Trials of Chastity

[Yonphi]

Hatred c/o Other People

An Open Letter to the Lady Who Felt It Was Necessary To Close The Elevator In My Face -

We live in a society. The basis of this is that people take individualized roles due to the complexities of the task. No one person could ever do it all. Ever. Things have evolved way beyond that point, and those movies that depict the last beings on Earth (like Night of the Comet, for a favorite B- movie of mine) fail to take into account things like electricity.
In this society people are put together probably closer than nature intended. Life is hard and unweilding. Therefore, it is only proper to, when provided with a choice between compassion and cruelty, you choose compassion. Especially when that choice is made without any significant changes to your life.

So why is it that when you saw me running for the elevator, crying out "Please hold it!" you felt it was necessary to not only push the door close button multiple times, but demonstrate how hard and frequently you were pushing it with the dramatic moves of your arm? Why was it vital to your enjoyment of life to look at me and smile as the doors closed in my face? Should I have stuck my arm in the doors with the hopes it wouldn't chop it off?

Perhaps it was the uniform I was wearing that probably gave it away that I was a dangerous person. You clearly knew that I had just washed these clothes that were just three days prior been completely blood stained from the murders I've committed in elevators.

You, madam, are evil. It would have taken you all of 2 seconds to leave the door open, even IF you had to push a button. I'm sure I would have made it even if you had done nothing.

It hurts me greatly to know that good things I wish for this world could, through trickle-down, extend good things for you when you clearly have nothing but malice for complete strangers.




And folks wonder why I have a problem with "If you can't get laid here..."

Yes, that last line is the only way this relates to Trials of Chastity.

 

[Yonphi]

Phantasy Star

I had the piano dream again. And it took a little turn.

"The piano dream" as I know it calls out to my secret inner attention whore. The details are always a little different, but the basic idea is the same.

There exists a piano someplace. Either unusual locations like in front of my local Dunkin' Donuts, possible locations like the lobby in the main building of work, and actual locations like in the "mini-shopping-mall" building of where I attend a few classes (and to think not too long ago I was ready to leave and never look back).

LONG TANGENT: In total I've been at my university on and off maybe 4 or 5 years. I've seen this building become refinished and doors all nicely made and stuff. And one thing that really gets me is how it's a mini-mall now. There's a "food court" with a Pizza Hut, Burger King, Pollo Tropical (if you're not familiar with it, it's a fast food chain that serves hispanic-style chicken and rice and stuff. Really gross in my opinion: big points for not being fried 7 ways from Sunday, but minus big points for poor taste... I think they just suck and it doesn't really reflect on hispanic cuisine on a whole), ice cream... the kind of places you'd expect to find in a mall. I really can't see anyone eating there 4 or 5 times a week and maintaining these knockout figures that some of the student body seems to have (ok ok ok, guys too. Which really gets me steamed to see these guys pack down a double whopper and here I am having pilfered a PB&J from home: but such a thing is not unique to me so I'll spare you). There's even a little arcade and pool hall and Food_Court++ bar nearby.
And then there's the hallway vendors. At first it started innocently enough. In the beginning of the semester they have a bunch of tables for activities and clubs and fraternities (and I have never been approached for "rushing" one. And I've seen them accost guys to get them to rush, so I know it's gotta be me.) And it started out with maybe a little card table set up to sell phone cards. NOW on a permanent basis, after the activities and greek societies are gone, there's at least three tables set up. One for super-annoying cell phone plans, another for damned crappy jewelry (the kind you would see on a felt carpet on a street corner that the guy can pack up and high-tail it at the sound of a siren), and one for vacations.
Ok, I can understand why they've got a hair salon and convenience store and stuff: some people live on campus. But the prices aren't at all competitive. They're already fleecing students on tuition, and those poor chaps in the dooms are WAY overcharged enough. And I'm tired of every time I want to take advantage of those academic versions of software not only to have to relieve myself of any gear I'm carrying (please, I can walk into Barnes and Nobles with an empty backpack on my back and nobody says shit), but they insist on shoving the product in a bag with no less than 8 advertisements for credit cards, magazine subscriptions, and various other crap. Including cell phones.

END TANGENT.
Anyway, in the shopping mall building, they have a piano behind the information desk. There are apparantly no restrictions on who can use it. The music building is too far away for it to be a spill-over piano, but every so often a skilled student will sit down and have a little fun.

The piano dream consists of me sitting at this real/unreal/unrealistic piano and just playing something nobody's heard. My own impromptu compositions, with the tunes that float around in my brain. Occasionally I do have tunes in my head that just pop out of nowhere, but eventually I start following along for long enough that it turns into a tune I've heard before. Looks like my music-maker part of the brain has a lot of cross-linked files.

The funny thing about the piano dream is that when I start playing, they are tunes that most people probably wouldn't know or remember, but certainly aren't original. I start playing the theme to Phantasy Star, for example. And in the dream nobody knows what it is, and nobody asks if it's mine but all simply assumes that it is.

This piano dream took a turn for the different, though. A girl was watching me play and studying my hands and fingers feverently.

LITTLE TANGENT:
Maybe this is why I lucid dream so much: I know it has to be a dream because girls typically don't give a shit about me.
END LITTLE TANGENT.

Anyway, so she's watching me and following me around to see what makes me tick (since apparantly, in the dream, I'm a musical prodigy playing "Firestarter by Prodigy" (not really what I was playing, BTW. But that was a little clever, huh?)). She leads me to her place (where I follow, and I'd probably do that in real life, too, for even less of a reason) to play for her. And I do. And the dream turns sexy.

Truth be told, I don't place too much faith in my fantastic sexual dreams (that is, sexual dreams of fantasy, not sexual dreams based on a reality I wish was and with any luck would be). One reason is that I don't know much about sex.
Porn I'm convinced holds no value as a sexual educator. Things like the "open lip kiss with tongues extended and wrestling outside of both persons mouths" suggest to me that things are just for show.

In fact, up until some time ago, I didn't believe real women like anal sex, hence the "concessions" I made in the Terrible Lie to explain how I got to try it.

But one thing is that I don't have a realistic handle on things. Like, in this dream, I did a position that completely wakes me baby, if you catch what I mean. I kind of prop my arms behind her legs as she's standing up, align my elbows under her knees and lift. Then I stand, lifting her, enter the palace, and lean against the wall to lock my arms so that she's pinned against the wall, holding my back with the balls of her feet and arms wrapped around my neck... unable to throw her head backwards due to the wall and therefore smiling in the sexiest manner possible and staring into my eyes deeply with pure and holy lust.
Yeah, happy feelings all right.
But, realistically, I have no context for it. I can imagine certain things, sure, but I don't know if it's doable. I mean, maybe it's uncomfortable for her. Maybe uncomfortable for me. Maybe her legs wouldn't be able to reach to make contact. Maybe she'd close her eyes or look away. Maybe my penis isn't long enough to pull it off. Maybe I don't have a good enough idea where her naughty bits are in relation to mine.

In fantasy-land, it works. And that's all that matters. The thing is I've got a kind of buzz-kill associated with fantasies: the reality check. Somehow I can logically take these fantasies and reduce their value due to lack of experience to really KNOW what it's like. I can only guess. It's perhaps easier and more accurate to fantisize knowing what precisely it is you're fantisizing about.

Maybe I'm just looking too far into all this and should enjoy it the way I should. After all, I've got some self-punishment to do and if I can avoid not letting my brains get between me and my almost-absent animal self then things'll be ok.

 

[Yonphi]

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

Sure tomorrow will stand as a mockery to what I am. Sure it will serve to remind me that regardless of what I change or do I'm still a leper. Sure today I had smile-stupid-at-parking-lot-girl cross the way to not walk next to me. But you know what? All in all, it's gonna be a normal Friday for me.

