Trials of Chastity

[Yonphi]

Live. Learn. Grow. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I really want to post more often. I really do. I don't know what's wrong.

Last trip to Local Arcade did not involve a run in with PL1. I had something very witty worked up, too.
PL1: "Where's your friend?"
Yon: "Oh, she's out having sex. Feh, priorities."

E5 has caught the first (plane/train/bus) (north/west/northwest) to E5H's home base. Evidently upon news that he was returning it wasn't more than 30 minutes before the packing began. For some reason that's completely unknown to me, she'll be returning to stay here for a month after a few weeks and then go somewhere else. I don't ask too many questions. I'm really not in the mood to ask questions on the logistics of her conjugal visit.

Thank goodness I had no expectations of, well, you know, scoring. Otherwise I'd feel bitter about the whole thing.

Well, more bitter. I knew I was backup, and I'd be pushed aside at the drop of a hat. No surprises or mysteries. But it's one thing when it's in your mind and another when it happens.

It was fun while it lasted. Oh well, there's always North Korea.

It isn't that I necessarily like the idea of war. It's just that the circumstances may prove eventful. Remember that story? About the monkey's paw and the wishes that were granted but always through evil means? It's like all those years of wishing for just a little taste, just a little sample. Just a foothold, to know what some things are like. Finally they've been granted, but not without a little bit of evil expended.

Achievment without the evil is paramount.

On her departure, we did hold hands for a bit and she kept asking me what's wrong. Like she was waiting for me to say something like "don't go" or something arrogant like "you should be with me instead" so that she can tell me off. What she doesn't know is that there really is nothing wrong. I have been disappointed the fun has stopped, but I'm not more disappointed since now she vents her sex drive with the person she's supposed to do so with.

They say strike while the iron is hot. Although it should be mentioned that I'm completely incompetant at ironing. I don't care about laundry, but I had to take shirts to the cleaners only because they'll press it, whereas I would screw it up. I just never learned, is all.

So the departure from "strike early, strike often" resulted in PL1's disappearance. I wonder if I'll run into her again.

Look at me. I'm so crushing it's silly. Part of it is the disappointment of labeling PL1 and not having them turn into L1 or a girlfriend.

But I did manage to prove something. Outside the window there was a cute female friend of an usually wacky guy I had met who waved at me and I ended up nearly losing my first song since it had begun while I was smiling and waving back.

"..."

What?

"..."

Jeez, what?
Oh, I know what's wrong. Yes, another cute girl. I'd be a liar to say I don't respond to looks. I won't say it's impossible to ignore it, but that's out of ignorance on how to truely ignore it.
Thing is, for first impressions, it's important. Call it "product positioning." Thing is, it doesn't really have that big an impact on me. A girl I feel I have good odds with (although historically I havn't got a damn clue) is not a function of how I think she looks.
Other parts of attractability -- such as personality, intelligence, humor, reactivity -- find themselves manifested into all around attraction. I remember being very very attracted to girls that, if things turned out the way I had planned, I probably would have gotten lots of flak regarding my selections.
It isn't because I'm a nice guy, it isn't because of that saying "You can't judge a book by it's cover," it isn't because of insecurity. I think it's proof that, in my brain, everything reduces down to a single value. A number by which my attraction is determined.

Thing is, I am very willing to give people a chance. I will give anyone a chance. Realisticly, it doesn't mean that anyone will do. Sexually, yeah, maybe. But, for something higher I doubt it.

Thing is, I want a chance. The vast majority of those on the list did not give me a chance. Either by not bothing to get closer and see what I am, or by knowing what I am and not caring to what kind of guy I can be when permission to be a boyfriend is issued.

L1 did happen. But not with PL1 (who will still be called PL1 for convenience's sake).

At a local gas station, I'd been pumping gas for about 10 minutes already for about 6 gallons. A car pulls on the other side and a girl steps out. I warn her about how slow it's pumping and recommend she go across the street to the other one. "Unless you'd like to stay here and chat with me."
A frown, and for the remainder of my fill-up she avoided eye contact.

Yep, lather, rinse, repeat.

 

[Yonphi]

Reasoning <-> Justification

My feet are cold. Right now, that is. I don't know why.

It's officially the hurricane season. And the rainy season as well. I am loving it spiritually. Not too long ago there was a lunar eclipse that I missed because it was so cloudy over my head, but from asking around, it wasn't like that everywhere and lots of folks actually got a good view.

Those should mean something. I feel like the two should be connected.

These are the sorts of things that cross my mind. Just a little preview of the uncensored thought process at this moment.

Nevermind that I've got a Michelle Wild porn clip playing in a little window on screen. It's just on to be on, at this time.

She her birthday is relatively close to mine, relatively meaning within a 5 month tolerance. :} You didn't think it'd be that easy, did you?

Oh, what the hell. I'm an Aquarius. You do the math.

Actually, no, there is no math involved. And if there is, it is trivial at best.

It turns out anyone born in 1980 pretty much attracts my attention when I see it on paper. There's something about different paths people can take that attracts me as such. Attracts is perhaps the wrong word. Triggers curiosity is more like it. It's not like being of similar age gets me anywhere that being of dissimilar age does not. It's nowhere on both counts.

Not to say I've never had an inkling of a clue. The title, Reasoning <-> Justification, is not just a textual adornment, it's actually going somewhere.

E1 has recently given me the reason why she didn't like me in that way. And yes, this was spawned a bit from discussion of her guy, who will from this point forward be known as Wonderful Tall Fiancee. He is taller than me, but he isn't what most people would call tall on the country-wide scale of things. The point of putting Tall in there is because instead of his label being WF, it gets to be WTF. :}

Take it from me, calling E1's special guy WTF -- the same thing one would say after a vending machine ate your dollar -- is not something she took well.

But I did get a reason and justification for her apparantly conscious decision. It turns out she had thought about it on more than one occasion. And by it I mean me. She thought about me in the context of a romantic situation more than once.

What went wrong was simple. I'm a softie. She told me that I'm just a super-sensitive softie, and she knew that she could never ever be with a guy like that.

You know what though? It's rare that a guy ever gets a reason when he's rejected. I'm really happy I got it, even though I'm not sure how to respond to it. Does it mean I need to be callous and cold? Do I have to take more abuse? Maybe I should take and dish out abuse. Is that it?

In my best Artie impression: "Sorry for being a decent guy."

All I need to do is run into the other 99 and make them spit out the reasons. Once I have that... woo... information overload.

My feet are still cold. E1 used to tell me, when I would broadcast that to her so long ago, that it meant my heart was beating faster than normal and my bloodflow was being diverted: a suggestion that I was horny and with an erection. Which is always the source of good conversation, I find.

Hmmm... ok, so the porn being on to be on just glazes over the facts. All day for some reason I've been "awake."

Foolish penis: don't you know nothing good is coming your way?

 

[Yonphi]

xor ax, ax

Say you want to put zero into a little CPU variable (a register, and those who know what a register is knows exactly what details I'm skipping and why). And old 8088 trick was to xor that register with itself. "xor" is an exclusive or, which is on if and only iff the two compared values are different. Since the comparison is something with itself, there will be no bit that doesn't match. Therefore the whole thing turns to zero.

Why bother? Well, you could just put 0 into your little 16-bit register. Sure. But in those days, a xor on register(s) is based on some basic hardware and would complete in one cycle (unit of time), whereas a "mov ax, 0" would take a little longer.

The trick is no longer useful from a speed standpoint, from what I understand about the x86 architecture. Filling a 16-bit register with an immediate value now takes exactly the same time as a xor. From what I understand, I can't find documentation on current processors on exact cycle-counts (and yes, if it was available, I would count cycles on a regular basis... I have before).

The point is: that it's fun. The purpose of "xor ax,ax" isn't immediately obvious while glancing code, while mov ax, 0 triggers a thought "put 0 into ax". Whereas "xor ax, ax" has a step between that and "clear out ax", and that is "exclusive or."

Now, the main use still around for it is that the code "xor ax, ax" turns into two bytes of machine code, while "mov ax, 0" turns into three bytes of code (the immediate value in the instruction is 16 bits because the destination register is 16 bits). So, for making that 4K demo for your presentation on the Demo Scene, it's important.

