Trials of Chastity

[Yonphi]

Enboldening

On a side note, I had the power go out on my computer for the last time. I lost really good stuff here tonight. This is probably also a sign to back up my data. (*cough* all 250 gigs worth *cough*)

There is something I feel a lot better about. Here's a timeline.

Saturday was another DDR tournament. The point isn't how awful I was (which I blame squarely on the pad I was forced to play on twice: if it was fair we'd have switched). The point was Groovy Girl.

Earlier in the day we spoke and I had agreed to fix her computer. From the general public I don't like getting asked to do anything related to computers. Aside from a little advice, I don't need to get so involved in a machine I have no stake in that I get called for any little issue. Don't do what I tell you not to do and you'll be fine. I am not 24/7 support. My mother's side of the family is even worse. They ask terribly unreasonable things all the time. What starts out as "Can you find this address?" (an easy task) soon becomes "what do you mean you can't find out over the internet how much they're paying in property taxes?" and "how come I can't get a 3D tour of their house?" and "just one more thing." Not everyone is worthy of my help.
Fortunately, if I like you, I will like to help you with computer woes. I secretly want people who I care about to want me to help them. I don't like OFFERING because I don't want to impose anything. For example, suppose you have a mechanic friend. They're a mechanic, but you don't trust their skill. Maybe you witnessed them using a mallet to hammer in a square car battery into a round hole. Maybe you look at their hunk-of-junk and wonder if you can trust your vehicle to someone whose car needs to be put into neutral in order to engage the turn signals and that has the horn switch retrofitted onto the overhead lamp switch. If you were to mention to this person you were having car trouble, they would INSIST on helping... at your peril. You might want to keep quiet about that burned out tail-light lest you wind up with a winking headlight.
So I like the feeling when someone I know trusts my skill enough to entrust their equipment to them. It makes me proud and eager to do my best. I've even taken financial loss on computer repairs for others because I was too proud to admit failure.

Groovy Girl had asked. Yes, I'm easy: all you have to do is ask.

But after the tournament, we sat and spoke alone. We had a heart to heart. I checked to make sure NPP was treating her right. She said yes. The respect factor has gone up, and there is understanding. On a side note, NPP has said some desparaging things about her. It is starting to hurt me, strangely enough. But I didn't want to say anything for fear that he just won't tell me what's on his mind about her. I figure if it gets bad enough I'll step in, and I won't be without a way to rectify the situation.

During our alone time, we were looking over a book. We were at a round table and I got close to her and touched her a little.
"I'm not being fresh, I just can't see and point to things that well unless I'm right here."
And then, I said, as a joke. "No, actually, I am being fresh." She giggled a bit. "My real problem is being attracted to unavailable women."
If I had a cyanide pill issued to me by the CIA, I would have ingested it. I can't believe I said that.
"I have needs," I followed with. When you're dead, be dead I always say. A few beats passed, and I finished with a "damnit." I don't know how I've gotten in the tendancy to do that. But it works.
She looked away and downwards and whispered. "Well, I have eyes." I smiled, and after a few beats, without looking up, she said "damnit."

I then had a reminder vision. About Play. How she cheated on her husband. She wanted to fool around but didn't want to abandon what she had to do it. That's why it's called cheating. She's holding on to what she's got and hiding it, pretending not to have it, in order to get handed something else from fate. I watched Groovy Girl kind of twiddle her fingers while she said that, and, even though it meant nothing but good things for me (after that, I think she wants me. But then again I thought Student wanted me), I felt a little pang of fragility.

"..."

Aw, don't get mad at me, I'm not done. This happened on Saturday. Today is different.

Monday I applied for a job. It's not that I don't like the job I'm in. It's manageable. Shit Job killed my soul. This job is exactly like I thought a tech job would be like, which is nice. I'm learning a lot. But the product we support is shit. The more I learn about it the more it seems like a scam. And the more I learn about it the more I realize what happens when you don't follow good coding practices. On the business side, there are real issues about follow up everywhere. I don't have trust in its stability. Plus, I want to be a programmer, not tech support. They knew that when they hired me.

After a lovely pep-talk that night from someone unexpected but very welcome, I realized I had done something. I did the same thing that I judged against others. I kept what I had and tried to get something more. And it's ok. I just gotta be me and do what I do and I'll find my place in the world with the right people doing the right thing.

Fragility gone. If NPP screws up and Groovy Girl comes running to me, it'd be his own fault: friend or not. She deserves someone who won't be embarassed by her. Not to say that she isn't embarassing, but I'd gladly be part of it.

There. Far too much sugar for a Wednesday night.

So let me tell you that gal from the personals. Went from email to chat with her. I got a name for her. UUE. What does that stand for? Oooh, you're gonna love this one. No, really, you are.
We have a date on Friday. I'm just as shocked as you are. The thing is she's got a boyfriend. Yep, you got it. Unavailable... at least in the classical sense. So what's she doing talking to me? He doesn't appreciate her. He takes her for granted. They see each other maybe once a week, and he's got low sex drive. She's lonely. She's horny. Unavailable? Unappreciated? Estranged? Shoe betcha.

Plus I created a bunch of "uue" files back when my only internet access at work was telnet through my school's shell account. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I had to make a quick run to Thesaurus.com for "estranged".

I don't know where this is going. There is flirting going on. We both use our webcams. She's got sexy lips (very important, you know). And, most importantly, she's in a relationship where he doesn't appreciate her.

Two interests, both unavailable, both not as loved quite as fully as they should be.

Since when did I become a vigilante for love?

 

[Yonphi]

Giddy giddy giddy

I can be forgiven for this today, right? Whenever I post I typically post a lot at a time, right?

I'm antsy. Extremely antsy. Giddy giddy giddy. I've got such a good vibe about this. I don't know why I've got this extra special feeling.

In Dragon Half, there's a scene of the evil (presumably) king who wants Mink (a half human half dragon scantily clad anime girlie) plotting for her death. The scene directly after that has Mink smiling widely. Her campmates ask why she is smiling so widely and she says it's because she's got a lucky feeling. Like good luck's a'comin'. It's funny because the exact opposite.

I can barely concentrate on my work. But it's no so bad that I would forget to remotely login at home to post here.

I trust that there is real good fortune coming towards me.

--- Later this evening ---

Introducing, the newest fad in dating! It's called "stand up", because you leave the other person standing up for nearly an hour looking for you! Mwa ha ha ha!

So, yes, a no show. Now, I recognize that it's not necessarily on purpose. She could have flaked, yes, but that's a flake thing, not a intentional dislike. Something could have happened. Accident, emergency, anything. UUE doesn't have a way to contact me other than e-mail and chat and if there are no napster-machines around there is no way to send me a message. It happens.

Of course, being a no-show is a banked kind of rejection. Banked in so much that you don't directly hurt someone's feelings, which would hurt an amount of emotional hurt K. But then, later, when the no-show becomes evident, it hurts K * C, where C > 1. You get the hurt plus interest.

Oh well. Plat is supposed to be here this weekend. I'll be very glad to see her. I havn't heard from her in a while. I wouldn't be surprised if she just pops up out of nowhere and says "let's go." She's very spontaneous like that. Then again, since I expect her to behave that way I guess she isn't unpredictable.

 

[Yonphi]

On Attraction

Sometimes I wonder why I'm attracted to the people I am. Not in a "what the hell do you see in them" kind of way. But as in purely scientific manner to discover the roots of attraction.

I've always felt that "type" is a bullshit answer when it comes to romance and romantic interests. What precisely makes someone not your "type"? I think that's just an answer used at a catch-all for no specific reason. Or just a euphamism for a variety of other problems. And I still stand behind it.

One thing that's undeniable, though, is bonding. The kind of thing that makes you glad to be around someone. And it isn't a unique thing. There's pleasure to be derived just out of the company of someone.

I derived much pleasure this weekend. Plat really is something else. It'd been a long time since we hung out. Nearly 6 years. I was hoping I wouldn't be the slightest bitter and upset at what had happened so long ago and that I could just enjoy things as they are. My hopes were realized.