My personals ad had been posted and grand total of responses is a number. Say, could you tell me what 100 divided by that number is? No, you can't. Because it's not proper to divide by zero.

I love using math to express my angst. I wanted to write up a huge 3 page problem that all reduces down to zero, but, nah. This is easier.

Sure, I don't have a picture posted due to various faults of my own: as in, shying away from any camera for about 4-5 years. My photo-id badge looks like a different person, although it was 4 years ago.

But what I've done is post a surface-samplin' of my brain in a room of (hopefully) horny ladies and nobody cares. That's gotta hurt the ego. The first time I tried this I didn't put a picture up, and got something relatively quick. My anti-ego-busting core is reasoning that because this is the week of Valentines', ladies without dates have already resolved to be alone. At least for now. I hope.

Now, on the brighter side of things, this really is one day when I'm not doing much worse than the average single person. Normally I _am_ doing much worse: few prospects, even fewer opportunities. Of course, 0 is not less than 0, but I'm back to math-angst. I'll stop soon.

The way I see it, I don't have context of a proper Valentine's Day. I don't know what being with a loved one is really like, or what a romantic evening is like, or even hot sexx0rz. (last appearance of 0, BTW.) Valentine's Day is just like any other day in which I realize I am truely and utterly alone, past, present, and future. I realize those things on a semi-regular basis, so tomorrow is just another one of those realization days. But I'll still leave my house. I'll still sip coffee while debating whether I should shave* or not.

This story shows, in part, an artifact of the old Chicken vs. Egg debate. See, is it perhaps the frequent sex that makes men shave more often? And that same more sex lowers stroke risk?

Tell you what, though. I'm gonna shave every fucking day now, that's what I'm gonna do. Maybe even a few times a day. Soon my face will be raw and red and puffy. But science says that's sexy, per this story.

Bah, it's CNN. *bias bias bias*

In any case, there's a few singles who're going to have a rougher day tomorrow than I will. And to them, Minou, Sugar-Snit, Lazulite, Aimee... well, hell, you all know who you are; I feel for you.

But tomorrow: this Valentine's Day, I'm not on top of the world but at least for a little while I'm right smack in neutral. And that's definitely better than how I could be treating it.

 

[Yonphi]

Overestimation

Remember all this stuff about this Valentine's Day not turning out to be a big deal? I was being overconfident, it would seem.

The morning started with something that I'm determined I will use for the opening scene in a movie I will ultimately write/direct/(maybe star?). I used to keep an alarm clock on the opposite side of the room so that when it goes off I have to stand and get to it to turn it off. But it turns out I'm cramped for space and I kinda needed the plug for other things, so now I use the timer on my TV. It turned on and I had selected Headline News to start up with. Despite my gripes about CNN, it fits the bill. The regular schedule of stories gives me a good estimate of what time it is so I know exactly how late I'll be. But, more importantly, the anchorwoman Robin Meade has a nice voice. I will wake up to the sounds of a woman's voice if I have any say in it.

But this morning all I came into conciousness with was a sentense that ended with "because she loves you, too." Well, damnit, this can't end good.

As I lay there almost awake, I extended my arm and flipped my first bird of the day.

In the movie it would be the first of many, but, not today.

I do have stuff somewhat good to talk about, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Today I'll talk about F1.

F1 was a girl pretty much my height with amazing long blonde hair that went down to her waist. I met her through a forced-group project in class for some of my lower division requirements. Normally those type of things always end in frustration when I realize that I'm the only one that didn't just take the prerequisites, but passed them without counting how many points between a D and a F. But she was pretty cool. She was fairly friendly, volunteered lots of information. She was a bellydancer, and wanted to move to Cairo with a dance troupe.

We got along pretty well during the project, so it was ok. After the semester it seemed like we were running into each other all the time. Completely unplanned, which was kinda neat.

Somewhere in those winter months she got me a gift for my birthday, which really surprised me greatly. She was very much a cool cucumber, so I didn't expect such things. Oh, it wasn't an expensive thing. Just a really small cloth bag in which I could store various glass counters for Magic. But it was really sweet because it was a gift. She was looking through her stuff or perusing a store and thought of me. That's awesome.
Of course this meant I liked her. I waited until Valentine's Day and I worked the only skills I have. Ninja PI skills.

The idea was simple. How can I ask her out for a date and avoid that whole "NO" problem? The answer I figured out was to ask her out in a way so that she wouldn't want to say no. She already could tolerate me, which wins big points, as you know. So I figured if I asked her to meet me somewhere, she would. But how to avoid no... aha!

I ended up skipping my last class of the day to walk the parking lots. My sweaty self was looking for her car. I prewrote a note that read something like "Hi ______, I figured I'd like a valentine this year, and you'd make a good one. When you finish your classes for the day, meet me by Taco Bell. Surprisingly enough, I'll be there." I think the wording was a little less, since it seems like a lot typed out here, but I don't remember.

I know what you're thinking. February? Come on. Can't be that bad. Well, yes it is. Under the noon sun. I worked nights back in those days, so the time was set for after work. I went there with a thermos with a single chocolate rose inside. I seriously didn't have any reason to doubt she would come.

Faithful followers will already know how this ends. She didn't show. I ate my chocolate rose by myself.

The next day we ran into each other like we always do, and first thing she said was "Don't do that again, please."

Yep, steaming helping of rejection.

Happy Valentine's Day. Some of you out there in the world I'm quite envious of, you know. So don't waste it.

 

[Yonphi]

Slave in the Making

One thing that greatly concerns be about being a 22/23 year old virgin is that I am perhaps the most vulnerable I'll ever be like this.

It really wouldn't take much to have a woman make me her bitch, as they say. Who knows at what rate I could be torn from my innocent world and trust into doing her bidding. And I'd certainly go willingly. Oh, yes.

I think it would need a little more work than coming up to me and saying "have sex with me," although I'm not sure. At that point I'll be fighting the concern that she'd want to steal my wallet or bite my dick off or is patient zero for some brand new virus from the CIA intended to wipe out the virgin population. Hypothetical thinking is one thing, practice may be another.

Oh, and, yes, I gleefully volunteer for such an experiment.

But seducing me I don't expect would be a real challenge. All it would really take are a few reassurances that I'm liked and that's it. I am perhaps the easiest man on earth.

Therein is the problem. Yesterday at work there was a contest that they stated they've had for a few years. There are a bunch of pictures of employees with their hubbies/honeys and the whole staff gets to vote on which one is the "best" couple. Under what critera for the "best" couple is beyond me. But there are no restrictions on who may vote. So of course all the couples vote for themselves. There's a prize of like $50 to some fancy-shmancy place. What this leaves in its wake is that all the single people possess votes that mean anything. Sounds to me like they didn't think this through. Or maybe this is the point.

An already rotten-starting day became even worse when all of a sudden so many female coworkers started being really nice and friendly. Crazy-girl had stopped being touchy-feely with me, but not yesterday. Women that have never payed me any mind all of a sudden became warm and open. Yeesh.

I didn't end up voting for anybody. I can't take that kind of pressure. BUT if only one of these coworkers would have asked me, I would have. Without even thinking.

This is something that seems completely strange but every male virgin like myself knows exactly what I'm talking about. "Well, maybe she wants me." Rationally, I know that favors don't result in sex. At least those who get favors done for them. But, you know, maybe she wants me. If I do the favor things'll be ok. But if I don't she might think I'm a jerk that doesn't care about her. And I'm sure she already wants me: look how closely she's standing to me, how she's touching my arm, how she's smiling and twinkling.

I know it's a ruse, and I don't care. Just because I know it's a trick doesn't mean I can't go along with it just in case. Maybe I'll end up getting a blow job or something. Pfft. Right.

