Suicide Letters to Brandon

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well, today was better, I guess, so I'm glad I stuck around to see it. I wouldn't have done anything yesterday, but I was so sad. It's the weirdest thing. I welcomed that sadness like an old friend. I wrapped it around me and basked in the pain and darkness. I need to cry and let some of this hurt out, but alas, I cannot. I am not really upset anymore, just lost and confused. Hurt with the desire to hurt. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just picked the razor back up. Sometimes I yearn for the blood to come to the surface as a reminder that I am real. I feel safer in this world of misery than I do in the one of happiness that I've forced myself to create. At least in the dark, I don't have to see the looks on people's faces. I don't have to deal with things. I can just sit in the pitch black and let the world turn without me. *sigh*

I know that this kind of talk is counterproductive and will eventually lead me into relapse, thus winding me back in the hospital. What a vicious cycle. I'm really not that unhappy with things, I just feel safer being sad because at least then I know what to expect. I'm sad, I cry, I cut, I OD. It's a routine that I followed for a couple of months and began to dote on. I need routine, and this existence isn't offering me any kind of stability. Everything is so confusing and painful. At least when I was sad all the time, being hurt by Kyle wouldn't have been so hard to handle. I could've taken it in stride and added it to my unending list of problems.

I know that you probably think that I'm blowing the Kyle thing out of proportion, but I don't think I am. It's not as if I said that I wanted to kill him, maim him, or spread nasty rumors about his sexuality. I just said that I hoped he felt bad, and is that so wrong? I mean, if he really cares about me as much as he says, I would hope that he would feel a little bad about leading me on (again.) I just can't take this feeling of being lied to. I have had two major guys in my life before Kyle, and neither of those experiences were good ones. In fact, they were both horrible, and even traumatizing. I think I'm getting better about it, but it's a little hard to trust people after they break trust. Even when it's over so small a thing as a kiss.

I am getting a little sad writing about all of this, so I'm going to go take some sleeping pills and go to bed. Sleep is always the answer to feeling bad. Things always seem better after great sleep. So, with that, I bid you goodnight, dear Brandon, and good dreams.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Haven't written in a while, because I've been sad and struggling. I don't want to relapse, so I'm fighting with every ounce of strength that I posess. It's been really hard at times, but I'm trying. I need to find a way to get over Kyle again, I think, because I was starting to and somewhere in the mix I fell back in love or like or whatever with him. Now it's a lot harder to let go than the first time. Everything seems to remind me of everything that's happened. Shit.

I am doing pretty well with my family lately, which is great. We have been eating together, talking together, and getting along really well. I feel a bit sad though, because I imagine that they're going to get divorced when I graduate. That would be terrible, I guess but not if it makes them happy. I'd still be sad.

I wrote my brother the other day, and I hope he's doing well. He sounds like he's getting better with everything, and that's great. I can't wait to see him at the end of August. His quasi girlfriend Andi may be going with us. I don't get the two of them. Officially, they're broken up, but emotionally they're still together. It's cool.

Well, I'm going to go now, because there's a guy on the phone. Yay. I'll write back later. Wish me luck.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Hello again. To begin, the guy on the phone was Paul, (not my brother) a friend's boyfriend. Well, that's a very odd word for what they are. They met in a chat room and have been writing, talking on the phone, and they just met each other last week. For the first time. I don't understand how that can be considered "dating." I understand that they have feelings for each other, but the fact that she met him on the internet makes me very skeptical.

He called me the other day and we talked about things. General things mostly, but a few personal things. It's very easy to talk to him and he's extremely intelligent from what I've heard. I think it's a shame when he says he's dropping out of school. I hate it when people throw away their potential because they don't want to work for their dreams. Sad. Anyway, he's from New England and he has a very very sexy accent. He sounds a lot like CT from The Real World Paris. It's fantastic.

Speaking of England (well, not entirely, but you know what I mean) I miss it. Kyle has always missed it and he vocalizes it all the time. I've been here for three years and I've really just started missing it like crazy.

