The Dirk Diggler Story

[Jarky]

"I'm a star...I'm a star, I'm star...I'm a big, beautiful star..."
- Boogie Nights

That's what it felt like. That is still what it feels like to be in improv. You are a part of something that feels bigger than you can comprehend. I still have that feeling every time I go on stage.

At the moment, I'm in smog blanketed Los Angeles, CA finishing up a summer semester screenwriting course at USC. It's been fun, I've learned a lot, and met a lot of cool people. However, my experience here has been quite different than that of my improv "career" in my hometown, under the Zion Curtain, of Salt Lake City. I'll be going home in a week and reuniting with my troupe: Knock Your Socks Off. In some ways it feels like I'm starting all over again.

Start...what a a great place.

Last September I entered the age where I could legally see an R-rated movie with my parent or guardian tagging along with me. It was a thrilling experience for me, one which I had waited for eagerly. But I didn't go see a movie the week following my birthday, I saw a short/long form show at Trolley Square Live (TSL -- then home of Quick Wits and Knock Your Socks Off). Originally I had come to see a second rate local film, but quickly changed my mind and decided to take a risk with the KYSOff show. Two hours and six minutes later, I was smitten. I'd never seen a more ambious and brilliant display of raw, guerilla acting in all my life. Sure, there were the shortform shows around town, but they weren't what they used to be. KYSOff brought something to the table that was -- and still is -- unique, engaging, and very stylish. Along with that they offered a side dish of free classes on Saturday afternoons.

Despite fear and a less-than-mediocre education in improv from summer theatre camps, I went. My first scene was with a guy in black sweat pants and jacket with a face that looked like it was made out of dirty clay. This was Alex, who appeared to be a pro or at least a veteran of the Saturday workshops...that was the only scene I did that day. I felt ashamed that day and I really don't know why. I'd see many people in the next two months have harder times than myself with their first go at it. Plus, I didn't realize that I had established a very contact at my first workshop: Ryan Locante. He was the man with the skills and charm that just blew the audience out of the water at the show I had seen. He was different offstage though. A little awkward and unbalanced. However, he seemed grounded in when on stage or even just watching improv. There was a flare in his eyes, and I have to admit, I was curious as to what the hell that flare was. Nothing could be this good, could it?

Over the next two months, every workshop, showcase, KYSOff performance, weekday group practices, and anything else improv related, I went two. On November 9, 2002 auditions were held for KYSOff, for which I was unavailable for, but was lucky enough to have a private audition later on. At Midnight. Alone.

But somehow, by the grace of God/Fate/Karma I got admitted into their ranks. I got to be part of the stars that shined. For awhile I was the youngest person doing professional improv and that, let me say, was an honor in itself. It felt like Dirk Diggler (though if my member were that big I would no longer be a virgin), getting the chance to make something of myself.

Now, it being almost a year later, I wonder why sometimes I still feel like a I don't belong in the troupe.

 

[Jarky]

Diggler & Friends, PAX Special

"When I think of all the people I have come upon, I must remind myself of all the people who have come upon me!"
-Hedwig and The Angry Inch

You can read an audience. I've found that from years of performing on the stage, but it was always a kind of delayed reaction. You performed, soaked it up with the cast back stage, and then did a "don't-you-feel-Hollywood" type of meet and greet. That's where the feedback came from, both direct and indirect.

I believe improv is all about relating to people. The audience, your fellow members, and yourself are the ones that need to moved in some way by it. uke: Yes, let's all jerk a tear from our eye, blow into a McDonalds napkin, and flip off the last sentence for saturated with a trite message fit for an after school episode of original PAX television programing.

In all honesty, the people around you while you do improv are the most valuable assests to have on stage. The audience is eye-candy, meant to boost an ego. The players are fellow blind men/women, they know no more or less than you. When someone gains a second of vision, they try to share it with everyone else. And then there is you -- a hitchhiker of your subconscience, looking for new landscapes that have not been cultivated.

But as I was asked on one of my first trips down Improv Ave: "Who the fuck are you?"

Relating to people is one of the most challenging things for me to accomplish. It's not the maintaining of a friendship, but getting over the break (brace yourself, another PAX moment is approaching. Got enough Kleenex?). For those who surf, have seen the ocean, or just know how to spell "Beach", each wave has a break where the water starts to fold back into itself. To ride the waves you must push hard through the bitter salt water and hope the break doesn't push you into the out going tide. I experience the same difficulty and challenge when relating to others of the human persuasion.

This time, I made it over the break with my eyes closed. I've made some very close relationships, though. Ryan continues to be a passionate teacher and insightful friend. JD, closest in age to me, is a close confidant who bounces her problems off me and mine off her. Austin, ironically a person who I envied when he entered the troupe a month after I did, is one of my best friends. I still envy his talent. Laine, someone who's frustration is easy to relate to, but who forces me to continually better myself. Erin, she reminds me that humor happens in the smallest of things in life. And Scott, a permanent memo of why I started improv: to kick it for an hour or two.

My last entry concluded on an Adam-West-Batman cliffhanger, hopefully with the emotional stakes high, and elluded to the people in KYSOff. All of them talented; all in different ways. Somehow I don't feel talented enough to be with these remarkable people. Sure, I've had my moments, but I don't think I have the flow that other people in my troupe have. What makes me so priviledged to join these people in their artform.

Beats the hell out of me.

So what can we learn from this adult film entitled: Improv Does Jarky's Brain (Look for Improv Up Yours, COMING SOON) Connect to any and every person. I used to get mad at people who were getting laughs. Now, I'm trying to see what I can learn from them. Improv is like the porn business. Not only in that you love it or hate it, but you're all getting screwed together. That might just be wholesome enough for The Family Channel.

 

[Jarky]

Bigger than a telephone booth; smaller than a Chevy

"Leggo my eggo!"
- Eggo Waffle Slogan

Drop one "g" from the quote above. Okay, not from the first word, but the last one (no multi-coloured toasted breakfast construction items) and you get: Ego. La-de-dah.

I don't pretend be a know it all at improv. There is, however, one certain thing that I know rules throughout the made-up on the spot kingdom and that is people have big egos they don't want to get hurt. Which is ironic if, first of all, you're planning on entertaining people; secondly, trying to entertain by means of comedy; and third, do it unscripted.

Like all things in improv, there are good and bad things to them. A good thing is that you can file away great comebacks that are launched during a sprawl of ego wrestling. A bad thing is that egos take and take, never seeming to give back.

At the moment, I'm just dying to get on stage. Create a character out of the blue and throw him in the throngs of the crowd. I have to wait until September because at the moment, KYSOff is without a theatre. I'm finding it harder and harder to justify to my parents why I keep going to the rehearsals. I think many other members of the troupe have taken my thoughts and put them into action. Honestly, who can blame them? It's an addiction. A need -- like sex. In some ways I guess this is them cheating on the Mrs. who has decided to become a nun. It doesn't change the fact that we love to improvise, we love to go on stage, and we need feedback when we do it.

Other things arise due to ego-effect. I remember when Austin first came to our Saturday workshops. Kind of quite, kept to himself, but exploded on stage. For some reason I couldn't share in his accomplishments. I hated him for being so good, so talented on his first time in. I recall the next few workshops I was trying to out do whatever he did -- after all, I'd been there longer (*bullshit alarm sounding*) -- though failed to my now enjoyment. Austin is one of my best friends on and off stage. It took me a couple of months to get to know him and learn that I could grow from his knowledge.

Still, ego's are keepin' the men and women of KYSOff down.

I'm pretty certain that we could be in a new space at the moment, even if it wasn't entirely our own. But complications have arised because egos have burned bridges that are not coming back. Other than a slew of insults that pour out when they are bruised, the pride of people has not once added to the improv experience. Ryan once told me it is easy to spot an improviser with an ego the size of Montana because they'll masturbate on stage. Not in a sexual way, but they will have it all for themselves. Stroke their very essence on the stage and not give in to those around them.

Time for the egos to go. Tomorrow I'm going to start a trek in search of a theatre to take us in. KYSOff is something I don't want to lose, and more so, the people in it. It's my therapy and family. My solution and problems all wrapped up into one. I just wish ego wasn't constantly on the menu.

 

[Jarky]

Filmed in the backyard

"We were lookin' for some of that ultra-violence..."
- A Clockwork Orange

On the whole, improv has bin berry berry good to me. At the moment it is having it's ups :up: and some downs :mope: . Yeah, I know, I know. Join the crowd, right? Well, not just yet.