The geeky?
xor ax, ax is, in byte code, 31 C0... or 00110001 11000000
mov ax, 0 is B8 00 00... or 10111000 00000000 00000000

The worst part? I've got that memorized.

"You're wasting my time again."

Don't you find this sort of thing mind expanding? Look at it this way, when you're feeling down that your kid knows more about computers than you do, rest assured that, chances are, they don't know the above. After all, nobody teaches assembly language because it's "no longer necessary."

Feh. A wasted cycle is a wasted cycle, no matter how convenient it was to code.

And for those who cry "wah wah the code is unreasonable"... sorry, that is not a valid excuse. It's not my fault you can't read code. You can do it your way if you want, but the best optimizing compiler won't ever be able to emulate the creative optimizations that assembly programmers have been doing since their IPL.

(and to any potential employer, I do realize that I have conveniently left out "cost effectiveness." It's cost effective only to super-optimize things that the application will spend a lot of time in or will take an extreme amount of time in an algorthm that cannot be mathematically optimized further.)

The point was the part where "xor ax, ax" kind of causes someone not used to seeing it to kind of step back for a split second. It's something simple in disguise. The planned coincidence, also, is that it puts zero in the register.

I need to reset to zero.

I've got a psycho-brain when it comes to love. It's a convoluted mess of pasta. (Incidently, code that should be scrapped and rewritten in a more streamlined fashion because it's so scattered and convoluted is called "spagetti code".) The consequence is that I misinterpret everything.

Today there was a meeting. After getting through the agenda it pretty much is an excuse to kick back and socialize and goof off until people start noticing that the meeting is taking unusually long. A theory I had is that if we don't take a long time on a regular basis, then when we do take a long time due to content we won't be able to justify leaving our posts for so long. Kind of like how the public works department does work on roads that don't need work done in order to keep the budget high. Because if they cut their own budget and save the taxpayer some money, they're afraid that, later, if they need more money they won't get it.
Like it matters. When the government wants money they'll take it. $350 billion in tax relief? Who cares? It's less than 1% of the US GNP. How about cutting 1% of government spending? Lets start there. *end rant*

But I digress. In this meeting there was talk about this rapist that's still at large in the area. Girl talk I have no place to say a damn thing about. Someone sitting next to me said something that I didn't hear and looked at me and smiled. I made a "huh? what did you say?" face, and she winked.

My best guess is that what she said was something like "You really should cut it out, (Yonphi), no means no." And I didn't respond favorably so the wink was perhaps to compensate for a non-chuckling look on my face.

This is because now I have the clarity to figure it out. At that moment I gulped a little bit. I was staring right into her eyes, got a wink and a smile and she turned back to the rest. All the shit that's happened to me over the years, craving and yearning for female approval warped my mind.

I spent the whole of 30 minutes wondering if she was interested in me.

As you can see, I clearly need to have my reset button pushed. Of course you can't hit it, so you need a paperclip or something to stick it in the little hole in the back of my neck and hold it pressed for 5 seconds.

I concluded, no, I don't think she's interested. She actually is one of many (these days it seems) women I encounter with breast implants. I would fear hitting on her simply because I knew her before she had them and I wouldn't want her to think that I'm only hitting on her because of that. Even though it's been almost two years already.

And yes, this means I do care what she thinks. Especially if what she thinks has a direct impact on whether or not I can actually get a date. Although, to be fair, I probably wouldn't try for her since I really don't think she likes me in that sort of way.

But who knows. Maybe I'll feel more random tomorrow.

 

[Yonphi]

Tying Loose Ends

Yes, it seems that anything eventful these days happens at Local Arcade. Just going by my gut feeling, I think good things will happen to me there as far as girls go. However, it should be mentioned that so far, nothing awesome has happened there. I just I'm going to keep wasting time there until a gamer chick pounces on me. Or, oh, I don't know, falls off the DDR machine or something. (it's possible: I know I have!)

Last evening I went and found a groovy girl (and I almost never use "groovy"). I complemented her on her performance, and she made a mention of her boyfriend who is a veteran at it.

See, that I respect. She knew she had to establish the fact that she was taken. She did so proactively, instead of reactively. The level of trust I have in that statement is much better than how the existance of a boyfriend conveniently is mentioned after I pretty much declare intentions to eventually try to become one.
Well done, groovy hat girl. Well done. Such a thing makes me smile because there are a whole myriad of leading-on scenarios that had been cut at the source. Dance on, groovy hat girl.

Loose End 1: The T-Girl
From how little we communicate these days, she seems to be doing well. She's gotten her degree in whatever it was she was in, but last I hear she's got dreams to be a housewife and take care of ten kids.
What a waste of money, is all I'll say. But who am I to judge?

Loose End 2: The Hair
The hair grows. I think I'm loosing some, actually. Which is driving me batty with anger. Just what I need to be. BALDING. Although E5 had reassured me that having long hair means you'll find hairs coming out and all over the place. Doesn't matter though. I'm still raiding my father's cabinet for the Rogaine. And then it occurs to me. My biology teacher lied to me. My maternal grandfather's full head of hair... and she claimed that the hair-loss gene was passed through the mother's side.
It's totally not fair. Not fair at all. It pisses me off to no end that I am going to have another strike against me when it comes to women's opinions of me.

Loose End 3: The Personals
Quietly I had pulled my ad from the personals. Not one bleedin' response this time. I did pick up an el-cheapo webcam way back when so that I may post a picture to accompany it. Actually, as far back as when things were turning interesting with Ms. Robinson. By the time I got it hooked up and working, I was already disheartened on not getting any responses at all. At that point I figured if nobody was interested in me then they wouldn't be interested in a picture and I never posted it.
Then there's the rather inconvenient thing that, if I'm synchronized in my personals posting and my announcing of it, and my picture is up, then there goes my cover.
Then there's the pro active approach. Some things I see bother me, like when I see 25 year old women seeking ages 25 - 35 (I've discussed this before), or when they put specific heights or weights or eye/hair colors. I guess it's that I respect the creedo that "This is what I want. If you do not fit, I do not want you. No you are not an exception" when a woman plays it.
I'd much rather see, for a "what I want" space, a line that simply reads: "if you're cool, then that's cool."

Loose End 4: The Sex

...

No further progress reported. No further progress anticipated. Yarg, I want a glimmer of hope.

 

[Yonphi]

Frustrated

This stopped being funny 6 years ago.

Often I'll remind that while I was chumming it up with two-fiddy, I wasn't girlfriend hunting. Oh sure, I wouldn't turn my nose at a chance for romance, I wasn't actively seeking it.

Hopefully I will never rhyme again.

But, somewhere along the line I changed my opinion and figured I should be actively trying with each and every one. Sure there was the idea that I was closer to my goal with them than anyone else, making it convenient. But, when exactly did things change?

It was graduation day. Well, no, actually, it wasn't. Graudation day was maybe 4 weeks away. The realization came to me that made things stop being funny.

The sex-race isn't something I was actively engaged in. I didn't really have male friends with which to trade notes and progress with. Sex is something I wanted, yes, but it just wasn't that important. "It'll happen," embracing the advice given to me, "don't worry. Like falling off a log."
But things started becoming more and more clear as things were going on that this is not the case. Talk, dare I say, even flirty talk, always stopped short of going well. Example: in a room before classes one day, C8, C9, E2, and E4 (plus some unmentionables) were hanging out together. I was sitting on my ankle as I occasionally do and E2 pulled out her Hello Kitty ruler and measured the bottom of my foot. She placed it twice, said a thing or two about "compensating for the size of the shoe over the foot" (a woman after my heart, only not), and did a repeated nod thing and said "not bad." Other girls looked amongst themselves and had a smile/look/nod conversation amongst themselves of few words.
What's a guy to do? "Well, if you wanted to know all you had to do was ask." I start to get up (and yes, I'm obviously bluffing, although these days I probably wouldn't) and almost in unison I get "Oh, no, please, don't."