I miss the rainy windy weather. I miss going to London to see plays. I miss Les Mis and Phantom of the Opera. I miss fish and chips made British style. I miss my friend Felicity who taught me how to dance and be happy. I miss the poppies that grew in our front yard. I miss football (well, soccer to you.) I used to play and I got to be pretty good. Here, it's too Goddamn hot to play. I miss the snow we got there. It only came maybe once or twice a year and it melted pretty quickly, but when it stuck, everyone appreciated it. I miss going to church with my mother on Christmas Eve. I miss Christmas as a family. I miss how close we all were then. England brought us together and since we've left, we've fallen apart. I miss Italy, Scotland, France, Germany, Holland, Belgium, Italy, and most of all I miss England.

I remember going to the village of Huntingdon with my friends and buying gel pens, because they were the biggest thing then. We worked so hard to earn a few pounds from our parents and then we'd blow it all on pens and ice cream. Those were the best times of my childhood. God, how I miss it.

Oh well, I'll go back someday. Maybe I will see if Kyle wants to come with me. It would be fun, to see where he lived, where I lived and places we've both been to. That would be great. Well, I'm feeling very nostalgic right now, so I'm going to go take a shower and whatnot. I got my hair done yesterday and it looked great. I slept on it and now it's very bad. I have to see if I can redo it today, so I bid you fafewell for now, dear Brandon.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I look good to me. I smell nice (having just showered.) My teeth are being straightened as we speak. Why do I feel so ugly and dirty and bad? "Dr. Dennis" calls it breakthrough depression. I don't know, I just want it to go away. I want to be happy. See, this isn't like before when I just wanted to kill myself. This is different. I want to stop being sad. I want to stop hurting on the inside.

Part of me wants to cut. A lot of me does. I'm fighting it, but for how long? It's not like it's so easy just to not do it. Any alcoholic or druggie knows what it's like to be addicted to something. I want to do it, because I feel good when I do it. I feel good. The blood, the adrenalin, the headiness. I miss it. God how I miss it.

I am not liked. It's not a whiny statement, just a fact. I know that I am not liked. Kyle thinks I'm a whiny overcontrolling whacko. My friends (well, my "friends") think that I'm something to treat with special care as if I might break. They walk on eggshells, yet talk about me to each other. I would say that I don't care about any of this, but obviously I do or I wouldn't have brought it up. I just want things to go back. I do.

I miss the times when I could hang out with my friends and hold onto Kyle and be proud to be his girlfriend. I used to feel so good because he loved me. I guess it was enough to have his love, even though I didn't have my own. I miss everything. I really just want to slip back into the fog and forget about it all.

Dark reality. Comforting quilt of sadness. Haze of nothingness. At least there, I don't have to think about trying to be happy. I don't have to think about the fact that I can't get over Kyle. I don't have to worry about anyone. I don't have to feel. I can just die on the inside and let my empty shell remain as whitness to my overwhelming sorrow. I'm going to go be sad by myself somewhere. Hope and pray that I don't do anything bad.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Dear Boy:

I don't know you, yet, and I have no idea where you are, but I'm waiting for you. I'll know you instantly when I see you. You'll be shy, but assertive, tender and very sexy. You'll have great eyes and a killer smile that you'll flash at me often. You'll know me as Lauren, not as Paul's sister. You'll know that I only like yellow roses, never red or pink. You'll never buy me chocolates over gummy bears. You will kiss me in the rain and hold onto me until I want to let you go. You will know all of my signals and take me up on them instead of ignoring them. You'll know that I have no idea what football is about, but I like basketball. You'll know that band members aren't dorks, they just have courage. You won't be homophobic at all, because that's insulting to me and to a lot of people. You won't be racist or discriminate people because of religion. You'll know that Idaho is not the potatoe state, it's the gem state. You won't let me cry alone. You'll protect me against all of the injustices of life and then some. You'll know when to leave me alone to be angry for a while. You will know that when I have cramps I don't want to snuggle with you. You'll know that I love dresses, but I'd rather wear jeans. You'd know that I'm smart and classy and one of a kinds. You won't stare at my boobs, because you'll be focused on my eyes. You'll know that I love you, even if I don't say it. You will know every curve of my body and just where to touch me to make me laugh. You won't tickle until I can't breathe for laughing. You will respect me, but not let me walk over you. You will never hit or yell or hurt me. You will like cats and junk food. You will never make me watch scary movies with you because you know I have issues with them. You will always be supportive of me in all that I do, even if you don't agree with it. You will love me and never lie to me. You will trust me, and I you. You will hold me close when I'm a little sad and you will whisper that you love me more than the stars. You will kiss me often, because you are enamored with me. Well, Boy, I don't know where you are at this moment, but I know that you'll find me. I'll stay here and wait for you, but please hurry, I can't take much more heartbreak trying to find you. I remain patiently yours.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Things have been pretty okay while managing to be shitty at the same time. It's cool, though, because I'm not doing that bad. Friday is Kyle's birthday. Isn't that lovely? Well, I'm not overjoyed but I am excited for him. Well, for all of us really, but that's a secret that I won't spill until afterwards in case he happens to pop in for a peek round.

