The Show Must Go On... Mustn't It?

[MrMedia]

All Is Sunshine and Roses

Maybe not, but I'm tired of giving a shit.

I'm talking with my co-host this morning and he tells me it looks like we won't be continuing the show past January after all. I should be upset, but I'm not. Honestly, I'm not. At least I know it's coming. I can plan ahead. I can start looking for another second job now, rather than have it hit me as a surprise.

There's a chance they'll want to bring me back in September, but I think I've already decided to say no. There's no job security, there's too much instability in the industry, and quite frankly, the job stress is just not worth it.

I don't mind working a second job. In fact, I'm used to it by now. I think it might actually be fun to work at a Barnes and Noble a couple of nights a week.

Of course, that would be fun. When I'm cleaning up shit that's spilled on Aisle 5 in Wal-Mart.... THAT won't be so much fun.

Ah well, I'll deal with it when it gets here.

 

[MrMedia]

You say slinky... I say slutty.

My wife calls last night from the mall.

"I bought some slinky lingerie," she says.

"Oh really?" I reply. "You'll have to show me when you get home."

Visions of teddies and thongs dance through my head for the next half hour. She arrives home and closes the bedroom door.

"Wanna see?" she purrs.

I nod yes.

She pulls out a silky black camisole. Good start.

"This is the top," she says.

She then pulls out a pair of black silk PANTS. As in ankle length PANTS.

"This is the bottom," she says.

Then she pulls out this long sleeve, button to the neck Chairman Mao shirt, only made out of black lace.

"And this goes over the camisole," she finishes.

I am stunned. She can tell I didn't get what I expected.

"It's comfy," she tells me.

"It's PAJAMAS," I reply. In no way shape or form is this lingerie.

She thinks I'm disappointed. I tell her I'm not, but that in future, she should refrain from telling me she bought lingerie when in fact she bought fancy p.j.'s.

She says I want her to buy slutty lingerie. I tell her I would prefer the term sexy. She asks why the p.j.'s aren't sexy.

"Any sort of bedroom attire for females that involves pants cannot be sexy. Period, end of story."

I still stand by that statement. Sensual, maybe. Comfortable, you bet. But sexy??? I don't see it.

Ladies, take this advice. When you're buying yourself lingerie, you're not really buying YOURSELF lingerie. You're buying lingerie for you to wear for your man (or woman, or partners, or whatever). Dress like a trollop. We'll appreciate it.

 

[MrMedia]

I Need Sex!!

Okay, so I don't need sex, but I do need your help to fulfill a fantasy.

I've always wanted to be an advice columnist. Not really a Dear Abby type.. more of a Dan Savage type (he writes a sex column for those of you unaware).

That's why I'm asking those of you who need advice to either send me a PM or an email at mrmedia74@yahoo.com. Replies will be somewhat prompt, completely lucid, and of course, chock full of sensible advice.

Please, feel free to get freaky with your questions. Frankly, I need the readers that controversy would bring.

 

[MrMedia]

Advice #1

All right, we've received our first question. All entries will remain anonymous, by the way, unless you specifically ask me to release your name.

I got blown off for a second date because she had the flu. She called me to go to breakfast the next morning to make up for the broken plans, but she was still sick and sniffly. After breakfast she suggested that we go to my place and watch a movie. We cuddled up and relaxed, but I didn't put the moves on her out of respect for her condition. She seemed unhappy when we parted. Did I fuck up

It depends. First off, have you asked her out again? If you did, and her response was non-committal, then I'd say you've banged the poodle, at least from her perspective. As I guy, I said you did just fine, and here's why.

She was sick. She was contagious. Now, she might be hot to trot, but that doesn't mean you don't want to come down with whatever laid her out the day before.

Some women (and men for that matter) don't see it this way. They're selfish. She's wondering why the hell you're not trying to get in her pants, and you're wondering if she's going to throw up on your couch. That's not a thought that turns a lot of people on.

Here's what I would do. Call her up, email her, whatever... ask how she's feeling. That's the first priority. Establish she's feeling better. When she says she is, ask her if she wants to do something at some point in the future, and if you feel comfortable doing so, drop in a comment like "but don't expect me to be quite as chivalrous now that you're feeling fine."

That tells her WHY you weren't playing hide the sausage without you having to say "hey, by the way, I hope you weren't upset about me not making a move on you."

If it's not in your personality to make a comment like that, I'd still ask how she's feeling, ask her out again, and just be honest. "I want you to know, I really wanted to kiss/nibble on your neck/orally pleasure you the other morning, but I thought it had better wait until you felt better. I hope you don't think I was brushing you off."

I prefer the subtle approach. After all, this WAS supposed to be a second date. Honesty is a pretty good policy, but some things are better left unsaid.

All right... who's next?

 

[MrMedia]

Advice #2

Okay, second letter received, about to dispense some valuable advice.

which is better for fucking (which is hotter) - red fishnets with ankle strap whore shoes or a black corset and garters.

I'm sure it's a matter of preference, but as for me, I HATE red lingerie. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It always looks cheap (not slutty, we're talking poorly made) to me.

Corsets are hot, although they can be a pain in the ass if you want to actually undo them before getting down to business. Garters are DEFINITELY hot. They frame a girl's ass so deliciously... it always makes me want to spent lots of time caressing, stroking, and otherwise worshiping those lovely cheeks.

If you want to further increase stimulation, I'd suggest a pair of sheer black panties with a matching bra. Yes, I know, thongs are all the rage, but there's something mysterious and sexy seeing the object of desire hidden beneath a gauzy fabric, instead of out there in the open.

Of course, a see through thong might work equally as well, if not better.

The more I consider this, the more I think I really need a helpful visual. If you would be so kind as to take a picture of yourself in both a thong and see through panties, then email them to me, I can be sure to help you determine the perfect garments for seduction.

 

[MrMedia]

Still Waiting...

Either I suck at giving advice, or most of you don't want/need advice, or I only have two readers.

I'm not sure what answer I'd like to be true.

Regardless, I'm still taking queries about topics of a sexual nature. You can PM me with a question, email me at mrmedia74@yahoo.com or just shout in the general direction of the midwest. If you're nearby, I might hear you.

My co-host told me that he's quitting the show as of next Wednesday. Rats leaving the sinking ship, I guess... but I'm determined to stick it out as long as I can, then never do radio again as long as I live.

I'll still do the fill in work, because that's an easy 25 bucks an hour. But I don't ever want to have to depend on radio for a steady paycheck.

Anyway, keep those emails and PM's coming. I'm an attention whore, and I really like giving advice. I guarantee anonymity, and the freakier the better.

 

[MrMedia]

I guess I should write a real entry in here while I'm waiting for those dozens of PMs and emails that are sure to be streaming in the mailbox soon...

I started writing earlier this week. I'm ATTEMPTING a novel, but not sure if it'll turn into that. I've got about 13 pages written, which is about 10 more than I usually get through, and I feel like this story might actually be compelling enough for me to finish it.

I'm listening to Paul Simon's Greatest Hits right now. What an amazing songwriter. I know some of the music he wrote sounds dated now, but the lyrics... oh the lyrics. I'd give up several body parts to be able to write as well as he can (could).

Which begs the question... why do songwriters begin to suck as they get older? Does anybody listen to the latest Rolling Stones album? The latest Paul McCartney? The latest Paul Simon? Nobody that I know does.

In a way it makes me sad. One day They Might Be Giants will put out an album that isn't as good as their other stuff. One day Ben Folds will produce an album that's a shade of his former stuff.

One day I'll be unable to write a good song to save my life.



See, this is why I need those questions: to distract me from life.

 

[MrMedia]

Melancholy, Baby.

Melancholy, that's me.

I hate it when this happens. Everything will be lovely for such a long time, then out of nowhere... BLAM! Sadness. There's no reason to be sad. In less than an hour I'll be home, with people who love me. I'll get three hours of peace before I have to head to sleep. I'll be able to relax for a bit.. but it doesn't matter.

jonas and ezekiel here me now, steady now and don't come out. i'm not ready for the dead to show it's face. who's turn is it anyway?

yep, I'm listening to the Indigo Girls. What else would you expect from a lesbian trapped in a man's body?

I was lurking around on Open Diary today, reading people that I used to talk with frequently. Their lives aren't going well. Some of them are, I guess, but others.... not so well.

I have a love/hate relationship with OD. I've met some wonderful people on there, people that I stayed in contact with for over a year, but it also caused me a lot of heartache.

It started when I found stumbled on the diary that my wife was writing with her lover.