Last Saturday was really the return of improv. Yes, it had left. Not the theory or the method, but the feeling of thrills was gone...gone away. Our second attempt at Saturday "hooplahs" turned into out considerably well. We had two workshoppers show up with seven KYSOffers, including the lovely and talented JD who managed to work despite just having her wisdom teeth removed. Like I said, the thrill was back. New people discovering for the first time and a veteran groupie who deserves time on the stage. After the conclusion of the workshop five of the KYSOffers (me, Jesse, Scott, Lisa, and Logan) went to perform at a private show.

This is where things got weird...on and off stage.

The party we were performing for not only were the parent's of our artistic director [Joe Rogan]'s friend, but the parent's of someone I had the pleasure of working with on stage and almost losing my job with him. A long story about getting coffee, but I didn't have coffee, and it just goes like a record, baby. Right round...Now the hosts of this party not only wanted entertainment, but they wanted us to introduce the guests to one another, seeing how it was a get-to-know-you-party. Before hand, the hostess had sent Joe Rogan a list of "embarrassing stuff" that we should, if possible, incorporate into the act. This list contained not only a Saliva Sister, but my dentist and various members of my synagogue. I found out some things that I would have been fine not knowing otherwise, but what the hell? I got paid to do it, so not all bad. The show was actually one of the best away shows I've ever been in. All it consisted of was a backyard, some people with cameras, and free food -- good enough for me. Actually, I think the part that got me the most was the rush. I hadn't performed for almost two months and just to be up there on stage with people I love to work with. Need I say more?

This was the first show where blood was shed...literally. During Movie Murder Mystery between Scott and myself, Scott somehow cut his arm when making the motion's of the knife from "Psycho". I got a nice slashing of blood all over my shirt for the rest of the show. I didn't care though. It was so fun doing improv the way it was meant to be done [sort of] with the right kind of audience. People kept on sitting with us on the lawn, asking questions and wondering why we didn't do this for big time bucks. "Aw, shucks...you mean it?"

Still no luck with a theatre although I do have a meeting with some guy at the Avalon. When I called him last week he sounded shakey, like some huge guy held a .22 at his back while he talked on the phone. Weird, but I still haven't ruled it out. KYSOff was there a while ago and through the grape vine I've heard -- maybe from the voices in my head -- that they were looking for an improv troupe. Eh...it will give me something to do until school starts up.

Fall will bring good things, not only in my school and job related categories, but I certain that improv will pick up again. The leaves will rain and then the snow will fall and people will once again look for the safe haven of improv to rescue them from cabin fever (that movie looks like it is going to suck ass!). However, like everything in improv, it will undoubtably bring ups :up: and downs :mope: Septemberprov is going to be a blast. I'm in a long form with three of my favorite people -- on stage, off it, at Freaky Dee's, whatever -- on the team Landfill Martyr. I've already done a three-man long form with Jesse and Austin (which was a hell of a lot of fun, if not confusing at times) and putting Ryan back into the scheme of things will bring great results. He mentioned this cool long form called a 4 Square, but beyond the name I know nothing about it. In the longrun, I guess in the long form as well, it doesn't matter. I'll be happy just to be on stage. The bad news is that JD leaves in about a week. I know where she is going she'll be much happier -- actually performing on a regular basis, learning about theatre on a college level, and being close to Ryan, her boyfriend (or her word, "boy toy!!!"). It just feels like one more person leaving something that I find is great and happen to think they made great. All the more reason to find a space to perform in and keep doing what KYSOff was meant to do. Still, I can't help but miss her and the others who have already left.

 

[Jarky]

Dirk Leaves; Dirk Returns; Dirk Spins Around

"I fought the law and the law won."
- The Clash

Though of a very young age, I do know that the Clash were not the first musicians to incorporate this post's quote to rhythems and harmonies. Years before Joe Strummer and co. came on the scene, the same lyrics came out of an older generation's stereo. The fact of the matter is that a) I use these little quotes to set the tone of my various entries...kinda like a final thought on Jerry Springer and b) The Clash did it the best. I can't remember the name of band or persons who sang the song before The Clash did, because honestly, it didn't make an impression on the world, and certainly not on me. However, in the end, The Clash will never be able to attribute such a great song to their own originality.

Porn -- no matter how engrossing the story is -- will always be the same. Aside from a simple formula to getting the "hoo-HA!" juices following, it never changes. One of the seducing qualities of improv is the way that it appears to never be the same...but it can. Do we then still rank it amongst the art form of improv or rename it as sketch(y).

Tonight, I felt myself grow (ew...were done with the porn analogies for this episode). Not only did I create a fantastic, real-life conversation with Austin, but JD and I had a scene that was unlike any I've ever done before. I included details pertaining to my own life and it was amazing about how comfortable I felt discussing them in the scene.

Great...but this can't work every time. Can it?

Lately I've been noticing reoccurances in improv. It seems that I keep falling back on old habits; continually retreat into safe characters that have worked in the past; and feel this ominous sense of deja vu. Take out the two scenes I mentioned, plus one with Joe Beatty that was plotty, but one-of-a-kind, and I feel like I did stuff that happened decades ago. I understand and accept that there are times where use familiar territory in order to grow as an improvisor. During my personal leave, though, I reflect on several past characters and wondered how I could transfer their "successful idiosyncrasies" into others. This lead to me not paying attention, losing the intended character, and watching the core of the scene meltdown like some St. Louis native's beehive hair-do in late July.

The world of improv is very repeatitive as well. Today I organized with a guy to let us use his theatre to perform in a week from Saturday. I sat in the blistering sun on my cell phone, getting a brain tumor, not to mention a mouthful from this guy, talking to me about how his hypnotists he's hired are "dirty" and "not quite right, if you get what I'm saying." I listen and smiled (somehow I don't think he caught that over the phone) and eventually worked out a deal. I was exstatic and couldn't wait to tell everyone at rehearsal. When I did it got shot down by Joe Rogan. He told us if we wanted to find a space and perform under KYSOff's name to go ahead. Now I hear how the guy I talked to is not the best person to work for. It probably wouldn't be in our best, according to Joe, to perform there. And that lead to talk of a new theatre, why we're not getting one at the moment, and who the hell isn't doing it because we hope someone else will.

*Phew* God, does anyone else need some good, good sex right about now?

I think in the end I learned a valuable lesson tonight. I had to go back and get in touch with myself. That's when results came in the form of progress and I felt like I flexed my improv muscles. Sure, The Clash kicked out some fantastic tunes, but going back to the basics of rock really launched them into their own create groove.

And, that's Jarky's final thought.

 

[Jarky]

Chick Flick: Not Starring Dirk Diggler

"You are who you love, not what loves you."
- Adaptation

Risk it all before we fly or fall.

These past two days have been chalkful of risks. Aside from the shut down of getting a theatre space, I had problems on the relationship end of things. Yesterday, I met a beautiful, shy, and intelligent young woman who I found very attractive. I contemplated whether or not to ask her out, seeing how I am extremely nervous when it comes to women. So I didn't. JD once told me that various male members of the troupe, including myself, will never be able to care about anything more than our short time on stage. I told her that was not the case; I, infact, have deelply set emotions on serveral people in my life. Then I was certain of it, but not myself.

On stage we take what we know of in life and apply it to the theatrical situation. And really, when you get down to brass tacts, it doesn't matter what gets thrown our way, the situation is under control. So why -- in the name of all that is holy and satanic -- can't I reverse it. Take what I know from the stage, my abilities and quick thinking, and use them in reality, when I need them. Often I have compared improv to therapy; it gives release and a chance to vent all my frustation. And though I feel comforted on stage, once released into the off-stage realm of the world, my fears arise once more and I fall back into a self-doubting trap. Improv is what I love to do, it's when I feel the strongest, yet...yet...that strength cannot be mustard naturally. It needs a stage, an audience, something to trigger the performance value of it.

Blessing or curse, you decide.

During my absence from KYSOff, the time I spent in L.A., I had time to reflect on improv a lot. I saw various themes of my life turning up in previous scenes. I also had the chance to work with a gorgeous girl named: Lauren, who I came to adore (for some reason I can't get enough of women with that name). Did I say anything? Did I tell her one-on-one how I felt? No, I got stage fright. Regretting it constantly -- wishing that I could have taken a risk, possibly received a penalty for my words, but shit, pentalties are loads fun. So I thought some more on the way back and concluded that once I got back into the swing of things with improv, I would finally, once-and-for-all, be the casanova I often told myself I was in the mirror...not out loud though.