Well fuck. Way to stop a train of sexually-charged conversation. Doesn't matter if it was my fault.

And no, I wasn't oblivious. I saw as these friends went out on dates, shared with my their sexual exploits, the glazed eyes thinking about boyfriends when they had them. I saw them walking to attract guys and wearing hot things and stuff.
I presume that with male friends it would be jealousy in action and drive to be the best. In this case, it was a hollow feeling that I ended up shrugging off most of the time. I wanted to be the one to do such things, to produce the glazed eyes, and generate stories of exploits she would share with her friends.

I dreamt of having a girl tell another that I was a good lay, pupils dialated, holding her cheeks and blushing slightly.

But these sorts of things were ignored.

Until things started approaching. I was going to graduate. Soon enough I was going to be initiated into adulthood not knowing what others know. I've passed the grade, but I'd been left behind. It's frightening. It really is. And a source for sorrow.

These days it's been less and less sorrow. But, the flip side is that there's more and more frustration. I'm incredibly frustrated right now. I don't understand what is wrong with the world.

And I start to feel entitled to having a lover.

Read that sentence again before continuing.



What's wrong with that? It's entitlement. People are entitled to nothing. "God given rights" exist because a society wishes to grant them. I am entitled to nothing. People who feel that they are entitled to something will not work to get it: entitlements do not require work.
Thing is, I try. And I fail. People just stumble into convenient little relationships in which they progress ever closer to fulfillment. But I don't. And that's frustrating. And if this frustration leads to a sense of entitlement then this indicates something bad.

At least that's not the only thing in the works. At least there is still drive to work at it. Thing is.... work how? Do the same thing I always do? Anything that's happened so far is due exclusively to dumb luck. How can I work on something there the amount of effort put in does not corrolate with the returns?


When it was time to begin the exodus, I reasoned that I was closer to the two-fiddy than others and therefore I felt very likely to get somewhere. It never happened. I considered that it may have been that I waited to long before expressing interest. And after E7 has shown that this is not the case because length of time also has no impact on my success rates.



Oooh, they're playing Swimming with Sharks on IFC. Life's little pleasures.

 

[Yonphi]

Playing the Harp

If I were to be asked, "how do you see yourself touching a woman," that would be an easy answer. "Like playing a harp."

Note the question is "how", not "why" (answer: because if she'll let me, I have no reason not to), "when" (answer: anytime I can), "where" (answer: anywhere that won't get me kicked out of the place, plus a few extra places I wouldn't mind getting kicked out of), or "what" (answer: touch her, of course).

Now, I've never touched the business end of a harp. To really play that instrument, I presume it looks a lot more difficult strengthwise than it may appear. After all, you are strumming a bunch of taught wires.

But watching it, playing the harp looks so graceful. The musician pulling their arms towards them, selectively hitting harmonious threads with fingers in the appropriate order. How... mathematically optimal.

See, you can hit every damn thread and a few of them would be the correct one. But that's not math. If you really want to know what math is all about, it's cutting through the clutter and finding the truth. "What is the value of pi?" "Ah, somewhere between 3.1415 and 3.1416" "Well, there's an infinite number of values in there. Your answer just doesn't cut it."
And the reason why I like programming. It's the algorithm. An elegant collection of instructions to determine the truth, not brute force elimination.

Beautiful music finds it's formula, mixed with inspiration and some randomness. In the infinite combinations possible, picking the right ones at the right times can be nothing less.

So, yeah. I'm finding it a little difficult to connect the analogy for some reason. But when I think of touching a woman, I think of delicately and selectively touching someone precious.

I was reminded of this today. K3 visited me today in my no-longer-brand-spanking-new job-that-all-of-a-sudden-pays-less-and-has-fewer-hours-than-I'd-prefer.

We were alone together for a bit. She's turned diabetic recently, and wanted to show off a few battle scars from the glucose testing devices and the insulin injections. I had to pull real close to check.

I could smell her. The scent of a human. And felt her warmth, holding her hands and studying her fingertips.

She wanted me to check her arm for marks from where she had her sister inject her with insulin. She lifted her sleeve and I stroked her upper arm gently. Looking for marks (since that was what she had wanted me to do so I had better do so), but gently touching her with my hands. In part of my mind I was thinking of touching E5's arm in a similar fashion which resulted in her being extremely relaxed. And in another part of my mind, I was comparing the sensation... delicate female flesh. And in yet another part of my mind I was thinking that this might be sending a signal to K3 of how I would touch her. You know, before and after hot raw monkey sex. Don't forget that.

"Anything?"

The moment was broken. I answered her with no, and complemented her birthmark. It's positioned like precisely center where you would drill a pin for a miniature model.

I find it neat. I tell her this.

Perhaps I planted a seed or something. No, not that kind of seed (...), but a seed of a thought. Maybe subconsciously I communicated some of the things I was thinking of.

That'd be neat, too.

 

[Yonphi]

Mental Shadows

I've finally picked up programming for fun again. There has been a few projects here and there, mostly to test out new gained skills. But nothing that can "go gold." Nothing with a nice refined interface and a complete program like that. A lot of "input file -> process -> output file -> exit" or "loop -> exit on Esc".
I've just found it difficult to actually pick something up. But I've got one. I need a cheapie little graphics editor. GDI+ is brand spanking new to me. And Bitmap::LockBits is driving me crazy... my parameters which are pretty much identical to the sample... yet the sample does not crash and the hack does. Arrg.

And it makes me frustrated. This reminds me back in the day learning MFC and doing it one bit at a time. I write a bunch of code that belongs in a different object in which I thought it would be simply because I didn't have enough experience to know. And that reminded me of playing around with assembly language for the first times. Locking up the machine all the time. My poor 486 has hard crashed so many times I think the power button was ready to wear out.

I smiled at a completely random girl today in a store. She looked back, pretended I didn't exist, and looked back. You know, where someone looks at you but their eyes are kind of focused behind you, even though there's absolutely nothing there? Yep. At that point "my rap" (as in, futility on a stick) was left on the roll.

Driving home after that, I had, ah, visions and feelings. Not quite hallucinations, but I was daydreaming a bit. I dreamt for a little bit about the few times Ms. Robinson and I had phone sex, remembering the voice and the breathing and the visions. I dreamt about the giggly-time after we came and the way I felt laying there. I dreamt a little about E5, the way she grabbed the back of my head and pulled me towards her more than I was already pressed against her chest while feeling her vaginal wall tense and squeeze against my fingers. I sat there, driving in the granny lane at the speed limit, cars frustratedly passing. And I was remembering events and reliving moments.

And these moments being relived don't suck. That's nice.

So it occurs to me that this is a point. One of many. The point of experiences is to relive them and to grow with them. I do feel, now that I think about it, a little more complete than I did 9 months ago. Happier. Events, dumb luck or not, helped gain experience and this experience helps me be happier. Level up, if you will.

I definitely owe Ms. Robinson a big thank you that I'll take a little moment to say. I also owe E5 a big thank you that I can't take a moment here because she doesn't read this.

Hmm... actually, wait. I remember hearing that you never thank a girl for anything sexual. Ever. The reason why escapes me at the moment. But, how do you express appreciation (outside of a upward spiral of mutuality, which I am (that is, outside))?

So... extrapolation. Perhaps it's optimism to make up for feeling pessimistic for no reason. Events willing, someday I will have a collection of women I've had sexual relations with (or did not have sexual relations with, in a quick Clinton impression). And in the memory, I will remember a special part that they played in my life.

The special part that each of them play in my memory would be one that would make me smile and feel comforted and accepted, instead of cold and rejected like The List.

They say that people just want to be accepted in life. One at a time seems alright.

While much different from frustration, it is still the case.
Right this moment, comforted by these shadows, I feel content.
I imagine how things might be someday. That my Trials become Tales of sufferring towards a reward. And that I may tell them from a vantage point of a life well lived.
Shadows floating in my mind, they do more than I think the people they had spawned from would ever be aware of.
And to think I'm still a virgin yet.

Right this moment I feel content.

