Why did you stop writing?

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#1
Hello all,

You know the hardest part about starting this thing is what to say first.... so I'm just going to jump in.

I'm an engineer in the Silicon Valley. I live on the coast in Santa Cruz. I love living here and I hate working in San Jose. But I won't get into either of those facts yet (Or maybe never).

For a long time I wrote. I wrote all through high school, and into collage. I wrote many short stories, a whole bunch of bad angst filled teenage poetry, and was working on a novel. One day I stopped. Just about that quick. And then the drive to write was gone. But why? I look back at that stuff and a lot of the fiction still seems pretty good to me.. So why stop?

I was happy.

All through Junior High and High School I was pretty much "The Weird Smart Kid." Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of friends, but I was a pretty miserable bastard. I grew up in a pretty small town, and the people I went to high school with had known me from day one of my educational career. Some from before. Once I got to collage, no one knew me. I made new friends and had a great time. Through school I tried to write, but if I wasn't miserable I didn't like what I had written. It lacked any edge. But occasionally (like after breaking up with a Girl who will hence forth be known as Fran than for no other reason that it's a name you don't hear much any more) I'd sit down and write something I liked.

So your saying to yourself, "Why's he telling me all this now?" Well, this year had been very strange and somewhat difficult (Again for reasons I won't get into yet... how's that for a tasteless teaser) and I've been really stuck in a rut. And I've started writing again. Which is good, but it means I've been depressed, which is bad. For now I will look on the up side, which is that maybe I'll produce something worth trying to publish.

So where is this Journal going? I don't know, I'm still finding it so to speak. I just hope that I can prove to be as insightful, interesting, and sometimes amusing as the rest of you.

-Tenth
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#2
The Good, the Bad, and some others..

"Life is Pain, anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something"-The Princess Bride

Last night a few of my friends were. CM and his Girlfriend DB along with The Giant and Nil (Forgive the strange names, but I don't want to use their real names) Anyway. I've met all of these people since I moved here. They are all pretty good people, but I don't feel particularly close to any of them. We hung out late watching moving and polishing off the beer that's been lurking in the fridge for about two weeks. The Giant and Nil left because they both had to work early, so CM, DB and myself all hung out talking. I like them both, but sometimes CM can be blunt to the point of insulting. Anyway we begin to talk, and the subject of love/dating/marriage/and children came up. The tow of them are thinking about getting married and were just bouncing the idea off people. I said if you think you'll be happy go for it. Then he looks at me and says "That's surprising coming from you." WTF? I'll admit I am a little bitter (OK maybe allot bitter) but I apply those thoughts to myself. Not those around me. One of my core beliefs is that what will make each of us is happy is different, and that is our responsibility as humans to 1) not hinder someone else trying to live there life, and 2) do what we can to help those around us. Being negative to everyone serves no purpose. OK, so my first post wasn't terribly positive... but that’s not what I usually show to people.... Any way. I know that my bitterness is evident in my behavior, but I've always thought it wasn't, well, broadcasting. So I sort of explain my believe above, and his reasons is, "What ever." But he kept giving me that I know what your thinking look... Grrr... I'm not sure why this upset me so much. But it did. I'll probably avoid CM and DB for a few days...

You know reading back over this it doesn't seem like it makes much since, but I'll just assume it's the sleep deprivation confusing my mind.... At 28 I need more sleep than I used to... Good god... maybe I'm starting to experience that whole "Getting Older" thing....

-Tenth

Media to check out: (I warn you I have some...different taste in movies and music, but I figured I'd share some of it with you so you can decide for your self if it's any good)

Donnie Darko: A film about a teenager in the late 80's who seems to be loosing his mind. I dig this film, Besides, it's got Frank, the worlds most evil looking bunny....
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#3
Slipery ahead....

Or at least that's what the sign said. I was driving into work. There was on of those signs that tell you the traffic and road conditions. It had warned me, but I was still flying along at about 10 over the speed limit... The car ahead of me breaks and so do I, ... All four tires lock up with a squeal. My truck decides to change lanes and I narrowly miss the gravel carrying Big Rig in the other lane. No damage done, but I pulled off the highway at the next exit and sat there for nearly 20 minutes until my hands stopped shaking.

It made me think. A lot about how little time any of us has here. It's not the first time I've had a close call. I used to deliver furniture and, when you drive all day long it's bound to happen. Every time I do pretty much the same thing, Swear I'm going to be more careful, I'm going to /LIVE/ my life rather than live it, and I'm going to be a better person in general. Of course two weeks later I'm zipping along at 85 swearing and cursing at the other drivers. This time I'm trying to stick with it for at least three weeks.