So back in action, feeling confidant, I decided today to approach the young lady I met yesterday (I needed a little kick from JD, but it happened). I used my honesty in my character; I offered verbal gifts; said, "Yes, and..."; and listen. God, I really listen I as told me that she was currently in a relationship.

*Heart thrown down and stepped on...*

JD thinks I'm mad at her for making me do it, which I'm not. I'm mad at myself and the situation, but also upset at other idea: could I be making a shallow, safe choices on stage as well? Is my therapy time wasted, a big joke, where I can't even come clean with myself? Honestly, it's been a confusing, frustrating, and chaotic day. I'm glad though that someone who understands my thought process was there to, in her way, guide me through the rough waters. Of the three original "God I hope this works", two have failed. Tomorrow I find out if I got the job at the Orbit Cafe. Again, it's something I feel confidant about and sure of -- something I'm willing to bet on even. I have, in my almost 18 years on this planet, been swamped with a fear of risk. Finally in my adult life I begin to think that it will start paying off. Evenutally it will. I truly believe that. Doesn't discourage the fact that I might always have the fall side lingering on my shoulders. A forever bound love-hate relationship with risk.

I never did like that board game much.

 

[Jarky]

Dirk Diggler Peeves

"Friends are just enemies in reverse."
- Gary Busey

More often than not, I wish I could see the flip side of things as they occur and not wait until it is too late.

I just got back from viewing the train wreck of a movie: Bad Boys II. I should have known better than to waste almost eight bucks on a blown-up blockbuster blow-up. Especially since I had seen it before and didn't like it much then. Maybe I just needed some inane entertainment to take my mind off a question that's been proding my brain all day: "Did I get the job at the Orbit Cafe?" The guy said he'd call me by five o'clock. All day long I sat by the phone, working on things that needed attending to, and jumping on every phone call that came into my house. Nothing. Five o'clock rolls around and I know, I'm certain it's going to happen -- it doesn't. So I call. The guy is busy, but someone takes a message. I still have a chance. I've got to keep telling myself that.

I've always believed in second chances. Third chances push your luck with me, but I heartly feel everyone deserves to make a few mistakes. It just eggs me on when people are allowed to constantly make the same mistake and never seem to suffer the consequences that I often seem to endure. Take, for example, the manager of the Orbit whose call I awaited for today. He told me he like what I had to offer. His other manager was very impressed by me and it appeared that the deal was settled. Now I understand that accidents happen. People get busy. But when I do exactly as told, then actively pursue my want, and come up with nothing...well as Will Smith kept on telling the audience tonight, "That's some cold shit!"

My track record through improv has been all over the place as it should be. I've done crazy. I've done straight. I've done shy. But have I done so much that I now am a certain character on stage no matter what persona I act like I'm taking? Is Jarky just another character on stage who falls into the same traps? I feel I need another opinion. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my fellow KYSOffers' views very much, but it might be time for a fresh pair of eyes to examine my method, if you will. On the positive side of it, though, I do believe that there is range to my character. Sometimes you'll see the same performer thinking they are being deverse in their personality choices, but really it's just he or she up there saying different words to the same effect.

Another example of this: Bad Boys II.

Admittedly, from the commercials it looked like a decent action movie. I even watched a behind the scenes, first look about it on HBO. Both Will Smith and Martin Lawerance claimed that most of their dialogue was not written out. It was, according to them, up to them to create brilliant exchanges that were not only clever, but...get a load of this...witty. It pains me to think (usually in general, but especially around Michael Bay films) as a writter that a) dialogue is shit. Whatever I write will never compare to the bonified rap-turned-movie star. b) These guys get paid to drive expensive cars, have sex with beautiful women, and shoot big guns in the name of acting and c) they believe they are improvising when arguing during a car chase. It's Will Smith acting like an asshole and Martin Lawerance complaining he's an asshole. Doesn't stop it from mascarading around like it is improv.

*In a nostaglic, musical voice*

These are a few of my most hate-ed things...!

 

[Jarky]

Dirk gets the Job, but not the kind you're thinking of

"I dunno...trying is the first step towards failing..."
- Homer Simpson

I guess getting 1 out 3 ain't bad for a weeks time.

After calling the Orbit Cafe three times yesterday, I finally got a hold of the manager and *bada bing* I was hired on as the new host. It makes me feel good that people I barely even know are willing to bring me on board to work with them. I guess it's just that feeling of acceptance, plus the fact that I got a job in an actual restaurant as opposed to a fast-food joint.

The last time that I felt this accepted is when I got the call from Micki that I had been chosen for Knock Your Socks Off. To this day, it still amazes me and for all the tough times it brings (though non of them are truly, to-the-bone horrible), I wouldn't have it any other way. About the last week in May I completed my second full length screenplay. It was docu-drama about my experiences in KYSOff. I included all the members of the troupe, our business managers, and various predominant figures from other groups around the Salt Lake area. It turned out really well. Just about everyone in KYSOff liked it, especially the new names I'd picked out for them or the way preceived there character which lead to how much of them I wanted to expose. The point of the movie -- if and when it is produced -- is to show the darker side of comedy. Once the strom has passed, leaving us in a dilapidated building structure, what says, "We still want to live here and make stuff up?" That was the objective I want to portray in the movie, but I believe the answer is more important.

In my opinion, it is the people that keep it together.

A team builder is scheduled for today, something I'm really looking forward to. It builds trust, strengthens our friendships, and allows us to feel more, oh, I don't know, accepted on stage by our fellow actors. Reflecting on this week, yeah it sucks that I didn't get the girl. Move on. It's going to happen one day, but not today. Yeah, I got the job. It is great to accepted once again. Almost like putting the improv high into reality...almost. And yeah, the Avalon I guess is a no go. I do, however, have another trick up my sleeve. I was wanting to see if I was to be hired before I made this move, but now I'm going to start pursuing it. Joe Rogan never e-mailed me back, so I got to move on. Present something to him maybe Tuesday or a week from today. For these people in my troupe, it's worth the risk of failure.

 

[Jarky]

In the end, everyone gets off a little...

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
- Steven Wright

In some ways, it feels that the nightmare is alive.

Last night made me feel a little awkward at our away show. Put aside the ten or so misquito bites each one of us endured and you will find other factors bringing down...well, it feel like just me. Normally we don't critique away shows, there's just too many things beyond our control. I should look over that last sentence again and end right there, but I'm not. It's been awhile since I've felt like I've not only had a bad show, but because particularly I screwed up. No, I did not make every mistake in the book last night. In fact, my game of columns with Jesse was very satisfying to the point where I wanted it to go into a harold. The rest just felt like I was trying to be funny, which I hate to feel, see, and then incorporate it into my performance.

The similarities between my return to school and last night's show were also interesting. After going to USC, getting in the university mode of learning, it seems childish to go back to high school. The people aren't as unique. The classes seem trite. It's a significant downgrade. Long form has been my main focus lately. Working to establish original ideas, pay attention, and build something entirely of my own. Doing an all short form show now is a little hard in lue of the restrictions. I don't know. The week before I had a great short form only (boo!) show. I risked the chance of failure last night, but I don't feel like I let anyone down in the troupe other than myself. Not ashamed of it, not proud of it either.

Other things bounced around in my head last night. JD leaving was perhaps the biggest. Yes, I'm jealous of her talent and opportunities, but I'm glad that her parole from Utah living has finally come up. She seems very happy to be on her way out and why shouldn't she? The beautiful city of Chicago, a college career waiting in anticipation, and the man she loves. I just feel that it reiterates my fears -- those stupid, adolescent, die-alone-as-a-virgin insecurities -- about nothing lasting forever. One day I'm just going to lose it all. At that point, I must take a step back to see who and what I still have. Going to Dee's (though, not freaky) last night with Austin and Jesse was a nice reminder that I will not be lost in a House of Leaves. It doesn't completely obliderate my sadness for seeing people like JD, Ryan, and others leave to accomplish their dreams. I guess, in many ways, I just want to tag along for the ride. They've all taught me things about myself and given me aspirations, that it's a harsh reality to live it on your own in the real, harsh reality of the world. I want to learn and be like these people so much that I doubt if I can once they turn the next page in their lives. Will I ever have as much stage presence as Ryan? Can I compete as quickly as JD? Do I have that out-going charm Jesse does? Will I ever reach the level of thinking outside the box that Austin does?

