Trials of Chastity

[Yonphi]

Nature's Penalty

Apparantly there's a study doing it's rounds on the talk radio circuit I patronize. It's about height.

A few years ago a one-hit-wonder female performer had a song with one pertinent message: "Don't want no short man."

While for some reason google has failed me in its search for a link to the study, it demonstrates that men under the height of the average of, um, I think it was 5'10 or something like that, generally have worse lives than their taller counterparts. Not only do taller men end up statistically in more positions of power and respect, but short men end up getting paid less, suffer from more depression and ailments, and... you guessed it, date sporatically.

And I love the variety I get on talk radio. On the one side Rush Limbaugh used it to illustrate the absurdity that perhaps people should push for children who are growing up to be short should be given HGH to ensure that they are tall. And then, on the other side, Howard Stern discussed it and it was agreed that short men are angry and will fight at the drop of a hat.

I'm not sure which is more entertaining, but I do know one thing. I'm under average height. I bet you never saw that coming.

Now that I mention it and think about it, though, it makes a bit of sense. WTF is significantly taller than I am, and meeting him before reminded me of a lot of myself. E5H is taller than me, from pictures I had to endure (normally I wouldn't mind, but it's quite different when between each picture she sighs and says how much she loves him and misses him). Groovy Girl (who I didn't see on Monday... she just didn't go) 's boyfriend is tall. The more I think about female friends and their boyfriends and/or significant others the more I realize that not one of them has been shorter than I am. And the thing is, I'm not even that short: just 5'8".

...

What's next? My hair color? Ah, well, I'm trying to illustrate a point here.

Of course, nobody's going to tell me that height matters. I'll be told that it doesn't. I don't mean that it's intentionally, it's partly tapping into the primal desires of women, and how I want to get there someday.

But there's really no point over mulling about this one. Height is height. The dealer of the cards, Nature, clearly doesn't want me to be well equipped there.

Then again, The Sharper Image has shoes that are designed to increase a guy's height. I wonder. And that's all I'll do because I definitely can't afford super-pricey shoes these days.

 

[Yonphi]

Nature's Assault

Much like a group of cards that spans one base expansion and two expansion expansions in Magic, this one will be not of nature's penalty at birth, but, rather, current assault.

My new car (first year of ownership, I'll call it new for at least that time) has a little moonroof. I don't know what the difference is between that and a sunroof, but I use it mostly at night to gaze at the stars when I am compelled to pull over in a dark area and look up.

For some reason I feel very compelled to look at the night sky. I do have some formal astronomical training, it was one of my non-physics sciences I took in college. The professor is a really nice guy, too. Plays the guitar. Too bad he was a for-real hippie and not just some groovy guy with a beard and 'stache. If I have to hear about Spaceship Earth one more time I'm gonna break its tail-lights. Besides, everyone knows it's Computer Earth, not Spaceship Earth.

But I do have to make time for my star gazing. I guess it's getting trickier in the summer because the days are longer. I love laying on the roof of my parent's place, I loved breaking onto rooftops on campus before the whole security stuff became important, even climbing up on the rooftop of the apartments I lived at before. Pleasure. And it helps that the stuff started with E5 while it was dark and in star-gazing areas.

Anyway, I had opened this moonroof during the day and noticed something at a stop light. In the rearview mirror I had a glance at the corner of my forehead. And it hit me.

Fuck you. I'm starting to bald? Fuck you!!!

I'm really too young for that to start. Honestly, now. And my biology teacher lied to me when she told the class that the gene is passed on the mother's side. My maternal grandfather has a full head of white hair.

At first I attributed it to my hair growing out... those who have long hair I notice they shed a lot of it. So I figured it was the same type of thing.

It's really really depressing. And let me tell you know that my hair is super soft and healthy. All I use is Pert Plus and that's it. I only briefly pat it dry and never blow dry or use chemicals like gel or mousse. Those brave enough to touch it are always surprised about how nice it is. And, frankly, I love being touched. Doesn't happen too often, but when it does I love it.

So nature has begun her assault to take out an asset I have. The thing is, hair doesn't always matter, but at this point I don't exactly need anything adding on the negative points. I'm bad enough as it is, evidently.

Rogaine is already in my possession, thanks to my father who swears by the stuff. Thing is, I can see his head. And it hurts, on the inside. Even though it's just the inevitable deterioration of the outside.

 

[Yonphi]

Clutter

There is benefit in a clean slate: literally. Since I've moved I had to give up my large and difficult-to-use-in-smaller-space dry erase board. I had grown accustomed to not writing grocery lists on it, jotting down quick bits of inspiration, things like that. Instead I've got a scattering of notes to myself on receipts and bits of paper from work.

I've got this mousepad, real swank. It's a Ratpadz, and I've had it for quite a while (http://www.ocwarehouse.com/reviews/ratpadz.htm )... can't link to the official site since they have a new model that does not reflect what I possess. Paired this up with some lovely tape that was coated in teflon (or just some other slick plastic polymer) covering the feet of this mouse, I have quite a platform for precision mousing. Games? Sure. CAD? Sure. It was actually just nice to have such a large amount of mouse real estate in which to play around with.

Slowly my desk has become overrun with these little notes that have no organization since I'm just not used to it... I used to write down stuff where I find space and follow up thoughts are close to the original ones as a map of thinking, but now it's just a scattering of paper. And slowly all this mouse real estate was disappearing.

Today I tossed a bunch of them. I did, in fact, get a mini dry-erase board and cork board combo as a gift for no apparant reason the other day. I have yet to really make use of it because it's call and a little inconvenient since I had to pick a wall and stick it there. It's got stuff on it, but they've been on it for a few weeks already.

And I cleaned my mouse out. Really scraped off all the roller grime. It's super easy if you open the whole mouse up. Seriously. You don't have to go throught that little incision on the bottom.

I feel a need to seriously uncomplicate my life all of a sudden. But I havn't the slightest idea on how to do it without compromising that which I seek. I'm in a total kissy mood, and it's getting to me tonight. I just can't bring myself to go anywhere. I will, in fact, go somewhere. Like usual I'll probably either hit the arcade or the bookstore. Like usual I'll probably scope out a few leads and decide not to follow through. But tonight it's really forced. I just want to stay in and hope they get around to playing some Star Trek tonight. Things get complicated, and in less than an hour it's all fixed.

I want to be all fixed.

 

[Yonphi]

You Jus' Full Of Surprises

Every so often I mull about hoping for something new, something dynamic, something to shake up the world I'm used to. It could be something exciting and wonderful and new like a blowjob or something, but most of the time, when my wish is fulfilled, it's completely boring. Or the shake-up is just inconvenient.

Cleaning out my closet (no jokes here, please) I found a box with some RAM. I cheerfully ran over to my main computer to install it all... I had forgotten I had it. Good sticks, too. I would say a total of 384 Megs just sitting around doing nothing. And yes, my main computer is running with SDRAM. Now, while I like working on my computer, I don't like working on my computer. Very dusty, a lot of stripped screws that I can't replace because they've got a weird threading size, and the tangle of cables. I've got a CD-ROM drive, DVD-ROM drive, CD-R drive, and three hard drives, all splashed between 2 SCSI devices and 4 IDE devices. And a Live! Drive breakout box. And a floppy drive. Lets just say that there should be a Bird's Nest competition so I can be a winner at something.

But I did it. I unplugged a bunch of stuff and shifted things around and plugged all the memory in. I was set for about 640 Megs of memory (such an interesting number, too) action, and it didn't work. After a few hours of troubleshooting, I've determined that every stick of memory was good, but the motherboard only has one functional DIMM slot. Number 3 is borked, meaning I can't use that one or slot 4 either. Surprise, I've had a defective motherboard from day one. Materials and workmanship is good for 90 days. Whoops... owned it since 2001.

But at least I got 512 in this thing now. A great start to my vacation, although it's irritating now to know I've got a defective motherboard. And I'm not in the mood to invest in a new motherboard since I refuse to get old technology if I can avoid it (need DDRRAM), and that would mean a new CPU and likely a new heat sink and on top of that I'll have to buy RAM and I don't have that kind of money.