I think I am getting over him, finally, but who knows. It may start back up again sometime and I know I'll fall again and we'll just end up back at square one. Again. Oh, well. It's good just to hang out with him and be friends. He is very cute, though, and my throat catches when I'm around him. I don't think this is a good sign, do you?

I want to take ballroom dancing lessons. I went to see American Wedding the other day and now I am thinking a lot about weddings and wishing that life would hurry up and get me there. I'm tired of high school love, even though it's only happened once for me. I love the love, but I hate when it's over. I don't know if I can do it again, if only for my own safety and well being. *heavy sigh*

Well, this is short, but I have to go look for shoes for school. Oh, joy, shoes! Ha ha. Talk to you later.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I'm still here
I'm locked inside
I fight for freedom
While trying to hide

I search for air
trapped down deep
Inside the land
Of blackest sleep

It's so cold
Trapped below
My body numbs
I'm letting go

I'll weep for you
Inside my heart
Though we were one
We were always apart

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Hello. I've been away for a few days. Couldn't think of anything to say. Things keep lighting up, and then plunging back into black. I don't know what's happening. It's not me, I don't think. I'm not indulging in bad feelings, they just keep popping up without warning. I want to cut, but I know that that won't make it go away. I guess I just have to keep on fighting it. I'm trying, God I'm trying.

Got a letter from my brother. An email actually. He's doing super, I guess and that makes me really happy. He wants to read my letters to you, which I approved, but still find a bit odd. It's like letting your brother read letters to your lover, it's just not done. Who ever heard of a girl letting her family read her journal? It's absurd. He he. Absurd is a funny word, no?

I rather feel that these letters are a sort of lover's letters. I write to you because I love you, you make me feel safe and protected. I seduce you with my eloquent words of sorrow and anguish and you, in turn, give me something I can get nowhere else: confidentiality. You and I are engaged in a dance, Brandon. You catch me as I gracefully dip into your arms of secrecy. You twirl me into your chest and guard me from the injustices of life, wipe away the tears of hurt. I love you and all that you do for me.

Well, my mother calls for the computer, so I have to go, but I'll try to write more later. Thank you Brandon. My love.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

It's been an interesting few days. Last night, Kyle showed up at my house thinking that I was going to give him his birthday present and that his mom had business to do with mine. Well, I opened the door and led them inside as shouts of "Surprise!" echoed through the front hall. It was great. He was laughing and surprised by his friends and our surprise party. It was a lot of fun, for me at least.

I had to work today, which usually isn't that much of a chore. Today, however, it just started off badly and kept going. I was charged to unload an entire shipment of produce alone this morning, so I had extended manual labor pains in my back. Then, as I lifted a bell pepper box, the corner smashed into my throat, rendering me helpless as I fell to the floor with my oxygen flow stopped. I eventually recovered, but only so I could open a peach box and find it filled with ants. They, of course, scrambled out and bit me, so I now have ant bites. Great. I was clumsy and kept dropping things, so I felt really rather stupid.

Kyle and I have become really good friends and I've finally let him go. I really don't want to think about school, though, because I have to face it alone. Then there're all the jerks who think they're going to get anything from me just because I don't have a boyfriend. It makes me want to become a nun or go to an all girls school. I don't want to find someone else, because he'll pale in comparison to Kyle, I think. Who knows.

Well, I'm really sleepy, having stayed up most of the night partying with my friends, so I'm going to take a nap. Oh, I forgot to mention, I am writing from my room today, having just gotten internet access in the aforementioned. Isn't that great? I'm excited because now I can IM as late as I want and nobody will be there to tell me to get off. Yay. Thanks for listening to my mindless chatter. It means a lot to me.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Sometimes I find myself wishing I were back in the hospital. I don't know what kind of psycho I am to wish that, but I do wish it. I want to be safe from thinking about things that make me sad. I want a release from the constant threat of scissors and other sharp things. I just want to be taken care of so I am not sad all the time. I'm going slowly back to where I came from in the first place. It scares me.

"Dr. Dennis" wants me to talk to him about what makes me sad. It's not really any of his business, but seeing as he's my psychologist, I guess he's just doing his job. I told him I'd write it down and give it to him on Tuesday. Well, I can't seem to write it down as I can't find the words to say it to him. It's too, I don't know, I just don't want to talk about it. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But, to get used to the idea of talking about it with him, I am going to write it down here, to practice. It may take a while for me to get it all out, but I'll try.


When I was twelve, I was pretty boyish. I didn't have a whole lot of friends, but the ones I had were mostly boys. That suited me just fine, thank you. I had an easy time around them, because they didn't care so much about gossip and what you looked like, so long as you could belch with the best of them. He he, that sounds funny. Sorry.

My best friend of the time, Tim, and I were in Catholic Sunday school together and we had a blast with out youth leader, Jeff. He was like a big kid. He used to hang out with us when we saw each other in passing and we could talk to him about anything. He was like my mentor through the rough stages of early puberty.

Jeff was in the Navy but was getting out during the summer before seventh grade, so our Sunday school class decided to throw him a surprise going away party. I was in charge of making sure he didn't go near where the rest of the class was setting up. We went out for ice cream, walked around, and then went back to his dorm room so he could get something.

I knew I wasn't supposed to be there, because my parents would've reamed me if they'd found out. I was standing in his "living room" I guess you'd call it, looking out of the window on the the street below. Jeff had gone into the back to get something and I didn't even here him come back. Suddenly he was behind me, making me very uncomfortable. It's hard to explain why I was so uncomfortable other than that he was standing too close and saying things that nobody should say to a twelve year old.

I turned around to tell him to stop, but when I did, he grabbed me and pushed me to the floor. I couldn't scream, because that's not how I am I guess, so I just layed there on the floor begging him to stop through my sobs of humiliation and anguish. For minutes that stretched into years for me, I was there, beneath someone I had trusted with all of the innocence of a young child, and I couldn't believe that it was real. He touched me all over in this sort of frenzied way before pulling my pants off. It hurt so much for me, but all I could do was cry.

When he was done, he helped me back into my pants, told me not to cry and suggested we get going. I was shellshocked. I couldn't believe it. In all of two seconds he was back to being regular old Jeff that I had known all year and who was my friend. I got confused about what had happened, and I just decided that I had done something horrible and I wouldn't tell anyone about it and that's exactly what I did. For three years, I told no one. Then, when I started to have nightmares about it and things began to fall apart, I decided to break the silence.

I'll have to finish the rest of it later, because my mother just came in and said that dinner was on the table. Sorry 'bout that, but I'm hungry. Talk later tonight.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well, I couldn't write back yesterday because eating dinner turned into watching movies with my dad and spending family time with him. It was cool, I suppose, but a little awkward as we haven't done it in a while. Oh well.

Back to what I was trying to get out yesterday. Dr. Tye, a psychologist whom I was seeing for depression, was part okay, but part dirty old man. I don't know why I told him about it, because I didn't really feel all that comfortable with him. I guess I just needed to tell somebody. Well, after he heard the story, he dragged my mother into his office and tried to make me tell her about it, but finding that I wouldn't budge, he told her for me. She was crying and freaking out and I was so angry. I couldn't believe that someone would do that after I told them something so important to me. I just wanted to scream and break things.

Well, my parents, thinking only of their own parental revenge, decided to press charges against Jeff, even though it had happened three years ago. From the day after I told Dr. Tye the story, I began to change it to my parents. I told them a different story, and then I told the investigators a story different from the first different story and so on. I made it look like I had instigated it, then I said that we never even had sex, then I said that nothing had really happened. It took almost an entire year before I be discreditable enough for everyone to drop it. Do you know how it feels to make yourself into a liar? I didn't think so.