I think there have been enough signs that life is short, and can be cut much sorter with out warning. I need to do something. So I've given up a majority of meat in my diet. I'm not going strict vegetarian, but I' cutting meat down to once every two weeks or so rather than 5-6 times a week. I'm getting out and exercising and intend to go out and do more things I enjoy. Bringing me to...

One of my consuming passions is Paintball. It seems sort of militaristic at first glance but it is all about capture the flag. I've been playing for 5 years. But not to much in the past two. It's one of the things that really gets me going. I love the excitement of it. Also it's good exercise... Something I need more of since I sit at a desk drawing in CAD most the day. The fact that I'm single right now (Mind you it is a major factor in my general dissatisfaction in life) means I've got a lot of spare time and income to play. Hrmm.... I hope I live up to even half of the expectations I'm putting on myself.

It's occurred to me that in many ways this journal is much like the one I've been keeping for several years. Perhaps I'll post some of my better/more interesting entries here.

-Tenth

Media: Le Dernier Combat.... It's a strange French film set in a post apocalyptic future. The main character travels through this waste meet people, some friendly, some not so friendly. The strangest thing about this film is that there is not a single word of spoke dialog in its 93 minutes. I believe it is the first film that Luc Besson (La Femme Nakita, The Professional) made. It was filmed in the 70's in Black and White, but there is very little to indicate when it was filmed other than some dated clothing. Keep an Eye out for Jean Reno as the film's heavy.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#4
Topsy Twist

"What am I doing here... I'm chasing this guy *BLAM* or he's chasing me" -Memento

Well, The Giant got in a pretty serious motor cycle accident yesterday. He manage to get away with a concussion. A bunch of us were supposed to play cards last night when The Giant and Nil never showed. We started watching movies. Then, Mid way through a movie The Giant and Nil walk in (I never leave my door locked while I'm awake, and it's a long standing policy of my friends to simple walk in, If I want pricavy I'll lock it) The Giant's got white bandages on his arms and looks a little more dissheveled than usual. And Nil is shaking his head. "Guess Where I've been?" The Giant asks in a loud cheerful voice. When non of us answered he belts out, "The hospital!" Apparently he doesn't remember the entire day and part of the preceeding week. We watched him (the doc said keep him contious for 24 hours) for a while and talked. The weird thing is that he was forgetting anything longer than 10 minutes or so.... Like he wasn't making new memories, Which I guess he wasn't. It was very sureal, he was supposed to go paintballing this morning with me, but I forbad him from going (I suspect strongly that even if he remembered he wouldn't have been in any condition to).

I suspect he'll be physicaly fine, but I worry a little about him. This is his third accident in less than a year. All of them have destroyed his motorcycle, and somehow he has gotten away with a little road rash, and now a concussion. Frankly I don't want one of my friends to get himself killed. I don't want to speak at the funeral of one of my friends any time soon, we're all to young to be dying... I hope he's more careful in the future.

Than this morning the Comlumbia disaster. I've been having flashbacks to Junior high, and the challenger disaster. I was in homeroom, bummed out because we weren't going to be able to see it due to a problem with the TV in the class room. Our teacher was going to just do a math lesson or what erever it was he had plannend when the Principel came over the PA and told us apll what had happened, and than played the radio coverage for us all. I remember durring recess standing out side and saying to a friend that He and I were going to remember this for as long as we lived. I remember the reporter describing the debris coming down "Like Giant white snow flakes" Every time I see it snow now that line, and the uneven tremor in the reporter's voice, as though he were on the virg of crying, pops into my head. Strange, that that one line of all that I heard stuck in my head.

There are two women in my life who I'm not sure how I feel about, I like them bothe, but I'm not sure what exactly I feel. Our iteractions are mostly just frienly, but often drift in to grey areas of more. So why bring that up?

Simple,

Everytime I become complacent in life lately, and think of perhaps persuing either of them farther I stop myself, not sure if I want to deal witht he possible rejection, But between The Giant's accident, and The Colombia disaster and all the horrible things that have shown how short life can bee in th past two years I've been feeling that live is to short to fuck around and let those little fears control you. To much is to precious and can be lost so quickly to no act. Here's to action.

And here's to the families of the fallen astronaughts. May their greif pass and may they remember those lost family member always fondly.

-Tenth

Media:
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen-It's something light hearted to put a cap on this week, and maybe dull the edge.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#5
uggg...

Working alot of over time... so tired...

-Tenth

Wow Gypsy, I just read you post. :( I wish you the best of luck...
 