The reason why I majored in Computer Science versus Computer Engineering is that, even though I love hardware, I have horrible luck when it comes to it.
Either way, running on 512 Megs of memory is a sweet sweet ride. I've always been a big fan of fat lumps of memory in computers.

Went to the arcade to unwind, hoping to run into Groovy Girl but it didn't happen. Ah, well, that's what I get for genuinely wanting to see someone. All this would have been a nice test to tell her about to see if she's afraid of my comp-u-nerd talk. Girls who are not afraid of this win lots and lots of points.

Thing is, I'm missing people a lot lately. I used to communicate daily with a bunch of people who shall remain anonymous to protect them (I'm convinced that I'm a person most people wouldn't admit to knowing freely for the most part (yes, I know there are a few exceptions elsewhere on these boards)). But that's seemed to dried up since I'd been distracted by E5. Now that I'm no longer under her spell, I feel a little cruddy for ignoring folks.

Thing is, I did run into E5. Considering how much time we spent at the arcade I was surprised I hadn't run into her before. Unless she'd been avoiding me, which is a very possible scenario. Oh, and I ran into E5H too.

Shook my hand, he did.

For the women in the audience, I need to explain something. Men shaking hands is more complicated than it seems. There are a lot of nuances, like how to grab, how long to shake, your expression while you do it, etc. And there are rules. A man must never let his arm go limp during a handshake, since that says not good things about his character.

When men shake hands, if one wants to exert power or dominance over another, he will try to intentionally grip harder than the other person, who will either match and excede it gaining power in the reversal, or will try and fail, which means futile resistance, or will not try and accept his submissive position.

This is all in less than 3 seconds.

But he pulled that strength thing. I tried, and failed to match or overpower his grip. Makes sense, after all, since my hand has never been used to hold a weapon with which I was trained to kill kill kill with.

Thing is I don't think women realize the power struggle that is in the handshake. We did this in front of E5, and she hadn't a clue. If she did she probably would get mad, as it's clearly a machismo thing to do.

But I don't make the rules. That's the way it goes, I have no choice but to play along.

She was surprisingly friendly, and stopped by only to see me before she leaves again for places afar. Brief. Total surprise? Yes? The point? I don't know.

I thought she hated me. Although with uneventful L3 and L4, it's nice to have someone care that I exist for a change. How surprising.

 

[Yonphi]

Variable

The Luck Compass seems to be a little out of whack these days. I've had a run of bad luck on little things. But all together they feel like bigger things. Finding out I've got a defective motherboard is a little problem (since it still works just fine, but even if they would replace it for free it's the hassle of ALL those cables and screws. It will literally take me three hours to take everything out and find a place to put it while the motherboard is gone: I've done it before with an another motherboard but that was going into another case anyway). Coming out of the arcade to find that someone slammed their door so hard into the rear driver side door that it left a quarter-sized dent is a little thing, all things considered. But bad luck. And I used to drive a much wider vehicle so I know I wasn't parked incorrectly. Another piece of bad luck (also involving my car, interestingly enough) is that I left E5's place to find an egg smashed against the driver's side view mirror. Totally caked and dried by the time I found it. Again, a little thing. But bad luck that I was apparantly such a good target. And, had an infection of a virus on my machine. Pain in the ass to clean out, Parite B. Not too deadly, but it was corrupting enough EXEs to make my life difficult for no gain for anyone.

"No, wait, go back for a second, E5?"

Yeah, she invited me over to get drunk with her. Oh, and, with E5H there, too.

"Heh heh, I know where this is going."

No, actually, you don't. As it turns out there was no alcohol there. And, yes, for the record, I guess this means she doesn't hate me. I did bring something up in private with her. The answer? "I figured you were moody because you weren't getting any." True, yes, but, geez, I'm NEVER getting any. But even in the minor ways that I was, wasn't I just considering that the spell had been broken?

I think I learned something. That's always good. Although, I'm not quite sure just yet what it entails.

All things except the love kiss on the side have been rectified, at least to the point in which they can be. But so far this vacation is very much a waste of time. Cleaning out the computers on the LAN took about 8 hours alone.

During celebration I ran into someone completely unexpected. Ran into F4. The most convenient part about meeting her today is that I don't have to explain it because I've already discussed it. I was sort of asking for it, in retrospect, going to the place where we went to grab a bite to eat. They just have good food there at uber-cheap prices.

She didn't pretend not to recognize me, which was really nice, about as nice as the fact that she remembered. Even after all this time.

Total KISS principle. Keep It Simple, Stupid. Small talk, nothing too committal. She's single, I'm single, but I don't think anything'll be there. Seemed very distant, sort of. Like when I asked her "where are you stomping around these days?" she answered "Oh, here and there." Any question with a concrete answer due was answered vaugely. I'm sure if I would have asked for her number she would have said something equally vauge like that I would run into her again some day.

Good luck? Bad luck? I don't know. But I feel stagnation coming back again. Yuck.

 

[Yonphi]

Chronology

One thing I havn't done in a while is a good analysis. So here it comes.

The opener of this journal, that I [was] a 22 year old virgin, now 23, is deliberate. Now, the pain point is that it isn't some 14 year old complaining about not getting any action, because what else is new. Then again, the word is out that there are more than one person like myself... even on these very boards! If I were in the mood to be cynical about afirmative action, I'd say we're a minority in ourselves and are therefore deserving of perks.
I'm just bringing that up that since I didn't get a call back from a workplace that I recently interviewed for. But I really don't believe in afirmative action. I am a member of a minority group (one I don't intend to disclose) and the idea that I need "special help" to get admitted to school or get a job offends me on a fundamental basis.

Not that I would turn away help, but I would never seek it based solely on my sexual status. If you were wondering why wasabi_geisha hasn't received a question like "would you do a virgin?", that's why.

But, the point here is what does age matter? Does it? Here I am saying that age is just a number devoid of any real meaningful information. Well, you should interpret that assertion as a comment on compatability. It doesn't bother me in the slightest that PL1 is 16. Sure it's slightly illegal, but I'm sure if I get a signed statement if we do get into the sexual equivalent of fisticuffs I'll be ok. This is a very cross-that-bridge type of thing, since the most recent encounter was only about a week ago and that was maybe 30 seconds right during my first DDR song of the night.

If fortune's next trick in her onstage act is to throw someone my way that digs me that happens to be under 18, so be it. The way I see it, I was 16 once. Where was my 16 year old then? Nowhere. Time to make up for lost time.

As far as women are concerned, their sexual history and experience do not affect their Girlfriend Quotients. The hope is that the someone I can connect with, when it comes down to that part of interpersonal activities, will release the inner lust inside herself... after all, I fully intend to do the same. And I am genuinely confident at this point that my inner lust, at least in theory, can do her right: she would deserve no less.

But men, on the other hand, are different. I think my view on female sexuality is strange since my goal, as a man, should be to get off and not to make sure she does. This is perhaps elevation above that of the animal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that guys don't care. That's not it at all. What I'm saying is, ala E5, I can be pleased as punch to give a girl orgasms. All I need to be happy is the opportunity to do so. But, goal or not, it's perhaps a leap of faith to be with a virgin guy. Sure chicks dig confidence. But it doesn't matter how much confidence one has: either you can't or you can. Either you try or you do. You know how I feel about "A for Effort".

Thing is there's a reason why so many people around me are either getting married or is married. The First Great Pairing Off is occurring. They marry, have a little fun together, perhaps make children, and about 50% will divorce. At that point I may have another shot at things with those in my peer age group... until the Second Great Pairing Off, after which... well... I havn't thought that far. I can, but I fear it.

Much like when a group of friends disintegrates into sets of fewer and fewer people, I feel a little left out.

The point is that someone my age will expect certain experiences. And time is running out. It won't be too long until female peers are all married into the largest set of Unavailables I have ever considered amongst them. My chances to be single single single with a single single single girlfriend will expire. Thing is, had I gotten action around the time that the rest of non-loser society gets it, I'd be inline and therefore compatable. I feel the longer things take the deeper I end up sinking in the quicksand.

