Why did you stop writing?

[Tenth]

Then somewhere, somehow, we lost the message along the way...

I've got a migraine again. It's not bad yet. It may not get any worse. It might get real bad. It was there all day, and I know I was a real pill at work. If I had the sick time left this year I would have gone home. But I don't, so I didn't (We get all our sick and vacation time for the year in one lump sum on January 1). I blame the over time I pulled last week. That and the stress I've been carrying in my shoulders. So much tension there that it is painful and my neck pops when I tilt my head back.

I slept on the bus this afternoon. No one was sitting behind me so I reclined the seat as far as it would go and leaned against it. I pulled my feet up onto the seat next to me, curled up, and closed my eyes. Then I dreamt. I dreamt about the trees and the sun. I was looking up through them on a clear day and the sun came down in shafts of light. I looked around and was in the Redwoods near my home. The place where I've seen some teens riding a dirt board down the trails. But the trails weren't there. Just the underbrush and the reddish brown carpet of needles. I could feel myself smile and I held my arms out to my sides and turned slowly. I began to laugh and snowflake started falling from the sun. I woke with a start, feeling slightly confused. The headache was still there. My shoulders were still hurting, but we were a block from my stop. I was home.

-Tenth

The dream had felt like home to.

 

[Tenth]

Well, I think I am officially considering Smile to be ignoring me. No call this week from her. Sure there is some time left tonight, and maybe tomorrow, but at this point, if she wanted to get together, she would have called. Bah. She's had plenty of opportunities to get a hold of me, I certainly tried my best, but nothing. I will pursue someone to a point, but then, it's just to much. I will not beg to be someone's friend and/or lover. Not ever. I spent 6 or so years be marginalized by someone who did not love me nearly as much as I loved her and I am done with that. Is it possible I am over reacting? Sure it is. I am a little hurt and disappointed though. Smile is an interesting girl, I would have like to have gotten to know her better. Sure, I'll probably see her when everyone gets together, but I am not pressing anything. I thing what goads me is that she promised to call and did not. That, in my mind speaks volumes. It also resonates with things from Belle that really, really sucked.

-Tenth

I think I'll go mope. :mope:

 

[Tenth]

I admit it. My writing is uneven. Both here and in my fiction. Some days I get on a roll. Those days I can crank out page after page of writing I like. Other days it's like trying to pull out one of my teeth with the pair of old rusty vice grips I keep in my truck for an emergency. I usually don't like the writing I produce on those days. It feels forced. Things get rushed because I want to "get to the point" of the story. I talked, long ago, in this journal about depression being a driving force in my writing. If that were true, I think this year would have been one of the most productive years of my life since high school. It's not just depression. that beast pretty much sucks my will to do anything. There is a state of mind before the beast though. Slightly detached. Very analytical. If I can hit the keyboard with that mindset I can crank out some good stuff. Maybe it is because I write predominantly horror that that mindset works so well. I can write what, in my mind, should happen without remorse.

Remorse you ask? Well, as a writer I must admit that I become attached to characters. The why I write I think of character and situation, and have an incredibly vague idea of some things that should happen. I then write what the characters would do. Some times this goes no where. Sometimes it's gold. I often have a very developed character before I have word one down on paper. Time spent zoning out in meetings, watching TV, etc. is time spent thinking of them. Some of them, ones from the first novel I started (and have yet to finish) have been with me for almost 10-12 years. Writing them is a little like talking to old friends. Most of these developed piece by piece over the years. Little chunks falling into place until I have a good profile of the character in my mind. Others seemed to show up nearly fully developed. The characters of the novel I am working on right now were that way. I know some will die. Some will suffer worse fates. Some will survive, but will never be the same.

My mother asked me once where these ideas all come from. I always shrug and say, "Idunow." I think though that my father's camp fire stories about The Boogie Man (who, to my 4 year old mind in 1978 appeared as a disco polyester monstrosity with one giant sickly, luminous, green eye and mouth filled with row upon row of shark's teeth that nearly split his head in two) affected me. But not just that. Movies and stories about monsters fascinated me. Godzilla, Mothra, and Rodan were frequent visitors to our VCR, Though Freddy and Jason were a bit much for me until I was in high school. But once I found I liked them I had to see them all. I was probably the only kid at my school who would dig through the stacks at used bookstores looking for H. P Lovecraft, August Derleth, and Richard Mathison. I didn't read any Steven King or Dean Koontz until I was in college.