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Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#6
Lemons

"When Life hands you lemons, say ohh yeah, I like lemons, what else you got?" -Henry Rollins

Sometime it's not about winning the fight, sometimes it's about just being able to take the hit. It's been a rough week at work. I've worked a bunch of over time and been hounded nearly nonstop by angry customers and questioning bosses. I work best when I'm left alone to finish what I start and am not interrupted. That has not happened at all, it's been a free for all. I can't sit down for ten minutes before someone is looking for me. Ug, I need a break. I've sat down and tried to work on a short story, but I can't focus, I'm too burned out. I try to write ten minutes a day or longer, but all I do is stare at the screen of my laptop for a few minutes and then give up.

Life is sending messages. In the past week I have learned of three people who died of heart attacks. On fellow employee (In another office... I didn't know her) and two friends of friends. I had already vowed to cut a lot of meat from my diet, now I resolve to eat move fruit and veggies as well. No more pizza.

I get depressed sometimes. Sometimes I believe that I might benefit from talking to a doctor about it, but I can't bring myself to do it. All while I was growing up signs of weakness were frowned upon, and I've gotten pretty good at not showing any. It's silly... Something I could probably benefit from being avoided because it seems weak. I judge myself far more harshly than those around me, and I hate weakness in myself. If others have weaknesses I can forgive them, even if their weaknesses have affected me. Being weak is part of the human condition, but in myself... Totally unacceptable. I tend to think of depression as a Black Dog, and when I feel down.. .really down, the sort of funk that sticks for days I often think of it as "Having the Black Dog bite." ug.. .OK I'm rambling... and maybe not making much sense...

I'm still very tired.

-Tenth

Media: "Amnesia Moon" By Jonathan Letham, And interesting book that is difficult to describe without giving to much away. It's about dreams and affecting the dreams of others. It's about the search for self. It's about Chaos.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#7
what Dreams may come

"Whoa"-Neo, the Matrix

I had a dream last night, about a girl I dated for a few months when I was 19. We never slept together, And I don’t know if I loved her in a romantic sense, but she was dear to me and occasionally I miss her. I heard that she got married (From the mutual friend in the dream) But I have spoken with her in 5 years. I’ve heard her husband is a good guy (I think I might have met him once) but is a little jealous of the guys she dated before they met. I hope everything is going good for her.

I dreamt that I was Skateboarding (Something I haven't done since junior high). I was riding a half pipe. 12 foot walls, smooth Formica like particle board surface. The sky was a perfect blue, and beyond the walls of the ramps I could see green fields. I was ripping it up. I moved with the sort of grace you only have in a dream. I pulled moves that would have put Tony Hawk to shame. I was soaring above the lips of the ramps, spinning like a whirlwind, and landing perfectly every time. And the Fran was there. She was sitting on top of one half of the half pipe. At the end, just watching. She had a baby with her. She could have been there for a long time I don't know. I continued my skating, but the tricks I was pulling were much more tame because I had the feeling she wanted to say something. She began to speak to me as I rode the ramps. The baby just watched on with wide bluer than blue eyes, grinning, fascinated by my movement. Fran was very calm. Almost Zen like, a state I can never remember her being in. She asked about a mutual friend, and what she was doing. She asked how I liked my job and if I was happy. She asked if I had a girlfriend and told me not to worry about the fact I was single. The baby occasionally giggled during the conversation, just watching my tricks. Fran and I talked for a while, about a lot of subjects, but finally she stood up and held the baby out so I could get a good look at her as I did a big air trick right next to the pair and she said "I'm sorry, but I have got go now. It's been really good talking to you Tenth, Your a good person." And then she disappeared from the ramp. I road a little longer, reveling in a level of talent I never possessed and then it struck me how strange the whole thing was. I ground the skateboard to a stop at the bottom of the half pipe and looked up where Fran had been sitting, but the sun was now where she had been shining in my eyes. I but my hand up to block the rays of light. It was than that I woke up...

Do you think dreams mean anything or are they just mental dumping grounds?

-Tenth

Media: “Whine De Lune” by Trailer Bride. Sort of an alternative-country fusion that sounds wholly original. The tunes are weird and haunting an while I will always be a metal head at heart this CD had been a frequent player for over a year now.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#8
Overpressure releif valve

"Once off the path you do what you can to eat. You keep moving." -Way Of the Gun

Well, Here we are again, but where is that. Just another day. I didn't feel well this morning and called in sick. I ate some Jambalaya that I think had been in the fridge to long. I still feel pretty funky. So I stayed home and watched movies and read. I'm not tired anymore. I feel like I've finally caught up on my sleep. A small meracal in it's self.

Valentine’s day is coming. Friday is V-day. I'm single. I'm really not up tight about it though. A lot of single people I know get really bitter about Valentines Day. An old roomie of mine used to call it "Single Person's Awareness Day." Personally I rent a bunch of old slasher flicks (Usually "My Blood Valentine" and "The Stepfather") and invite all he single folks I know over (Couples are allowed to, but they've usually got other plans). OK, maybe it's a little weird, but it's all in fun. Somehow over the years, through fate or conspiracy I have managed to be single on every Valentine’s Day of my life. I have broken up with someone a few weeks before and gotten back together with them a few weeks after, but have never been with someone on Valentine's Day. I'd enjoy the opportunity to make some sort of romantic gesture, but have never had the chance. I'll cope :) Really, to me, it is just another day.

-Tenth

Media: "The Fog" by John Carpenter. It's defiantly and 80's movie. It’s bout a small coastal town that is terrorized by a mysterious fog. The film is at its heart a ghost story. There aren't many "Big Scares," but it is steeped in atmosphere. It's a whole lot of fun to curl up with a bowl of popcorn and this movie on a stormy night. What ever you do don't go into the fog.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#9
Arf!

"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of other's suffering
Or you'll find that you are joining in
The turning away"
-"On the turning away," Pink Floyd

Ug... Not feeling well today. I think it was the leftovers I ate for dinner.

First off, I finally figure out the whole PM thing I want to thank those of you who've sent comments, I just figured out how to read them today. Normally I'm pretty computer literate... But for some reason I never figured it out until today.

On the up side I've been working on a short story again. Somehow, I never write what I intended to in the first place. I tend to write in the following format, 1) develop characters 2) throw then into a situation, 3) see what happens. Sometime I get some good stuff doing this, some time I get some real dogs that arte hard to read. A class mate in a fiction writing class I took complained to me that when she did this the characters "Got out of control" what ever that means. When I write if a character goes in an unexpected direction I'll run with it for a little bit, but if it isn't going any where I rewind, throw out the page or so, and begin again with a little tighter grip on the reigns. Characters can have their own personalities, and when I write I think "What would they do?" but ultimately as the writer you are in control. My biggest problem as a writer (From my perspective) is often supporting characters are more interesting to write about than the mains. *SHRUG* haven’t figured out a good way around that yet.

Outside of all that life has been. Weekdays I rarely see people out of work. I may have ranted about this before, but my 3 hours of commute time a day does eat into my schedule quite a bit. I'm not bitter though. (Ok maybe a little) most the time it's not really an issue.

Hope all you out there are doing well.

-Tenth

Media:
Rushmore-About a kid named Max attending the Rushmore academy. He's an all out over achiever when it comes to school social activities, and an under achiever when it comes to classes. He falls for one of his teachers and hijinx ensue as he face off against Bill Murry's character (Who is a romantic rival). The film is best summed up as "Bittersweet" IMHO. This is a movie I can watch over and over. It's by the same director as "The Royal Tenenbaums"
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#10
Signs of the times

"Son, We livein a world that has walls, and those walls have to be protected by men with guns." -Col. Nathan R. Jessup, "A few Good Men"

But is it right?

I can't say. I've never felt that violence was the answer, but when I've been pushed I've lashed out. In Junior high I got in sever fights. I was sticking up for myself, I didn't start it, but no violence just lead to more harassment. After kicking the shit out of a couple of my classmates I was left alone. My friends were still there, and the other students treated me, if any different at all, with more respect.

I have a Black Belt now. Despite the urban legend, I didn't have to register my hands as deadly weapons. Sure it taught me how to fight, but a lot of the philosophy was to avoid a fight. Violence is /THE/ last resort.

So what?:confused:

So I'm thinking about the world right now. The is so much going on. The possibility of war in Iraq and North Korea frightens me. There has always been something to be frightened of in the world, Thieves, murderers, mad men, but I grew up learning to cope with those things. This, this global situation of fear is new. Do I let it change my life? No. I do the same things I've always done. If something happens it happens. Does it bother me? Hell yes. Dealing with problems in life is a balancing act. This is one more thing thrown in the mix. I'm trying to cope, but it's taking its toll on me. Work has been stress full enough with out all of the turmoil in the world. This extra stress. I wonder how much more I can take. I feel like an old shirt. Worn, thread bare. It doesn't have any holes in it yet, but as soon as one forms several others will form quickly.

There was a peace protest in San Francisco yesterday. 250,000 people showed up. Some of the crowd vandalized and caused trouble. But most were, well, peaceful. The world is taking a strange turn. The news coverage of this protest looked like footage from some of the protest from the Vietnam war. I wonder if this uncertainty that I feel is what my parents felt during the Vietnam war, as my father wondered weather he'd be called back into active duty, and my mother wondered if her new husband was going to be taken away from her and killed in a foreign land.

