Well
I was so stressed out this week I made myself sick a few times. It's funny, people who read this called me to see if I was OK. I pretty much lied. I'm coping. I'm a little stressed. I'll be OK. I was/am a mess. I craved strange food, things like Burger King, and KFC. I never eat fast food. I had Friday off. I had plans, but I cancelled them all and rode up to my grandparents place It's about an hour to my parents, and then another 3-4 to my grandparents. I drove down Thursday night so we could get going early Friday morning. My mom is taking it kind of hard. It is her dad after all. She nearly burst into tears at the table when we went to eat dinner. I hugged her and said we should change the subject, so we talked about movies. I slept maybe an hour. I drove on the way up. Dad, despite his insistence otherwise, was tired. He needed to rest. When we got there my grandparents nurse opened the door. She's a good woman. She's become very close to my grandparents and is taking as hard as the rest of the family I think. She was tired. She's there 24 hours a day for 4 days every week. Granddad looked about like he always does, except... It's hard to say, but he just seemed a lot weaker. They have both aged a lot since I saw them six or so months ago. What struck me was the color of their skin, or rather the lack therefore of. They were so pale. I hugged them both, but was afraid to hug any tighter than the lighted touch. After that things got hard. Granddad's mind is still sharp as a tack, but he has no strength. He cannot stand any more. He can barely hold anything in his hands. His eyes are bad, and all he can really see are silhouettes. His hearing is gone. He cannot hear sound from the higher end of the spectrum. Which means he cannot hear anything my grandmother says. It's so bad he cannot make anything out if there is any sort of background noise. If there is another conversation going on he gets angry because he can't hear everything. He thinks we're talking about him. And we're not. But he thinks we are and yells. Grandmother on the other hand cannot hear lower voices. She can't get around so good. She had to use a walker to move, but she can stand. She's also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She can remember in vivid detail incidents from 25 years ago, but she'll forget what she is saying mid sentence. She, for sure, does not understand how serious Granddad's condition is. His condition (Or what is going to kill him) is an aneurysm. It’s grown from 2 CM in size to nearly 10, but they aren't sure. They aren't sure because the radioactive dye they use to test that sort of thing would shut down his kidneys and kill him. They cannot tell the exact size, or whether it is leaking (Which, if it were, would mean days rather than months left in his life). His two heart attacks and general poor health makes it pretty much impossible to operate and repair the damage. So though he looks pretty much the same as he did a few weeks ago, he is not. Grandma does not understand this. Whether it is denial or Alzheimer’s we don't know. So when we get there my dad takes the nurse to go buy groceries, pick up the prescriptions, and find a wheel chair for my granddad. This is my fathers usual mode. He can't deal so he disappears. MY mother and I spent the time amusing my grandparents and trying to keep them from moving. As soon as the nurse was gone they both felt the need to get up. I told them to tell me what they needed, and I would go get it, but there was some reason why they needed to get up. Grandmother, it wasn't so much an issue. She's still somewhat mobile. Still, her balance is bad, and I've herd a number of stories about her falling. It wasn't that long ago she fell, hit her face on a nightstand, and broke her nose. Granddad was a whole other operation. He would not listen to us. We tried to get him to wait until the nurse came back, but he would not. So we tried to make sure he didn't hurt himself. I cannot explain to you how hard it was to try to help him stand until he was to tired and gave up. It's not the physical. I'm a physically strong man. I could have hefted his wizened from under one arm and hauled him into any room in the house. It was just an enormous emotion drain. I cannot put the words down in a way that you would understand unless you've been there. When my dad and the nurse got back I went to use the restroom. I sat on the edge of the tub just collecting myself for several minutes before heading back out. I wore the mask that everything is fine with me. No wheelchair was to be found. So my dad starts calling around. The nurse helps out my grandparents in their various request. My mother and I entertain them with stories. Simple stories. Since every sentence had to be repeated 3-4 times at volume. A wheelchair is located so my dad and the nurse head out again. My grandfather becomes very insistent that I find several tools out in the shed. he wants to give them to me. I know they aren't there. He gave all his tools to my uncle a while back. But I don't tell him that. If I bring it up he'll curse my uncle for "Stealing the damn tools." So I go look. I end up out in the tool shed three times looking for them. I never find them, but despite the 100 degree plus temperatures in the shed it's easier to be in there than inside. I know if I look long enough it will satisfy my grandfather, and if I don't he won't be able to let go and will want to go out there to look himself, which he CANNOT do. When my father and the nurse return. things deteriorate some. Grandfather becomes increasingly belligerent, and Grandmother becomes increasingly confused. IT tears at me to see. It's like a real physical wound. A psychic wound. We spend several more hours there. And then we head out to drive home. I feel horrible because I'm GLAD that we aren't staying. But I know I cannot take it.
Sis is coming out to see them next weekend. So Mom and Dad are going up again. Before I was up there I told Sis I'd go to, but I can't. I told Sis that in near tears today, and she was very understanding. I told her to brace herself, because it's different than it has been before. I got home close to midnight last night. I slept 10 hours. I still feel burnt. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life.
-Tenth
"Thank god you were there Tenth," Mom said, "It put them in better spirits than I've seen them in a long time. The nurse said this is the best day for them she can remember recent." Jesus, I cannot imagine the worst.
I was so stressed out this week I made myself sick a few times. It's funny, people who read this called me to see if I was OK. I pretty much lied. I'm coping. I'm a little stressed. I'll be OK. I was/am a mess. I craved strange food, things like Burger King, and KFC. I never eat fast food. I had Friday off. I had plans, but I cancelled them all and rode up to my grandparents place It's about an hour to my parents, and then another 3-4 to my grandparents. I drove down Thursday night so we could get going early Friday morning. My mom is taking it kind of hard. It is her dad after all. She nearly burst into tears at the table when we went to eat dinner. I hugged her and said we should change the subject, so we talked about movies. I slept maybe an hour. I drove on the way up. Dad, despite his insistence otherwise, was tired. He needed to rest. When we got there my grandparents nurse opened the door. She's a good woman. She's become very close to my grandparents and is taking as hard as the rest of the family I think. She was tired. She's there 24 hours a day for 4 days every week. Granddad looked about like he always does, except... It's hard to say, but he just seemed a lot weaker. They have both aged a lot since I saw them six or so months ago. What struck me was the color of their skin, or rather the lack therefore of. They were so pale. I hugged them both, but was afraid to hug any tighter than the lighted touch. After that things got hard. Granddad's mind is still sharp as a tack, but he has no strength. He cannot stand any more. He can barely hold anything in his hands. His eyes are bad, and all he can really see are silhouettes. His hearing is gone. He cannot hear sound from the higher end of the spectrum. Which means he cannot hear anything my grandmother says. It's so bad he cannot make anything out if there is any sort of background noise. If there is another conversation going on he gets angry because he can't hear everything. He thinks we're talking about him. And we're not. But he thinks we are and yells. Grandmother on the other hand cannot hear lower voices. She can't get around so good. She had to use a walker to move, but she can stand. She's also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She can remember in vivid detail incidents from 25 years ago, but she'll forget what she is saying mid sentence. She, for sure, does not understand how serious Granddad's condition is. His condition (Or what is going to kill him) is an aneurysm. It’s grown from 2 CM in size to nearly 10, but they aren't sure. They aren't sure because the radioactive dye they use to test that sort of thing would shut down his kidneys and kill him. They cannot tell the exact size, or whether it is leaking (Which, if it were, would mean days rather than months left in his life). His two heart attacks and general poor health makes it pretty much impossible to operate and repair the damage. So though he looks pretty much the same as he did a few weeks ago, he is not. Grandma does not understand this. Whether it is denial or Alzheimer’s we don't know. So when we get there my dad takes the nurse to go buy groceries, pick up the prescriptions, and find a wheel chair for my granddad. This is my fathers usual mode. He can't deal so he disappears. MY mother and I spent the time amusing my grandparents and trying to keep them from moving. As soon as the nurse was gone they both felt the need to get up. I told them to tell me what they needed, and I would go get it, but there was some reason why they needed to get up. Grandmother, it wasn't so much an issue. She's still somewhat mobile. Still, her balance is bad, and I've herd a number of stories about her falling. It wasn't that long ago she fell, hit her face on a nightstand, and broke her nose. Granddad was a whole other operation. He would not listen to us. We tried to get him to wait until the nurse came back, but he would not. So we tried to make sure he didn't hurt himself. I cannot explain to you how hard it was to try to help him stand until he was to tired and gave up. It's not the physical. I'm a physically strong man. I could have hefted his wizened from under one arm and hauled him into any room in the house. It was just an enormous emotion drain. I cannot put the words down in a way that you would understand unless you've been there. When my dad and the nurse got back I went to use the restroom. I sat on the edge of the tub just collecting myself for several minutes before heading back out. I wore the mask that everything is fine with me. No wheelchair was to be found. So my dad starts calling around. The nurse helps out my grandparents in their various request. My mother and I entertain them with stories. Simple stories. Since every sentence had to be repeated 3-4 times at volume. A wheelchair is located so my dad and the nurse head out again. My grandfather becomes very insistent that I find several tools out in the shed. he wants to give them to me. I know they aren't there. He gave all his tools to my uncle a while back. But I don't tell him that. If I bring it up he'll curse my uncle for "Stealing the damn tools." So I go look. I end up out in the tool shed three times looking for them. I never find them, but despite the 100 degree plus temperatures in the shed it's easier to be in there than inside. I know if I look long enough it will satisfy my grandfather, and if I don't he won't be able to let go and will want to go out there to look himself, which he CANNOT do. When my father and the nurse return. things deteriorate some. Grandfather becomes increasingly belligerent, and Grandmother becomes increasingly confused. IT tears at me to see. It's like a real physical wound. A psychic wound. We spend several more hours there. And then we head out to drive home. I feel horrible because I'm GLAD that we aren't staying. But I know I cannot take it.
Sis is coming out to see them next weekend. So Mom and Dad are going up again. Before I was up there I told Sis I'd go to, but I can't. I told Sis that in near tears today, and she was very understanding. I told her to brace herself, because it's different than it has been before. I got home close to midnight last night. I slept 10 hours. I still feel burnt. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life.
-Tenth
"Thank god you were there Tenth," Mom said, "It put them in better spirits than I've seen them in a long time. The nurse said this is the best day for them she can remember recent." Jesus, I cannot imagine the worst.