With my last breath of the life I took... I love you...

[fallenangeld]

I don't know why I feel this way... so much pain and lostness... It would seem that I should be like all my friends... happy, and loving one another... don't get me wrong I love my friends, but they don't know me.... they can't even begin to understand. I hurt and I want to be ok, but I keep fallin back into this dark hole. I try to think why I am this way... I burst into tears without reason yet there seems to be a deeper reason beyond my reach.. I want to talk to you, but can you save me? Should I trust you and open my heart to thee? Will I end up broken once again? I don't think you can save me... no one can... I am stuck in this hole and someone is shutting me away...
I know I have my friends and I love them... but why should I try to explain the unexplainable? That's not true either.. because I can explain it, but it's so hard for me to talk to them.. I'm scared that they'll hate me if they see the deeper me... the me that I don't let out. I scared of that me... so why wouldn't they be as well?
I cut myself last night again...... thinking of him and why he left me. I fell in love... why did I do that? It ruined everything! I hate myself! I hate emotions..... I always seem to ruin the happiness in life.. I ruin things betwee my dad and mom... I destroy everything... Why can't I be happy? I don't understand anything goin on in my head right now.... and there's no one here to save me....

 

[fallenangeld]

Watching them together hurts so much to know I'm alone...

I hated today! I woke up hurting from the start and all I wanted to do is be alone.. but I had a wedding to go to and I was surrounded by people. I hated being there for the other fact that it's two people in love. Don't get me wrong, I think love is great! It makes some people happy, but then there are people like me that are afraid to love or attach to someone for fear of rejection or losing them or destroying them. I hate being me. I just dont' know anymore.
I opened up to one person... I even loved him, but he broke my heart and he cheated on me... I'm afraid to open up for I might get hurt again. Or I might hurt someone else. I'm not sure why I'm like this. I mean I have a good life to most people, but I just can't be happy like I should be. I'm so confused and all I can hear is the scissors in my backpack calling out to my blood, they crave to free my crimson life source of this empty shell.
But I know I must resist for I should not cut for it would hurt people I love to see me do that to myself. Or even worse, I could end up in a psych ward which I do not want. So the urge must be fought and stored away. But deep down I know one day I won't be able to fight it. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

 

[fallenangeld]

Why is everyone leaving??

Everyone seems to be leaving me some how... I feel so distant to all my friends and family... if you can call who I live with a family... I don't understand why I am this way and I wish I wasn't... No one seems to understan... I have that urge to cut myself... and I might indeed... I just don't want to hurt anyone tough... just myself. I deserve all the pain and torture in the world..... I do...
My head hurts and I feel like I'm gonna pass out, but if I sleep the nightmares just come back... maybe they're not nightmares but something is trying to tell my that I should do what I dream... See my nightmares are of me killing myself. Sometimes I feel like that's the only way out.... I thought about doing it today in fact... I was close to.... I don't quite understand why I didn't but I think it might be because I have a different plan on how I'm gonna do it.
God, why must I feel this way... why can't I have anyone to talk to? Aren't you suppose to be the Holy Father that cares for us his children? Or am I to lost to be saved? I guess I'll find out when my crimson life falls from my body....

 

[fallenangeld]

Lost in a corner of my mind...

Why... why tonight... you act as if we're still together, but don't you remember you broke it off??? You kissed me like you used to and you played with my hair and help me feel better... like you used to... I cried for you... but you denied me.... so why now? I hate you....
I don't want to live anymore... everyone's leaving me... How can my life be so screwed up. ? I mean, I don't know why I'm like this and even how I got to be this way.... I'm losin all my friends... and I don't have anyone I can trust... How can someone's life just cahnge like that? I don't understand..... Maybe I never will.... Maybe I'm not ment to... I mean I don't even think I have a purpose in life anymore except to be miserable... GOD!!
Today.... well... it was going alright until tonight.... when I saw him.... then it all spiraled down. And yesterday someone called me a whore, but obviously they didn't know that I don't care what he thinks... I didn't even know him. So oh well I guess.... My friends suggested going to see someone about my "head" problems... but I don't want to turn out to be some crazy psycho bitch that has to locked up on a ton of pills or anything like that. So I decided against it.... maybe I'll go one day... if I don't kill myself first.... maybe someone can help me.... maybe....

 

[fallenangeld]

Why is it that I keep falling for you...

