Why did you stop writing?
- Thread starter Tenth
- Start date
24 lines about...
I had a bad day today. It started off poorly. Like a montage from a bad comedy. I think I was at work for an hour before things normalized. In the afternoon I had a confrontation with a co-worker. He's not in my group. He doesn't do the same thing I do, and he's not good at what he does do (Not to say he's bad, but he's not the best by far). It amounted to him telling me that I didn't know my job, and me telling him he sure as hell didn't. I don't like when people who are not familiar with how something work decide they are an expert, and then tell and expert what to do. I don't particularly like confrontation, so I tend to react strongly. I was in the grocery store when a friend called. She's got some things going on. I want to help, but can't. I just bite down much of what I want to say, because anything I might say will not help her situation.
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
Valerie Loves Me - Material Issue
Anything Anything - Dramarama
Only In Dreams - Weezer
Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
She's Got Issues - The Offspring
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Stay - Oingo Boingo
Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced - Dropkick Murphys
Maybe - The Inkspots
Green Eyes - Cold Play
-Tenth
Do you know what I mean?
I had a bad day today. It started off poorly. Like a montage from a bad comedy. I think I was at work for an hour before things normalized. In the afternoon I had a confrontation with a co-worker. He's not in my group. He doesn't do the same thing I do, and he's not good at what he does do (Not to say he's bad, but he's not the best by far). It amounted to him telling me that I didn't know my job, and me telling him he sure as hell didn't. I don't like when people who are not familiar with how something work decide they are an expert, and then tell and expert what to do. I don't particularly like confrontation, so I tend to react strongly. I was in the grocery store when a friend called. She's got some things going on. I want to help, but can't. I just bite down much of what I want to say, because anything I might say will not help her situation.
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
Valerie Loves Me - Material Issue
Anything Anything - Dramarama
Only In Dreams - Weezer
Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
She's Got Issues - The Offspring
Ordinary World - Duran Duran
Stay - Oingo Boingo
Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced - Dropkick Murphys
Maybe - The Inkspots
Green Eyes - Cold Play
-Tenth
Do you know what I mean?
Last Dinosaur
Last night was fun. I decided I needed to get out of the house, so I spruced myself up (close shave, shower, good clothes, just a tiny bit of cologne) and headed out. I was unable to get anyone to accompany me so I struck out alone. I went to the pub with the waitress I find very attractive (I can't explain that one either. She just has that certain something), not for any other reason than eye candy is always good. I went to the bar, ordered a beer and relaxed. The bartender and myself were just about the only people there. There were a couple of college guys trying to chat up the waitresses at the other end of the bar, so I chatted with the bartender a little. Other than finding out her parents were Irish and that she has a good laugh not much was going on there so I drifted up to my other favorite pub. I go to the bar and order a beer. I briefly consider ordering something to eat. I’d not had anything for at least 7 hours, and my stomach was empty. That and the fact that I have basically no alcohol tolerance made me think it might be a good idea. I begin to survey the crowd. It is entirely composed of sort of weird creepy men in their late 40’s to early 50's. I look around. The people at the booths and tables seem normal enough, but the bar is a different story. I decide that this is not my scene at all, pound the beer in less than 3 minutes, and out with the original intent of finding this little dive of a bar I'd been to once, many years ago before I lived in the area. By the end of the block I'm buzzing good. So I decide that I must eat. I make my way to a pizza place, order up a couple slices and proceed to much. The place is small, and right after I sit down, lots of people start coming in. I look up and notice two of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen standing next to my booth looking for a place to sit. I was definitely buzzing enough to take the chance. I say "Hi, how's it going?" The one closest to me looks down at me with what I call "the look." It's that look when someone thinks your hitting on them (whether you actually are or not) and is just so not into it. Seeing that I figure I've got no chance of anything so I say, "I'm not picking up on you, just letting you know that you and your friend are the hottest women I have seen downtown tonight." "Umm... Thanks?" she replied. And then they walked away. I went back to eating my pizza, quite amused. After that I just sort of milled about. I noticed lots of teen-something punk rock types drifting in packs. Far more than usual. It was like a reenactment of "The Lost Boys." Eventually I hear that a punk banc is playing at the civic auditorium. After some wandering and some mild happy drunk dialing, I headed home. It was such a great night. I was able to just leave my stresses behind and just enjoy myself.
-Tenth
and then some.
Last night was fun. I decided I needed to get out of the house, so I spruced myself up (close shave, shower, good clothes, just a tiny bit of cologne) and headed out. I was unable to get anyone to accompany me so I struck out alone. I went to the pub with the waitress I find very attractive (I can't explain that one either. She just has that certain something), not for any other reason than eye candy is always good. I went to the bar, ordered a beer and relaxed. The bartender and myself were just about the only people there. There were a couple of college guys trying to chat up the waitresses at the other end of the bar, so I chatted with the bartender a little. Other than finding out her parents were Irish and that she has a good laugh not much was going on there so I drifted up to my other favorite pub. I go to the bar and order a beer. I briefly consider ordering something to eat. I’d not had anything for at least 7 hours, and my stomach was empty. That and the fact that I have basically no alcohol tolerance made me think it might be a good idea. I begin to survey the crowd. It is entirely composed of sort of weird creepy men in their late 40’s to early 50's. I look around. The people at the booths and tables seem normal enough, but the bar is a different story. I decide that this is not my scene at all, pound the beer in less than 3 minutes, and out with the original intent of finding this little dive of a bar I'd been to once, many years ago before I lived in the area. By the end of the block I'm buzzing good. So I decide that I must eat. I make my way to a pizza place, order up a couple slices and proceed to much. The place is small, and right after I sit down, lots of people start coming in. I look up and notice two of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen standing next to my booth looking for a place to sit. I was definitely buzzing enough to take the chance. I say "Hi, how's it going?" The one closest to me looks down at me with what I call "the look." It's that look when someone thinks your hitting on them (whether you actually are or not) and is just so not into it. Seeing that I figure I've got no chance of anything so I say, "I'm not picking up on you, just letting you know that you and your friend are the hottest women I have seen downtown tonight." "Umm... Thanks?" she replied. And then they walked away. I went back to eating my pizza, quite amused. After that I just sort of milled about. I noticed lots of teen-something punk rock types drifting in packs. Far more than usual. It was like a reenactment of "The Lost Boys." Eventually I hear that a punk banc is playing at the civic auditorium. After some wandering and some mild happy drunk dialing, I headed home. It was such a great night. I was able to just leave my stresses behind and just enjoy myself.
-Tenth
and then some.
Wish you were here
Tonight was going well in a geeky sort of way. A few beers. I was out of the house. We were playing board games. Then it happened. Two grown (Physically, apparently not emotionally) men almost came to blows over a board game. The details are unimportant. Suddenly I realize tensions are running high. Not sure what to do I look at the two of them and say, "You two need to chill the fuck out. We're all her to have fun. It's just a fucking board game." I go back to my conversation with the other person there. we talk for a few minutes more when I hear, "That a lot of strong talk coming from such a weak man!" "Why don't you come over here and find out?" "You come here and I'll fucking show you!" I hear a chair slide out I turn around and say in a voice that suddenly resembles my father's, "Both of you CHILL THE FUCK OUT! If it comes to blows I'm going to hurt both of you." They both look at me for a moment. I swear they were sizing me up. I think neither wanted to take the chance. "It's a damn board game!" I say. Later they both apologized to me, each laying the blame squarely on the other. I'd had enough. I left. Sometime the people I call my friends prove to me why I hesitate to use those words.
-Tenth
I wish you were here. All of you. For many reasons.
Tonight was going well in a geeky sort of way. A few beers. I was out of the house. We were playing board games. Then it happened. Two grown (Physically, apparently not emotionally) men almost came to blows over a board game. The details are unimportant. Suddenly I realize tensions are running high. Not sure what to do I look at the two of them and say, "You two need to chill the fuck out. We're all her to have fun. It's just a fucking board game." I go back to my conversation with the other person there. we talk for a few minutes more when I hear, "That a lot of strong talk coming from such a weak man!" "Why don't you come over here and find out?" "You come here and I'll fucking show you!" I hear a chair slide out I turn around and say in a voice that suddenly resembles my father's, "Both of you CHILL THE FUCK OUT! If it comes to blows I'm going to hurt both of you." They both look at me for a moment. I swear they were sizing me up. I think neither wanted to take the chance. "It's a damn board game!" I say. Later they both apologized to me, each laying the blame squarely on the other. I'd had enough. I left. Sometime the people I call my friends prove to me why I hesitate to use those words.
-Tenth
I wish you were here. All of you. For many reasons.
Don't Fear The Reaper
Once again I take my life into my own hands.
I went for a road ride today. My route started with a good climb, followed by a steep drop into a canyon, a cruise along the stream for a while, and then climb out of the canyon and back home. Everything was going according to plan. I was in the middle of my descent when it happened. The road turned left following the contour of the hillside. It's wide enough for two cars at that point, so I always take the outside line so if a car is coming I won't hit it. This road is up through the redwoods, and the scenery is amazing. The trees also cast patchy shadows. I if didn't know the road so well I would go slower. The shadows make potholes and rocks had to see. As I commit to my line on the turn, I estimate my speed was over 30 MPH. No joke. No fish story. The pavement was smooth and new, and gravity will pull you up to a good clip is your not careful. The I see something in the patch of shadows in the turn. Before my brain can process the data I’ve got all my weight off the saddle to absorb the hit with my legs. Then it possesses. It's a deer. Right in my line. MY first instinct was to cut wide and go around on the outside, but that's the direction the deer was facing. A momentary image of the panicked deer leaping into me flashed in my head, so I grabbed my brakes and tried to drop enough speed to cut the turn tighter and go behind the deer. I lean hard, squeeze the brakes, and then things get worse. Not a car. Though at that point it would have been a catastrophe. You see, there is only so much frictional capacity in tire. This capacity is what lets the tires turn you, speed you up, and slow you down. When you apply two of these forces (Say, turning and acceleration in your car going around a corner) the force can over come the friction, and that's why you skid, squeal your tires, etc. In my case both wheels locked up and I began to skid. By reflexes born of a childhood of bike stupidity, I unclipped my left foot from the pedal and stuck it out. The metal cleat that clips in made a Tak! Skeeeeeee! sound when it hit. I let up on the brakes. I feared that with the absence of braking the tires might grab and high side me, rendering me air born. This was a genuine concern. When the tires grabbed it jerked the bike out of the hard lean I had put it in. I suspect if I had not put a foot out and adjusted my center of mass I would have gone over. In that instance I passed behind the deer. It indeed panicked, and leapt off the road. I swear I almost could have touched it is I had stuck out an elbow. I stabilized the bike, and then pulled off the road onto a driveway entrance. I got off, checked the wheels for damage, and then had to sit down. The adrenalin hit so hard I could not stand. I sat there for ten minutes before getting back on the bike. When I got going again I was nervous. Much like getting on a horse again after a fall, I made myself ride as fast as I normally would. I thought a lot about what would have happened had I lost control. I thought about everything that is important to me, and everything I always wanted to do or say, but never had the courage. Perhaps I still won't but I'm going to try.
-Tenth
All of it in less than a second.
Once again I take my life into my own hands.
I went for a road ride today. My route started with a good climb, followed by a steep drop into a canyon, a cruise along the stream for a while, and then climb out of the canyon and back home. Everything was going according to plan. I was in the middle of my descent when it happened. The road turned left following the contour of the hillside. It's wide enough for two cars at that point, so I always take the outside line so if a car is coming I won't hit it. This road is up through the redwoods, and the scenery is amazing. The trees also cast patchy shadows. I if didn't know the road so well I would go slower. The shadows make potholes and rocks had to see. As I commit to my line on the turn, I estimate my speed was over 30 MPH. No joke. No fish story. The pavement was smooth and new, and gravity will pull you up to a good clip is your not careful. The I see something in the patch of shadows in the turn. Before my brain can process the data I’ve got all my weight off the saddle to absorb the hit with my legs. Then it possesses. It's a deer. Right in my line. MY first instinct was to cut wide and go around on the outside, but that's the direction the deer was facing. A momentary image of the panicked deer leaping into me flashed in my head, so I grabbed my brakes and tried to drop enough speed to cut the turn tighter and go behind the deer. I lean hard, squeeze the brakes, and then things get worse. Not a car. Though at that point it would have been a catastrophe. You see, there is only so much frictional capacity in tire. This capacity is what lets the tires turn you, speed you up, and slow you down. When you apply two of these forces (Say, turning and acceleration in your car going around a corner) the force can over come the friction, and that's why you skid, squeal your tires, etc. In my case both wheels locked up and I began to skid. By reflexes born of a childhood of bike stupidity, I unclipped my left foot from the pedal and stuck it out. The metal cleat that clips in made a Tak! Skeeeeeee! sound when it hit. I let up on the brakes. I feared that with the absence of braking the tires might grab and high side me, rendering me air born. This was a genuine concern. When the tires grabbed it jerked the bike out of the hard lean I had put it in. I suspect if I had not put a foot out and adjusted my center of mass I would have gone over. In that instance I passed behind the deer. It indeed panicked, and leapt off the road. I swear I almost could have touched it is I had stuck out an elbow. I stabilized the bike, and then pulled off the road onto a driveway entrance. I got off, checked the wheels for damage, and then had to sit down. The adrenalin hit so hard I could not stand. I sat there for ten minutes before getting back on the bike. When I got going again I was nervous. Much like getting on a horse again after a fall, I made myself ride as fast as I normally would. I thought a lot about what would have happened had I lost control. I thought about everything that is important to me, and everything I always wanted to do or say, but never had the courage. Perhaps I still won't but I'm going to try.
-Tenth
All of it in less than a second.
Last edited:
Creep
Red and I were talking about ABG at lunch today. Specifically his tendency to flirt with any Asian woman within 100 yards. ABG is a dog alright. She mentioned that SixWolf can be the same way (With women in general). I can't remember how it spawned the comment exactly, but I said, "I am better looking than ABG." She sat there with a funny little smile, "Ok, get it out of your system. Just remember my fragile male ego." I said. She shook her head, made no comment about it and the conversation went on. When we got back to the office Red sent me an email that simply read:
You are much cuter than ABG!
Was my ego big for the rest of the day. Oh yeah.
-Tenth
Ridin' the wave.
Red and I were talking about ABG at lunch today. Specifically his tendency to flirt with any Asian woman within 100 yards. ABG is a dog alright. She mentioned that SixWolf can be the same way (With women in general). I can't remember how it spawned the comment exactly, but I said, "I am better looking than ABG." She sat there with a funny little smile, "Ok, get it out of your system. Just remember my fragile male ego." I said. She shook her head, made no comment about it and the conversation went on. When we got back to the office Red sent me an email that simply read:
You are much cuter than ABG!
Was my ego big for the rest of the day. Oh yeah.
-Tenth
Ridin' the wave.
Pain is temporary
I hurt.
A lot. My back is killing me. On the lower left side something hurts. I'm not sure what. I suspect the crappy non ergo chair I have at work. I've been spending my whole day staring at computer screens. I get up from that chair infrequently. Perhaps the pain is a mirror of some of my inner turmoil. "I'm pretty messed up." I said to a friend tonight. I /FEEL/ messed up, and I'm haven't felt that way before, or at least not like this. Sort of a child’s toy, twisted and forgotten with the rest of the debris you pass on the freeway going to work. Regardless of all of that, the physical pain is taking precedent. I considered taking pain killers tonight, but the ones I have will keep me up, or put me to sleep so effectively as to make functioning at work tomorrow difficult.
I guess I just feel a little trapped right now. MY life feels pretty much like it's always been, and like it's never going to change. I'm alone. I hurt. I cannot rely on any one to help, but myself, and I can't seem to do it.
-Tenth
Who want's to live forever?
I hurt.
A lot. My back is killing me. On the lower left side something hurts. I'm not sure what. I suspect the crappy non ergo chair I have at work. I've been spending my whole day staring at computer screens. I get up from that chair infrequently. Perhaps the pain is a mirror of some of my inner turmoil. "I'm pretty messed up." I said to a friend tonight. I /FEEL/ messed up, and I'm haven't felt that way before, or at least not like this. Sort of a child’s toy, twisted and forgotten with the rest of the debris you pass on the freeway going to work. Regardless of all of that, the physical pain is taking precedent. I considered taking pain killers tonight, but the ones I have will keep me up, or put me to sleep so effectively as to make functioning at work tomorrow difficult.
I guess I just feel a little trapped right now. MY life feels pretty much like it's always been, and like it's never going to change. I'm alone. I hurt. I cannot rely on any one to help, but myself, and I can't seem to do it.
-Tenth
Who want's to live forever?
I Bleed
I hurt...
I just got back from a 20 mile mountain bike ride with Red. About 2000 ft. of elevation gain. It was brutal. I'd done it before, but my legs were tired from a ride the day before and that made it extra hard. I was sweating more than I thought humanly possible. Fortunately I had a good amount of water. What took us 1 hour and 40 minutes to climb took us 40 minutes to decent. My hands are sort from operating the brakes. I think I'm going to be a lazy bum for the rest of the day.
-Tenth
But I made it.
I hurt...
I just got back from a 20 mile mountain bike ride with Red. About 2000 ft. of elevation gain. It was brutal. I'd done it before, but my legs were tired from a ride the day before and that made it extra hard. I was sweating more than I thought humanly possible. Fortunately I had a good amount of water. What took us 1 hour and 40 minutes to climb took us 40 minutes to decent. My hands are sort from operating the brakes. I think I'm going to be a lazy bum for the rest of the day.
-Tenth
But I made it.
Twist of Fate
I've had a day.
I woke up late. I forgot to set my alarm last night. Only a few minutes, but enough to panic me and make me RUSH to get to work. When I arrived (On time...) I discovered the network was down. About all I could do was stare at the wall since most of out software is net based. Once the network went up my supervisor found me. Apparently he and I are in disagreement about when a new standard was supposed to be implemented. So jobs I did before the deadline, that he didn't get around to reviewing until after are now having to be revised, despite being done before the standard. So I did that. Then ABG decides today is a good day to give me shit about hanging out with Read and find why I'm not, "Fucking the shit out of her." I loath that man some days. Oh. When the network cam up I found an email from my mom in my work account from Sunday morning. My Grandmother apparently fell in the night Saturday night. She hit her head on the night stand and broke her nose. She's in her 80's. Their was talk of putting them both in assisted living which would make the miserable and I'm sure they would loose any will to live. I guess they are going to have a nurse come spend the day 7 days a week with them now. They had one 4 days already. At least they can still be at home. The thought of them having to leave their home and dog to be warehoused with a bunch of elderly waiting to die breaks my heart. I am a worrier. I am going to worry about this now. It's going to eat away at me and there is nothing I can do other than write them email and visit. You can't call. Neither of them can really hear the phone. I get gas on the way home. Unleaded Regular on one side of the street, $2.79. On the other side, Mid Grade, $2.71. They were out of Regular. This morning I was going to fill up, but I was late. It was $2.63. Fuck. I get home and find a message from Tasha. I guess The Dragon (Harvey’s wife) is having some health issues with he pregnancy. She is almost due, 1 more week I think, so they are inducing labor. By tomorrow night they will be parents. First ones of "The Group" to reproduce. I'm happy for them. I hope they understand what raising a child means. I wish them the best.
Yesterday I saw ego for the first time in 4-5 months. He's engaged now. He had always been a pretty boy when we were younger. He's let himself go. He's put on a lot of weight. His hair, something very important to him as long as I've known him, is just a simple buzz cut. He told me they are getting married early next year and planning on having their first child by Christmas. It seems like he's got the whole set, so he's just stopped caring. He kept trying to sort of rub it in that he's getting married and I'm single. I just shrug, said, "Congrats man." Each to their own. If I ever get married, it will not be the end of my life. I intend to live, not just exist, until I draw my last breath.
-Tenth
I'm in a weird place right now.
I've had a day.
I woke up late. I forgot to set my alarm last night. Only a few minutes, but enough to panic me and make me RUSH to get to work. When I arrived (On time...) I discovered the network was down. About all I could do was stare at the wall since most of out software is net based. Once the network went up my supervisor found me. Apparently he and I are in disagreement about when a new standard was supposed to be implemented. So jobs I did before the deadline, that he didn't get around to reviewing until after are now having to be revised, despite being done before the standard. So I did that. Then ABG decides today is a good day to give me shit about hanging out with Read and find why I'm not, "Fucking the shit out of her." I loath that man some days. Oh. When the network cam up I found an email from my mom in my work account from Sunday morning. My Grandmother apparently fell in the night Saturday night. She hit her head on the night stand and broke her nose. She's in her 80's. Their was talk of putting them both in assisted living which would make the miserable and I'm sure they would loose any will to live. I guess they are going to have a nurse come spend the day 7 days a week with them now. They had one 4 days already. At least they can still be at home. The thought of them having to leave their home and dog to be warehoused with a bunch of elderly waiting to die breaks my heart. I am a worrier. I am going to worry about this now. It's going to eat away at me and there is nothing I can do other than write them email and visit. You can't call. Neither of them can really hear the phone. I get gas on the way home. Unleaded Regular on one side of the street, $2.79. On the other side, Mid Grade, $2.71. They were out of Regular. This morning I was going to fill up, but I was late. It was $2.63. Fuck. I get home and find a message from Tasha. I guess The Dragon (Harvey’s wife) is having some health issues with he pregnancy. She is almost due, 1 more week I think, so they are inducing labor. By tomorrow night they will be parents. First ones of "The Group" to reproduce. I'm happy for them. I hope they understand what raising a child means. I wish them the best.
Yesterday I saw ego for the first time in 4-5 months. He's engaged now. He had always been a pretty boy when we were younger. He's let himself go. He's put on a lot of weight. His hair, something very important to him as long as I've known him, is just a simple buzz cut. He told me they are getting married early next year and planning on having their first child by Christmas. It seems like he's got the whole set, so he's just stopped caring. He kept trying to sort of rub it in that he's getting married and I'm single. I just shrug, said, "Congrats man." Each to their own. If I ever get married, it will not be the end of my life. I intend to live, not just exist, until I draw my last breath.
-Tenth
I'm in a weird place right now.
Do you have an opinion? Well, Do ya?
This week was strange.
Harvey called me at work on Wednesday. The Dragon delivered a healthy 8 lbs. baby boy. I think he was still in shock. After giving me the details he, rather abruptly, said "I have to go. They are bring in the new furnace for the house now, and I need to keep and eye on things." and then we said goodbye. I hung up laughing. I am happy for him. I know he's always wanted kids. I'll be watching his fatherhood experience with a clinical eye. That experience is, after all, one it is extremely unlikely I will ever have. While that is a choice I am comfortable with, you're always curious how the people on the other side live.
Red hung out with me one night this week, and we watched movies. We popped popcorn, watched a fantastically brutal little horror film, and listened to a comedy album. We had a fantastic time. I remembered why I had had such a huge crush on her at one point. I must admit if she were to express interest in me I would be game and not even have to think about it.
Last night several coworkers and I were going to go see a movie. As the day progressed, the plan evolved into a pub THEN a movie. I liked this plan. Right about quitting time, the primary instigator of the whole thing decided that with his broken tailbone he could not sit in the theatre for that long and opted out. So myself and one other guy decide to go to the pub anyway. It is after all, about 3 minutes by car to the pub from my office. We get a nice seat out side. We eat, polish off a pitcher, and chat. He'd about 15 years older than me and is getting a divorce. I did not know that until last night. So we talk about that for a while. As he put it, "I'm pissed, I mean it wasn't my choice, but I realize that we both fucked up and could have done things to work it out. But we didn't." After a while he had to ask what was going on with Red and me. So I guess there are rumors. I told him he's going to be terribly disappointed as nothing is going on. He gave me a look that said he thought he knew better, but he said, "Oh, Alright then."
When I got home Belle called me. The conversation was a little awkward at first. We had not spoken in over 2 months. We don't have as much in common as we used to. The big things in her life are her dogs, anime, and video games. It seems so weird. Of course when we were together she used to practically beg me to play video games so she could watch. I guess it's not that surprising. When I was riding my bike in college, not nearly like I do now, but it was good exercise, she rode with me once. Once. After about 3 miles I looked back to say something and she was gone. I rode back and found her looking miserable on the side of the road. She had vomited in the bushes from the exertion. I rode home and got my car and came back to get her. She brought it up, laughing, when I related some of my riding experiences to her. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. I saw a glimmer of what drew me to her in the first place, but I'm glad I'm not in that place any more.
-Tenth
Make these walls your own.
This week was strange.
Harvey called me at work on Wednesday. The Dragon delivered a healthy 8 lbs. baby boy. I think he was still in shock. After giving me the details he, rather abruptly, said "I have to go. They are bring in the new furnace for the house now, and I need to keep and eye on things." and then we said goodbye. I hung up laughing. I am happy for him. I know he's always wanted kids. I'll be watching his fatherhood experience with a clinical eye. That experience is, after all, one it is extremely unlikely I will ever have. While that is a choice I am comfortable with, you're always curious how the people on the other side live.
Red hung out with me one night this week, and we watched movies. We popped popcorn, watched a fantastically brutal little horror film, and listened to a comedy album. We had a fantastic time. I remembered why I had had such a huge crush on her at one point. I must admit if she were to express interest in me I would be game and not even have to think about it.
Last night several coworkers and I were going to go see a movie. As the day progressed, the plan evolved into a pub THEN a movie. I liked this plan. Right about quitting time, the primary instigator of the whole thing decided that with his broken tailbone he could not sit in the theatre for that long and opted out. So myself and one other guy decide to go to the pub anyway. It is after all, about 3 minutes by car to the pub from my office. We get a nice seat out side. We eat, polish off a pitcher, and chat. He'd about 15 years older than me and is getting a divorce. I did not know that until last night. So we talk about that for a while. As he put it, "I'm pissed, I mean it wasn't my choice, but I realize that we both fucked up and could have done things to work it out. But we didn't." After a while he had to ask what was going on with Red and me. So I guess there are rumors. I told him he's going to be terribly disappointed as nothing is going on. He gave me a look that said he thought he knew better, but he said, "Oh, Alright then."
When I got home Belle called me. The conversation was a little awkward at first. We had not spoken in over 2 months. We don't have as much in common as we used to. The big things in her life are her dogs, anime, and video games. It seems so weird. Of course when we were together she used to practically beg me to play video games so she could watch. I guess it's not that surprising. When I was riding my bike in college, not nearly like I do now, but it was good exercise, she rode with me once. Once. After about 3 miles I looked back to say something and she was gone. I rode back and found her looking miserable on the side of the road. She had vomited in the bushes from the exertion. I rode home and got my car and came back to get her. She brought it up, laughing, when I related some of my riding experiences to her. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. I saw a glimmer of what drew me to her in the first place, but I'm glad I'm not in that place any more.
-Tenth
Make these walls your own.
Only Happy When It Rains
I saw Garbage play tonight. The Venue was a local club. It's a smallish venue. The band seemed to have a blast. When the band is having fun, a concert rocks. Red and I walked out quite enthused. Such and awesome show.
So why then
Did I
Come home to
An apartment
Filled
With Loneliness.
-Tenth
I saw Garbage play tonight. The Venue was a local club. It's a smallish venue. The band seemed to have a blast. When the band is having fun, a concert rocks. Red and I walked out quite enthused. Such and awesome show.
So why then
Did I
Come home to
An apartment
Filled
With Loneliness.
-Tenth
I Bleed
I went for a short ride today. Tomorrow Red wants to do a road ride. She's training to do the riding portion in triathlon. I guess she and two other women are competing as a team. Each doing one leg. Regardless she's begun training, and wants company on the rides. We're similar in ability, so it works out well. She climbs hills better, I descend faster. We're the same on flat land. On dirt I'm a better rider, but she's catching up quickly. Knowing tomorrow would be on pavement, I wanted to hit the dirt today. I hit the single track near my home. I'd not ridden it in several months. I was amazed by how much I had improved. The hill that used to nearly kill me to go up, I just spun up barely getting winded. Some of the rooty and rocky sections that I used to get off and walk through I tore through at speed. Laughing like a mad man. In one of these section it was very steep for about 30 feet. In the middle of the decent there was a rocky section. So I scootched back behind the seat and rolled down. Realizing I was carrying to much speed to be able to make the turn at the bottom. I hit the brakes as I passed the rocky section. My weight shifted forward so I pushed myself back and tried to lower my center of gravity. That's when my ass hit the tire. The sensation of knobby tire tread grinding my buttox startled me so bad I totally lost control. In a moment I was sitting on my butt on the rocks watching my bike tumble down the hill. I got up, brushed myself off, and checked the bike. Everything was fine, so I began to laugh. I am glad I did not have an audience for that one. The rest of the ride was fantastic as well.
Discussing office politics with Red yesterday she said, "Because your so well liked in the office, and you obviously are a good friend of mine my sock has gone up." I asked what she meant by that. "Before you started there I wasn't very well liked by a lot of people and was often excluded from things, now everyone seems to like me." I told her I doubted it had anything to do with me. She said, "Don't sell yourself short. I was in this office for four years, and you've definitely had an influence on people." I pretty sure that it is a compliment, but things like that always make me feel weird.
-Tenth
Oh, there was deer to.
I went for a short ride today. Tomorrow Red wants to do a road ride. She's training to do the riding portion in triathlon. I guess she and two other women are competing as a team. Each doing one leg. Regardless she's begun training, and wants company on the rides. We're similar in ability, so it works out well. She climbs hills better, I descend faster. We're the same on flat land. On dirt I'm a better rider, but she's catching up quickly. Knowing tomorrow would be on pavement, I wanted to hit the dirt today. I hit the single track near my home. I'd not ridden it in several months. I was amazed by how much I had improved. The hill that used to nearly kill me to go up, I just spun up barely getting winded. Some of the rooty and rocky sections that I used to get off and walk through I tore through at speed. Laughing like a mad man. In one of these section it was very steep for about 30 feet. In the middle of the decent there was a rocky section. So I scootched back behind the seat and rolled down. Realizing I was carrying to much speed to be able to make the turn at the bottom. I hit the brakes as I passed the rocky section. My weight shifted forward so I pushed myself back and tried to lower my center of gravity. That's when my ass hit the tire. The sensation of knobby tire tread grinding my buttox startled me so bad I totally lost control. In a moment I was sitting on my butt on the rocks watching my bike tumble down the hill. I got up, brushed myself off, and checked the bike. Everything was fine, so I began to laugh. I am glad I did not have an audience for that one. The rest of the ride was fantastic as well.
Discussing office politics with Red yesterday she said, "Because your so well liked in the office, and you obviously are a good friend of mine my sock has gone up." I asked what she meant by that. "Before you started there I wasn't very well liked by a lot of people and was often excluded from things, now everyone seems to like me." I told her I doubted it had anything to do with me. She said, "Don't sell yourself short. I was in this office for four years, and you've definitely had an influence on people." I pretty sure that it is a compliment, but things like that always make me feel weird.
-Tenth
Oh, there was deer to.
9/11
I hate living in this world created by the actions of other men.
I'd do anything to return it to what it was.
That's not possible now though.
So I try to pretend those thing are just another page.
But if I think about it something wells up in me.
A part of me that I don't like.
A coiled serpent in murky waters.
I push it back down.
It is not the answer.
-Tenth
But I don't know what the answer is.
I hate living in this world created by the actions of other men.
I'd do anything to return it to what it was.
That's not possible now though.
So I try to pretend those thing are just another page.
But if I think about it something wells up in me.
A part of me that I don't like.
A coiled serpent in murky waters.
I push it back down.
It is not the answer.
-Tenth
But I don't know what the answer is.
This Space Intentionaly Left Blank
[See Above]
Then Red decided to flake on me. She was doing so well for a while. Actually showing up when she said she would and committing to things. It's just the law of averages I suppose. She needs to even things out. She said she "might" want to go for a ride tomorrow. We shall see.
My parents stopped by this morning. We went out to breakfast. It was nice. I still cannot understand their fascination with reality TV. It's like an addiction for them. It's almost unnerving.
Well, I guess that's it.
-Tenth
Just numb I suppose.
[See Above]
Then Red decided to flake on me. She was doing so well for a while. Actually showing up when she said she would and committing to things. It's just the law of averages I suppose. She needs to even things out. She said she "might" want to go for a ride tomorrow. We shall see.
My parents stopped by this morning. We went out to breakfast. It was nice. I still cannot understand their fascination with reality TV. It's like an addiction for them. It's almost unnerving.
Well, I guess that's it.
-Tenth
Just numb I suppose.
ePanic
I hurt.
I just got back from hiking at Pinnacles National Monument with Red. Great hike. About 5.5 miles. About 1600 feet of elevation gain. I am friggin' exhausted. I just want to veg and watch TV for the rest of the night. I took a BUNCH of pictures while we were hiking. Perhaps I have a few good ones in the mix. Other than that not much is new.
-Tenth
I mostly post when I'm sad.
I hurt.
I just got back from hiking at Pinnacles National Monument with Red. Great hike. About 5.5 miles. About 1600 feet of elevation gain. I am friggin' exhausted. I just want to veg and watch TV for the rest of the night. I took a BUNCH of pictures while we were hiking. Perhaps I have a few good ones in the mix. Other than that not much is new.
-Tenth
I mostly post when I'm sad.
The Gloaming (Softly Open Our Mouths In The Cold)
My Grandfather is Dying.
I stood behind a goddess in the checkout line at Trader Joe's. She had the type of body that gets me going. But she had all the sass I'd ever want. She wore old fashioned stockings with a seam down the back. Neat, shiny black shoes. A nice, knee length black skirt that could be worn to meet your parents or a night out on the town. A white button up blouse. A short, long sleeved leopard print jacket. A purse that locked like an old army satchel, only smaller. A sassy bob hair cut, bleached, mostly (and intentionally so) blonde. She seemed so familiar to me. I studied her out of the corner of my eye. No intention of speaking to her lest my fantasy be ruined. And then she turned her head and I saw the profile of her face, "Kimberly?" I said lamely. She looked at me strangely. "Emily?... Maybe?" She kept looking. She was a wringer for the first woman I ever regretted not calling. I was in school, and the "Thing" between Belle and I had cooled to just sleeping together (No sex, just sleep, in a really emotionally unhealthy way). Kimberly, I'm sure that was her name now, had been in a class with me. A few years older than me. We'd gotten on well, but I was quite clueless. When the quarter ended, we parted way, telling me I should stop by where she worked. She was the night manager at a local hotel. I said I would, but never did. It was out of the way and I never seemed to have a good reason. Later JonJon (The Evil Cat) came into the comic shop I worked in and asked me "Do you know Kimberly ______?" It took me a moment, but I remembered. "I was having a drink with her and a friend of hers, and your name came up. I told her I knew you and that you worked here. You should give her a call!" I didn't have her number. I could have gotten it, but I wonder what this beautiful WOMAN would want to hang with a BOY like me for. A few weeks later she came into the store. She was dropping off a flier for something or other up at the campus. We talk for a bit. She was cool, clever, sassy, smart, funny, and I was clueless. She gave me her number, told me to call, and told me she still worked at the hotel. The number went into my wallet and was forgotten. Again, what would a WOMAN like that want with a BOY like me. Several months went by. Belle and I had a heart wrenching discussion about the lack of any future for us. She was moving to the LA area, and I was not. Cleaning out my wallet at work I ran across Kimberly's phone number. Kimberly the WOMAN. The well dress, WOMAN with the million dollar smile. Kimberly who had dotted the "i" with a little heart. I called the number. It had been disconnected. I stopped by the hotel, she didn't work their any more. She'd quit a few weeks before. I tracked down JonJon(The Evil Cat). All he knew was that her friend wouldn't talk to him, but he'd heard she moved to the bay area. I promptly felt very sad and pushed it all out of my mind. And here, in the line was her. "Did you go to Cal Poly?" I ask. No she says. In a voice so close to that WOMAN from my past. No, this woman is to young to be her. She looks MAYBE 25. She looks like Kimberly did when I knew her. I drove home with that profound sense of regret at being to wrapped up in Belle during my collage years to have see someone very cool, that was right in front of me. The ride home feels black under the blue skies.
My grandfather is dying.
CM and DM stop by. I'm grateful for the distraction. I was sinking into a black place, and didn’t want to go there. We get dinner. It is good.
My Grandfather is dying.
I get home. I’m thinking about taking a shower and the phone rings. I answer. It’s my father. He ask how I’m doing. Immediately I get a sinking feeling. My stomach drops to the floor. When my parents call Mom does all the talking. Did interjects a few thing now and then, but unless I ask him a direct question he says very little. But when it’s bad news… When it’s bad news he does most of the talking. I tell them I’m fine. “Got some bad news son.” I know it’s real bad when he calls me son. Usually he calls me by my name. He goes on to tell me that my grandfather has had an aneurysm. Or rather, the one he had has gotten significantly worse. He had one a year ago, but they couldn’t operate because of his general health. They still can’t. His kidneys are failing, and if they operate they don’t think he’ll survive. He’s in the hospital. Grandma doesn’t know yet. She’s early Alzheimer’s and still remembers most things, but gets confused easily. So their nurse took Grandma to be with Grandpa. My knees are getting weaker. The nurse is waiting for the doctor to try and explain it all to Grandma. Meanwhile Grandpa isn’t doing so well. He’s there in the hospital. MY knees buckle and I slide down the wall I don’t remember leaning against. Images dance through my head. My sweet Grandmother in a white hall way while the doctor and the nurse try to explain it to her. I can almost hear the sob. Grandpa in a hospital bed hooked up to machines like he’s wired into The Matrix. I’m sure my imagination is worse than the reality, but the reality is harsh enough. I remember Grandpa teaching me to put a worm on a hook. How to weight a fishing line. How to set the hook and reel the fish in. I remember the Catfish we caught on the bank of the Sacramento river near his boyhood home, and him pointing a finger across the river toward an old abandon building and saying “That’s the house I grew up in.” White and peeling like bone in the desert sun. Windows like empty eye sockets. “It look haunted.” I told him. I was young. Maybe six. He laughed and told me I was silly. The doctor is going to look into options my father continues, but he’s not hopeful. “Oh…. Fuck.” I stammer. They tell me they’ll call if they hear anything, but they don’t know how long he’s got other than, “Not long.”
I have to be strong for everyone else, but tonight I just want to cry and have someone be strong for me.
-Tenth
My Grandfather is dying. And earlier today seems kind of meaningless now.
My Grandfather is Dying.
I stood behind a goddess in the checkout line at Trader Joe's. She had the type of body that gets me going. But she had all the sass I'd ever want. She wore old fashioned stockings with a seam down the back. Neat, shiny black shoes. A nice, knee length black skirt that could be worn to meet your parents or a night out on the town. A white button up blouse. A short, long sleeved leopard print jacket. A purse that locked like an old army satchel, only smaller. A sassy bob hair cut, bleached, mostly (and intentionally so) blonde. She seemed so familiar to me. I studied her out of the corner of my eye. No intention of speaking to her lest my fantasy be ruined. And then she turned her head and I saw the profile of her face, "Kimberly?" I said lamely. She looked at me strangely. "Emily?... Maybe?" She kept looking. She was a wringer for the first woman I ever regretted not calling. I was in school, and the "Thing" between Belle and I had cooled to just sleeping together (No sex, just sleep, in a really emotionally unhealthy way). Kimberly, I'm sure that was her name now, had been in a class with me. A few years older than me. We'd gotten on well, but I was quite clueless. When the quarter ended, we parted way, telling me I should stop by where she worked. She was the night manager at a local hotel. I said I would, but never did. It was out of the way and I never seemed to have a good reason. Later JonJon (The Evil Cat) came into the comic shop I worked in and asked me "Do you know Kimberly ______?" It took me a moment, but I remembered. "I was having a drink with her and a friend of hers, and your name came up. I told her I knew you and that you worked here. You should give her a call!" I didn't have her number. I could have gotten it, but I wonder what this beautiful WOMAN would want to hang with a BOY like me for. A few weeks later she came into the store. She was dropping off a flier for something or other up at the campus. We talk for a bit. She was cool, clever, sassy, smart, funny, and I was clueless. She gave me her number, told me to call, and told me she still worked at the hotel. The number went into my wallet and was forgotten. Again, what would a WOMAN like that want with a BOY like me. Several months went by. Belle and I had a heart wrenching discussion about the lack of any future for us. She was moving to the LA area, and I was not. Cleaning out my wallet at work I ran across Kimberly's phone number. Kimberly the WOMAN. The well dress, WOMAN with the million dollar smile. Kimberly who had dotted the "i" with a little heart. I called the number. It had been disconnected. I stopped by the hotel, she didn't work their any more. She'd quit a few weeks before. I tracked down JonJon(The Evil Cat). All he knew was that her friend wouldn't talk to him, but he'd heard she moved to the bay area. I promptly felt very sad and pushed it all out of my mind. And here, in the line was her. "Did you go to Cal Poly?" I ask. No she says. In a voice so close to that WOMAN from my past. No, this woman is to young to be her. She looks MAYBE 25. She looks like Kimberly did when I knew her. I drove home with that profound sense of regret at being to wrapped up in Belle during my collage years to have see someone very cool, that was right in front of me. The ride home feels black under the blue skies.
My grandfather is dying.
CM and DM stop by. I'm grateful for the distraction. I was sinking into a black place, and didn’t want to go there. We get dinner. It is good.
My Grandfather is dying.
I get home. I’m thinking about taking a shower and the phone rings. I answer. It’s my father. He ask how I’m doing. Immediately I get a sinking feeling. My stomach drops to the floor. When my parents call Mom does all the talking. Did interjects a few thing now and then, but unless I ask him a direct question he says very little. But when it’s bad news… When it’s bad news he does most of the talking. I tell them I’m fine. “Got some bad news son.” I know it’s real bad when he calls me son. Usually he calls me by my name. He goes on to tell me that my grandfather has had an aneurysm. Or rather, the one he had has gotten significantly worse. He had one a year ago, but they couldn’t operate because of his general health. They still can’t. His kidneys are failing, and if they operate they don’t think he’ll survive. He’s in the hospital. Grandma doesn’t know yet. She’s early Alzheimer’s and still remembers most things, but gets confused easily. So their nurse took Grandma to be with Grandpa. My knees are getting weaker. The nurse is waiting for the doctor to try and explain it all to Grandma. Meanwhile Grandpa isn’t doing so well. He’s there in the hospital. MY knees buckle and I slide down the wall I don’t remember leaning against. Images dance through my head. My sweet Grandmother in a white hall way while the doctor and the nurse try to explain it to her. I can almost hear the sob. Grandpa in a hospital bed hooked up to machines like he’s wired into The Matrix. I’m sure my imagination is worse than the reality, but the reality is harsh enough. I remember Grandpa teaching me to put a worm on a hook. How to weight a fishing line. How to set the hook and reel the fish in. I remember the Catfish we caught on the bank of the Sacramento river near his boyhood home, and him pointing a finger across the river toward an old abandon building and saying “That’s the house I grew up in.” White and peeling like bone in the desert sun. Windows like empty eye sockets. “It look haunted.” I told him. I was young. Maybe six. He laughed and told me I was silly. The doctor is going to look into options my father continues, but he’s not hopeful. “Oh…. Fuck.” I stammer. They tell me they’ll call if they hear anything, but they don’t know how long he’s got other than, “Not long.”
I have to be strong for everyone else, but tonight I just want to cry and have someone be strong for me.
-Tenth
My Grandfather is dying. And earlier today seems kind of meaningless now.