Thing is, an older woman would already see me as the younger guy. So that narrowing of the corridor just wouldn't happen. I'll even be so bold as to say that an older female virgin (while I won't immediately deny the existance of such a thing, I think that minority is even fewer than the 23-Male-Virgin one) would still be ok since there are different goals. That's what I mean about the time before the Second Great Pairing Off. Where she's single single single again and can't believe she fell in love with that jerk in the first place.

And then there's the younger girl. I'm in lock-step with the sexual experiences, I would say, of a fifteen year old. So, in that, things would be ok. It's all about being synchronized. I think the Kama Sutra says something about that, too.

But who cares about a several-thousand-year-old-Penthouse-Forums? I just see the doors ahead of me starting to close and for each one I dash at it slams shut.

 

[Yonphi]

Life Hates Me More Than Usual

Bad luck. It's getting worse and the things more severe. Nearly got in an accident. Someone came to a complete stop at a yellow light. Glad they had such great brakes but I had to swerve to another lane to miss him/her. And, once at a stop, they accellerated and ran the red light. Gee, thanks. Had you just kept going we both would have been through. Not only that, the other lane I swerved to was the right lane and in this state you are allowed to make a right turn on red.
Need more? I've got another virus. Even worse than the first. Apparantly during disinfecting of the first one I was using a lot of floppies to restore stuff and, wouldn't you know it, one was infected. A nasty DOS based one: some people know Monkey. I plan to give a big lesson on Monkey on the supplement later tonight or tomorrow once the DSL is back up (see below). Thing is, all the resume's I've sent out with my programming portfolio all have a virus there. That's a good way to not get a call.
And I would not have noticed ever if I wasn't trying to reinstall a Gravis UltraSound in my old computer, where most of my programming projects are.
Not enough? I'm typing this on my father's new laptop, which was my old laptop. Had to sell it to him to make some cash. See, this computer is the only one I can move near an active phone line. DSL has been down since Saturday night. I only know because Sunday morning none of my BitTorrents had progressed and that's when I noticed the router simple wasn't connecting. Yay for leaving a computer capable of Hibernate on for 8 hours needlessly. And it's killing me. It was rigged for network access, not dial up. So here I go dialing up to my old school unix account (which hasn't been deleted yet, incidently), can't download NetZero because it's behind a strange JavaScript verified page that Lynx can't do. So had to do the SLiRP thing and wrestle with a few things. Had to download NetZero, though. I don't want to bring too much attention to myself by using the system without authorization. Ahhh.

The only compensation for such things was being able to play DDR with Groovy Girl again (who, incidently, wore a hat, but a different one than first noted). Being the complete pervert that I am, I loved the top she was wearing. While impolite to stare, it doesn't take much more than a glance to know what you're seeing, especially when you think that which you see is an erect nipple.
Big sigh. Even ignoring the boyfriend bit, I have a feeling that if I were to try anything these days I'd have the remains of the Spacestation MIR fall on me.

There is one thing this journal has not brought out of the woodwork. And this morning I realized this and said to myself, "gee, that's interesting." I'm surprised that I've never gotten any specific directions on how to get action. How To Seduce A Girl (the non-bullshit edition), volume 1 of 1, if you will.

In the old days, you wanted to train to be a Blacksmith, you apprentice under a Blacksmith. You get menial tasks to do, but it was ok because the point of them was to get good at those menial tasks so you can do them. Then as you get better you can do more stuff. Before you know it you know the entire process from start to finish. And there are folks who want to be apprentice to you, and it's ok because a lot of the menial stuff is starting to get boring and you're just not gonna get any better than you currently are (my penmanship is bad, but it won't get any better no matter how much I write with pen and paper).

I definitely need to apprentice under someone. I ran into E5H last weekend (he and E5 are gone from this city at the current moment, by the way). He was making fun of me and Groovy Girl, telling me I should invite her for a double date with them to get the oven heated. E5 heard this, E5's mom heard this, and made a deal about it for like 60 seconds. I was kind of glad he embarassed himself like that, such crudeness I think takes him down a notch, which raises me in comparison. But then again, maybe it just doesn't matter.

But aside from that anecdote, I need an apprenticeship. Thing is I should probably wait until my bad luck streak is over.

 

[Yonphi]

Research Yields

And my two weeks are up. What have I learned?

I'm only halfway convinced that there's a curse on me. Over the course of a few months my performance at work had been declining and people have been noticing. People that perhaps shouldn't be noticing. Starting next week I go into a full time position doing something slightly different. I had blamed it on being bored and not being challenged, but it does explain why things have been going off wrongly while I've had a vacation. Things would go wrong at work, but without work, what can go wrong? Well, other things.

One of the stipulations of my vehicle purchase was that I get free oil changes and simple maintenance, like lubrication of hinges and stuff. For about 3 years. Not too shabby, then again, it isn't exactly complicated stuff to do, provided you have the proper equipment (which I do not have, that is, a reliable way to lift it). Now, I did get a fair price in the face of this thing. But I walked out of that place feeling good. It's good going to a failing dealership... there were a few places completely unwilling to play fair and descent (and I have no qualms about saying that Kendall Toyota is run by a bunch of crooks. I have a big thing because they ran a credit check on me after I wrote all over a provided copy of my drivers license that they weren't allowed to. And then I had the hassle of getting it off the record since that sort of thing drags my credit rating down needlessly, that whole checking to lend and then not lending thing). But the downside is that my dealer shut down. And was purchased by another company. And this other company does not honor the old deals. And now it makes sense. I got three years of freebies, or until the end of the world comes. Whichever comes first.

Damn it, I needed another spindle and the oil change took the cash. At least, on the upside, I can go local for my service now that I'm not married to this place anymore. The new owners sell the same make of car, so a letter of complaint to the manufacturer is in order, but I seriously doubt that any resolution will occur that will reinstate the perk.

I'm running into Groovy Girl often. It's rather convenient I see her at Local Arcade the days I feel like going. I could say something macho like her being there has nothing to do with it, but it'd be a blatant lie. If I hadn't said it before, she's totally cool. And I totally hope that the impression that I get that she's glad to see me isn't completely self-fabricated. And I'm hoping for her to become available. Is that wrong? To hope for something like that?

Although preliminary results are in on the Friend Zone Event Horizon, as I'm going to call it. Event Horizon is the edge outside a black hole after which, if it is breached, you will never be able to break away from the gravitational pull of the extremely massive and extremely small object. That is, signals that, once you observe them, you will be unable to escape the Friend Zone through any actions outside the will of the Friend Zone itself.
Perhaps there is an escape to the Friend Zone. But if there is one, it is perhaps 95% the role of the woman in this society, and even then it may require a complete rethinking on her part of the male friend which is, perhaps, so unlikely I'd probably get sucked into a black hole first.

While I don't know if I'm there yet, I have taken note of a few things. I've been "poked".

The poke is a favorite game of mine when I have embraced the idea of playing it. Basically it's just a simple poke of the other person with your index finger. That's it. But the beauty comes from the timing. Sure you can just poke all the time and taunt "stop poking me stop poking me" but that's just being irritating and no fun at all. It's a poke in the back when they're least expecting it. It's a poke as a substitute for a word. It's playful, it's physical, and, while I havn't really begun the game...

I got a poke. The Poke Game, while not on my list, is perhaps a quality in a Girlfriend Quotient for me. To have an intuitive knowledge of the subtleties and intricacies of The Poke Game adds big points to any girl.

This is either a really good thing or a really bad thing. It could mean a breaking of a barrier and therefore be a phenomenon that is a direct result of crossing the Friend Zone Event Horizon. Or is could be the slow introduction of playful physicality. She's already one of the best hugs I've had in a while, but those are hellos and goodbyes. I tend to exclude those from figuring out interpersonal relation status. Like, it's one thing to call me a pet name in a hello or goodbye, but to call me a pet name in the middle of a conversation means something.

Then again, a more appropriate indicator of the Event Horizon would be her telling me she's a good lay in a non-advertising manner. Again, could be really good or really bad. I'm inclined to say it's bad, for as long as she's got a boyfriend. Then again, I know nothing of how true she intends...

...

