Why did you stop writing?

[Tenth]

Mad World

Well, not much to say about my Grandfather. He's back home now. They think his blood pressure meds were in to high of a dosage, so they cut it back, but they aren't sure.

As for my own life? other than an ATM eating my card not much has gone on (I got the card back the next day).Work is doing what it normally does, and so is everyone else. I think I'm supposed to go to a party this weekend. I don't know that I want to go. I'm not really in a party mood, but I probably will. If nothing else, just to get out.

I hate worrying about loved ones. Especially when there is nothing I can do to help.

-Tenth

I hate worrying alone.

 

[Tenth]

Round Here

Apparently my Granddad id back to normal. They cut back his blood pressure meds and everything normalized. The whole thing makes e crazy though. I hate not knowing. I hate waiting. I've always been the type of person who just rips the bandage off, rather than pull it slowly. I am very glad he's doing much better though. He's always been such a wonderful, smart, funny man. I think I owe a fair amount of my sense of humor to him. I'm not ready to let go yet.

The party I was supposed to go to turned out to be some sort of industrial/gothic/rave thing. So not my scene. They may have been a time when it was, but that was about 10-12 years ago. I was feeling exceedingly hostile last night as well.

Conflict had called, and while I adore her, she is in that phase of a new relationship where everything about this new person is interesting/amazing to you. She has trouble talking about anything else. I've been feeling rather alone, unloved, and generally down all week. I was polite, and listened, but it just set me on edge... I suspect (And I loath to admit it) I am probably slightly jealous that she's found someone, and I am still alone. We used commiserate over being single. Now she's got that optimism that people get where they say things like, "The right person is right around the corner, I'm sure of it." Bah! I'm way to cynical right now for a pep talk to do anything other than annoy me.

So feeling hostile I didn't go. I showed up, had every intention of going. For the most part because I told people I would. Then I saw who they had working the door. A kid. 15 years old. A little punk. I know him. When I was 15 he's probably been a friend of mine. 14 years makes quite a difference in a person. This kid will occasionally show up at any parties/social get togethers my friends have. I'm really not sure where he came from. Frankly I don't care. I take it back. When I was 15 I probably would have kicked this kids ass. He's one of those people you instantly dislike. There is a... slimy quality ("Why yes Ms. Cleaver") that bugs me in people. So I left. I went to my Sis and Bird's place and watched movies with them. We had fun. She made popcorn. I was like when we were kids and our parents trusted us enough to leave us home alone for the evening when they went out. We would watch movies with the lights out and eat popcorn until midnight or they came home. Whichever came first.

I'm feeling better today, but I know I'm going to catch hell from certain people I told I was going to be there. *SIGH* No worries.

-Tenth

Social phobic.

 

[Tenth]

Liquified

I think my brain is trying to melt. I pulled an extra long week at work. It can be pretty much summed up into an extra week of pay on my next check. Which is good. But it also made me super, ultra, burnt out. I went in Saturday morning to finish up the job I was working on. I never go in on weekend. Never. This was the very first time. Fortunately it was only a half day. I get home and clean. Laundry and vacuum. All the stuff that got neglected in the past week. Things were winding down and It was beginning to look like it would be a slow weekend. Then The Giant calls me. He tells me that he, Nil, and Smile are bored and have decided to come over to my side of the hill for dinner and to bother me (his words). Cool. Activity. I really have no life during the weekend, so I'm pretty game for anything on the weekend. Dinner is good. At some point The Giant decides he's going to get hammered. So he drinks. A lot. We go back to my place and watch movies for a while. Smile, The Giant, and myself begin to polish off the beer in the fridge. The Giant and Smile talk a lot... I think about Gnome (I think I called her gnome here.. .The Giant's Recent ex.). He's not over her no matter what he says. Later, after The Giant fell asleep, Smile and I geeked out about movies, books and (my personal deep dark secret) comic books. It was one of those really great fascinating conversations that is really only possible after 5-6 beers.. Which is to say, if either of us had been sober, it probably wouldn't have been as interesting. At some point she tells me that "we need to talk more often." Bah! women. All crazy (Mind you the reason we have not talked more is that she tends to flake). At some point in the evening she labels me "wholesome." Something about drunk men usually "being aggressive" with her and me behaving myself. Wholesome. I think I've been accused of that before. Gosh Golly gee shucks ma'm. I suppose there are worse things to be accused of. At least she snuck in cute along with it. Then again I'm not sure really how I feel about her. Defiantly someone I can be friends with, but I hate it when people are flake. Any rate. Early in the morning they leave (Nil drove, he didn't drink all night).