Today was an ok day... I'm glad cuz I'm so stressed... I just need a break from everything... I talked to him today and told him that I cut myself again and he told me to talk to him... just like he did when we were together... it made me sad, but you were always the only one the really understood, so I tired my best to talk to him... it was really hard... I'm just scared that everyone won't understand (considering I don't) and leave me....
Jeez.. there's so much shit going on in my head, yet nothing at the same time... The nightmares are worse... but I need sleep.... I hate to cut it short tonight, but I gotta lay down.... orn something.....

 

[fallenangeld]

Just when I was getting better...

My god!! I've been feelin great lately!! Today was a great day until he came into it... I went out tonight to have fun with friends just to find him with that skanky hoe!! After tellin me we'll get back together.... WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! And of everything that's holy, why her? He's even called her a skank.... I coudl've given him everything he's ever wanted....... Why..... I should just end it... end this pain.. end everything.. he'd like that.... I'm sure he would. I'm trying so hard not to hurt over this, cuz I know if he'd hurt me like that then he's not worth ti, but I just... I gave him my heart, soul, and life.... And he trampled all over it... I just don't know why it bothers me so much, I mean I know why, but knowing also that he's not worht it, why do I care so much.... I am just all mixed up... And her... she knows he cheats on his girlfriends... why get with him.... WHY DO I HAVE TO LOVE SOMEONE LIKE HIM?! WHY.... Why can't I be in love with a guy that'll be mine and not hurt me..... but no... I'm stuck with a guy that realizes he's hurting others and continues to do it... I can't deal with this... help me..

 

[fallenangeld]

Why did you have to tell ma that??

Today was suppose to be great and fun, but instead he ruined it... I was over helping him with dishes and I have no clue why I wanted to know, but I asked him anyways... Who asked who out?? Well, he decided to answer with kinda both of us... I was just waiting for one of you two to say something to me and she beat you to it... after tellin me we wouldn't be able to be together for awhile, but we will after that while... well sorry, but a month isn't awhile buddy!!! Why did he do this to me... at least why did he have to tell me that now.... GOD!! I hate this... I try to be all like happy for him and the skank, but he turns it back around shoving it in my face that he's hers now!! I just want to hit something... I just want to hurt things!! I hate feeling this way too!! I mean.... why would someone say that?? It's just cruel and mean... and then he continued to say I was being bitchy!! Well sorry if I was confused, angry, and hurt!! Damnit!! I hate this.... I could've had him back... I hurt.... this pain is unreal... Please God... send me a savior!!

 

[fallenangeld]

How can you be so cold?

I don't understand him... He called me and acted like everythign was fine... I told him why I was upset and he didn't understand. I told him I was a stupid girl that can't see that I don't have another chance and he said how's that. I explained to him because if I were smart I would see you're with her and he said so... I don't understand... I want him back, yet I don't... I told him I won't interfere with him and her... And I won't, but God you took him away!! At least send me someone that will take his place... or give him back, but something!! And please do it soon... why am I askin you for things... I know I'm probably to damned to even thing about... but please... help me.. I don't want to hurt anymore... I think about times when we were together and how he'd hold me when I was down and when I see him hold he that way... I hurt so bad... so bad... I just want to rip my heart out and hand it to him... thinking about when he'd lay with me until I was alseep... GOD!! Why did you take my lasy happiness away!! WHY!! Please.... tell me why... Argh.... I just don't want to feel like this anymore... I wish I could stop.. but it's always there... even when I'm happy I can feel it inside of me waitin for soemthing to let arise out of my heart and take over my emotions and the cry of my blood screams in my head... What did I do? Why am I this way? Please... answer me!! You're suppose to be there always with your children... why aren't here with me??

 

[fallenangeld]

Why?!

God my week keeps gettin worse!! I got a call from a friend to find out that oh all people HE did the most stupid thing ever and stole form a house and now he's in jail!! I ask you , god to help me, well let me tell you this is not helpin!! Now the guy I love has left me alone...... I don't know what to do!! And one of my best friends has been sent to Intermountain... the one person I could talk to cuz we're goin through the same thing... and now she's gone too!!! Why is everyone leaving?? Tell me!! I'm on my knees.... please give them back... please... I don't know what to do... help me please.... I'm thinkin thoughts that I haven't thought in awhile... I mean.... I hate thinkin these things, but they're all comin back.... I was strong to not give in, but now I know everyone's leavin me... so what's left?! I don't know if I can be strong anymore.... my thoughts are too strong and the urge is floodin my head... Why si this happening?? Help me please!! Someone... anyone....

 

[fallenangeld]

So Many Tears...

I've been tryin to help him... to get out... and tonight I went to see you with her and you told her you loved her... my heart sunk adn shattered.. I'm gonna try to get over him.. I'm gonna try hard. I can't take this pain anymore. I tired to kill myself... I'm losin to the urges I once could resist... I'm tryin to make sense why I let him get to me and why I let him break my heart... I love him, but now I know who he loves.. her. I want to talk to him, but I have to wait until tomorrow.... GOD!! help me....I;m tryin, but failin.... I don't want to be in this darkness anymore, but I can't talk to anyone... no one understnads... they blame it on him, but it's not just him that bothers me!! It's me!! I'm stuck in my mind.... it's like a trap that I've been dragged into and now I'm stuck with it... I want to be happy again... but he ruins it.. why?? Why do I let him?? I'm so confused right now it's not funny... I need help, but I have no one to go too. I cry all the time now... all my friends think I'm goin nuts... maybe I am... maybe I should be locked up in an institution.... maybe...

 

[fallenangeld]

Are you lying??

He called me today... he told me he loved me too, not just her... how can that be?? I don't know.. Today's the 4th and I'm tryin to have fun... but it's not goin to well. Maybe I'll fell better as the day goes on. I hope so.. I am tryin! Let's hope I succeed...

 

[fallenangeld]

I'm actually happy!!

I never thought I'd feel this way again!! I have a new boyfriend!! He asked me out today and I haven't thought about the old him since!! It's been such a great day!! I mean I still have feelings for HIM... but now I'm wiht someone that makes me happy again!! And it's GREAT!! Well I never thought this was gonna happen.... hehe!!

 

[fallenangeld]

Now I wonder why I am this way...

I'm not sure... I woke up depressed again...... Why?? I mean I'm happy, yet not! This really sux.... But I've been writing again... my peoms.. but most are sad, but that's the way my mind is.... and I mean I know at times I'm happy, but I think no matter how I feel my mind is always sad... i know one day (hopefully) I will be happy totally! I just don't know when... Here's one of my poems:

so far away

its ok to smile i heard them say once
its ok to laugh cause then it dont hurt so bad
and thats why thats why thats why
im laughing my ass off today
cause the harder i laugh the quicker the pain
will go away
they said they said they said
you are a dark crazy little girl
you are dead dead dead
and i look in the mirror my face i see
so sweet so pretty so empty
i cant remmeber the day when i turned
from pink to grey
from yellow to dark and cold this way
i know that there must have been a time
when i was whole when i was free
when i was mine
but its so far away
so far
so far away...
That's one of a few I've written here.... I dunno... I think I'm still confused on the way my mind works... I hope I can figure it out though.....

 

[fallenangeld]

What the hell...

my new guy called me last night... he broke up wiht me... he said that there's so much shit in his life he feels he can't be there for me like he should be... it's only been 4 days!! I not askin him to marry me or anything!! Jeez.... Today is just a day for me... no feelings, just a day, which I guess, is better then bein depressed., right.... Well not much to say... tonight I'm sure I'll have more... maybe...

 

[fallenangeld]

Missing you...

I got to thinkin about the way things used to be... and I wish it was that way again... I really miss it... I was happy and I lived with my mom and had the person I loved by my side.... then it all clashed and burned and I'm here with my bitchy aunt and asshole of an uncle and the person I love I hate at the same time and my emotions are hay-wire!! I can't believe I let it slip through my fingers... I hate mayself for lettin this all happen.... Everything's gone... I try to make tihngs better, but then when it seems remotly great it goes to hell... so I dunno what to do anymore... maybe I should give up... maybe things would just get better... cuz I wouldn't be there ro ruin things... God... I hate this... Well I'm bein yelled at.... cuz my life has to be in this shit hole... great times...

 

[fallenangeld]

Days of gold....

Oh jeez... today was a lazy day, but I couldn't help rememberin old days again... I don't know why I've been doing this... it just pops up in my head... I also cried to a movie cuz I miss him... oh well... I realize no matter what I can't change anything... it's just gonna be the way it is... I wrote some more poetry.... yup...

Cold world

Transparent eyes search out into a cold world
Angry thoughts burn through my mind
I am alone in a world of hate.
A world of prejudice and snobbery
Can they see me walking through the streets?
Does my image appear in any form?
It matters not if I am here
I fear most things
Yet, I refuse to be broken again
Too many lies
So much anger
No trust and no salvation for the weak
Darkness clouds over me
I cannot fight it
In an instant, a life that was once bestowed joy
Has now been baited for suffering
I am not afraid to cry
I am not afraid to hurt, nor force myself to heal
I refuse to beg or plead with you
If you must let me go
Then I shall return the favor
No matter how unwilling I am
I cannot hold you if u want to go
But I can fear being without you.
I can turn and invite the darkness

Yeah.. I kinda wrote that for him... I really like that one too... it seemes... satisfactory to me... yeah. It still does. I think I'm gonna get better... I mean I don't know why I feel this way or why my mind is black.... but I feel like something's gonna happen to make me happy... I hope I'm right....

 

[fallenangeld]

Don't come tomorrow

Om my god.... Tomorrow is gonna be the scariest day of my life!! I have a doctor's appt. and I go to see him in his sentencing court.... I'm so scared.... I mean I might find out that I have a reason to keep him in my life, but might be losing him at the same time... Oh jeez... I don't think I'm prepared for this.... I can't write much.... I'm scaryin myself even more....

 

[fallenangeld]

Why can't this just be over??

I went to his sentencin court and it's to be continued Wed.... But things aren't lookin to good... Sad to say, they aren't at all. I went to the doctors and found out that I have a big reason to keep him in my life, but also that I have a blood problem and it might kill that reason... and I'm scared. I've never been so freaked. But I think I'll live. I miss him so much and I found out that SHE'S in love wiht him.... after like 2 weeks!! Yeah... she was goin to break things off, but instead she said that!! What a hoe!! Oh well... if he's happy... I hurt though... so much... and I can't get it to leave... it needs to. Like Now.... I went to the lake today... it was pretty fun... yeah I had my first experience skinny dippin... it was quite interesting... I liked it... Here's a new poem...

falling

feeling like you're falling
empty hands reaching out
desperatly grasping
nothing to hold onto
your heart begans aching
cant control the words you're saying
no one understands you
it's a game thy think you're playing
no one listens to you
and you're falling.....
a differant kind of lonliness
it invades you
bitter full of anger
you feel lost like a stranger
and you're calling
calling out to her
but you're lips arent moving
a silent plea for a savior
she can't hear you
she can't hear you
do you hate her
feeling like you're falling
empty hands reaching out
grasping desperatly
with nothing to hold onto

yeah... I like this one. It's a good one. Yup.

 

[fallenangeld]

He holds my heart... he broke my heart...

Today was just one of those days... I didn't fell too well today either... but other then that my moods have been changin like mad crazy... I've been missin him and cryin, but been happy.... It's strange. I wrote a letter for him today.. I mean since I can't see him... I want to though... badly.. I want to confess everything... that I wish he would be back with me and leave her... but I don't want to cuz he's happy. Grrr.... So confused... I really don't need to be tonight.... But it looks like it's unavoidable... I miss him soo much..... I just remember all the good sweet times we had together and it breaks my heart to think I can't have that anymore... To be in his arms.... or him puttin me to sleep while I lay in his lap and he plays with my hair... him kissin me on my forhead... I miss it... I'd do anything to have that back... I'm gonna talk to him next time I'm at the house when he calls... we need to... about this and our serious problem... I feel like he's gonna hate me... I would really not be able to live if he hated me... I'd kill myslef... I couldn't live.... why does my head think things like that?? I hate that... so much...

 

[fallenangeld]

I want to find a guy like Jack Sparrow.... Captain Jack Sparrow...

I went to the movies with some friends today... I saw Pirates of the Caribean... it was great and Johnny Depp was so Hot!! I wish I could find a guy like that. It would be perfect. His personality was like Johnny's sometimes.... I had a lot of fun tonight though. I'm glad I have good friends that can make me smile still. It's good to know that I still have them. Tomorrow my hair's gonna be blonde once again... I hope it looks good... kinda scary... but I'm origanlly blonde soo... it can't be so bad, right?? Then Wed.... his sentecing court is then... I'm so scared for him... but I don't pity him... he put himself there... I just wish he didn't... there is a difference... I think... Well, and then I'm gonna take my little cousin to see Findin Nemo... It should be cute... I don't think it's my choice of movies.... but she needs to get out of the house... It should be ok... I hope..