 

[Yonphi]

How To Piss Off A Girl in 36 Hours

If there's one thing I know how do to well, it certainly isn't getting laid. What can I do really well with roughly the same number of people involved and no more additional equipment than sex requires (anything extra is optional, after all)? Why, piss women off, of course! Go, me.

No, E5 didn't find this journal. But had she, things could only get worse.

Yesterday, around noon, I phone up E5. I had to get some essentials from Walmart and I hate going there alone. Not because I'm a codependant, mind you, but because the cashier lines are always obscenely long and it's boring standing there while they swipe the card for the 19th time before it dawns on them that they should type it in. I walk in, bee-line to the electronics department, pick up 100 CDRs to delay getting a bigger hard drive ($30 is less than $120 every day of the week (and I will never again have a hard drive slower than 7200rpm)), walk to a cachier (total time approximately 4 minutes) only to stand there for 15 minutes waiting to pay.

I call, I get a call back in a few minutes. Why? She's talking to E5H. Hey, no sweat. By definition I should lose that phone battle.
Enter 30 minutes later. Call again, call back in half an hour. Still on. The key the first time 'round was "minutes" and I called 30 later. Then it was "half an hour." Which I shall interpret as more than 15 hours. Hey, at this point I'd better wait for her to call.

I didn't go to Walmart yesterday. I hate that place that much. I did get a phone call, though. When I was already psyched out of going, she said I should go, pick her up from her nagging family (her husband, for reasons that have not been made clear to me, is not here at the moment) and go with her there.

Now, you know the feeling you get when you've settled completely into your surroundings? Add to that the fact that I'm working on some programming projects. Actually, more than usual since I'll soon be for-real looking for a computer job. I'd like to be in gaming, and I need to produce sample-code to demonstrate my style sufficiently.

Settled down with a decaf sugar-free cappuccino, working around bugs in GDI+ 1.0, torrenting porn... sorry, I'm not going anywhere. If she was still sexually pent up, MAYBE. Which, by the way, is a really rotten thing to think. I said no. She tried very hard to make me feel stupid for declining. That I did not appreciate one bit. "I don't feel like it" is reason enough. Please don't say things like "you're boring" in retaliation because it doesn't want me to hang out with you more. Make me feel like it and I'll go. Abuse doesn't help.

The next day I almost got an appology. "Things were going badly at home, I was hoping you would come and rescue me, but I shouldn't look at you like that since I'm married." My stupid ass answer? "If you're feeling that way, why are you trying to kill it?"

Which I think is a perfectly legitimate question, to be honest. Since the first night we were parked in the middle of the night, things have been a little different. She'd been calling me more, writing more, been around more. Eating meals together, hanging out after work, playing video games, watching movies, watching porn... I dare say it was a dating process between people that should not be doing so. But that's stuff I'd do with friends anyway (if I had any friends left). But it was more than that. We had a little naughty fun in the middle of the day and then went out for chinese food. She'd almost never lead, but she'd let me kiss her for no reason. She'd hold my hand. Nothing uncomfortable about it.
If she were to leave E5H for someone, I would have to say that if it were one month ago, it'd be for me. And I just thought of this right this moment. And I'm not sure how it makes me feel.

But whether I think that's a legitimate question or not, doesn't mean I should have asked it. The response was only logical. "You aren't even half the man _____ is." Let it not be said she turns the other cheek.

I dropped the subject quickly, but then it became "are you coming to the welcome home party next week?"

A goal in my life is to avoid being hypocritical whenever possible. Being at the welcome home party means I'm pleased that he's back safe and sound. Now, had he not ever existed she wouldn't be married. That may be good, but then she wouldn't have moved and then come back during the war and been lonely, which would remove a little bit of gained events under my belt. So he has to exist. But coming home early isn't something I appreciated. After all, we weren't going to do anything again but that's something that developed when she got word that he was coming home early, I am now convinced.
It would be hypocritical of me to be there and smile and pretend. As far as E5 is concerned, hey, she likes him more so then it wouldn't be bad for her to be there.

I tell her this. Bad move number two. But, see, had I not made this bad move, then I would have to release my claim that I am AWESOME at getting women pissed off at me.

There's just something about this that makes me not want to think about it. I'm not sure what exactly it is. Maybe it's that since she was away I realize what a hold over me the "naughty/pseudo-romantic time" has. And the power had worn off. Maybe it's that I'd been frustrated doing everything I'm doing and still not finding anyone willing to be with me.

Maybe I'm much more pissed off at E5H than would be reasonable for a guy like me.

This episode is quickly becoming anti-inspirational. Have I been a dickhead? I don't compromise my views to get laid, and so I don't think I should compromise to keep people pacified with unreasonable concessions.

But... am I just naive to think that someone will love me the way I am, without changing?

Is that what's wrong with me? Myself?

 

[Yonphi]

Unqualified

A little set back. Yeppers. E5 not answering my calls, I've just got a big old question mark over my head while I look at a box that has mysteriously appeared in the middle of my room and saying, "it's just a box."

I mentioned not terribly long ago that E1 told me I was a big softie and that's a reason why she could never let me be anything to her. And she's so right. One little spat where I think I was being too moody (and I have no legitimate reason to be especially moody) and I start telling myself I'm no good.

There is a wonder in my soul about other men. How an average guy would treat this situation. Would they mull about trying to keep busy? Maybe. Or it's just me.

If this is the sort of thing I have to look forward to when "for real" dating (that is, dating someone who wishes to make herself available to me in a manner that she does not already have in a boyfriend, if you like drawn out definitions), then I'm clearly completely unqualified for the job.

A big softie. I feel like I'm getting upset over something stupid and that gets me even more upset. And with this upsettedness (is that even a word?) all I can do is hack away to things I don't need to do.

There is a thread that I had been avoiding for a while in my lurking. Happy Marriage. I just don't want to think about anything about that at the moment. But I wandered in there and said to myself "Oh, that's what deez e-mailed me about. Is that all?"

(There's always Retardical Sam and Nomdeplume and others I can't remember off the top of my head, too.)

I don't really have an opinion on the whole thing, otherwise it would have been the 3rd thread I've ever posted in. (Yeah, pretty close to jumping in, but, well, you know.)

But, yep, thinking "I can be who I am and that's the end of that" is going to be a problem, if one of the keys to a good relationship is compromise. Now, I've never thought that a couple should agree on everything, but it's always been kind of undefined. I'm the type that likes differences because it makes me question what I believe, and forces me to justify them.
But I wouldn't want someone compromising for something I would want. I wouldn't feel right about it.

Apparantly that's part of the game that I need to learn, or else I'll never win it.

Thing is, I've never really gotten to the point when difference of views or principles or behavior has been an issue. I'm fighting a losing battle from the get go.

Gotta tell you, I wish those who I would run into and try my luck with were interested in dating many different types of people. And a definition of "different types of people" that doesn't automatically exclude me.

But I can't feel too rotten. I've got a strange e-mail. There's a site I had joined LONG ago, since it's inception. Anime-Love. Hey, like I said, somehow I get the feeling just talking around with a few that anime fangirls seem like a good bet. I wasn't really into it back then, but I did pick up a few things. I'm much more into it now.
This is like an anime-only personals site. And I got a message. After I don't know how many years. Hmmm... at least Orlando is closer. Honestly, I forgot I had it. And it's a good thing I'm actually getting into it because it's good timing.

But I'm not counting chickens just yet. I've been in this kind of thing before, where I let it pick up my spirits really high, and then when I come crashing down to reality I feel completely demotivated.

Hence computer stuff. And TV stuff. I've watched the longest block of TV in a long time today. Skipping to that, I laughed out loud for maybe a solid five minutes seeing a commercial for a combination gas and charcoal grill. The guy steps in a jaw trap and falls to the ground, and urges his grill to go get help.

A good laugh is good therapy.

And, in addition to the distraction, if you havn't been to the supplement recently, take a look. It might be time to change the avitar and I just can't bring myself to do it because I like my face-in-the-fire a lot. But a change might do me good.

At least I'm fully qualified for web technology, no matter how sloppy and long-to-load the supplement page is. I'll split it up someday. Honest. I keep putting it off, is all.