I've considered posting up a flyer for free tutoring at school. Although I don't think I have the sleaziness within me to tell the guys I have no openings, and tell the girls I need to get "paid" in advance. Nevermind that I'd get slapped to next Tuesday, and absolutely wouldn't get any action. What, you mean Shane's World's Campus Invasion is a lie? Girls don't really want to have sex? Heh, at least not with me.

And I know. But I'm vulnerable. Vulnerable because I'm alone and innocent. I don't immediately recall if I've said it before, but I'd walk barefoot into hell to get a chance to release my inner sex self.

 

[Yonphi]

And now, Darkness

Think Positive. That's a good way to look at things.

...

And I'm completely pathetic at it.

The clouds were out early today, gray and foreboding. Just the way I like it. I figured it'd be a good day to make my destiny. Don't ask me why, but being overly dramatic just comes hand in hand with my mood.

I walked around an outdoor mall to see for people who'd possibly like it that I approach them. And I didn't detect any.
Sure, there was the odd stray girl all alone. And I could have spent more than 5 minutes each time to figure out a good way to approach. But I didn't feel that they are receptive. I mean, the technical things I look for might have been there: looking like their thinking about something deep, not in a group of friends (leaves a lot of pressure at bay), people that I can reasonably expect not to maim me. But I didn't detect it. I didn't see how it would be any different this time. I couldn't see how things could go my way.

I ended up sitting on a bench and watching the people. With each couple I wondered and manufactured a story about how they wound up together. "That couple," I thought to myself, "met:
when he started grinding his crotch into hers during a dance at a club."
when she crashed into his car and they swapped numbers."
as coworkers and found their true feelings in the stock room."
by being set up on a blind date through their good friends."
as friends and it grew into a lovely relationship."
because fate wanted them to."

And I wonder what's the point? What's this big trial for? What the hell is this supposed to help me for? How does this make me a better person?

I'm not classic-religious but I have my moments when I marvel at the clockwork of the universe and let it feel me with purpose. Sometimes I use mathematics as proof of God. After all, if, in the formula for Universal Gravitation, if it wasn't a "squared" and instead "to the 1.9 power" the universe as we know it would collapse and cease to exist.

I'm agnostic, and am convinced that God exists. Although, I think oftentimes this deity hates me.

As much as I sweat and die a little each day over this, there's not a thing I can do. There still needs to be a second person to hold me and say that she freely selects me out of all else she could select.

I crave. And I will crave.

Going home in defeat I tried keeping myself amused with various things. It didn't work. I'm just trying to distract myself from the sad truth that I am an outsider. As if I was etherial and anybody looking around would almost kind of think something was where I was, but not be able to put their finger on it.

I would say I'm really sick and tired of all this lonliness. But I can't because then it'd sound like it was something new.

 

[Yonphi]

Akbar Says

"It's a trap."

I've recently gotten a message from someone I knew. Not that I've been discovered (again), but rather it seems to want to set things right.

E5 (and now that I've figured out the URL trick, here's Crux 12-13-02) has contacted me. She's moving back to Miami and wants to meet up. She wants to start over with a clean slate.

"It's a trap."

It's worth noting that her husband (who may or may not still have that title since I didn't ask and she didn't volunteer (and likely will not volunteer that information if I know her like I think I do)) has gone to the impending warzone. My initial Trap Detecting Skill Report says (call it the Elven Rouge's Search Skill) that she may be trying to figure out her options should he die in combat. OR she just wants to see if I'll fall for it again and say or do something stupid, to feed her fraile self-esteem.

"It's a trap."

But I've been spilling my seeds on the dusty ground as far as finding cool kitties around me. T-Girl is devoting a lot of her free time to her new boyfriend, and tells me they're going to celebrate their one week "anniversary." See what I mean when I say cute? From the sounds of things she's really been admiring him from afar for a while.
There was a girl in one of my "extra" courses that I've been trying to hit it up with, but I think she dropped the class meaning my time had been wasted since I don't think I got far enough to pounce (and add another to my list, if the planet hates me).

"It's a trap."

They say those who don't learn from the past are condemned to repeat it. But I don't want to be too harsh. I'll give her a chance, after all she did say "clean slate." But, realisticly, I can just hear Akbar chanting in my head.

"It's a trap."

 

[Yonphi]

Cybersex

Words should not start with "cyber". Ever. It just sounds strange. Cyberspace, cyberfriend, cybersex, cyberfood... there is no way those things sound like well thought out new words. Just put cyber in front of it and it's all internet.
When casual, I tend to refer to the internet as Teh Intarweb, which is a bunch of inside jokes inside each other. It kind of relays the truth of the matter: that the persuits of computers hooked up to each other is a very geeky thing at heart. And it just goes to show that good things for humanity always have their nerd roots.

So, I know what you're thinking. You want me to spill the beans over E5. Well, ok, get ready.

...

Done. She hasn't called me, I don't know what number she'd be at and my return e-mail is still unanswered. That means: no beans to spill, only broth.

So I've been chatting online on teh intarweb with this chatting machine.

(/begin_singing_voice) With a girl. (/end_voice) It's fun and informative. A nice way to pass the time when I start feeling alone in the world.

But it takes a little turn for the weird. I'm not exactly sure how it began, though. Which is very odd because I make it my point to understand why I do the things I do. But somehow I've gotten a taking to masturbating while chatting with her. And she knows. And encourages it.

It's interesting I have to admit. I've never done such a thing but, really, it's become a routine for the last few times. I'm still having the orgasms anyway on my own, if she wants to read my one-handed text and know when I come, then I'm happy to help and enjoy the extra company. I've done pretty much all my self-abuse online with a little chat window open, being passed porn links and a few inspirational pictures, encouraged with words and thoughts and ideas. And it's nice. It's nice to not have my seed-spilling not be completely solitary.

So it's time to point a few things out.
1) It's a little like masturbation++. I don't get to chat very well when I'm doing it. I think, at least, that's why she's called my cybersex behavior "vanilla." But it's a fair observation. No real sex experience has me terribly turned on by even the simplest of ideas. Snuggling with a loved one doesn't just sound like a like warming experience, but a sexy one, too. Even the idea of a gentle kiss, when properly embrased in my imagination, gets a rise yet.
2) Good flirting practice. I think I'm getting a little better at looking for prompts, and much better at responding to them, I think. I could be wrong, though.
3) What does this mean? I'd be a liar to say I wouldn't like to meet her in person. There's a lot of folks I'd like to meet in person. But, for her, it's like I want to meet++, because I can't help but get the idea that I'd have a fighting chance. But I don't feel too good about thinking that: just because she encourages me and tells me she enjoys it (and even tells me things like she's thinking of me during her private time) doesn't mean I have a _real_ chance. I feel like there's a missing variable in there, if you excuse the Math Logic terminology: p -> q -> r... I know what P and R are, but Q? Step 1) Steal underwear. Step 3) Profit.
4) I have no qualms chatting with her on a regular basis.

So there it is. She's my little secret. I wonder what sort of interesting things this can grow into, of course. But for now, the face-value of cybersex seems just fine. :}

I just have to learn to type better with one hand, or not feel bad about making the keyboard all sticky.

(edit because I left out something to turn a negative into a positive.)

 

[Yonphi]

Good Times deserve a Good Post

Unfortunately, this isn't a "good" post. What is a "good" post? Well, a lot of times after-the-fact a post seems really good. Filled with emotion and doubt and desire and a mish-mash of realism and fantasy selected whenever convenient. But the formula for a "good" post is pretty much is talking about something negative or neutral, trying to make the best of it, and then being resolved that it wasn't anything more than neutral.

So by that definition this won't be a good post since I've done something far better than neutral.

The digital ink is hardly dry on the Cybersex post when I've got something considerably better. Phone sex.

Now, as an avid porn fanboy, I have of course seen those 900 numbers promising phone sex and thought to myself, "What's the point?" But, that's got a twinge of hypocracy because it could be said for all porn.

