Swaller'd Up

[BensonBelvedere]

I always thought the dreams I had about being an old man floating endlessly in a void of nothingness were odd, until one night when a cosmic giant devoured all existance.

In my dream I awoke to find myself in some sort of moist swamp land. It felt like I was walking on wet clay or a damp sponge. All around a seemingly endless pink colored marsh stretched as far as the eye could see. There was a peculiar stench like mold that lingered in the hot humid air.

I got to my feet and figuring one direction was as good as another I started walking. In my youth I was always very quick. I prided myself on my ability to walk briskly weaving in and out of the busy rush hour traffic in the subways. Here in this pink wasteland I was old, I'm not sure how old exactly, because there was never a mirror in the void for me to better gauge my age with. My hands were wrinkly and covered with old people spots so I figured at least 60 or 70.

After what felt like hours I collapsed to the pink ground below and decided to rest. My joints were on fire, and were very stiff. Maybe I have arthritis. I looked around as I caught my breath and it seemed as if I had made no real progress. All around was an expanse of spongy pink bleakness.

As often occurs when one is preoccupied with nothing, something sneaks up behind you. As the strange creature knocked me into consciousness all I could think as I was waking up into reality was of those gingivitus commercials with the stange hyper colored bacteria that get wiped out when the Listerine floods into the mouth.

Needless to say, when I woke up I brushed my teeth right away and used lots of mouth wash.

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Captured by Albinos

When I awakened in my dream I couldn't move. I looked down and saw I was bound by some sort of yellow seaweed looking rope. As my senses slowly came back to me I realized I was very high up above the ground and moving at a very rapid rate across the pink marshy expanse I had earlier endeavored to trek.

I was moving in great jerking leaps upon the back of a gigantic blue tube like worm. I was secured upon the hump of the creature by some sort of saddle that appeared to be made of porcelain only dingy in color. I could see the white backs of my captors seated upon the same saddle in front of me guiding the large tube creature toward some white cliffs far off in the distance.

As they saw me stirring and looking around, futily struggling against my bindings, one turned and spoke with a peculiar accent I had never heard, yet some how I understood him. "I am holding up six fingers." The man said. As he spoke I was stunned by several things all at once and couldn't muster an answer to save my life. The man was so light in skin tone that he was almost transparent, and were I to have seen him out of this context I would surely conclude him to be an albino, yet the rest of the party with him numbering a total of five were all of the same complexion so I assumed him to be of a race of albinos. His eyes were an eerie pink, yet betrayed a keen intellegence behind them. He spoke again, "I am holding up six fingers." The statement was true, yet this did not make it any easier to accept. The man had six fingers on each hand as did the rest of his kin. I also noticed he had a single gnarled horn growing from the left side of his forehead, and I would later learn a small tail grew beneath the tatered loin cloths the albinos wore, which extended from their spine. The albino again stated the number of digits he was holding up and it was only now that I realized his intention was to see if I was unharmed. "Yes I see that", I replied. He saw now that I understood and spoke again. "Yes you see that, and...?" Baffled again I spoke without thinking. "And, they're very white..." This satisified the strange white man and he turned around in the saddle and again faced the direction of the vast white cliffs we were fast apporaching. I would later discover that this strange race very rarely asked any questions among themselves. Questions were an uncomprehensible concept to them for the most part much like certain isolated native tribes have no concept of war. I soon learned they saw my questions as a sign of weakness, and only when I made direct statements of fact, would they even respond to me. It was also customary once a statement had been given to reply with a yes and, therby building upon the statment previously given by either further clarifying it or adding to it. It took some adjusting to get used to this odd way of conversing, but I soon grew accsutomed to it.

 

[gktkd]

Jamie, save your weirdness for tonight, son!

op:

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Entering The Tooth City

Though the large tube creature leapt and bound with great speed covering vast distances with each leap, the white cliffs our party aimed at took longer than I thought to reach. The closer we came the more massive they became. Until finally as we reached the base and our journey ended, I stared up at there tops and could see only a hazy cloud cover. There was no accurate way for me to tell how tall they really were, but they at the very least, rivaled the tallest skyscrappers of man. As I further studied them I realized they bore no resemblence to naturally occuring cliffs because they shot strait up at there base instead of the gentle carving of erosion that marked most cliffs I had seen. I thought at first that my Albino captors and there people had undertaken some massive endeavor to build these hulking masses, but they seemed to grow out of the pink spongy marsh organically. They stretched as far as the eye could see for miles and miles to my left and right, and there were gaps in between each of these massive white walls every few miles or so.

The great tube creature straitened itself, gently lowering us to the ground allowing the party to dismount. One of the Albinos stayed atop the creature and led it into the gap between the cliffs, where several of the creatures were kept and where they fed off of the bacteria that was growing there. The rest of the Albinos and I followed behind the beast and we came to a set of stairs carved into the ivory cliffs that climbed for miles up to the misty cloud cover above. My wonder at this marvelous site made me eager to advance to the top, and overshadowed any threat of danger I may have been in, as well as any health concerns the climb might pose for my aged body.