Probably not.

At the moment, that infuriates me. It always does when I can't categorize myself as someone. I know it's a good thing not to fit into a specific agenda or place, but it's nice to get a bank statement every month to let you know how your accounts are maintaing themselves. I would love to possess all the qualities my friends have that I don't. I know I do have an original take on many things. Not one type of porn satisfies all. We each have our little turn-ons that get us off. But do I, for the purpose of comedic improv, have anything to offer?

Yes, I have to be in possession of something. And yes, I had a bad show last night. And yes, I have to stop bitching, accept it, and move on to the next show. Get over it, Dirk. Occasionally flaccid's a good thing.

 

[Jarky]

Juice to Spare

"I've seen too much/I haven't seen enough."
- Radiohead

The past week has worn me out. Even though 18 is a mere week away, I don't feel like a young man anymore. I threw out my back today, I'm looking for bargain meals, and lately it seems my memory does not hit with a sharpness it's known for. This week must end soon. I need rest or some stability for a while. So what the hell am I doing up at quarter to two in the morning? Two reasons:

1) No school tomorrow
2) Great music that can only happen once in a youth-time

Over the past week I have seen three great musical performances. Monday consisted of Jack Johnson and Ben Harper. Tonight I had the distinct pleasure to observe the hypnotic power of Radiohead's music. It got me to thinking (first, that I should stop thinking. If I really want to results in improv the thinking has got to go. At the very least it happened off stage) that it must, somewhere down the line, drive the musicians nuts. Day after day of music you've written and practiced and then recorded and now must play again. How do you keep it fresh...playa? These amazing artists, do they hate what they've created? As much as I thought about it, I don't think they do. Obviously they love what they're doing or else they'd say screw it. Find something else to do. Every performance they display must have slight or significant variations to that of the last one. Keeping on your toes is always a good thing, no matter what that thing is. It is their own style mixed with the emotional complexity of their art which allows them the freedom to...dah-dut-dum...improvise.

So, folks, let's make things more neurotic on the old noggin. How do we, as improvisors, improvise on a method of raconteuring by that very name? The individual is what comes into play, acting as a functioning unit of the group. Of course, that's just my opinion; I could be wrong.

Perhaps I'm right. Not often, but it has been known to occur.

Jesse, when asked why he does improv, always gives the same answer. "I've done things in my life which I've been good or adiquate at, but improv is something I believe I have the potential to be great for..." Unfortunatly, though I wish my hopes were as high as his, I'm certain my destiny for potential greatness does not lie in improv. I do, however, know for certain that improv will be the one thing that defines me as a great __(fill in the blank)__ . Within my mentality and knowledge and experience exists a disproportionate chunk of clay made up of all these things mentioned above. Improv will be the craftsman that shapes the clay into something worthwhile. That's what music does for those who play it, helps them be better people. Once all is said and done, I know improv will have assisted me in becoming something, anything...what...I don't know. That, actual, reassures me I'm still young and have time. Sculptures don't get chiseled out of dull knifes, it takes a couple of sharp, anything-but-sexual, blows to carve it out of the hunk of nothing it formally was called.

I know enough about improv to draw a sketchy outline. I need to see more in order to smooth out the rough edges though. And believe me, they don't feel any rougher than this. What am I saying? Talking like I've been put into a rest home at the peak of my pornographic career. There still is something inside of me waitng to unleash itself -- overcome the internal obsticle in the dark. Ben Harper and Jack Johnson sing for a variety of social causes; Thom Yorke composes music to find the voice it sound like he so very much fears; me...I'm doing it out of young curiosity. A certain naiveness that forever pushes me. I felt like giving up this week, calling it quits. Wouldn't be the first time statements like this have exited my mouth. Not this time. This time I can't let go.

 

[Jarky]

Hardcore Septemberprov

"It's nice when you find out you can still suprise yourself. And you know what? It's never too late to start."
- American Beauty

"You tore that shit up!" The greatest compliment I can hear about improv. It's a saying the will commenly be heard coming from Austin, but he does not say it to just anyone about their stage time. Utilizing the most of your talent produces his catch phrase and it's one of the best sounds to have rattling in your head on the drive home. Yes, I did rip that shit up...big time. I found my second wind this week, coming from the place I least expected it too, yet should have seen all along.

Another person aiding me back on the made-up wagon was Ryan, true and wise to the last drop. He e-mailed me about some concerns I'd been having (if you've been reading the last few posts, you understand as well). What he said really stuck out, because just like Austin, I value what he has to say. I still feel like I can learn so much about improv from listening to my friends -- the people I truly admire doing it. Ryan's words helped in various aspects of life. School hasn't received an A+ in my book, but it's steadily adjusting to what I hoped it would be. Relationships sit on the shelves, not really gathering anything. Although JD has contacted me twice, keeping me in the know, and it's nice to know that even though she's happy where she is, their is still a place in her heart for me. Another plus, I guess, is just talking with a girl who I went out with at the beginning of the summer, but our schedules prevented any furthur dates later on. No hard feelings, we agreed, just the way the cookie crumbles.

Yeah, so what about improv, Jarky?!

Hold on, I'm getting to it.

Come back with me...back...back...whoa, not that far back. Saturday's workshop turned out a lot of things. I went back to taking risks, which was nice, and our focus went back to long form. Turn me on and call me Phillip, things appeared to be heading up. Fast forward to yet another away show and get this: It's practically for the same people we performed for at the lackluster Tuesday show. Wasn't terrible, though. The person who organized the functions was very impressed, giving her compliments in the highest regard. Plus, Scott created some great characters and I knew he was having fun. A pleasent reminder of why I'm here. I'm like Leonard Shelby from Memento; I've got reasons and wants to do improv, I just need a hell of a lot of reminders. Sometimes the shadows cover the stage lights, leading to undesireable emotions (again, see previous posts.) Then, last night's rehearsal came about. Since I got back from California, KYSOff has been throwing around the structure of a blind Harold...something I immediately caught on to and loved. Even more after last night where we as a group not only created a television theme song off the suggestion "Vice" for an opener, a highway traffic jam showdown for a game, and I was in a scene with Logan that, and I quote Austin, "tore shit up!" It was interesting that I should do a scene with Logan because moments before I had saddled up for an arguement that would go on for a long time. I shook it off and moved on, something I should have done last week and usually do after crummy performances. The scene in the blind harold was amazing. He was St. Peter and I was a G-Thug -- hold your breath -- trying to get in heaven. Pardon me for the cliche Family Feature Films' tagline, but "hilarity ensued!!!" Big time.

And I felt back in the game. Truth is I don't think I ever left, just needed to take a long, cold shower. I believe many people in KYSOff are feeling that right now. Micki mentioned something last night about quitting which I don't know if she'll do. Laine, whom I miss dearly, has not been at a KYSOff function since the team builder. I don't know what both are feeling...I can't. I just know that if they're somewhere they really want to be and are happy doing it, great. For me, I was there, but the party wasn't swinging for me. I needed a little help from Ryan and Austin to liquor me up on esteem...that's when beats started to drop and get-together got down! I'm extremely pumped for Septembrprov now. We still have no idea what exactly we're doing for the Landfill Martyr (interesting to have something for KYSOff planned, but not for...oh, forget it. Austin and I both agreed last night that whatever we do, it will kick ass. With him, Jesse, and Ryan how could it not. I feel like I'm getting a second chance at the DCM, one which I regret missing). It will kick ass though. The whole night is going to rock and to have this coincide with the week of my birthday, it's a mental overload. :exp:

Yeah, I know. At the moment I'm riding high, feeling on top of the improv world. And, yes, I'm not going to fall down so easily next time. I'm also aware that there will be a next time and like I just said, the fall will be hard as Dirk's...well, y'know...but I'm also aware that I can get back up. I ride the horse, not the other way around. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the race.