But last night a lovely phone call turned, in addition to lovely, sexy. A real turn on. And it was exciting and fun.
Before you think what's you might think, no, it wasn't E5. And yes, it was the one I've been having lovely and simultaneously naughty chats with. I really fell like I should give her a name for the context of this journal because I have a feeling her importance is quite high. We even know each other's last names now.

So, yes, phone sex. I've never done it before, and figured it's be an extention of cyber sex. But I really underestimated it. Really. It truely was exciting to talk and do my thing, and hear her do hers. It was amazing to hear the same sexy voice talking about the way the world works and chatting like I would chat with anyone I'm friendly with progress into a collection of moans and heavy breathing and promises of upcoming orgasms.

Wow. Just wow. I'll say I enjoyed myself greatly. And there are insufficient words to really explain quite how much I'd enjoyed myself. Wow.

So extra points revisited:
1) Definitely masturbation++. I generally dislike canned porn audio, the type that replaces the original audio which is probably a director barking orders at the stars. But what I heard was for me, and what I spoke was for her.
2) I was told I've got a sexy voice and was pretty good. Which of course makes me feel really good. Which raises a helps provide at least one answer to a terrible question with a really really nice suggestion. Maybe I do have some sexual instinct after all, and that instinct could even be good.
3) This totally means lots of good things, but I don't want to think about it too much and ruin it with my analysis. All I know is that my vacation time isn't coming quite soon enough and I'd really like to think that there's something good for me coming down the pike. Good mood++.
4) The only bad part about it is not being able to hold and kiss and snuggle. I think I know a little bit more about "aftercare" as they call it, because I definitely think it's missing. But we continued to chat a bit afterwords, calming down and just chuckling about.

So, it would seem a little rung on the ladder of sex is reached, and I'm in a great mood and just that one time is the best orgasm I've had to date. Yay me.

"A post with no looming negativity? What's gotten into you?"

Hee hee hee

 

[Yonphi]

Plots of Land

So I did get contact from E5 after all. And the question has been up in the air about just how I was going to handle it.

The suggestion was passed across my desk that tickled my sense of logic, goosed it if you will. It was to basicly be cold, unattentive, disinterested, and withdrawn. No complements, no closeness, no reliving past fun, no jokes. Nothing. Say goodbye permaturely, and just be an all around asshole.

And for the grudge I still hold, it doesn't seem all too unreasonable. After all, she did totally and completely lead me on last time, until I got to a point where I called her on her repeated raising of the ante, and she had the better hand.

Am I a terrible terrible guy for thinking about this routine for more than thirty seconds?

The theory is that she's got enough insecurity that if I don't give her the attention she craves she will escalate her behavior in flirting to the point where I hold the cards. Who knows what I can get, presuming she doesn't give up?

But it's a game. And I don't like games, and this game seems deceptively simple that there's sure to be finer and more intricate points I hadn't considered. A few times I've said that I want to get laid on my terms. I want it to be a reward for being myself, for rising above the rest. People tend to do what's best for them, and I want to be the best choice for someone else.

I was also told if I don't accept the fact that I have to play games to get what I want, I'd better get used to being a virgin. Sort of like going to a kindergarten class and listening to every kid say what they want to be when they grow up (Fireman! Policeman! Astronaught! Scientist! A Cat!), and then telling them that most of the class is going to wind up in 3rd tier thankless jobs that they'll hate for the rest of their lives and there won't be a damn thing they can do about it. Not exactly inspirational.

Confession: I had decided ahead of time to try it.

After all, I have the whole rest of my life to be a moral and outstanding goody-goody. My goal is to get laid, after all, so I can put sex in the appropriate life-context so that it doesn't consume me. Yes, I'd like to fall in love, and be with someone in that way. And it won't happen with this little routine. But if sex isn't an issue I can be myself and hopefully in 10-20 years I can be resolved that not only do I love someone the way they are, but they can love me just as much. Why does that seem like a prison sentence?

It is too much of having my cake and eating it too? Why can't my first time be worthwhile and simultaneously rewarding? Is this an impossible idealic dream? While I'm asking questions, how come anybody I give a damn about has to be so far away?

Of course, it's all for naught. She had called me while I was washing my car, left her number, and I called it back. Calling her is a direct violation of the directives set forth by the cold act. And so it's off.

No matter, she's still very much married. Regardless on whether she loves him or not is a question I cannot hope to answer: any attempt would be mere conjecture.

And I seem to be getting some enhanced attention these days, lulling me into a sense of hope and optimism. So it's ok.

Maybe things are going to go my way after all. And I didn't have to be a humongous asshole to get it. This makes things all very convenient and pleasing for me, since self-doubt is pretty controlled at this point.

Things work in mysterious ways.

 

[Yonphi]

Under the Ginko Tree

So it's no secret, at least one I can keep. I've had a few chats with IRC's very own GinkoKitsune. What, you thought I wouldn't say anything? Come on, now. You should know better.

I'd like to extend a thank you to whoever suggested that we might be soul mates. Time to be brutally honest, but, as it just so happens, it'll be good anyway.

I never imagined a girl could be in my position. Ever. Not in my wildest dreams. Such a thing spits in the face of everything I'd deduced about relationships, love, and sex, living vicariously through others from afar. I mean, a girl not having good luck with guys?

The female clone is something that I've long ago abandoned. I figure, at my age, I don't know things that I should and then just took it as granted that once a woman realizes I don't know what I should that then I won't be worth her time. More on this in a bit.

But since she's open about chatting with me, I'll be open too. She's entered the scope of this journal in a very big way.

There's a lot of common ground even beyond the virgin (and/or never been kissed, I thought I'd throw that in) we share. And she's got an interesting set of values from what I've seen. You can see a lot in it in some of her posts.

Speaking of it, I saw a little bit where she seemed hurt that I kind of flaked on her in the middle of a chat to run off and do dirty (albeit wickedly fun) things whilst on the phone. She said "I've met my almost exact duplicate, but I have the feeling that cyber and phone girls have the advantage over me." And I felt bad for a few reasons. Because, yes it's rude, to just up and abort a chat like that.
But also because it reminded me of something. When I see girls I could be interested in, I remember seeing the guys also seeking her attention and thinking to myself: "How can I compete with that? He's in a band!" and "How can I compete with that? He's 6'2", and she swings off his neck like a tree branch!" and "How can I compete with that? Blonde hair, blue eyes." And to the end of each of those thoughts, I added: "Fucker."

So here we have it, I'm chatting it up with Ginko when possible and the process of getting to know each other is proceeding. So far she's the closest Girl-Who-Tolerates-Me (or GWTM for a short, confusing acronym), and I do want to learn more. Since I've got this long journal up she knows a lot more about me than I do about her, so it's a little unbalanced this getting to know each other, but if she's read it and is willing to still call me a "chance", well, by gum, things are going great.

AND this is without any mind games or asshole-strategies. I feel so good about myself. And I can't believe I was tempted by it. Why didn't anyone smack me for thinking it for at least a second? Is it true? Am I being rewarded for being myself?

Florida is a big place though. Even a good middle ground to meet would be at least 6 to 8 hours worth of travel. Meaning we'd have to hunt for a place to chill the night and I don't want to sound like a total creep by suggesting we hang out. Of course I did anyway, since the distance is technically doable, versus some other cities I'd like to meet k-rad women in. But it's something to think about in the future. After all, we just met.

So what's going on here? Well, Cybersex girl now known as Phone Sex Girl, is now known as Ms. Robinson. :} Perhaps one of the better fake names for those I speak of here. I like her a lot, and it's for a lot of reasons, not just the obvious. Usually I pass by my computer as I get ready to leave in the morning and if I see she left some sexually suggestive e-mail it just adds a little spring in my step for the rest of the day, and makes me very tempted to stop and write back and be late for work. But the problem is that I feel a little disappointed because I'm really far away from her. I want to think, even if it's through faulty reasoning, that if I were to live around where Ms. Robinson lives, I'd already have posted my good-ending post. Plus, even if she is older than me, she's very dateable and I'd like to.