After the tenth strait flight of stairs my knees again began to burn and had not even fully recovered from the previous nights walk in the marsh. It became obvious that I was not going to make the hundreds of flights ahead of us. "Are we going all the way to the top?"I asked. None of the Albinos even flinched it was as if I hadn't spoken at all. "Could one of you young bucks help an old man out?" No reponse. "Damn it answer me. I'm not cut out for this. Old folks are the only god damned reason they invented esculaters." The talktive one who spoke to me before, without answering picked me up, and flung me over his shoulder like I was a sack of potatoes. "Now wait just damn minute." I protested "you can't just...." But I trailed off realizing that as silly as I might look, and as wild as the situation was, I had to roll along with it for my own sake. I was bound to break a hip or have a heart attack or some other mishap that usually befalls old folks.

So they climbed, and I rode. They passed me from shoulder to shoulder like a back pack when each got tired. I knew we were close when we entered the fog. The last leg of the journey I could not see anything but the Albino on whos shoulder I was slung. Eventually we poked through the cloud cover after what seemed like several hours and we reached the top of the stairs.

The Albino I was riding set me down and spun me around where I faced yet another marvel that surpassed anything I had ever seen. There before me was a vast city unlike any before. Shimmering white and bustling with the motion of thousands of Albino men, women and children along with fantastic creatures of varying shapes and sizes never heard of or dreamt of until now. The talktive Albino patted me on the back and half smiled at my obvious awe and said "We're going to take you to our leader now."

 

[Mo Nose]

Are you Hamlet?

 

[BensonBelvedere]

An Audience with the Emperor

As my milky white captors led me through the streets of there porcelain like city I couldn't help but notice how off kilter the streets were. We passed great towers built on declining slopes, and residential areas built upon random sharp inclines. It appeared as if they had a difficult time levelling off any of the landscape. The ground appeared to made from the same ivory material as the tube worms saddle, as the buildings all around me, and the same material as the knives each of the Albinos wore at there hip. Apparently they used this organic matter for just about everything they needed. I also noticed various tools made of the white material being used by other Albino workers as they led me through the city. I, of course was met with wide eyed stares as they paraded me around. In this place I was the freak.

We made our way slowly into the interior of the city, I again began to tire. It felt as though we'd walked 20 or 30 city blocks maybe more. I was determined to overcome my pain, because I did not want to meet the Albino ruler having been carried like a child by his subjects. In my mind I guess meeting him on my feet as a tired sweaty mess was more respectable.

The closer we came to what felt like the center of the city I noticed a steady decline in the street, and finally after turning one last corner I saw our destination. There was a grand collesium sunken down low in the direct center of the city. "This must be the place." I said to my captors not really expecting a respense and getting what I expected. They stared strait ahead as if they wore blinders on the sides of there heads and could not see me.

They marched me directly down the collesium steps into the center stage and stopped me right in front of what looked like box seats at a sporting arena. The seats were about 15 feet above us and shrouded in darkess. One of the Albinos produced a fist sized chunk of the bone like material from a sachel: it was carved into the shape of some kind of whistle or horn. He blew on the instrument and a loud resonating note echoed through the entire area. A glow suddenly sprang to life in the seats above us and I could see the movement of shadows. A small procession of Albinos entered the box seats above us and sat. I could now, thanks to the illumination, see that there was a row of seven chairs each ornately carved out of the bone material. The largest of the chairs placed in the center of the row had yet to be filled. I noticed that the other Albinos, sitting in the ornate chairs, were anxiously awaiting the arrivial of what I could only guess was their ruler. They were twitching and glancing behind them while we all waited for what seemed like fifteen or twenty minutes. Then I heard a wet dragging scrapping sound like someone hauling a heavy bag over a dirty rocky surface. This went on for another five minutes the sound drawing slightly closer with each repetition.

And then, just when everyone seemed like their nerves were the most on edge with anticipation, a digusting creature leapt out of nowhere and plopped himself down on the larger centered throne laughing unsettlingly like a mad man. It was hard to make out his features at first, he moved around like a spastic child with ADD. When he finally calmed and sat back in his chair I could see he was not young, but very old. He was oddly built compared to the other very slim atheletic looking Albinos. He had a large hunch back and thick gorilla like arms which made up the majority of his bulk. His legs were tiny and out of proportion to his body. One of his legs looked like it might have even been slightly shorter than the other. Upon his broad neanderthal brow he had two gnarled horns both to the right side of his head one growing upward the other at a forty-five degree angle. Even more frighteningly striking was that one of his eyes was the same eerie pink as his comrades but the other was an icy blue.

His whole being spoke of unbalance. His pressence seemed only to bring uneasiness and anxiety. He had not a shred of royal pressense signified most in his lack of a crown or any speck or regal regalia. The only peice of clothing he wore was a long tarter colored yellow robe which had a wet glistening shine like frog skin. The robe parted in the front when he sat which gave me an even more grotesque view from below as he sat in his thrown with his legs spread. I'm not sure if his anatomy was a further distortion of the other Albinos I'd already observed, or if they all bore this oddity, but I was not able to focus upon him at all without morbid fascination bordering on absoulute horror.