Although, there was a moment, and just a moment, that I looked at her and wished we would have given it a try. The sorrow is that back then I wasn't nearly the man I am today, and even if tried it probably wouldn't have gone well. And today it's too late. It was a moment after dinner. WTF was in the bathroom. And I had pointed out an observation that a sign has "N" written backwards in one word, yet forwards on another word on the same sign. She stood close and looked up at me (she's a shortie). We were within what I would consider kissing distance. She was just smiling at me, for a reason I couldn't quite get. I was smiling back. And we froze there. That thought flashed in my head.

She broke the stalemate: tiptoed up and kissed me on the cheek. She then turned around and said how it's too bad the guy I am today didn't exist back then. I asked her what "when" she was referring to when WTF came back. Later later, when he was taking a shower, she brought it up again. It was too bad back when I was interested in her and she was available I wasn't the kind of guy she'd go out with.

I remember in school sitting across her at a table. I was writing stuff for myself (sometimes code, sometimes short stories) and I would glance up at her. She was reclined, in the sunlight, hair picked up, with the pencil's eraser pushed up against her chin. I remember wanting to just get up, walk around, and just give her a kiss. I didn't because I was completely neurotic about doing that. Today in a similar situation, I probably would. It wouldn't even have to be a full-on kiss. Just a little something to know I liked her.

I told her this. We hugged. While hugging she whispered to me very softly that WTF is appeared to be getting a little jealous while she was paying attention to me. That felt good... the thought that I threaten a guy. Even though Plat and I know nothing will come of this other than a bonding, it's nice to know he can see me as a challenge to her feelings for him.

I'm pleased I can have affection for someone on a friendly level and THAT doesn't threaten itself. I always pushed things before to bust and it left me feeling lonely. Today I can keep it simple.

But while all this is fine and dandy, I'm still a horny guy. Going home today the thought flashed in my head that I'll never get laid again. I know it's not true, even though the little demon on my shoulder is trying to convince me it is. I just want to hurry up and confirm it so I can shut it up and go "nyah nyah, told you so."

One thing I didn't want to admit but I feel I'm going to have to is that I've got a vacation. To California. Originally booked under the impression Play was going to show me around, now I keep the vacation. Partly due to spite (I'll admit that), partly due to the fact that I HATE the thought of people losing things they already paid for. This Saturday night I leave for LA, staying in Little Toyko.

And, with the dirtiest of thoughts in mind, I wonder where the kind of woman who would see me as her type hangs out. Where can you find a woman that wants to be found by a guy like me?

...

There's got to be an arcade in Little Tokyo, right?

I'm kidding.

...

Well, only partly.

 

[Yonphi]

Um... nope.

Dear Weather System:
May I please go on vacation next week? I'd like to leave Saturday.
Respectfully,
-Yonphi

To Whom It May Concern:
Um... nope. Thank you.
-Weather

While I'm locked in here like it's a coffin, I'm just extremely not groovy over how my trip will be cancelled. I'll probably then spend a whole mess of time arguing with people to try and get my money back. Of course, that's not the diminish the fact that this thing is going to claw through 18 states.

In a sense, it's probably better this way. I'm just setting myself up for failure in my quest. I would have liked to take this week off as an experiment in being a sexy guy. You know the saying, after all. "Don't shit where you eat." And while there are some rewards in trying something out, I think the odds favor no reward and would just have me, on the flight back, bitter and angry and depressed, in no particular order and not implying the lack of multiple occurrances.

Right now I'm between a few camps. In one camp, the one with a big fire with cheerleaders all around it making s'mores, is my sex drive. I'd gotten my toes wet last winter/spring and I'm eager to escalate. You know the drill: harder, longer, faster, stronger. The drive to add notches to my bedpost, sow my oats (without actually sowing oats if it can be avoided, no need for extra drama).

On the other side of the river that I'm in, there's a nice set of country houses with playing children around the fire-shaped maypole. People there are pleased, content, and satisfied with their lot in life. They seek nothing more from their existance.

Up for philosophical debate, then, is whether happiness is found through accepting your fate or by wrestling what you want from the cold dead hands of your opponents. Surely unhappiness is then found through a failure outcome in the struggle for what you want. Buddism, anyone? Ok, well, then you need to ask yourself: are the people who accept their fate happier than those who have struggled and won? I don't know about you, but working hard and overcoming obstacles is pretty rewarding. And the only sorts of things I do of that are in video games, so I imagine the real thing feels pretty fucking good.

I can't blame anyone or anything, though. What comes comes and that's it. That's how I'm handling everything. And, so far, all that's been coming my way are those who are unavailable. To assume they will ever become available is folly. Not that I'm a worse person for it, I'm feeling the enriching glow of the glowing enrichment all over the place.

Still, it's irritating to sleep alone.

 

[Yonphi]

Rescheduling

It turns out I'm going after all.

And just when I psyched myself out of it, too. But I can be an eager beaver again. No problem. They rescheduled me to very early, but I'll just suck it up since the hotel *is* prepaid after all.

I'm a pretty nice guy, aren't I? I don't look too much like a turnip, right? (Answer: "You look nothing like a turnip.") I'm VERY shy, true, but I get to try out being someone else for a few days. Let's see if I can be sociable without someone holding my hand in the process. And with any luck... with any inkling of luck...

Only slightly embarassing to say so, but last time I had some time to spend a weekend with someone that I figured "well, at this point nothing will happen" I was caught unarmed with the proper protection. THAT's not going to happen again. Besides, I've got to get cracking on the 56 remaining condoms in my possession before they go bad in a year or two.

But this trip I am nervous that I'm not going to have a good time. I'm walking in there blind, my primary motivation is that I'm not going to let Play and her hijinx ruin my life and what I wish to do with it... after all, I got the hotel room after I figured out what was up, in a further investment to not lose my prepaid airfare.

I did, after quite a while, have a lucid dream during a very long nap today. See, with all these shutters all over the house I don't get any sunlight and it's messing with my sleep. During the nap I dreamt I arrived in LAX and Play was standing there with Replacement. They saw me coming and I pretended not to see them and saw her hitting him and motioning. As I came closer they started making out, and I, tourist as I am, pulled out a camera and took a picture. He broke away and told her that I took a picture. She then came running to me yelling about how I should hand that camera over right now or she'll tell her husband I raped her. And I, boyscout as I am, pulled out the digital voice recorder I had running. It was stopped and set on replay and it replayed her words. I put it back in my pocket and lifted my new laptop and said I'd have it e-mailed out by the evening. She tried getting Replacement to beat me up and take my stuff but I just stepped onto the railcar with exact change and they couldn't come after me with no cash and stuck my head out the window and just laughed and laughed at how I'm so much smarter than they are that I'm in another world.

And I lived happily ever after. Well, no, not really. But it's been a long time since I had a lucid dream so maybe this is the start of something good. Or the start of a really dull and boring chapter in my life as I try to live vicariously through my dreams.

So, yes, I also have a new laptop. I promised myself that after I got myself a tech job I was going to get a computer. But I wasn't planning on a laptop. I'd sworn off them... pricey without a whole lot of power, difficult to get connected with cable dongles and fruity touchpads and the such. But I did see one I liked. It's a purely superfluous kind of notebook computer. It has a Pentium-M 1.6GHz, combination DVD writer (+/-/RW/RAM), CD writer (R/RW) drive, IEEE 1394, integrated 802.11g, integrated LAN, video-out and VGA out, 60 GB of space, 512 MB of DDR2 memory in one slot, empty second slot... and a fruity touchpad. I got a NICE price for it AND there's about $275 in rebates coming back... in 8 weeks.
I absolutely don't NEED it, and, with the exception of the dual-display thing and the DVD writer it isn't that much faster than my current tower (although it IS). I probably could have put together a very respectable new tower with what I paid for it. But something drew me to this. It is handy, after all. Maybe it's because my tech job wasn't in my target city. But I've also been laptop-less for a year or so after I sold it to my dad.

In any case, it's far too late for me to be up. And now is when I decide to rip and encode a bunch of DVDs for my trip. I'm yelling at myself right now. Right now.

 

[Yonphi]

Adventures in the Distance

If you like train wrecks, I've got some wrecked trains for you.