I went on for almost another year just fine, but I started to get really depressed, for no reason linking it to the aforementioned incidents, and I tried to kill myself because I thought I was hated by my "friends" and I knew that I hated myself. That's where you came in to the picture. You had this 'trust me' kind of attitude, without saying anything like that. I felt completely comfortable with you from the second you opened your mouth in the ER. This was another horrible mistake. Almost too quickly, I tried to bring it up with you and you terminated our sessions. I know you didn't do it because of what I had said, but at the time, I felt that I'd never be able to tell anyone without terrible things happening.

I began to assume guilt for everything in my life after that, because I knew that what had happened had been my fault and I could never do anything to redeem myself. I was doomed to be a pathetic worthless person who did stupid things.

As you know, all of this led up to two more suicide attempts and a trip to Intermountain, so I'll stop there. I just wanted you to know what I couldn't talk about with you before now. I don't know how I'm going to say it to "Dr. Dennis." Maybe I'm just screwed in that department, because now that I'm expected to talk about it, I no longer have the urge to do so. *heavy sigh* Who knows.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I'm going to the zoo today. Yay. Do you remember when you were a kid and the zoo was one of the most exciting places on the planet? I do. At a zoo I once went to, there was an entire room made of glass. You walked into it through a glass tunnel and all around you was an enormous aquarium filled with sharks and fish and other aquatic life. It was awesome to look down and see fish and plants and things under your feet, but it was a little scary for my six or seven year old self because the tank seemed bottomless. I didn't want to fall in there and be eaten. Ha ha.

Anyway. I am going to the zoo today with Kyle, Kate, and Kate's sister Kandis. I don't know why, but Kandis tends to get on my nerves. Possibly it's because she hangs all over Kyle now that we're broken up even though she promised she wouldn't. Grrr. Well, we're going to the zoo and it should be fun in a way that can only be had by sick minded teenagers all in a group. *wipes away tears of mirth* Good times.

I never told you about Monday, did I? Well, since the grocery store where Kyle and I work is closed on Mondays and we had nothing to do. Our friend, James suggested that we all go into the city to hang out. We picked up our friend Kate in James's land boat of a car and headed for the open road. Since Kate stole the front seat, Kyle and I were in the back together. We always have a lot of fun with each other in these situations. He kept calling phantom punch buggies and I gave as good as I got. We laughed, we cried, we screamed at James's driving. Eventually, we made it.

The first stop on our excursion was, none other than Intermountain. I had to drop off something for "Dr. Dennis" at his office. We left quickly because I still don't like being there, and headed for the movie theater. We saw S.W.A.T., which I thought was really good. Maybe that was because I think Collin Farrell is super hot. Who knows. After the movie, we traversed to an awesome Japanese buffet. It took forever to get there because we kept making wrong turns and busting up with laughter every time we did. The food was great and everyone (except for me) ate too much. Ha ha. I laugh at their indigestion.

Lastly, we went to the mall to hang out for thirty minutes before we had to leave in order to be back by ten o'clock. We went into HotTopic, where James and Kyle felt out of place, so went outside. We went into the really girlie accessory stores, but left quickly 'cause I don't even like them. I need to find another heavy metal necklace for next year, 'cause mine is falling apart. We shat around the mall for a while longer and decided to head for home.

The car ride back was pretty uneventful. Well, I got an attack of some kind, which I'm pretty sure was brought on by my meds, but I can't prove anything. I started shaking and the twitching and I was crying and we had to pull over into a Burger King so I could get some air. We stayed there for just long enough that we would be late. Oh well. We had a fun time on the way back and hung out at Kate's for a little while after we got home. Kandis was, of course, pissed off that she didn't get invited to go with us. Goodness, that girl needs to chill. She was at work, so it would've been harder to get her than it was worth.

Yep. That was the highlight of my week, but today could be just as good. We'll see. Well, I've got to go practice French for a while, because, by God, I will be fluent by next summer. Ha ha. Aurevoir, pour maintnent.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

J'ai fatigue. Thought I start with that so you'd know why my post is short. If it ends up being short. Registered for school today, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My schedule sucks a bit, but nothing too horrible. They took me out of Zoology, Parenting/Child developement, and Early Childhood Education. In their places we have a year's worth of chemistry, Health, Computer Aps, and Study Hall. I didn't want freaking Study Hall because it's a no credit class. Damn the hierarchy of our school.

The zoo was really fun. I was surprised and a bit disappointed by the size, though. There weren't any lions or orangutangs or hippos. I was saddened. They didn't even have a giraffe. *sigh* We ate at Marie Callanders afterwards, which was really yummy. I had steak and whatnot. Won't spend a lot of time on the food, 'cause nobody wants to hear it. Ha ha.

I am on two new kinds of meds now, because I'm slipping back into depression. At this rate, I'm going to be too doped up to go to school. Oh, that's hurts me, it really does. Ha ha. I don't know what's wrong with me. I miss my brother and Kyle and "Dr. Dennis" didn't make things any better now that he knows. The first thing he said to me after he'd read my letters to you about things was: "I'm sorry you got raped."
He-llo. What a bitch thing to say, huh? Jesus, it drives me crazy. I guess I really just wanted him to know, but I didn't want to talk abou it with him. Jesus, what's wrong with me?

My brother is reading my letters now, and he just learned about it at the same time you did. I shouldn't have let him read them. He, of course, had to make comments and whatnot. I didn't tell everyone that I knew for this reason exactly. I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. *heavy angry huff*

Oh, guess what? I saw you today. I went to the hospital to see my psychiatrist about meds, and you were there in the waiting room. You smiled at me and told me I looked cute today. That makes me happy, because I thought you hated me for all the shit I put you through. I guess not, and that gladdens me. *beam of joy*

One thing I learned at registration was this: I don't want to go back to school. I had forgotten about all of the stupid people that I hate over the summer, but today I was faced with them en masse. I wanted to cry, because I realized that without Kyle there to love me, it's going to be a rough school year. I will have to fight constant battles with nobody for moral support. That makes me sad. Oh well.

Well, I really am tired, so I'm going to go to bed now. Good talking to you in person again. I think I missed it, a little. Night, Brandon.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I'm so flippin tired right now I could attack someone at random. I worked six hours yesterday, came home and babysat til one this morning and had to be up by 7 to get ready for work. Damnit. I have to leave in six minutes or I'll be late and have to stay later tonight. I don't know what I'm complaining about, I work from open to close today, which is not something I do very often. *sigh*

I'm a little excited to go to band camp on Monday, but a little nervous because we're getting a new crop of freshmen this year and they will inevitably screw off and get us all in trouble. Damn their pathetic existence. Ha ha.

Keep having dreams about Kyle. There are dreams where we are together and we're kissing or holding onto each other and then there are dreams where he cries because he misses me and I walk away from him. There are dreams where he walks away from me too. I need to find somebody else to date sometime soon, because I'm going crazy over Kyle. Corey, a boy I work with, says that he'll want to hook back up in the fall because that's how guys are. I hope so. *fingers crossed*

Well, now I have two minutes to brush my teeth, so I'm going to go. Have a great day and pity me who can't enjoy mine.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Hi, I can't really write right now, but I thought I should pop a quick note of explanation as to my absence. I broke my thumb on Monday and so can not type or write or do very much of anything. It hurts like a bitch and it looks disgusting. (Slammed the darned thing in a car door.) Oh, I read my previous post and I feel retarded. I think I'm over Kyle. I figured out that he likes someone else and found that I wasn't that torn up about it. Oh well. Well, I;m on some narcotics for my finger and they make you as high as a kite, so I'm going to go sleep it off. I've missed talking to you. I'll write again soon.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

It feels great to have pretty much full use of my finger again, and I'm sorry I've been away. Right now, actually, I'm in Colorado Springs visiting my brother. Yay. I missed him a lot more than I thought I did.