 

[Jarky]

18 Inches? Try 18 Years!

"When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half."
- Gracie Allen

Another year has passed, marking several important times in my life. I'm no longer underage so I can go into the Adult Only section of Blue Botique. Legally, I can have sex -- and guess what? There is already someone who wants to screw me: the army! In the midst of all this though, along with the ability to remove George Bush from office, this year marks my one year involvement with KYSOff. Something like that is very special to me and something I don't believe anyone, no matter how hard I try to convince them, will ever understand. Last year I had broken up with a girl at the end of summer. I saw Moby in concert, which kicked ass, but something I couldn't do every night. I was depressed with only a long, drudgerous junior year to look forward to. Happy birthday to me, indeed. Still, my friend Kendra, who was equally down in the dumps, convinced me we should go out. Do something, for chrissake! Both of us had taken a class with John Woodhouse, a local actor who had done a terrible movie called: She Lives By Night. Kendra had never seen it and I only witnessed the first half, but it seemed like a fun way to kill the blues. The movie was playing at Trolley Square Live, home to KYSOff and Quickwits. We were informed that since it was a Friday night, no movie would be playing. Quickwits started at 10:00, but we didn't want to wait that long. Let's give Knock Your Socks Off a try.

I was smitten. To hear the rest of the story, see my first post or wait until the feature film I wrote gets produced in ten years.

That's something I really want to have back. I know that you're not supposed to reflect on improv too much. It's constantly moving and if you slow down to recall the past all the time you'll have difficultly progressing. Last fall was a blast and I wasn't even in the troupe yet. Those long Saturday afternoons of blowing off homework, walking down the city streets littered in the autumn colors of dead leaves, and then playing chess in a near-by coffee shop with my friend Joel. And after that, the big climax (ew, not that kind. Think story wise...): The KYSOff workshop. Watching and performing and succeeding and failing in an environment that was so nurturing. Some people got fed up and left, feeling judged wrongly for their abilities, but compared to other aspects of show biz (and I use the term loosely) it was quite tame. I really want those days back, as well as the people who made it possible. Yet it's impossible at the moment, so let's move on. It's a new year full of fresh possibilities...starting with Septemberprov.

Talk about living in the moment, this was existing in a three-hour montage moment of sheer ecstacy. Upon Ryan's arrival and jumping right into supporting the group -- even though I'm certain some bad blood was floating around -- there was such beatiful energy. I thought it was great to see people like Shawna and Nicole, who've worked really hard, finding a stride that produced good results. I had an awesome monologue at the end of the workshop and did something I've never done before: have the monologue reflect my current mood. Austin also had a great monologue, one which I know took guts on his part, not only in telling it, but in what the monologue consisted of. I was proud of him and gave him a hug at the end. I feel, even though we were close before, I know my friend a whole lot better.

Showtime!

I have to admit, the start of Septemberprov was a bit slow. All of the performers are well adjusted to their craft, but something just seemed off. No matter. We were their support them and they'd show us more in the evening to come. Jesster and JoKyR was a really treat, along with Stevie & Co., Renegades of Spunk, and Lisary. KYSOff's Blind Harold was great (even if it didn't compare to the one we did Tuesday) with some great moments. I'm really digging that form (no pun intended, y'know with me being Dirk and all...). My scene with Joe Beatty was a little weird, but I was really happy with the way it turned out. At the last minute, Landfill Martyr added Troy and Stevie to the cast in an effort to change things up. It worked. With absolutely no plan, form, or preparation by way of rehearsal, we created a collage of funny, interesting scenes that, if they did not fully connect in a full circle, entertained the crowd in a way that really proved what long form was. It showed all of the performers dedication and love for improv, something I couldn't be more proud to be a part of. What I'm still trying to work my way through are my feelings on it. I felt nothing while on stage -- just flowed with the current of the group. Afterwards, it felt great, but normally on stage I feel the vibe. Maybe I was just so confident in my groups ability, along with my own, that it was cake. Something that was for us to enjoy later on and no matter what, we were getting are cake. So sit back, relax. Enjoy your stay. It's going to be a beautiful night. I didn't actually come to this conclusion at the show or even on the drive home. It was the next day when my grandma, who'd sat through the entire show (bless her heart), showed my parents the video tape she recorded of the pervious evening. Not one laugh. I don't know if they were tired or uninterested, but there was no emotional reaction. Like a scientist, I've confirmed some things about my parents. They don't realize that when bagels are moldy you throw them out, not write MOLDY on the bag they are in; they don't understand that if you turn the cable off, the TV stays on -- that's what that sound is; and they don't understand my love of improv. But their parents so I don't expect them to understand me fully. I'm glad that they support me and I have accepted their dislike for improv as much as my love for it. Not a bad gift on your birthday.

 

[Jarky]

Reproductive vs. Unproductive

"I hope that one day I can write something that some lesser person with a lower knowledge than I will quote."
- Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Nothing to do. Well, no I take that back. I'm just too lazy at the moment to do any of the things that need to get done. College applications. Calling about Sundance work. Finishing my book. Erasing my first sentence in this paragraph.

Last night Joe Rogan cancelled rehersal. That sucked, because at the moment I'm going through some teenage angst I'd like to vent in the form of improv. I feel that if I'm not producing new ideas or working on crafting semi-fresh ones that I end up creating the same concepts...which leads to me rationalizing in my own head that these are great, original ideas!!! Holy shit, nobody has ever thought of that before! Where the hell do you get this stuff, Jarky? Well...I just take it from my life. And like I said it feels as if nothing is going on lately. It hasn't been a week since Septemberprov and already I feel out of the game. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's just a fact of getting another year older. I don't know. What I do know is I want to, as Zach De La Rocha once said, "Ragin'/Rippin' up the stage and/Gonna sound amazen/Cause every line is made in..." His head would be my guess. Any time that I know I could be on stage and am not is a bad, bad time. Ophelia needs to get thy to a nunery. I need to get to where Ophelia is.

So far, I've heard nothing back from City Rep. Having performed there (that's where I took my baby steps on to the stage) I know they are not the most professional when it comes to the world theatre. Joe Rogan did a play with some big-time professional actor and jokingly asked if he had ever performed at City Rep. With a grimace on his face, he replied a stale, "...uh, yes." Forget the pros -- yes, we are improv and we'll perform, just give us the chance.

Actually, I have been productive lately, but something feels off. I think I'd feel better about the work -- namely a play I'm writing about a nice-guy's insecurities -- if I had something to fall back on to remind me why I keep doing this. Hear some dialogue to keep me in the game. Feel the essence of the stage. GOD, I WANT TO PERFORM!!! It's driving me nuts. Tomorrow, I'm going to take the bull by the horns though. For real. I'm going to go downtown and ask. Hey, that's how I got a job and I never thought I'd get one. For real. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to stress; I'm going to take charge. See, this journals productive. I just thought of that as I was writing. For real.

I did have a chance today to reflect on what improv in Utah has done and means to me, especially those involved in the long form agenda. If you want to call it an agenda...I was just trying to be creative and work my vocabulary engine. My godmother wanted me to do some work for her this afternoon: gardening, cleaning, and lifting heavy stuff. Chores always relax me because they give me time to think (DON'T THINK) and when they're done I feel productive. Anyway, this was the first time I had seen my godmother in a while. The rest of my family had brunch with her last Sunday, but I had work which prevented my attendance. Today she seemed weaker than I've ever seen her. It was the first time she has used an oxygen tank too and as far as I can remember she has always been old. One of the most sweetest people I know. Her late husband, who was a predominate figure at my synagogue, was a character. To this day people still talk about the contributions he made to our community. My noggin' started working and I thought how great it was that I'm pioneering something new -- one of the main players in the slow upbringing of long form comedy in Utah. True, there are six years I missed out on with KYSOff, but those years were built developing KYSOff's skill (still is. That's what I love about the troupe. The want to continue learning). But now we are spreading the wealth... of love...er, I mean knowledge. And some love too. Troupes in Ogden and Northern Utah are getting into the spirit and the fire, though still struggling to burn, is hotter than ever. Even when we are put on life support, having difficulty breathing, we keep going.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. Hey, every day is another chance to see if we got the gusto to perform in the world. I wonder if tomorrow my performance will get to performing. So sappy...God, I want to perform.

 

[Jarky]

+ Positively Negative -

"How am I'm gonna live my life if I'm positive?/Is it gonna be a negative?"
- Spearhead

Ups. Downs. All arounds.

All of these things seem to be floating around the improv community lately. I know for one that I've been a little down in the dumps. Things appear as though they are at a stand still. Stagnet. From the people I've been talking with and reading about it seems that all of this negative energy is being released from improvisers right now. I guess it has to happen because it can't stay locked up inside of people for ever. Interesting though that so many are feeling it all at once. When one person bombs on stage another improviser is laughing. Opposites. When we all bomb another troupe feels the aftermath. Okay, I could be talking just a lot of mystical crap, but I don't know.