So, I'm on vacation. La-lee-la vacation. Completely uneventful. I'm the same kind of ninja I always am. By ninja, it's a description for my tendancy to blend into the masonry and not stand out. I've got a conflicted personality in this sense, because there's that instinct AND the attention-whore instinct that, honestly, hasn't been coaxed out in a while.

But I did make a friend today for a while. She's a dog. No, I'm not being a jerk, she really is a dog. A "woof-woof" four-on-the-floor floppy-tailed brown dog. I don't know her name, she doesn't have a collar. But I guess it's the human's job to name the earth's creatures so Jambalaya it is.
I was just wandering about Little Tokyo and here's this dog that was following me for no reason whatsoever. I didn't smell like food (I smelled more like burning, it's hot out here but not nearly as humid so I'm not sweating as much as I ought to be). Everywhere I walked I was followed. I sat, and I was approached for a more formal hello.
This reminded me of Nose Ring Girl. She had a theory that "[I'm] a big hit with grandmas, children, and animals." The only teachers in high school that seemed to like me were the really old ones. Not all the old ones, the old ones with pictures of their grandchildren up on the cork strip above the blackboard over to the edges (there were two). Children, because when I volunteered as a teacher's assistant for a kindergarden class, recess ended up with me playing "crawling monster" and chasing a bunch of laughing kids around. (I don't particularly like children, but I had a job to do.) And, animals, well, a get a lot of "[my pet] doesn't like anyone but they seem to like you." Nose Ring Girl's theory concluded with the derivation that, ultimately, despite my faults and failings, I have a good soul and only those who are innocent (children) or very wise (grandmas) or very can-smell-a-bad-apple-a-mile-away-able (animals).
Ultimately I had to go somewhere to eat because I was hungry, so I had to leave Jambalaya. They didn't wait for my return.

On the more human side, I feel like an outsider here too. I figured I'll be ok and I'm doing just that: being ok. But I wish I had a guide of some kind while I'm here to help me be my best. I like the idea of being independant, but the reality is, as sad as it may be, that I'm rather dependant on others after all. I'm still a shy boy after all. Then again, it doesn't help that people around here just seem to try their hardest not to make eye contact with me. I was going to go down to the hotel bar today, but I decided against it for some reason.
I did, however, take a trip to the Spa and got myself a massage. It's been SO LONG since I've been touched in any way shape or form. It felt really good. Really really good. You really don't know how much I missed it because I've forgotten how much I like being touched. I'm considering another but it was pretty expensive.
The worst part was when it was over. 1) She stopped. 2) I'd have to pay soon. 3) I'd have to get up and it would be rather obvious what my body thought of the experience. I'm 24 now, aren't these hardons supposed to be less frequent? Or is that a function of sexual experience and not age?

Tomorrow I'm going to be Mr. Tourist and mark every spot on this little map. It would have been fun if I brought a few flags (kind of like those "WARNING: Buried Cable" flags) and stick them in every spot I've been to. But I didn't, so I'll just mark them on the map with a pen. I'm terribly underdressed around here, which makes things a little worse. I've got my standard travel fare: jeans and shorts and sneakers and array of t-shirts. But I should have brought some nice slacks and shirts and shoes. I had dinner last night and I knew the only reason why they didn't kick me out for the way I was dressed was because they must have had the clairvoyance to know I'd be willing to spend $12 for a little sliver of fish and a quarter cup of julianned mushrooms. Small portion, yes, but I gotta tell you it was melt-in-my-mouth delicious.

Well, the week is still young.

 

[Yonphi]

The Things Lonely People Do

I need to appologize to the environmentalists out there. I've been wasting water. Well, not so much wasting it as I've been using a lot. Increased consumption. I'm drinking more than I usually do (which says a lot), in the form of ice from the ice machine. It's always been a tradition for me to fill the ice bucket with ice at least every day. But since yesterday the ice bucket I pick up every hour on the hour if I happen to be in my room. I pour out the melted ice that I havn't gotten around to chewing on, and then go out and get some more. Why?

Well, yesterday night (after an event), while filling the bucket, I walked by my next-door-neighbor (here in the hotel) and she smiled at me and said hello. I returned the hello and scrambled in my head for something to say, and nice ice breaker did not arrive in time. "In time?" See, I can't just stop or start walking backwards to think of something to say. I have then and there, maybe 5 steps, to decide the fate of the universe. Yes, yes, I really ought to train in improv, I know. Well, hey, I don't rub YOUR failures in your face, do I? Ok, big deal. Walking back I ran across her again and she said hello with a cute asian laugh. This time I was clever, not so much thanks to me but because my brain kept working after the first golden moment passed. "That's two. One more time and it's destiny."

I'm trying to force destiny, you could say. There is nothing wrong with clawing for a chunk of cliff while you're plummeting, there's also nothing wrong with taking your briefcase and planting it under your feet in an effort to jump off of it.

Speaking of which, that is theoretically possible. But you would have to jump with tremendous force to overcome the downward accelleration of gravity and to slow your fall to something you can handle. Possible for mortal man to do? Well, I don't know. I did say theoretically, not practically.

So far I havn't run into Ice Girl. I havn't given up though. This is just a little pathetic, isn't it? I know it is: please don't answer that unless you intend to deny instead of confirm.

So I glazed over something, didn't I? Event. Went to the hotel bar, which is also a karaoke bar. Hooray for drunken karaoke. Hooray for bar staff nice enough to point out the english songs in the directory to me (which were like 12 pages near the back of the book of maybe phone-book sized proportions). Why, yes, yes I did. It was enjoyable. And, why, yes, yes there were. One in particular: she trumped my "Bad Command or Filename" t-shirt with one of her own: "Quit your bitching and start a revolution." Why, yes you're right. But it's ok, I think she was taken.

I did drink more than I ever have before, though. I've never drunk enough to get sick, and I didn't this time and, from what I could tell, I wasn't close. And I remember everything so it wasn't out there. So much for letting go of all inhibitions. But one must know their limits before they can excede them, right?

So far, though, this trip has been all about food. Hanging around in Little Tokyo and staying in a Japanese hotel have done a number to my finances. Traditional foods all over the place. And I don't mean sushi. I mean bowls of ramen served in a bowl large enough to hold punch at a party, and getting made fun of for trying to eat it with chopsticks as I've seen in anime. I mean some kind of cabbage-laden pancake batter (or batter-laden cabbage salad) fried up and covered in a variety of sauces and something best described as "fish-flakes", not what fish eat, but what you get when you dry a fish and crumble it up I reckon. Sodas that don't have a cap to unscrew and instead have some kind of marble that needs to be plunged down into the bottle (there's a little constriction that keeps the marble from falling to the bottom so it makes a jingle-jangle as you try to drink.

So, you could say there's ups and downs so far. The ups outweigh the downs. So far, I am pleased.

 

[Yonphi]

Friend or Victim?

Sometimes, I gotta wonder. I gotta wonder why I do the things I do and not do the things I don't. There are two ways to see what transpired and who ways it could have been handled and I chose one.

So I've commented before on Groovy Girl and NPP and the kind of fights they have. There's an air of disrespect instead of just abuse of Groovy. Her sense of self is coming "of age" and she's sticking up for herself. I'm glad. I'd like to think I'm helping her do that by being her friend but, feh, she most certainly didn't learn assertiveness from me that's for sure. This thing kind of kept building and building over a few weeks. I've never really brought attention to it since they are their own relationship and I don't know the true nature of it. Maybe it's acceptable for him to belittle her interests and maybe it's ok for her to molest him in public.

Yeah, there have been times I wanted to punch NPP and tell him not to dismiss his girlfriend. It's not ALL his fault, she seems to be getting tired of his shenanigans and fighting back and being mean. I don't question or draw attention to it. I'm polite enough to not get involved. While the two are together, at least.

Recently, very recently, I get a sudden phone call from Groovy Girl. This surprises me, I had given her my number long ago but she's never called me herself, any phone has been first through NPP and then her. She wanted me to pick her up and take the long way home from school. And I got a call not too long after from NPP, asking if I had heard from her, worried. And then a call from Groovy Girl's mom making sure the drama isn't causing an inconvenience because she could just pick her up herself. Drama? Yes, drama. They were fighting. She's pissed, and he's worried.