We hung out at the Academy for a while on Friday doing "Parent's Weekend" stuff (breifing, exibits, getting totally drenched by the rain.) We were informed that at a certain time we were to go to the chapel and a cadet would be there with a sign that said Squadron 31 (my brother's squadron) on it. That cadet would take us to the open house so we could see my brother. Well, we were walking past where the chapel is and we just happened to glance over and see the cadet. We moved closer to see if that was the right cadet and as we did, the cadet waved and we saw it was my brother. I dropped everything I was holding and ran straight to him, jumped into his arms and had the best hug in forever. I missed him so much.

Well, we are here now staying with friends and having a good time with my brother. We are going to the movies tonight. We're taking him to Pirates of the Caribbean 'cause he hasn't seen it. Obviously. We brought along his ex girlfriend Andi because we thought they'd want to see each other. They only broke up because he left for school, so there were still a lot of feelings flying around. It seems awkward when they're together, because they flirt like crazy, but seem uncomfortable doing it. Weird.

Andi spent her freshman year in Hungary as a foreign exchange student and we've been talking a lot about it. I've decided that I want to go to a European country (one that has a useful language to world relations) after my senior year of high school and take it as a second senior year. Your credits count for college and it looks good on applications. Anyway. I want to becom fluent in French before that time, so I can take French over there and learn the language by what I already know. Cool, huh? I want to become trilingual and work for the American Embassy in Europe somewhere. I think that would be awesome.

I am skipping church this morning because I am sick from my meds. It sucks, because I really wanted to hear my brother sing today. Poopies. I have pretty much taken the summer off from church because I needed to sort out some things for myself. I know that when school starts and confirmation classes pick back up I'll be fine. I just didn't want the stress of religion, and I know that sounds terrible. I'm trying to get back into the groove of things, though.

I am excited for school to start (though I'm missing the first day because of our trip) but I'm sure that after ten minutes or so I'll hate it again. I don't like interacting with most teenagers. I can do pretty well with adults, but teenagers annoy me mostly. They're rude and immature and petty, and gossipy. I'm including myself in that category to be fair, but I do a lot better when there's nobody else to be gossipy and whatnot with. I just hope that some nice guys move here because I am getting pretty lonely. *sigh*

Well, I'm dead tired and I feel bad, so I'm going to go for now, but I'm really glad I can write again. I'm going to go take a nap, but I'll try to write later sometime. Probably not today, but maybe tomorrow. Well, it was really good talking to you. Later, Brandon.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well, I can only write a bit right now, because apparently taking off my cast has broken my finger more so now I have a whole hand cast. Joy. School is pretty okay, but I have missed most of it. I went home yesterday because I passed out and after some blood tests it turns out I have hypoglycemia. (spelling? meh.) We had our first game of the season today and the band sucked butt, but oh well. Kyle's been really mean to me lately and today I just got mad at him and wouldn't talk to him. This made him sad, of course, and he followed me around trying to get me to talk to him. Finally, he just pulled me close and hugged me saying he was sorry. I just melted. God I miss it. I just want it back. I am on the verge of slipping, and life is just getting more and more stressful. The other day, I actually had the scissors in my hand before I stopped myself. That's too close for comfort and it scares me. Well, my sleepy pills are really working, so I'm going to sleep. I'll try to write more, but I don't know when. Bye for now.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am starting to do a bit worse every day. I am sad a lot and I keep bursting into tears. I have this picture of Kyle in my head that won't go away and I know I can never have it again. It was right after we had gotten through having sex and we're just laying there together. He was going to sleep and I just looked at him and realized how beautiful he was. I want it back so badly and I know that it won't happen. I know I need to move on, but shit just keeps pushing me back to square one. *teen angst*

Sometimes, I think about cutting. I keep saying I wouldn't do it, and I don't really think I would, but it is getting more and more difficult to say no. I just want to forget everything for a while and let myself bleed. I want to let go of all the hurt and sadness trapped beneath the pills. I just want to feel better. Nothing is working really, even though I can mask my sadness through medications. I feel attacked by everyone and I don't know why I'm so paranoid.

God Brandon, why can't I ever seem to feel better? I am trying so hard, I really am. Please just take me away from here. Take me somewhere that nobody can ever find, where I can live in a house by the ocean with my cat and be forever at peace. I won't need anyone else, just the wind, the waves, and my kitten. Take me there and I will live happy. If I can't find this place, I fear I will die alone. I'm afraid for myself. Pray for me.

Lauren