This morning I woke up late. And hung over. I'm not sure why, but when eve rI am hung over I get a craving for greasy foods. One would think with a headache and a queasy stomach it's the last thing you’d want, but I always feel better after eating. So I went to my favorite hole in the wall restaurant and got an omelet. Wonderful. The coffee was a godsend as well. The waitress there knows me and is always amused when I stagger in like that. I think she believes my life is more exciting that it is, but the personal service in the small place is great. My only goal for the day was to tune my guitar... oh, and buy some picks. I am convinced my friends are eating them. Every time people show up another one disappears.

So now, hangover abated, guitar tunes, and journal updated I can get some sleep.

-Tenth

wholesome.

 

[Tenth]

How many times can you get kicked in the teeth befor you stop bothering to try and get up?

 

[Tenth]

At least once more it seems.

 

[Tenth]

Ug, Illness. I am sick. Yet another cold has moved in. Bah. Speaking of moving... I helped The Giant move today. Probly not the best plan I've ever had, but he did need my help, and I wasn't feeling to bad.

Thank you who ever sent the valentine message through cupid (Ok, I'm about 99% sure who you are so thanks. You made my morning).

Other than that, ug. I hate getting sick. I'm tired. I think I'll stop writing now.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

Hold on

I feel a rant and some observations coming on...

As you may, or may not have heard, the city of San Francisco is allowing gay couples to marry. It's on the news everywhere here. I'm not sure if it is still going on. Several groups were waiting to try and put a stop to it. I've not heard if they were able to get a judge to order the court house to stop. I have to ask why are they not allowed to be married? Most of the people the news has interviewed stress that marriage is defined as "a man and a woman." I've heard the argument that somehow a same sex marriage "Destroys the institution of marriage." How do two people who love each other, and want to declare a commitment to one another in any way attack the idea marriage? Does a same sex wedding somehow do more damage to marriage as a serious institution than drive through wedding chapels? Getting married by a celebrity impersonator? How? I don't under stand such hate. Should we prevent marriages between people of different ethnic/religious backgrounds as well? Where do you draw the line? when is it ok for you to hate? Why not just let it go. I cannot understand why these people, who's only crime is to love someone, should be persecuted. I've yet to hear a single argument that has had any weight to it, didn't contain a slippery slope, or just ignore logic. If you disagree with someone's beliefs, attitudes, etc. Feel free to disagree, but you shouldn't interfere with their rights to pursue what makes them happy. Especially when they aren't hurting anyone. It seems to me all the energy spent on this could be used for a better purpose.

---------

Now some observations about myself. (which are completely unrelated to the above). Perhaps these should have been a separate post, but since I'm here you get to read it.

I don't make promises lightly. I go to lengths to avoid uttering the phrase "I promise." People who know me know this. I will usually say "I will do the best I can" which mean I am very likely to keep to what ever commitment I am making. I've reserved the word promise for a very serious commitment. When I do promise something I will go to what ever lengths are within my means to keep it. This is not to say I have never broken a promise, but those broken promises are few and far between. I'm not sure where this mentality comes from. So personal code of honor I suppose. This has been on my mind lately. I was sort of cornered into promising something to someone. It's not a big thing, but because I promised it is to me. Does this seem strange to you? It strikes me as rather old fashioned when I think about it.

