The Fatal EnglishWoman

[-Sebastian]

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight.
I wish I may I wish I might,
Have this wish I wish tonight.

I wish to be well.

I'm 33-
addicted to tranquilizers
drink 2 cases of beer a week
pop lexapro midday
diagnosed w/ ADD @ 18
my memory isn't very good these days either.

but I remember -
skipping school to read a book
loving an Englishman
seeing Paris
roaming London
hating an Englishman
laying in the snow
opening the pill bottle
loving the baby
curled up in a ball
boarding a plane
picking myself up

smiling at the world.


It's going to be ok now.

 

[-Sebastian]

x

X was laying there on the table, thinking "it's not time yet. I'm not ready to have this baby." She liked being pregnant. All the attention, all hers. She could of been happy being pregnant for years.
Everything was happening too fast. Only an hour before X had walk onto the maternity ward ... hobbled would be the better word, clutching her stomach.

Now she lay there and had to push. She'd remember how the other woman had said "you'll have the most incredible urge to push it out when it happens." So X pushed with everything in her.
It didn't take long, she didn't scream.

When they showed her the baby, X just looked at it. Did not feel anything. Had them take it away to the other people waiting outside the door. The nurse lead her to the shower. It took 10 minute for the water to warm. Why did it take so long? What kind of a place is this?

Later in the night they brought the baby to her to nurse. This time X inspected it closely. It had very dark hair and lots of it. Large eyes, she couldn't tell the colour. Tiny feet & fingers. Everything was where it was supposed to be. She stared at the little face, trying to see something.

X rang for the nurse to take the baby back at the end of the feeding.

She sat there thinking for a very long time.

 

[-Sebastian]

X thought

X wasn't a good wife, certainly not a good friend and heaven forbid that she would ever have children.

"The only way she'll ever straighten out is to get pregnant" said the ladies at work, shaking their heads sadly. They were bent on the "giving birth makes you a totally diffferent person" train of thought.

"Ha! Never!" said X.

Children were something that made a smile turn into a frown on her face. Made her whole body go tense in a store. "Ugggg..there is a baby here. No, I do not want to hold it or coo at it. "

Kids - the way they screamed in excitement, how dirty their faces were, how they had NO manners to speak of.

Poor manners was the worst offense to her. She detested people that that spoke of sex in rough terms or cursed for nothing more than shock value, or women that acted all tough after the age of 14. All these irritations overwhelmed her at times. She acted out - quite a lot. Drinking too much, popping whatever script she thought would calm her down or jazz her up. People really really really irritated her. Substances help her to keep that mouth shut. Be a lady.

Now she had a baby. X had a little infant. They'd just taken the child away to the nursey.

The thoughts she was having were not about manners, or grime, or of screaming ....actually she had no thoughts. Only a feeling that welled up way down inside of her. Like a ballon inflating, it felt that strong.

X waited for the baby to come back.