But, when it's not computers, it's on the job training. Do girls come with training wheels?

 

[Yonphi]

Training Wheels

Evidently certain specially marked boxes comes with training wheels.

...

Oh, come on. It was a completely unintentional pun.

The only reason why I say it is because I actually heard someone make a training wheel reference today. One eye is wide open and the other is suspiciously closed. Groovy Hat Girl (who hasn't worn a hat ever again) made a training wheel reference while we were in Local Arcade

It set me back for a second, is all. Although the thought that went in through my head reemerged when the realization came that we didn't even know each other's names and we had been sharing many a DDR session. I was very close to saying my name, and then following up with "those that really know me call me Yonphi."

So tempted. I'm not sure why.

Actually, no, I do know why. I hide a secret. It's a better secret than being a virgin. It's a secret of a "double life", sort of. Here I freely share my insecurities and vulnerabilities and doubts, and out there I'm just a guy, blending into the populace.

I've been looking to dump The Lie, actually, and the notion that someone discovering my secret and enjoying my company anyway feels nice. A good way to go straight, if you forgive my inmate talk.

Ack, what am I saying? She's got a boyfriend. Contrary to prior actions, I have no intention of making a habit out of being Other Man. Then again, that was like 2 weeks ago. And... maybe...

But I didn't. The shroud stays on. But a good time none-the-less. And I hope you'll forgive the SomethingAwful reference.

So I guess I have a friend. I am, however, paying a lot of attention to words and symbols and actions. A lot more than I would normally do. This time I am going to pay super special attention and see if I can determine where the edge of friend is and the crossroads into which one can become something higher or a "friend-zone victim." I can't promise I'll finally crack the code, but any research helps.

On the K3 front, she's been stressed out about an HIV screening she was having done. The interesting thing, is that it didn't stop her from having sex with an ex-boyfriend. Yikes. She got her results back today, so she feels relieved.
Although I'm convinced that the only reason condoms are 95% effective is that it takes some brain power to work them correctly. Human error will just drag things down, you see.

Speaking of which, Mar 2003 already passed. I'm going to delay getting any more until I have reason to believe I'll be getting any.

Anyway, K3 is visiting me tomorrow after we get out from our respective jobs. She's coming over and I'm going to teach her multi-variable calculus. Or... not. She wants to go back to school and wants an algebra refresher. I'll at least try to sneak in a little differentiation... to make her life easy of course.

I'll be honest with you. I don't remember the quadratic formula. It's proven useful before for interesting problems, but more often than not, root finding is much easier without it when you have the theory to go with it.

I wonder if that vantage point will bear any fruit. If she's gotten laid just last weekend with no strings attached I have a feeling my odds are less than if that wasn't the case. But we'll see.
A girl is coming over... and I just cleaned up my desktop. From 7 9-row columns of icons to 3 colums. Not too shabby.

And yet, I've got a Buy.com catalog strewn across my floor. Why must they send me these things? I like I have the money for a new hard drive. And progressive-scan HDTV. And video games. And a new automatically-duplexing printer with individual ink cartridges. And a new 21" monitor to use that 2nd video output. And a digital camera. Make that a digital camcorder. And speaker setup. How much do you think I'd get for a kidney? Not much: aren't people like worth $5 in raw materials?

If you'll excuse me, Cartoon Network just showed an episode of X-Men Evolution. And there was this scene where Rouge and Kitty were dancing that was pretty hot.

There very clearly is something wrong with me.

 

[Yonphi]

Little Alien

I think every child, at one point in time or another, considers the possibility that they are an alien. My time came and went. Too bad, because I'd really like to think about it today.

As it turns out, I'm a terrible salesman. I posted an auction about two weeks ago on http://www.kinkybids.com/ for some DVDs I was getting rid of (reposted as http://kinkybids.com/cgi-bin/auction/auction.pl?category=dvd5&item=1055730071, self-pimping set aside). No bids. That could also explain a lot of problems I have in general. I fail to tap into the instinct for others to give me stuff.

But who knows. Maybe things will look up. I just havn't run into PL1 in a while, nothing too irreversable. And there's always Groovy Hat Girl. Not to mention K3, who had flaked on our study date to be rescheduled for a future day. Oh, and Anime-Personals Girl.

Hmm... I wonder if this means I'm a multitasker?

Answering the question before it's asked, if any one of them wants me, I'm theirs. And fully intend to be faithful and unique.

"Oh, I see, so you're going to chase four skirts at once, huh?"

Damn it, I just answered that. Honestly, though, with my track record, I might as well knock them down a bunch at a time. It took me about 13 years to get to 100, so if I do it four at a time, I'll get another 100 in 3.25 years.

*shudder*

So back to the alien business. This is sort of akin to being a Third, in a non-Armitage sense of the word.

Today I had one of those "I don't belong" moments. Just walking in a crowd, people minding their own business. And I'm looking at them, like they are drones. I just feel completely out of place and yearning for someplace I belong. I'm thinking about why I've got so many hack attempts on my machine... even before publicising the address anywhere.
Evidently I'd been found via a port scan. Thing is, my firewall is up to date, and the server's been patched up. These things are so stupid. I've got buttnutts trying to download cmd.exe for some reason. Thing is, I've got a little read-only sandbox from which all this stuff goes (the voting results page connects to a database outside the sandbox, but that's just through a ODBC bridge). And I can't figure out why they would want to download cmd.exe especially if it won't run arbitrary code.
Then again, the power did flicker off a day ago. I didn't realize it, but the system was stuck at the POST screen for about 10 hours waiting for me to aknowledge that I don't have a keyboard by pressing F10: a common error when the computer power flickers just right. Always entertaining. Had I been ripping a DVD I would have been quite pissed, but it wasn't doing anything.

Perhaps this calls back towards wanting to come home to the arms of someone precious. Or coming home and turning on the lights, setting the AC to a non-sweltering temperature, and start marinating the salmon for someone precious coming home. And this computer talk? If that someone precious could understand, and advise me that I trace the IP addresses of those script kiddies and hack them back, that would make be glow with happiness.

But that's far too much to ask for. That I know. And, all in all, isn't that important. You can learn a lot from people just by having differences. I really want differences so that I can grow as a person, not just a rehash of stuff I already know.

Although, to answer the hypothetical question before it's asked, yes, if there existed a female clone of myself (that is, a physical and mental clone except that this clone is female) I would want to be with her. Perhaps such a thing exists in alien technology?

Now, I don't seriously believe I'm an alien. But if I were to be abducted, and feel kinda cozy and content through it all, it would explain a few things.

 

[Yonphi]

Still Got It

I'm in a very good mood right now. But, much like when I'm in a very depressed mood, it's usually not for anything appropriate.

Anime Girl gave me her number. Too soon for that, me thinks, since at this point we really don't have anything to talk about. I think we're still in the preliminaries of learning who exactly we are. It's her cell, which either has big points insofar that she wants to make sure she gets me call, or negative points insofar as that it isn't connected to a residence and can be changed as easily as getting a new cell phone is. Big points in that cell phone usage is more expensive than land line usage, negative points in that it's very easy to call at an inappropriate time.

I don't own a cell phone. Don't need it. There's been a time with my old car in which I needed help. And with that I strapped those little cadallacs on my feet tightly and walked on over to where a payphone is and plunked my hard earned 35 cents. No, that wasn't fun, but it wasn't so painful in that I felt it was necessary to get one.

For about an hour I stared at the phone charging on its base. What a bold move, calling someone right out of the blue. Who knows what she was doing? If she wanted me to call, I presume since we've only e-mailed a few times it's to get to know me. But I'm not used to calling people I don't know. Much different than real life, in which body language communicates a lot of what is unsaid with a stranger. Calling friends already known is easy. There is rapport.

I called. She was "walking out the door". It was a little awkward. She pronounced a few syllables I didn't really interpret as words, which confused me a little. She asked I call her tomorrow morning. Which I will do, but this was so incredibly awkward that I have to say that, yes, I still got it. I find this extremely funny, hence the good mood.

Here's some advice I've come up with in regards to awkward moments.

