The Pre-Apocalypse Journal

["Mad" Dan]

Now that George W Bush has been re-elected, it is pretty clear that the end of the world is rapidly approaching. It may be the one of the largest indications but it is not the first, nor will it be the last. So while Satan slowly rubs his hands together and whispers "It's all falling into place", I thought I would start a journal to document the Signs*, until that day in the not-to-distant future when those four horsemen ride across the sky and the seas boil and the moon turns to blood.

So let's get started!

• Red Sox Win The World Series

Aside from Bush's victory, the clearest evidence of Armageddon is that the Boston Red Sox finally reversed the curse and won the World Series. The only question now is whether God will not obliterate us for one more year and allow the Chicago Cubs to achieve the same feat. The answer to that question is no. Because while the Sox where cursed, the Cubbies just suck.

• 59 Year Old Great-Grandmother Set To Give Birth To Twins

Here's a story about a 59 year old woman who had her tubes tied, and yet she is pregnant with twins. And, I think the most disturbing part of this story is that she is 59 and has six great-grandchildren! Really, it's kind of a toss up though.

• Locusts Swarm Egypt

Locust are swarming through Cairo at what are being called "biblical levels". The locusts are pink, which has led Jerry Falwell to denounce them as "a part of the gay agenda." Falwell then chuckled and slowly shook his head saying "Sometimes even I can't believe the crazy-ass shit that comes out of my mouth."

• Pope Fears Bush Is The Anti-Christ

"George W Bush's blood lust, his repeated commitment to Christian beliefs and his constant references to 'evil doers,' in the eyes of many devout Catholic leaders, bear all the hallmarks of the one warned about in the Book of Revelations--The Anti-Christ." Also, during their last epic battle the Pope overhead Satan mutter that his son is "a fucking moron."

Notes to Self:

• Rent the movie "Left Behind" starring Kirk Cameron again. But this time, don't get high and watch it for the hilarious kitsch value. Actually pay attention.
• Learn all the words to REM's "It's the End of the World as We Know It." It may come in handy later.
• Repent, Repent, Repent.

*Note: Not the Mel Gibson movie.**
**Note: Also, not that Tesla song.