Why did you stop writing?
- Thread starter Tenth
- Start date
Gigantic
ABG is back from his vacation. I no longer need to cover his desk. This is a good thing. Red called in sick today. So in the morning I took a company vehicle and went out to a job site. On the way back I notice it's near noon, so I call ABG and he doesn't answer eI leave a message asking him if he wants me to pick up food. He calls back a little later, after I'm in a restaurant, and make a food request. I get his food and head back to the office. About an hour after lunch ABG comes by my cube and asks, "So... Who did you meet up with for lunch?" I look at him and say, "That's a fucking strange assumption." (I was a little edgy today, I woke up at 2:30 and was not able to get back to sleep). HE looks at me with this surprised slightly hurt expression that managed, for some reason to make me angry. "So you didn't meet up with Red?" I relied, "Um... No." He walked away shaking his head at that point. I do not understand that man at all.
I am very tired tonight, and yet not sleepy. That, my friends, is truly inconvenient.
-Tenth
???
ABG is back from his vacation. I no longer need to cover his desk. This is a good thing. Red called in sick today. So in the morning I took a company vehicle and went out to a job site. On the way back I notice it's near noon, so I call ABG and he doesn't answer eI leave a message asking him if he wants me to pick up food. He calls back a little later, after I'm in a restaurant, and make a food request. I get his food and head back to the office. About an hour after lunch ABG comes by my cube and asks, "So... Who did you meet up with for lunch?" I look at him and say, "That's a fucking strange assumption." (I was a little edgy today, I woke up at 2:30 and was not able to get back to sleep). HE looks at me with this surprised slightly hurt expression that managed, for some reason to make me angry. "So you didn't meet up with Red?" I relied, "Um... No." He walked away shaking his head at that point. I do not understand that man at all.
I am very tired tonight, and yet not sleepy. That, my friends, is truly inconvenient.
-Tenth
???
Wondering
So, I have five days off in a row. That is the most I've had off in a row since New Year. So I started it off right. By sleeping in and dreaming. Two dreams. The first I was in a bed (Not my bed.. just bed) with someone. We were spooning. It was very nice. At which point my neighbors sexual Olympics woke me up. After the finished up I went back to sleep and dreamt I could fly. I swooped low over the hill tops at high speed. dodged in and out of the Redwoods up the coast. Not a sign of the world of man. It was amazing. I woke up.
I piled my bike into my truck and went up the coast to ride. I did not see a single other person on the trails today. It was like I was the first to discover them. Amazing. The single track was tight and technical. I ate it few times at low speeds. The double track was swoopy and fast. At one point I let out the breaks and went for it. I knew I was going faster than I ever had on that trail. I glanced down at the speedometer on my handle bars, I was near 30 MPH. It was quite the rush. After the hills I rode out along the bluffs over the ocean. I stopped and sat for a while and listened to the waves crash into the shore.
-Tenth
Today is near perfect. Only a few things needed to make it so.
So, I have five days off in a row. That is the most I've had off in a row since New Year. So I started it off right. By sleeping in and dreaming. Two dreams. The first I was in a bed (Not my bed.. just bed) with someone. We were spooning. It was very nice. At which point my neighbors sexual Olympics woke me up. After the finished up I went back to sleep and dreamt I could fly. I swooped low over the hill tops at high speed. dodged in and out of the Redwoods up the coast. Not a sign of the world of man. It was amazing. I woke up.
I piled my bike into my truck and went up the coast to ride. I did not see a single other person on the trails today. It was like I was the first to discover them. Amazing. The single track was tight and technical. I ate it few times at low speeds. The double track was swoopy and fast. At one point I let out the breaks and went for it. I knew I was going faster than I ever had on that trail. I glanced down at the speedometer on my handle bars, I was near 30 MPH. It was quite the rush. After the hills I rode out along the bluffs over the ocean. I stopped and sat for a while and listened to the waves crash into the shore.
-Tenth
Today is near perfect. Only a few things needed to make it so.
Fraud
I got a phone call from my credit card company, asking if I had made a $2100 order from a website. nope. Fuck. Fuckity, fuck fuck. The woman informed me that they would immediately cancel that card and issue a new one, and that I should watch my next bill to see if there is anything else. Ug.
-Tenth
I got a phone call from my credit card company, asking if I had made a $2100 order from a website. nope. Fuck. Fuckity, fuck fuck. The woman informed me that they would immediately cancel that card and issue a new one, and that I should watch my next bill to see if there is anything else. Ug.
-Tenth
Sad.
Sylvia's last ride
I warn you the above link is absolutely heart breaking. Seriously, it made me cry.
A girl, 14, died from the heat while mountain biking with her family in Moab. It's tragic and sad. They did everything they could. I cannot imagine the guilt the father is going through. I hope that he know he did what he could.
-Tenth
Nature is unforgiving and harsh.
Sylvia's last ride
I warn you the above link is absolutely heart breaking. Seriously, it made me cry.
A girl, 14, died from the heat while mountain biking with her family in Moab. It's tragic and sad. They did everything they could. I cannot imagine the guilt the father is going through. I hope that he know he did what he could.
-Tenth
Nature is unforgiving and harsh.