I would later learn his long drawn out entrance was apparently one of the many inane nonsensical pranks he would play upon his subjects. He looked me up and down as I tried not to look at him (or any party of him) and laughed again in the same mad hatter fashion he'd done before. "I'm even older than you are" he cackled at me. Not knowing quite what the appropriate response was, I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. The mad emperor looked me over again, this time with much agitation. There was dead air for about a minute before my talktive captor nudged me with his elbow in the ribs. The sharp pain made me yelp. "The emporer laughed and spoke again, "You look even older though." He giggled. This time the talktive ones eyes locked with mine, and I knew he expected me to speak as I had earlier. Without thinking I just blurted out the first thing on my mind. "Yes, and I still get a senior discount at the movies." It didn't really make much sense, but it sent the emporer into a convulsive burst of laughter. I count the movies too," said the emporer once he settled down again. "I count the movies on my finger." As he said this last bit he stared determinedly at the tip of his finger as if there were something there to count. I haven't seen that one, is it a foreign film?" I tried to joke, but I knew it was a stretch.

Like startled deer my Albino captors stepped back surrounding me and drawing there white blades. The six seated cheifs and the emperor leapt up from there seats in utter shock. The mad man redefined his further madness by fully frothing at the mouth and spitting at me. "You have offended the honor of the emperor" said my talkative friend. "What? What do you mean? What did I do?" But I only made it worse. Now the chiefs were spitting at me and the emporer looked as if he was going to have an anyerism (sp?). He was jumping up and down stomping on his thrown with all his might, until finally it broke beneath the onslaught and he tumbled to the ground. Temporarily his mad rage broke as he laughed at his own fall, but he quickly got to his feet before his cheifs, who rushed over to help him, could get him up. My captors grabbed me by the arms and began to drag me away. The last thing I heard before I was out of the collesium was the emperor yelling over and over again "combat, combat, combat."

Utterely confused and exhausted, they tossed me violently into a womb like cell near the opening of the collesium. I hit my head as I fell agaist the hard bone floor of the cell, and woke up right before my alarm went off. A minute later the radio blared telling me Bush was most likely the projected winner.

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Combat!

Was I dreaming I was an old man going senile, or was I taking part in someone else's dream of me as an old man in a confusing fantasy realm? I contemplated this and several other questions as I sat in my dark cell. At some point when I was awake in the real world, they had dropped a plate of food in the cell with me. I wasn't hungry, because I had eaten several hours before I went to bed. Out of boredom and curiosity, I nibbled on the food. There was a green cheese like chunk of something in a soup with chunks of a blubbery substance with little taste and the consistancy of gum.

When they finally came and took me from the cell, my body nearly refused to move. The bump on my head and my aching joints made my balance unsteady. They half drug me into the center of the collesium.

I couldn't tell if it was morning or evening. The perpetual dim twilight of this place was made only slightly more bright by a series of poles around the entire complex on which a glob of some kind of glow in the dark goo was slopped. Apparently whatever they had planned for me required them to dress the place up a little. I also immediatly noticed that the seats of the collesium were crammed full of onlookers. There had to be a million of them easily. Albino women, men and children of all shapes and sizes sat patiently awaiting my arrival.

The same gathering of chiefs and the mad emperor were already seated in there carved thrones as they postioned me in the center of the collesium. In addition a line of seven Albino warriors stood directly in front of me. My talkative friend was the only one I recognized. If the other six had been part of the party that captured me I couldn't tell, because they all looked mostly the same to me.

The chief seated above me in the farthest right hand throne rose up and began to speak to the crowd. "This one found roaming the waste of the tongue has offended the honor of Shub the Second mighty Emperor of the tooth cities and henceforth shall fight for his life in honorary combat with a champion of the emperors choosing."

The speech hit my ears like thunder and echoed throughout the collesium with acoustic perfection. So many things were wrong with the statement I was dumbstruck. My confusion was only furthered by the sudden cheerful humming which came from the audience. The mad Emperor, Shub was jumping up and down in his new throne like a monkey and slapping his hands down on the arm wrests. He stood up and the humming ceased immediatly. The seven warriors walked over to me and stood in a line on either side of me. Without hesitation, Emperor Shub pointed out my talkative friend. The other six warriors returned to there posts in front of the Emperor which left me and the talkative Albino alone in the center of the collesium.

He tossed down a knife at my feet, and then drew another from his hip. Everything seemed to happen so fast. My heart raced as my mind came up to speed realizing I was now in some serious gladitorial shit here. Flashes of dozens of movies where the hero was cought in similar situations played in my head freezing my actions. The crowd began to hum again. The mad Emperor wriggled in his seat with anticipation. The Albino across from me postioned his body in anticipation of attack, as I stood slack jawed, heart pounding, eyes vacant. "Pick up the knife old man." Said the warrior before me. Numbly I bent down and picked it up. As soon as it was in my hands he struck not with his blade but with a knee to my gut. Bright colors of pain danced across my vision as I collapsed to the collesium floor. The crowds bizarre humming cheer spiked.

I might have passed out right there, but the blow knocked some sense into me. It made me present within this situation I could not beleive. Dreams aren't supposed to hurt, but I was here in this place now and about to fight for my life. I would have to debate the logistics with myself if I lived to ponder it at a later date.

I got up. "Pick on someone your own age." I yelled at my attacker. In a private voice he spoke to me under his breath. "I don't want your death old man. I would much rather face the fool that rules us in this same arena, but you dishonored him with your strange speech and odd inflections." "There must be an older warrior I could fight. Lets at least make it fair." I pleaded.
The talktive Albino leapt forward with youthful speed grabbing me in a head lock. As he held me he spoke again. "Dishonor is met with dishonor in our tribe. I may dishonor you with a quick death because of my youth, but at least you will die with honor." Without responding I assumed the half horse stance, shifted his head lock off of my throat, rammed my hip into his and pivoted, which flipped him off of me and slammed him to the ground. I remembered some of the throws I learned in Kung fu. I was rusty, and maybe that bought me some time. I had also learned a little knife fighting during the brief time in college when I studied the martial arts. I might have had a chance if I were in my younger body, but even then this guy was cut. He looked like a pasty skinned Brad Pitt, and he moved with enough experience for me to know I was fucked.