I'm in a dark place right now. I'm not going to watch the news this week. It gets me to worked up. The black dog a tenacious grip.

My mother has said that I was always a "Serious" child. I have always hated seeing others suffer, and I fear that we are in a time when suffering will become all to common.

-Tenth

Media:
"Dog Soldiers"-It's soldiers Vs. Werewolves in B-Movie action from Scott Land. Far better than expected. Pure escapism. Just what I needed today.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#11
Hurt..... wheeeeeee!

"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had" -Tears for Fears, Mad World

I love this song... Although I like the Gary Jules version from the Donnie Darko Soundtrack. Feeling better about things today. Turning off the TV and sticking my head in the sand has done wonders for my mood. I did some writing today instead of watching TV. I believe that this was a sound plan and intend to do so for the rest of the week.

A second vow is to now drink an untold number of shots of Sake on a night before I plan to go paintball. The waiter stopped charging after 4 and I know it was a lot more. In the morning I had a cotton ball in my mouth and dozens of pixies with large hammers working over my skull. I think that general state helped contribute to the over all tone of my last post.

OK I try not to suck, But it's possible. Check out ktthequeen's list here and let me know if I'm guilty ;) I've always been my own harshest critic.

OK, Go out, have fun, and do things I wouldn't do (Which is probably a pretty short list)

-Tenth

Media:
NIN's "Hurt Covered by Johnny Cash. It kicks ass with both feet. Here's a link to the video. but I warn you it's huge, on the 30 mg scale. Find the MP3 somewhere if you can't handle the bandwidth for the video. Normally I'm a heavy metal hard rock kind of guy, but something about this is just cool.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#12
Eye wide open

"The Horror, The Horror." -Col. Kurtz, Apocalypse Now

For the past three hours I have had a waking nightmare. Not one of my own, but that of another man. A surreal experience of fire and mud, light and dark.

I just watched Apocalypse Now: Redux. I had not seen the film since I was 18, and then a lot of it was lots on me. For three hours tonight I watched a decent to madness. I was riveted to the screen. I had meant to only watch part but could not tear myself away. I like movies. I watch a lot of them. Few have affected me this way. It didn't feel so much like a movie as an experience. It was difficult to watch at points, but like a car wreck I could not turn away. If you like film and have never seen this one go and rent it.... It's dark and horrible, and I cannot sit through it again any time soon, but you owe it to yourself to see it.

Before that the day was exceedingly average. I'm still sort of soaking the film in. Devouring small bits. The images. Burned into retina. Will be there tonight. waiting for sleep to drag themselves across the edge of my mind. I will dream Vietnam tonight weather I want to or not.

I stare at the keyboard not knowing what else to say. Much has happened since I last posted here, but most of it the mundane things in life. I work, I sleep. No mad sake adventures this week. I will return tomorrow, once my mind has settled and has returned to the world of Santa Cruz.

It’s knocked me for a loop.

-Tenth

Media:
Do you have to ask?
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#13
Life... and... I can't think of anything clever today

"God knows I don't want to be an angel" -Rammstein, Engel (Angel)

Yup I was a metal head. I still love the heavy stuff. Don't get me wrong, as I've gotten older my taste have broadened quite a bit, but anything that you can feel the rage and anger gets me going. Early Metallica, Selpultura, System of a Down, etc. I only mention it because it was metal day for me at work. I sat down infront of the computer, put the headphones on and cranked it. Days like this I get twice as much done as usual. the tempo of the music gets me going fast. It may not be art, but I like it.

Of course my all time favorite bad is Pink Floyd. Go figure.

OK I mentioned two women a while back, and mentioned I might talk about them here. OK I'm gonna discuss one of them now. For give me if I ramble, but it's a pretty long story. I'll keep it as short as I can. I will call her "Belle."....

OK in a strange twist she called me as I was typing this ...