Barely (If At All)
I'm tired tonight. I feel a little... drained I guess. Work was long, and I didn't feel really well. I felt better after work, but I'm feeling a little out of it again now. I feel a little angsty and confused right now. The details I'm keeping to myself. I know I've been open about these things in the past, but not this time. You'll just have to accept that. I feel like I've been oscillating to quickly between the emotional poles lately. I need to calm the fuck down. I know people involved read this so I'm hesitant to say much. I suppose I could use this space to express those things to them that I have trouble putting into words, but this place is to exposed, and words feel so… cold.
-Tenth
Sometime I feel so safe... That feeling is so strange to me.
I'm tired tonight. I feel a little... drained I guess. Work was long, and I didn't feel really well. I felt better after work, but I'm feeling a little out of it again now. I feel a little angsty and confused right now. The details I'm keeping to myself. I know I've been open about these things in the past, but not this time. You'll just have to accept that. I feel like I've been oscillating to quickly between the emotional poles lately. I need to calm the fuck down. I know people involved read this so I'm hesitant to say much. I suppose I could use this space to express those things to them that I have trouble putting into words, but this place is to exposed, and words feel so… cold.
-Tenth
Sometime I feel so safe... That feeling is so strange to me.
Snowblind
I rode my bike to work today. Not such a big deal, but it is about 10 miles. All down hill. Well, all down hill after a short little climb right off. At the start of the ride I turned over the freeway and into a still sleeping neighbor hood. The world was twighlight grey, and still asleep. I thought, "If only every day started like this." It was near magic. The air was cool and, for the first time in days, I was pleasantly cold. I crested the hill feeling a little warm, and then I decending. on two wheels, you think diffrent that standing. It's like being liquid. Perhaps this is why predators chase. I poured into the turns using my whole lane. There was, after all, no one else on the road. The tires hissssed on the pavement. The wind roared in my ears as loud as I have ever heard it. Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes. At one point I let out a cry that was a cross between triumph, terror, and laughter. On two wheel I feel more alive than at any other time. Every nerve sings. Nothing is in my mind but picking my lines, knowing when to coast, and knowing when to pedal. A human powered lightning bolt. Grinning from ear to ear.
-Tenth
Joy!
I rode my bike to work today. Not such a big deal, but it is about 10 miles. All down hill. Well, all down hill after a short little climb right off. At the start of the ride I turned over the freeway and into a still sleeping neighbor hood. The world was twighlight grey, and still asleep. I thought, "If only every day started like this." It was near magic. The air was cool and, for the first time in days, I was pleasantly cold. I crested the hill feeling a little warm, and then I decending. on two wheels, you think diffrent that standing. It's like being liquid. Perhaps this is why predators chase. I poured into the turns using my whole lane. There was, after all, no one else on the road. The tires hissssed on the pavement. The wind roared in my ears as loud as I have ever heard it. Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes. At one point I let out a cry that was a cross between triumph, terror, and laughter. On two wheel I feel more alive than at any other time. Every nerve sings. Nothing is in my mind but picking my lines, knowing when to coast, and knowing when to pedal. A human powered lightning bolt. Grinning from ear to ear.
-Tenth
Joy!
Tagged!
Hrmmm... Five songs....
1308 - The Soviettes
Seasons In the Sun - Me First and The Gimme Gimmes cover
Memoirs of a Phuket Geisha - Red Elvises
Boom! - System Of A Down
The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
And a Dream...
I woke up in the middle of the night. The mug of water before bed had not been the best Idea I had ever had. I crawled back into bed after emptying my bladder and fell asleep on my side, sort of curled up. A very unusual position for me. In my dream though she is there. We're spooning. I follow the line of her arm, and when my hand finds hers our fingers interlace. I think how lucky I am. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She pulls her hand free from mine. I can feel her stiffen and pull away slightly. "What's wrong?" I ask.
"I just..." She pauses for a moment, I can feel my stomach drop out. "I don't what you to get the wrong idea about this."
I search for the right words, "I'm not sure where you going with this. I really like you, but... but your freaking me out a little."
She keeps her head turned away as she speaks. "This. You and me. I just want you to understand that this wasn't about you, it was about me."
"What?" She's at arm's length now. Sliding further away from me under the covers.
"I don't what you to get the wrong idea. I needed... " another pause as she hunts for the right word, "A physical release. I just want that to be clear. I don't want to end up hurting you."
I reach for her. "What’s going on? I don't understand." My fingertips barely brush the fine, soft, skin between her shoulders.
"Don't fucking touch me!" she snaps and slides a few more feet out of reach, her posture never changes.
I stare at her back for a few moments. I want to reach out and hold her and reassure her, and me, that everything is OK, but I can't, she's out of reach. I curl up in a tight ball and attempt to define misery. I hear her sigh. Then the alarm went off.
I was so confused when I woke up. I must have been in the midst of dream sleep when it happened. I had to sit on the edge of my bed for a few minutes to sort out real from unreal. Valid emotions (exhaustion) from the invalid (hurt and anger). Not the best way to start my day.
-Tenth
Strangely looking forward to Sunday.
Hrmmm... Five songs....
1308 - The Soviettes
Seasons In the Sun - Me First and The Gimme Gimmes cover
Memoirs of a Phuket Geisha - Red Elvises
Boom! - System Of A Down
The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
And a Dream...
I woke up in the middle of the night. The mug of water before bed had not been the best Idea I had ever had. I crawled back into bed after emptying my bladder and fell asleep on my side, sort of curled up. A very unusual position for me. In my dream though she is there. We're spooning. I follow the line of her arm, and when my hand finds hers our fingers interlace. I think how lucky I am. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She pulls her hand free from mine. I can feel her stiffen and pull away slightly. "What's wrong?" I ask.
"I just..." She pauses for a moment, I can feel my stomach drop out. "I don't what you to get the wrong idea about this."
I search for the right words, "I'm not sure where you going with this. I really like you, but... but your freaking me out a little."
She keeps her head turned away as she speaks. "This. You and me. I just want you to understand that this wasn't about you, it was about me."
"What?" She's at arm's length now. Sliding further away from me under the covers.
"I don't what you to get the wrong idea. I needed... " another pause as she hunts for the right word, "A physical release. I just want that to be clear. I don't want to end up hurting you."
I reach for her. "What’s going on? I don't understand." My fingertips barely brush the fine, soft, skin between her shoulders.
"Don't fucking touch me!" she snaps and slides a few more feet out of reach, her posture never changes.
I stare at her back for a few moments. I want to reach out and hold her and reassure her, and me, that everything is OK, but I can't, she's out of reach. I curl up in a tight ball and attempt to define misery. I hear her sigh. Then the alarm went off.
I was so confused when I woke up. I must have been in the midst of dream sleep when it happened. I had to sit on the edge of my bed for a few minutes to sort out real from unreal. Valid emotions (exhaustion) from the invalid (hurt and anger). Not the best way to start my day.
-Tenth
Strangely looking forward to Sunday.
I Will (No Man's Land)
Am I such a dreamer? Psychic, symbolic. More real than I would like even though it never happened.
This is my space where the thoughts leak out and maybe... maybe I'll sleep. Fitful and restless to be sure, but that would be better than where I am now. Perhaps there I can...
... lay out blue chalk arrows for you.
... explore a Greek archipelago in a boat resembling a wash tub.
... toss a bottle into the Ocean with a letter and it will find you.
... meet at the Two Windmills at 4:00.
... clear I piece of single track, and watch you do the same. See that look of triumph in your eyes.
... show you that place on the bluff that feel magic to me. Perhaps it will be the same for you.
... watch movies late into the night.
… show you the James Brown blueberry pie aliens.
I wish I could, but I don't think you'll let me.
My words lie. "I'll be fine" is a half truth. Words I'm so good at saying I almost believe them myself.
"I feel like I kicked a puppy." you said. I feel as though I've been kicked. I feel like I struggle against the ghost of your past, and you won't let me have a chance.
I'm not giving up, but right now I'm on the defensive. I've always been a fighter.
I am so tired tonight.
-Tenth
Thoughts leaked onto a page so that I might find sleep.
Am I such a dreamer? Psychic, symbolic. More real than I would like even though it never happened.
This is my space where the thoughts leak out and maybe... maybe I'll sleep. Fitful and restless to be sure, but that would be better than where I am now. Perhaps there I can...
... lay out blue chalk arrows for you.
... explore a Greek archipelago in a boat resembling a wash tub.
... toss a bottle into the Ocean with a letter and it will find you.
... meet at the Two Windmills at 4:00.
... clear I piece of single track, and watch you do the same. See that look of triumph in your eyes.
... show you that place on the bluff that feel magic to me. Perhaps it will be the same for you.
... watch movies late into the night.
… show you the James Brown blueberry pie aliens.
I wish I could, but I don't think you'll let me.
My words lie. "I'll be fine" is a half truth. Words I'm so good at saying I almost believe them myself.
"I feel like I kicked a puppy." you said. I feel as though I've been kicked. I feel like I struggle against the ghost of your past, and you won't let me have a chance.
I'm not giving up, but right now I'm on the defensive. I've always been a fighter.
I am so tired tonight.
-Tenth
Thoughts leaked onto a page so that I might find sleep.
Creep
She's in love with someone else. No matter how sad, how miserable, how angry, how pathetic I feel that's not going to change.
tick... tick... tick...
I want to go on a bender. I want to drink myself numb. I want to wake up confused and hung over on an unfamiliar couch, in an unfamiliar room, of an unfamiliar house, wearing my pants, and only one of my big black boots. I want to embrace my self destruction.
tick... tick... tick...
I want to punch the wall until my knuckles split and bleed. Leaving wet red streaks on the walls in their wake. I want to ride until I puke, through rocky super technical terrain because I know it will make me bleed.
tick... tick... tick...
I want to beg and plead with her. Maybe make some sort of foolish grand romantic gesture. A sky writer... yeah... Then maybe she'd see.
tick... tick... tick...
But drinking will accomplish nothing except dehydrating me and perhaps creating another embarrassing story about doing something else I don't remember. So I won't.
tick... tick... tick...
And I know I only want to hurt so I can feel like I am punishing myself for having these feelings and keep harboring that hope that she'll be so moved by it she'll sooth my wounds.
tick... tick... tick...
I know a grand, foolish gesture will only hurt her. She knows how I feel. I know she likes me. Even "that way" but she knew him first and it wouldn't be fair for me to try to draw her away from him. In the end I would feel to much guilt to ever feel right about anything else.
Bet you forgot about me you fucker.
So what can I do? I can be a friend. I can ask her to consider me if she ever leaves him. To leave that option open and never push me over into the "just friends, nothing else" territory I know so well, with so many.
Thought you could keep me out of your life.
I will not bear a torch for her. I've done that before and all that came of it is misery.
You miserable right now though right?
Unfortunately I am miserable right now. I rarely feel a strong connection with people. When I do I cherish them. When it's someone I believe I could have grown to love more so.
So good to be home
And that's why it hurts so much. I felt completely at ease discussing things I have never uttered to a single soul.
Tenth's Black dog is in the house!
And that's why my heart is broken again.
-Tenth
Suffer Tenth, I've been gone to long, I'm going to make this worth my time!
I’m tired of having to be strong.
She's in love with someone else. No matter how sad, how miserable, how angry, how pathetic I feel that's not going to change.
tick... tick... tick...
I want to go on a bender. I want to drink myself numb. I want to wake up confused and hung over on an unfamiliar couch, in an unfamiliar room, of an unfamiliar house, wearing my pants, and only one of my big black boots. I want to embrace my self destruction.
tick... tick... tick...
I want to punch the wall until my knuckles split and bleed. Leaving wet red streaks on the walls in their wake. I want to ride until I puke, through rocky super technical terrain because I know it will make me bleed.
tick... tick... tick...
I want to beg and plead with her. Maybe make some sort of foolish grand romantic gesture. A sky writer... yeah... Then maybe she'd see.
tick... tick... tick...
But drinking will accomplish nothing except dehydrating me and perhaps creating another embarrassing story about doing something else I don't remember. So I won't.
tick... tick... tick...
And I know I only want to hurt so I can feel like I am punishing myself for having these feelings and keep harboring that hope that she'll be so moved by it she'll sooth my wounds.
tick... tick... tick...
I know a grand, foolish gesture will only hurt her. She knows how I feel. I know she likes me. Even "that way" but she knew him first and it wouldn't be fair for me to try to draw her away from him. In the end I would feel to much guilt to ever feel right about anything else.
Bet you forgot about me you fucker.
So what can I do? I can be a friend. I can ask her to consider me if she ever leaves him. To leave that option open and never push me over into the "just friends, nothing else" territory I know so well, with so many.
Thought you could keep me out of your life.
I will not bear a torch for her. I've done that before and all that came of it is misery.
You miserable right now though right?
Unfortunately I am miserable right now. I rarely feel a strong connection with people. When I do I cherish them. When it's someone I believe I could have grown to love more so.
So good to be home
And that's why it hurts so much. I felt completely at ease discussing things I have never uttered to a single soul.
Tenth's Black dog is in the house!
And that's why my heart is broken again.
-Tenth
Suffer Tenth, I've been gone to long, I'm going to make this worth my time!
I’m tired of having to be strong.
Dime
Life's been Alright.
Nothing major going on, but I felt like I should update this. I've got both of my bikes in working order again, so I've been riding. When I got my road bike back from the shop I rode around the block once before leaving to make sure everything felt alright. I cannot express the joy in that ride. It felt so good to turn my wheels after over a week off of the bikes. I took a 5 mile ride that evening to give it a proper shake down ride. Wonderful. During one of the down hill stretches I fell in behind a BMW Z3 convertible. We were doing about 30 MPH and I was about 20 feet behind him. After about 100 yards I saw the drive glance in his mirror, do a double take when he saw me, and then he stomped on the gas and pulled away. This pleased me greatly. Trust me when I say 30 MPH on a bike feels A LOT faster.
-Tenth
:banana:
Life's been Alright.
Nothing major going on, but I felt like I should update this. I've got both of my bikes in working order again, so I've been riding. When I got my road bike back from the shop I rode around the block once before leaving to make sure everything felt alright. I cannot express the joy in that ride. It felt so good to turn my wheels after over a week off of the bikes. I took a 5 mile ride that evening to give it a proper shake down ride. Wonderful. During one of the down hill stretches I fell in behind a BMW Z3 convertible. We were doing about 30 MPH and I was about 20 feet behind him. After about 100 yards I saw the drive glance in his mirror, do a double take when he saw me, and then he stomped on the gas and pulled away. This pleased me greatly. Trust me when I say 30 MPH on a bike feels A LOT faster.
-Tenth
:banana:
Shadow On The Sun
Yeah. I'm tired. Harvey is in town for the weekend. He's got a bunch of family stuff going on, but he's crashing at my place. I was anxious about having him here. I was worried I'd have to play entertainer, that it would disrupt my life. I'm really not the person he knew in college. Pretty fucking selfish of me, eh? We stayed up late last night. I was telling him about the women (not) in my life and how I'm pretty good at finding the unavailable ones to want. He told me that he and The Dragon had been worried about me for a long time. That when things ended for the last time with Belle I was not the same person any more. He told me he remembered a time when the only woman I wanted was Belle and that I had completely blown off several women (whom I had no clue were into me) over the years. He said I'm probably still fucked up, but I have a list of names from the past two years, and that I had only one name for the eight years before that. It was progress. I suppose he's right. I still feel somewhat insecure about the whole dating/relationship/love thing. I've never been in what you could call a healthy relationship and I'm afraid I'd freak out and fuck it up. I have a small jealous streak in me, and while I usually don't say anything, it can really get under my skin. Don't even get me started on sex. It's been so long I have really fears about... well... All of it. It's going to take someone patient to deal with me. God I hope she out there looking for me.
-Tenth
It's been to long.
Yeah. I'm tired. Harvey is in town for the weekend. He's got a bunch of family stuff going on, but he's crashing at my place. I was anxious about having him here. I was worried I'd have to play entertainer, that it would disrupt my life. I'm really not the person he knew in college. Pretty fucking selfish of me, eh? We stayed up late last night. I was telling him about the women (not) in my life and how I'm pretty good at finding the unavailable ones to want. He told me that he and The Dragon had been worried about me for a long time. That when things ended for the last time with Belle I was not the same person any more. He told me he remembered a time when the only woman I wanted was Belle and that I had completely blown off several women (whom I had no clue were into me) over the years. He said I'm probably still fucked up, but I have a list of names from the past two years, and that I had only one name for the eight years before that. It was progress. I suppose he's right. I still feel somewhat insecure about the whole dating/relationship/love thing. I've never been in what you could call a healthy relationship and I'm afraid I'd freak out and fuck it up. I have a small jealous streak in me, and while I usually don't say anything, it can really get under my skin. Don't even get me started on sex. It's been so long I have really fears about... well... All of it. It's going to take someone patient to deal with me. God I hope she out there looking for me.
-Tenth
It's been to long.
Yes
I heard a story a long time ago that the ban Yes got their name by the members having a brain storming session trying to think of "the most positive thing imaginable." True or not it's a nice story. A considerable number of years later, and not that many years ago, they recorded a live album in a town I was living in at the time. It was a small intimate show. A pair of tickets were offered to me. Free. Two of them actually. The only condition would have been that I didn't try to sell them. Lets be blunt here. I'm not a fan of Yes. I don't hate them. I just don't particularly like them. I've always been more of a metal/grunge/hardcore scene type of guy. Besides, I had no one to go with. So I declined. Later in the evening the conversation kept playing in my head. Two things occurred to me. First, that big Yes fan or not, to see a band that famous in a venue like where they were playing, for a live album no less, was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Second, There was a girl who worked in the coffee shop across the street whom I'm been minorly crushing on for a while, and this might be a perfect opportunity. The next day I ran into the fellow again. We chatted for a few, and then I casually asked if the tickets were still available. Of course, they were gone. And of course it was a, "Gee, If I had run into you like 20 minutes ago..." type story. SO I missed the show. I never made more than idle chat with the cute coffee shop girl, and I felt like perhaps I had really missed out. Of course we can focus on what was lost, or what was gained. I suppose one could walk away with a message about seizing opportunity. So when the moment is right, and something positive is within your grasp boys and girls, go for it. Often the worst case scenario leaves you pretty much where you started.
-Tenth
I got waaaaay to drunk last night for no reason at all. I was able to stop myself from drunk posting, though perhaps not a bit of drunk dialing.
I heard a story a long time ago that the ban Yes got their name by the members having a brain storming session trying to think of "the most positive thing imaginable." True or not it's a nice story. A considerable number of years later, and not that many years ago, they recorded a live album in a town I was living in at the time. It was a small intimate show. A pair of tickets were offered to me. Free. Two of them actually. The only condition would have been that I didn't try to sell them. Lets be blunt here. I'm not a fan of Yes. I don't hate them. I just don't particularly like them. I've always been more of a metal/grunge/hardcore scene type of guy. Besides, I had no one to go with. So I declined. Later in the evening the conversation kept playing in my head. Two things occurred to me. First, that big Yes fan or not, to see a band that famous in a venue like where they were playing, for a live album no less, was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Second, There was a girl who worked in the coffee shop across the street whom I'm been minorly crushing on for a while, and this might be a perfect opportunity. The next day I ran into the fellow again. We chatted for a few, and then I casually asked if the tickets were still available. Of course, they were gone. And of course it was a, "Gee, If I had run into you like 20 minutes ago..." type story. SO I missed the show. I never made more than idle chat with the cute coffee shop girl, and I felt like perhaps I had really missed out. Of course we can focus on what was lost, or what was gained. I suppose one could walk away with a message about seizing opportunity. So when the moment is right, and something positive is within your grasp boys and girls, go for it. Often the worst case scenario leaves you pretty much where you started.
-Tenth
I got waaaaay to drunk last night for no reason at all. I was able to stop myself from drunk posting, though perhaps not a bit of drunk dialing.
Place For My Head
I never really learned to ask for what I want in life. Perhaps I can, but only when something in me builds to a point where want has been long left behind and has become NEED (Please note the all caps) and I get a little irational. I don't cope well. I internalize and repress, but I suppose that's what I was taught. I feel sometimes that my parents did not really want/were not prepared for the task of rasing children and shaping a future adult. I don't blame them for their actions, they did what they thought was best (and I strongly doubt that either of them were taught how to be parents by my grand parents... who were orphans on both sides and never had parent figures in their lives). But really, some times I felt like part of the check list. Spouse? Check. Career? Check. House? Check. Hrm.. what's missing... Kids? Yes lets have some of those. Don't get me wrong, good times were had on both sides, but the enduring message I came away with from growing up was: Work your ass off to please everyone, you have no inherent value in who you are. MY parents were semi-public figures (No, you would not know them) and maintaining some sort of appearance or normalcy was very important to them. I was seen and not heard. At any given point in my early child hood one or both of them were gone most nights. The string of babysitters is a blur to me. There were simply to many to remember any individuals. As much as some of this sucks for me it's nothing nobody else has had to deal with. My sister, bless her, had an epiphany about our youth about ayear ago, and had to share with me how screwed up things were. Thanks sis, I knew when I was about 8.
So as I got older I never really learned to relate to people. I tried really hard in highschool, but people are cruel,a nd it was easier to retreat into my books and writing. There at least everything could go according to how they SHOULD, but never do. I went to college and found women who were unavaible, and I could not connect with. The second time I ever had sex she had a Post Traumatic Stress flash back to either he uncle repeatedly molesting her as a child, or one of the couple of times she was rather violently raped. Trust me, it is just about the most embarassing, shameful, dammaging experiances you can have. I thought I could help because I am, a decent human being. I learned an important lesson, you can't go into a relationship to save people. All you can do is be there for them and perhaps they will save themselves, if your lucky, or sink, if your unlucky. She managed to save herself eventualy, but long after I was out of the picture. She has two children and the most patient understanding husband anyone can wish for. Then there was Belle. All I will say here is that I have never met anyone else so emotionaly unavaible. I poured so much of my feelings into her and never got any of it back. Sex with her was something she tollerated. Since then it's been a series of painful unrequited love affairs. I'm gotten really good at miss reading women. Fantastic at it. And it's been 9 years. I don't feel any better off.
A long time ago I wanted a wife, kids, a house, etc. Now I just don't want to go through the rest of this life alone. I don't want kids any more. I'm way to emotionaly mangled to be a good father to them. I don't want to inflict this life sentence on anyone else. Wife? Maybe. I'd concider it, but she'd have to be tollerant. I think I would drive anyone off the way I am now. I feel like a pile of emotional wreckage. I turned some of it loose on someone reacently who has there own problems to cope with. She deserves someone as good as she is. Perhaps she has someone (No, not me).
-Tenth
This might be my last post. I started writig to dump all this out, to help. I don't think it has.
I never really learned to ask for what I want in life. Perhaps I can, but only when something in me builds to a point where want has been long left behind and has become NEED (Please note the all caps) and I get a little irational. I don't cope well. I internalize and repress, but I suppose that's what I was taught. I feel sometimes that my parents did not really want/were not prepared for the task of rasing children and shaping a future adult. I don't blame them for their actions, they did what they thought was best (and I strongly doubt that either of them were taught how to be parents by my grand parents... who were orphans on both sides and never had parent figures in their lives). But really, some times I felt like part of the check list. Spouse? Check. Career? Check. House? Check. Hrm.. what's missing... Kids? Yes lets have some of those. Don't get me wrong, good times were had on both sides, but the enduring message I came away with from growing up was: Work your ass off to please everyone, you have no inherent value in who you are. MY parents were semi-public figures (No, you would not know them) and maintaining some sort of appearance or normalcy was very important to them. I was seen and not heard. At any given point in my early child hood one or both of them were gone most nights. The string of babysitters is a blur to me. There were simply to many to remember any individuals. As much as some of this sucks for me it's nothing nobody else has had to deal with. My sister, bless her, had an epiphany about our youth about ayear ago, and had to share with me how screwed up things were. Thanks sis, I knew when I was about 8.
So as I got older I never really learned to relate to people. I tried really hard in highschool, but people are cruel,a nd it was easier to retreat into my books and writing. There at least everything could go according to how they SHOULD, but never do. I went to college and found women who were unavaible, and I could not connect with. The second time I ever had sex she had a Post Traumatic Stress flash back to either he uncle repeatedly molesting her as a child, or one of the couple of times she was rather violently raped. Trust me, it is just about the most embarassing, shameful, dammaging experiances you can have. I thought I could help because I am, a decent human being. I learned an important lesson, you can't go into a relationship to save people. All you can do is be there for them and perhaps they will save themselves, if your lucky, or sink, if your unlucky. She managed to save herself eventualy, but long after I was out of the picture. She has two children and the most patient understanding husband anyone can wish for. Then there was Belle. All I will say here is that I have never met anyone else so emotionaly unavaible. I poured so much of my feelings into her and never got any of it back. Sex with her was something she tollerated. Since then it's been a series of painful unrequited love affairs. I'm gotten really good at miss reading women. Fantastic at it. And it's been 9 years. I don't feel any better off.
A long time ago I wanted a wife, kids, a house, etc. Now I just don't want to go through the rest of this life alone. I don't want kids any more. I'm way to emotionaly mangled to be a good father to them. I don't want to inflict this life sentence on anyone else. Wife? Maybe. I'd concider it, but she'd have to be tollerant. I think I would drive anyone off the way I am now. I feel like a pile of emotional wreckage. I turned some of it loose on someone reacently who has there own problems to cope with. She deserves someone as good as she is. Perhaps she has someone (No, not me).
-Tenth
This might be my last post. I started writig to dump all this out, to help. I don't think it has.
Slow Burn
I guess I'm going to keep posting for a little while longer at least. I've been at it for so long it feels really, really strange not to.
Not a whole lot to say. Lately I've been feeling like I wake up solely to work. I work solely so I can finish the day and go home. I go home and wait to get tired enough to sleep. Repeat. I manage to get thing in. A little gardening. A little riding. A little TV. But mostly, I just feel like I'm waiting.
I had a very pleasant conversation with the woman eluded to in the previous post. Only once did anything feel weird or strained. I think she may have misunderstood my words, or perhaps more recent, more uncomfortable conversations were still fresh in her mind. I thought I had been clear, but I don't think she trust me any more, which makes me sad. I know she'll read this post (And I would never ask her not to), but I really am not writing for her here. What I needed to say was said in email or on the phone. No, this is a core dump. Getting this thought out of my head. I'm feeling a little sad tonight, and a little tired, but I guess I'm back.
-Tenth
As if I ever left.
I guess I'm going to keep posting for a little while longer at least. I've been at it for so long it feels really, really strange not to.
Not a whole lot to say. Lately I've been feeling like I wake up solely to work. I work solely so I can finish the day and go home. I go home and wait to get tired enough to sleep. Repeat. I manage to get thing in. A little gardening. A little riding. A little TV. But mostly, I just feel like I'm waiting.
I had a very pleasant conversation with the woman eluded to in the previous post. Only once did anything feel weird or strained. I think she may have misunderstood my words, or perhaps more recent, more uncomfortable conversations were still fresh in her mind. I thought I had been clear, but I don't think she trust me any more, which makes me sad. I know she'll read this post (And I would never ask her not to), but I really am not writing for her here. What I needed to say was said in email or on the phone. No, this is a core dump. Getting this thought out of my head. I'm feeling a little sad tonight, and a little tired, but I guess I'm back.
-Tenth
As if I ever left.
Pariah Under Glass
I spent a chunk of time today talking to Red on the phones at work. We were both working on stuff that was tedious, repetitive, and took no mental work to do. I had called her to ask a question about a job, but the conversation digressed.
Trust issues:
She's got them. With men at any rate. She mentioned an incident involving SixWolf's brother. "And that's when I lost all respect for him." She said, "Typical male behavior." The brother's actions were rather sleazy and underhanded.
"I Take offense at that," I replied, "We're not all evil."
"You know, I used to think that some of you were different," she said, "but every guy I know has shown his true colors sooner or later. They are all sneaky and manipulative."
"Again," I said, "I take offense at that generalization, seriously."
"Well," she replied, "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now, but I'm pretty sure you'll let me down as well."
"What? If your saying that you don't know me as well as you think you do." I said.
"What? I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt for now." she said.
"Still, that's pretty offensive." I replied, "Given my past I could make a lot of unkind generalizations about women."
"All guys are the same deep down." she said.
"OK, this isn't so much the at work type conversation." I said, "We'll discuss it another time."
She said in reply, "Your fine right now, but I'm sure it'll surface if you start dating someone. I used to think (SixWolf's brother) was different until he started dating people out here. That was a disappointment."
We moved on to another subjet at that point. I know she was seriously into SixWolf's brother at some point, but her comments were dead serious. I'm still a little offended.
Later:
So about 5 hours later Red comes by my cube, almost giddy. We talk for a few minutes, but I can tell she's got something to say. Essentially, SixWolf's brother (SixBro from now on I'm tired of typing that) broke up with his girlfriend. Red had called him sometime asking him if he wanted to go camping next weekend. She had not heard back from him. Today he emailed her saying he would like to go, then called her and told her how nice it had been to hear from her and that she should call more often, perhaps come up to visit him more frequently (he moved about 5 hours away about two years ago or so... I've never met SixBro. She's been up there twice, both times with SixWolf). Now perhaps it's just me, but her reaction seemed a little strong (If say, Smile, for example were to call me, and tell me that she wanted to hang out and go camping, I think I would make me happy, but not near giddy *SHRUG* but then I'm sort of reserved about some things, but then so is Red). The whole thing just seemed... odd. Especially in light of our conversation earlier.
-Tenth
Whatever.
I spent a chunk of time today talking to Red on the phones at work. We were both working on stuff that was tedious, repetitive, and took no mental work to do. I had called her to ask a question about a job, but the conversation digressed.
Trust issues:
She's got them. With men at any rate. She mentioned an incident involving SixWolf's brother. "And that's when I lost all respect for him." She said, "Typical male behavior." The brother's actions were rather sleazy and underhanded.
"I Take offense at that," I replied, "We're not all evil."
"You know, I used to think that some of you were different," she said, "but every guy I know has shown his true colors sooner or later. They are all sneaky and manipulative."
"Again," I said, "I take offense at that generalization, seriously."
"Well," she replied, "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now, but I'm pretty sure you'll let me down as well."
"What? If your saying that you don't know me as well as you think you do." I said.
"What? I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt for now." she said.
"Still, that's pretty offensive." I replied, "Given my past I could make a lot of unkind generalizations about women."
"All guys are the same deep down." she said.
"OK, this isn't so much the at work type conversation." I said, "We'll discuss it another time."
She said in reply, "Your fine right now, but I'm sure it'll surface if you start dating someone. I used to think (SixWolf's brother) was different until he started dating people out here. That was a disappointment."
We moved on to another subjet at that point. I know she was seriously into SixWolf's brother at some point, but her comments were dead serious. I'm still a little offended.
Later:
So about 5 hours later Red comes by my cube, almost giddy. We talk for a few minutes, but I can tell she's got something to say. Essentially, SixWolf's brother (SixBro from now on I'm tired of typing that) broke up with his girlfriend. Red had called him sometime asking him if he wanted to go camping next weekend. She had not heard back from him. Today he emailed her saying he would like to go, then called her and told her how nice it had been to hear from her and that she should call more often, perhaps come up to visit him more frequently (he moved about 5 hours away about two years ago or so... I've never met SixBro. She's been up there twice, both times with SixWolf). Now perhaps it's just me, but her reaction seemed a little strong (If say, Smile, for example were to call me, and tell me that she wanted to hang out and go camping, I think I would make me happy, but not near giddy *SHRUG* but then I'm sort of reserved about some things, but then so is Red). The whole thing just seemed... odd. Especially in light of our conversation earlier.
-Tenth
Whatever.
Ready, Steady, Go!
Yesterday:
I rode my bike into work and home. It's a good ride. I've got getting to work (Down hill) down to a little under 30 minutes. I've got going home (up hill) down to about a little over an hour (including a 5-10 minutes). On my way home I see a cute roadie woman sitting on a curb next to her cross bike looking at a map. I ask if I can help. She tells me the route she's trying to take, but that she's confused about where she is. I point out where she is on her map and tell her how to get there. She's going to be riding pretty much the route I'm on to get home, so I offer that we could ride together for a while and I could show her where to turn. "No, no, that's OK" she said a little to fast, I shrug, laugh a little and wish her a good ride. Then for some reason I didn't want her to pass me while I was wheezing up hill, so I pushed myself hard (It must be some male ego thing, I do not know why I did it) until I got to my rest stop. Sitting there resting up for the last big hill she comes rolling past I look at her, and say hello, she returns the greeting but doesn't make eye contact. *SHRUG* Some people. Later, almost home, a pair of roadies passed me. On glances back and then slows until he's next to me. He asked if I had been on a ride with aa local group the weekend before on a mountain bike, I tell him no, but I was climbing a particularly steep grade the weekend before and was passed by a bunch of roadies. "Cool, that was you then. We do a ride every Sunday, you should come out!" I said it sounded like fun and he gave me some details.
Today:
I weeded my garden, watered, and mulched. Feeling restless, I went downtown. While parking in the structure I got a phone call, and slightly distracted by it I chose a spot fare from the stairs with a number of spaces open around it so I wouldn't accidentally hit anything. I tooled around downtown for a while, and then headed back. I get in my truck and notice two men, in their twenties in the car directly in front of me. I only saw them because of the yellow hat the one in the drivers seat was wearing. I could swear he had not been their a moment before. Something about his posture, he was leaning over almost in the passenger seat, and the way the other man's seat was reclined in his seat immediately stuck me as odd. It dawned on my it was quite possible I had interrupted an intimate moment between the pair. I backed out of the space and headed to the ramp out of the garage, as I started down the ramp, I caught another glimpse of the car again. The yellow hat was gone, but I could still see the elbows of the reclining man. This town. I drove off thinking that there are likely more private places than the parking garage. Only later did it really occur to me that it had been two men, and that there was a time, when I was much younger, that that would have freaked me out. We all grow up I suppose. Some faster than others.
-Tenth
I'm going to go read comic books now.
Yesterday:
I rode my bike into work and home. It's a good ride. I've got getting to work (Down hill) down to a little under 30 minutes. I've got going home (up hill) down to about a little over an hour (including a 5-10 minutes). On my way home I see a cute roadie woman sitting on a curb next to her cross bike looking at a map. I ask if I can help. She tells me the route she's trying to take, but that she's confused about where she is. I point out where she is on her map and tell her how to get there. She's going to be riding pretty much the route I'm on to get home, so I offer that we could ride together for a while and I could show her where to turn. "No, no, that's OK" she said a little to fast, I shrug, laugh a little and wish her a good ride. Then for some reason I didn't want her to pass me while I was wheezing up hill, so I pushed myself hard (It must be some male ego thing, I do not know why I did it) until I got to my rest stop. Sitting there resting up for the last big hill she comes rolling past I look at her, and say hello, she returns the greeting but doesn't make eye contact. *SHRUG* Some people. Later, almost home, a pair of roadies passed me. On glances back and then slows until he's next to me. He asked if I had been on a ride with aa local group the weekend before on a mountain bike, I tell him no, but I was climbing a particularly steep grade the weekend before and was passed by a bunch of roadies. "Cool, that was you then. We do a ride every Sunday, you should come out!" I said it sounded like fun and he gave me some details.
Today:
I weeded my garden, watered, and mulched. Feeling restless, I went downtown. While parking in the structure I got a phone call, and slightly distracted by it I chose a spot fare from the stairs with a number of spaces open around it so I wouldn't accidentally hit anything. I tooled around downtown for a while, and then headed back. I get in my truck and notice two men, in their twenties in the car directly in front of me. I only saw them because of the yellow hat the one in the drivers seat was wearing. I could swear he had not been their a moment before. Something about his posture, he was leaning over almost in the passenger seat, and the way the other man's seat was reclined in his seat immediately stuck me as odd. It dawned on my it was quite possible I had interrupted an intimate moment between the pair. I backed out of the space and headed to the ramp out of the garage, as I started down the ramp, I caught another glimpse of the car again. The yellow hat was gone, but I could still see the elbows of the reclining man. This town. I drove off thinking that there are likely more private places than the parking garage. Only later did it really occur to me that it had been two men, and that there was a time, when I was much younger, that that would have freaked me out. We all grow up I suppose. Some faster than others.
-Tenth
I'm going to go read comic books now.