Hold it. Hold it right there. I need to stop thinking that right now. My being the "other man" is not exactly an optimal situation, with all the paranoia and all. Thing is, I'll take it. So does that mean I want it or not? I'm not sure. If I want it, I'll persue it. But I don't seek to be a boy on the side so then I don't want it? But if I don't want it, and it was thrust towards me (like E5), would I take it? Does that then mean I want it?

What exactly is it? Don't worry, I won't try to ask what "is" is, because that's just plain rediculous.

One of the many justifications I had for the whole E5 thing was that if don't take advantage while it's available, I may never have an opportunity again. And at this point I think that was a correct justification since I've had no close calls or elevated heart beat with suspense of anything. The reasoning being that, yes, I robbed myself of a little experimentation with someone that I really could call my own but it beats the alternative. This is a paraphrased form of what Ginko considers a bad excuse. Yes, remember her?

All of a sudden I stopped talking about that. The reason is simple. Clearly didn't approve, she. The best summation would be that I had cashed in any chance I had with her for E5 fun. Then again, "chance I had" is an unknown quantity (I'm not sure I had any true tangible chance, to be honest), whereas E5 fun was clearly non-zero, and, all things considered, pretty cool.

If you've put three quarters in the video poker, and after a hand you've got nine quarters in there, do you gamble some more or do you cash out?

With Groovy Girl, any credits I earn on her behalf I hope to keep in there as long as possible. Someday, if things start turning my way, maybe she'll break up with her existing guy and come into my arms. And I tried desparately to reword that last sentence into a dirty pun, unsuccessfully.
Or, who knows, maybe someone could politely let her know that I'm allegedly a catch, and she's leave him for me. That'd I'd be a-ok with. Although that would take a lot of luck, and, call me down-in-the-dumps this week, but I don't think any amount of feng shui can help my sad case. Don't know why that idea just popped into my head all of a sudden.

The question is how to let her know I'm interested without locking the door which may or may not be closed. They clearly should continue to fund my research with another grant of good fortune. The budget is pretty tight, so hopefully it'll come soon.

-- Big edit: DSL is down AGAIN. Gee, I was getting suspicious of why I never had any problems before last week, and this week clenches it. Fuck. Fuckity Fuck McFuck.

 

[Yonphi]

Coffee Grounds

Back in action and ready to post. Unfortunately, this means I'm very behind in everything. I really need to learn to speed read.

The plauge seems to have subsided (well, we'll see if I get unplugged this weekend too, I end up wasting a day in that case arguing with the techs who insist that it's my system when it's clearly NOT). And there is some evidence.
K3 seemed to miss me on my absence from work, and that's a real smile inducer. We had a moment today. We were parting ways on the rooftop of a garage when it was time to go home. Now, you know how I am with rooftops. The sun was still kind of high, but it had a bit of an angle for shadows and stuff. It was hot, but not as ungodly hot at that moment as it has been at high noon around here. She undid her pony tail and loosened her hair, that she's starting to grow out. She squinted slightly at me, with a wide smile, and asked what I thought about a movie.
...
Oh, no, no, I see how that line can be misinterpreted. She was asking what I thought about a particular movie, if I had seen it before.
...
Ah, yes, well, I thought about that, too. But she was asking because she knows my taste in movies and someone had told her the opposite of how I felt about that particular movie. "I trust your opinion more," she told me.

The question is, at this moment, if she had told me I'm not her type, does that mean that "not being her type" is a temporary condition and not a permanent one? That is, is it possible to become the kind of man a woman is looking for?

Maybe "you're not my type" was a filter and not a deterrent. Those who hear those words and persist perhaps are those that she wishes to attract.

Wow. High tech theory here. All this relationship science being worked out in front of your very eyes. As with any good study, it must end with "but more research is needed."

On other breakthrough technologies, I was reading up on a forum thread somewhere else and there is a guy who produces porn for a living. And someone had asked how he gets the girls to do things. And the "technique" kind of interesting. I'm not properly attributing the quote to protect the poster. The question he is answering WAS NOT asked by me, if you recognize the quote from this particular forum and this particular thread. That assertion you'll just have to take of faith. After all, I've asked out loud questions here so it's not that I'm embarassed to ask, it's just that I wouldn't ask there.

How you ask girls is all a matter of personal taste, how well you can come off as being sincere and not a slimeball. If you have the camera with you right then, you might come off the wrong way. First, you have to have them trusting you, then it's no big thing asking. For example, if I see a girl I want to ask that works, say... at a Target. I'd make a point of talking to her in small light conversations over the course of a few weeks. Let her catch me looking at her, smile and act busted etc... might sound creepy but if done right, you can perk their attention and next thing you know, you're a guy they **want** to talk to. Never be afraid to strike up a conversation with a pretty girl and NEVER mention photos or the web until you know that you will get away with it. I have been shot down ONCE in over 200 girls over the past 5 years shooting. I'm not that good at it, or lucky, I just know my boundaries I guess.

Hmm. Let's look closer at something specific.

"Let her catch me looking at her, smile and act busted etc... might sound creepy but if done right, you can perk their attention and next thing you know, you're a guy they **want** to talk to."

Wow. I wonder if I'd be able to pull that off.

In World War 2, the Germans had a mechanized encoder/decoder device, called the Enigma. It was supposed to be uncrackable. There's a lot of sound mathematical theory inside the machine that I'm not going to get into. I forget how it was cracked, I don't recall if the allies found a undestroyed machine in a raid, or if they went and built their own. But once they had it cracked, they were golden.

I need to crack the code and pass whatever tests the filters pose for me. It's all about optimization.

 

[Yonphi]

Sofa King Lame

What, you've never heard of the Sofa King? His prices are Sofa King low!

Ever get the feeling that you're scattered? That there are so many things that deserve your attention that you're spread thin on each thing? Well, whether you have or not, it should be said that I feel a little thinly spread.

Normally I can handle it, not by multitasking but by... oh wait.

A CPU can only do one thing at a time. If you have a problem with me saying this then you clearly are thinking of multi-staged pipelines and simultanous microcode execution. But currently computer code is executed in order. Sorry, but it is. Besides, if you want to argue in these terms, you'll understand why I glaze over those details for a little techno-symbolism.

Multitasking is accomplished with code that uses a nifty feature called an interrupt, kind of a like a bell, that will make the CPU drop what it's doing and go do something else. When the interrupt fires, the operating system code makes sure to note where in one program it was, and do what needs to be done. Sometimes this means go to another program (process), sometimes it's to clear out a buffer that had been filling up behind the scenes thanks to a Direct Memory Access Controller somewhere, sometimes it's because the user just pressed a key.

The point is that a computer does ONE thing at a time, and during that time it spends ALL it's computing power on it. Until it gets interrupted with a "tap tap tap" on it's shoulder, all it cares about is the current state of the registers, the current code, the current memory area. Thing is, this interrupt stuff happens SO OFTEN and SO QUICKLY that it looks like it's doing a bunch of things at once.

Thankfully, being such an introvert, I can say that I'm a lot of the same way. It's really tough for me to accomplish anything so long as I'm not completely focused on one. Attempts to do multiple things at once usually have me mulling about in a cycle for each task I try to accomplish. Which is why, in spite of all this, I actually can pat my head and rub my belly simultanously without problems. But something like put on my shoe and swish Listerine in my mouth? Such are the makings of disaster.

Right now I'm just working a boring job, counting my pennies, dealing out resumes like playing cards, wondering where I'm going to live, AND worrying about whether or not my penis will shrivel up and drop off out of pure despair. Not to mention unhealthy things that I'm happily allowing to happen, like walking barefoot through hell in order to get on Groovy Girl reservations list instead of doing the practical thing and hire a hit man to take care of her boyfriend.

I am currently banking on the theory of an "Interested Person Queue". The IPQ is supposed to represent a list of persons interested in a girl. The idea is that, should things not go well with the current significant other, she will select a person from the queue (the next one) and give them a chance to, well, get somewhere. If they fail the window of opportunity, they are either discared or placed on the back of the list (I havn't decided which) and the next it given a chance.
The question is how is the queue normally ordered? Initially, the optimal way would be sorting based on Boyfriend Quotient, that is, those going into the queue for the first time would skip all those in front of them that have a lesser Quotient.