Not everything has been bad actually.

Yesterday I had lunch with Erin. She, on one hand, is doing very well. Happy to be living in her own place away from Joe and Micki. I can understand where she is coming from. It's like having another set of parents to deal with. Last night, while trying to work, my brother and mother held one of their classic shouting matches. It ended once my father walked through the door and dinner was set out on the table. I said it last time, but I'll say it again: "God, I want to perform!" Improv (or any stage time for that matter) has always been therapy -- a way to cleanse myself. Even if I do horrible, advance a micro-inch, or completely screw up at least it is all out there for me to see. I can sift through the rubble later, happy I have a new goal for the next time. It's really frustrating not to be doing shows on a regular basis or see long form frequently. Missing rehersal this week was like a heroin addict being stood up by his dealer. I know I'm sounding negative, but it's trying to jump-start a positive thing. Right? That's what I keep telling myself anyways.

And California? What about California? Yes, I did take a break from improv then. Longed longingly for it, but at the same time I was indulging in freedom and building my writing skills. Actually, that's what I've been doing a to occupy my non-stage time, gone back to a well-polished love of mine: screen/play writing. I love stories, that's what it boils down to. I love to be taken on a journey outside my world for five minutes or two and a half hours. I love to tell stories too. One of my reasons for continuing in improv is to keep my creative resources plentiful. Stay in touch with dialogue. Renewing my abilities as a raconteur. I started writing a new stage play a week ago and it's almost finished, one of the fastest things I've written. And just today I was inspired for a new movie script, but that will take much longer I'm sure. (This new play would be great for Jady to have a role in. At the moment she's sick though. So is Ryan. Probably nothing to do with each other.) My only problem...not slowing down enough to edit my work. I'm a horrible speller, don't do well with grammar, and find it a pain in the ass to constantly go back. It makes me hate my work so I don't do it. All but one of my plays remains rough and unaltered from the time I finished. These are great stories, but no one wants to read jumbling garbage on the page.

In the end, I guess I should take this time to edit my improv skills. It's been awhile since I reviewed my notes. Might not hurt to brush some dust off and get back to some basics. I usually just get so caught up in what I'm doing I don't slow down to think about what it is that I do. That's when I get depressed because all my problems seem one massive blur. I think this will be good for me. I have to take some time just to go over what I know. New goals have been put into place, even if they aren't improv-on-stage-raise-stakes-keep-up -energy oriented! I got the number of the manager for the Tower. I'm going to call her next week when she gets back in town. And I have made an impression on City Rep. I went there yesterday after lunch with Erin. They had only a little time to talk so I need to go back, but it's a start. Not giving up. Not gonna do it...

Kind of weird to think about how all things right now, especially improv, are going around. Negative energy. Colds. Down time. Up time. I watched the movie Waking Life last night. It's a movie that talks about the human soul and our connections with one-another through our dreams. One thing kept in my mind, "Once the answers are out there, y'know, they can be tapped into by anyone. It's like we're all sharing this one brain that takes a little longer to process ideas." Damn if that doesn't sound like a group mind to me. And maybe that's just it. For improvisers, those who are aware of a group mind, they are able to sense and be aware of the same things. Then again, maybe I'm just rambling. I got a funny feeling that I may not be as much as I think I am.

Someone out there who wants to send me a telepathic message reaffirming what I just said, please do so at Jarky's noggin.

 

[Jarky]

Get screwed? Keep Going!

"Keaton always I said, 'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.'"
- The Usual Suspects

An interesting question was posed at the wee hours of the morning here in beautiful city of Salt Lake by the wonderfully inquisative Ryan:

Is KYSOff dying?

I sure hope not, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm know that techincally we are still together. This is not the first time this has happened to this particular troupe. Luke has been reassuring us about this for a couple of months now that these breaks are periodical. And since Luke has been around for some time and invested even more time into Knock Your Socks Off, I tend to believe him. Honest guy and has no reason to lie.

Doesn't mean that don't I fear that my team could, possibly fall apart.

I hate that it's looming over me. Even as I pursue new venues -- Tower said, "no" which is good because now we know we can't get it and can put more effort into getting City Rep -- I can't overcome the feeling that it's the people who originally made it an organization I was dying to be a part of who are leaving. Most are still around, but a couple have left to hunt down their improv addictions other places. Septemberprov made me realize how much I missed seeing Larry and Troy on a regular basis. And, yes, I miss Jady and Ryan as well, but I can understand that they are trying to reach personal goals that could only be obtained outside of Utah. I think the reason I really want to get back into a performance space is to see the people that make me happy. I want to make it worth it for Austin to come down to Salt Lake. I want people to see performers like Lisa, Emily, Luke, Spencer, and Jesse who each have something different to offer. I want that feeling that I didn't only grow as a peron, but I grew as part of something bigger than myself. And when you're Dirk Diggler, that's a pretty big self.

There was a meeting at the Orbit yesterday for employees to sample the new menu and greet to newly hired people. During the meeting my boss told us that your life should revolve around your job. It's your job that allows you to pay for movies, ski passes, vacations, and anything else you by. Well, I can't be satified with that unless my job is performing. That allows me to know that I have a unique ability and talent which lets me function as the person I am in the world. I agree and yet I don't.

To add salt to the cut on my improv body, last Saturday was a blast. We had all the regulars there -- even Alex, who now dons jeans and a Spongebob t-shirt as opposed to sweatpants. And even though some people left early, it felt right to have all those people there. There were a couple of scenes that were just priceless. Fabulous, absolutely fabulous! But then people went home. Or to perform with Quick Wits SLC. Or go any where but a KYSOff show.

Hmm...

Is KYSOff dying? Probably not. Is my love for it waning? Not really. Is it what it used to be in terms of quality for professional improv? Yes, very much so. Is it the same as when I first started? Miles from where I thought I'd be right now. *Sigh*

Micki is scheduling a business meeting though. We'll see what comes of that and City Rep later in the week.

 

[Jarky]

Ah, Good Times

"Never, never, never give up."
- Winston Churchill

My God, good stuff is happening. Very good stuff is happening. I'm sick, but that's beside the point. This week has proved the best lead into gettting KYSOff a new place. I haven't written in my journal because I've been too busy, I'm afraid of jinxing a potentially good thing...and then some.

Too busy.

Last Tuesday night, Scott brought up an interesting idea. In July, a production of MacBeth (or The Scottish Play) was performed at an art gallery called: The Old Utah Pickle Company. It's a kind of ghetto, very rough looking, and beautiful in its own kind of way. The point is: they have a stage. They are excited about helping new artists out. Everywhere else I tried, I got grimaces from the people. Are you kidding? We've never done that before. Yeah, no shit. That's why I'm bringing it to you. But the Pickle Co. (actually, their company is named Trasa) wanted to hear what I had to say. They want us to grow and they want to grow through us. I arranged a meeting between them, myself, and Joe Rogan yesterday. As I was showing Joe around, I saw some things that could potentially become a disadvantage. There is a pole in the middle of the stage which is somewhat distracting, but not to a point that you can't focus on the show (think DCM 2003). And there might be one or two times, if even that, which we might not be able to perform due to their prior engagments. To me that's okay. I guess the most surprising thing was that the grimace came from Joe this time when I told him a theatre company would sponsor us to get us back on the non-profit track. Scott's theatre company that he's working with right now, according to him, would help us in this area. Don't know if that's a complete go, but I have faith. Joe wants to talk with the company that put on MacBeth (who I actually talked to in an attempt to find the Pickle Co. and they were very helpful and outgoing) because he knows both of the people who run it. Again, I don't know if that will happen, but I'm praying...I really am. And there will *cross myself in a Star of David* hopefully be a meeting where we can discuss this and make a move. We need to make some kind of move. Staying dormant underground is not helping us while nobody makes a move. We need to make some kind of move. Yes, it's not completely consistant in its schedule, but at the moment I don't know of a place that is...or will be. Doesn't matter. I'm going to fight for this space. I hope I'll have some back up when the time comes.

Jinxing it.

