The Funken Drunker Experience

[Funken Drunker]

Hello, and welcome to the Funken Drunker Experience. I wanted to call this 'The Trainwreck That is My Life', but I ran out of capitals. oh well. I should warn you now, I only intend to post my drunken/bizzaked ramlings, and yes, the fact I wrote that makes it way lame. and I'm probably way too old to be (talking) like that.

I know this.

Lamer yet.

I crack me up.

still here?

damn...

ok....

I suppose some background is in order-I'm a single male, functional acoholic, 30ish recent yankee transplant to the bible belt(south-central US.)


I bought a frozen pizza and some beer the other day at the local supermarket and here is the conversation I had:

female clerk:I've never tried this brand of frozen pizza before

me: (mumbles something about cost/value)

do I invite her over for beer and pizza (did I mention this is a college town)?

NO

my dumb ass gives a lesson in economics.

does my dumb ass know a flying fuck about economics?

NO, it seems to be unneccicarily complicated on purpose, butwhat the fuck do I know?

Is this a good example of my ineptitude with women?

yes

did I butcher the hell out of that word?

oh hell yeah-it's so ugly I almost want use a dictionary

damn, funken, you drunk?

hwo, me?

exctly.


peace, freaks,

FD

 

[Funken Drunker]

I just remembered hearing bitch-ass Kay Bailey-hutchison cry-assin' about " let's cut george a break".

Just Because these were trying times

That he instigated

what a douchebag

Funken's fading fast, but he stiill has to say:hyphenated last names are a sure indication of a pretentious bitch.

 

[Funken Drunker]

Funkens vurgal poetry

Friday the what-teenth?

Ha - I just noticed the subject line- that's the worst thing that happened to me today. Besides being payday and having a generally nice day at work, I made an extra $96 scrapping while on work time. Beautiful.

An Ode to Pussy

by Funken Drunker

Pussy, pussy, oh so sweet,
Legs spread wide, bush trimmed neat,
Fragrance wafting through the air,
How I long to part your hair.

The part your hair line just cracks me right the fuck up.

Funken wrote that shit back in high school, before he euthenasisized his brain cells. With malicious intent.

For anyones amusement, but mostly his, Funken will no longer spell check, correct or edit his posts! And he will be referring to himelf in the third person, because so far he hasn't seen anyone else in this forum do so, although he is willing to admit he hasn't browsed or lurked here for any significant amount of time*. And he will belligerently and possibly violently attack any(OK - the few) Rules Of Grammar And/Or Spelling And/Or General Etiquette he is aware of.

peace, freaks,

FD







*As far as his drunk ass knows.

P.S. madeja look

 

[Funken Drunker]

I love crackheads

Yes, I love them. An incomplete list of things I've bought from them, most of which were $10

-a large bottle of Cool Water
-2 VCRs
-countless cartons of cigs of various brands
-a fake womens Buganti (or whatever that expensive brand is) watch
-several caps
-stacks and stacks of VCR tapes and CDs
-designer jeans (still had tags, and they got washed before worn)
-a hookah
-many boxes of Phillies
-a variety of kitchen cabinet hardware
-a dorm-sized refrigerator
-a fakish samurai sword

FD

 

[Funken Drunker]

Funken talks to himself part 1

Funken : Good evening, and thanks for your time

Drunker: Who are you, David Brinkley? Bite me.

F : Pass. Why are you doing this?

D : Mostly to amuse myself. I get mad kicks out of reading this crap when I'm sober.

F : What is your motivation?

D : Damn, me, what part of 'it amuses me' don't I understand?

F : OK. Lets begin again. Why the anonymity?

D : One, because I'm painfully bashful in real life and B, because I'm painfully stubborn in real life, and bashful came before stubborn.

F : You've been quoted as saying "Religion is cultural diarhea"-care to elaborate?

D : Dude, you are the diarhhea of interviewers

F : Whoa, there, alice. Interview? I'm talkin to myself.

D : Religion is the root cause of most of humanitys problems. Recognize.

F : Go on

D : Look, every conquest, holocaust or inquisition had religion as it's base. Spirituality is for wiener losers who can't or won't accept reality

F : So no good can come of religion?

D : No. It's a crutch.

