Suicide Letters to Brandon

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Hello. It's been a while since we spoke last hasn't it? I can still remember the inside of the ambulance, the taste of the sorbitol in the charcoal, and your calm wit in the midst of all the insanity. I am grateful for your friendly manner and most of all, your trusting eyes. I am glad you weren't like the paramedics who didn't believe the others who made the call. You didn't judge me and lump me in with all the others like me. Thank you.

I know now that the hardest part of this journey is yet to come. I no longer wish to die constantly, but the feeling is always there, eating away at me. I need to talk to someone, but people my own age don't know how to listen. I believe it is the way you said, I am like a bomb to them, constantly waiting to explode. They run because they don't want to get burned, but you stay close to me because you can dissarm me in a few moments. You are my bomb specialist.

I left your office only a few days ago feeling better than I have in a long time. You kept telling me that I am not a bad person and I believed you for a while, but what you don't seem to understand is that in between visits, I have to live life. Life speaks louder than any reassuring words you could ever tell me.

In the last few days, I have upset everything. I can not seem to control these changing moods I'm having. One minute I'm laughing uncontrollably, and the next, I'm crying for all the injustices of the world. I'm sorry I can't do the small things you ask of me.

I don't know if I trust you enough to say these things to your face, but I need to talk to someone, and you were the best candidate. I will write to you, and maybe one day I will let you read these letters, but for now, they will remain for me alone. I will write as often as I can to keep myself from anything that would keep me from our next visit.

I remain yours from the edge of the grave,

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

EVery time a conversation ends lately, it feels like something more. Like every time I say goodnight, I am really saying goodbye. I feel like I could fall asleep one night and wake up to find that everything I love is just gone. Not dead just gone.

The way I imagine it, the furniture would still be there and so would the dishes and the food in the fridge. The clothes and valuables, too. Just the people and maybe my kitten, because I love him as if he were a person. I don't think it would be any better if he were the only one left behind.

Sometimes it seems like if I can only beat the system by leaving first, I'll never have to deal with waking up to find myself abandoned, lost like a sheep on a misty moor.

So many things that I've done have accounted for my pain now, but no one sees it. I have done so many horrible things for having lived so short a life that I don't think I can bear the consequences when they come. I just want to be in charge of my own destiny.

I can't go to church anymore, because I always feel like everyone knows about what happened. Even if they didn't know, I believe that God knows and is judging me. Well, I'm judging myself enough for everyone, so I really don't need it from him right now. Is this a screwed up thing to say?

When my mother told me that our appointmen was bumped back another 4 days, I thought I would burst out crying. I don't know, a week away seemed okay, but two weeks? I don't know if I can make it that long without somebody who has the right words to say to make me feel okay with myself.

Don't get me wrong, I still don't trust you, I don't think, but I can talk to you without giving away all of my secrets, can't I? I mean, everything that can hurt me is already in my file. You can read it any time you want and we'll talk about what's there when I'm ready. Promise me you'll wait for me to be ready, 'cause I know that I'm not right now.

Yours in my head for now,

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Do you remember High School? Well, let me tell you, I'm stuck in the freaking middle of it and it sucks ass. I went from an A in English to a D over 1 test, and my mother is all worked up over it. Why can't our parents just realize that sometimes kids screw up and let it go? Why do they have to push?

I know that I screw up a lot, and I've moved on with my life. I know that I make a bunch of peoples' lives a heck of a lot worse than they have to be, but can I be punished for being me? I think if anyone's to blame, it's my parents. I'm not trying to bitch about my crappy life, but can I be held responsible for the fact that my folks had unprotected sex? I didn't think so.

I had an idea today. It just struck me out of the blue in math class. I want to go on the show Wheel of Fortune, get a whole bunch of money racked up, and push the spinner onto Bankrupt deliberately. After losing my cash, I want to shout: "God d---n it! F--kin' horse s--t! Explicit content, obscenities, etc." I want to climb onto the spinner and start ripping the little colored slashes off of it and hitting the other contestants. Do you think they would air my show? I think it would be a nice change.

Practice was good today. Captain tryouts are all week, and so far I think I have a pretty good shot at making it, but if I didn't, I wouldn't be surprised, 'cause it'll just be one more dissappointment to add to the long string of dissappointments that is my life. Oh well.

Less than two weeks till our next visit and I'm still trying to figure out what I can trust you with and what I can't. Maybe I'll figure it out soon and send word of my decision. Maybe not. Till then, I leave you enlightened, if not fulfilled.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

God damn it, I hate myself.

Actually, I don't know if it's myself I hate so much as my parents. They push and push at me to be somebody I'm not, and then they tell me not to "cop an attitude" with them. Well, fuck you guys. Jesus.