1) Speak at the same exact moment the other person speaks. Do this several times. The nervous laugh that follows is completely natural.
2) "huh?" is your best friend. Say it a lot. You will be disappointed.
3) Make sure to say "how are you doing?" multiple times, as a rhetorical question.

As you can see, when it comes to awkwardness, I've still got it.

So I've got some vacation time coming up. It's paid, and it pays the same as if I was working, so I'm going to take it. Not like it'll matter much. I was planning to pick up an upgrade to a full time position which didn't exactly follow through. I most certainly can't go on a Yonphi World Tour. I had requested the time a LONG time ago.

And I still havn't told E1. I really must get around to letting her know I'm not visiting as previously planned. Although I don't really want to bring it up since talk about WTF got her pretty pissed. I'm thinking I'm no longer invited. But she'll read this and either tell me I'm overinterpreting or tell me I'm dead right, emphasis on the dead part.

Thing is, after my vacation I've been told I can get that upgrade. Seems to me, in my professional opinion, that the manager just didn't want to deal with coverage for a full-time person when she could deal with coverage for a part-time person instead.

Quickly losing respect. I'll spend most of the vacation plotting out how much money's worth of a safety net I need to move and seek my destiny elsewhere.
Oh, and, sleeping late. Oh man, that's gonna feel sooooo good.

It would feel even better if I got a chance. And I'm trying very hard not to feel TOO happy because nothing is really tuned to cause it. Things are clomping along with Groovy Hat Girl, who is pending a new name having never worn that hat again. We're at a point where we're clasping hands in victory or strength. During a prayer in preparation for playing Legend of Max. I can't do it on heavy, but I got it almost down on Standard. Hey, it's still 9 feet on that level.
Again I'm reminded about how nice to touch female skin is. Soft and silky. I'm convinced that if I were female, I'd totally be a lesbian. Well, I had been convinced of that, but now I've actually got one concrete reason.
Now, my skin ain't bad. No pimples or anything, just a scar or two from that bike accident (they say chicks dig scars, but this has yet to be verified). My skin is just, well, skin. The only parts of skin that I routinely touch because it's nice are my elbows and my earlobes. Oh, and something else too but that for purely sexual reasons. I just like rubbing the slack skin on the elbow when my arm is straight. And my ear lobes? I rub them between two fingers like I would a cat.

But she's a lot of fun. I like hanging out with her: boyfriend or not. So far so good as far as Friend Zone analysis goes. Non-intimate hand holding. For about 30 seconds. Conclusions: none yet. No idea. But when I do discover, I can trace backwards.

K3? She's a very interesting person. I had an excuse to side-hug her (that is, walking abreast and reaching around and pulling her tightly). And she laughed a little. It wasn't a complete disaster, and I did it without any quivering or hesitation

Yay.

E5 still hasn't contacted me. I've completely given up on her. Again. We'l see how things develop, but hopefully nothing for a while because it's a little confusing shifting between so many things going on.

Tell you what, though, I am definitely overdue for a lucid dream. I wonder what's wrong?

 

[Yonphi]

Negative Reenforcement

Putting faces to names, I met Groovy Girl's (adjusted name from Groovy Hat Girl) boyfriend, or, rather, recalled who he was.

Local Arcade's got a few regulars. In the beginning when I was starting to become a regular, I remember seeing these two together. It's one of those couples that I try to ignore at all costs: lots of establishing, in service to the general public, exactly where they are by kissing every other minute. In ignoring them, I ignore the individuals. It makes sense: the girl I shouldn't pay attention to because she's an Unavail, and the fact that they're doing that sort of thing means that they're either not having any relationship difficulties or they're making up from one. And the fact that that it, in completely unmuddled terms, makes me sad.

These are untested. Relationship theory is completely uncharted territory for me.

What made it clear to me was talking with the guy. Since I am now a regular, we gotta stick together. And when I would say something clever to Groovy Girl, she would respond with a great laugh in energetic agreement and add to the thought so we both get something rather clever and original. I say something mildly entertaing to her boyfriend and he reacts in a similar manner.

The worst part of this is that I caught myself sizing him up, thinking times when I was more interesting than he, or when he clearly was better and such-and-such than I was.

No. Just, no. I know that I wouldn't be thinking such a thing if I was thinking about girls I could "get". And I use the word "get" extremely loosely because, well, I've already been over that.

I wonder if this is a direct result of so much negative reenforcement involving girls who are not in the Unavail camp.

Yes. Negative Reenforcement. Down to Pavlov and stuff. Each entry on The List hurts. Some more than others, but they all do to some degree. Now, if this cupcake on the table that would shock me every time I try to touch it, even if each shock was variable in its amount of pain, soon enough I'll get the lesson. The question is whether it's conscious or unconscious. Humans, the highest life forms we care to consider, will attribute it to a conscious life learning. But when we fight the pain with our consciousness, does the unconsciousness take over to compensate for the stupidity?

Then again, would I complain if Groovy Girl chose me instead of him? Of course not. But I think I'm going to make a rule that it can't be both ways: she will have to choose me, unlike the whole E5 situation.

Then again x2, would I ever enforce this rule? At this point in my life, I can't really afford to restrict my sexual intake. That's like putting a restricting valve on a pipe that doesn't get any water. Perhaps it will become useful in the event that water does come down that pipe, but for the time being it's a waste.

Aside from that, things with Anime Fangirl (note the adjusted name also) aren't going well. We did get to have a reasonable conversation that I have to admit was kind of nice. It was kind of short, but ok. But I havn't been able to get in touch again and no response to the e-mail. I'm not sure how long I should wait before declaring her L2. I'll give her 'till Wednesday. Much like F4 and the more recent posting attempt, my personals ad adventures are amazingly dull.

The good thing about those things is that you can create multiple accounts and look for different things. That recent personals post was one of two, one I opted for a general me kind of thing, and like a week later I posted an additional one just looking for fun. It didn't go anywhere either, but... hold that thought.

Oh, and, off topic, the avitar voting is coming to a close tomorrow. If you havn't done it yet, please do. I'm quite interested in which images you feel best fit. So far the quantity of votes are few so I can't really say anything is an "overwhelming" win. The voting form is at the supplement, and the results are here.

 

[Yonphi]

Reenforcement of the Negative

First things first, y'all chose the new avitar. Thanks for that, it's been fun to see this little project through to completion. Check out the results if you wish at http://www.geocities.com/yonphi/vresults.html . Good timing, too, to coincide with the new version of the forum software.

Ran into Groovy Girl today. Got myself our first hug. Never get tired of that, mind you. A female embrace is very nice. And she, like hand clasping, does it properly with all her energy. Tightly, but not so tight like she's got something to prove. Not afraid to push her chest into mine, not leaning too far out so that she's pulling me down.

A girl who knows how to hug wins a billion points, in addition to whatever points she already has.

"Excuse me, I'm holding a thought here!"

Oh right. On pure sexual relationships.

...

Um, what was it?

"Is that to suggest that you would be ok with a sex-only type of relationship? I think you of all people would call that a meaningless one and would shy away from it."

Well, TORA, a sex-based relationship is hardly meaningless in my eyes, which, yes, are the eyes of a virgin, but eyes nonetheless.

It means: sex.
No questions about whether or not you're really liked. No positioning. Masturbation becomes secondary to REAL sex. Dear God, dare to dream?

How better to feel sexy than with sex?

I remember back about 6 months before graduation day, E5 and E1 from within the two-fiddy and I were supposed to hang out. I met E5 earlier that day, met up with E1 while E5 had to take care of some things, and when she returned to meet us she told me: "I just had sex with ____." She was glowing, hair a little mussed but all the muss was from what a brush didn't fix. I never saw her similar to that ever again, except after, well, I can't quite think of a clever new euphamism for fingering her to orgasm. Don't worry, it'll come to me someday.

But even then it didn't look the same. And trust me, I'll never forget her look, then or now.

Anyway, that marked the beginning of a sexual relationship with this guy. They held it up for 2 months.