He got to his feet and the sound of the humming crowd spiked again. The Albino warrior smiled and wiped a small drop of blood from his nose. "First blood is yours old man" It was my turn to ignore his comments. My adrenaline was up. I stood ready as I could be. I tried to replay old lessons with my Sifu in my head, and I realized there were a lot of gaps. I was so fucked. My hands remained steady, but my mind raced. Maybe I could just wake myself up. If he did kill me, would I really die, or would I just wake up? There was no reasoning it out. The whole situation was chaos. Only chaos could save me now.

He came at me fast. I tried to side step him, but he knicked me in the ribs. I had never been cut before it felt like my whole side was burning, but before I could even react to his first strike he struck again this time with a back handed slice across my cheek. I then realized he may be toying with me inorder to put on a good show for the crowd, or maybe as a favor to me, so I lasted more than three seconds against him. Now my face burned like a paper cut times one million.

He came at me again. My body just was not responding with the speed I had in my youth. I could think of the counter strikes and blocks, but couldn't pull them off. He struck like a snake. Now my back burned. Now my thigh. Now my bicep.

I could only kneel in front of him, he had successfully immobilized an already slow target with that last cut to the leg. It was like gimping a turtle for him. Through the burning pain I begged myself to wake up. I tried to will myself into unconsciousness and escape what had now become a nightmare. My attacker stood now about ten paces away from me. He could see he had won, but he was a showman. I was the bull and he was the bull fighter. I doubted the audience would throw roses, but it seemed like that was what he was waiting for. Then I saw his eyes shift over to where the Emperor sat. Without moving his head he could see the Emperor sitting there stupified like a child sitting to closely in front of a television. The Emperor caught the signal and winked at the talktive Albino whom I thought might have been the only ally I had since this whole thing began. This was the death stroke I could feel it coming. The Albino dashed towards me. It would all be over soon. I could see the tip of the bone blade as it met the flesh in front of my heart, and then stopped...!

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Combat II

Something stayed his hand. Like a tree falling in the woods a giant tentacle fell down from the heavons slamming into the box seats of all the chiefs and the mad mad Emperor Shub. Then another slammed down into the crowd sending Albino bodies flying into the air like strewn up dust. Then another fell and another. The sky above the arena was a thundering mass of tenticles and bodies lashing about. The masssive appendages banged and crashed into the surrounding building sending up white debris in all directions. A Buick sized hunk of a bone white tower squashed a small crowd of Albinos in front of me, and I snapped to attention again.

The Albino warrior, whose blade seconds before nearly cleaved my heart, grabbed me and tried to get me out of the death arena. As he moved me the maelstrom of tenticles moved after us. From the mass of death dealing limbs a black could as dark night spread out in front of us. It quickly erased the carnage all around us into a mist of blackness. My attacker turned savior continued in the direction he was dragging me despite not being able to see even the tip of his nose, when suddenly I heard a quick yelp and he was gone. I slipped to the ground, and began a sigh, but before I could even finish it, I was drawn up several hundred feet into the air.

The beast had me I was certain. I looked down to see I was above the black cloud which was beginning to dissipate revealing a completly leveled tooth city, and tiny ant sized Albinos running in all directions for dear life.

I turned to face the beast and saw for the first time it's gigantic saucer eyes. At first the eyes looked full of hatred and animal rage, but when the giant retina focused in upon me the giant squid seemed to lighten, and it winked at me. I was certain I had imagined even this. I was sure I was hallucinatiing the entire ordeal. Hallucinating within a dream. (what a concept). I had lost a fair amount of blood from my death duel what did I care if this creature of the sea floating in the air flung me to my death?

The massive tenticle reeled me in. It was useless to struggle the tenticle wrapped around the entire length of my body and I literally couldn't move a muscle. Finally I saw the massive beak of the monster, and as it opened its jaws and dropped me inside, I thought how close I had been in the frying pan only to be saved for the fire. With one massive gulp the beak closed around me and again I was in darkness.

However, I did not slide down a throat into a waiting pool of digestive juices. I was mearly seated inside a giant mouth, and to my complete and utter shock I could see a light at the end of a tunnel, so I followed it. As the light grew closer and brighter I could see the ground below me covered in wooden floor panels (?) Further up ahead still the floor was covered with a long red rug, and as my eyes traced the red carpet to its end, I saw it led to a door-a door inside a giant squid. When I came to the door I turned the knob and stepped inside to warmly decorated victorian era apartment like something strait out of a Sherlock Holmes novel. I almost expected to see Watson with a pipe by the fire palce as Holmes played the violen. I'm not even sure I would have be able to register the suprise. Anything seemed possible now. Instead I saw Mr. Peanut sitting in a little chair reading a tiny leather bound copy of the Great Gatzby and sipping on a martini. "It's about time you got here old chap. It hasn't been the same without you." said Mr. Peanut. I dropped like a stone to the expensive looking carpet landing face first. I'm sure I ruined it with all the blood that was pouring from my wounds, but the fall finally woke me up.

