one place I hate with a passion.... or I could be at my real father's... hmm... but I guess I wish I was home... hmmm.. oh well... I have a year left... thank god... I am a bit confused why I am still here, but I think it has something to do with these people wantin to keep watch on me... or something like that... and the fact that I chose to stay here too... I'm gettin stressed again... but there's not really nothin to be stressed about... so I'm confused about that too... hmmm... maybe I'm goin insane... hmmmm.... I don't know.... I wish my head could be clear so I could understand what's goin on.... That would be SOOO much easier on my part... lol I feel like there are different parts of my mind that I don't even know that's ther and I have no clue what's goin on with them either.... like it's a big city or something... that sounds really dumb... but it's how I feel.... weird....

 

[fallenangeld]

Last night hospital trip....

I didn't write last night cuz... I was in the hospital... Yesterday was pretty good and then my emotions lept and I was fallin into depression... I have no idea what set it off either.. and finally I couldn't take any longer and I picked up the beautiful scissors which would have th honor to take my life and began to do surgery on my wrist so to say.... My cousin came in to find me and screamed and called 911 and then everyone was here and then I blacked out... and woke up in the hopsital.. my doctor told me this was a warnin and if I do somethin like this again... I'll be back in Intermountain for a long time... I hate it there but when things like last night happen I can't help it... they don't seem to understand... it's like my mind is split... I mean yeah I control both sides but when one side takes over it's like it does it's own thing.... It's like there are 2 of me.. I have big bandage on my wrist and I have practice and I'm afraid to go cuz I don't want a bunch of questions... and I might see him today cuz his gf might be gettin him out today.... no I probably won't... maybe when I can see him and not hurt.. It's so strange... today I feel like an empty shell and I have everyone around me 24/7 now... I guess I deserve that... it's kinda funny but when I woke my first thought was what the fuck am I wakin up for?? I laughed a little when I remembered that... but dissapointed cuz someone had foiled my plans for death once again... I looked at my shirt I had on last night and it's covered in blood... my sweet life force that I had managed to extract... I have to wonder though.... would God have taken me?? Or would have I gone to Hell where I belong?? I don't think God would've taken me... I'm a damnation... and I mean killin yourself is a sin right?? So yeah... I don't think God has much patients with me anymore.... I dread practice... my coach is gonna be all over me... and I dunno... Oh well though... shit happens and it just happened to happen to me... they put me on higher dosages of my meds.... but I think that maybe my meds are what made me like this... or at least made it worse... maybe not, I mean they are professional doctors right?? They should know what they doing, right?? I dunno... lets hope though.... The paramedics were nice this mornin.. they came to see me and make sure I was ok... I thought that was nice.. but I hate when people pity me... I've been pitied all day and it's gettin highly annoyin.... oh well.... this will go by just like all the others have... and I also thought about what my doctor said about intermountain.... see he told me when I got out the last time I was there that I don't have any warnings.... and now I do... maybe I'll nver go back then... maybe he'll just keep givin me warnings... what do you think??? lol Probably not... I don't have that much luck... I have to go see him again tomorrow... I hate talkin to him.... maybe I should print this journal out and give it to him... no... that would send me back in a heart beat.... I hate doctors... that why in the beginnin on my journal I had said a friend said I should go see a doctor... well I hate them... so I try as hard as I can to stay away... obviously it didn't work too well.... lol I wonder if I'm gonna get sent back... I hope not... I hate it there... I fully kill myself before I ever go back.... I will not go back....

 

[fallenangeld]

My life is going to hell....

Well my life just got worse.... my aubt did the worst thing she could've ever done... she took him, my best friend, my love, him away... I can't have any contact with him.... See when I saw him the other day... I didn't hurt anymore... I saw a great friendship and I knew I still had his love... we just molded it into a new relationship.... See I could always talk to him.... and now that I see that I still can and have been I've felt a little better (exception for last night) and I had the one person I could talk to back... and so i could get everything out and he understood... and still loved me... and now I don't have that again!! I can't survive without someone I can talk to... I almost didn;t!! It's not fair!! She doesn't understand... no one does... I hate this.... WHY?? Why did my life have to go to hell?? Why... I hate everything... I want to die... If I can't have the one person that does understand me in my life why should I stay alive... God please give him back... PLEASE!! I don't miss him like that anymore... I just want a true friend... please... I need this... I can't talk to anyone else... they don't understand.... my aunt doesn't and neither does my uncle... my mom's not here.... and all my friends look at me differently when i try to talk to them... and now that I can get over him and still have him by my side.... it gets taken from me... I want to die...... I don't want to live anymore... evryone's leavin me and now I have no one to talk to... no one that can keep me safe.... my safe zone has been bombed.....

 

[fallenangeld]

I can't see through this fog....

Everything has become like a thick fog.... everything is confusing and unseen.... I can't figure anything out... therefor I cannot fix all the things that are going wrong... I'm not going to battle my aunt on the whole seeing him issue... I'm going to continue to write him and I only have a year left then I can see him when I want to...And maybe not able to see him for a year will be ok... at least I can talk to him. I can't figure anyone out anymore.... it's like I'm being backstabbed all over the place... I feel like Cesear.... but that's ok... at least I know who's my real friends... I just kidna wish it was less painful... It would be a lot easier for me... but it seems that my life's got to be harder then it really needs to be... so I'm used to it... I met this girl a few days back and I've been talkin to her a lot and I think I like her... my uncle would freak if I got a gf.... oh well... I feel emotionless today... I'm not happy nor depressed... but I think it's closer to being depression rather then happiness... Everything is just going to hell... I'm trying to be good... and happy for them... but sometimes I just can't hide it... maybe I should try harder then... I dunno... I'm still lost... and I'm trying to find my way out into the light....

 

[fallenangeld]

I hate weddings.....

Grrr... I hate this... there is so much love going around for everyone, but me... Oh well... I'll get over it or bottle it up inside... which ever one works best... You know my goal on forgetttin him?? Well it's hard to do that when he keeps writing me and talkin to me when he can... but I'm still trying.... it's just hard... My cousin is getin married tomorrow... and I don't want to go... but I'm gonna anyways cuz I'm nice.... Todays I've been kinda depressed.... I'm leaving on the 30th for New York... this should be interesting.. I'll still be able to write in you... so now worries on that... I'm so bored... and tired... but I can't sleep... I've been havin the worst nightmares that I could swear they were real! And everytime I wake up... I hope I'll bein layin in his lap the old times... to find out I'm not and I gotta get over this myself... I had an axiety attack last night... it was bad... My aunt had to call my doctor to see what to do... He always knew how to handle it..... and... CRAP... I'm draggin myself back into memories.... but... I dunno... I like the memories, but they hurt so much.... in his letter he told me he's so confused cuz he likes her and still loves me... and my god... those words killed me... I cried... see how hard he's makin this for me?? But I will continue to try... I will... It's just gonna be a bit harder then I thought.... I have practice this Tues... and I'm scared to go cuz I still have a big bandage on my wrist.... hmmm.... oh well... I just won't answer questions... easier said then done... lol Well.... I was hopin for a visit from my best friend before he left but I didn't recieve it.... kinda made me sad... but I'll get over it... I don't think he had enough time... Oh something weird happened... I slept during the day... and I've NEVER been able to sleep during the day... it was quite strange... but nice... I'm gonna try agian tomorrow... before the wedding.... let's hope... cuz I think I'm gonna need it.... I just hope it's deamless.....

 

[fallenangeld]

How do I explain my feelings....

Today has been great... a little weird but in all, great... I want to do something right now, but there is nothing to do... so I'm stuck being bored... On Wed... I'm goin to New York... This should be interesting.... yes it should... lol I feel really funny... I feel like dancing.... I feel happy today... it's quite strange.... but enjoyable. I don't have a lot to say... nothin really exciting happened... I've just been happy and bored.... I wonder if that's a good mix....

 

[fallenangeld]

I've actually figured something out...

I think I know why I've been happy today.... I think I like someone... He's been one of my friends for awhile and he used to live here and then he had to move... he's still close, but far enough... we were good friends when he lived here and we've grown to be rather close and I really think I like him... I dunno though.. I don't thik it would work out to well... So I think I'll just let it go.... But that's why I've been happy... Out of everyone... I'd want to be with someone like him or himself cuz he's really understanding and protects his friends with his life... and he's really nice... so if I can't be with him I want someone like him... lol but perferably him..... Well, I'm leavin for New York on Wed... for 2 weeks... it should be fun... right?? Let's hope..... cuz I don't want to be bored.... oh well.... I always have my book and inter-web... lol