Conflict? Maybe. Right now I don't want to think about it because I'm afraid I don't know enough about things to know how to think. I'm totally not used to any kind of suggestions that I'm in demand. *blush*

But it's fun. Through this board there are lots of folks I've contacted that have made this whole posting much more fun and worthwhile to me than it might otherwise have been... other than Ms. Robinson and Ginko, but I won't publicly embarass them in case they don't want to be associated with me in this post :} .

Remember, the point was that I could try to convey the influences and throughts of a "forgotten" virgin, and this communication is to let you know how not to take your sex (that is, sex, not gender) for granted. It's grown into a bit more now. And it's nice.

Wasn't it not too long ago that I was complaining that I'm not having any kind of excitement in my life? Between phone sex and lines like "I think I need to turn on the heat." posted in her journal, I think I'm going to do a lot of blushing in the near future.

If this were a play, I'd call it Act IV.

 

[Yonphi]

Unsown Seeds

A little review of my new years resolution. It's almost the two month checkpoint, so I figure a state of the onion is appropriate. Yes, I know "union" is spelled "union". It was completely intentional. But now that I had to explain it it's lost all its fun. Note to self: leave my bad jokes un-dissected.

So I've been trying to plant the seeds of social fun around.

T-Girl is a lost cause at this point. I've been demoted to aquaintance, meaning I guess she got bored of me. She had been telling me about this guy she liked for a little bit, and then he asked her out for Valentines day and she's been giddy and smitten ever since. When I run into her she speaks only of him, and she's just as animated in her expression of her excitement. I really feel happy for her.

And now this is the paragraph where I don't feel happy for her. Heh heh, no, not really. But if I didn't feel happy for her I'd tell you all. It's just that if I do feel happy for her, I can't do such a nice literary presentation. Damn my ethics! Maybe I should pretend I'm not happy?

The bad part is that I'm not sure if she knew of him before she met me and just felt comfortable enough to talk to me about him, or if she met him after me and became crushing on her. I can't help but feel a little snubbed now, since time with him seems to be taken from time with me. And never feels good to be reminded you're second string.
But I would expect to less from anyone else. I mean, he's her boyfriend for chrissakes. If I ever find myself thinking she should spend more time with me at his expense then I will have completely written off any sense I ever had about the pecking order of things, and therefore am deserving of being committed.

Next up is E5 (only because it's recent). She's been snubbing me and being really weird with me lately. Last time I fell victim to her little flirtatiously empty promises, but this time I wasn't going to take it one bit. I caught her massaging a straw in a Frosty like she was giving a handjob or something and I asked her if she was "... doing that on purpose, or is it was a "nervous twitch?" She stopped immediately and didn't say anything. I tried to make eye contact but I figured I screwed up her lunch. Oh well, just a lunch.
But that's just what I thought. She's been cold on the phone, and I'm thinking it has to be something far bigger than my casual comment. I havn't been able to bring it up, so maybe I'll go point blank when I see her Saturday (unless she flakes out on me, which at this point may be possible).

Now, in one of my classes there's this tall redheaded girl. I had a chance to say a word or two (that's about it) and she found a familiar face, I guess, and we kept in touch during class. Outside? Only to or from class allowed. Well I hadn't seen her for a while, and didn't chat it up enough to find out her name. I figured she dropped. But then she came to class today. But didn't sit next to me. She went somewhere else and chatted it up with some other guy much friendlier than with me. Thing is, if they were friends before hand, wouldn't have they chum'd it up the first day? I tried to wave to her, but she never really looked my way. And I certainly don't know her well enough to have exposed her to my totally weird nature.
So I can't help but feel a little snubbed on her angle, too. Again, no immediate romantic prosepects: in her case because I just don't know enough. But it still feels a little cruddy.

Of course, I'm not taking all these as bad as I could. I'm still in a good mood. Part of it has to do with the obvious. But maybe I'm just growing a bit, or becoming detatched. I really am not lamenting anything right now, and I'll just take care of things as they go. Who knows, they could all start talking to me again. But for some strange reasons and VERY out-of-character for me, is that I'm not depressed about it. I'm not. And it feels pretty good that I'm not letting things like this drag me down.

After all, if the land is so poor that nothing will grow, I could always pave it and build an arcade on it. "If you build it... they will come..."

 

[Yonphi]

Casting "Mute"

Almost as suddenly as it began, it is no more.

Ok, a 2:00am post is very unusual for me. Very very unusual. This should be taken as a signal that the rules, nay, the very fabric of space and time is unravelling as I type.

But I think it's worth posting. No more fun from Ms. Robinson.

The reasons are complicated and somewhat beyond the scope of this journal. It boils down to a little complexity that distance puts into the equation. My distance is my weakness, evidently.

Now a little clarification. Yes, I can't help but have created feelings for her. I like to think I'm systematic enough and have enough of a grasp on reality to realize an impossible thing when I see it. But emotions are a different thing altogether. She may me impractical but I can't help but feeling close. I mean, you don't think we jumped right into Cyber/Phone sex, did you?

But we had a pretty emotional chat tonight. While I've been trying hard not to think about it, it's true that I've been thinking about her in special ways. And it turns out she's been thinking about me in special ways. Really impressive, I would say, that I don't do anything special and just be myself and she can dig me. I can't help but be pleased as punch at that.

But there is a little guilt going on. Part of the problem that is within the scope of this journal is that here we are, cultivating some feelings when it just isn't practical. She needs to have someone to talk to and hold and to come with her in person right then and there. And I know I wouldn't be able to take a long distance thing. Sure it's gobs of fun and really really hot to have phone sex with her, but there's still something missing. Obviously.

My official stance to her is not to worry about me. She's also one of many wishing me good luck with Ginko. How embarassing... but that's ok. I'll happy to take said good luck with her. :}

Does it hurt? Sure. No more fun time for me. But I guess now I have reason to watch porn again, if I'm not getting my jollies elsewhere.

"Well, K5 out of the way. What's next?"

Hold it right there, TORA. She's not K5.

"But she rejected you!"

I'm not looking at it that way. I'm not sure if I should, but I'm not. The way I see it, the result is pretty much the same whether we knock off the phone sex or not. Either way I can't go out with her. I can't hug and snuggle with her. And I can't make her come by my own accord. Sure, phone sex is nice and it'd be great if there was a way we could continue, but it might be too problematic.

Although, knowing me, I'd be willing to go ahead and deal with that complexity should it arise from me continuing to get a rise. :}

What this means now is there's a bit of simplicity that did away with complexity that I wasn't sure how to deal with on my own. I've been chatting it up with Ginko and I have to say I like her quite a bit. I really didn't want to get in a position where I'd have to choose between them, and it'd rude to persue Ginko while persuing someone else. There's a reason why The List works for me... because there is a descrete order in which I decide to persue girls (two-fiddy are the exceptions, but they were really an enactment of a theory). I'm never out "cruisin' for chicks." I'm "cruisin' for a chick." That's an important distinction.

While we're still getting to know each other, so far I can't help but feel optimistic that good things are still coming down the pike. I've been told that I've got a lot to offer a gal, so hopefully it's true and I get to actually be there when I offer it. :}

 

[Yonphi]

Good Eats

First off, let me plug one of my favorite cooking shows ever. Alton Brown is in this one on the Food Network called Good Eats (forgive me for not linking like crazy, but you're grown ups, if you're interested you know what to do).
Anyway, this guy totally rocks. It's a cooking show for pretty run-of-the-mill things: Biscuits, Turkey, Salmon, Jello... but he's like a super scientist. He does everything from scratch and shows you how to do it and justifies and provides answers and science to give perspective instead of just following a recipie.