Finally.... Though I am 29 (And rapidly closing in on 30) sometimes I feel like I am younger. Physically, I am defiantly my age. Mentally is another issue entirely. Most of the people I know, event the old gang from collage and even before, just seem at a different place in their lives. Weddings, children, house payments, divorce, etc. Those things aren't part of my life (and some of them thankfully, but others I wonder about). I noticed recently that a majority of my friends are in their early 20's (The Giant, Nil, Welder, Smile, and others that have never come up) *SIGH* I attribute it to certain portions of my life. Growing up I was rather sheltered in some ways. I grew up in a small town, with parents who were rather over protective (In some ways, and not so much in others). When I went to collage at 18, I'd never been really drunk, never had sex, and had only ever kissed one girl (yeah, I was a little bit of a "Late bloomer") Collage was a new experience. New people. New friends. Girls who hadn't known me from the time I was ten. It was nice for two years there. Trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. Then I met Belle. And while she did nothing directly to me, I didn't do much emotional growth when I was with her. I focused a lot of energy into that relationship (to which she put very little, enough to keep me coming back) And it wasn't until she was out of my life that I could focus on myself again. so yeah, I generally feel more comfortable with people 5-7 years my junior. Go figure.

-Tenth

Oh yeah, I'm probably screwed up.

 

[Tenth]

The Damn at Otter Creek

I was swept with a sudden wave of nostalgia today. Going through a box (left over from when I moved 3 years ago) in my storage room I came across some old photos. I took them in 1992. As is usual for all my rolls of film I was not on a single one. But many people I've not thought about in a long time were. The pictures were taken before I met Belle, indeed before I met most the people I've mentioned here. Hair and Harvey were on them, looking younger and more fit (And couldn't that have been said about us all back then?) but basically the same. I barely knew Harvey then, and I considered Hair, along with another fellow I'll Call Knight my best friends in the world. The three of us spent a lot of time getting into (And out of) trouble. Things were different. I had a lot less in the way of baggage, but knew a lot less as well.

looking back life seems a lot more simple then, but pulling back the veneer of time, I can see more clearly. I can remember the stress of school. The stress of trying to please my parents with good grades. The stress of no longer feeling like one of the smartest people I know. The loneliness of being away from my family for the first time, and the freedom of it. It was such a strange, wonderful, awkward, and just unusually time in my life. I like to think I won't make the same sort of poor choices I made again. I made good ones as well, but like happy memories, the painful ones are easier to remember.

I'm older now, more scares (emotional and physical), less hair, and maybe wiser. I wonder though. Maybe I need o stop living for the past or the future and enjoy the present.

-Tenth

Maybe I should be less hard on myself.

 

[Tenth]

Ordinary World

Hey there.

Haven't really talked to you in a while. Actually, I've not thought about you much either. I heard that song on the radio today. The slow one from Harvey's wedding. When we danced. Remember how warm it was that night? It had been over 100 earlier in the day. Even with the warm air I could feel your body heat through our clothes. I remember holding you close, swaying slowly to the music with you. My eyes closed. I wished that that song would last forever. It didn't of course.

Later Harvey would say that I had, "A strange expression." The Dragon would say I looked as if I was afraid to let go of you.

In many ways I was.

That seems so long ago now.

So many years under the bridge.

I know we haven't talked much lately. Some things are still tough for me to deal with. They shouldn’t be anymore, but they are.

I hope that he loves you as much as I did, and that you love him more than you loved me.

I heard that song on the radio today. The slow one from Harvey's wedding. When we danced.

And it made me sad.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

The Name Of The Game

o, a couple of things occurred to me today...

First, The Presidents assertion that The Constitution should be amended to prohibit same sex marriages offended me so deeply I will only make one comment. Fifty years ago it was illegal for a white person and a black person to get married. Seems rather silly now that it was ever even an issue.

