Why did you stop writing?

[Tenth]

Way back Flash Forward

For a little back story go reread my post on 11/02/03 regarding a girl I had a crush on in high school. I'm going to refer to her as "Car" because, as I recall, she had one befor the rest of us. There are other reasons to, but I won't go into them (Rest assured thay aren't as exciting as my secrecy around them makes them seem).

So about two weeks ago, shortly after the post about Car I was hanging out with Ego The Living Planet and his girlfriend (Moon? Ok Moon it is). We were watching movies and talking and, as is often the case, Ego made some lewd comment about something on TV. Now these are generally the sort of comments that almost make me ashamed to be male, let alone a friend of his ("Look at the ass on that one. You know she like it up the ass!" Where someone does or not is their own choice, but jeez behave yourself, show some damned tact) After Moon finished attempting to pummel him with a pillow I decide it would be good fun to embarrass him with some story's about high school. Moon was quite amused and Ego tried to sink into the couch. The stories led into reminiscing, do you remember, and there was that time that... And then he brought up Car. We talked about the rumors I'd heard and he said he'd heard that she was still happily married. (Of course he goes on to tell Moon "Tenth here so could have had Car if he hadn’t been to chickenshit to say anything." I shrugged, she may have liked me, but the past happened as it did and won't change... you know it sounds like Ego is a horrible guy from this little bit, but he really isn't. It's more like his moral barometer is set a little different. His heart is often in the right place, even if his words make him sound like an asshole.) So that night, when I got home I became very curious what had happened to her. So I got online and began to searched. It took some time, but I found someone by the right name in the area of my home town. So I sent email asking if it was her.

A week went by. I forgot about it.

And then i got a reply. It was indeed her. She lives about 45 minutes from me. We traded a few emails to catch up. Unfortunately she confirmed al of the rumors I had heard and then some. She went through some very bad times in the early 90's. I can sympathize, but cannot really relate to any of it. As she put it though, "That was all 10 years ago and I've moved on." I am glad she is doing alright now, but am deeply saddened by the things that happened to her. I wish I had stayed in contact with her, although there is nothing I could have done to help. On second though, no. It's better this way. What happened would have been to painful to hear at the time. I would have wanted to help, but not being able would have been far worse than not knowing.

I'm not sure that we can really be friends again. Or at least not close. I will continue to trade email with her though. And she is doing much better and is happy with where her life is now. For that last bit I am thankful and happy for her.

-Tenth

Some days are better than others.

 

[Tenth]

Looking through the PMs I've received since I've been here (Well, the ones still around at any rate. I am a deleting madman) it occurred to me that with one exception they have all been from users here who are female. I wonder if that says more about my writing, the community here, or about the differences between the way men and women interact. That's all. No angst riddle post. Nothing deep and philosophical. Just one random observation.

-Tenth

I'd make a great cat.

 

[Tenth]

Goin' to dinner with Smile Friday night. Wheee.... wish me luck. Send me good vibes, etc.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

*happy Dance*

*TENTH DOES THE AFOREMENTIONED HAPPY DANCE*

So tonight with Smile went well. How well? Well.... If nothing else I am sure we will be good friends. More? Dunno. To soon to tell. (I've often... and am in this case... looked at dating as an opportunity to make friends. If more comes that's great. If not, well you can always use friends)

I picked her up at her place (which was an experience, she lives in a very nice, somewhat isolated, area... I was sure I was lost). We went up to SF to see Circe Du Soliel. Freakin' awesome show. We both felt like little kids watching it. Two hours passed much to fast. After that dinner (Nothing fancy) there was much conversation. All good. Smile is a very sexy person. She reminds me a little of Someone who thinks she is always right (Well, at least what I know of miss always right). During the.. 4 (or so) hours after the show we spent together there wasn't a single awkward pause in the conversation, or any feeling that things were going any less than stellar. After that we headed to her place and we about to watch a movie when, well, for reasons sort of involved and I don't really want to get into here (It didn't involve either of us, there were other people who showed up) She walked me out to my car. There was a moment there where I probably could have kissed her, but I hesitated and it was lost. Not in the bad I missed my chance sort of way, but a that was a moment and you missed it sort of way. Hard to explain, but I didn't feel like I blew it. If anything it was the right move. We hugged twice and then I left. A good evening in all. She promised a chance to watch the movie another night

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

A group of us went out to dinner last night. And once again Smile was there. We didn't have an opportunity to talk much because of the size of the table. When we left she gave me a hug that could crack ribs and then apologized for having to chase me out Friday, and that we'd "Finnish watch the movie soon." Looking forward to it.

It's occurred to me that even if this goes no where it is some of the most fun I've had in a long time.

Conflict stopped by today. I think she needed to get out of the house for a while and wasn't sure what to do with herself. I am also sure she wanted to get details on my evening with Smile. We went and got lunch downtown and talked. I gave her all the details of the evening, as well as everything from last night that seemed relevant. She wanted to know if Smile was someone I wanted to get serious about, and, honestly, I don't know. I have a very long history of living entirely in my head, of over thinking everything. It's time to live in my heart for a little bit and not over think thins to much. To go with what my heart says is right. (Not to say that I won't think at all, it's a matter of moderation and proper proportions). If I had listened to everything in my head I would have never called Smile. So... there. That's where I'm at. Conflict seemed to approve, and even seemed to believe that I was still thinking to much. Regardless she has decided that, "If your going to be going on dates we need to dress you better. The whole jeans and flannel shirts thing needs to be toned down." So I guess one of these days soon we're going shopping. I've begun to buy some nicer shirts, but Conflict is convinced it is not far enough.

Once again Conflict tried to get a reaction out of me by taking me into the lingerie shop downtown that had an "Adult Toy Room" in the back. Once again I don't think I shocked had the reaction she was hoping for. I’m really not a shy and quite as I sometimes come across.

Thought for the future: Live the best I can, Find the right balance between though and gut instinct, and relax and allow good things to happen.

-Tenth

Smile has a sock fetish the way many women I've known have had shoe fetishes.

 

[Tenth]

Long time, No sea...

Last night the phone rings. I answer, not really expecting anyone to call. I say hello, and the voice on he other end say, "So, you really like this Smile (Well, used her real name) girls don't you?" It takes a second to recognize Tasha's voice. "Well..." I begin. "Did you kiss her?" "Um.. almost." I was rather confused. I had sent email to Tasha saying that I had gone to the show with Smile, but really nothing more. Tasha, however, has known me for close to 11 years at this point, and as she put it, "With you it's not so much what you do say, it's what you leave out. You didn’t say anything about her so I knew you liked her." I guess she does know me to well. I had purposely said as little as possible about the evening because I'm still not sure where it is all going. I tell her as much. Once again, in typical Tasha fashion, "Your into her, even if you don't know it yet." It a little intimidating when someone knows you that well. She wanted a "Blow by Blow" of the evening, so I ran down everything... everything. I left no detail out, and tried to present events in an objective as possible light. After all that she asks, "So why, exactly, didn't you kiss her?" And I gave my honest response. I hesitated because of the age difference. Tasha laughs. "You are a total dumb ass!" Part of it, for me, was not knowing how Smile would react (Though, honestly I believe it would have been a positive reaction) the other part was not knowing how the people close to me in my life (Like Tasha and Conflict for example) would react. Conflict had asked me, "What would change in 7 years with her that would make everything alright?" I had no good answer. Tasha brought up the example of her and "Racer X" who she dated for a few months in school. I never knew until last night that Racer X was 10 years older than Tasha. She thus had a, "Good Perspective" on things. As she put it, “The problems that Racer X and I had had nothing to do with the age difference. Racer X was just an asshole. I know you’re a really good guy, and that you’ll treat Smile right.” So, I'm the only one taking issue with the age thing. And, while it shouldn't really matter to me what others think, knowing that the people I am close to have no problem with it is making it easier for me to let go of it and just go with the flow of things. Having someone to discuss all of this was tremendously helpful to me. While talking to Conflict help some, Tasha is the type of person who will tell you exactly how she feels and what she thinks. I've always liked those people. You always know where you stand and what they think. If they think you're being an idiot, they will call you on it. More often than not they are right. So thank you Life, The Universe, and Everything for giving me such good friends, even if I don't always appreciate them.

So, back to the issue of Smile. Tasha has decided that she's going to get on my case until I get an Idea where things are headed with Smile. This is a good thing. If left to my own devices all those old insecurities and shyness will freeze me in inaction. If you take to long to take action, action will be taken for you, and that action is never what you want it to be. This is a rule I live by on the paintball field. It applies to life as well. So, I'm figuring out my next move.

This will sound bad. If Smile and I had not seemed to hit things off, if there had not been that spark of something that has made me like her more than I had thought I would, life would be much easier. I'd be lonely and miserable, but I'd know what was going to happen. Horrible isn't it? Yes, it is. I'm am /SO/ glad that that spark was there. If nothing else it gives me something to think about besides hating my life.

So Tasha gave me a homework assignment. She wants me to get a hold of Smile, go out again, and this time don't hesitate. So I won't... at least I'll try not to.

-Tenth

Someday I'll write about something besides Smile, but right now she's at the forefront of my thoughts that need sorting.

 

[Tenth]

Gobble, Gobble?

So, another Turkey day has come and gone. And in usual Tenth's Family fashion it was not celebrated in the typical manner. No turkeys gave their lives. How ever one Salmon and one Cow died for the cause. We had a hell of a BBQ and then had dinner with all the fixin's. So what am I thankful for this year? Being alive (Sounds bad, but I've had two close brushes with the reapers scythe this year. Both would have been sudden, unexpected, and bloody. Both missed, if only by a few seconds or feet each time), something happening in my love life (A portion of who I am that has been dead for so long it all seems new.. even if nothing happens), Sis and Bird's happiness (Since the wedding they have been happier than I think I have ever seen them), being able to let go of a lot of baggage from my past (sometimes we are able to unload this stuff), and all of my friends, near, far, new, and old. You are all dear to me. I wish you the best in all of life.

Perhaps one of the funniest things I can think of:

Sitting at the dinner table with Belle and her family (This is the "My parents want to meet you" trip). During the dinner her younger brother (16 at the time... I was 21) mentioned that a girl at school who liked him had given him a pair of handcuff and joked that she would, "Show him how to use them later." It was one of those moments where my mind works so quick there is no time between though and words. This is usually when I put my foot in my mouth. I said, "Cool, Are they padded? Because if they aren't padded they can chafe if your not careful." As the last word left my mouth I realized what I had just said in front of Belle's parents. The younger brother laughs so hard Dr. Pepper sprays out his nose. Belle's eyes grow to the size of silver dollars and then squint into the I-don't-fucking-believe-you-said-that-you-are-in-so-much-trouble-mister gaze. Her father freezes, arm half way to the mashed potatoes. Her mother looks at me for a second, than starts laughing. Between gasps she manages to get out, "Hang onto this one Belle, he sounds like fun *SNORT*” Belle's father gets a sheepish grin. I was a red as a bowl of tomato soup. Even my ears blushed. Oh, I was defiantly in trouble with Belle, but her folks... I think they liked me.

-Tenth

I manage to put my foot in my mouth every time I meet someone's parents/siblings/girlfriends/boyfriends. It's just a fact of life at this point.

 

[Tenth]

On that day...

I would teach him what pain was. Teach him what he had done to me countless times.

I had followed the lessons of my mother for two years. I had been the better person. I had not responded to his juvenile taunts and threats. I had ignored him. I had not allowed myself to be goaded into a fight when he hit me, when he kicked me, when he threw things at me. I had turned the other cheek. At thirteen years of age I had been the better man. Violence never solves anything, right? I had followed the lessons of my mother, and all they had brought me was pain.

I would teach him how he had made me and others feel. Weak, powerless, and afraid.

I had followed the lessons of my father. That no matter how big or strong you were there was someone bigger and stronger than you. At thirteen I was already almost six feet tall. I looked most of the adults on campus in the eye and towered over most the other students. I was tall and strong, and all of that meant nothing. Their were others bigger, stronger, more capable. My father had taught me that a thousand times. I had followed the lessons of my father and all they had brought me was pain.

I would teach him that I was not a coward.

I would teach him that I did not fight because I hated violence.

I would teach him that I hated violence because I knew that I could be so very, very good at it.

The ritual started with an insult, a shove. A ritual between us for nearly two years. Two year he had taught me what it was to be miserable. Today I was teaching. I was on him in a moment. I was anger. I was rage. I threw the punches I had learned. Fists curled just right so that I would not break my own thumbs and my knuckles would act as battering rams. They smashed into the gate of his teeth and the windows of his eyes. Before those windows dulled, stunned from the impact, I saw fear. I saw shock. They had grown wide. He was learning. Only latter would I know that he had swung back. And only then because of my own eye blackening, and the salty taste for blood from when his fist drove my cheek into my teeth.

He reeled on his feet. I kept swinging. My fist made hard wet sounds as the connected with his face, his chest, his crotch. He fell and I fell on top of him. Still swinging. Sometimes a father teaches his son more than he realizes. There was blood now. His lip had split, and there was a bloody impression on my knuckles that bore strong resemblance to a tooth. My fingers curled like talons around his neck. They tightened, and then began to shake him. Slamming his head against the orange locker door he had fallen against. I became dimly aware a voice. "Motherfucker!" it said, each time punctuated by the sharp report of his head against the locker door. The third time I realized it was my own voice, harsh and ragged, screaming at the top of my lungs.

And I stopped.

I stood up slowly. I looked at him. Blood staining the front of his shirt, slumped against the row of lockers like a broken toy. After a few seconds, or perhaps minutes, with that much adrenaline in your blood time gets weird, he stood. He swayed uneasily on his feet, regarding me from a face that was already swelling. His eyes burned like embers. He had learned the lessons of his father as well, and I had taught him nothing he already didn't know. There is always someone bigger and stronger than you. In that moment my rage disintegrated. I suddenly felt sorry for this devil who had made me so miserable. This devil was driven by his own daemons, and I knew them well.

From that day on he avoided me. The school gave me, one of the kids in advanced placement classes, a slap on the wrist. They suspended him, a known bully, for a week. My parents were proud that I had stood up for myself. I was disturbed how easy it had been to make someone fear. How easy it had been to hurt them. I cast aside the lessons of my mother and father and chose to live by what seemed right to me.

I had decided to teach him what pain was, but I had taught me far more about myself that I could have ever taught him.

-Tenth

I still follow my own path.

 

[Tenth]

Today I bought the tackiest thing I have ever seen. It's a 3 foot tall fake x-mas tree with fiber optics running up through the body. It's bright, tacky, and I love it. It's my x-mas tree for the apartment this year (Last year there was nothing).

I also finally acquired my guitar again this week, and have been practicing. I had not touched it in about 16 years. After struggling to get it into something resembling a tuned condition I can now play a few chords and notes, but nothing resembling music yet.

-Tenth

Still in a good mood.

 

[Tenth]

Strangle hold

Work went good today. Not just because of how the work it's self went, but because of things that happened. With out going into specifics they are moving me back into what I was hired to do, and no longer will have any contact with the general public. YEAH! :jump: I generally loath using smilies, but in this case it is warranted. This made not just my day, week, or month, but possibly my year. I cannot express how pleased I am at this development. Last year at this time there were three major sources of unhappiness and stress in my life. They were:

1) Work - I was doing things I wasn't hired or trained to do. I was under so much stress I was getting about a migraine a week. My first thought most mornings was "I fucking hate my life." Things have gotten a little better over the year, but this new news really makes me happy and eliminates work as a major source of stress and unhappiness (It will still cause some, but then it is WORK, not FUN)

2) No Social Life - Sure I saw people around, but my friends were sparse and not centrally located. A majority of them still live over the hill in San Jose, but I know many more people now. Part of it was self inflicted. People would invite me to things and I simple would not go because it seemed like more work than it was work. Fortunately I realized this and started forcing myself to get out. Guess what, I had fun. I know more people now, I am always doing something on the weekends, and am much more social than I was. We are, after all, social creatures

3) Zero love life - Zero, nada, zilch. Nothing. I don't think I even knew any women well enough to develop a crush. I've got some prospect now in this area. The magic 8 ball would say "Outlook Good" Even if those don't work out, just getting out there is an immense help. I was out of the loop so long that the idea of dating was almost as frightening as being alone. The tide has turned on that one, and I've had more fun dating in the past month than in the past years.

I think I just needed to relax with some of this stuff and not take everything so seriously. Just have fun. What ever haze it was that has been over my eyes for the past two years seems to be lifting, and I love the view.

-Tenth

Unusually(?) up beat.

 

[Tenth]

Have I mentioned that I hate phones... or specificly how I hate leaving messages on people's voice mail. I hate waiting for someone to call me back. ug. I hate phones.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

This is your life

"From where you are now you can't even imagine what the bottom will be like." Tyler Durden, Fight Club

I'm having a rough day.

I'm not as far down as I have been, but I think I can see that place from here. The irrationality of the thought possesses that bring me here bother me. It bothers me more that I recognize the irrationality of them. It's one part paranoia, one part insecurity, and one part that certain something that makes me take that extra step from not happy to depressed. I'm trying to keep my mind busy, I know if I can do that, than the other stuff won't bother me as much. Bah. It's this vicious circle. One negative thought leads to another, than another, and then all I can think of is every time I've ever fucked up, felt foolish or ashamed, or things have gone poorly for me. I obsess on words I’ve said and cringe over and over as stupid things I've said replay over and over. A vicious cycle. If I do it enough I get down. Real down. Down far enough I can't even remember what it felt like to have a positive thought. I don't want to go there again. I've spent to much time there. I've been doing so much better. I must not fail in this endeavor. I will sleep good tonight. It will not be plagued with all those what if daemons whispering in my ear.

Why do I do this? Why do I tear myself up over nothing? Why am I so hyper critical of myself? Why can I recognize the behavior and yet usually do nothing to stop it? Why was I so angry when I was younger? Why am I still angry? Why do I feel like I am missing something? Why do most other people not feel this? Why do I feel so apart from them? So detached? Like a visitor drifting close to their little worlds? Why do I have to be me all of the time?

-Tenth

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

 

[Tenth]

Welder's birthday was tonight. It turned out to be low key. Originally I had planned to crash on his couch and just get completely blitzed, but like I said, it was low key. Basically we all went to dinner, and sat there for a few hours and talked. It was rather nice, but I know Welder was hoping for something a little more wild. I was a little disappointed because Smile was supposed to be there, but she called The Giant at the restaurant and said she wouldn't be able to make it. When I got home there was a message on my machine from her. I'll call her tomorrow. I think Welder was a little disappointed because his... Love interest? Boyfriend? Friend with benefits? (I'm really fuzzy on exactly what their relation ship is, beyond that Welder is much happier when the guy is around, which is good, because Welder was not a happy guy for a long time) Had to work overtime and could not make it either. But we did all have fun. About half the people there I didn't know, so lots of introductions, and if I can remember even half of their names I'll be amazed. Now I'm off to sleep.

Oh, those of you who PMed me yesterday, thank you.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

It's... going

I'm tired, have to work over time this week (Well, contractually I don't have to, but I was "Highly Encouraged" and it's a favor for one of the project manager who used to be one of the engineers in my group), Smile has gone AWOL (After her message Thursday, her cell phone has been off and she hasn't returned either of the two calls I made), and the full moon had made all of my friends go totally nuts and act really strange. With the OT I have two hours of free time a day... well after cooking and showering, it leaves me about 40 minutes. Bah... So I worked on a story of mine tonight.. .and because of my generally tired/stressed/mildly distracted state I closed it without saving.. .4 pages or so of writing. Hell. I need sleep... sex would be nice to.

-Tenth

I guess I'll have to settle for sleep.

 

[Tenth]

Why do I agree to work overtime? Every time I do I am miserable. Traffic was a nightmare. A few drops of rain on 17 and everyone turns into idiots. I'm tired, mildly depressed, mildly hostile, and fairly frustrated. Bah!

OK, enough whining.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

Tick Tok! Tick Tok!

I think I'm juggling to much in life... Many things can fall in or out of place right now. I'll do my best, keep my fingers crossed and try for in... and try to get some sleep tonight for a change.

-Tenth

Last night wasn't my fault, the neighbors son is sick.

 

[Tenth]

Talked to Smile tonight... very briefly. I'm not quite sure what to make of her right now. She'd been unavailable for the past week and a half of so. Either her phone was off or no answer. She never returned my calls (And no, I didn't do anything psycho like call every half hour or anything like that. There were a grand total of three calls, Four counting on yesterday). At this point I pretty much figured she was ignoring me so I called tonight with the intent of leaving a sort of "The ball is in your court, give me a call sometime if you want to get together." type message. When I called she answered. She seemed happy to see me and quickly apologized for not calling. Finals she said (22... still a student). She then asked is I wanted to get together next week (Why not this weekend I asked... "This weekend is bad".. umm ok) Week days are exceedingly bad for me. I have to get up at 5:30 to make it to work on time... which means I need to go to bed early. I may have even said sure, but I'll admit I was feeling slightly hurt and hostile. So she said she didn't know if she was available next weekend, but that she would call me next week. "Promise?" I promise. I don't know... She's a very attractive girl (Mentally as well as physically) and when we've been in the same physical location things have gone well, but talking to her on the phone she always seems... distracted. So, maybe I'm being negative, but on her I think I've given up on the idea of anything happening. Which is to bad, and a little bit of a downer, because it seemed like things were going so well. Maybe it's the holidays, maybe I was reading something into it that wasn't there.... Of course the flip side is that I'm still going to try and see what happens. My head says nothing, but I feel like I need to try. Normally I would listen to my head, but this time perhaps not. I'll probably make a total fool out of myself. Of course it is entirely possible that I am just to tired from working all the overtime this week to think clearly. I’ll try to get together with her next weekend. It bothers me though, something about all this reminds me of Belle, and that if not a good thing.

-Tenth

Ladies, you are all insane. All of you. No exceptions. None.

 

[Tenth]

yeah! Sake!

OK, I no longer have any alcohol tolerance... that coupled with having not eaten for 9 hours before made it go to my head. A single box of sake gave me a rockin' buzz. Unfortunately my intent had been not to get drunk at all. The Sake showed up before the food and after half a box I could feel all the tension I normally carry in my shoulders melt. While it is incredibly pleasant to relax for a change (Give me a back rub and I'll fall in love with you... I'll also probably pass out and go to sleep) I had driven to the restaurant. Fortunately Nil didn't drink, so he drove me home (Which was convenient for him since his car was parked there). At some point during dinner The Giant brought up Smile. I gave the abbreviated version of events (For what ever reason, everywhere but here, I tend to be a very private person, and don't like disclosing to many details of my personal life). His response was something along the lines of, "Guys she doesn't like she doesn't answer the phone or call back. Ever." So yeah. Still no clue. Later we went and saw "Kill Bill" again. I dig that movie. So incredibly over the top. Watching it a second time I picked up on many things I missed the first time. This is going to be a fairly lazy weekend I think. I have no specific plans. I think I'll bum around the rainy downtown and later practice with the guitar for a while (Still can't play anything resembling music, but I am getting better at playing various chords and notes and switching between them).

-Tenth

1,2,3,4

 

[Tenth]

The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner
by Randall Jarrell

From my mother's sleep I fell into the State,
And I hunched in its belly till my wet fur froze.
Six miles from earth, loosed from its dream of life,
I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.
When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose.



I read this poem for the first time when I was 16. I was in honors English and our teacher wanted us to read some poem outside the course literature and talk to him about them. This was one of the ones I chose from the tome of poems we had been issued at the start of the year. Perhaps it was because it is short but I suspect it had more to do with my (at the time) fascination with all things WWII. It is a grim image. In my mind I can see the flak explosions in the darkness, and I know that the ball turret gunners died alone and afraid. The ball turret, the belly gun, was a glass and steel sphere with a pair of .50 cal machine guns mounted in it. It was a small place, and often these men were the smallest men on the planes they flew. They were isolated from the rest of the crew. The ball turret had to be able to turn 360 degrees, and cover any point in the 180 degrees below the air craft. Thus it was entirely enclosed off. These men could not, or did not wear parachutes. there was little space for a man in there, let alone a backpack. The glass offered little to no protection from the shrapnel of a flak explosion or the bullets of the enemy aircraft. The men inside this sphere were curled in a near fetal position. Unable to stand, or even stretch out for prolonged periods of time. God help you if you were trapped in there and the landing gear failed. To me this sounds like hell would be.

-Tenth

War is not kind.

 

[Tenth]

My fingers are raw. I practiced with the guitar to long. I don't yet have the calluses that playing brings. For several hours I practiced. I could almost sting a tune together. It's almost starting to sound like music.

Practicing gave me moments to think.

not always healthy.

But there it is.

No, not playing with my black dog tonight. Just thinking.

Sis and I had different experiences growing up. Both, I feel, were somewhat dysfunctional. While I wound up hanging out with the antisocial crowd, she hung out with no crowd. Buried in her school work. When she when to college it left me alone with my parents. I think I knew things weren't quite Norman Rockwell befor that, but by 14 it had pretty much crystallized. At school she developed an eating disorder (I won't go into specifics here, she and I have never talked about it). We noticed it in the family when she came home to visit. My parents tried to confront her, but she denied anything was wrong. Then, when visiting her, her roommate (A wonderful woman, the type of person who cares deeply for people and is always watching out for them) talked to me about it, and then to my mother. The roommate help Sis work through it. I don't know exactly what went on, but I think an intervention was organized. After that Sis's friends kept a close eye on her.

I hung around people who drank, did drugs, parties excessively, but never really did myself. I hung back on the edge. At times an outsider among outsiders. I know some of those guys are in jail now. One no one knows what happened to, but common consensus is that he's either dead or hiding somewhere. And me? I went on to college, got a "Good Job" (tm), and made more friends who were as screwed up as I was. I fell in love with a girl who was more screwed up, and probably doesn't realize that, or how she hurt me over the years. I'm still screwed up, but at least I am aware of it. I can see now some of the behavioral patterns that cause me trouble. Even if I haven't figured out how to stop myself yet. At least I know the tendencies are there. I managed to avoid substance abuse (mostly because I don't like feeling "altered") and any STD (due mainly to caution and a low number of partners). I live comfortably, but am not comfortable.

It was a month or two ago when sis came by and wanted to talk. Talk about our family and the problems in it. She seemed to think I had no clue. I am, after all, her little brother right? But like the fact that there was no Santa Claus, I knew were had problems long before she did. She told my, very seriously that in the past three years she has looked back on our family disfunctionality and tried to understand, find the roots of, and cope with it. After her 30th birthday she started. I told her I already knew. I told her that people don't develop eating disorders or anti social tendencies for no reason. There are causes for these things. I told her things about my life she did not know. Trying pot in college, drinking in high school, Belle and our dysfunctional relationship, and how things changed when she left. I think it helped her to know that I was sorting things out. I didn't tell her about my depression, and a few other things I won't talk about here, and only have ever told one person. It helped her to cope, but for me.... I don't know. I'm still trying.

But playing guitar gave me time to think. But it gives me something to focus on to quiet my mind as well.

-Tenth

I will not let these weights pull me down.