Your homework is to check it out.

Anyway, flavor is good. Food is pretty good. I'm being pretty strick on the types of food I'm putting in me recently, and so far I feel like I've got energy. Physical energy. Today I have little mental energy from stressful stuffs.

But to completely jump to a slightly unrelated topic, I want to know what a woman tastes like.

Nobody's let me get that close for me to know anything of taste or smell. How do those lyrics go? "Words all fail the magic prize / nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs." I have to say I love the idea, really. I mean, how cool is that. It's enough to be naked for me for a sexual encounter, plus to just spread and let me delve all my senses in her? (touch,taste,smell,hearing,seeing)

So the question is: what does a woman taste like? I did get an answer before. I was told a reasonable approximation was how semen tastes like, and I was told this from a woman who often licks her fingers after her business. So, if anyone would know... it would be....

And that was the challenge. Dare I take the road less travelled from guy-flavor country? Well, if it's the persuit of knowledge I want, I'll have to just suck it up. In a manner of speaking.

Trial one was quick. Remember, water based lubes are not flavorless. Whoops.
Trial two was easier. I dispensed with the lube and... well... my tongue didn't burn off and I'm not gay, so, ok, disaster averted. And I've got perhaps a sneak peek into a world ahead, if there's any luck in said world.

Think I'm disgusting? Well, ok. Maybe. But, see, I just have to know. Anything that can get my a little closer to those 5 senses, the better. And yeah, I'm still looking forward to going to town with some good eats. I'm just an eager beaver for some beaver.

Besides, if I wouldn't do it, how would I expect a lovely girl to do it for me? I firmly believe that oral sex is something pretty good I have to look forward to.

And don't try to dissuade me. I'm convinced that, should I obtain permission, I'll have to add "Women's Lovely Flavors" to my diet.

 

[Yonphi]

Hysterical Paroxysm

I wonder how many know what the subject line means? Don't worry about it, but I can tell you in the 19th century, it was the name of a very curious thing.

There was a catch-all psychological condition that was diagnosed to women when all else failed. I think they called it hysteria, from what I understand. Anyway, the woman stricken with this terrible ailment (besides being a trashcan diagnosis) would go to her doctor, he'd examine her (remember, it's the 19th century). And, if his professional opinion determined it, he would perform treatment right there. Which, in this particular treatment, meant physical manipulation of the clitoris. After some time at this, the woman would go through a strange physical effect they called "hysterical paroxysm" and she seemed to be ok after that.

It wasn't until later that they figured out it's a sexual response. Yeesh. Do you mean to tell me that since the dawn of time men never saught to make a woman come? Or is that just doctors? Heh, it's all in the money. :]

Anyway, this playtime was really a lot of work for doctors, evidently, so vibrators were invented to save them this work. Blah, I'm born a few hundred years too late: I'd a'done it for free. And hence, new technology was born.

My little toy Brave New World came with a little bullet vibrator. I'm not sure what they intended me to do with it. Most likely to stuff in the other end of the hole where I'd stuff myself into. But, that's it? Somehow I think it's more useful to women than men. Unless there's something I'm just not immediately thinking of as far as potential uses.

But mysterious it is. Aside from the mystery, I am 100% in favor of female orgasms. The more the merrier. And any by my will and actions are all the better.

Hey, I'm the first to admit that, for a while there, I just stopped writing about sex. So no complaining! I'll probably have something nice and sweet to say next time. Well, maybe probably. Who knows?

 

[Yonphi]

Odd Hours

Odd hours makes odd posts.

For some reason, I'm more down than usual. Explanation? Who knows. I have a few guesses, sure, but maybe that'll be for later. Today at work I saw something so very shocking with it's pure reality of it. There's a cute receptionist I've begun to say "hi" to on a regular basis. They say "don't dip your pen in the company ink" but I havn't cared about that. Ever. I don't care what troubles can occur, it's gotta be better than this.
Anyway, today I didn't say hi. She was there, but she didn't look bored. A guy pushing a cart of who knows what walked by and was chatting it up. I would guess they were "for real" flirting, as opposed to that mish-mash that I'd been working on that maybe was just a pity thing that she would respond to it.
She was looking right at him with her nice round face and he was just lankily walking by pushing a noisy cart. It would take someone the whole of 30 seconds to lubricate those friggin' wheels.
But he would say something, she would giggle. She smiled a lot and he smirked a lot. When she spoke she sounded excited to talk to him. This was all in about a minute that it took me to walk all the way from the distance past the desk.

And meanwhile all I got were simple, polite "hi"s. You could say I was stuck in a spin-lock from which the test condition never failed to come to fruition.

Lesson Time:

If you're just starting programming (all you CS majors, look away because you know what a spin lock is. Well, if you don't then it's ok to look), take a look at these statements in some imaginary language.

Condition = false;
While (Condition == false) do nothing;

Now, what's the point? The code just set some variable to false, and for as long as that variable is false, it just sits there doing nothing. Forever. Until through some kind of magic, Condition becomes true.
The trick to this that you are thinking one dimensionally. :] Imagine multiple programs, sharing the same variables. While one program may be waiting for Condition to become true in some magic fairy tale, another program could just waltz up and, flip! Set condition to true, giving a green light to the first program to break out of that spin lock and do something useful.

I'm not going to go into the practical applications of this since I'm way out of scope of this journal as it is. But, aren't you glad I'm teaching you? Yeah, you are. Don't make that face.

So, anyway, while I'm waiting for my brain to fill me in with the details on going further with cute receptionist, someone sweeps in and knows what to do already. He goes this and she provides prompts that he's going a good job (smiling, giggling, etc). That probably helps a lot. Meanwhile, Condition just sits in false for me. Nobody's gonna come around and flip it to true.

What all this leadin is for is communicating that I'm feeling a little blue. I cringe a little to think it because I aspire to be a jack of all trades and, through that desire, completely independant of others. But the fact is that I crave female attention. Just a giggle. Just a smile.

"All this for that? Man, you suck Yonphi."

Well, ok. That was a loaded comment. I was intending, on opening, to write something a little personal. But it might be inappropriate. Not for what it tells of me, but what it tells of someone else. But now I'm getting cold feet because, of course, I don't want to mess it up.

(oh, and, if you hadn't guessed by now, I'm not talking about the receptionist.)

If you read 100 posts by someone on their journal, does that mean you know them? If that other person reads 100 posts of yours, does that mean they know you? Do those things imply that you two really know each other? (insert giant questionmark here)

Thing is, cold-calling for dates (what I call just approaching people I don't know who I feel may be good through extremely limited observational evidence) is kind of easy. I've got nothing to lose if she doesn't like me, in all honesty. Sure rejections hurt, but I havn't lost anything I didn't have to begin with. Like how software companies claim they lost $800 billion in software piracy, but are so egotistical to think that everyone who's running a pirate copy of Quake 3 would buy it if it wasn't made available to them for free.

When I make friends, and I find enough about them that I like, I lower my guard. A lot. This results in a lot of stupid things I could say, and things I could say that carry meanings I didn't intend. When I lower my guard, I'm no longer concerned that I will loose her approval. And that's a nice feeling. And it's nice to have friends again. It's been so long since I had some.

Does this post seem incomplete? It is. But the time isn't right yet to complete it. Maybe in a couple of weeks?

Come on, would you rather I had not posted? If the answer is yes, please don't tell me.

(edit: forgot a subject line. I will only make one post in this entire journal without a subject, and I'm saving it for perhaps the most eventful post, if I ever get to have an eventful post. Can you believe I just got myself out of bed to make this change? I'm never gonna get any sleep....)

 

[Yonphi]

Beating Myself Up

Well, if there's one thing you folks deserve is a good post. I'll probably disappoint, though. That's just the kind of thing I do.

I've made a nice-nice with E5 on Thursday. I was blue, I had a random twitch, and I visited her. We had arranged a tentative consensus that she is not to lead on without intent of delivery. And I would remind her if I were to catch her I am to let her know so she can know.

And to make up for such things we hung out on Saturday. And I did catch her a few times and pretty much had her hang her head in shame.

Now, the question is, if I didn't catch her, how far would things go? Well, she's married to someone else so there's nothing I can do. BUT what if she just ignores it for the time being and seeks something from me? She could definitely use me because part of the problem of being a unwitting virgin with pent up energy is that I can be used. But I know I'm being used, and accept it because the alternative means I may never get any sort of chance. Ever. Fate could very well play a game of "take it or leave it."

But guilt is a big thing. Maybe I should toss my rules and ethics aside. But... hmmm... I wonder if she just wants a living playtoy versus someone to enjoy?

I mean, would it be ok to do anything with her if she is? How about a massage? A kiss? Some finger-fucking? And so on. Guilt has a way of being really hard to shake off.

I really can't believe I'm thinking this way. I'm so used to the notion that nobody could ever like me that any suggestions otherwise just throw me for a loop.

I kind of wish someone would claim me so I can be faithful and honest. Then I don't have to worry about it, it'd be easy to fight since if I've got a girlfriend, then no no no. Never cheat. But nobody has sunk her claws into me claiming me as her own, so I'm worried that I'd be game for anything. And I don't like the guilt that may come from me being totally easy.

...

Even though I probably am. *shame*

 

[Yonphi]

'splanin to do.

I owe you all an appology.

Remember I had promised I wouldn't censor myself here? Well I have. And that's not simply coincidental to the decreased activity I've had posting here. I wasn't sure how to attack it, and even if I should. I don't have a lot of readers, and even their numbers are dropping daily. But all it takes is one who can play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon on my ass and get me in a shitload of trouble.

You KNOW it's important if I'm posting at this odd hour. Work? Nope, not today.

Remember what I said last time? "I mean, would it be ok to do anything with her if she is? How about a massage? A kiss? Some finger-fucking? And so on. Guilt has a way of being really hard to shake off." Clearly a deliberate piece of text. I also mentioned that I caught her a few times trying to flirt. That's true. But what was glanced over was that I didn't catch all the times. And there's a few things that I deliberately didn't catch.

"Stop beating around the bush."

Well, actually, it wasn't beating around the bush. It was beating in the bush.

That's right. Although I should be clear that while I'm still a virgin, my left hand isn't. On flirting, the only restriction is that I am to let her know when she's doing it when she is, because she may not be realizing it. A reasonable consession. I was preparing for a nice thing free of big evil emotions Saturday when we were to make it all up. She was to watch some videos with me, and just hang out. We're a little weird together, you see, and we spend lots of time in cars parked in weird locations just talking. And nobody would ever believe that we just park and talk, but that's the way it was. Notice I said "was."

She did broadcast to me that she was horny, and I gave her a look and she turned away shamefully. I felt badly for her. I am all too familiar with desire and longing and lack of release. I guess she's getting a taste of what my life is like, except I don't really have that bright light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt badly, and offerred to drive her and provide support for her to boldly enter a porn shop (the one from my last random twitch) and purchase a vibrating dildo. After all, if I can be comfortable with E1 and pick up where we left off with her, surely I can be a good supportive friend with her.

There was talking and maybe 5 hours after the purchase (she didn't get anything as fancy as what Ginko's got coming to her, but, hey, her tastes are her tastes) we kept talking. And itch she couldn't scratch turned into my scratching. She asked a few times what I was thinking about and I knew I would get in trouble if I spoke my mind.

But she picked up my hand and put it on her breast. And I felt it up. It wasn't too long before she slid my hand under her top. And I could really feel what was going on. It kept going, and I know I could have stopped at any time but I didn't. All I could think about is this being my only chance for this sort of thing and I kept going. When she told me she was wet and shoved my hand down her pants to find out, yeah, it became clear what was going on. Next thing I know she was getting fingered and those fingers were mine. She grabbed my head and pulled it into her chest while breathing heavily and urging things along. I sucked her breasts and nipples, suction and tongue waggling.

We interuptus this to bring you some science.

Neat. Very neat. I don't want to say that's how I expected it to feel like (breasts and crotch), but it was pretty much what I had envisioned. She was as she declared, wet. It was extremely neat to feel what maybe someday might be in store for me. Well, I'm talking science so I'm talking pussy: not necessaily hers. Her nipples were a surprise, though. Things were really dark and I couldn't get a good view, but I did feel them and I was very happy to have done that to have realistic sensations attached.

She came and it was pretty much done. I got to taste my fingers and it was as expected thanks to guideance of another. The fingers that had undergone the plunge were pruney for how long they were going at it. I felt her push back and rock her hips and the sound of the sloshing with my fingers and moan and groan.... it was all so primitive and primal it really is a truely exciting thing. By gum, I think she liked it. And that night I got an e-mail telling me how surprisingly good I was, and teased me a bit because I didn't think I had the instinct to do a good job (the "lack of instinct" thing isn't exactly new).

But that was pretty much it. Other than sucking her juice off my
fingers, that was it. I thought at the very least I might be getting
a hand job or something. But no. The car was dark, we were alone, and no hand job or blow job or any sort of job for me. And, I didn't even get a kiss afterwards. And she admitted she was thinking about her husband.

I got used. Big time.

I did say that, given the opportunity, I would allow myself to be used since I don't have any alternative. Not allowing myself to be used could prevent me from experiencing things. And this is different from tricking or manipulating a girl or anything like that. She was manipulating me. And I guess I had to know she was. But I knew it and evidently didn't care enough to stop.

And so I am ashamed. How could I do soemthing like that to a married woman who isn't my wife? For all the times I've been told that my ethics can go to hell, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Now I can't look at myself in the mirror. And even then I don't think I feel as badly as I should, only because it was my first experience with that sort of thing. See how warped and extended virginity can be bad for you?

I'd been mulling about on Sunday looking for people to tell. Actually, I did talk to Ginko when I got back home. She said she forgives me, and that makes me feel better. We're not an item, but I don't want her to look at me as some super-easily manipulated guy. Rest assured that my girlfriend, as unlikely as she may be, will be my one and only.

And barring getting slipped a mickey, I would never do such a thing. Which is guess is a double standard since I'm fucking glad she did that with me.

So I should say how I wish she hadn't done such a thing (pretty much drop my hand where she wanted it, knowing I'd play along). But this is an experience. One I'll never forget. And, I have to admit a little bit of instinct seemed to come out. And that was reassuring. And with that, perhaps I can share that with someone that wouldn't see me as just a toy to get her off.

Or for her self-esteem. Either way, while I'd like to think it was me, she probably just wanted to see if she could get a guy to do that and get blue balls over her. Or that's what I thought yesterday morning.

Yesterday I spoke with her. She told me she was upset that she was afraid she liked it too much and didn't want to threaten her existing relationships. Humbug. I did get a bit of "fuck-buddy" advice that, paraphrasing, said "keep emotions out of it."

And it did get a bit heated. I don't know what was going on, but it seems like the "playtime" is over. That is, that's how I went to sleep yesterday. I woke up today to find an e-mail saying that she can't even be my friend now, that it's for the best.

That sound you hear is the flushing of 3.5 years of history, and pretty much the only local friend I've got left with T-Girl preoccupied with another. And while I had written her off before as no longer a friend, I was feeling comfortable again. The way I see it what we were doing now might as well have happened back then. So of course I feel like shit because I could have stopped at any time. And if I did things might not have ended up this way.

And it's clear why I didn't stop. Had I ever gotten lucky before, or had real reason to believe I will in the future (fate always finds a way to fuck my over (figuratively) in the end), I wouldn't have jumped at this "take it or leave it" shot.