I take you back about a month ago. I got the Avalon Theatre. I know now about the problems with it, but still...still...it's a place to perform. Have I mentioned how much I want to perform lately??? I think the last time that we felt we were a troupe...an actual troupe putting ourselves out there was when we did a morning live shot on KSL, Channel 5. Luke said, "I'm going to throw the baby bomb..." on live TV and afterwards Lisa, Jesse, Erin, Jady, Austin, and myself all went out to Dee's. Not the Freaky Dee's, like we normally do, but still Dee's. Crappy food. Worse service. But for the life of me and I don't know why...good times. Good times. I just remember us, cracking ourselves up. Jesse took shots at people. We got some good shots back at him. Erin made a tower of Bable out of empty cream containers. And I almost coked I was laughing so hard. We knew we were good and we knew now that other people had seen us. Why is a good thing not playing at the moment? It's complicated, but it's not over. I haven't heard a fat lady sing. Instead, I've heard a heart beating...the faint pulse of KYSOff. Stay with me now, don't die on me!!!

And then some.

For my birthday I was told that I was being able to go to New York. I was excited because I'm going to an open house at NYU, the Lettermen show, and I'm going to check out UCB and some other improv troupes. I guess the biggest thing about going to New York is that I get to see Lauren...the girl I took a risk with, should have taken a bigger one, and thought I had nothing in the end. She finally answered back to an e-mail of mine after we had some communication problems (she had a now defuncted e-mail of mine and just deleted the ones from my currently used one). It's cool because she's coming up from Boston to see me. She remembers what I said to her. And she owes me a dance (long story). I just find it funny and a little weird that my acting goals and personal goals presenting themselves in such a straight-forward manner at coinciding times. I'm getting offers for a play I wrote. I have an audition coming up. Work is going well. I'm staying on top of school, but the two biggest things I care about are...I won't jinx it. Not this time.

All I want is this fever to die on me and everything else to play the cliche Bee Gee's song. I'm not singing yet, but the song is stuck in my head. :angel:

 

[Jarky]

Coitus Interuptus

"I'm sorry to say it, dude, but that's a Cosby sweater...a COSBY SWEAT-AH!!!"
- High Fidelity

I was right. I was wrong. I at least I know where I stand at the moment. My predictions were correct in two ways: 1) Last night the issue of a space would be dealt with firmly 2) Joe would have no clear indication on how to proceed. I was wrong in hoping I wouldn't be right. One of the reasons that I've hesistated to move on to other troupes, activities, etc. and not leave KYSOff is because I do feel loyalities to the organization. I can't help it, but I do. Even though Ryan campagined for me in the beginning, it was ultimately up to Joe whether or not I join the troupe last year. He gave me a chance when he didn't need to, might not have wanted to, but nonetheless did. I couldn't see turning my back on him that quick and I still plan on turning my back completely. If it was not for his "yes" for me, I might not have the status or connections I currently do today. For that, I'm forever grateful.

Then I have this lingering sensation in my head that sometimes it feels like he's against us...not as people or performers, but in some other way. People have walked out of rehersals in the past because they felt his direction was a tug of war. But last night proved a lot of things. This is Joe's baby, according to Jesse, and he's right. Though we all feel dedicated to the troupe, in the end it will be up to Joe what happens with it. Comments similar to that helped me realize that I could move on, advance in improv and get stage time, without turning Arnold Benedict on Joe (something I never want to do). And although it's not the exact place that I'd like to be, I do, for once in a long time, know where I stand. Austin, Scott, and I are getting the ball rolling into future plans -- most likely including the Pickle Co. I would love it for Austin and his partners to expand Off the Wall to the Salt Lake Valley and have KYSOffers perform under that name while still rehearsing with KYSOff. I'm getting ahead of myself. Like Dee's afterwards, it's just talk so far...well, maybe a little more, but nothing tangible.

It just felt like time to make a move and a couple people have. Opinions were voiced and emotion was laid out -- I don't think I'm the only one standing their ground at the moment. Like I said, I wish it wasn't at those circumstances, but it's undeniable now.

And the improv scale moves and adjusts once more. I continues to crack me at how the artistic and business sides of improv constantly reflect on another. I enjoyed practice last night a lot! It was stuff we'd worked on at the Saturday workshop, but at least this time we were given the opportunity to play out games a little more. Spencer and I had a seen that was amazing and truly shows that he's capable of more than he thinks sometimes. The catch to the scene work is that we couldn't move. Couldn't get out of our chairs. Couldn't talk about our location or be doing an activity...just talking. Finding the games verbally. Sitting still...doing nothing. It felt like the situation with the space except in that situation you had to work around blocks. I felt I got a lot out of it though. Chaos happened in our tag out and Scenes Not Seen went a little flat, but I'll say this: it doesn't feel like I'm just letting things pass me by. I feel involved and dedicated and a part of something. I'm no longer the kid "who doesn't get it", but as someone who must deal with the frustrations of creating great stories and reaching to improv myself. I mean that in a variety of ways.

I still think continuing in improv is one of the smartest things I've done. It's helped in everyday life -- I just think quicker. I react faster to the world. I'm reading the history of Saturday Night Live, an excellent book by the way, and in a couple of interviews with the casts the name Del Close has appeared. Eddie Murphy, a great performer, didn't want to hear shit from Del Close because he felt he didn't need it. Other actors on the show didn't even know who he was! True, he hadn't been given all the credit he has today, god rest his soul, but when they are talking about improv and don't even want to learn it anymore, that's a dangerous thing, I believe. I think I can only do a few things my whole life and improv will be one of them. Where ever...with who ever...doing what ever. Can't stay in one place or you cease to learn, right. Sometimes I guess you got to say that the sweater looks bad, like one you ripped off from the Cosby set. In some weird way, it makes sense to me.

 

[Jarky]

Dirtyorn::Crude:Improv

"When masturbation's lost its fun, you're fuckin' lazy!"
- Green Day

Though only Joe Beatty, Joe Rogan, Scott, and myself showed up for a pretty mellow rehearsal last night, it got me thinking (as it often shouldn't, but quite frequently does): Does improv have to be crude?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Due to the lack of energy or the dearth of people last night, I found myself resorting more to swearing and sexual innuendo than I've done in any other previous night. I'm a fan of the American Pie series and I'm not a virgin, so to speak, in being sexually explicit on stage. For Christ's sake I once did a moment that couldn't be anyting but a blow job! It cracked a lot of people's shit up. Some of the funniest things I've seen have been alluding to the bedroom. I'm just not sure if that's a last resort to be funny or a trained improviser taking the safe way out. Reading this now with a view of Mo-Town in my eye I see things I normally would have no problem with. Huh... I wish I could handle things better when I've got other things on my mind.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

From the way it sounded last night, Joe is starting to do some work to getting us back in the light of show business (a small, small light, but a light nonetheless). That's a good thing. I still have my fingers crossed about him actually getting us a space, but there is hope. I've said it before & I'm stickin' to it.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The fall is setting in, the high holidays are almost concluded...it was about this time last year that I got into improv. I had a brief instant about a week ago where I thought about getting out. Not my first one, but certainly the first one I took seriously for a moment. Fall is my favorite season, not only because of the scenery, but due to the fact that I seem to change the most and grow as a person in the fall. Lots of stuff has been happening while improv stays still. I've got commissioned to write a play (extra cash); I'm getting paid more at work (more cash); and I'm leaving for New York in about a week where I will be given a second chance with someone I should have risked my feelings with what seems like a million years ago. I guess that moment I thought that improv didn't satisfy me anymore. But then the more I thought about it, it's consistancy for being there, the more I came to realize that I couldn't turn my back. I just might need to find another outlet for a while.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I also wish I could throw myself into improv more like some of my fellow improvisors. North Carolina sounded awesome (way to go Saint), but I had neither the time, nor the money. Who knows how much I could have grown or what I would have seen to rekindle my spark for the theatre sport? I don't know and I don't want to think about it. Right now I'm still changing and that might take a little while.

Fuck it...whatever it is. That's improv. I should just accept it, the nature of this beast.

 

[Jarky]

Caught Up In The Whole Moment of Porn

"I want you to hold me/I want your arms around me/I want you to hold me...baby..."
- The Violent Femmes

When I think of happy times or events that I wish would happen to make me happy it always involves the song American Music by the Violent Femmes. I see the people so vividly and clear through a grainy 16mm film strip as my past is rehashed on my mind's movie screen. I don't feel old or lonely...just happy that I have memories that mean so much too me.

A close friend of mine recently tried to kill herself. It scared me into happiness.

I want to live in the moment and have been this past week. A variety of good things are coming to the improv scene and my personal experience right now that it's overwhelming in joy. To even look back at my last post, thinking I was going to quite from something I love, back down after putting up a good fight and bell hadn't even sounded...can't do it. I don't think it would be considered professional suicide, but certainly a circuit of friends would no longer exist. I don't want that. My screenplay I wrote earlier this year chronicalling my trek through the improv jungle posed a big question at the end: why, after all the shit and frustration, do we keep on coming back to improv? The answer was supposed to be a sappy heart-felt moral compass, yet turned out to be very true. It's the people. Were it not for Scott, Emily, Laine, Austin, Joe Beatty, Luke, Spencer, Lisa, Jesse, and Troy and everyone else I would have quit a long time ago. It's stupid to make empty threats about killing yourself from the art because you can never entirely leave it. That's the reason I desperatly wanted to get a theatre going again in Salt Lake. Have it be worth the while for people, like Austin, to keep making the journey down to the valley. A good cause, in a way, for good people.

Austin has made more than a fair effort of getting this OTW thing going. After work on Thursday we gathered at Scott's new house for a meeting and things just got going. You could see it in people's eyes that they were interested, dedicated, determined. All of coming together out of mutual respect for one-another. Three weeks from today is when were looking on opening. If all goes well, we'll be sponsed by the Wasatch Theatre Company, perform for Trasa at the Old Pickle Company, and have some of the state's most professional (not to mention talented) improvisors coming together to progress the art. It's a time of change and rebirth and what's a better way to do it than this, huh? Tomorrow is Yom Kippur, a big confessional day for Jews, when we atone for all of our sins of the past year. I might have an insult to repent for or a thought to purge myself of, but I have no apologies to anyone because I feel if I did, I would not be in the position I am now. Just keep looking forward.

I felt born again last night.

Quick Wits Clearfield had me come up to perform last night. It was blast from start to finish -- I've gotten in a debate many times with someone if we should be performing at the minute. I say, "yes" and last night just sealed that belief. My editing time for the moment is over. It's time to get back into the game. Plays and movies aren't made to sit on a shelf, but be performed. Same goes for books, dance, poetry, and any other are that more or less performs. It was nice to have a chance to recollect my thoughts on the subject, but after QW show it feels right to be doing improv on a stage, in front of people. Working with new people is nice as well. Aside from Laine last night I had never really performed with anyone in the cast. JD (a man, not my friend Jady) had come to a couple of workshops for KYSOff, but other than that, no one. I was on JD and Dustin's team, which I'm so excited they put us together for. Dustin is also 18, the only other person I know doing improv "professionally" in Utah at that age, and kicks ass! I thought there was going to be a little bit of clashing, but we had a complete group mind running the entire night. He's got a great attitude as well which is just something I was continuing to see less and less of. I can't wait to go up on stage with him again.

Once our show was over, Laine and I shot over to OTW's performance. Both of us were sick to our stomachs, but we wanted more. Performance high will do that to you. OTW had a great show, minus a few snags. I loved watching the team Austin, Stevie, and Adam were on: The Three Amigos or Half Mexican + Half Mexican + Whitey = 1 Amigo and Whitey. They have great chemistry on stage, and yes, I do mean chemistry. :inlove: Once the show was over a general talk was given about OTW's expansion. Again, everyone seemed interested. We went out with everyone to Denny's afterwards. Steve and I were making each other crack up, about what, I can't remember, but he'll be great to work with more. It's the people, it really is. God bless and curse them all at once. It's community of people whether you like it or not. (What the hell do you think this resource center is anyways?)

I still feel great. I just got back from seeing my friend, who's doing as well as she can. Many things force us to live in the moment, but we never do until something really good or really bad happens. A weird chance of fate that both scenarios are occurring in my case.

I can't go forward or back.

I can't be overly happy or drastically melancholy.

I can just live and improvise as someone now.

 

[Jarky]

First came Lo Mien and Goin' Insane

"Oh my God! Do I look at the most beautiful women in the world or do I look at the craziest guy in the world?"
- David Cross

My destiny lies in New York. I can just feel the cultural inspiration and excitement dripping off the place like hot fudge hanging on the jowls of a sugar-high four year old. Hell, the place is a candy store for anyone who's young at heart. And one of the oddest aspects of it was that it feels like a place where I could, if I wanted, get a second chance at improv.

Let's break it down...G:

Friday: Arrive in New York late. Watch in horror as the cabbie attempted to show us how osmosis works between to colliding automobiles. I had to close my eyes and just hope I didn't die on the way to Brooklyn. Had some good pizza.

Saturday: Up early. Took the F-Train into the city for my open house at Tisch, the art school of NYU. Inside the dramatic writing part I nearly went into cardiac arrest over sheer joy of what they had to offer. My mother nearly did the same when they mentioned the price of tution alone. After the "official tour" my long time friend and playwrighting mentor Ian Finley took us on "his" tour, which only proded me furthur to putting down roots right then and there. End school, enter improv...sort of. My uncle and I went to the UCB Theatre, but they did not have improv that night. Instead it was a sketch show based on past improv scenes that had killed the audience. Unfortunatly, re-heated improv is just like re-fried beans after the digestion process...it stinks. Occasionally I saw someone talking a chance and addlibbing, but alas nothing can compare to freshly baked improv. Had some good Mexican food.

Sunday: Hey, it's my day with Lauren! No, it's not...no she wants to meet at Julia's house on Park Avenue. Okay...we can do this together. In fact, I'll walk from Houston Street to 96th & Park Avenue (about the lenght of the island) to see both of you. What? You mean we only get to see each other for two hours...and you don't really want to talk to me...and you don't want a hug good-bye...well, I made you this CD. Yeah, corny, but I think you'll like it. Okay, I'll see you later...maybe even this week...no, huh? Alright...I'll e-mail you. Haven't heard back from her in almost a week. Had a rank tuna sandwich at Grand Central Station.

Monday: SUNY Purchase tour. The place looks and feels like a mental institution. True, my mom's heart starts pumping again when she see's the price is half of that than NYU's. Too bad their writing program is not focused on film. And that the film school has you spend close to $20,000 a year on your own films -- money I don't have and would considerably do better to pay for NYU perhaps? Still apply, but kind of a disappointment. Felt that way all day. Train ride back made me want to kill my brother. Had some good Greek food.

Tuesday: Woke up at noon. Took my family to the zoo in Central Park. Sam had a fun time and my mom enjoy herself just watching Sam enjoy himself. It was nice to chill in the city with all the other Jews who were off for Sukkot. My uncle and I saw Kill Bill, Vol. 1. I liked it a lot, but I'll probably like it more when the next one is released. Had some good Italian.

Wednesday: Went to the Late Show with David Letterman. It was a lot of fun and it got my mom out to Time Square. Had some good potato salad at the Stage Deli.

Thursday: Spent most of the day at the Planetarium and Natural History Museum. Really cool Latin-American exhibits which put my learning into a visual form. I felt smart walking through the lonely halls. Afterwards, everyone went to Time Square for some good Chinese food. Our paths parted as my aunt and I went to see Avenue Q, the R-rated version of Sesame Street, and the rest of my family went home. The play was hilarious to the nth degree. Both of us wanted dessert once we got out and found ourselves in a bar on 9th Avenue. This was when the Yankee game was getting good. I don't usually get into sports, but with a New York crowd it was kind of hard not to. The place went crazy at Boone's home run. Had some good chocolate cake.

Friday: Spent most of the day in a nice coffee shop in Brooklyn. Finished two books and got my mother's birthday present. We had a small party so that Sam would feel included in my mother's celebration. We left and met my great-aunt and cousin at a great Italian bistrro. Out of this world risotto! We all a little wine and five minutes later found ourselves in Marie's Crisis Cafe -- a gay piano bar. For an hour and a half straight, er, kind of, we sang show tunes and watch each other exploded with laughter. My mom had a blast, even got her picture taken with two guys who went her husband . Never thought I'd do that with my mother, but there I was. Had some terrible Zenfindle.

Saturday: Last day and I was supposed to get together again with Julia. I wait for two hours and she didn't show. I only found out later that she forgot about a rehersal during the time we had planned on getting together. I'm not mad. I'm frustrated I didn't get to see someone again. I love the city. I love certain people in the city. Sometimes it feels...I don't even know. I have this wave of melancholy around me now. I miss the city. I miss the certain people. I wonder if this past week was a compressed version of what life would be like there, like this entry. Crazy, hectic, confusing, lovely, fast, and eccentric. Had one hell of a time and I'm looking forward to more.