Second, I have a bad history of being attracted to emotionally reserved women. I'm not sure why (though I could speculate), but it seems to not be a good thing.

Third, This journal is all of my pain laid open. Looking back at it, it seems that maybe that is all there is to me. In truth I think the past two years have been some of the roughest in my life (And still may be) but there has been joy to. You all just don't get to see it. I don't write about that part of me... Despite my seemingly often solitary existence I am a social creature, and am at my happiest when I am with people. Even if I forget how to do that sometimes. There... that's all.

-Tenth

Note to self: No more women born under the zodiac sign "Cancer"

 

[Tenth]

Starry Eyed Suprise

Time.. I realized this weekend that it flies by, mostly in retrospect. I realized this as my grandfather, sitting across the table from me, muttered under his breath, "How the hell did I get so old?" The only answer is time. Every day at work it seems to drag on, but when I get home on Friday it seems like the week has flown past. Strange, isn't it?

My Grandfather is doing much better now. Apparently his prescription was ODing him on something or other, and now that that's straightened out he's feeling much better. I have felt horrible, because I was dreading this visit with them. Not because I do not love them, but because it seems like every time I visit a little more of the memories I had of them change. They are not the people who would care for me in the summer. The man who taught me how to fish, and the woman who made the best ginger snap cookies I've ever had... and yet... The glimmer of those people have still been there, as though they have been robbed of the hope and love that made them who they were. That is what hurt me to see. That is why I dreaded visiting them. And this time... it was different. My grandfather was in the highest spirits since before his heart attack. He was cracking jokes, and generally being (Or closer than he has in a long time) the man he was. My grandmother I worry about. She is better than she was, but she has become so frail in her old age. When I hug her I do so loosely, for fear of hurting her. But she was smiling more, and did not end the visit with "This is the last time you'll see me." And that is a good sign.
---

I called Smile today. I'm really not sure why, I just picked up the phone and called her. When she answered I said hello, and then tried to say, "Haven't talked to you in a while, just thought I'd call to say hi." Somehow I managed to stumble over my tongue FOUR TIMES trying to get that simple phrase out. Once I did, well, she sort of went off. "God damn it! I don't have any time, I like you I want to hang out with you, I have fun hanging out with you, but I have so many commitments everyone thinks I'm a flake!" And so on. For about 3 minutes. I interrupt her, Tell her not to worry about it. I tell her that I don't hold it against her (And truthfully I don't) and if she needs to vent, vent. So she did. Some things make more sense now. As do some recent events. No details.. .things I haven't talked about here... I suppose, there is no real reason for the secrecy, but it's complicated, and hard to explain.

-Tenth

Chaos

 

[Tenth]

In This Diary

The Other Side, and the parties that happened there.

The water storage tanks where Belle got a case of the giggles that lasted three hours.

Morro St. So many memories in that house.

The falling star. THE falling star. The one so magnificent I gasped in the cool night air, and of us all only I saw it.

The midnight walks to Denny's.

Listening to the 80's music DJ.

The Cabana, and one party in particular.

Pirate Radio, the Space Between Your Ears.

The "Rousing Game of Ping Pong."

"The Great White hunter" and the ultimate BBQ.

Rain Jogging.

All of these and more. Such fond memories. They all bring a smile to my face.

-Tenth

Not a shard of pain among them.