They hardly say two words to me unless it's to yell at me for something, tell me to do something, or pick at me about stuff. Whenever I talk to them about important stuff, they always twist it around to be something horrible that I've done and point out how I've wronged the world and shamed the family (again).

I don't get it, they get all pissed off when I hate myself, but they seem to have no trouble hating me for me. I just don't get it at all. Why am I such a horrible person that my own parents don't care enough to say I Love You anymore?

I really hate myself.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I cut myself. Not very deep, just enough to break the skin and let a little blood to the surface. I did the first few and eventually the pain ceased to be pain but a sense of right. It felt good to hurt. I kept cutting until my left forearm was a mass of cuts.

Everyone kept asking about it today, but I told them it was my cat. They don't need to know, 'cause it's my business. They wouldn't understand, even if I told them. So I won't.

My boyfriend didn't seem to notice, so I didn't draw attention to it and he didn't say anything. All of a sudden right before last hour, he gives me this note just tearing me apart for doing it. He says he wants me to be happy and he's not trying to "be another parent, but what the hell?"

Nobody understands. I didn't do it because I was angry, I didn't do it because I want to hurt myself, I didn't do it because I am stupid. I did it because I had to. I had to stop blaming other people for my own problems and remember that I bring things upon myself. Now, when my arm hurts or when I look at my watch and see the angry red slashes I will remember.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well. Things can only get shittier from here, can't they? When I freaked out on Friday and called you, I didn't think things would end up the way they did. I had to talk to someone, the urge to cut myself just kept bombarding my brain, and I didn't want to do it anymore. So I called you from the school phone. You said for me to come to the hospital right away and I obliged, thinking that everything was going to be okay. Oh, was I wrong.

We talked about everything, the letter I sent you pertaining to past events, the cuts on my arms, and even the growth of chest hair caused by marijuana. (Wow, now I'm going to think of you as chest hair boy. funny.) Then you dropped the bomb. You are dumping me.

You can't talk to me anymore, because you think I need to be put on medication, or because you want me to talk to someone who specializes in adolescents? Well, screw you. I was finally starting to trust you and now I don't even have that any more. Maybe you don't get it, trust is hard to come by and now you want me to go run off and tell my life story to somebody else? Forget it, buddy.

I'm so angry and sad I can't even explain it, I just want to cry and scream and hurt things. God, this is exactly why you should never get too close to people. It's like that thing where you fall backwards and your friend catches you. I fell, 'cause you said I could trust you and now you're moving back away from me. I can only hit the ground so many times before I just stop trusting everyone.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I am dreading our next visit whereas only a few days ago, I was elated about it. I know that this will probably be our last visit, though we've only spoken a few times. God life sucks.

Jesus, if this is supposed to be making me better, it sure as hell isn't working. It's just making me brood on something else for a little bit. Who knows, this could be the last straw, the one to break me. I don't think I can take another shift in the pattern, I really just want someone to stay for longer than a week for God's sake. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe.

I know that you aren't "dumping" me. I know that. You're sending me to somebody that I can talk to honestly, blah blah blah. The uniform you wear leaves you bound to a different set of laws.... blah freaking blah. You have to understand that from where I sit, you are pushing me off onto somebody else. I don't want somebody else, I want to talk to you. I trust you, a little. I know you, a bit. I can't just pack up and go see somebody else.

This is kind of making me think that no matter what, I'm going to go through life alone, because everytime I find someone, they'll leave me for something else under the pretense that it's for my own good. *Sigh* I can't believe that I allowed myself to become so attached to you in less than a month. Grossly pathetic of me, isn't it?

Prom was great last night, but I feel kind of bad about the cuts being in the pictures. Had I been smart about it, I wouldn't have done it somewhere where people could see it. I would've cut my leg or something. If I had been smart, while we're on the subject, I would've kept our conversations superficial and never ruined everything with my constant babble.

You said, even though I know where you live now and I have your home phone number, you aren't afraid of me stalking you? Why? What makes you so brave? I could do it, you know, I could. No probably not. It would be cool though. I would just pop up from behind a bush or something with my tape recorder and broadcast your every move. At least that way I could be a part of your life without you feeling obligated to me. Hmmmm.

Well, I'm going now, I think. Our relationship remains on the edge of a knife for now, but I'm sure I'll write more when I find out what's happening.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well, it's done then. I have an appointment to see "Dr. Dennis" on next Thursday. I don't get it. I hate you so much for doing this, but at the same time, I understand. The bigger part of me wants to cry, though, and scream for all the injustices in the fucking world. Jeeze.

I had to write a poem today in English. It's supposed to be about your father, but my teacher said we could do it about someone who we looked to as a role model or some crap like that. I chose you, because you're all I've been thinking about lately. Here, I'll write it down so maybe one day you'll see it.