Oh, she says they were never "lovers". She says they only met once. She says nothing happened in their one meeting. But she lied so much about other things regarding him that I don't believe her.

We'd been married just over a year at the time. She lost her job and was home all day. She had gained weight and said she felt unattractive. She said my compliments towards her didn't mean anything because I was "obligated" to say those things to her.

I found out late one night when I was surfing the web. I read the diary from front to back. I was trembling with anger when I finished. I loved my wife so fucking much that I was physically ill with what was going on.

The flowers that her dad had sent her for no reason... they were from him. Her favorite movie that arrived in the mail... she didn't order it. HE did.

I confronted her. She denied it. I showed her the diary. She wept. I did too.

I got his phone number. I called him. Threatened to drive to Austin and put my fist through his rib cage. I would have too. I asked him if he was ready to support two stepchildren if I divorced my wife. He was 21 at the time, working tech support at Dell. He was NOT ready, he said.

"Should have thought about that before you decided to fuck with my marriage, asshole," I shouted.

I was mad. I was mad at him, mad at her, mad at the world.

We didn't get divorced. We didn't even get counseling. We just went about our world.

Most of the time I'm all right with it... but every now and then, I'll Google search his name. If I ever find out where he lives... I still might pay him a visit.

Hmmm... this went from melancholy to pissed off. THAT's not good. I have to go home and try and not bring this anger with me.

Easier said than done.

I fucking hate you Trevor.

 

[MrMedia]

Another Day...

Big news is afoot, but I can't say anything right now. As soon as it can be made public, I'll tell all three of you, I promise.

So I get home last night and get online. I was still feeling the residual pissed off-edness from my last entry, so I did a Google search on the guy's name.

It took me all of 45 seconds to find out where he's working these days. He's still in Austin, but no longer working for Dell. He's now at some company that manufacturers traffic signals. He's also trying to start a Dungeons and Dragons group there in Austin. I don't know why I find that so amusing.

Anyway, I feel better. He's got a boring job, he's playing D&D. Meanwhile, I've got an interesting job, a wife and kids, good friends who won't let me play D&D (although I admit to ocassionally thinking it would be fun), and a lot of other things going for me.

Maybe there's no reason to want to rip out his testicles and stuff them down his throat.

 

[MrMedia]

Advice #3

I have a girlfriend I am utterly in love with. Unfortunately I am married to a man who I care deeply about. I have known the woman about 5 years, love and admire her. We only tried sex once, and it was good, we both felt it would be wrong to pursue a lesbian romance, since we are both still strongly attracted to men.

We have successfully kept a friendship. She was the mistress of honor at my wedding to my second husband two years ago. I love her more than any person I have ever known, except my children.

To further complicate this whole matter, I divorced my first husband when he came out of the closet and admitted he was gay, and only used me to be his "front". I divorced him because he was a liar, not because he was gay. He was not loyal to me, and had numerous infidelities during our marriage, all with men. I felt it would be wrong to put my children through another parent being gay. I don't think I'm gay, as I really like sex with a man, but I am really very much in love with this woman.

I believe in the continuum of sexuality, as in very few people are wholly gay or wholly straight, and I choose to live a heterosexual life, and keep my love and affection alive with this woman as my best friend. I still have sexual dreams about her, and would bed her in a minute if I weren't married currently. I am torn sometimes, about whether I did the right thing, in subordinating the feelings in my heart to the pragmatic thoughts in my head, as I did when I chose to marry a man again.

What do you think about my situation?

Boy, this is a doozy. Okay, keep in mind, the opinions that will soon spout forth are MINE alone, and they're only opinions.

It sounds to me like you aren't in love with your husband, but you ARE in love with this other person. Forget the sex of the person you're in love with for a moment, and just think of it in terms of people.

You're in love with someone who's not your husband. Is it worth giving up what you have right now to be with someone else? And would this woman get into a long term relationship with you right away? Would that even be a good thing?

As someone who used to go from one relationship to the next, I have to tell you, it's not the easiest thing to do. I came to the conclusion that you need time alone after every relationship, either to decompress and sort out your feelings or to relish being alone. If you decide to leave your husband, I strongly suggest a few months of alone time before starting a relationship with this woman.

You also have to consider your kids. I don't think having a mom with a girlfriend would mess with their heads as much as having yet another parental figure in their lives. I'm a big believer in doing whatever you can to make sure your kids have the best childhood possible, so this is a biggie for me.