 

[Tenth]

Bottles to the Ground

It's always interesting showing up at a party late and being one of the only sober people there. That was last night. I knew the house, and new some of the people, and decided before I showed up that I would rather sleep at home. Wait... It starts a little earlier than that. I had been out earlier that night. Dinner, many beers and a movie with some people. I had a really nice buzz by the time the movie started (and close to going past "Buzzed" and into out right drunk). By the time I got home I was sober (and feeling slightly queasy). There was a message from The Giant "Dude, Party here. You have no choice. Make your time. And bring a blanket and pillow.... Oh and incase you think you can get out of this Smile is here and just asked when you're getting here. Better hurry Dude!" This is at midnight. So what do I do? I go of course! Things are winding down when I show up. I nearly walk right past Smile on the porch (Didn't pick her out of the group of people there as I walked up). From about a foot away I hear her voice, "Tenth!" and she plows into me, leaping up, wrapping her arms and legs around me. "Heya Smile." She beams back that radiant smile of hers, "I'm great." "your really drunk aren't you?" Her feet drop back to the porch and she gives one of those emphatic nods that people only really do when drunk. She nearly tips over. I catch her before she topples. I tell her I'm going inside to say hi to people. She nods again (Once again nearly tipping off the porch) and informs me, loudly and confidently, that she would find me later. Inside is mellow. A number of people passed out in the living room. The Giant comes dancing into the room, also extremely drunk, "TENTH!!!!! Dude! You Made it!!!!" We talk for a little bit, and then he decides to introduce me to all the people there. After about 5 people he gets distracted. I find a group of more sober (And two entirely sober) people around the kitchen table. Most these people were closer to the cultural fringes than I am. Goths, Swingers, and other social malcontents. So basically a bunch of people I got along well with. One girl at the table looks really familiar to me. We talk. both of us are sure we know each other, but can't figure out where from. Eventually we figure out that we were at the same college, at the same time, and ran in a lot of the same circles, but had only met a few times before. The Giant wanders back through and is bound and determined to show me something on his computer. So We head back to his room and he shows me some CG movie. I suspect it's much funnier when drunk. At this point I discover Nil is at the party as well. He sees me... you guessed it, "TENTH! DUDE!" He lets me know exactly how drunk he is than wanders away. So The Giant and I are sitting there in front of the computer and some woman I don't know jogs in yells, "Giant my dear!" and kisses him. I chuckle. To a sober person it was pretty funny. She looks at me and says, "Well I must be fair in all things!" and kisses me full on the mouth. I had expected many things, but that caught me off guard. I kiss back, which also caught me off guard. After a few moments she pulls away and says "I don't know you do I? It's my birthday." A short... .very incoherent conversation follows. Time passes, a series of just as random events occur. The world of drunk people can be very fascinating if your sober and in the right frame of mind. It was sort of a "Tenth's Wild Kingdom studies: Drunk People" evening. Eventually Smile finds me. She's carrying an ornate German beer stein (and a friggin' huge one at that) filled with water. "I need to sober up... I'm cold." I offer her my flannel shirt (I am one of those people who is never cold), but I end up under a blanket with her on the couch. Despite the numerous "Thumbs up from the Giant and him mouthing "Got for it!" I behave myself. Before her ride left (One of the other two sober people there) She makes a point of telling me that I am a Gentleman, and "There aren't many left." I head out shortly there after. It's nearly three by that time. I go home. I go to bed. I go to sleep.

I had spent the day at work dwelling in the past. A past filled with pain, regrets, and my own host of personal daemons. I spent the evening living in the pleasure of the moment, food, beer, and movies. I spent the last part of the night looking forward.

-Tenth

Where ever I go now is my choice. There are some truly wonderful things about having the process of growing up in the past.

 

[Tenth]

Lips Like Sugar

What a strange weekend. So much more happened. I felt like I had a life for a change. There was /YET ANOTHER PARTY/ at The Giants the next night, I declined though. He called at about 11:00 PM. I was so tired I could barely stand. At that point very few things could have persuaded me to go over there. Friday night had given me enough to think about. There was more that occurred, but the details of which I'll spare you all. OK, I'm being secretive. I admit it. All over pretty much nothing.

The Pillars:

There have been two parts to my life for nearly as long as I can remember. There is the part of me that has played by the rules, done his homework, kept his nose to the grindstone, and generally fell in line. The other side. The side that drove me to be a little sk8 punk. The part of me that cut loose at a metal concert, used to wear a lot of black, and trashed like an enraged animal when I got in the pit. These two have existed side by side with little cross over for a long time. I've noted I have often had two, nearly separate groups of friends most my life, with little cross over. When the two groups have met, it has always made me a little nervous. As though they might compare notes and put together the whole puzzle. I don't know why. If the people are my friends it really shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does. This weekend Ego commented on this trait of mine. You see, he's known me for over 14 years, and often knows me better than I know myself. Despite any failings he may have, he is a good friend. So for what... 6 months (longer?) there has been the post here about Smile here. I had never even mentioned her to Ego. And, I suspect, I likely wouldn't have, except for lunch, Ego, Nil, The Giant, and Spaz all got lunch together. The Giant and Nil were razzing me a little over Smile. Ego looked at me weird, but didn't say anything. Later, after The Giant, Nil, and Spaz had left Ego ask me who Smile was. And then that weird duality kicked in. No one, Just a girl I know. He starts laughing. "You must really like her." he says. No no no... Just a girl. "Sure. You know how I know Tenth? Because you never say anything when you really like them." Fuck. He does know me better than I do. So I explain the past 6 months. He gives me his advice... which, as usually in these situations is good. Expect nothing, have fun, what ever happens, happens, but be careful. He also pointed something out to me that, with the exception of Belle, has held universally true of my past girlfriends. They have always been these wild, sexy, insane women, that come into my life like a hurricane. They don't seem to stay to long, but everyone knows, and it takes months and years to sift through all the damage and set it right. About the time things get fixed up right again another one hits.

And I mock people who do things like build on flood plains.

-Tenth

Wondering if Hurricane Smile if going to make shore fall.

 

[Tenth]

Bone Machine

Spent to much time living in the past today and might have brought the black dog home. I had to do a bunch of repetitive work that required no thought beyond being careful to avoid a paper cut. My mind wandered. People mostly (and anyone who reads this can likely guess who some of them were). Places and times as well. When I dwell in the past like that, it is never good. One foot ahead of the other the voice in my head says. Keep moving. So much ahead of you. But the load is heavy. I grow weary. Keep moving, you have to. To look down is to fall. I just want to rest. I want to shut down and taste oblivion. Feel nothing for a while You must keep moving. To falter now is not ever move one. So feet keep moving. Carrying me forward. Some days the path feels steeper, narrower, and more lonely.

-Tenth

I had other words to say, but they will have to wait it seems.

 

[Tenth]

Time Marches on

"I can sleep when I'm dead!" I declared last night at about 3:00 AM local time. Those sorts of proclamations are very easy to make at 3:00. Today I'm paying for it. I'm tired. I've got a headache (Not a migraine thank god, but just a normal headache). I have no one to blame but myself I suppose. In my attempts to have a life, I am pushing myself. I think though, that I'd rather be tired and getting out, than well rested and sitting at home. My mistake was to drink. I had not meant to, I had meant to go home about midnight. These things happen.

OK.... shift...

The California Supreme court has suspended the same sex marriages that have been taking place in my fair state. This infuriates me. I don't believe that being gay is any more of a choice than being straight, male, female, or who your ancestors were. It is wrong to discriminate on this basis. As for the argument that same sex marriages somehow invalidate traditional marriage, I just don't see it. If you can explain it to in some way besides simply falling back on "It's wrong" please do so. As yet I've not head a good argument (Oh, and the "Marriage is a MAN and a WOMAN" argument holds no water). Injustice angers me. It angers me that my gay friends are facing, what I feel is a form of persecution, based solely on who they are attracted to, who they love.

-Tenth

Going to take two aspirin relax, and not think for a while.

 

[Tenth]

Found Out About You

I'm pissed off. Maybe I've not right to, but I'm mad. I hate to make multiple post in a single day, but I'm mad. If you've been reading my post you know who Belle is, and what she meant to me. So bear with me, that wound gets reopened every so often. If your tired of hearing about it, stop right here I need to vent.

Tasha called tonight. We're both a little upset over the way Conflict has been treat her new boyfriend. She's always dated guys who were scum bags. She finds a nice guy and she treats him poorly. So Tasha and I discuss it a bit. The conversation turns to school, movies, etc. New years plans for the coming year come up, and discussion of last years festivities comes up. And then Tasha pauses mid-sentence, "I don't know if I should tell you this, I'm not sure how you'll react." If a close friend told you that. What would you say? Of course you'd want to know! And so I asked. She stuttered a few times and indicated she was looking for the right words. Suddenly I suspected that Tasha was going to do something insane like profess a secret love for me or something along those lines and I regretted asking her to continue. Nope, I was wrong. Apparently /NOW/ Belle is regretting breaking things off with me. Belle was apparently freaked out by New Years and by my behavior in being somewhat cold and distant, and mentioning other women. Apparently, for 10 FUCKING YEARS, I have been her "back up plan." I was fucking in love with her like I had never been before and have not been since, and I was a "Back up." I am angry. I am hurt. I would have done anything for her. Lord knows I tried. And yet she was always emotionally unavailable for me. There was always a wedge between us that I could not get a grip on. That I could not understand. Belle is /NOW/ apparently afraid of losing me. TO LATE! I am already lost to her. She hurt me worse than any person has ever done in my life. I am left with scars on my soul that I will carry to the end of this life and perhaps beyond. And I was a back up plan? Maybe these feelings are selfish. Maybe I'm wrong to be so angry, but I am. She knew I loved her, and she had a million chances. She chose to keep me in the wings. I feel like I've been strung along. Like a fish with a hook in it's gullet. The line snapped, but the hook still hurts.

-Tenth

Why did I open my mouth and ask.

 

[Tenth]

Last Dinosaur

Feeling more sane today. Still a little worked up. I dreamt of vampires attacking me. They were all women.

-Tenth

 

[Tenth]

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Ah... It's been a few more days of work. The prospect of having a job on my side of the hill is more and more appealing. It would be wonderful to cut my commute time to ten minutes or less /AND/ get rid of that evil highway 17 drive. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

It's been a weird week. St. Patrick’s day was in the middle of the week, thus precluding any interesting drinking stories to tell. Friday I'm going to see Henry Rollins do a spoken word show in Santa Cruz. Whaahoo. Should be a blast. I've seen him once before and it was well worth the price of admission.

I'm tired. It's been to warm to sleep. Also this little bit of pointless nothing about Belle (See two post up) has got me all riled up. It creeps into my thoughts now and then, and every time it makes me angry. Or it hurts. Or both. It really shouldn't, but it does. On two occasions co workers have walked past my desk, than back peddled in and asked if I was OK. "Yeah, I'll be fine." I replied both times. Both times they walked away looking like they didn't believe me. I will be fine. I just need to stop letting her have any hold over me. It's been way to long. While I am over her (For the most part) it's little things like this that remind me how fucked up our relationship was. How I spent so much time and effort on something that the other person apparently didn't feel was important enough to put any effort into. I think that is what hurts me. Not her, but the sensation that I wasted so much effort. That I was somehow strung along, and to wrapped up in it to notice. Someone recently told me that Belle taught me something in life, it prepared me for meeting someone else, and that there is a bright side to it all. Maybe not those exact words, but that was the intent I think. It's hard to see that from where I stand. What I can see is a lot of time and pain that I went through, and what feels like a mouth full of ash to show for it.

-Tenth

But I'm not bitter... I'm not... I swear... Why are you looking at me like that? ... OK maybe a little bitter... No, that's all I'll confess to right now.

 

[Tenth]

One Step Closer

Yesterday was surreal, intense, and exhausting. The Rollins show was awsome, but there was other stuff. I'll post something later, when I've had more than three hours of sleep.

-Tenth

My head hurts.