Belle once commented that I must have a "Bleak view of life." And maybe I do. My entries here would support that. I think I'm just more disappointed. I would like people to do what is right. I would like those people who work hard all their lives to barely get by to be rewarded. I would like the men (And women) who do horrible things to suffer for what they have done. In my stories there is usually a good against evil theme. There are many shades of gray though. And most of the characters live there. I just hope that when the chips are down they do the right thing. They usually do. At a cost. Even in my fantasy worlds doing the right thing isn't easy. But it is right. Maybe that is a bleak view.

-Tenth

But it's mine. Formed by my own experiences and thoughts. Never spoon fed to me.

 

[Tenth]

Exit Music (for A Film)

Bah! Insomnia.

Thoughts race around the NASCAR circuit in my head.

I'm a little (maybe more than a little) annoyed with Ego. Things were going good today. Saw Return of the King (Run, don't walk), had a nice dinner, than practiced on my guitar a bit, chatted with good folk online, and then Ego called. Now I've known him about half of my life. 14 years. But.. .there was a period there, about 6 years where we barely talked. Not due to any dislike, we just drifted apart, and since we lived in different cities, it was easy to never think about it. When I moved up here we started hanging out again. nearly 3 years ago now. Ego, I think, is unaware of the time that passed. I am a different person now than I was then. My interest have changed, I have changed. When he’s on his best behavior he is like a brother to me, and when he's not I wonder why I ever hang out with the guy at all.

So, tonight. He calls me. This is nothing unusual. He get bored or excited about something and wants to talk (I think his girlfriend just shuts him out and watches TV when he's like this, and thus he calls us... or more accurately, usually me). Last week I was rather harsh to him on the phone. I had worked overtime and wasn't in the mood to put up with his chatter. I felt bad afterward. Things smoothed over. Now personally, I have one BIG button you can press if you want to rile me up. It says "Belle" in big blue friendly letters across the front of it. Most the time it is a non issue. What happened between me and her is history now. About 4.5 years old (gah, has it been that long...)

My potentially stupid decision:

Over New Years I am going down to Belle's place to ring in the new year. If it was just going to be her I likely wouldn't go, but The Captain, Tasha, Conflict, Harvey, The Dragon, and maybe even Hair are going to be there. With the exception of Conflict it's been a year or longer since I've seen these people face to face. So I'm going. I am over Belle, though sometimes there are moments... It's like an old football injury that hurts before the rain. most the time it's like it never happened, but sometimes...

So Ego wants to know what's up for New Years. If there is going to be a party, etc. I tell him, "I'm going down to SoCal."

"Why?" he asks.

"A bunch of us from college are getting together to ring in the new year."

"So," he says, dragging out the o sound, "Belle gonna be there?"

"Yes," I reply, suddenly feeling defensive, "It's actually going to be at her place."

"Dude!" he chuckles, "You are so gonna get drunk and nail her."

To me that is worse than the sound of nails on a chalk board. No only does he not know me well enough to know how much pain that relationship had brought me, and that wile over her, there are still ripples from it moving through my life, and my mind. "You don't know what the fuck your talking about."

He begins a little chant, "Tenth's gonna get some! Tenth's gonna get some!" Never mind the fact that he's never met her. Doesn't know a thing about her other than what little I've said (I really don't talk about it) and having seen a picture of her once.


"What the FUCK is your problem. Jesus, what are you? 12? I've fucking moved on. I am fucking over her!"

He chuckles some more and says in a sing song voice, "If you can't joke about it, your not over her."

"What ever."

So there it is. Why I'm annoyed. I don't think I would have gotten quite as annoyed if Smile had not proved to be a flake. And yeah, maybe I over reacted. While I feel like I can move on now, and it took me a while to get to this point, I still do have some issues with Belle. All of which will go unresolved, because she is incapable of having an adult conversation with anyone. It took me a while to realize that while I should have gotten out of the relationship earlier, it failed not through my lack of effort, or any lack of some form of "worthiness" on my part. It failed because Belle has some serious issues. Even if I'd had the charm of Casanova, the mind of Einstein, and the body of Brad Pitt it would not have been enough for her. I look at her now, and hope that she someday finds what ever it was she was looking for. And I hope it makes her happy, but I can let go now. And that was the hard part.

-Tenth

Remember to breath.

 

[Tenth]

Porcelain

I'm not real happy right now. I feel a little disturbed. A little violated. No, wait, there is much to start here.

I woke up this morning about 6:00 AM. Something didn't feel right. It may have been the 4 hours of sleep. Maybe something else. Many people in my family believe that my Mom has, for lack of a better term, psychic flashes. She'll suddenly get a bad feeling, she won't know what it is, or when it will happen, but there is something bad out there. I never believed her. She stopped saying anything, but I can remember the look on her face when I came home minus the skin on my knees and hands from a skating accident that said she'd had a feeling. This morning was like that. Something didn't feel right, even though nothing was wrong (With me or my family). I was tired.

I drank coffee and net lurked waiting for Spaz and Ego to show. About an hour late I call Ego. Nope, not coming over. Spaz had to work, and ego didn't feel like driving highway 17. No problem. Very shortly after that The giant pops onto AIM and asks if I want to go hiking with him and Nil.

Bonus Round.

We head up into the Santa Cruz mountains to a place with some really cool geologic formations. It's foggy and cold, and we are about the only people there. It's perfect. At some point The Giant tells me he'd hung out with Smile this week. As he put it, "She's in super bitch rebound mode. She still not over her (abusive, heroin using) ex no matter how much she thinks she is." Fine. I'm considering it her loss at this point. He shrugs in that way that is the manly way of say "Ok, if you say it's cool I'll believe tyou, but I'm around if you want to vent." We head back to my place (Where Nil's car is parked). On the way The Giant gets a call from his girlfriend (Who I shall call Gnome to continue the mythological link to the Giant). She wants to get dinner. Nil, Welder (Who is at home), and I are all invited. Normally, I would have said no thanks, Not because of any dislike (Gnome is a cool girl) but because I know I have to work tomorrow, which means getting up at 5:30 AM. But tonight, I felt that I really do need to get out more and go.

Where things get a little weird.

We arrive at Welder's place as a rally point. Welder is dressed nicer than usual and seems... Very happy to see everyone. As we are getting ready to leave, everyone is piling into one car so people can drink, and I decide to drive, so that I can go from the restaurant directly back over 17 and home. Welder immediately volunteers to ride with me, "So it's not so crowded in Nil's car and I can keep you company."

For some reason, at the moment in time, an image flashes into my mind. Smile calling back to the other car leaving the sushi place, "I'll ride with Tenth so he doesn't get lonely." And it's gone.

In the truck Welder is sitting sideways in his seat, facing me. I make a mental note, finding it odd. We chit chat going to the restaurant. At some point he tells me that his boyfriend left town for a few days with out telling Welder, so he's a little bummed out. That sucks. Seriously.

Dinner happens. Gnome gets hyped up on sugar and caffeine. No one drinks.

Heading back to my truck after Welder comes up behind me and asks if I can give him a ride to his place on my way home. It's a little out of my way, but no big deal. Maybe 5 minutes. Besides The rest are stopping by there as well, so I can hang out and chat a little with Gnome (we share some hobbies, and I really don't see her much). Click. Why is Welder riding with me. Oh well, maybe because I gave him a ride there.

We joke. The jokes take a turn to a sexual nature. I am very secure in my own sexuality. I know what turns me on and what doesn't. And I am, in the words of Tasha. "Very open minded, and very straight." The jokes and innuendo seem to revolve around me and Welder getting together. Click. Something in his tone, I don't think I can explain it in a way that does it justice, moved from joking to suggestive in a tone that is… uncomfortable. As I'm driving he reaches over and runs his hand up from my elbow to my shoulder. There his hand begins to move in small, caressing circles. A light touch. A lover, or want to be lover's touch. I look down from the road for a few seconds at his hand and then turn my head and look him in the eye. What I saw there was not a playful joke. I saw something predatory. I saw something dark cross his eyes. A thought, neither friendly or wholesome. I know the face I made. You cannot grow up with teachers for parents and not learn it. A hard expression that lets you know instantly that you are doing something very, very wrong. He pulled his hand away, finger tips trailing. Lingering for a last touch. He's quite for a few seconds, and I turn back to the road. "I was just fucking with you man." Were you? A long pause. Your a good guy, but I am very straight. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him watching me. I know the look. I've seen it on someone’s face before. It's searching for the slightest sign. The slightest hope, that you are joking. That you maybe do feel about them the way they feel about you. I set my face grim and didn't talk. Close to his home he beguines to talk about something else. I get there. The others are there. Welder goes inside. I talk to Nil, Gnome, and The Giant for a little and head home.

It was a small event. Bt it felt... wrong. Like I was suddenly the unwilling participant in something I wanted no part of. It has made me intensely uncomfortable, and feeling slightly violated. Is it wrong to feel this way? I can rationalize away his behavior. He's still trying to figure out what/who he is, and is still coming to grips with his own sexuality. Sure I've developed crushes on women who didn't want me as anything more than a friend. But there was something about his eyes that bothers me. Made me intensely uncomfortable. Why do I feel violated? nothing happened. Not really. Or did it. Maybe my sense of humor lead him on somehow. Maybe because I treat him the same now as before he came out I am sending the wrong message somehow. But damn it my friends are my friends no matter what gender they are or love. I treat them as my friends. I'd hat to think that be behaving as a decent human being I gave him the wrong impression.

-Tenth

Why do /I/ feel like I have done something wrong.

 

[Tenth]

Friends of P.

I spent last night calling all of my friends still down in San Luis Obispo. Don't know how much any of you out of California heard, but there was a 6.5 earthquake about 60 miles north west of there. Everyone was fine.

I talked to Tasha about my weekend last night as well. It's always good to have someone to vent at. I feel a little better about things, but still a little weirded out. She also wanted to know what was up with Smile. After explaining things, or lack of things, she felt compelled to offer the "Tenth you are a really great guy and someday some woman is going to figure it out." speech. I hate to sound cynical, but I have heard it befor. Many times, not sure I believe that (Own harshest critic) and to be honest, the fact that things did not work out is OK with me.

Shortly after Tasha, Belle called. I had not spoken to her in months, and other than an occasional email I've had no communication from her. She wanted to know when/if I was coming down for New Years. I am, I told her when. She wanted to know what I'd been up to, so I told her about my weekend. When I got to the part about The Giant talking about Smile, she ask, "Who's Smile?" Right. I'd never mentioned Smile to Belle. It hadn’t really crossed my mind. Why should it? I briefly relate things, boiling down to Smile is a girl who I went out with a few times, we had fun, but she stopped calling back, so that's it. "Oh..." With subtext. She sounded surprised and hurt. She left me, sitting a curb in San Luis Obispo with a broken heart as she drove out of my life, over four years ago. What the hell. Was I a back up plan now? *SHRUG* she had a thousand opportunities, and she passed them all up and left.

Tonight Smile called me. She wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas. We talked for about 20 minutes. Mostly about the holidays and shopping for various people in our families. And then she hung up so she could eat dinner. *SHRUG* Sometimes I feel like the is a message board somewhere on the net that all the women I know log onto to swap ideas on how to be contradictory, confusing, and create chaos in my life. I have no idea what to make of this one.

-Tenth

I gotta say, my mind is fried tonight, so it is likely the above is highly disjointed.

 

[Tenth]

Come As You are

I feel like I've been kicked in the head. I have a vicious headache brought on, I am sure, by lack of sleep and dehydration. A small helping of familial stress probably didn't help either. Oh, no crisis this Christmas, just the low grade stress that occurs when the whole family is together. It was good to see everyone, but I was so tired the whole time. I had to work the 24th and have to work tomorrow, the 26th. I think that this year is the least amount of time that I have ever spent at home over the holidays. 22 hours. I actually wish I could have stayed longer and gotten at least one good nights sleep. I think I would have been cheerier.

-Tenth

Merry... what ever it is you celebrate this time of year.

 

[Tenth]

Anything, Anything, (I'll Give You)

I'm restless, and sick. Never a good combination.

The restlessness is what gets me. I want to get out. I want to something... ANYTHING! Step out. Cruse downtown. Feel the pavement under my feet. Listen to a band in a bar. Give a few buck to a street musician. Get a beer or four down at 99 Bottles. A cup of coffee at Santa Cruz Espresso. I want to feel the cold night air on my face. My ears. My fingers. My skin. I want to look up at the stars and remember the constellations I used to know. I want to go down by the water and listen to the waves crash onto the shore. I want to tilt my head back and howl at the moon. I want to spend an hour rooting through the CD's at streetlight. And leave without purchasing any. I want to walk past the homeless kids in front of Boarders. I want to run past the yuppies at Starbucks. I want to feel the rhythm of the night in this town.

But I'm home. Sick. Not bad, but know that if I don't take care of myself I will likely get sick enough I have no choice.

I want to do all these things. Alone or with someone else.

-Tenth

Alone would be fine. With someone else, better.

 

[Tenth]

The Tourist

I noticed a few days ago that seemingly every homeless person in Santa Cruz has a Santa hat on. It's as though the city decided that they needed to be dressed up for the season so that they won't scare the shoppers. The vision of a disheveled homeless man holding a sign that reads, "Pleas, anithing wil help" in large blocky letters with this bright red, fake fur trimmed hat struck me as incredibly sad. Maybe someone handed them out. Maybe the local homeless all got together and decided that if they have the hats they'll appear less threatening and do better. Maybe it's just a coincidence. A cosmic irony. It did, however, remind me that as unhappy as I have been at points this past year, I am much better off then a very large percentage of the population of the world. A revelation? A change in my world view? No. Perhaps it should be, but it isn't. It's just a reminder that as dark as things seem sometimes, it's not as bad as it could be.

-Tenth

On the outside looking in.

 

[Tenth]

The World has turned and left me here

Ah, another year has come and gone. What has changed? Not really a lot. I still work in the same place, though my job has changed some. I still live in the same apartment. I'm still single, though made at least one attempt to change that. If anything I've come to realize that I am probably more screwed up than I had thought int he past. This doesn't change anything. It is just a recognition of it.

Wheels within wheels.

So tomorrow I hit the road for the long haul to Belle's place for the New Years get together. All the folk from school will be there. It will be good to see them all. I am really not sure what I feel about being around Belle for nearly a week. I suppose, what ever happens, I will have proven something to myself. What that is I won't know until I get back. I must admit I am a little worried that I will either fall back into the old familiar patterns, or will be, frankly, a total asshole to her. And while I am defiantly not happy with the way she treated me in the past, at this point, being an asshole will prove nothing, and only serve to disappoint myself.

The world has moved on.

I've felt a tremendous sadness the past few days. I honestly do not know why. I am not depressed. Not really. Just sad. I am feeling this void. A loss somewhere in my life, and I do not know what it is. Maybe this void id always there. Making me feel hollow. Maybe it is this void that drives my late night walks. Maybe it is this void that drives my restlessness. Maybe it is this void that makes me spend money on useless stuff. Things to fill up an emotional void. All the money in he world couldn't fill it. What can fill it. Nothing I know of. I'm still searching for that piece of the puzzles.

A comet passed between the moon and the earth.

I dreamt of her again. My dream girl with the dark hair. The one I've never known. Who appears to me in my dreams. She is everything I have ever wanted. She is kind. She is funny. She is sweet. She understands my moodiness. She is beautiful in both mind and body. She is unlike anyone I have ever know. She does not exist. Sometimes I imagine that she is out there. Probably lurking in a coffee shop. Maybe scribbling in a worn note book with the urgency of one who has just had the most brilliant idea pop into their head. Maybe, I think, if I look hard enough I'll find her. I never have. she does not exist.

I need sleep. I can feel the melancholy descending.

-Tenth

Looking out upon the saline sands.

 

[Tenth]

Firestarter

I'm proud of myself. The little vacation/New Years get together went very well.

On Belle:

Things were no where near as weird or stressful as I feared they would be. I think we get along better now than we ever did when we were involved. I still care very deeply for her. We were so close I suspect I always will. I am not, in love (In the romantic sense of the word) with her anymore. I needed to test myself. I passed.

Harvey, The Captain, Tasha, The Dragon, and the rest:

I had forgotten how much fun we all had together. After relating some of my more recent, sake inspired, less than sober adventures, they decided they must get me drunk on sake. While I was quite happy (I am, in general, a happy drunk) nothing notable happened.

New Years Eve:

We went to Universal City Walk in Hollywood. It was interesting. To my Santa Cruz denizen's eyes it seemed the most garish, gaudy place on earth. There was a live show at one end, with some 70's cover band (Or at least that's all they played when we were within earshot). On the other end there was a techno DJ of decent talent, so we stayed down there and listened and danced. It was a good night all in all.

It was a good trip, but it was... looooooong. Remind me not to drive to LA again.

-Tenth

And miles to go before I sleep.

 

[Tenth]

The Distance

Bah! I left the word "Not" out of the previous post. Bah! leaving it out changes the meaning!

This week has been strange at work. First, a promised pay increase didn't happen. Second, the two temp employees hired a month ago to help us catch up on out back log of work were let go. Finally, the executives were given bonuses in the millions for "Meeting cost cutting objectives." Wonderful. We're still backlogged, worse now than before, and no end in sight. Do I fear for my job? not really. Even if I were laid off I'd be in decent shape for a bit, bedsides, I'm single, no kids, and no mortgage. Even if I lost my job I could survive on far less than I am making.

Conflict's dilemma:

Conflict and I have become rather close friends over the years. I have turned into a confidant for her. When she needs to talk and vent she usually calls me. For as long as I have known her the one, big, weighing thought on her mind has been her (lack of a) love life (Mind you she's been out there and done much better than me in recent years). I often got the impression that she was waiting to be swept of her feet by Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome. I guess this is finally happened, and guess what? It has freaked her out. Like myself, she thinks to much. So I offered my advice.

Live in the present, but plan some for the future.

I spent many years living in the future. it was the "when I..." song. When I graduate... When I get a real job... When I get married... When I buy a house... When I've made senior status at work... What I've learned is that many of these things may never happen. And the ones that do may not happen like you expect. And when they do you may miss out on some really great things because you are thinking ahead. So many years seem like they never happened because I was waiting for something.

She agreed with me. But said that it was hard advice to follow. This is true. For me though I think I need to. I have spent a long time being so unhappy because things that have happened, and things that could, and it cast a shadow over things from the current moments in time.

I think Conflict will make the choice that is right for her, what ever that may be. I think having someone to verbalize some of those insecurities has helped. She's a smart girl. I hope her guy (TDH if he become a fixture) is right for her and good to her.

Myself, I'm trying to keep the faith and follow my own advice. I am going to try to recenter parts of my life that have been out of whack for to long. In martial arts I learned that a focused Chi is nearly unstoppable. My Chi has been tied in knots for nearly ten years. Time to work them out.

-Tenth

Following butterflies.

 

[Tenth]

Hey Pretty

My left arm sore. I slept on it weird last night, and when I woke up it was totally without feeling. Other than the soreness it is otherwise OK.

This weekend was, well, odd. The Giant's girlfriend broke up with him this weekend. I don't believe he saw it coming at all (And honestly I don't think any of the rest of us did either). So I spent a lot of time hanging out with him and basically distracting him from thinking about it (Guys often don't talk about these things other than to briefly explain what happened, The Giant didn't offer so I didn't ask). We didn't get him drunk (Alcohol and depression seem like a bad combination) and instead went out to restaurants and got him sucked into video games (How fast can you rack up 6 wanted stars in Grand Theft Auto 3?).

For my own part I'm a little angry with her. I have my own suspicions about what happened (Based on the few comments The Giant made) and past history she has. At least she came right out and broke it off, rather than playing some of the games I've seen played (By both sexes) to get rid of a significant other. I think I'm a little angry because in the three years I have known The Giant he has rarely been really happy, and, well, into any of the women he's been with, and I know he was very into her, maybe even in love.

I take it back. I'm not angry with her. Just disappointed that two pretty good people couldn't work something out. No blame.

-Tenth

From the land of fog and trees.

 

[Tenth]

Until I Fall Away

It's amazing how close music is tied to memory for me. One of the local stations does a 90's flashback show everyday at noon. Being that I graduated in 1992, I have a lot of memories, good and bad, associated with the music of the 90's. Even stuff I hated brings a smile to my face now.

At any rate...

I heard the song "Hey Jealousy" by The Gin Blossoms and was instantly taken back. It was on the radio nearly constantly for a while, but I went back to one day in particular. A picnic in the park near the house I was renting a room in. It was a warm spring day and the grass we still slightly damp. I remember clearly the sound of the wind through the trees, the muted din of traffic, and excited cries of a group of college guys tossing a Frisbee around. I can remember the sensation of her fingers through my hair and the feel of her hip through her jeans. We were there on that old blanket for a god chunk of the afternoon, talking, giggling, stealing kisses, and enjoying those silent moments together.

That night was remarkable as well, but I remember that day better. I can remember her face, framed by her dark hair. I remember her dark eyes searching mine. I remember her saying, "I think I'm falling in love with you Tenth." I remember the rush in my chest when she said it. That whole quarter was a beautiful slice of my life.

She's married now. One child. A house payment. A full time job.

-Tenth

God, that seems so long ago, and yet I can still almost feel the warmth of the sun, and her love, that day.

 

[Tenth]

Mad World

I'm tired tonight. I feel worn out. This work week seemed so long. I spent to much time staring at the screen. I find screen time more draining than any ofther thing I can do ar work. ACAD is a wonderful invention, but I swear sometimes I can feel it sucking away my energy.

I need to do fun things this weekend. No lazy weekend. Those restor the body. I need to restor the mind. I think I'm going to go for a walk.

-Tenth

nothing really useful to say tonight.

 

[Tenth]

Neever There

I'm a little annoyed at things right now.... But before that...

New Years at Belle's place was a very good thing for me. I needed some sense of closure on that whole thing, and I finally got some. I think we were always better as friends than as anything more. And we are still good as friends. But neither of us wants anything more, and that is a good thing. The days spent at her place proved to me that I was over her, and that things were going to be ok. But... In a really weird way... It's kind of scary to let go of that dysfunctional relationship. To move past it. I'm not sure if I can properly explain why, but I think it's because to let go of that is to be alone. Really alone. There was still that tiny little kernel in my brain that said that she was out there, and someday... And I think that is a large part of why I had such a hard time letting go. To let go meant to be alone, no back up plan, no one to turn those lonely (in the emotional and physical sense) thoughts to. Just me. And I think that terrifies me. I think what terrifies me is the concept that I may never be that close to someone again. I don't trust people, and women in particular for reasons I won't get into, easily. It's even more difficult for me to open up to people. You, who read this, have a unique perspective on me. Most of what is here is never verbalized. Some of it never has been. While I like to think of myself as self reliant and strong, they, to me at least, are traits I aspire to and never achieve. The truth of the matter likely lies between the two extremes, but I know what it feels like. And it feels like I've never gotten close. I still miss Belle, but it's a memory I can handle now without the pain. Something bittersweet.

And now...

I was supposed to hang out with Smile today. "Oh my god Tenth, I would loooove to spend some time with you Sunday." she said. We worked out details, and that was that. I don't really think anything could ever work between us, there are some differences in our lives that make it difficult. But I still like to spend time with her. When we have been together we "connect." I think, for me, I see in her some of the pain I've felt in my life. For different reasons, but the feelings are the same. The part of me that wants to be the protector is drawn to that like a moth to a bug zapper. So the time she's supposed to come by approaches. Apartment cleaned? Check. Truck washed? Check. Shave, shower, and aftershave? Check. Clean, nicer-than-usually worn-by-me, but-not-so-nice-it's-obvious-I'm-making-an-effort cloths on? Check. The time passes. No problem she's usually fashionably to slightly more than fashionably late. About two hours late I decide to call her and find out what's up. She doesn't answer. I leave a friendly message. That was about 7 hours ago. I've heard nothing. God damn I feel like a jack ass. I feel manipulated. I hate that. I'm feeling pretty bitter right now about the whole thing. I've never been stood up before. No, that's not entirely true. Belle did a few times, and it always hurt. Deep. So did this. Perhaps it shouldn't have. I should have known better. But damn it, being cynical and right all the time really sucks. Maybe I've completely misjudged Smile. Maybe she is not the person I believe her to be. Maybe I've been played. I hate this feeling. A knot in my stomach. A ball of unhappiness. A black dog baying outside my window. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.

Belle knew, and still does, better than any person alive. On New Years eve the song "Anything, Anything (I'll Give)" by Dramarama was on the radio. of the 6 of us in the car only Belle and I knew it. We both sang along with it. She reached up from the seat behind me and squeezed my shoulder. For us both, I think, that song once meant a lot. Seemed so relevant. It isn't anymore.

-Tenth

But the emotions of it still linger.

 

[Tenth]

Round Here

OK. Better today. I'm over it. I think. So. I had a nice long weekend with lots of plans. IT was going to be exciting and interesting. Not one of the plans happened. CM and DB are the only people I had any sort of interaction with (Beyond the customer/clerk interaction at the store)I'm a little disappointed. I had considered going down to San Luis Obispo for the weekend, but had enough in the works to no do it.

Last night I practiced with on my guitar for over an hour. It's starting to sound a little like music. This pleases me greatly.

Today, lacking any concrete plans, I became a consumer for a while. I found a /REALLY/ killer deal on a new jacket. I didn't really need a new one, but it was to nice and to cheap to pass up.

the weather was gray and overcast. Driving from Santa Cruz to San Jose was like passing into another world. It was gray and oppressive there. Just a hint of rain in the air. I reaffirmed my hatred of malls, and reaffirmed my love of little out of the way shops.

-Tenth

Glad some people had a good weekend. You know who you are.

 

[Tenth]

Bounce

So... I called Smile today. I probably shouldn't have. She borrowed a book from me. While it would be a simple matter to replace it, damn it, that one is mine and I want it back. OK, I admit, it's a little petty. Maybe I just don't want to leave anything of me with here. Or maybe I just want the book back. At any rate. I call, expecting to get her voice mail (She tends to not answer her phone, and then call who ever it was back). I had intended to leave a message for her to pass the book to Welder and then I could get it back (this whole thing has felt a little weird. This is the kind of shit you do after an ugly break up. We've only gone out a couple of times. Weird). To my surprise she answers. "Hi!" I'm ready to launch in a sort of live version of the message I had planned out. I manage to get out "Hello Smile!" before she launches into an apology. She's sick. she sounded like shit on the phone. There was some other stuff as well (But what gets me is it wouldn't have been hard to just drop me a call!) that I won't go into. I believe sick, the other stuff is likely, but I'm not sure I trust her. So my cold black heart softens a little. Then she says, "If I'm feeling better this weekend I'll make it up to you." Sigh. SO... We talk for a while. Lay out some tentative plans (hinged on her health) but... I feel like I might be making a sucker out of myself. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... am I a sucker? I feel like I'm going to be one. I am approaching this weekend very guarded. I hope good things happen, but I'm to cynical to think they will.

-Tenth

Space Cadet

 

[Tenth]

Policy of Truth

Smile is still sick. Other problems still abound. She sugested sunday. I already have comitments. *SIGH* At what point should I just write the whole thing off? Besides, I wouldn't have had or been much fun. I've got either a mild hang over, or am feeling the start of a truely evil headache comng on. Given the drinking I did last night I suspect a hang over. I just got a promotion at work, so did a little celebrating. Myself, CM, and DB went down to to 99 bottles for dinner. I wound up drinking a rather significant amount. At some point early on I realized that since I had not driven, and DB wasn't going to drink I could just drink the beers as fast as they would bring them. If I had had a few more, or been with The Giant and/or Nil I would have made a pass at the girls at the next table. As it was I was seriously concidering it befor CM and DB drug me out of there. All I can really rememebr about them is that one was vaguely gothic looking and that another had glasses and looked very serious. Gah. How funny would that have been? Drunken Tenth wandering over to their table and trying to suave when his balane is shot fromt he alchohol (The fact that dinner didn't show until beer number 4 and
i'd not eaten since noon or so helped with getting inebriated). I need coffee. Strong coffee. And substantial food for breakfast.

-Tenth

Anyone want to come over and cook for me?

 

[Tenth]

My Grandfather is not doing so well again. He's in the hospital. Apparently he was sitting at the table for lunch and just slumped over. The nurse who was visiting them at the time took his pulse, 29, and called 911. His heart stopped 3 times during the trip to the hospital. I guess he's feeling better now. Mom said Grandma said he was joking with the nurses and harassing the doctors by this afternoon. No knows why it happened. Maybe his blood pressure meds the paramedic thought. He's up there in the years. Over 80. He's live a long life, and if her were to die now it will have been a full one. But We'll miss him. Miss the man who taught me how to clean a fish, make a rubber band gun, and once drilled tiny holes in the sugar spoon (much to Grandma's dismay). Keeping the phone near. Hoping it doesn't ring.

-Tenth