Now that I've defined the structure, does it exist in nature? Normally it's the other way around, you need a convenient structure for something observed. But I'm getting creative here.

On the other hand, in a reminiscing e-mail with E5, she explained to me something called the "rebound guy". No, she wasn't referring to me, we were referring to the guy she had sex with before we hung out one night, where I first saw a girl in coitus afterglow. Perhaps instead of a queue it's just a two-headed list. "Semi-Permanent mates" are selected from the top, the cream of the crop, while "Temporaries" are selected from the bottom.

Either way it's no point theorizing about things that aren't happening. L5 doesn't seem to have me anywhere in this theoretical construct. But she did say "are you ok?" a lot, like I had my heart crushed or something.

Lady, I'm a pro at getting shot down.

 

[Yonphi]

Halt

More CPU analogies coming up.

In school, I was always taught that a CPU is always doing something. I took this on faith, after all, I'm not a computer engineer. Even just sitting there it's looping through NOP (no operation) instructions, right?

Then, once upon a time, I learned the hidden truth. There is an instruction, HLT (halt). No, I don't remember the binary code for it (thankfully), but this tells the CPU to wind down a bit and go to sleep for a while. Until the next interrupt. It's the tricky thing that good operating systems do to help save power and heat production. This is very good for the life of the CPU. The overhead? Not much. It just picks up on the next instruction.

I have realized that I've been rejected more times than twice the number of cards in a deck. At least it's less than twice the number of cards in my main Magic deck. The point? Ever play 52-pickup? Feh, a suitable name. Ever play that twice in succession?

Sometimes when playing DDR if I get lost in a sea of arrows I'll tend to go as fast as I can. It's like an anxiety reaction: and it's happened to everybody before they reach their maximum ability. Once I get the hang up the bump in difficulty I realize that it's not exactly a good thing to do. The best thing is to calm down and follow the rhythm. I remember completely spazing on routines that recently I've revisited and been able to perform without troubles.

Am I in the middle of an anxiety attack in other things? A mid-life crisis? It'd better not be a mid life crisis because this being a halfway mark is a real downer. I am picking up the tempo a bit, though. L6 likes that Arizona Green Tea and Ginseng that I used to drink religiously. I felt really badly as, after a few words, she started to walk away, as in a "well, I'm done with you. I don't wish to know you as anything but a stranger" way. I wonder if my praise of the elixir was warranted and whether I could have said anything different. And I swear I don't look like sasquatch.

Grrr... and then I see a sasquatch with arms interlocked with his significant other. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

There's just a question mark hanging around. It's sitting next to me, looking at me strange. Keep your eyes on your own paper, ok? It's time to really face the fact. I'm not good at this. I'm downright bad at this. Never will a job in sales be in my future because I'm just plain incompetant at selling myself.

As I'm trying to get my life back on the up and up in general, I can't help but wonder if stuff I'd accomplished on my own before is just a fluke. Just a taste of things being reasonably ok to make me feel worse later on.
I miss my old job. I miss my old place. Stuff with Ms. Robinson and things with E5 helped make me feel integrated into human existance. Now I feel like I've been squeezed out of it like pushing too many marbles together in a groove of tile and having one just pop out and off the rail. It'll roll a bit and find another groove, but look how far away it is.

Maybe I outta just HLT and someone can wake me when they need me.

With the definition of HLT I gave you up there, it's safe to assume that if the CPU never recieves an interrupt signal, it will never awaken from the halted state.

...

I hate posting when my brain is cloudy.

 

[Yonphi]

Single Word Substitution

"Oh, no, here we go again."

No, don't become alarmed. Just because the word "substitution" is in the title, doesn't mean I'll talk about u and v and all that stuff. Although I will say that, as hairy as substitution can become, it's usually the best way to solve some problems.
If, by "best", you mean "brute force will work every time so long as you do it right".

I had a clever little saying I thought up today. My head was down on my desk with absolutely nothing to do. Pretty down, too. And while, yes, I know I'm being a little overly dramatic about my situation on an intellectual basis, I just can't help but feel emotionally down.
At work, someone asked if I was ok. Gee, I wonder. My answer? "I feel like less than shit." After a few prying questions that I diffused, the suggestion was made that I should go home, but I declined. I need the money. But I thought about what I said for a bit, and...

Instead of feeling less than shit I need to be feeling less like shit.

Ok, so it's cleverosity (is that even a word?) is up for discussion. But just thinking that added a point to my spirits today. Nevermind it has "to be" followed by "ing" verb, which isn't supposed to be proper. No, I don't remember much of my grammar vocabulary, but I know when stuff looks and sounds wrong.

My hiatus officially begins Sunday. I don't need to break my head over my sex life when there isn't a damn thing I can do to help it. But I don't want to close doors by myself, especially when they end up closing themselves.

Saturday is Yasumi-con. When planning to visit E1, I had also planned to stop by Anime Expo and see if I would have better girl luck in that environment. But that never happened. Luckily, there's a mini-anime convention only 20 miles away. Cake of peace. Mini, I say, because it's their first year. Which means few people know about it and even fewer care.
I'd rather not stay in Miami, but I would like to see what I can do before I cut off my ties. But there isn't much I can do so long as I'm still producing a demo disc of code for prospective companies.

So, back to hiatus. The quesion in the air is whether or not I'd be able to call it off the moment I detect signals. I don't think there will be signals, but if there are sent my way I'd like to react. I wonder if I'm too dumb to know what a signal is.

"I know it when I see it" is how some judge somewhere defined obscenity. That sounds kind of vauge. I don't like vauge. But, so far, all I've got to go on in the signal department is "I know it when I see it."

And I've totally got to catch up on the journals here. Not having web or telnet access anymore is driving me nuts when I'm out of stuff to do.

 

[Yonphi]

Diminuendo

In chess, there's a few final-game states. There's the ever famous checkmate, in which the king is threatened and there is no move that can be made to put that piece out of danger. Everyone knows checkmate. Then there's a stalemate, in which the king is not in immedate danger but there does not exist a move that will not put it in danger. (Putting your king in check through a move of your own is not a legal move.)
And then there's something I call chasing. Good chess players will never get to this point, but, then again, I'm not a good chess player by any stretch of the imagination. It's when you get a situation that for each player move, there is nothing that is done to gain an advantage. The simplest example is two kings running around. You can't put the other into checkmate without putting yourself into check. You could keep playing indefinitely, if you wanted to. But there really is no point.

I'm in a bit of a chase here. I'm not in immediate danger of anything, it's not like my penis will divorce me over "irreconsilable differences" for being a virgin. It's not like my ears'll start bleeding from lack of hearing naughty things whispered into them. As much as I miss it, not kissing anyone isn't going to turn my lips to dried up dusty prunes.
And there really isn't a move I can make to put me into danger. Sure I'd walk barefoot through hell for someone to not only connect with me but want to be with me (and inturn, want me to be with her), but where is the "barefoot speed-walking through hell" starting line anyway?
No, I'm just chasing a distance shadowy figure. Each step I take it takes step. Doesn't matter which direction, I'll never get close enough.

The time is right to quiet down and see if I stop making moves whether she'll come closer to see why I'm not playing the game.

Thing is, I know in my heart of hearts I can't just sit back and let good things come to me because good things simply don't do that. I can just go about my life and hope for some silly coincidence but that's just... well... silly.

Lets see how this works.

Remember that question? "How can you not get laid in Miami?" Follow the Yonphi Plan, guaranteed no sex, no aknowledgement, be a Third or your money back.

 

[Yonphi]

True Colors

So far the mini-hiatus is going, well... umm... it's just going. Kind of liberating, actually. It turns out I've got a deeper mean streak than I thought.

Yesterday leaving the arcade I must have been a sight. My new demon song is Paranoia Rebirth. I vow that someday (cue the large twinkling eye) I will get it down pat (cue the wave crashing against the cliff behind me).
Nobody I knew was there and nobody else was playing that game, so I was spent in about an hour. I leave that place, sweaty as hell, clasping onto my bottled water like it was my portable dialysis machine, wondering where it was that I had parked.