F : An

 

[Funken Drunker]

Funken talks to himself part 1b

Funken apologizes, but his post got sent before he could finish talking to himelf

peace, freaks,

FD

 

[Funken Drunker]

Funken takes the L D quiz

The Only Non-Shitty/Non-Retarded Internet Quiz!, By Your Pal LD

1. What’s yer name?

Funken Drunker

2. What do you wish your name was?

God

3. How old are ya?

28

4. Where, and in what type of housing, do you live?

rented apartment

5. If you have any post high-school education, what was your area of study?

computer information systems

6. Does your current job have anything to do with the above?

not even remotely

7. What did you want to be when “you grew up?”

I don't remember - Fireman?

8. Are you gay/bi or have you ever “experimented?”

no/no

9. Do people routinely think you are gay, even if you’re not?

possibly,as I haven't dated in several years

10. Got any kids? If so, which is your favorite and why?

no

11. Do you like being naked?

YES

12. What drugs have you done (if any)? Which was your favorite and why?

tobacco and alcohol, because I can. Marijuana, because it's fun and relaxing. LSD will always be my favorite beause it forced me to see reality in a way I can't otherwise

13. What medications (if any) are you currently taking and why?

none

14. What is your favorite beer?

I usually drink Blue, Guiness or OE

15. What is your favorite chick drink?

Not sure,but I like raspberry vodka

16. When is the last time you screamed all horror-movie or girly-like?

saw a cockroach in my apt-freaked me the fuck out because I keep the place especially clean to avoid that kinda shit

17. Which celebrity do you wish you were?

god

18. If you were a Full House character, who would you be?

a what what?

19. Did you actually like high school?

oh, hell no

20. What is the coolest place you’ve ever been?

Everywhere I am

21. Who or what makes you weak in the knees?

Buffy. Beautiful women. Women in general.

22. What makes you weird?

my addiction to Buffy and chess

23. What is the thing you most regret ever paying for?

I just paid $25 for a 10 of bud-that pissed me off

24. What food makes you want to vomit all over the place?

animal innards

25. What brand of shampoo do you use?

I use soap

26. What thing are you most afraid of?

Death is the only thing I fear, because I don't think there is anything after that.

27. How old do you think you will be when you die, and why?

40-60, family history of heart disease

28. If someone killed your entire family, would you want them to die? And if so, die by what method?

Truly, the most fucked up, pooly worded question yet.


29. What kind of undies are you currently wearing, including color?

I'm a boxer guy, but I freeball as often as possible

30. How old were you when you first had sex?

19

31. Have you ever had a one-night stand? And not regretted it?

yes, and no

MEN ONLY
38. Do you think I’m hot?

I'd have to see ya to answer honestly

39 . Do you think vaginas are ugly?

not even a little

40. What is your favorite feature or body part on the opposite sex?

depends on the individual

41. Would you ever (or have you ever) date a stripper?

would I : hell yeah, have I : no

42. Do you honestly think bodily functions such as farting and burping are hilarious?

Only when it's extremely inappropriate

And finally, for EVERYONE…
43. Wasn’t this quiz SO much better than those normal “favorite food” and “favorite number” stupid fucking quizzes?

Yes-you rock L D - thanks for helpin me kill an hour

____________________________________________________

 

[Funken Drunker]

Fathers Day Tribute Post

My father is the coolest motherfucker I know. He's my hero. He coached little league and worked his ass off in a manual labor type field so my ass could go see dinosaur bones at the museum on weekends and have Fonzie coloring books. The most impressive thing is, he didn't get this from his father, I don't think. His dad (my gramps) always seemed like a hardass, from what vague memories of him I have and the stories I've heard.

To mine, and any other ass-bustin, unappreciated fathers out there:

Happy Fathers Day

 

[Funken Drunker]

Funken gets his groove back

Yeah what this journal lacked was sex so Funken went out on the town aimin' to do somethin' about it.

It should be noted that Funken is usually tragically shy/bashful in the presence of females. Why? He does not know, because he is generally regarded as A Tuff Dude With No Drama.

So Funken hit some bars last night, and was extremely dissapointed with the quality/quantity of available women.

Damn summer vacation.

Damn college town.

Funken spent most of the night talking to himself. dammit dammit dammit

He promises to hit the beach next weekend.

 

[Funken Drunker]

Blitzkrieg Bop

Dammit, why do these fucking corporations have to keep ruining memories I associate with music. I don't want to relate Ramones to AT&T, I want to remember the chick that I was with when I saw them live. Fuck Capitalism.

Worlds Strongest Woman is on ESPN. Scary.