Brandon,

Well, I feel as if there should be more,
Because I don't want to leave like this.
I know I have to go away, but
Couldn't you have at least finalized it?

I promise I didn't do it on purpose,
The scissors just called out to me seductively.
Don't make me go! I could try harder, be better,
Not be so bad, if only you'll stay.

But you won't, will you? No, you won't.
You say it's because you want me to get well.
Well, I think you just can't deal. Or
Maybe I'm the one who can't.

I'll always remeber your voice,
And your hands, ('cause they were all I ever looked at),
Your wedding band, God how I resented it.
Oh how I resented "her" that got to be yours, when I got to be nobody's.

You once called me a bomb, well,
It's good you're gone, 'cause
I'm gonna explode one day and you wouldn't want to get burned.
Oh, not by me you wouldn't.

When I walked out the other day,
I couldn't say good bye, it hurt.
I could, even then, feel myself dying,
Slowly deteriorating from the inside.

This, I guess, has to be my good bye to you
I can't be a reckless traveler anymore.
I need to sleep, and sleep without fear,
Of being abandoned in the night.

I will rip off all the layers of secrecy that hang like a snug shroud,
Reveal my soul to the shadow, bared and on the altar.
I'll slash away the trust, the hurt, the emotion,
Until I am no more than a pile of ashes.

You know, someday soon, I'm going to live.
I know that before I can, I have to die.
I'll be as the phoenix, rising with grace and beauty from my own ahses.
One day, Brandon, I'm gonna fly. I'm going to fly away with or without your help.



Yep, that's about it, I guess. God, I let my boyfriend read it and he doesn't like it because it's sad. Well, let me tell you, life isn't always happy. I don't know how to be happy on the outside anymore, when I can't even be happy on the inside.

I'm soooo sick of every one trying to "fix" me. I'm not a broken toy or something. It really upsets me that they couldn't even say it to my face. Everyone had to go talk to my boyfriend as if I don't even have a say in my own life anymore. I don't get it, what does everyone want from me?

They are making plans to "talk" to me over dinner or something. I'm not eratic, I'm just sad. Jesus, what do they plan on doing, tempting me with food, holding me to the ground and injecting me with tranquilizers so I can't run away? If they wanted to talk to me, they should have said something. I'm not fucking crazy, Jesus.

I think people believe I'm doing this as a bid for attention. That makes me incredibly angry. I am Not Doing This For Attention. But who's going to believe me anyway? I wouldn't. I'm a horrible person, and I guess I don't deserve to be believed, but oh well. I just wish that people understood. I don't know how to make them understand, though.

I'm not trying to hurt myself, but the only way I can think of to deal with what's going on is to do just that. I can't lose you and find out that I'm thought of as a crazy psycho bitch all at once. I can't. Now, I have dropping grades because I can't stay awake in school and when I do, I can't concentrate. I don't know what's happening to me, but I just want it to stop.

It's not as if I'm just sitting around on my ass doing nothing but cut myself and dream of suicide, I'm trying to make things right by going to talk to people. I am not just blowing "Dr. Dennis" off. I promised you that I wouldn't, and of all the people I know, my promises to you are the only ones that have to count for something.

I am not sure what's going to happen, but if I feel like I'm going to do something, you told me what to do, and I'll be sure to talk to you first, but I really don't know. I can't take feeling like everone thinks I'm crazy. I lost you in the process of trying to get better and that hurts more than the cuts and anything else I could ever do to myself. I don't need their pity or criticism.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I can't explain it, exactly, but something's going to happen today. I have often been grmpy or sad or whatnot, but today is the first day I have ever waked feeling completely hopeless. There is no hope left. None. I don't understand it. I don't know what I did that was so wrong that I can't shake this off.

It started this morning when I layed in bed for about thirty minutes after I woke up because I couldn't find a reason to get up, so I didn't. Then, I didn't see the point in taking a shower, (though in the end, I did) because what's the point? What really struck me as odd was the makeup. I always wear it, and putting it on is half the fun. I couldn't even do that today. I don't see any meaning in anything anymore. Jesus, what's wrong with me?

I wanted to do my homework, and I was going to, but I just got this wave of Oh Fuck It vibes from inside somewhere. Right then, I knew that there was no hope left for me. I am going to snap here pretty soon and I don't know what to do. I don't want to call you, because I don't want to shove my problems onto you or anyone else. I already feel like I've worn out my welcome with you, so I don't know what to do.

Yep, Brandon, something's going to happen very soon. Very soon. I don't know when exactly or what, but something's going to happen. I just hope I can get to someone before that happens.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Still can't stop feeling like no matter what I do, nothing's going to get better. