The Pre-Apocalypse Journal

["Mad" Dan]

Now that George W Bush has been re-elected, it is pretty clear that the end of the world is rapidly approaching. It may be the one of the largest indications but it is not the first, nor will it be the last. So while Satan slowly rubs his hands together and whispers "It's all falling into place", I thought I would start a journal to document the Signs*, until that day in the not-to-distant future when those four horsemen ride across the sky and the seas boil and the moon turns to blood.

So let's get started!

• Red Sox Win The World Series

Aside from Bush's victory, the clearest evidence of Armageddon is that the Boston Red Sox finally reversed the curse and won the World Series. The only question now is whether God will not obliterate us for one more year and allow the Chicago Cubs to achieve the same feat. The answer to that question is no. Because while the Sox where cursed, the Cubbies just suck.

• 59 Year Old Great-Grandmother Set To Give Birth To Twins

Here's a story about a 59 year old woman who had her tubes tied, and yet she is pregnant with twins. And, I think the most disturbing part of this story is that she is 59 and has six great-grandchildren! Really, it's kind of a toss up though.

• Locusts Swarm Egypt

Locust are swarming through Cairo at what are being called "biblical levels". The locusts are pink, which has led Jerry Falwell to denounce them as "a part of the gay agenda." Falwell then chuckled and slowly shook his head saying "Sometimes even I can't believe the crazy-ass shit that comes out of my mouth."

• Pope Fears Bush Is The Anti-Christ

"George W Bush's blood lust, his repeated commitment to Christian beliefs and his constant references to 'evil doers,' in the eyes of many devout Catholic leaders, bear all the hallmarks of the one warned about in the Book of Revelations--The Anti-Christ." Also, during their last epic battle the Pope overhead Satan mutter that his son is "a fucking moron."

Notes to Self:

• Rent the movie "Left Behind" starring Kirk Cameron again. But this time, don't get high and watch it for the hilarious kitsch value. Actually pay attention.
• Learn all the words to REM's "It's the End of the World as We Know It." It may come in handy later.
• Repent, Repent, Repent.

*Note: Not the Mel Gibson movie.**
**Note: Also, not that Tesla song.

 

["Mad" Dan]

• Ken Jennings Loses on Jeopardy

The reign that was to last a thousand dinner times has come to an end. Ken incorrectly answered that Fed Ex's white collar employees only work four months a year. Upon seeing that, Steven Johannsen, a mid-level manager for Fed Ex did a hilarious spit take, jumped up and yelled "We don't! I gotta call the office!" He then tripped over an ottoman running to the phone, and the theme song from "The Dick Van Dyke Show" began inexplicably playing from nowhere.

• Earthquakes and Tsunamis Kill Tens of Thousands in Asia

This story is too sad to make a joke about. I gotta do something though... Um, okay, What kind of animal should you never trust? A cheetah!
Whew! Thank you cherry-flavored popsicle I ate four months ago. You saved my life... again.

Oh Jesus, you so crazy. I think I want to have your baby.

Notes to Self:

• Watch "End of Days" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Contemplate the irony that while he stops Armageddon from happening in the movie, by campaigning for Bush he may have helped bring it about. Then contemplate that I am probably using the word "irony" wrong.
• Remember that it is the book of Revelation, not Revelations. Write it 50 times to remind myself.
• Repent, Repent, Repent.

 

["Mad" Dan]

• Blockbuster Ends Late Fees

Blockbuster also announced that they would invent a time machine and go back to before Netflix and On Demand, when this would have mattered. They also plan to cause their parents to never meet, thereby causing themselves to never be born. But, after some crazy and exciting hi-jinks, they will put everything right again. All of this will be turned into a great movie that, sadly, you will buy a bootleg of in Times Square.

• Scientists Take First Steps Towards Self-Assembling Robots

Scientists have grafted rat cell onto microchips and created tiny robots that can move by themselves and may be able to reproduce. In a related story, you will spend 2008 fighting giant super-strength, lazer-beam shooting robotic rats.

• Jesus Appears to World on Oyster Shell

Jesus does this sort of thing every once in a while, just to make sure we’re paying attention. It’s sort of like the Lord’s version of a cup check. Remember, it’s two for flinching.

• Laura and Jenna Bush Pledge Their Allegance to The Dark Lord

A lot of people will tell you that this is really the signal for “Hook ‘Em Horns”. But, what a lot of people won’t tell you is the full meaning is “Hook ‘Em Horns…of Satan!” What do a lot of people got to be like that? Damn.

Notes to Self:

• Rent the movie “Omega Man” starring Charlton Heston. No real reason, just because that movie rocks.
• Start printing “I Was Not Assumed Bodily Into Heaven During the Rapture and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” shirts. It’s a can’t-miss idea!
• Repent, Repent, Repent.