Once I figured it out, I walked in that general direction. On the sidewalk a woman was walking in the opposite direction. I had noticed that she moved over to her right a bit more as I hopped onto the sidewalk from my right. I noticed this.

Normally I don't care. She isn't someone I would have figured as a "good chance*". But, hey, I'm on break as far as the Lovetron game does, so I had a quick 20 seconds of fun. I walked more to my left, and watched as she reacted by moving more to her right. I continued to wander to my left to follow suit. She was left with perhaps 10% of the sidewalk left when we actually passed each other. Hey, not my fault. Maybe if she was more accepting of crazy-looking people.
She turned her head towards me passing me, whereas I put my best "fire-eye" look on my face and had my eyes follow hers.

Not as mean as whipping out my roll of tokens and smacking the cigarette out of her hand saying "Bad cancer stick! Bad!" and not nearly as funny, but very out of character. Very out of character.

Or extremely in character. Or extremely true to myself. I remember in an old short story I had written long ago I had a character waiting for a bus when he noticed an old couple cross the street in the distance so that they don't walk near him. He then picked up his stuff and walked across the street, only to have the couple cross again. And it went back and forth until the old couple ducked into an apartment building to get away.

On other fronts, not dealing with this problem of mine hasn't as of yet helped out my Reaffirming Status Task. I have lots of old code I'm trying to get in shape for my coding portfolio and if you've ever done any coding you'll know if you look at a project years later, it's a lot of "huh?" Why did I write it this way? What was I thinking? Using "goto" inside a structured block language? Was I drunk?
And I'm in the middle of porting a few things to Windows, only to find out the original documentation I drafted differed greatly from the final implementation. It isn't insurmountable, but knowing what I know now there are a lot of things I want to fix in my old code and design and I know that, while I could, it would literally take me a year to clean up my stuff.

Or I should just include a bunch of stuff as-is? I'm trying to get a job in this year, not 10 years ago. I'm questioning the value of including a whole bunch of DOS programs. Any recruiters out there?

Back to the whole point of why anybody is reading this. I'd been thinking in my off times about The List. Each iteration through it I made a mistake. The question is, what mistake did I make? Thing is, I think a change of strategy is in order.
When I say I want to be honest, that in itself is honest. I don't like masking the truth. It seems counterintuitive. I want someone to like me for who and what I am, and that means knowing what I'm about and what makes me tick.
But I've been goosed by a little notion. An idea, or, rather, a set of ideas.

One thing I seem to have forgotten is that when I met up again with E5 that I had decided to try something a little radical to see what would happen. But I never really followed through with it. After all, E5 is married and not someone I was really ok with persuing. I had briefly mentioned it here. But looking over the rules again as they had been resent to me with the disclaimer that, yes, it seems counter intuitive, but I should try it. And rereading that old post I think I used the word "goosed" before. Yeesh, aren't I predictable?

So what's this got to do with anything? The rules and advice I had inadvertently followed. I didn't complement her on anything. I didn't initiate phyiscal contact with her. I didn't let on like I was interested. And look where I wound up? I didn't realize it until just now. Kind of exciting.

It is a game, but, then again, it always was, I guess. I say this in the most resigned and disappointed manner. Then again, I didn't make up the game... I'm just insisting on using my rules on an established game. House rules are house rules (as opposed to official rules) for a reason. Because they suck. I'm using my rules and they just aren't compatable with the established game.

So I'm definitely going to give it the old Scout's try. No, wait, I was never a Boy Scout. I just want to be human like the rest of you. So maybe it's just time to suck in my pride and take a leap of faith.

I'll miss you, when I'm gone. Transformed into someone else. I really wished, really really wished, that my way would have worked.

But for now I need to get my life in order. I'm starting again to dream of having my own hep batchelor pad and having lots of sex there. Kind of reminds me of my senior year in high school. Which means, until I get things set up, those worried can talk me out of it. And offer themselves in retaliation of the dark side.

I'm going to file that last line under "things I'm kidding about that I shouldn't have to specify that I'm kidding about them."

 

[Yonphi]

Chopping down the Pine Tree

Best. Move. Ever.

No, I havn't gotten a job within one week of promising my efforts would not be offset by my girl-quest. But...

It feels kind of good not worrying about where I'm going to get my next fix of rejection. Real good. Not to mention it makes many of the "Game Rules" easier to pull off. My priorities, being towards a better and more secure financial future, make a lot of already established leads a little easier at which to follow the rules.
Although this was it isn't too difficult. Following the rules is a side effect in this manner, and not deliberate. I'm not deliberately not showing interest, it just so happens I've got my mind on other things.

That makes it an easier pill to swallow. I just got a feeling that of all the cool girls I've known (meaning they were ones I want to be with) I genuinely enjoy the company of and care about their well beings. It's kind of conflicting to think that the only way I'll get somewhere is that way.

Of course, one way to interpret it is that I'm such a good guy that what I'm doing is for the greater good of having me for a boyfriend. They'll appreciate it. Although I'm not sure about being such a good guy IF I'm doing it intentionally.

But cutting down the pine tree seems to be pretty good. Ran into Groove Girl today, and my mind stayed put. I just kept thinking about my potential future and how I need to start using the degree I've put up with all that shit for. And while I'm thinking about how I could have been done years ago had I not attempted to minor in mathematics or had to work I'm not thinking about getting into her well-fitting jeans which cover a shapely body. How nice it feels not to pine over anyone and ACTUALLY not pine over them. I've said it before to myself, and tried, but it doesn't seem to stick. But this time it's working. I guess my priorities have shifted. And, with some amazement, I was able to do it myself. Wow.

And I saw K3 at work and chatted a bit and while I havn't told her why I'm being a little colder (thinking about how much I don't want to be there, that is), she in turn has become a little warmer. Completely incidental? Maybe. I've already exposed myself to her as Needy Man so she's perhaps a lost cause. But then there's another coworker that I would have had my eye on talked to me more than usual about things that don't matter. She stroked my hair and pushed my glasses when they were falling off my face.

It could be that I just look stressed and they want to cheer me up. So I'm not counting chickens just yet.

In any case, blah. Blah blah, blah blah. Hooray beer. It's been about six months since I've drank any. So I'll say it again. Hooray beer. Too bad I'm sleepy now. Owed e-mails going out soon.

 

[Yonphi]

Vice

For the most part, I'm vice free.

No gambling problem. I can't have one. I've played enough Leisure Suit Larry to remember how many times I've had to reload a saved game at the blackjack machine. And a few times playing video poker in real life has taught me that I won't run with it. I'll play a hand, and if I hit something big I'll immediately cash out and beam with pride. And if I don't? Eh, just walk away. It really isn't that hard. Says he without a gambling problem.

I drink, but I rarely drink to get drunk. Getting buzzed is really a side effect of consuming things that to me were pleasurable to consume. I love the a good Manhattan or Gin Martini on one side, I love a good Guiness or Sam Adams on the other, and I'll happily take a shot of pretty much anything passed my way. But alcohol is a pretty low priority on my scale. My drinking a bit a few nights ago was completely related to the fact that my father wanted me to "have a beer with [my] old man." It is my official opinion that Corona sucks. But whatever. He wants me to stay in town when I get a real job, and I refused to make any promises. Thankfully I had a Sam in the crisper in the fridge kept for "just in case" and there were no objections to grabbing that extra bottle retiring to my room.

I've never tried drugs not prescribed to me by a doctor, and even then, including as a child, I've only been so sick to be on antibiotics about five times. I typically won't take anything for headaches (which I don't seem to get so often anymore since kicking out the caffiene and sugar), and the only thing I'll take during a flu or cold is Nyquil, and that is only after serious deliberation in my head over how badly I need it. Less-than-legal drugs? Never smoked pot, never dropped a tab of acid, no XTC... never been offerred, never been interested enough in any of it. The difference between my never had sex and never done drugs is that I don't give a care about drugs enough for it to be any kind of blip on my insecurity radar.

I don't smoke. Ashtray I do not taste like. Like that makes a difference.