Anyway. I met her about 11 years ago. We hit it off right away. Not love at first sight, but we got along quite well. Ah, but I had a rival (Unknown to me) in the for of a good friend of mine. After a few ugly weeks he moved on. Time went on and what was between me and Belle turned into a weird on/off thing. It felt to me as though we were only an item when it was convenient for her. I should have backed off and stayed just friends with her, but I was young and inexperienced with relationships. Over the years the on off pattern continued with the on periods becoming shorter and shorter, and the off periods becoming longer. It seemed though that when ever I began to get involved with another woman she became much more friendly. Now if she had ever dated anyone else during this period it would have been easier for me to move on, but she never was involved with anyone else. So what? I don't know. She's gotten closer to me than any one else. I'm a very closed person, I have allot of friends and acquaintances, but very few people ever get very close to me. (A nice side benefit of this journal, and perhaps not a side benefit, but the very reason for it's existence is that I can use it as a dumping ground for all the stuff I usually keep bottled up inside). At any rate, The thing that really drove me nuts about Belle was that when we were together, alone, she was a very different person than with our friends. Alone she was available, sweet, and compassionate. With the rest of our friends it was a little like a wall slid up between us. Not that she acted that different, it's just that there was a distance there that wasn't when we were together. I'm not a clingy person. I don't think I ever crossed any lines about public displays of affection (I pretty much draw the line in public at a quick kiss... IMHO more is... well... tacky). Bu she could make me feel like I had with a glance.

So? What I'm trying to say is I was very emotionally wrapped up in person who 1) didn't know what she wanted 2) couldn't handle any level of emotional intimacy, or 3) was using me because I was willing and available. I hate to think I was used.

Belle has managed to cause me more emotional suffering than every other woman I've known combined, and despite the fact that she lives far away now, and I've been hurt bad by her before I know I would go back for more, and that bugs the hell out of me. I hate weakness remember? With her I am at my weakest. I always thought we'd work through what ever it was that was between us that kept us apart, and the thought of her with someone else drives me nuts despite the fact we've spent little time together in the past three year.

Perhaps I should have worked on disentangling myself from her. Maybe there might me a chance still, maybe I'll meet someone else who isn't emotionally damaged, maybe she never new how deeply she affected me. maybe....

Maybe...

Maybe I need to face reality and move on, Maybe my fucked up relationship with her prevented me from meeting other people, Maybe I'm the one who’s fucked up because I can't seem to move on, not really.

I profess often that I am so over her.

But I'm not. My feelings are different now. Not living near Belle for 3 years has managed to give me some critical distance. I think I can move on, but there is a certain familiarity, a pattern with her that is painful, but comfortable on a certain level. I look back at the good times we had with a bittersweet filter.

In an earlier post I said I wanted to tell her something. It is this: I've loved you, I love you, and I probably always will. I will always cherish those good times we had, but I need to move, and I will. I can always be your friend, but not more.

I still think she has no concept as to how much she has affected me.

-Tenth

OK reading over this post it has a bit of a WhAAAAAAAAAAA Meeeeeeeee! whine tone to it I don't particularly like, but it'll be my last whiner post for a while.

Media:
"Chasing Amy"- The classic Kevin Smith movie is the picture of the dysfunctional relationship. I love this move. In many ways it makes me think of Belle, She wasn't a lesbian, and didn't have the history, but we had enough problems already. Kevin Smith was once asked if he was going to do an Sci-Fi, his response, "I already have. Chasing Amy, just ask any Lesbian, there is no way that would ever happen."
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#14
The Dryer rant....

" "Creativity" is one of those words, or concepts, which seems plain enough, even simple, till you start fixing your eye on it. Then, like "innocence" or "internationalism" or "love," it begins to swell up like a cloud into something that fills the whole sky of meaning, and darkens it, and comes to signify everything or nothing." (from The Creative Writer, 1966)

The dryer rant...

I live in an apartment. All the units share the same two washer and dryer sets. For the entire last week I've been trying to get in to do a load of laundry. Finally tonight the washers are free, but the dryers.... oh the dryers. One has a broken timer and if left it will run for upwards of three hours. The other had a note on it that reads "Broken: Danger! Do not use" and has for about a month. So the woman downstairs who /FREAKS OUT/ if someone takes her stuff out of the dryer had had her stuff running in there since 5:30 this afternoon! It's Ten o’clock, I need to sleep and all of the bedding and most of my cloths are soaking wet wadded up onto the dryer... .Waiting.... Ug... OK I'm calm now. At least I can sleep in tomorrow.

-Tenth

Media:
UHF-It's what happens when "Weird Al" is allowed to make a movie... and an excellent example of why it must never happen again. It's weird, disjointed, cheesy, incredibly random, and for some reason I love it.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#15
Still around

Very strange, For the past few weeks my ISP was telling me that all of this wonderful site was 404... :(

Today I thought I'd give it a last chance before deleting my links to it, and there you go, my ISP has deemed it accessible. Glad to find you all still here. I was beginning to miss these little moments.