Tim Duncan came within 2 blocks of a quadruple double. Damn, I wish I was a little bit taller. I watched about 5 minutes of the entire series.
Good for The Admiral, though-classy dude.

 

[Funken Drunker]

Damn you all

reading journals here made me late for work 5 of 6 days last week. Quit being so interesting!

 

[Funken Drunker]

One hit wonder

I googled my pseudonym and got only this site, my journal. That kind of surprised me. I'm unique and special. I do believe I'll drink to that.

-me

 

[Funken Drunker]

I-ching #1

Q : Should I continue writing this journal

Hexagram Forty:
Hsieh / Liberation

A Thunderous Cloudburst
shatters the oppressive humidity:
The Superior Person
knows the release
in forgiveness,
pardoning the faults of others
and dealing gently with
those who sin against him.

It pays to accept things
as they are for now.
If there is nothing else
to be gained,
a return brings good fortune.
If there is something yet
to be gained,
act on it at once.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:
The relief you experience here is not your own personal pardon, but the release of others from your rigid expectations. Like a hot air balloon, you will rise to new heights as you cast the heavy sandbags of resentments and restrictions away from you. Feel the lightness of being that results from forgiving others and accepting them as they are. Free yourself of the endless vigil of policing the behavior of others. See them for who they are, not what they can or can't do for you.

Changing Lines:

Hexagram Forty/Line Three:
The porter carries his burden
in a gilded carriage
well beyond his means.
This attracts not only
the resentment of his peers,
but bandits as well.
Injury and humiliation ahead.

Transformed Hexagram:

Hexagram Thirty - Two:
Heng / Durability

Arousing Thunder
and penetrating Wind,
Close companions
in any storm:
The Superior Person
possesses a resiliency
and durability
that lets him remain
firmly and faithfully
on course.

Such constancy
deserves success.


SITUATION ANALYSIS:
Endurance is the key to success in this situation. However, durability is not synonymous with stone-like rigidity. True resilience requires a flexibility that allows adaptation to any adverse condition, while still remaining true to the core. Can you maintain your integrity under any circumstance? Can you influence the situation without giving opposing forces anything to resist? Then you will endure to reach your goal.

 

[Funken Drunker]

Virginity!

post subject get your attention?

I've been watching reruns of 'That 70's Show' lately, and am curious to what, if any, song was playing at that magical moment you lost your virginity. When Eric and Donna did it, Dream Weaver starting playing. I will admit to having to try to fuck, **for the first time**, to something by Mary Chapin-Carpenter. If you are one of the few who have read/followed this journal (both of you), Know This: this went against every fibre of my being (probably fucked that cliche, but screwdrivers are starting to kick in, so ehh). In the end, I performed much better than I expected, and have a related story that's probably only funny to me that I'm sure I will share eventually.

Since I'm an equal opportunity offender, I would also like to hear from those of you who are Waiting For The Right Guy/Gal and what you hope to be the soundtrack of true love. HAH

I will post any results in a week, if'n there are any.


look, ^ paragraphs, sort of.

NEXT:more I-Chings and SEX, SEX, SEX

--FD

 

[Funken Drunker]

I-ching #2

Q:How do I recognize a soulmate?

Hexagram Thirty - Three:
Tun / Retreat

The tranquil Mountain
towers overhead,
yet remains this side
of Heaven:
The Superior Person
avoids the petty and superficial
by keeping shallow men
at a distance,
not in anger
but with dignity.

Such a retreat
sweeps the path clear
to Success.
Occupy yourself
with minute detail.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:
Retreat in this instance is not a desperate flight in disarray, but a conscious choice to distance yourself from forces that would rob you of your peace. It is not a surrender, but a regrouping. Retreat from this conflict is actually an advance toward your own center. You move toward balance, and thus a much stronger position.

Changing Lines:

Hexagram Thirty-Three/Line One:
You have reached
the outlands of your retreat.
To hold your advantage,
fall back no further.

Hexagram Thirty-Three/Line Six:
He retires nobly,
seeing that it is
for the good of all.

Transformed hex:

Hexagram Forty - Nine:
Ko / Revolution

Fire ignites within the Lake,
defying conditions that would
deny it birth or survival:
The Superior Person reads
the Signs of the Times
and makes the Season
apparent to all.