Some say body modification can be addictive. I have no piercings, no tattoos. Except for one small, incidental one on my fingertip. I don't tell everyone the story or even which finger it's on. So, there. Sorry, but it is kind of weird how it could be incidental. Just take that at face value. What is it of? Well, that's what's incidental of it. No words, no pictures... nothing.

In fact, my porn collection has been collecting dust recently. Oh, and I've got lots more I'd be willing to part with than what's currently on sale through the supplement, so if curious toss a message my way and I'll return a list. I've been downloading a ton and havn't even really "touched" a lot of it. Which brings me to a little major problem of mine.

I am a pack rat. I love collecting stuff, despite my ability to use it in the future. I just can't bare to part with neat stuff. I've got a collection of batteries from polaroid film packs, a collection of a ton of components from an old CD-ROM that quit working... although it's worth mentioning that they wouldn't be practical to work with (leads are too small or are severely bent) and 70% I don't know what to do with because I don't know what they are, not including several SMD ICs that I decided to remove anyway (Even if I knew the pinouts I'll still have to solder fresh pins to it). I've got about 5000 Magic cards, but even though many of them suck I can't bare to get rid of the sucky stuff because 1) crap wouldn't sell for anything and 2) I could potentially use this crap in more decks. And that's just stuff that borders on the useful.

Of course, I do have one more addiction. I'd kicked it a while back. But it returned in full force. I used to be a total Everquest addict. I would get home and literally spend 5 hours in sequence playing. There would be weekends when I was done failing at girls and I would go home and hang out in Erud's Crossing. I got some spam about how my account has been reactivated for a little while in a promotion to "relive the old times". And I debated going back on. I had already counted my character as gone. I remember frantically writing down all my stats and inventory and spells on my last day of paying. Some day a good Everquest emulator will be written. And I can just pick up where I left off.
All the documentation suggested that characters are deleted a few months after you stop paying. And I kissed it goodbye.

Sure enough, I went back on to see what was different. And I spent the weekend going up a level. It brings back memories, yes, but, damnit, I've got stuff to do. It even cut into my LORD time on Synchro.net: that's a hard thing to do.

My passions are simple. But while I don't have normal people vices, I've got nerdy ones. I think it suggests that the good thing about me are not immediately obvious. Which could be problematic to see why a girl would want to waste her time on me.

There will be plenty of time to enjoy this sort of thing while I'm trying to evangelize a girlfriend into this little world I live in.

 

[Yonphi]

Honesty Revisited

The no-pressure days behind and ahead are really doing something I hadn't anticipated.
Hung out again with Groovy Girl. She could use a nickname or a code word or a identifier label or something that's easier to type out but, nah. I have to say I enjoy her company a lot, and this is coming from a non-crushing perspective. I recognize the waste of time and effort a girl like her represents. That is, the representation so long as she has a boyfriend. I can't fault her, she's genuinely endearing. I've met her boyfriend and he isn't an asshole, so it is easier for me to accept. In fact, he's kind of cool himself. But enough about him (grr). She's got a Dirty Little Mind (reminds me a lot of that Jackyl song of the same name).

Decent human beings are nice to be around.

Line of the night? "I like him. He's honest.", after a comment about how one would go about getting tips at an elevated rate (answer: nudity).

My mom wanted to get me a cell phone. I'd been fighting it because I just see it as an electronic leash with a monthly bill. But she told me I could pick out a pay-as-you-go plan and she'll finance the bill. So I picked one up. This is the sound of myself crashing into the slightly convex surface of normal society. Spliquish.

What'd I get? A Virgin Mobile phone. Har har har, or, rather, r^2 dr. Actually, the only other service was the AT&T go plan and I was a bit squeamish at some of the fine print. Does this mean I've been successfully targeted as a young adult demographic? Perhaps. Oh well. They pay these marketing gurus lots of money to get it right. Which reminds me, if anyone is planning on getting one and activating it, would you mind terribly using a referral code 09716007989 ? Yes, there is a kickback for me. I'll be sure to signal if I get the limit of 3 credits so that others can use another referral code and help out someone else. Or don't. Doesn't matter. I don't plan on using the phone much: just to get out of a jam every now and again.

I'm still very much a cell phone newbie. I know plenty about how it works and the science behind it, but where the business and compatability comes into play I'm clueless. Overseas usage? Importing a phone and adapting it to my service? Neato blue LED blinking blinking things? Well, maybe not the last one.

How does this relate to anything? Waiting in line to pay for this thing, receipt of which, upon turning it in, will result in a check made payable to "Cash" that will be put into my possession, the person in front was buying Grand Theft Auto for her kids. She cashier told her how bad it is, while ringing it up. How you can pick up hookers and stuff. At that moment I relived the moment I was playing, parked under a bridge in the park at Shoreside Vale, when a hooker got in and I saw the car shake rhythmicly. Gotta tell you though, I never considered, when she leaves the car, to run her over and get your money back. That part I had to find out from gamefaqs after I finished the game once and went into "MUST GET EVERYTHING" mode. Those who play video games know that feeling well.

Anyway, the moment just hit me and I laughed out loud with a "that's great." The girl getting the game went on about how one could kill the hooker and take the money, and it only works if you're driving a nice car.

Under normal circumstances I would have sided with the cashier. A look of "hmph" in my eyes would have said a lot. But, nah, I'm perfectly honest and, yes, in my heart of hearts, a game that lets you pick up prostitutes as a side effect of just being there is funny, in a Howard Stern kind of way.

And it felt good.

Now, why was my mother being so generous for a cell phone? She had gotten into an accident. In their new car (will be one year in September... as far as I'm concerned that's still new). Pretty big, too, although she was uninjured. Fender, door, and... ruined rim, tire, warped axle and on the side with the steering. Major frame damage. Poor mom. They still owe $2000 more than it's worth thanks to the depreciation... and while they have stop-gap insurance, the car wasn't totalled. They can fix it but it's going on the car report which will affect the resale value. And major problems to the drive axle and steering arms and stuff is impossible to ever fix correctly. Except at the dealer. Now, after a $500 deductable, they get repairs covered... at the local El Cheapo shop. Dealer means she'd pay the difference above what'd it'd cost the lowest bidders to the do the car. They call that balance bidding. And that'd be at least $2000. I am currently taking bets on whether or not it'll ever run well again.

So I'm being a driver and listened to Howard Stern in the morning. "I can't believe you listen to that crap," she told me. Coming from someone who watches those news magazine shows. With the breaking news that Eggplant Alfredo makes overdue women give birth. Really, I can't believe she watches that crap.

Thing is, if Groovy Girl confesses she watched the rag-TV I'd up and tell her that I can't believe she watches that crap. And I can because there's no pressure to get on her sweet side: I'm pretty sure I'm in her friend zone and she's unavailable and in any case I'm not geting anywhere with anyone for a while. And...

One place I can be completely honest with myself and the world around me is here. There's a comic whose name right now I think is "Fitzsimmons" that has a bit where he goes "I don't let people *beat* smoke in my apartment. *2 beats* Let me rephrase that. *2 beats* I don't let men *beat* smoke in my apartment."

My honest thing? "What the hell are you doing? Don't you know what cigarette smoke does to optics?" But, you know what, a woman smoking would counter that. Not because her exhaled smoke won't coat my CD-ROMs, but because I'll put up with it in exchange.

That doesn't seem entirely honest.

Thing is, I may have to a lot of exchanges to get where I'd like to be (as in, inside a girl). But the idea is that perhaps in comfort I can slowly shed and expose the true me.

Somehow I've got a crazy fool idea that you know the most honest form of me I put out there. And nobody's proclaimed me a source of evil in the world. Maybe things will actually work out for me in the end.

Maybe.

 

[Yonphi]

Et Tu?

Dear Microsoft:

After many years of defending you against the huddled masses of Linux users, I feel betrayed.

My purpose, as a computer professional, is to make technology invisible. I firmly believe that one shouldn't have to learn anything to use a computer. It isn't supposed to be a wedge between the haves and the have nots. Computers and technology is supposed to be transparent to the user. They just naturally use it.

Some don't share my vision and think that you are evil. Anything that brings computers to the masses, including a common 90% market share operating system between them, is good.