I forget that comedian's name, the one who has that bit where he says he wants to be the alien from Alien, where he thinks that acid spit is awesome and he pours water all over himself and puts his hand on his head, crouches down, extends his neck and hisses with an open mouth. The way he says in that bit "I WANT THAT!" is exactly how I'll say "I WANT THAT!" when I think about sex on a regular basis.

K3 had something going on for about 6 months. She would get calls at 3am for her to go to his place in the expensive part of town where they would fuck and she would go home. And from what I understand this guy was a jerk. She had asked him once what the nature of the relationship was, and he said "Don't get all girl on me." After he said that, they still went and did it for 4 months. Damn it, why can't that be me?

Well? For this I defintely want an answer, because I can't think of one.

Now, talking with Groovy Girl, there was mention of a sacrifice to some new religion. She asked "what kind of sacrifice?" I paused, thinking of the wall at which I may turn only left or right that I'm running into, and said "a virgin sacrifice."

She whispered (for dramatic effect I'm sure) "I'm not a virgin."

The wall I'm talking about is The Lie and the truth. Me? I didn't go left or right. I just stood there, leaned back on the wall and didn't say anything more on that. She got talking and it turns out she's bi.

I'm completely convinced that a symptom of being a bi girl is that I'm terribly attracted to them before I even that little bit of trivia. Still doesn't change a damn thing, though.

However, this is not really attached to the topic. I just found this very interesting.

Approximately 66% of the two-fiddy I found out were bi. Quite interesting, and such a thing should be the subject of research.

This still isn't an excuse why I can't have that. I'm terribly horny now and I really wish I wasn't because it feels more futile than usual.

 

[Yonphi]

The Plan

This marks the 8th title I've had that starts with "The". One of the things that I was told in early creative writing classes was "Don't use the word 'the' in your title unless you're sure of what you're doing."

I don't know what I'm doing. But I did have an interesting lucid dream last night.

There has been a little inkling of a desire to write fiction again. An entry has been sitting on my list for a long time to prompt me to do it. I used to all the time. And I'll give a spotty shot here. For the remainder of this entry, this is fiction. Oh, and, don't gimmie any crap about the names. They were as close to randomly selected as I could muster. Use or lack of use of names does not imply ownership to anyone I actually know.

Marcus reaches around, grabs the water bottle, downs the last of the vodka she has left, and returns the bottle to it's place.
"Thanks," Noel chants, "I never would have gotten that by myself."
He smiles and sits.
"You owe me a refill." The bottle makes a clack against the picnic table as she slams it in front of him.
"Ow," he smiles, "my liver."
"Welcome to my bench. Now what's your idea, Marc?"
"You."
She taps him on the nose like a dog and says, "No."
"No, no." Marcus stands and turns away from her. "You're part of the plan."
"It's your plan," she protests, "my going along with it is secondary to someone going along with it."
"No. Not at all." He returns to his seat. "Well, actually, that's right. You're right."
Noel looks at the empty bottle and wishes there was more left.
"See," he starts, "the idea is that my being along is a direct result of not being able to demonstrate that I am of any value."
"You're not, you know," she smiles, "of any value."
"Quiet, you, I'm plotting evil."
"Sorry."
"Anyway," he continues, "can one assume that if I had a girlfriend then I would be of some value?"
Noel shrugs. Marcus turns to see her shrug.
"Come on, if I was with some girl smooching it up, wouldn't you be a little curious as to what was with me?"
"Oh. Well, maybe." She shrugs again. "Not out loud, though. Who knows, maybe you've got a nine-inch penis... in circumference."
"Seriously, now," he says while extending his hands outwards pivoting on elbows.
"Wow, seriously?" Noel laughs.
"The point is," he rolls his eyes, "that being with someone makes you more desirable."
"You sure about that?"
"You know that's true."
"So then, I am less desirable because alone?" she asks.
Marcus shrugs.
"I suppose," Noel starts while looking up and leaning back, "that means we should be together."
Marcus raises his eyebrow.
"Aw, but I don't even like you!" she laughs.
"That's," he smiles, "actually part of the point. We can be a couple for the whole-more-sum-parts thing."
"And this will serve what purpose," she leans forward, "exactly?"
"We exist as a 'couple'. Folks will wonder, and perhaps opportunities will present themselves further. In that case," he leans forward as well, "we can pounce."
"I still don't get it," she leans back.
"Do you want me?"
"No."
"Then it's fine. When you get more attention from guys looking to make me look like a chump you'd dump for them, and I get positive reactions from girls looking to heighten their ego by stealing me away from you, we can part without any problems."
"So, we fake it."
"Yes."
Noel sits forward again.
"I don't know," she says.
Marcus stands, walks around, and sits next to Noel while she stares at him.
"It'd be a good excuse to make out and shit," he suggests.
Noel shrugs.
"It's not like we've got anything better to do."

 

[Yonphi]

Try Your Worst

Still looking for fulfillment. Just looking. I'll let you know if I find anything, of course.

Yesterday on Howard Stern they had Steve-O call in the show. They talked and after it was over Robin confessed that she was terribly turned on by him. And while the idea repulsed her, she couldn't help it.

The theory was that he was a "bad boy." Oh which, I am not.

The joke came that Artie was also a "bad boy". Well, you have to be a fan to get it. Artie's the replacement for Jackie (who sucked anyway) who's show-reputation is doing a lot of hookers, got himself a trophy girlfriend that is speculated that would never be with him were it not for the show, eats an insane amount of food, binge drinks, and used to be a coke head. Oh, and, he was in Dirty Work. As if anyone ever saw that movie.

Yet she isn't turned on by Artie.

Clearly The Bad Boy Effect is a complicated thing. I'm not even going to try to emulate such a thing. I'm nowhere near a bad boy. No tattoos, never been arrested (or even so much as pulled over for anything), vote every two years, honor jury duty summons, the glasses, clean shaven (most of the time)... geez, spread some mayo on white bread with a glass of water on the side for dippin'.
Then again, there's the porn collection, the accessory to adultery, the long hair, drinking before 5pm (I havn't tasted alcohol in a long time, though, now that I think about it), wearing boxers on a regular basis (yeah, I gave them another shot and liked it), the some of the time I'm not clean shaven... and... hmm.. not so much after all.

Sure, I guess I've got an evil streak. But it's just that: a streak. I would never be able to be the kind of guy girls are strangely attracted to.

That's a shame. Being myself just doesn't seem to do a damn thing.

Going to work the other day a car in front of me opened it's passenger door. A guy stepped out, apparantly to catch a bus coming from the opposite direction. He crossed behind her car and in front of mine. He walked out and I saw the window open. Looking into her side mirror, I saw the driver looking out at him. I just stared into that mirror, to see her look out, waiting for him to look back. I figured he did when I saw her make a kissy-face and smile some more. We sat there waiting for the light, the bus came, and left.
The window went up.

Seeing shit like that going on it's pretty hard to tell myself that I do, in fact, deserve something that nice, but don't have it for some reason other than myself. The more I think about it, the more I kind of fumble around with this sort of stuff the more I feel that it's completely my fault.

To reiterate, I'm not the type of virgin that's saving himself. Ultimately my desire for experience is to give my chosen gal the good time she deserves for showing me love that nobody else would. I remember posting on another board a while ago, declaring that I was a virgin, and the number one accusation is that I'm just not trying hard enough. If that was the case, it'd be my fault and therefore easy.

I don't know what's wrong, but I guess this is my philosophy coming back at me.

In Florida there's a big stink over something called the FKAT. Basically, it's a test that you must complete before you graduate high school. There's a bunch of kids who flunked it and there's protesting going on that they should be allowed to graduate anyway. Actually, this isn't current events, maybe from a month ago. They did the criteria, so, sure, they tried hard. But they didn't pass. They didn't meet the requirement.

Trying is half the battle, but I can't get an A for just effort alone. To get some, I can't just try my best and expect that to work.

This also means that life is not fair.

 

[Yonphi]

Intermission 3

Been a while since there's been an intermission. I don't quote music as much as most, but this one is circling 'round my head. I shall hope I never have to sing it, but simultaneously hope that someday I'll be in a position to fear losing someone I love in a cold void.