-Tenth
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#16
Forest For The Trees

"The Man in Black fled across the desert, and The Gunslinger Followed." Stephen King, The Dark Tower

The first line of one of my favorite books. For many years I felt that he would never complete the series (Four of 7... or so... books have been published if your not familiar with it). I've read recently that he plans to, and by the publishing schedules I've seen it looks like they will be the last of his books to be published. I heard once (And I'm not entirely sure that this is true) that The dark tower was the first book he wrote (the first published was Carrie). If it's true, than it would be fitting to end his career with it.

But damn, what a great first line. It grabs your attention and pulls you in. It sets up the story and poses lots of questions. Who is The Man In Black? Who is the Gunslinger? Why is he chasing the Man In Black? And as each is answered, more questions are revealed. In the end all of Mr. Kings books can tie into he story on a certain level. I think it was "Insomniac" that had a dream tied to the series, and I remember another reference as well, not to mention references to "The Stand" and other of his books within the series it's self... Almost as if the story of Roland (the Gunslinger) is the back bone of almost everything else he's written. I hope that the final books live up to the previous ones.

On to my own writing...

I've pulled out my Laptop Computer. I bought it two years ago, and it was my primary machine until I built my desktop about a year ago. Since that time it's been collecting dust for the most part. So, after dusting it off and recharging the battery I've been using it for writing. I've never been able to write in a desk chair. I've always done best in a nice comfortable chair with a cup of coffee handy. Part 2 of the plan. To write for at least 10 minutes a day (And posting here doesn't count). If I only write ten minutes a day, and even nothing coherent I will at least be writing. It's difficult to be a writer when one doesn't write. Whish me luck on this endeavor, motivation is something that often fails me.

And finally...

The trees. I love the forest. I have been considering putting in for a transfer to another part of the state where I would be able to do things like own a home, but if I do I will miss the forest of the Santa Cruz mountains. It was raining pretty good this morning, so at about 9:00 AM I went to a trail near my apartment and went for a short hike. No raingear. Just let the rain soak me. It was great. It was freakin' cold. I loved every minute of it. I love being the only person out there among the trees, the only sound the hush of rain against the foliage. It's peaceful.

Everyone take a piece of that calm with you tomorrow. It so rare it’s got to be worth something.

-Tenth

Media:
"Wish you Were Here" by Pink Floyd It's my all time favorite album (Yeah, I know, I was a metal head, but I like the mellow stuff as well) I particularly like "Shine on you Crazy Diamond" Nice, mellow, and a touch sad.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#17
Mean Green Machine

"In the garage
I feel safe
No one cares about my ways" -In The Garage,
Weezer

Another day, a new work week. The day of work was pretty normal. A lot of time in front of the computer. the ride home was dominated by the Presidents broadcast, Dredging up images of 1991. I hope that my friends over seas in the military are safe and remain so. That's all I'll say. I've already worried that bone one this forum already.

It's St. Patty's! Whee, I'm half Irish so a typical St. patty's day is... well typical. But not this year. I have to be up at 5:30 to get to work, and skipping work is not an option. Neither is showing up hung over. *SIGH* I'm not a drinker for the most part, A beer now and then, but once a year I let my self get pretty hammered. Not this year. Probability for the best in the long run. No one to go out with tonight anyway.

OK, a small rant. It seems that since leaving school it has become very difficult to meet people. In school there were always classes and labs to meet people in. Even without those you were nearly constantly surrounded with people close to your own age. Since finishing school 3 years ago I have met very few people. Admittedly I don't mind time to myself, I have a slightly anti-social aspect to my personality that makes me enjoy the time alone, but after three years it's starting to feel like to much time. I have friends here, I see them on the weekend, but weekdays, outside of work (Where I am the youngest employee by about 25 years) I don't see people. My dream (Posted above) eluded to the fact I've been single for a while... 3 years... and even before that, what I had with Belle was less than Ideal. But in three years I've failed to meet any women I've been interested in (Ant to be honest very few who were even single) One of my few female friends recommended the whole internet dating service thing to me... that where she met her current beaux, but the whole thing felt very strange and rang false to me and I canceled my account after a few weeks. What's a socially acceptable ex-metal head semi-geek to do?

Anyway, If I can't get hammered tonight I'm at least going to drink a Guinness and watch a movie.

-Tenth

Media:
"The Sand Man" -Neil Gaiman, This was a long running comic by DC Comics, and is now available in collected volumes. A friend of mine who is a hard core comic geek recommended it as a comic for people who weren't necessarily comic geeks. I read the first volume and was hooked. It's a mix of fantasy and mythology (With an occasional bout of horror Mixed in) the blends into a wonderful, engaging story. It's not your parents comic.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#18
"On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won´t understand
"Don´t accept that what´s happening
It´s just a case of others suffering
Or you´ll find that you´re joining in
The turning away"

It´s a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it´s shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we´re all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new winds of change
On the wings of the night

No more turning away
>From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
>From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It´s not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there´ll be
No more turning away?"