Of course I'm trying to be rational and logical about things. But I guess no matter how much I'd want to deny it, yeah, my emotions are involved, too.

If only I wasn't a virgin, then I could have resisted the call. And I wouldn't have to try to explain why I called out from work over this.

 

[Yonphi]

Marketing

All in all, it's a learning experience. And that's good. I'm sure after I get over the fact that I fucked a friendship (albeit, maybe not completely, since the idea had been whisked in front of my face that she may end up coming back figuring out she misses me (like last time), which would make me feel good thinking about it), my self esteem is perhaps been increased. I guess making a girl come does that do a guy. How much esteem has been gained? Who knows. But it'll probably offset at least a handful of disppointments from The List.

So, maybe I should start making myself more marketable. After all, this is the Year of Yonphi, as I had so modestly proclaimed.

Thing is, most of my talents are hidden talents, I'm guessing. Sure I can pick up things with my toes, but by the time you find that out you already trust me enough to be in a situation where I am barefoot (meaning I'm in your Friend Zone). Sure I know thousands of Simspons quotes, and, if challenged, I'm pretty sure I can go all day only using them to convey my thoughts (Untested theory, mind you). Sure I was able to avoid an accident by going on the opposide side of the road (actually, the story isn't as interesting and daring as it sounds).

But all this is useless. The stuff that can be done easily in public to attract, like juggling, or cheap magic tricks, or yo-yo tricks, or skateboarding, or shadowboxing, or walk with an air of desirability are all impossible for me. Not that it can't be learned, yes. But I havn't learned it yet. All I've got is that cut-off thumb hand trick and being able to say "Oh, yeah?" in perhaps the most attractive way possible. (That I'll admit, although nobody has ever told me that I think I'm pretty good at that. And it's natural.)

Today walking to class there was this nut ball on a bike singing at the top of his lungs all over. I was walking past some girl who is trying not to make eye contact with me (I know the type all too well) and the bike guy passed me, stopped mid-verse, and said to her "Que Linda!" and kept going and resumed his song. Her face said it all. A wire-thin horizontal frown and now she had to make eye contact with me for the need to explain this. I smiled in agreement and a "funny the way society works with such a wide variety of people in it" way. But that's it. I didn't try any more. She didn't seem very receptive.

But this guy on the bike? Man, he was free. He was just living it up and doing his thing and didn't pay any mind to anything. I have to say I respect him. The last time I told a girl I thought she was pretty I ended up sweating a few drops instantly because I thought she thought I said it just to sweet talk her. Which may or may not have crossed her mind, and it certainly wasn't my intent.

Maybe I'd be able to let myself go someday.

Meanwhile I'm here in the computer lab waiting for these downloads to finish. You'd think a place like this would have a few OC3 links for the labs. And I'm friggin' glad I took courses this semester. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get a password to download this stuff. They had arranged with Microsoft to give, for 100% free (with legal licenses), Windows XP Professional (I'm happy with Win2000, but it might come in handy), Visual Studio .NET Professional (I got 6.0 Academic at home, meaning no assembly work), and lots of other goodies. BUT you can't access it except from machines at this school.

I'll see how much longer. So much for letting go.

 

[Yonphi]

Solo Date

I treated myself to a date yesterday night. With myself. I pretty much picked a dating agenda and implemented it alone. In retrospect I'll call it a dry run, but, that's not what I was thinking at the time.

My cover story was that it WAS an authentic date, to questions about why I didn't come home in an expected range of time. The Lie continues. I don't like that I do that, but I don't think I should be truthful with them. I know they'd be really worried about me if they knew the truth and how it affects me. I don't know what exactly they would do, but it can't be good. I may be able to score some free mental help, possibly, or I could be attacked with "it's ok to be gay" literature. I'm feeling preemtively embarassed for my folks.

On a slightly related topic, it's a damn good thing I'm not bi. At least this way I have only one virginity to lose. If I'm this neurotic with one, could you imagine? :] Or maybe it would make things easier since the pressure I apply to one would be divided up amongst two (or three, heh, y'know, pitching and catching). *shrug*

After I had finished downloading another ISO (only 8 hours! feh. At least I could actually do some spring break homework early) on the school machines, I went and tried one aspect of the idea. Rooftop testing. Rooftops are very important, you know. One thing I find interesting about anime is that eventful things always happen on school rooftops, and roof access is a trivial thing to achieve.
But, the real world, here at least, isn't quite so encouraging. Lots of locks and security around them. Is it for terrorist reasons? To reduce suicide liability? Who knows. It's just no fun at all.

I really must learn how to pick locks.

Next was a trip to the only 24-hour McDonalds down here. The drive through line (the inside was closed for obvious reasons) was long, and I'm sure many nice conversations could be had there. I gobbled some stuff and looked quite longingly towards some "freedom fries" and gently stroked my lips with some and did not eat them. When it's temptations I have willpower to avoid I like to help remind myself what powerful forces it is. And I feel pretty strong willed for a change.
By the way, I don't think Freedom Fries sounds too stupid. Considering French Fries are short for French-Fried Potatoes. I really wish there was a convenient one word nickname for them, though. Oh, wait, there is. FRIES. Why do we gotta mix up politics in food? I like talking politics when the time comes, but when I'm done I'm done.

Yet talking politics and Freedom Fries with a date would have been an interesting conversation. I had taken ethics and debate this semester with the hopes that a few female classmates would see a guy like me getting passionate about the things he believes in, which I felt might have helped portray me as attractive. But, alas, doesn't seem like it's quite going to happen that way. Oh well. There's always pottery at the YMCA.

I parked for the food and tried out the moonroof as I wanted to. Reclined back in a dark spot near campus and just watched up. It was pretty cloudy so there were no stars to see. But it doesn't matter at that point, does it? RealDate (tm) would require a clear night.

After a few mental conversations to myself, it was off to the arcade. Strangely empty for a Friday Night, then again I havn't been there that late in a LONG time. DDR accosted me at the entrance again, but this time it didn't seem so threatening. Single, Beginner, One Big Foot. Then Two Big Feet. Then One Big Foot. And Insta-death ala Everquest was not to be. And I'm thankful for difficulty settings. I got off and thinking to myself that I had a good way to secretly practice and build some skills. I did a round about the place, morning the loss of the Point Blank machine as I always had since it was gone, playing a game of Tetris (which, evidently, had been tweaked to the difficult end with a very uneven random piece distribution, but I'm fairly good anyway so that's ok). I came back to the front and watched these two guys really go at it on that DDR machine. And all of a sudden the audacity that I could actually acheive THOSE levels became exposed for the purely fantastic (that is, based in fantasy) idea that it was.

Then a stroll, by myself, around and around. I love to walk. I don't really get to enjoy it in Miami since it's always too damned hot or too damned humid to do it. But the dead of night was pretty good.

The ride home was quite relaxing as well. I happened upon my first mix CD ever burned in my audio-book I tossed in the glove compartment and popped it in. I had burned a bunch of MOD/S3M/XM songs onto disc. And it sounded really good and brought back a lot of memories. There were a few songs that I missed hearing that had been lost in my most recent Hard Drive snafu. Yes, I don't make backups. And I always tell myself that I should.

When that disc was over, I popped a newer mix cd in and the first song really said a lot to my mood. To my, pure music effects my mood, and then my mood dictates songs I dig. My mix cd's usually start out with music, and end up with songs.

And the first music? Check out the title: "Treat me Mean, I Need the Reputation." It's by Xploding Plastix, it's good stuff and I think pretty much sums it all up. The measures after the main bridge towards the end have a perfect mix of chaos, neurosis, sorrow, hope, and triviality. It's a recommended download.

I can honestly say I'm a good date for myself. I treated myself like a gentleman all night. :]