Personally, I think he was worried that this time she wouldn't come back. And she? Something happened that broke the camel's back. He finally took her for granted one too many times, disrespected her interests one too many times.

"My heart was beating very fast going to her night school" is what should be here. But it isn't. Simply because it wasn't. "Should I be a friend or be a vulture?" But that question didn't come up. For some reason I was really relaxed. Calm, composed, stuff like that. I don't know why: maybe because my dinner released some endorphins.

I met up with her just inside the school. The bloodmobile was there and she is frightened of needles so begged me to walk with her to not get accosted by the attendant. We hugged she held my hand. As it went limp to let her do what she will with it, she intertwined her fingers and, once set, we both squeezed tightly. This would have driven me crazy normally but for some reason it didn't. It felt nice, and secure, and nice to know that I was in some kind of care matrix. But it didn't seize control of my brain.

This is good. Very very good. Not so much because of what was going on, but because I wasn't being a damned dork about it. We got in my car and drove off very very slowly.

And I was the friend. Here I am, alone with a young girl in my vehicle in the middle of night. Everyone aware we're going to take the long way home so that we can talk. She was fed up with him. I don't know if I could have turned things to my favor, but I didn't try. She told me stories of the verbal abuse from NPP and I felt really badly. I pulled over at least once and ran my fingers through her hair slowly and compassionately. She closed her eyes and hummed lightly... I think she liked it.

I could tell, however, that she loved NPP. I can't do anything about that, and that's as far as it went. Everyone was telling her that enough was enough and this was time to dump him. I told her that if she loves him and feels that he is not being the boyfriend she wants him to be then it's up to her to make it what she wants. It's up to her to let him know that she won't put up with it. I wasn't a complete shlub, though, I told her that it may just be that they're not meant for each other and that she'll have to decide if there is better grass on the other side and the only way is to take a trip. But I did ultimately tell her to give it a chance and make him work as much as she is.

By the end of the night, we hugged a lot and she kissed me on the cheek a number of times and thanked me for the encouragement. And her mom thanked me for being a shoulder for her to cry on, and she complained to me about what she didn't like about NPP. She told me that this was his first relationship so of course he doesn't know how to treat Groovy Girl. I felt a little offended by that, but I figure that people are people and everyone's got their own style.

The next day I learned that everything is back to normal. I hung out with the two of them today and everything is the way it used to be, for better or worse. He seems dismissive of her opinions and doesn't take her interests seriously. She doesn't seem happy anything more than she's happy they're not fighting it out, but I didn't get a chance to get her alone and really find out.

Now I wonder if I did the right thing for her AND myself. Opportunity only knocks once, right?

But the important thing is that I didn't take any time in all this to play the meta-game. I just did. I was myself. And that's important. It doesn't matter the result so long as the path taken is my own. And, you know what? That's good. I've based my moral code as ok so long as it doesn't trample on the rights of others and that I follow rules that I determine are important on my own terms, not because they are just rules.

She's a fairly interesting person. I really hope NPP doesn't break her.

 

[Yonphi]

First Time Checklist

(AARG! I can't get rid of the icon next to the title. I don't like them, and I don't want to use them. It makes me want to chop off my thumbs.)

So what did I do today? I went to a strip club. Yes, Random Twitch. No, it isn't an attempt to pull a Clubfootmidget, although I wouldn't be completely opposed to the notion (just as I wouldn't be opposed to meeting a nice church-going girl).

I pass this building daily on my way home. It's not the only place of its kind, but there's something about this building. It looks old, like it's been there for 80 years or something. No bars on the windows, no overtly sexual name. If it weren't for the signature slutty-purple neon around the sign, one would think it's just a bar.

Have to say it was very interesting. I honestly don't see how one of my coworkers loves these type of joints. Sure it's sexy, sure it's neat being able to see this stuff in real life (pictures and video do not have that real factor). Here's the executive summary. Dark, Metal Pole, High Heels, Laser Light, Eurodance, Shaved, Bored Look On Her Face, Overpriced Liquor, I Don't Know How To Tip. An interesting distraction, but there are more fun ways to spend $20. Then again, it's arguable that $20 isn't enough to really get the full experience. I didn't get a lap dance, although I wasn't offerred. I didn't persue it, I figured that I was there to be a customer and not have to play hit-on-girl for a while.
I was really nervous going in. I didn't know what to do or where to sit or what to look at. I felt a little uncomfortable, actually. But after a few minutes I loosened up a bit. I felt about as uncomfortable as I feel when I go to see a movie alone, or go to a restauraunt alone, or do other "couple/group" things alone. For some reason, I couldn't help but think about Student while I was there. I felt it would have been nice if she was there to talk with, despite she probably wouldn't be caught dead in one unless they killed her and THEN dragged her in.

But enough of that, in a little twist of fate, Miss No Show from a few weeks ago and I have been talking again. While flake-moments happen (they just do), I sort of expect major appologies and contact soon thereafter IF we don't have a recourse. I can forgive, say, Plat not being able to make a chat date appointment with me and not say anything until a week later because we already have confianca (plus I would have been on the computer anyway). I made a special trip for a real date and was stood up.

But, I'll come right out and say it. One is very forgiving when one is lonely. I am lonely, so I am forgiven.

I shouldn't say lonely with a blanket statement of "lonely." I've been spending a lot of time with Groovy and NPP doing all sorts of geeky things. Well, I always told you I wanted to get into D&D, you know, pay homage to the roots of RPGs. So this is a good moment. One really bothering thing, though. NPP plays skillfully and is a good player, but he seems extremely disinterested in it. I asked him privately if he wanted to play and he said yes and it was fun, but he was intentionally being a fun-dampener on Groovy's parade to avoid her from "getting too hyper". I got mad at that. There's still a lot of just plain mean feelings in there.

She'll learn. The question is who will teach her?

But I've been communicating with Miss No Show, too. I'm eager to meet her and see what happens. I still get a lot of sob stories about her rotten boyfriend. She says we'll meet soon. I guess she's learned. And part of that willing to forgive is there.

See, I've got a list of things I want to do in my life. Some are more easily acheived than others, but here's a subsample:

o) I want to do it out in the wild, with the sun shining brightly.
o) And in the rain. And overcast. And under the moon. And under the stars.

It's not all about sex. It's just been far too long. Back to the list.

o) Write a book. Non-fiction. One that will be a source of computer knowledge and almost guru-like recommendations. Kind of like "Breaking Through the BIOS Barrier" by Adrian Wong.
o) Create something beautiful.
o) Destroy something beautiful. Not necessarily one in the same... but I need to know what it's like to take something away.
o) Skinnydip.
o) Get a Godfather style ring.
o) Have my face shaved with an old style blade by a barber.

 

[Yonphi]

Shit or Get Off the Pot

This stopped being cute about the 2nd time around. I exert all this energy bringing things indoors that are normally outdoors (and tend to stay outdoors, the only security feature is that they weigh a metric fuckton), wait in line for half an hour gassing up my car under the impression I won't be able to get fuel for two weeks (which still will mean I'll have to siphon the rest of the gas I need after 3 days of going to and from work) only to sit at home in the darkness waiting to have the home I live in pelted with trees and boulders and cars to just get a windy rainy night without so much as a cat looking at me strangely.

At least my shutters have been up since the last time.

Yeah, it's good and all that I've been spared. But folks up north have been hit twice in a month. That's pretty harsh. Take me! No, not really, I'd rather it fly out to sea and stay there. And I'm here waiting for this crescendo of the violence of nature and instead I flinch from the windup.

I can't stand exerting effort towards something and my efforts be wasted. I get it a lot as you know, and I am fully aware of new situations that cause that to happen. And I hate them more than the fruitless situations I am currently engaged in simply because I'm already used to the current ones.

And another storm to screw up a weekend. I wanted to get some RPGing in yesterday, but I flaked out in the interest of waking up early and seeing if I can "disappear" so I don't get woken up to help prepare for the worst. I got the first part right (flaking) but the second half didn't work. Know how I said my shutters are still up? The lack of incoming sunlight into my sleeping area has made a mess of my natural sleep powers.

At least now I'm bitching about this storm instead of bitching about the usual. But I still want to go on a date. And I want this hypothetical date to go well.

 

[Yonphi]

Misalignment

Today is my parent's anniversary. They're still together after many many years. I know that in today's world it's hard to believe, but for some reason it doesn't seem like a sham. It is perfectly conceivable to me that a couple can spend 27 years together. And I can't help to think that this sort of thing is likely to be outside my reach.
Then again, it's a grass is greener kind of thing. My father is always happiest when my mother just leaves him alone, not with chores, not with things to do or large items to buy. And, my mother? She doesn't have any hobbies. And anything she does on a regular basis she complains about.

So I spoke with NPP today. Yeah, we're all alive. He tells me all this stuff so I figured I'd let the cat out of the bag the other way. I told him a lot of stuff. Really talked this guy's ear off. He doesn't know about here, though. And I finally got a little explanation. Turns out he and I aren't that different after all insofar as our pasts go.
"Why do you think I'm into young girls? At our age we're misaligned."
He went on to explain what this misalignment is. I'll take that and throw my spin on things and present the following essay.

We don't have a lot of experience in things. The fact that we've have any at all is a mystery better solved in generations to come. We are in our mid-20's. We should be thinking about our first marriages, and somewhere between 19 and 23 we're supposed to be in our first marriage. We're children, aged children. We're going to have a hard time about things.

And he gave an interesting light on things. "We'll be back into the to-and-fro when our ages are between 26-30, you know, that seven year itch thing." I didn't tell him Nature's age. How'd he do that?

Together we predicted a life of very few distantly-spaced short-lived highly-pleasurable relationships. And he said he didn't want a part of that. If he had to get someone impressionable obsessed over him in an unhealthy manner to avoid a dull life he'd do it. And did. I really got mad at him and told him.

The next explanation was about Groovy Girl. He's already in too deep. He does care about her, and he would be upset if she left him. But he knows she won't. And when she becomes smart enough to leave him, he will be sad.

Good for the record, I guess. But he made it sound so deliberate. Can't I, by complete accident, be with someone who is enchanted by me? Can't I be truly enchanted by someone else and thereby complete the cycle? The answer is no. I can't.

I don't find myself in places where girls are. Strike that: I don't find myself in places where available girls are. Nope, scratch again. I don't find myself in places where available girls at or over the age of 18 are. Last revision, I promise. I don't find myself in places where available girls at or over the age of 18 who want to be found are.

Then again, I can't go out much. Long hours and long commutes leave me at a loss for free time. I mean, you all see it. From daily posts to 2 times a week. Let along e-mailing anyone. Then again, anytime I went out it was deliberate. I'm not a party boy, so there goes party girls (and perhaps loose ones included). Even more low tempo parties I am just very uncomfortable around a group of strangers and I would say I need to know about 70% before I really feel settled. I don't know how well I hide it: probably not well at all.

Now that I think about it, what are the symptoms for social anxiety disorder again?

So, yeah, if I were to blame my job for having little to no social life, I would say I'm married to my work. But, you know what? At the slightest lead of a programming job (NOT tech support) I'll jump ship faster than anyone's business. I'm not traitorous, it's just that this Friday I know I'm going to be disappointed and not put on a coding team.

I wonder if I'll be disappointed when I'm not disappointed. You know, disappointed they didn't try harder to fuck me over.

 

[Yonphi]

Squeaky Wheel

Once upon a time, I thought there was no escape. I wished for a time when I would extend branches of communication and friendliness (sure, olive branches, if you will), and they would be received well. I would smile at someone and I would get a smile back, not a look of "who is this smiling idiot?"
I still wish for that.

I work with someone. He's just as underpaid and outwardly qualified as I am. I wouldn't say overqualified, because it implies my job could be done easily. It *could* be done easily, but nobody bothered to make it that way. Aren't tech support people supposed to have that choose-your-adventure style of book to find out what the problem is and not have to wing it all the time?

There's something you can tell about someone who has "WWJD" and "The Fish" on bumperstickers on the back of his car. That they were willing to buy that accidentally-obtained Game Boy off of me. I'll call him Christian Fundamentalist Gangsta Rappa. CFGR.

So he's telling me about this girl. I'll throw up some more letters on something already convoluted to produce CFGRFG. The aforementioned fangirl. He mentioned that he just started talking to her online and he's "groovin'" on her in about 5 days. He wasn't looking for anyone and finds someone local to him online and stays up late watching a movie with her online (meaning both having copies, both pressing play at the same time, and going on the phone together). Yerang, indeed.

It's funny how "normal" people are able to so easily just drift into and out of interpersonal relationships. I was accused of not being a people person. Accusation is right on the money, unfortunately. But I really can't do anything to change that. Really, truely, madly, deeply.

And with that I wonder if I'm easy to be around. Maybe I'm just a flub. Maybe demonstrating just how clever texture mapping algorithms are isn't anyone['s] (sane's) cup of tea. Maybe I can't make anything beautiful. It wouldn't be too much of a shock.

After all, we can't all be desirable. If everyone was, there'd be no benefit to being desirable. Like breathing air. We all can breathe air so it's no big deal to breathe it. Now, if a select few could breathe water, that'd be a big deal. Unless, of course, we all could breathe water. Follow?

I guess I yam what I yam. It's funny, though, that a year ago I was afraid I'd never get any, and today I'm afraid I'll never get any again. I must be greedy, huh? Still, though, I've never been quite as content with my lot in life as I was when I had my limbs entangled with another in peaceful slumber.

Groovy Girl has agreed to give me a tarot reading. If there's something I've wanted very desparately it's a hint in the future. Some little thing of hope. I'm feeling very isolationist and it's no good at all. But I'm in no mood for new people.

The only people I'm allowed to meet at this point need to be people who can see that I'm a worthwhile person to be around. Regardless of whether that assertion is true or not.

 

[Yonphi]

Apathy Prayer

I wish I didn't care.

It's such a pain sometimes, realising that I mind being alone. Don't get me wrong, I need a healthy dose of "me" time to stay normal. And by "me" time I don't mean soft music, candles, and a bottle of lube. I mean time in which I can be productive in a way I feel is useful. Sorting a directory, burning off a few discs, clearing up space, a little coding, a little system design, a little flash stuff, a little video editing stuff, posting things on ebay to get sold off. Yah, I tried the non-ebay route nearly a year ago and got 0 results so I figured that'd be better. So far I've already sold something. Within minutes of posting. Oops, maybe the Buy It Now price was a little to low. Ah well.

But too much gives me cabin fever. I didn't always get like that but it seems over the last two years I've been eager to get out of here. Maybe it's because I'm living with my family instead of on my own (where I belong). I make useless trips across the house for no reason. I went to my poor old laptop and installed the .NET framework on it for no other purpose than it was there in Windows Update. My dad will never use it or need it. But, damnit, he's got it. I've drunk 6 refilled bottles of water today (that's 120 fl. oz., or 15 glasses). But that's ok because I taking constant trips to the bathroom is ok.

It doesn't make me want to be clean, that's for sure. I save laundry for the last minute because I don't want to be bored with it. I guess I want to use my mind for stuff and nothing mechanical.

The same with work. I get to use some judgement, but most of the time it's mechanical. I'm so beyond what I'm doing it's embarassing. I knew the "programmer" position was bullshit when I began, but it's still disappointing when I realize I'm right. You could say I've got a bit of technical support cabin fever.

So I got a ticket maybe 90 days ago. My first ticket. I paid what the thing said to pay... I can't fight it knowing that troopers have cameras in their cars now. Besides, court should be reserved for those who really are innocent.
Then I get a nasty letter in the mail. I'm short 22 bucks, and then the new amount due was over $45. WTF indeed. After no fewer than half a dozen phone calls to the clerks' office getting hung up on and argued with, I decided to cave and just pay it. After the 4th call I went home smirking like a smug little shit and opened up the explorer window that has all my scans of important documents (I normally use it for rebates) and... it was missing. Maybe I kept a hard copy somewhere? Nope. Well, fuck.
They purposely design the tickets so that you need to send the pamplet with your payment. So now I have no evidence of what I was told to pay. In that nasty letter they said they are not responsible if my license ends up suspended. So, is my license suspended or what? Just come out and say it so I can kill you all.
After paying nearly $250 already, I figured $45 is a drop in the bucket so I paid it. It's funny, that if I were rich (or well connected) I'd have my lawyer fix it so I wouldn't have to pay that much. But justice is expensive in the good ol' U.S. of A. OJ goes free while I don't know if I'm driving illegally or not.

My insurance rates didn't go up, like the law states. But I did a stupid thing. When I moved back with my parents, I cancelled my old policy and went under my father so that I could save money with my new car. I saved maybe $20 a month. Now if I want to go on my own for insurance again, I'll have to pay $100 more than I do now per month. Nice to know for the next 3 years I'm going to have to pay out of my ass for auto insurance. Fuck you, donut-breath speed-trap scumbag, I hope your children are all deformed. Speeding through a school zone hitting a kid? Ok, throw the book at me, cut off my nuts and feed them to the pedobear. But I was alone on a 4 lane highway, you zealot.

By my count, this will cost me a total of $3900 in insurance premiums + fines. And... I wish I didn't care. People get tickets all the time. People get caught friggin' DUI several times and are no worse for the wear. How do they do it? They don't care. They've got the gift of apathy.

Friday a coworker was having a batchelor party. He didn't invite me to the wedding, or the party, but one of his guests invited Christian Fundamentalist and myself. He declined, stating strippers weren't his thing. I declined, stating if I was wanted the victim have invited me to the wedding therefore entitling me to go. "Anti-Social Bastard," I was called.

Wondering why I'm anti-social isn't too long a task. I don't get much out of it more than disappointment. It sounds harsh, "what I get out of it," but it's true. People get out of it a good time and bonding and stuff like that. I get feelings of exclusion and the suspicion that people are just being nice to me instead of genuinely enjoying my company. I don't want that.

I wish I didn't care about it. The gift of apathy escapes me. If I didn't care I would be like, "feh, whatever, I'll crash anything that needs crashing." I'd go and be embarassing and overstay my welcome and be quite alright. I'd be fearless going up to a woman and maybe I'll get lucky, maybe not. But either way I wouldn't care.

How I pray for at least some kind of apathy in my life. I'm not sure if caring about things like this leads to my self-centeredness, or the other way around. But something's got to give.

Hopefully.

 

[Yonphi]

New Moon Coming Soon

NPP tells me an Other Girl (one in which nothing really happened) was looking for me yesterday.

He didn't give her my number because he didn't have permission from me.

Dear NPP:
Rule #1 is: if a girl asks for my number... GIVE IT TO HER! Etch it in blood on tanned human flesh and glue it to her phone. Heat up a poker and brand it onto the back of her hand. Summon meteo, grab a flaming ball of cosmic power, take a Sharpie out of your pocket and WELD my number to it.
Thank you.

I'm not sure if NPP and I are friends or enemies, though. It's really funny how our interpersonal relations towards each other are like that. I guess that's what male friendships are about.

She is designated Shorty, since she is short and I really don't know her that well. Ah well, first impressions are impressions for a reason. (PS. She's of legal age.) I called her, left a message, and that's that.

Feh, she's probably just looking for me to teach her how pipeline caching works or why SATA is faster than EIDE when it has fewer cables.

But I'm not going to think that. I'm going to fill my mind with joyous things and try not to fret about it and instead let my eyes sparkle with the possibility that I'm not a monster after all. And that's always a plus.

So here goes... filling mind... with niceness...

--twitch--

You spin me inside outside
You know you hold me so tight
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

So kiss me in the moonlight
You know it always feels right
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

You're on my mind every day you are with me
And every night, boy, you're dancing by me
We dance united together we are one
I'll take you there, baby, come home with me

Ahhhhh...

You spin me inside outside
You know you hold me so tight
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

So kiss me in the moonlight
You know it always feels right
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

I'm in love with your voice and your laughter
And just one smile always makes me believe
Our destiny curious if you are mine
Oh won't you tell me that we're meant to be?

Ahhhhh...

You spin me inside outside
You know you hold me so tight
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

So kiss me in the moonlight
You know it always feels right
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé
Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé
Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé
Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé

When you dance with me, boy
I know you feel my equal
When you dance with me, boy
I know you feel my equal

Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé
Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé
Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé
Mambo Maboleo, Mambo Mambolé

Ahhhhh...

You spin me inside outside
You know you hold me so tight
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

So kiss me in the moonlight
You know it always feels right
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

You spin me inside outside
You know you hold me so tight
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

So kiss me in the moonlight
You know it always feels right
We'll dance and party all night
Mambo Mambolé

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la

:: "Elissa -- Mamboleo"

 

[Yonphi]

Twitch to end all Twitches

Sometimes I think my litle Random Twitches are in competition to see who can outdo the other. Oh, well, I see your strip club venture and raise you a...

So Shorty ran into me today. She was looking for me, and it was based on something I said. Are you insinuating that something I said has a resounding effect on people? I like that conclusion. She took me outside of Local Arcade to give me the news. I couldn't help but feel REALLY nervous. I mean, shit, something that can't be said with the loud blaring of a jukebox and noise of games? What's this? Is she going to confess something to me?

Maybe she'd kill me. Kill-or-be-killed against a 5 foot girl. That'd be interesting, to say the least. I should produce Pay-Per-View.

Turns out I was lamenting about my programming job "opportunity" wasn't real and how I'm going to be stuck in tech support with the company I'm with, with no room to grow, forever. And how I *could* move out with my current pay but I'd have to give up a lot.

And that's how it started. I was proposed for a business... erm, proposition. She needs a roommate.

And I'm going to do it.

"...raise you a roommate."
"Ah, crap." Folds.
"I'm not touching that." Folds.
"I call, and I fold." Folds.

I'm not dumb, though. This offer does not imply that she likes me. Maybe 6 years ago I would of thought that. Today I'd like to think I'm smarter than that.

Either that or she's totally into me and I'm too dumb to figure it out.

You know, one or the other. Fatalistic. That's the only way I work.

Honestly, I think it'll be good for me. Lots of adventures can arise from that. Kind of like Real World except less drinking.

I was considering posting here a question asking whether I should or not. But I said, nah, how much fun is it jumping into a pool of water of unknown depth and temperature when you see a bunch of people in there enjoying themselves already?

For better or worse...

 

[Yonphi]

Celebration of 40K

This journal has been temporarily distracted to bring you this important announcement.

Which File Extension are You?

I've never taken a "What _______ are you?" quiz before and had such a joyous result. Mambo mambolé.

 

[Yonphi]

Surprises Left and Right

Things, it would seem, are going well for me right now. The "phantom" programming job isn't so etherial after all and considerably more substantial. Any day now I'll be proving my worth and belong to the Inner Circle. Rar!

Even though with the way things are looking I will be able to go out on my own without any major decrease in disposable income, I did agree to room with Shorty. If I hadn't agreed so soon then I wouldn't feel I need to. Damn me and my dutiful honor. Turns out she is an ex-fiancee. I didn't pry too much into it, as I felt it would be intrusive. But, yep, when I really started to get to know her she had a ring on her finger. Which, as Nature would say with a smile, makes her my type. But, honestly, I didn't notice that a few weeks ago the ring had been missing. I didn't even recall this little factoid when she brought up the while thing.

The next surprise came from our first find-apartment meeting. We'd always just met up in Local Arcade, this is really the first time of hanging out alone together. We learned many things about each other. She's really into computer art and animation and all I could think about is how fortunate this could turn out since while I dream of making games, I can't draw very well, and any semblance of technical visual quality is based on what I know about the human eye and a sense of taste and art direction and color/image balance and compressability. I remember the most fun I had with this was playing with my C-64, which displayed the screen through a TV. I exploited the fact that noise on the analog signal going to the TV can't switch very precisely so I made sprites with 50% gradients and it looked like it was transparent.

Plus she's clever. It's interesting how when you're cooped up with someone for 5 hours you find stuff out that you hadn't known for a year. She caught even the most subtle of jokes and even doled a few out herself. We were listening to a CD and there was false LP noise on the track and we had a discussion about how the noise sounded like a loop. I suggested that the noise is perhaps due to scratches from the center to the outer edge which is why they are regular and periodic. Then she suggested that if that was the case, then the loop would speed up over time as the needle approached the inner parts of the spiral. And we pondered whether the musician decided to take that into effect.

I know how this sounds. Well aware. Chill out for a sec, won't you?

And there were the little things. I'm very sensitive to touch, mind you, so each one is like a huge placard on the wall in my memory. Probably from not being hugged or petted or anything as a child. I was wearing a t-shirt that was given to me. And I don't usually wear gift tshirts, except that I happen to think this one is funny. "If YOU don't talk to your CAT about catnip, who will?" She poked the small picture of a mouse on the front and from that point on I seemed to notice the text on my shirt was paid a little more attention to than normal for the rest of the day. Go figure. Plus a hug, and she playfully flicked my hair while I was driving with her hand on my headrest. Stance of which (arm extended like so) I feel is not exactly trivial.

No, seriously, I'm going to need you to chill out. I'll explain more in a bit.

When the hunt was over, we returned to Local Arcade and her ex was there. I'm not really close with him but I did get more of the evil eye than usual, which at first I thought was for the shirt but then I started thinking.

And then I gave myself a lobotomy. Thinking? There will be none of that, you hear? But for those who need a thinkin' or two, here are some counterpoints to the above.

1) She knew me before she started going out with her ex-fiancee, hence if she was interested she would have dropped hints. Then again, I'm notoriously bad at picking up on that sort of thing. Point cancelled out.
2) There are easier ways to get closer to me than to express a need to live with me as a roommate. But then again, she trusts me not to rape her and to be an honorable roomy and sees value in me. I like feeling valuable. Point cancelled out.
3) She thinks that Groovy Girl is really into me. Somehow we got into a conversation about marriage and settling down and I said I didn't see myself married anytime soon, and how I had made a bet with Play a year ago that I wouldn't be married in 10 years time. Not really giving a shit about it, I gave her the executive summary of the hijinx she and I had and said she never pictured me as a player. So far so bad, right? After all, that's a very negative connotation, isn't it (especially since I don't get the obvious benefits of being a player). BUT she then asked me when the last serious relationship I was in. I was about to mention Nature and then she picked out "longer than 6 months" as a filter. I was saved from my having to chose between the truth and The Lie (remember it?) by my phone and NPP calling. Asking me about my prior relationships? Point cancelled out.
4) Roommates as some kind of sexual adventure is the type of thing that only happens in movies, porn, and perhaps some coed dorms. Ignoring the fact that #1 kind of cancels out, I figured any kind of move would be bad. And I decided that I won't... I'm ok with adventure but I don't want to live in an uncomfortable situation for a year. But that was before I found out she's a smart little tack. Then again, what if she's thinking the same thing? Point... inconclusive.

But I am not going to be nutty about this. Not to say I wouldn't be pleased if she and I were to discover each other. I always did complain that people I am attracted to don't live near me. And I was very close to asking her out to see some improv, except I found out she had other plans so I didn't ask (I'll get to use those two-fers yet). I figure if she wants me, she knows where to find me. And sometimes familiarity breeds... well... breeding. But I doubt it in this case.

Because I'm negative. It's easier than getting hopes up and doing something stupid.

I'm going to blush right now about this, but I think part of the fun is the wonder. I tend to think in strategy-game terms, always trying to figure out other people's next moves. So when I encounter an inconclusive thing (particually about something so relevant to me) I tend to grasp onto it. And, strangely enough, I like that uncertainty. It's rather attractive to this logical dash, kind of like the prince attracted to the peasant girl, or the professor attracted to his "imperfect" robot creation.

Speaking of the bet between Play and I, nullified with the termination of our friendship, she contacted me yesterday. She said she was worried about me. I'll admit I was really rude to her. I asked who she was (since she was using a new handle: Sir[Replacement]sGoddess. Not exactly a good way to start begging for forgiveness). And used a picture of herself, obviously cropped from a two-person picture. I found it very humorous that the attempt to make me jealous is going to be played as something innocent and unintentional. I was nothing but mean to her, too. I've got a nasty streak in me. I thought of, typed, and (perhaps thankfully) didn't send her messages such as "How is your new best friend?" and, perhaps even worse, "Ever consider suicide? Well, maybe you should." I really don't know where that comes from. Perhaps I have a pipeline to the Devil and His evil to draw from as I have a pipeline to God and Her wonder.
She was supposed to be my female wingman in California. To keep a look out for girls with scowls on their faces at her when she's with me, so she can tip me off. The last lead I had about someone who made a nasty face at my date didn't lead anywhere (since I havn't seen her since, and is, as such, unnamed).
I did tell her I don't trust her, and I doubted that she was worried. I told her she wants my friendship in any remote sense, have someone to confide in -- someone to care about her -- she's going to have to earn my trust. And even then, things will never be the same. Apparantly that was a heavy handed thing to do because she said she doesn't have to prove herself to anyone.
Rock on, have a nice life.
I did, however, just got my first death threat from her husband. I guess I figured she or Replacement would have spilled the beans from the first days of fighting, so I forgot I still have that cloud hanging above my head. Great, now I have to beg and plead with my parents not to tell ANYONE no matter who they are my new address. And I know for a fact I can't trust them to follow my directions.
Hmmm... don't know how admissible in court threatening e-mails are, but I am keeping a printout with my "So I'm Dead" letter, just so people can be made aware. If you're going to kill me don't expect to get off scott-free. I hope you get herpes while picking up the soap, guy.

But aside from that, NPP, Groovy Girl, and I finished our first D&D adventure: "The Sunless Citadel." In a nasty turn of events, the first characters they rolled fell in battle. It was over, so I decided to keep it going by letting my character escape. On return, the original characters were missing. If you're familiar with the adventure, you'll know there are NPCs that are controlled through some mystical thing (I hate spoiling it) and their old characters became NPCs that added much to the challenge. I loved the feeling of pulling it off as DM. THIS is why I need to make games for a living, to deliver good games. Although I hated having to separate my character's knowledge from mine. I did it pretty well, but I would have liked to just sit back and enjoy it.

And just when I thought my journal was hitting a wall, it sounds like it's going to get exciting. Makes me feel like my life will become exciting, too.

 

[Yonphi]

Grab the Popped Corn topped with Toxic Sludge

Today's fun method for popping bubble-wrap:

1. Lay it on the floor.
2. Tape down the edges.
3. Bring a desk chair and put it on top.
4. Sit on it (Potsie, har har har). Embrace the joy of hearing a few pops. Like an appetizer, if you will.
5. Roll around and hear the systematic linear-algebraec way they pop.
6. (optional) Masturbate in some kind of orgy of bubble-paper-popping bloodlust.

There were TWO professors I really really liked. Most of my post-secondary education is filled with boars who taught a subject they didn't particularly like. For example, the statistician that taught Visual Basic .NET, the database engineer that taught Theory of Algorithms, etc.

There were more than two that did a good job, though. My Data Structures professor always pleased me with the way he was so damned RIGOROUS about everything. I love proofs and logic and stuff and this teaching style, which you could tell was difficult by just how many people dropped the first week. I totally ate it up. I learned a great deal in that class... not so much in data structures (I pretty much imagined and implemented and used all the structures on my own... some with my own wacked out names).

Anyway, one of my well liked professors was an englishman who was a long time computer dude. He's worked in university computers for a long time (as in, have tea inside the CPU). And he had a bunch of really great and really interesting stories to share.

But today I've got one. About my first programming assignment. And how I sent no less than 2500 emails to myself. Two Thousand Five Hundred. Twenty-Five Hundred. One innocent and unsuspecting e-mail box. Quite humbling. After the spam protection kicked in, it stopped after the first thousand. I'm still getting e-mails streaming in.

Awesome. Smiles abounds. While not a dream job (dream job = GAME programmer), I still think I'm going to enjoy this.

Shorty and I found a place, too. The place found is very significant, but first something about her.

So I know a bunch of people in couples. Not by intent, but by just the way it isht. Groovy, Plat, Shorty, Student. And all, at some point in time, have always shared their malcontent with their mates. Shorty broke up with hers and I'll admit that caused some concern. While I have no problem being a rebound-boy (and lord knows how lonely I've been feeling for the caress of someone kind), and I wouldn't be opposed to such a convenience as my last post illustrated, I was concerned that I would not pick up hints because I would isolate myself from the possibility of fun and maybe cause a little friction through my inattentiveness.

But they're back together. No more marriage plans, but together. Which seems a little backwards to me. It's like a demotion. Play has contacted me again and is emailing like she [still] knows me. I don't take kindly to demotions: we WERE close and now we're not. There is no redemption. At least not for her. Am I being too mean? Should I forgive and forget? Turn the other cheek? I really don't know. Then again I don't want to be toyed with again so it's probably best for me to stay mean.

Today ex-partner at work told me that his ex girlfriend wants him back badly. I told him he should ask for the ring that he gave her that she kept back as a symbol of good faith and then betray her. I love my evil sense of humor: the desire to take a picture of a black woman and show it to my racist parents as if she's my girlfriend, for one. Telling customers from the tech-support side that yes, the company that sold it to them is a bunch of snakes and crooks and, no, it will take much longer than 10 lifetimes to make the money they spent back. Wanting to put pencil shavings into little baggies and sell them as pot. Pouring $240 worth of instant pudding mix into a water fountain. Creating a "Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego now?" game and make it so that Carmen Sandiego is literally impossible to catch. My mind is clearly capable of humorous evil of mischief. He called me a heartless bastard. I'm glad I was kidding. But with Play I genuinely feel hatred towards her. I do NOT like that. It's funny to kid around about it, but I don't really want to put my hands in that. And the sooner she's out of my life, so is the hatred.

Anywho, the last time she was with him and then I stole her away to look at this place she seemed so, well, drained. Like it pained her to be around him. I didn't figure that out right at that moment: I thought she was annoyed that she was ending up looking for a place with the likes of ME instead of him as a fiancee. But she warmed up quick and was very energetic and the works, so my anxiety was unfounded. Anytime I asked anything that involved him (such as: "Is he ok with you living with me?") she went back into a drained state with sighing and "blah".

Isn't the point of being in a relationship to revel in something nice? That's the way I saw it while I was in it.

Tell you what, though, I'm learning a lot. I'm really very glad I'm me and I'm not the kind of guy that kills the souls of others, like NPP and Shorty's boyfriend.

But, the fun part is about the place we found. This is great: it is literally one neighborhood away from where I used to live while I was in school.

Today at the supermarket there was this van in the fire lane. The street in front of the market was narrow enough, clogged enough, and this guy was just strolling around to his car to do who knows what. Doors wide open, being obnoxious. I found parking and started walking towards it. Now he's moseyed around to getting the car out of the way (after clogging the way literally for 10 minutes while I cruised the lot) by pulling into a handicapped space. His wife got out of the van, and so did he. He slammed his door and yelled out to her to not slam her door and she did. The vehicle was on, and he just locked the keys inside the car. Parked in a handicapped space. By the time I left the supermarket, a police officer had just pulled up.

Things that go around don't tend to come around on their own, but it's interesting when they do. It's like I'm going back in time to get a second chance on a part of my life I was really unhappy in.

Mmm.. second chances. The sequel prodding open plot holes from an original movie without any. Kind of like Matrix Reloaded.

Except with less Keanu. As Ted would say- "Excellent!"

 

[Yonphi]

Casualty

On the warfront, there is a cease fire. Not so much a truce, but neither side seems to want to make any advances on the land held by the opponent.

I'm speaking of my war. And it is a war, don't get me wrong. While the details are nearly forgotten thanks to my short-lived relishing of peace, I remember taking a shelling from puberty onwards. Even barring ego (therefore eliminating embarassment) there were still lots of dashed hopes, empty feelings, and a lot of laying down looking up at the ceiling and wondering when it would end.

But the enemy isn't after me. No one is out to ruin my life. Except Play's husband, but that's to be expected. But that won't be much of a problem soon with the pending move. I just have to figure out a way to make sure my parents don't tell Play where I live. I'll say, "Mom, Dad, as you know Play and I are no longer friends. Please don't tell her where I live, especially if she asks." And then the next day "Hi, it's me, _______. How's ____ doing? Really? He moved out? I want to send him a gift: what's his address?" and I am entirely confident they would tell her anyway.

So if the enemy isn't after me, what has it done? Just stand in the way of what I want. True peace. Contentment.

Right now I can't really bitch about not getting any. Well, I can, but it'd be unjustified. I'm just not exerting any effort. Why? I'm not sure. I think it's just that I don't have the energy to fight right now. People seem to be able to drift into relationships but for some reason I have an inability to do so. I want someone to take interest in me so I could use that as fuel to take interest in someone else.

I guess I'm just fearful that if I start really trying like I did a year ago I would continue to fail, making early this year a fluke. A cosmic anomaly. At least this way I don't confirm it.

Primarily, I get along with women better than men. At work I find being friendly a difficult thing to be, male to female ratio being so very high. I just don't feel comfortable. But then again it could be that I'm just not used to it. I did work for nearly 5 years with an even higher female to male ratio.

Aside from that, I wonder why, if I allow myself to get close to women, do I have so amazingly little casual sex? Shall I count? No, let's not and say we did. There has to be a reason for it... right?

The only conclusion I've come up with in about a week of thinking about it is that I'm just not sexy enough for it. I don't inspire burning loins. How do I feel about it? Irrelevant: it is what it is and it isn't something up for change. Irrelevant or not, it sucks, and I wish it weren't that way.

"What do you mean that's not up for change?"

See, there's a reason why so many celebrities are "sexy". Because they are the idle rich. They work and get tremendous amounts of money which allows them the freedom to not work 5 days a week 52 weeks a year. In that freedom, and with the money to back it up, you could afford to spend hours each day on getting fit, staying fit, personal trainers, things like that. The rest of us have things to do.

In my case, even when the things to do are done, I'd still rather play Advance Wars than play "50 sit ups." It's a matter of priority, and I know I don't have the drive or the will to do it. See, even if I looked hot on the outside, if that's STILL not enough then I'll really have nowhere to turn to an excuse.

Well, no, this isn't about point elsewhere for fault. Either way I'm pointing at myself. The point is what aspect of myself I'm faulting.

Originally my intent to lose weight was prompted because I did not like how I looked, and that was because I saw myself in all my largeness in a mirror. It took me maybe 9 months to get to a fit state. Since then I've maintained for about a year but recently I've gained. Approx 10% of my total weight, but more than I'd like. Not so much because looking in the mirror is scary (it's about the same), but because I'm not quite as agile with as much stamina that I used to have playing Dance Dance Revolution. So I'm working on that. I don't think dropping the extra weight is going to make me have any more luck with ladies.

But I wonder. And I lay down staring up at the ceiling and wonder. I don't mind experimenting to prove or disprove theories, but I can only take so much in the way of casualties before I get to a point where any move I make towards my goal will kill my last brave bone in my body.

 

[Yonphi]

Conquistador

So I'm approved. This is an exert from my conversation with my brother.

"So, who is she? What are her numbers?" - Him
"I don't know... I didn't ask."
"What?"
"Well, she's 5'1"."
"How old is she?"
"20."
"Is there any romantic interest?"

--pause--

My brother and I DO NOT talk about this sort of thing. Ever. I've never
spoken a word about women or sex or love or "checking out the babes" or whatever normal guys do.

--unpause--

"Nope.... she's too young," I spit out.

--pause--

BLATANT LIE because age is just a number. The real answer is "Nope... because I don't want to become the creepy roommate or something." Truth is, if she wants me, she'll know where to get me and that's good enough for me. I walk into that with no expectations of that sort of fun.

--unpause--

At this point my brother's girlfriend is protesting. He turns to her and says, "Well, if I'm spending more time at _____'s place than here, you'll know."
"She's taken, buddy," I said.
"That's never stopped me before," he smiles.
"You're thinking like a conquistador again."