Of course, there's one obvious solution. Have you talked with your husband about your feelings? Maybe an open relationship is a possiblity?

I dated a woman who was bisexual once. Okay, actually I've dated more than one, but for the sake of this advice, let's stick with this woman, who'll we'll call Sarah. Sarah was bi, but was not involved with anyone when we started dating. Eventually we were seriously involved with one another. She started talking with a woman whom she found attractive, and approached me about the possibility of her having a relationship with both of us (seperately).

I told her that I didn't feel comfortable with that. What I suggested was that all three of us hang out, get to know one another, and as time went on, I might be more comfortable with the two of them going off and doing things as a couple.

In my case, the three of us DID have a sexual relationship. It worked out well, to a point. I still was very jealous, but I think had we taken things more slowly it would have been easier on me.

I'm not really satisfied with this answer, so I may revisit it later today, but I'll kind of sum up with this.

You have to take care of yourself first, your kids a close second, and your husband third. If you can be happy in your marriage, while wondering "what if" every now and then, I'd say stay married. I think we ALL wonder "what if" every now and then. If you're going to suffer massive depression because you can't be with this woman, then you're not doing anyone any favors.

I wish you the best... and as I said, I might revisit this topic when I've had more time to think about it.

 

[MrMedia]

The Show is Over... Long Live The Show!

As of 9 a.m. this morning, I am no longer hosting a sports talk show in a Top 50 radio market.

As of December 6th, I will no longer be producing documentaries for the local PBS affiliate.

That's because as of 6 a.m. tomorrow, I am hosting a morning drive time news/talk show in a Top 50 radio market. This job will allow me to work just eight hours a day for the first time in almost a year. Yee-haw!

I'm excited. Of course I am. I'm 28 years old, and I've just been handed the keys to a shiny new show. It's mine to shape and mold, bend and twist. And there will be twists. This is NOT going to be some stodgy old show. This will be FUN, dammit!

Anyway, I'm really busy today at work, but I just had to write something in here. I know all three of you reading will be happy for me.

BTW: Gypsy, it's been a week and a half with no email. I'm not gonna drive ten or twelve hours to get a hi from you, am I?

 

[MrMedia]

Day One

The first show rocked. Rocked hard. I am a veritable GOD of talk.

Okay, maybe it wasn't that good, but it was close. We didn't have a single call asking where the old host was... we loaded the phone lines with callers several times (which hadn't been done in close to a year, according to the producer).. I hit all my out times (times to go to a commerical, VERY important in commercial radio).

There were a couple of things I will do differently. I was too serious. I have to find time to be lighter. There was a great story about a sex shop owner in Alabama who "came to Jesus", threw out all his vibrators, butt plugs, and nipple clamps (I actually typed clams... THAT would be a weird sex toy. Nipple clams. Odd.) to sell bibles from the same location.

Imagine going into "Love World" to buy your new Anal Intruder 3000 and walking smack into a "Jesus Loves You" sign. The very thought makes me smile.

I'm off tomorrow for Thanksgiving, then pulling a double shift on Friday. blah. Actually, it won't be too bad. I'm having FUN.

 

[MrMedia]

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

I finally bought my wife a diamond ring.

We were married five years ago this past August. When we got married, I was working in a job that paid $6.50 an hour, and I was lucky to afford a simple white gold band.

Now I'm doing better, so yesterday I picked out a band with a half carat worth of diamonds in a platinum band that she'll get on Christmas. It's far from ostentatious, but it IS pretty. And it sparkles.

A lot.

The shows are going well (all two of them). I'm having fun, we're lightening the mood a little bit in the morning. Friday morning I spent about an hour making fun of the "What Would Jesus Drive" idiots that say God doesn't approve of SUV's. As if Jesus would drive a Ford Focus or something.

Let's think about this a minute. How many apostles did Jesus have? 12, right? So he'd need something with three rows of seats. I'd go with a big passenger van, but he also traveled to some pretty out of the way spots, so he'd need something with 4 wheel drive. I'm thinking he'd go with a Chevy (like a Rock, remember?) Trailblazer EXT. He'd probably actually get two. He'd drive one, Judas would drive the other. The environMENTALS would have us believe he and the twelve apostles would be a gang of Segway drivers, tootling down the interstate at 25 miles an hour.

I don't think so.