I bolted up and threw the covers off quickly feeling myself up. No knife wounds. No blood. All the same I ran to the shower. I felt dirty.

 

[kristy]

Jamie, is this your journal?

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Mr. Peanut and A giant flying squid

I felt sensations first. The feeling of soft flanel pajamas on my skin. Warmth. I was very comfortable. Then light flooded into my eyes like millions of tiny needles. Everything I saw was blurry. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, but the blurryness was slow to fade. I was in a large very soft cushiony bed which nearly enveloped me in its mattress and on top of me a mountain of covers nearly smothered me. I pushed them off of me when a sudden claustraphobia set in, and then sat up. Looking around me, I did not recognize the room I was in and my memory was foggy as to how I might have arrived there. I got up and on the floor in front of me I found a pair of black slippers that fit my feet perfectly. Above a beautifully carved oak dresser at the other end of the room I saw a mirror, and saw myself for the first time, or rather my reflection.

Memory came flooding back to me as I gazed into my own intense stare reflected back to me as an old man. I looked a little like the pictures of my grandpa. My fathers father. He died before I was born. My dad always said things I would do or interests I had reminded him of his Dad even though we never met. Genetically I suppose we were very similar if ended up looking like him in my old age. I ran my old fingers across a neat scar on my cheek. Whom ever had stiched it had done very delicate work.

"By jove you're awake, you're awake!" Cheered a tiny voice from behind me. I turned around in horror to see a tiny peanut with arms, legs and a face, not to mention a top hat, a monacle, and a cane. He was staring up at me expectantly, clearly happy to see me. "You gave us a jolly good scare mate. How do you feel?" said the peanut man. "You're a peanut!" was all I could say in response. "That's Mr. Peanut, and yes I am...at least the last time I checked." "What do you want with me?" I screamed at him. "Easy there Ben, what's all this then?" "Where am I?" I continued in a panicked tone. "Why don't you sit back down, I think you're awakening may be a bit premature. You took a right many lumps you did." I didn't move a muscle. I stared at him...right at his tiny peanut eyes. I wasn't about to play his game. He was going to play mine.

I took a breath, forced myself to be calm, but my heart was beating like drum. "Alright, where are we?" I asked, trying to sound forceful. "Bloody hell you've got amnesia. Bloody fucking brilliant! Now how are we supposed to meet with the Man Gog? He only likes you because of the fingers, the damned bloody finger thing! And you probably don't remember it." "Where the fuck are we?!" I yelled over him "Can you still do the finger thing?!" He yelled back. "You can't do it can you?...Perfect...Can you beleive this Squidy he's gone and lost his bloody marbles on us!" With that last remark the entire room shuddered with a low rumbling sound almost like a whale song. "You're right Squidy, you always are." Said Mr. Peanut in response to the sound." "Who are you talking to? That monster? We're inside of it aren't we-what is it?" "He's gone and forgotten about you too Squidy of all the rotten bloody luck." This time an even lower rumble of discontent sounded through the room like a tuba played in a cave. Apparently now the room was upset with me. "I just want some answers. I don't know who or what you guys are, and I don't know who you think I am, but I dont have amnesia. I know perfectly well who I am." I said challengingly. "Is that right." Mr. Peanut countered. "Well then, have at it." "I'm Jamie Littlejohn" After I said this he walked up closer to me, looked me square in the eye, and then extended his tiny little peanut hand. "Damn right you are, at least you haven't lost everything. My name's Peanut, Mr. Peanut pleased to make your aquaintense, sir." And with that he tipped his hat to me and bowed. "We're going to have to try and jog you're memory little by little until it comes back I s'pose, and hope you can fake it along the way." "But I already told you I don't have amnesia." "What ever you say gov'na" Another long low rumble, a pause, and then short rumble vibrated the room. "Oh yes, and this..." He said jesturing with a broad sweep around the entire room and beyond "...this is Squidy...the muscle, and the brains of our rag tag band of scoundrals, and as for you and me mate, we got the charm." It had already been a long day and I just woke up, I had no idea what to say, so I didn't. The tension was broken by the sound of a kettle blowing off in another room. "Spot of tea then?..." Mr. Peanut asked. "We've got us lot of recatching up to do."

 

[stevemw]

This should be a poll.

 

[Car]

I second Chris Kula.

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Gogs and Monsters

As we jetted though the murky darkness of what seemed like nowhere, I sat inside the giant flying squid and sipped some of the best tasting tea I ever had as Mr. Peanut told me just what a Man Gog is and why my so called lost memories were so damned important to him.