The support you need
will come only after
the deed is done.
Renewed forces, however,
will provide fresh energy
for exceptional progress.
Persevere.
All differences vanish.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:
A revolutionary Change must be made forcibly. There is no negotiating with the Established Order. Perfect timing is essential. Let the abuse of power become apparent and oppressive to those around you before making your move. Lay the groundwork, sow the seeds for Revolution without tipping your hand prematurely. You will need a strong foundation, because you will have to bring about this necessary change alone. You cannot count on popular support, so you must wait until there is massive dissent. Then the avenue for your assault will be cleared.


***************
Revolution

Fire ignites within the Lake,
defying conditions that would
deny it birth or survival:
The Superior Person reads
the Signs of the Times
and makes the Season
apparent to all.

this part makes me want to ROCK THE VOTE, or something.

I'm not sure how this relates to the question, maybe a bowl will help

The Official Internet Self-Test I took confirmed my thoughts : I *may* have adult ADD.

so I was banging this chi

 

[Funken Drunker]

SELF TEST for SCHIZOPHRENIA

You must be at least 18 years old to take this test. (Why?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MALE
AGE: 28
1. Do you or a loved one hear voices that seem to come from somewhere outside of you?
Never
2. Do you or a loved one believe that you have special powers or connections over others?
Often
3. Do you or a loved one believe that other people can read your thoughts?
Sometimes
4. Do you or a loved one believe that people on television are talking about you?
Never
5. Do you or a loved one believe that you are on a special mission for the CIA or FBI?
Never
6. Do you or a loved one see things around you that no one else can see?
Never
7. Do you or a loved one think often feel confused and cloudy?
Sometimes
8. Do you or a loved one have little or no interest in doing anything?
Often
9. Do you or a loved one find it difficult to put your thoughts into words?
Often
10. Do you or a loved one allow your appearance to look very unkempt?
Often

-----



Your Score Is 10 of a possible score of 30

The average score for men in the age range under 30 is 10.
Other people in your age group scored between 0 and 30.



You (or a loved one) are showing some signs of schizophrenia. You should consult with a behavioral health professional as soon as possible to have your symptoms evaluated.

 

[Funken Drunker]

Self-test For Hypochondria

Whiteley Index is a widely used test to find hypochondria. As with all tests the result must be interpreted cautiously. A high score is an indication that you could profit from talking this over with your doctor.


Below is a list of questions about your health. For each one, please circle the number indicating how much this is true for you.


1 = Not at all

2 = A little bit

3 = Moderately

4 = Quite a bit

5 = A great deal


1: Do you worry a lot about your health?

3

2: Do you think there is something seriously wrong with your body?

2

3: Is it hard for you to forget about yourself and think about all sorts of other things?

3

4: If you feel ill and someone tells you that you are looking better, do you become annoyed?

1

5: Do you find that you are often aware of various things happening in your body?

2

6: Are you bothered by many aches and pains?

4

7: Are you afraid of illness?

4

8: Do you worry about your health more than most people?

(I don't know)

9: Do you get the feeling that people are not taking your illnesses seriously enough?

1

10: Is it hard for you to believe the doctor when he/she tells you there is nothing for you to worry about?

2

11: Do you often worry about the possibility that you have a serious illness?

3
12: If a disease is brought to your attention (through the radio, TV, newspapers, or someone you know), do you worry about getting it yourself?

2

13: Do you find that you are bothered by may different symptoms?

4

14: Do you often have the symptoms of a very serious disease?

3


The Whitely Index score is found by summing the responses to each question. The higher the score the more hypochondriacal you are likely to be. There is no set cutoff score, but healthy people without health anxiety generally have a score of 21 +/- 7 (14 to 28). Patients with hypochondria are found to have a score of 44 +/- 11 (32 to 55). These numbers are merely indications to help you find out if you have hypochondria. If your score is high we suggest you talk to your doctor about it - may be he can advice you where to find help.