 

[MrMedia]

Not That There's Anything Wrong With It...

I interviewed a homosexual man on the radio today. Considering the number of complaints the station received, you would have thought I had sex with a poodle live on the air.

The homosexual man is the writer and one of the performers of "Tails from the Closet: a something or other blah blah blah of the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgendered lifestyle." I was interviewing him about his show.

I realize I do my show in the bible belt. That's why the first question I asked was "You do realize where you live, right?"

My second question was "You do realize this is a fairly conservative state, right?"

I didn't get into the sketches about battling sperm, or the lesbian coming out party, or anything else. It was as tame as petting a kitten.

But the calls came in. All from old ladies.

"I can't believe you. This is disgusting."

"How dare you put this filth on the air."

"I wish you'd just go away."

You know what, old ladies? Homosexuals are here, and they're not going away anytime soon. They were around when you were demure little girls, and they'll be around after your granddaughters are dried up prunes like yourself.

Homosexuals, while engaging in many sexual practices that make me queasy, are not demons. They're not evil. They're not out to eat your children (unless they're of consenting age).

Nothing pisses me off more than bigotry. My kids are bi-racial, and I have had to deal with some racial bullshit before. I understand hatred of the gay lifestyle a little more than I understand hatred of someone's skin color... but I still think it's utterly fucking ridiculous to despise someone because of what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom.

"But they have sex in public parks." Then despise them because they're exhibitionistic perverts, not because they're gay.

"But they're adopting babies!" Oh yeah, I'd MUCH rather have Meth-Mom over there raising her 9 kids with a succession of inbred boyfriends than have Steve and Paul raise a few kids in their middle class home.

"But what they do is a sin!" And Jesus said let he who is without sin cast the first stone. :angel:

I'm not going to quit talking to gay folk. I'm also not going to have a trashy talk show. This isn't Jerry Springer, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be Jerry Falwell either.

 

[MrMedia]

New York State of Mind

Some days I feel like such a loser for not living in New York.
Most of the folk on here are New Yorkers... just as they are mostly improv performers. I don't feel like a loser for not being in improv. Hosting a radio show for three hours a day IS improv.

I lived outside of New York for a couple of years. My dad still lives in Paramus. It's been about seven years since I've been to visit him in New Jersey, but I'm itching to see him. I flew up to Boston last October when all of us kids got together for his 75th birthday. I love Boston, would love to move back... but it's not New York.

Last time I was in New York I:

-saw The Caulfields and The Connells at Irving Plaza. I was living in Arkansas at the time and I showed my drivers license to David Connell. Told him I drove from Arkansas to see the show. He asked me to hang out with some of the guys afterwards, but I begged off. I've never wanted to be a band leech, I just wanted these guys to think that they were so good someone would drive 1500 miles to see them. They WERE that good, actually.

-was asked for directions from tourists no less than 5 times. THIS made me feel good. I fit in, but in a friendly way. Plus, I knew the answers to their questions. That made me feel great.

-was given a Late Night With Conan O'Brien t-shirt from a lady in the audience who said "Don't ever let anyone tell you New Yorkers aren't friendly, motherfucker." I said thank you. I couldn't buy a t-shirt because I

-spent all my money at a genuine Times Square strip joint. I don't even remember the girl's name... I just remember she wore a white petticoat with nothing on underneath and she smelled like cotton candy.

I bought my first Chaim Potok book in New York. My first REM bootleg. My copy of Murray Attaway's "In Thrall" cd. I saw an honest to goodness "Lotion" sticker in the Village.

By the way, I've asked this question before. Do any of you New Yorkers know about a band named "Honeycomb" made up of a couple of the former Lotion guys? Any information would be greatly appreciated.

I like New York. I don't think I could ever live there.... but damn I miss it sometimes.

 

[MrMedia]

Sick as a dog

I have an acute sinus infection. I am sniffling and sneezing, coughing and wheezing. And of course, there's no way I can take any time off work.

Work is going well. I hung up on a caller who talked about shooting a "fag" today. I called him a jackass as well. I will now be known as the most liberal talk show host in America.

We think my wife might be pregnant. I bought the home test today.

Am I a bad person for hoping she's not? I love my son... as well as my stepchildren, but we REALLY can't afford another child.

Ack. Ack Ack Ack. Where's a good Bill the Cat smilie when you need one?

:exp: