Therapy: Dawn of a New Era

[Curtisimo!]

Confused. I guess that's the best way to describe myself. Confused about life, confused about women, confused about myself. That's why I'm embarking on a new journey into therapy tomorrow. Everything confuses me so much that I am finally (on the advice of friends) going to speak to a professional.

I don't even know why I'm starting this thread. I guess to keep a journal of my therapy sessions. That's probably something (keeping journal) the therapist will suggest to do.

I don't even know if what I write on these threads will be coherent or intelligible or if anyone will read them or even care. Kind of like the Voyager spacecraft. NASA don't know if someone or something will eventually come across it or if something does come across it, even care if they do. But they sent out Voyager to attempt contact and I guess that's what tomorrow's initial therapy session is: my Voyager spacecraft. My attempt at contact and much like Voyager...with whom or what... I have no idea. Confusion, depression, anxiety. Which problem do I talk about 1st?? Which problem is greater?? Depends on the day. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea what sort of issues, problems, inner demons are gonna come crawling out from the dark corners in my head. But, I guess it's these things along with some answers for these things that I'm looking for.

I'm nervous & I'm scared but I guess that's why I'm going to therapy in the 1st place. Isn't it?

 

[Curtisimo!]

Session 1

The initial "getting to know you" session wasn't bad. It felt good to say some things that normally may be uncomfortable to say around even your closest friends or family. I probably even babbled a little too much as the therapist said that we ran over our alotted time.

There were no stereotypical (or at least my stereotypes of therapy) crying sessions or breakthroughs or anything like that. It was only the 1st session & I wasn't expecting any.

Hell, even the therapist said that even though it was only the 1st meeting that it sounded like I knew what my problems & causes of them were it's just that a lot of times I don't know how to deal with them properly & that leads to my anxiety & frustration. Again, it's only the initial session so we haven't even gotten to the iceberg much less the tip of the iceberg.

As I was sitting at work the yesterday, I decided that I'll probably turn this thread into day-to-day ramblings or rants or even an actual journal or diary type thread. I mean that seems to be the prevailing theme in a lot of these threads & I'm all for that don't get me wrong. If nothing else it'll be for my amusement & as a good friend of mine & I are fond of saying "We don't need an audience, we're 'self-entertaining' "

So along with stuff that'll comeout of my therapy sessions, I'll also 'self-entertain' myself as well. How's that for a coping skill, Ms. Therapist??

 

[Curtisimo!]

Where's Your Costume?

:tsk:

Yesterday was Halloween. I was only home after work for about an hour before I left to go to Baton Rouge (I live in New Orleans) to see a friend of mine's band play. We only got one group of trick-or-treaters at the house while I was there but they didn't have on costumes. It was just a couple of kids about 9 years old (I'm guessing) & their mothers. All they had was a plastic bag with candy in it. My cousin whom I live with said that there were bunches of kids earlier that did the same thing- not wear a Halloween costume.

Now, I'm not trying to pe a pisser & maybe I'm just too cynical & they are just kids but what is that about? Not wearing a costume. I understand that these kids may be poor & can not afford a costume but where's some ingenuity, creativity, the spirit of the holiday? I mean come on, at least put a sheet on & go as a ghost or wear a sports jersey that a lot of them are fond of wearing & go as an athlete. But to stand there with nothing but a t-shirt & jeans ticked me off. I know it's wrong & it's actually pretty stupid that this would aggravate me but it did.

My point is this, and it's not even really a point more of a rant or joke or whatever but, if you're not going to wear a costume, why even wait for Halloween? Start trick-or-treating a few days early & trick or treat everyday until after Halloween! Like I said, I don't even know why this irked me & it's really stupid that it does but it did irk me. Maybe it's just redirected frustration of something about me or what I believe or something that bothered me at work & came out as getting aggravated at kids with no costumes.
Maybe it was because I was pissed all week because the vending machine at work wasn't restocked with Gardetto's snack mix. I know that's dumb but I'm practically addicted to that stuff during the work week.

Then again, I'm usually the schmuck at a Halloween party who doesn't dress up. So maybe I'm the idiot. Although last night I did tell someone "I dressed up as the asshole who never dresses up for Halloween." A real stretch I know but I usually don't do anything on Halloween & last night was last minute & I wasn't going to do anything so I hadn't planned to buy a costume. But much like me picking on these kids to put in effort to make a costume, maybe I should've taken my own advice. :wishy:

So who's the jerk(s)? The kids or me? As with many things in life it's probably some combination. Maybe it's them, maybe it's me, maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. Maybe no one even cares, maybe everyone cares. All I do know is that next Halloween, I'm definitely dressing up in a costume.

CURTISIMO!

 

[Curtisimo!]

Session 2 & The Weekend

Well, so far there's nothing I've learned in therapy I hadn't thought of before or didn't know. Again, it's only the initial couple of meetings so I'm not expecting any big breakthroughs. BUT sometimes when you hear these same things you've thought said by someone else. Somehow you understand them better. Why is that? Does it have something to do with your own biases or living in some sort of personal denial?

The thing is this- I have social anxiety. To the point where it is virtually paralyzing sometimes. However, what I'm learning is that like with most things, it's all how you perceive yourself & what you think of yourself that matters & what people respond to not what other people think of you. That's still hard to learn & even harder to implement.

I have a bad habit of labeling people or stereotyping people. Not necessarily in a bad or condescending way but everyone or most people, I tend to label something, be it consciously or subconsciously. By doing this, my therapist says that I put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to dating b/c I have already mapped out these patterns in my mind of what I want from a female that I'm attracted to or whatever & when they don't fit I get frustrated which leads to me not wanting to try again for awhile. Or I guess a better way to put this is I get attracted to someone & when they don't feel the same I get all angry with myself when it's probably my fault for investing too much into feelings that aren't really there. This then leads to me feeling worse & worse about myself & then I take that out on people instead of giving people their own chance individually.

I have no idea if this is making sense or not...

So I was given an assignment by my therapist that for the weekend & the upcoming week to talk to as many people as possible. Not necessarily conversations mind you but even if it's just a "hi" or "good morning," talk to as many people as possible.

The weekend...

Friday night Tool played Baton Rouge & I being a huge Tool fan went to the show. Simply incredible. They are just an incredible band & are on such a different plane it's not even funny. They're off the heezy as the kids are saying nowadays.

In the midst of the concert, I think it was during Tool's playing of "H." that what my therapist said dawns on me: When I label people or have this stereotype that I create in my mind, I limit not only who each individual that I'm interacting is with but I limit who I am. By labeling someone "hot" or "cool" or "annoying" or whatever, I'm placing them (& me) in a box. This box then dictates how I interact with this person instead of treating each oppurtunity or each individual situation on it's own merits. I limit the infinite impossibilties that are open to me. I limit me, I limit the other person, I limit everything with these walls of stereotypes that my mind creates.

"And as the walls come down and as I look in your eyes my fear begins to fade recalling all of the times I have died and will die. It's all right. I don't mind"

Here's to hoping the walls of my mind come down & the old me dies & will die each time I interact with someone. Every day a blank page with infinite possibilities...

As for the assignment, I think it went quite well considering. Not perfect but well. I talked to a bunch of people who I didn't really know or even knew & even chatted it up with this very attractive bartender saturday evening & was only remotely but not noticebly nervous like normal. Of course the assingment may have been skewed b/c of the euphoria created by lots of alcohol, a Tool concert & the miracle win by LSU but a good start is a good start.

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I feel better. Partly b/c of the good weekend & partly b/c FOR ONCE I was the one who ate the last bag of Gardetto's snack mix from the vending machine at work.