-Pink Floyd,
on the turning away

I gave money to a girl I think was a runaway this morning. I rode the bus over the hill into San Jose. I got coffee from the snack shop in the train station where the bus lets us off. As I walked out a young girl... maybe 15 or 16 was standing against the chain link fence around the continual construction. She wore all black. A hooded sweater was pulled up over her head, and her hands pulled into the ends of her sleeves. As I approached I wasn't giving her a second thought... she didn't look like the usual homeless looking for money (I've nothing against them, Life can be rough, and a series of bad breaks can tumble a person pretty far before they know what's happening). She stepped away from the fence into my path. "Please mister can you spare a few bucks?" I was about to shake my head a mutter "sorry," but something struck me. First she said please. There was a desperate pleading quality to her eyes that I've rarely seen in the eyes of the local homeless. Second, She was scared. And why wouldn't she be? It was 6:30 AM in San Jose by the Rail Road tracks. The sun hadn't yet come up, but judging by the bags under her eyes she had not yet had any sleep. Finally, I am not the most friendly, approachable person. I'm tall, 6'6" and a big guy. My face is often hard set in a harsh scowl at that time in the morning, not from anger of a foul disposition, but after years of getting messed with by people in school because I was always the tallest, it is a natural expression for me when I am thinking of nothing else. "Please," She said again. He voice quivering. Here eyes began to well over with tears. The rest came out in a rush, "I need it for a bus pass I... *SNIFF* I'm *SNIFF* stuck and I... *SNIFF*" I set down my coffee I pulled a few bucks out of my wallet, "Take it," I said, "You look like you need it more than I do." She reached out for the money and took it quickly. "Thankyou,ohthankyou." it came out as a long jumbled single word. She dashed toward the building where you buy bus and train passes. I watched her tot he door. She didn't look back. I hope that the few dollars I gave here helped. The cynical side of my says I hope I didn't get scammed, but I think she looked to desperate to be scamming me. I hope she's somewhere warm and safe tonight.

-Tenth

Media:
Any spoken word stuff by Henry Rollins. It's all good.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#19
The Rents....

"It is better to do the hard right, than the easy wrong." -My Father

My father told me that when I was a teenager. I believe he said it was a sign in the barracks when he was in the military. He said that as long as you do the right thing, you can always answer for your actions. When You do the wrong thing, you have no ground to stand on. I try to live my life doing the right thing.

My parents were both school teachers. They were always involved in my life, and concerned for me. I wasn't always happy about it, but in retrospect I think I'm a better person for their attempts at being parents. We weren't the Norman Rockwell home. We had our share of disputes, disagreements, and screaming arguments, but we were, and are, a family.

Hrmm... I felt there was more to say when I started writing this, but now... I don't know. I was going to write about family, but now the words don't feel right.

Remember those moments from childhood that shine.

It raining again here. I'm going to go out into the woods, quiet and dark, and listen for a while.

-Tenth

Media:

"O Brother, Where art thou" The great depression, prison escapes, The odyssey, and Dapper Dan. It a great journey through the myth of the American south. Relax, and enjoy. It's good stuff.
 

Tenth

Tenth Is Tenth
#20
More Dream stuff

"It's easier not to be wise." -Live I alone

I have a couple of reoccurring dreams. I have had a pair of nightmares involving being hunted by some sort of lizard cat creature since I was ten or so. I always wake up right before it catches, still almost able to feel it's hot breath. The other involves a woman. Not a sex dream mind you, just sort of a feeling of closeness with her. I've dreamt about her maybe a dozen times in my life, and the dream are always pretty similar. We're together, going somewhere. Maybe we're married, maybe not. We just talk and laugh, and maybe curl up and watch TV. She's not anyone I've ever met, and moments after I wake it would be difficult to describe her beyond the fact that she has long, straight, black hair. I dreamt of her last night for the first time in several years.


Fran was into past lives, spirits, etc. She thought that this woman was a lover or wife from a past life and that we were destined to meet again. Personally I believe that dreams are the minds way of unleashing all the random crap that builds up during the day, replenish your capacity for thought, and fulfillment of deep hopes and dreams.

I'm not waiting for her, I don't even think she's real, but if by chance I were to walk down the street and see here I would defiantly say hi and try to strike up a conversation. But if it were her, she would strike one up with me.

-Tenth

Media:

"Dry Water" by Eric s. Nylund. A struggling writer gets caught up in an age old struggle between good and evil. It's a well written quick read, and a whole lot of fun.
 
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