Kind of like Myst without all those books.

Abba- SOS
(download it, if you havn't hear it)

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
I tried to reach for you, but you have closed your mind
Whatever happened to our love?
I wish I understood
It used to be so nice, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

You seem so far away though you are standing near
You made me feel alive, but something died I fear
I really tried to make it out
I wish I understood
What happened to our love, it used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
The love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me
S. O. S.
And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me
S. O. S.
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?
When you're gone
How can I even try to go on?
When you're gone
Though I try how can I carry on?

 

[Yonphi]

Reality

A strange threshold has been passed in the TV world. Normally I don't give a shit about reality TV. I don't. I'm not sure which was first, but I think COPS is a waste of time (Dragnet minus the plot, the intrigue, the mystery, and the conclusion. Plus THRILLING CHASE SEQUENCES! WOW!). Now, if America's Funniest Home Videos came first, then that was probably the precursor to it all. "Look at what these people film on their home cameras! Total amateur action!"

But, cue double standard here, amateur porn is pretty cool.

The threshold that has been crossed is that when things that happen to people on some reality TV programs that seem perfectly reasonable to happen to ordinary people. Of which I am referring to one program.

Blind Date. I am a little disgusted watching this show, actually. It turns out, though, that I love to see it. It's mind altering, to get a view on people meeting and doing that elusive thing of which the second word in the title suggests.
While I don't know exactly how dating works, I do know how TV works. Clever editing means you only see what they want you to see. The question is how much raw footage actually gets the cut. I'd be VERY interested in seeing the uncut masters, but, hey, that ain't gonna happen. I think I just need a measure to which I can size up against. Aside from "the bases", I know of no measure on dating success.
As mentioned before, I'm not even completely sure what the bases are exactly. All I know is that they are a fairly concrete measure on success with females.

Great, I'm trying to build something impossible to prove the naysayers wrong and I havn't even a ruler.

But if you've ever seen the show, you know something and are probably wondering why I havn't said a damn thing about it yet.

Remember that Simpsons episode when the Simpson family goes to Try-N-Save to get their family portrait done, right after Bart gets caught trying to steal a video game, Bonestorm from the same place. (If the name of the game is wrong, I am very ashamed, but I'm pretty sure that's what it was.) When panning over several past family portraits, there was one where the family was together and posing and Bart was holding up a comic book speaking bubble that reads "I stink" that was pointing as if it was being said by Homer. "I don't remember saying that," he protests.

Blind Date will often put little thought bubbles over people's heads, raising questions about who decides who thinks what. Little things like pointing out the shortcomings of those on the show, icons and pictures... think of it as a less informative more trendy-trendy style of Pop Up Video. It's this that disgusts me about the show. I had briefly considered that a good venue to get a date or two, but I fear the bubbles. They probably have contract terms that lets the show write whatever they like in them.

A lot of times the guys on the show I wonder about. Wonder if they're clueless or onto something. Sometimes I guy will speak and touch suggestingly towards his date and things go well, other times things go poorly. Patterns? The key just might be in the cut footage.

L2 has been added on the list from the Anime Fangirl fiasco. The ol' drop all contact play. I'm not sure which is worse, being told "I don't like you" or them pretending that they do only to act the way they truely feel.

I'm just gonna scratch my head a little here.

 

[Yonphi]

Alternate Route

All this time I forgot to mention something. I've got a younger brother. By about 4.3 years.

Perhaps more important than my blood-kin is that he's with his first girlfriend getting ready to celebrate their 2 year anniversary.

A few months ago he moved back in with my parents also, only he wasn't living alone but living with family that remains up North. He left shortly after their first anniversary.

This is going to sound a little strange, but we really are brothers. We share many of the same interests, including those which are completely weird and irreverent. While I can't consider him a friend since he's family, I probably would if he was not. We're fiercely competitive about amusements: from Unreal Tournament, Rampart, Tetris. There has been many a Go Kart course that we've been kicked out of for driving too aggressively against each other.

Thing is, though, that if I were observing from afar, he'd be a cooler guy. And I know it. I'm not sure what to attribute it to: whether it was the fact that he had more stability during key points in his life than I did (he actually got to go to a high school and a few years from a middle school in the same general area, whereas the best I got were three years).

His girlfriend he's been friends with since he moved. Score point number one, the good-friend-to-lover progression path is a strong one. And then there are the traits.

I was pretty fortunate to get a good job from early on. My current job isn't that great due to poor decisions on my part. Yet I got it shortly after turning 18. My brother started working at 16. I didn't because of how I felt about working jobs at that age: a theory that proved itself to me. He worked in fast food, in drug stores, in grocery stores, just lots of different jobs, none of which were really good to him. Ambitious? In contrast, he didn't do very well in scholastic achievement.

Like that ever mattered.

Other attributes? He plays guitar, whereas the only music I can muster is out from Fast Tracker 2 and even that isn't nearly as good as what he just comes up with out from the fly.

And he juggles. Here I am, able to type 115 wpm, able to crush those cheap generic plastic salt-shakers they have at restauraunt supply stores with little effort, and away he goes with four oranges just pthap pthap pthap pthap.

He's about an inch taller than I am, too.

We're brothers, yes, but it's interesting to see how different his path is towards mine. And a little infuriating to see him excel in the things that evidently gets chicks.

When I come clean with my family about The Lie, he will be the last to know, damn it.

 

[Yonphi]

Mercy Fuck: The Follow Up

Below is a double post, since I end up saving these journal web pages for future reference in case some disaster ever happens. I was looking over the journal thread and I saw in the bottom "related threads". For a brief moment, I started thinking about the heuristics involved with computer indexing a thread and cross referencing it with all the other threads when I noticed there were posts on it past October.

I think the word "chastity" is just in both titles. So much for being outrageously impressed.

----

Every so often there's a thread (in this case, thread necromancy) that I say to myself, "gee, how'd I miss that?'

Deez has done a good favor for me, and that is asking something that by its nature I cannot. A question such as "doesn't anyone want to fuck me?" (...) with inclinations towards a sympathy fuck, any reason FOR sympathy would disappear. After all, what sort of question is that? Who does he think he is?

Not that I want to ask it, mind you. The assumptions that it's not precisely what I want are correct. There is something optimal that I persue. And it is recognized that this optimal situation may be forever unattainable.

I've never been offerred such a thing in any tangible manner (as in, "drive on over, I'm waiting"). Thus this will be an answer on a truely hypothetical situation. I think I would accept. My justification is easy: even in the Least Optimal Configuration (doesn't the acronym LOC just look so cool?), it's stuff. Forever. There exist things to feel, things to become familiar with, and things that would decide where on the scale I shall prioritize sex. Right now with the little sampling I have it slid very much towards the high end, but it could be that I've just psychologically worked it so high.

And then it's uphill from there. I havn't been convinced that casual sex out of sympathy is mutually exclusive of positive things. Friend action, I presume, would include at least some feelings... call it love, call it mutual enjoyment of company, whatever. That's much better than the LOC of a stranger offering herself to me just to shut me up.
Minou, that which you said is a very sweet thing (said in a public forum, no less, wow) and an example of the difference mentioned.

A big point was Mattie's point #4 regarding "mutually rewarding". I would want it to be worth it for everyone involved. No self-righteousness here, worth it for me too. It's that "Everyone Does What's Best For Them" theory. If I treat the technical aspects of sex as a skill, then gaining practice will increase the odds I can please a woman. It has to start somewhere, though. And, yes, a loving relationship is perhaps the Most Optimal Configuration, since if I'm awful, such a thing will be padded with a little love and there's someone I can be close to and it will be... I don't know... easier?

You tell me, maybe I'm just an idealistic child.

And, while on the record, 1) Age is just a number, 2) deb_u_taunt is taunting and it made me laugh (points++), 3) losing my virginity isn't the final step to being complete, and 4) I wouldn't exactly call it "suffering." You know the saying "No matter how good you are, there's always someone better"? While not a mathematically correct flip-flop, I'll think "no matter how bad things, there's always someone worse off." I take no pleasure from the misfortune of others. So that's little comfort.