Long ago in another realm not so unlike our own, but different enough, a being of supreme power roamed a lifeless barren universe in search of purpose. The being called itself Gog, but would later be known as the Omni-gog to avoid confusion. The Omni-gog finally tired of it's endless search and decided to create it's own purpose. It began to gather up the floating asteroids and meteorites and occasionally snagged some passing comets smushing them all together until it had formed one solid plantoid. The Omni-gog did this seven more times and set each massive rock apart from the other. The Omni-gog then set out to bring the warmth and light of life to its creations. It reached inside of it's own chest and ripped out it's heart and set it in the center of the planetoids. With one giant breath it blew upon its heart which began to burn with a fire so hot and bright it could be seen from all ends of the universe. The planets began to rotate around the Omni-gogs blazing heart and slowly life began to grow upon there surfaces. The now heartless Omni-gog after such a momentous task needed to rest and so he landed upon the largest of the planets he made and went to sleep. The hole in it's chest where it's heart had once been began to bleed, but the Omni-gog was too tired to mend it's wound so went to sleep never to wake again. Meanwhile more and more blood flowed from the dying giant until it covered almost the entire surface of the planet. When finally the last drop dripped out the lifeless body the Omni-gog floated in a sea of blood, and began to break into peices. The head of the Omni-gog floated up into the sky and formed into the Bird Gog. The legs and feet of the Omni-gog floated to the bottom of the new sea and became the Fish Gog. The torso and hands of the Omni-gog stayed upon the remaining land and became the Mammal gog, the lizard gog, and the insect gog. These gogs or demi-gogs ruled the new world and spread life where ever they ventured, but without the heart of the Omni-gog inside them, only shining down upon them, the demi-gogs where prone to endless violence among themselves and they passed this along to all there children. This struggle for dominance abruptly ended when the Demi-gogs met upon the highest mountain on the planet in an attempt to make peace. Vaguely remembering their own births the Demi-gogs devised a competition unlike any other as a way to decide who ruled the planet. Each Demi-gog ripped themselves apart and became an even lesser gog. Each lesser gog was compossed of a part of what made up a Demi-gog. For example: the lizard Gog tore itself into a alligator gog, a turtle gog, and so on, the Mammal gog seperated into a gorilla gog, and lion gog and so on. Each of these parts was then scattered around the globe, and then set off to hunt the others. When two gogs met they had to face off to the death. Each had different strengths and weaknesses, but only one could win each battle. The winner then must eat the remains of the it's fallen foe, thus recombining itself back into a Demi-gog with each win or lose. The winner would then control the balance of power. So lets say if the alligator ends up devouring all the other lesser lizard gogs it takes there strengths and powers and then becomes the new lizard Demi-gog. If the Alligator is an evil gog, the Lizard gog becomes an evil gog, if the Alligator gog if kind, then the lizard gog becomes kind. In this way the fate of the Gogs and the world was balanced.

"So your telling me theres a Man-gog that came out of some Mammal Demi-gog?" I asked my nutty companion. But he didn't answer he was staring out the giant eye of the squid which from our perspective was a giant window we could see out of.

"We're here" Was all he said. I guessed I would have to wait to hear the rest of the story from the source.

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Oh, my Gog!

The giant squid slowly lowered down to the surface as I pondered the story I had just heard. Below where enormous intertwining trees like a rain forrest spread for acres and acres arcoss the landscape.

I always believed there to be some truth hidden in the myths I heard growing up, that's why I was so fascinated by all the great epics and even the tiniest fables I heard. The prospect of meeting an actual creature from a myth was unsettling and exhilerating at the same time.

The Squid finally touched down. First spreading it's long limbs out for suppport and then lowering us down so it's mouth was at ground level to let us out.

I smelled the air as I stepped out of the giant beak. It smelled fresher than the tongue waste by far, but there was a kind of rancid sulpherous smell on the wind. The light much like the waste was also a constant twlight without a source. The gnarled limbs of the jungle cast forboding shadows all around us.

Mr. Peanut scurried up and perched on my shoulder so fast I almost swatted him off thinking he was some sort of bug or rodent, but then I relaxed, realizing he probably just didn't want to get stepped on.

"Head over where those trees part. There's a trail." He said anxiously. I started to walk and then turned my head around to look for the Squid. "Is Squiddy coming, because...." but then I stopped because the giant beast was gone. The creature floated above my head and had some how shrunk from the size of a large house to the size of a horse. "Christ what can't he do?" I said surprised. "You would be surprised. This chap can impress the hell out of the ladies if you catch my drift. He's better than a puppy or a baby even. I can't tell you how many times...." Said Mr. P., but then I cut him off to ask "So you can actually have sex right?" "Oh piss off." Start walking you dirty old man." He said pointing to the trail with his tiny cane. "It seems like a resonable queston to me." "Another bloody time I'll be more than happy to explain how babies are made gramps, but we had better get going, these forrests are as wild as they come, you get me?" He said cleverly changing the subject. So the three us started walking toward the trail (or should I say I walked, Mr. Peanut rode my shoulder, and the squid floated after us.)

When we came to the trail head I let Squiddy go first, because he pulled another trick out of his ass by lighting his eyes up an eerie flourescent green to light the path ahead of us. "I'd show you my nuts if you wanted to see them" I said refusing to let the issue drop. "Oh come off it!" Mr. Peanut barked. "I'm just saying you're a tiny peanut man. I gotta know." "Fine. When we're done here I'll show you some naughty picture books I have stashed away in my room in Squiddys living compartment." Said Mr. P. "Holy Shit! You have peanut porn! No fucking way." I shouted. "Keep it down old chap. It's not like you don't still twist the wicket every now and again." he said. "Yeah, but peanut porn...wow..." I said, my imagination running wild. Mr.P tried to change the subject at every turn as we walked the trail, but I persisted. I couldn't help but give him a hard time.

I was just starting to feel comfortable in this surreal situation when I noticed the green light ahead of was gone and so was Squiddy. Now I was alone in the dark with a little peanut man on my shoulder. I could see nothing, but suddenly heard trees and brush breaking and cracking as something large came lumbering through the woods strait for us. All I could think to do was run....

 

[Mo Nose]

Hamlet?

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Clash in the woods

With what little light there was I could see the outlines of two forms wrestling with each other in a mass of claws, flesh, hair, and limbs. Tree branches the size of most normal trees I'd known were falling like rain amidst dirt, dead leaves and all the dust the combatants were kicking up.

Mr. Peanut still clung to my shoulder, only now for dear life as I ran. Where was Squiddy when you needed him? My lungs burned as I made it just barily back to the clearing we started at. A fractured tree limb fell inches behind me leaving a long scratch down my back slicing through my shirt and flesh. I collapsed to the ground just missing being decapitated by the battling titans as they flew out of the woods sending wooden shrapnel with then. The pair landed twenty feet ahead of me pushing each other away only to launch right back at it.

I could now see more clearly the two battling beasts in the forever twilight of this place. One was a large man nearly twelve or thirteen feet tall. He held a large stone dagger in his massive fist and was madly slashing at what at first glance looked like a giant armadillo, but then shifted like it was made of mercury and was a large mongoose which allowed it to snake around the flashing strikes of the man. The Mongoose then shifted to a large wolverine or badger if I knew my rodents correctly, and then it leapt for the throat of the giant man. The man caught the beast and the two wrestled again like two exhausted boxers during round eleven. Suddenly they were blanketed by an intense green light and pulled apart by two massive tenticles. The man was gently placed to the ground, and the giant rodent was slammed down like wrecking ball into the ground with enough force that a small crater was made. The squashed ball of hair and flesh then began to shift, but Squiddy flicked one of his two longer tenticles, which had a large hooking claw, (used by real squids to hook into prey I think) it flew like a bullwhip landing in the rodent monsters shifting head. Out of no where the giant man beasts great stone blade sliced off the head. The man had moved so fast and silently once Squiddy set him down I hadn't even detected him. The head flew and then skipped across the ground like a stone on water eventually landing a hundred yards off. Squiddy Bolted afters it. The Mans blade had not stopped moving after its first strike. He was hacking at the giant rodents remains delimbing it. He then slit it from belly to neck and began gutting it. His frantic psychopath butchery didn't stop until he pulled the heart from the beast and held it having to use both his huge hands. Like a starving cannibal he plunged his mouth into the heart and tore out an enormous bite. The heart was finsihed in this manner in a matter minutes. I was further treated to watching the now blood soaked giant gorge himself on the rodents forelimb.

Hours passed and I had long since lost interest in the gory feast. Squiddy had come back with the head just as the Man was finishing with a bit of hind limb and liver. The savage looked as delighted as a kid receiving a carmel apple, he promptly smashed it open and bit into the brain.

A procession of green skinned people with long deer like ears had made there way out from the trail little by little once the violence had died down. Through Mr. P's translation, I was able to understand them. They were a humble native tribe that worshipped the Man-gog, and saught to aid him in his quest. They called themselves Unoans, and called this forrest Unos. Apparently the Rodent-gog had ambushed the Man-gog in the middle of a tribal wedding cermony. The tribe now waited watching the Man-gog's eating orgy, because they saught his blessing to complete the ceromony. I sat inside Squiddy's living compartment on a chair in the kitchen as Mr. Peanut once again stiched me up. Once I'd learned he had done my face earlier I insisted he take care of my back. It wasn't that deep, but with his tiny stiching it might not even scar.

I stepped out of Squiddy's beak buttoning up a fresh shirt. Apparently I had a whole wardrobe inside Squiddy. The shirt wasn't exactly my style but it fit and it felt like it was made from a very strong wool, but was much lighter.

I glanced over to the the Man-gog finishing his last bits of Rodent-gog, when we locked eyes he quickly chewed and swallowed and ran over to me. "My old friend!" He boomed. "Come let me take you back to the village" With the same animal speed I'd seen before he grabbed me and leapt twenty feet into the air, where suddenly a pair of giant black bat wings exploded from his back, and we flew strait up. I blacked out, just as Mr. P called after me saying he and Sqiddy would meet us there.

I rose covered in sweat and ran to the shower. I stared in the mirror for a quick beat and realized I needed to give myself a hair cut. I went and got my clippers from my room, put on the 1/4th inch guard and buzzed away. When I was done, I took off the guard and began to clean the clippers. I then noticed a little patch of hair in the front I missed. Without thinking I turned on the clippers again and buzzed it, not realizing I'd taken off the guard. Shit! Maybe nobody would notice. I contempted wearing hats for a few weeks, but then buzzed the rest. Shit! I'm going to have to go to the Honk show and perform like this.

 

[BensonBelvedere]

Wedding drums

Waking up in strange situations was now becoming old hat. I seemed to be inside of a wooden room. I poked my head out of a door sized ovular opening covered by a giant leaf the size of a beach towel. I entered into another larger wooden room to see a family of the green skinned natives perched on various tree limbs growing out the walls. They were eating a meal that to me smelled like breakfast. The sweet maple syrup smell was coming from the hot drink they sipped out of small red gourde rinds. They offered me a cup as I stumbled further into the room trying to wake myself up. A few sips of the sweet drink and I felt completely revitialized. This shit was better than coffee. I would later learn the effects lasted all day and didn't burn you out like caffine can.

After feasting on some flattened blue fruit they gave me that tasted like bacon, they led me out of there tree dwelling and into the heart of there village. It was reminiscent of the Ewok village in Star Wars, but was more organic. Nothing was cut down, or nailed on. It appeared as if the entire place grew there just for them.

In the center of the village a bon fire was blazing. Sitting in an old stump that had been fashioned into a chair sat the Man-gog. I hadn't noticed the cat like shimmers in his eyes when I'd seen him before, although I had been running for dear life during most of it. Perhaps it was a part of what he'd become since eating the Rodent-gog. If the myth was true it was now a part of him. Equally as striking was the large mane of a hairdo the Man-gog sported. The hair leapt out his head and flowed down his shoulders and back like a water fall. It seemed a mix of several different colors of hair. Flecks of orange, brown, black and blond gave him a calico like appearance. The ressemblance to a lions mane was made even more obvious with the large mutton chops on the sides of his head that would make Glen Danzig jealous. The blood from the battle and from the bloody feast had been cleaned off of him and he sat their with a the grim look and a heavy brow, as if thinking was physically hurting him.

When he saw me. He bolted up from his makeshift throne and with a deep booming voice called for me to join him by the fire. As soon as I was in arms length of him, he grabbed me and pulled me to his massive chest and hugged me like much loved stuffed animal. I felt like I might die right their, his hug was like a pythons and so much blood rushed into my face I thought my eyes would bleed. Finally he set me down and told me how good it was for him to see me. I wondered as I stared at him. He had a much darker complexion than I did. A mocha to my pale cream, but he had five fingers and toes, and for all intents and purposes he and I looked more alike than did he and anyone else here (beisdes his massive height and size that is). Compared to the green skinned natives around us, I must look like a brother to him. Maybe this was why he was so happy to see me.

After filling him in on my adventure with the Albinos he asked me to make shadow puppets for him. He gestured to a nearby tree that was very wide and would make a good back drop because the fire was already casting our shadows on it. I almost just starting doing it without thinking, but then caught myself. "Huh?" I asked even though I heard him perfectly well. "Make the shapes with your fingers. It always makes me laugh. You have a great skill at it." he insisted.

"I do?" I asked myself. Just then from above us Squiddy lowered down, and floated beside me. Mr. Peanut hopped out of his mouth and landed on my shoulder. "Just do the animals you did for him before." Mr. P whispered to my ear.

I stood up and asked the Man-gog to excuse me one second, telling him I'd had too much of that maple stuff to drink, he seemd to understand and let me go. Once I was sure I was out of ear shot, I asked Mr. P what the hell was going on. He told me that during one of our many adventures which I didn't remember, I was goofing around by the fire making shadow puppets for he and Squiddy and these rabbit women we had picked up. We were all pissed out our minds and laughing so loud we could probably be heard for miles. All of the sudden out of nowhere we hear a big deep laugh from a tree behind us. The Man-gog falls out a tree he was sitting on while spying on his, because he was laughing so hard. At the sight of him the rabbit girls scurry off, Squiddy gets ready for a fight, and me and Mr. P apparently sober up it a matter of seconds. After the Man-gog calms down he sits down and thanks us for the laugh and tells us his whole story which explains why he probably hasn't laughed for so long. It was that night we vowed to help him, mostly out of fear that he would gut us and eat us raw if we didn't. Eventually after a few adventures with him we all got to be good friends, and every time we see him I apparently do the crazy shadow puppet rountine.

"Well I dont know how to do that." I pleaded. Mr. P just told me to fake it and do the best I could. "Just act like to know what your doing" He coached. "Maybe he wont notice and he'll think you have a whole new rountine." Relunctantly, I walked back to the giant Man-gog man child and went to it. First I did a bunny, then an aligator, and so on... Despite this the Man-gog was busting his gut laughing. I didn't get why, but it made me more confident so I improvised some other random stuff and after I jumbled my hands in a random shape I would tell him what it was. It was kind of like a rorshack test (sp?) but with my fingers. Either way he ate it up. He motioned to some of the natives and they brought us some more gords filled this time with a very stong liquer kind of like Gin, but a thousand times more pine like in taste. Mr. P and Squiddy joined us, and I started laughing as Squiddy downed gorde after gorde. Maybe it was the liquer, but seeing a giant floating squid vessel getting plowed was priceless.

Seemingly waiting in the wings, the Natives joined us (all of them) There had to be close to a thousand of them. As we drank they began chanting and dancing and broke out some drums. A couple sat by the fire next to us. They were doing the damned wedding ceremony right now? I couldn't beleive it. The Man-gog feeling in a great mood now, rose up mumbled a few words and then sat right back down. The couple started kissing, and I was about to say is that all, when they began undressing each other. I got up and whispered to Mr. P on my shoulder, but he shooshed me and whispered for me to sit down and not be rude.

So we watched the young couple screw each others brains out by the bon fire. I tried not to stare, but I couldn't help sneaking a peak every few minutes. The rest of the tribe, the Man-gog, Mr. P and Squiddy acted like it was nothing out of the ordinary, and I had to laugh, because considering my current company and where I was, it was just about the most ordinary thing there was.

 

[Maddy]

Why?

 

[Fretty]

 

[gktkd]

The best part about that picture is the resemblance to Sir Belvedere, especially the perfectly symmetrical face!