The professional community needs lower level nut-and-bolt access. Hiding your implementation behind proprietary code isn't fair to us. I understood the need for it, though. Since 1997 your products have significantly improved and it smacks in the face of those who hate you.

But, why, why why, after applying the latest IE6 security patch, am I having IE errors nearly three times a day? Sure I have more than 60 tasks running at any given time, but I always have a lot of stuff going on. You've never crapped out on me before like that. Windows 2000 is perhaps the ultimate Windows OS, but now it's just falling apart just like Win95 was designed to do and Win98 tried hard to defend against (and failed).

Sure I've got 6 IE windows open at any given time. I've got a lot of stuff to read up on. And when I need to post here I need to post. But crashing after I spent an hour writing out a lovely post here about feeling the need to go back to the way things were just isn't cool.

I just really wish your products wouldn't fall apart like a car at the end of it's warrantee. Now I'm spending my time writing this open letter to you instead of getting back to those kind enough to e-mail and PM me.

Not to mention rewrite what I had before. Now it'll just have to wait.

Sincerely,
Yonphi.

 

[Yonphi]

ISO Free Time

I'm a little disappointed in my time management these days.

It used to be much easier. Part time work and part time school makes things really easy. I had a set work schedule, and the days I wasn't in school I had time to persue interests. If I felt like coding, I'd code. If I felt like laying down a block diagram, I did it. Time for video games? Sure, go nuts. Plenty of time for e-mail and forum reading and stuff.

But things aren't that way anymore. Working "normal" hours means sitting in traffic more than I should have to. And that's time around my day. And breaks can't really be used for what I want because I need set up time. And everything just seems to take longer. Grocery store runs take longer because I can't go when nobody's there. I needed to send a payment with a tracking number at the post office and I had to go before work... but it doesn't open early enough. I had to get there early enough to be first in line, but after they open I had 20 minutes to drive across town and get to work. Talk about aggressive driving.

Here I am. No more code samples under my belt than when I last checked. My video game playing is lacking (I feel like a total badass when I play and do well... and if I don't have enough time like that I start feeling unskilled). And I had opened a line of chatting with someone new that I'd been meaning to have a block of time enough to chat with her.

She's pretty cool, too, from what I can tell. We'd only spoken once, so, hard to really say. I hope to chat with her again soon. After all, It's getting boring not writing about my Quest.

I've created a number of project workspaces in Visual Studio, and I've added a few classes but all the programs look pretty much the same. An SDI window, with a few added menu items and toolbar icons, some members and basic functions added to View and Document objects, but nothing worth writing home about. And then, I close the project out two hours from when I started with only a few chunks of code added in. And that code doesn't do anything because the other parts of code just don't exist.

Had I started with a plan to write 40 lines of code, I could get that done in a few minutes. But I sit there, envisioning something that doesn't make sense, that isn't useful, try to perform some Extreme Programming (a programming style in which you implement a project a single feature at a time, refining only by adding on or revising what already exists, not an "acceptedly academic" programming method but it's supposed to be very fast to write and get working code and/or proof of concept.

Two hours later I have a project with a few extra lines of code that doesn't do much than when I created the skeleton through the AppWizard. Nothing to show for it, the code I was writing really is going nowhere, and all I can do is scrap it and try again.

It's a coding rut I'm in. And that sucks. I feel like I have to force myself to do it instead of hanging out and chatting and playing games and watching TV.

Thing is, I know if I had more free time it'd be fine. My best stuff and inspiration happens at about 2pm. And at 2pm I'm not in a position to put my inspiration in a good place.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should quit and just immerse myself in "nothing to do" so I can actually produce some awesome stuff. I havn't produced awesome stuff in a long time. And that, too, makes me feel like a badass.

Whereas the dream I had last night that consisted 100% of a girl from work nude (free of breast implants, thankfully) pressing herself against my nude body. Not sexual, just... touch sensation. Warmth. And moisture between bodies trapped. A really strange dream, not really lucid, where nothing is said or done.

I wonder if my mind had entered a cocoon state and will soon break into something lovely.

...

Or grotesque.

 

[Yonphi]

Thoughts of Alone

Think things have been slow here? You're right.

I overheard something Friday while at work. K3 and I usually leave together and walk to the parking garage together. Other coworkers know this. Friday she was rushing me because she wanted to leave on time but my job had unfinished business. It's kind of neat: she walks all the way down to my office from where she was working just to spend at least 5 minutes with me walking to a parking structure.

While I was in my office finishing my nightly report, I heard her and another coworker talk in the copy room just about 6 feet away from my office door. K3 pleaded with me loudly to finish quickly so she could leave. And the coworker gave her a little flack for it. But she didn't know I heard her rag on K3. "You want to leave with him, huh?" and "Does he walk you to your car?" and "Do you hold hands?". And the responses? "Oh yeah" and "*pssh*" and "it's quite romantic." All a little sarcastic.

I'm not sure how to take all that. I wasn't supposed to hear, but a little spycraft is always good. What's that saying? "There is no knowledge that is not power?" Oh, wait, that was on one of the attract screens of Mortal Kombat 3.

I take it that she doesn't want me to up the ante. And to think that a while ago I was considering a "do-over". Then again, the idea that she didn't go "Oh my God you're such a retard" in the copy room suggests otherwise.

Ah, this knowledge isn't any good in leading to any side.

Tonight I had a little exploration. I ran out of energy at DDR rather quickly so I explored one step higher on the structure ladder and explored the property. This particular mall, when I had first moved here, was full of life. There was always some kind of concert on the lake and people out on paddleboats and bright lights and people just walking around doing nothing.
Now evidently the management has been taken over by the same kind of people that take over most Miami businesses. The don't-care-ians. They know they'll make business without these events, and while having them may make more business, they don't care. Why strive for excellence when the status quo is good enough for who it's for?
The place is a veritable ghost town. The mall itself is locked up to prevent access to the lake area. But it's just a little walk from the local Hooters to get there. I looked at the east/west sidewalk running under the north/south bridge and saw the gates they had installed to prevent people from walking on it (why I do not know). The whole U shaped area was littered with dead leaves and dirt. There were lightposts lit and many of the lights out, and trails of lights that would be best described as Christmas Lights with a large percentage burnt out.
All businesses along the waterfront were all closed and bolted, looking like they hadn't opened for years. A little ice cream stand stood abandoned: freezer still in place but without power. If I wanted a place to sit and read a book and never be discovered, it would be in that stand.

But the whole area is a Do Not Disturb area. I walked a bit on a wooden bridge and felt stray strands of spider web catch on my legs. Looking out to the lake I saw it was dark on the square platform where some band would play and it was completely dark. Just sitting there on the water. Closer still I stared at where the pump was dumping pitch black water in the lake from the bottom, trying to create a flow to some unseen filter at which it would try to remove that layer of oil floating on top.

It was strangely peaceful. Commercial decay is quite lovely. Like things have quieted and people have moved on and all that's left is a legacy nobody really intended on making into a legacy.

I was alone.

There were thoughts in my head that we're all alone. Forever. There is nothing to soften this blow: we are all alone forevermore. Even though with great girlfriends/boyfriends/spouces/significant others, we may not feel alone. But we are. Just so alone. Alone together, at they say.

On this bridge I stood. It seems that I have stopped these little endeavors for a while. And I know how. These things always leave me feeling empty and craving someone. And this isn't just about sex. I wish I knew why I want to love and be loved so badly. I don't even know what that's like, not even close, the true nature of love. But I want it, to be a part of it.

These trips help motivate with the depair that slowly ripples and flows throughout my soul, like that black water.

Going back, I saw a guy on some steps. From the distance it looked like he had his face buried in his lap. I figured I wasn't the first to draw some kind of unholy motivation from this place. As I drew closer inadvertantly (this particular bridge only goes two ways), the figure became more clear: it was two people. A couple making out in a location they reckon nobody would have found them at. Which brought an idea to me on a nice quiet secluded place to bring someone someday. However unlikely.

She had noticed me looking and they stopped. I felt a little guilty interrupting, but I didn't say or gesture anything to express it.

That empty feeling is getting harder to ignore. It's always been empty, but you really can't take the forelorn out of the forsaken.