Notice that if you are depressed you also might get a high score, and your hypochondriacal ideas might be secondary to your depression. The same is true if you have a specific or general anxiety disorder. In both instances you can talk to your doctor about this

----------

my score- 34, with one questioned unanswered

 

[Funken Drunker]

Mental Health self-test

What sex are you? Male

Do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age? Yes

Do you have difficulty trusting people? Yes

Do you tend to avoid social relationships? Yes

Do you prefer to be alone rather than in the company of others? Yes

If you answered yes to the previous question, is it because you feel very anxious in social situations, or.. No

..because you are suspicious of their motives? No

Do you find yourself unaffected by praise or criticism? Yes

Do you see people who get taken advantage of as being weak and deserving of being used? No

Do you feel a yearning for acceptance among your peers? No

Do you have a difficult time relating to others? Yes

Do you believe you have special extrasensory abilities (ability to "sense" a person's presence, for example)? No

Do you often find that your emotions are inappropriate for a given situation? No

Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including loved ones, may be doing things behind your back that will end up hurting you?
No

Do others see you as being cold and distant? Yes

Do you tend to choose jobs that are below your skill level? Yes

Do you find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a long time? Yes

Is your appearance or behavior considered "eccentric" by other people?
No

Have other people accused you of being cruel to animals or people?
No

Do you take actions without thinking about the consequences?
No

Do you sometimes profit at the expense of others, without being bothered by the pain or damage you may cause them? Yes

Do you consider your needs to be more important to you than the needs of others? Yes

Do your moods fluctuate a lot? Yes

Are you prone to bouts of anger? No

Do you often feel like people are saying negative things about you behind your back? No

Do you often see things in black and white terms? In other words, something either is or it isn't, with no gray area inbetween. Yes

Are you often uninterested in the feelings of others? Yes

When you are talking to someone, do they sometimes have difficulty following your train of thought? No

Are you quick to anger when your expectations are not met? Yes

Do you intentionally injure yourself, for instance by cutting yourself or taking too many pills? Yes

Do consider yourself having a strong love for approval and praise?
No

Do other people accuse you of being manipulative?
No

Have you had recurrent thoughts of suicide? No

Do you tend to be critical of loved ones, sometimes holding them to higher standards than you hold yourself to? Yes

Are you very afraid of being alone? Yes

Are you focused on order and perfection? No

Do you feel that you are depressed a lot? No

Do you always feel the need to have a story to tell? No

Have you ever been in jail or done something that you could be put in jail for? No

Do other people accuse you of being self-centered? No

Do you occasionally or often dress or act provocatively to gain attention? No

Do you have a big fear of rejection (of any kind, not just romantic)? Yes

Do you often second-guess yourself? Yes

Do you find yourself exaggerating your achievements to win the respect of others? Yes

Do you frequently alternate between feelings of high self-worth and self-disappointment? Yes

Do you tend to lie a lot? Yes

Do you frequently reassure yourself that you are deserving of praise?
No

Do you frequently reassure yourself that you are self-sufficient? No

Do you often feel uncomfortable in social situations? Yes

Does your concern for doing everything "right" interfere with your productivity? No

Do you have trouble not taking criticism personally? No

Do you feel the need to always be in a relationship? No

Are you quiet in social situations, often out of fear of saying something stupid? No

Are you often critical of weakness in others, particularly classmates or coworkers? No

Do you exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations in order to convince yourself not to try out new activities? Yes

Do you yearn for intimate relationships yet feel that you are too socially inept to obtain them? Yes

Do you ever steal things from stores or people's houses? Yes

Do you suffer from low confidence? Yes

Have you ever exaggerated illness or other weakness in order to get attention? No

Do you have an intense fear of separation from those you love? No

Have others accused you of being arrogant? Yes

Do you avoid working in teams because you are convinced that others are too careless and will not work to your standards? No

Do you often let others make important decisions for you? Yes

Do you have intense feelings of inadequacy and helplessness? Yes

Do you often get stuck on the details while missing the larger picture?
No

Are you very concerned with your appearance and how others perceive you? Yes

Do others accuse you of being rigid or stubborn? No

Do you have a hard time throwing things away, even if they are old and worn out? No

Do you engage in any obsessive or compulsive behavior? Yes

Were your parents cold and distant or treated you negatively when you were growing up? No

----

I'm betting on a diagnosis of SOCIOPATH - any takers?

----

Your Results:
Disorder Rating
-------- ------
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Very High
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

----

Schizoid
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

Antisocial
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others

 

[Funken Drunker]

Post Circumcision Sexual Sensitivity self-test

Heh. You wish.

(see subject)

 

[Funken Drunker]

Call who?

tried to e@ Blondie-not the singer chick, the girl I used to see. my e mail got bounced. She was second one I hoped would be The One. We kept in touch for a time. When I moved, she still kept in touch. Haven't heard from her in a long time. Dammit, what could have been and all that

Tippin' a Guinness in memory of OG Blondie

F D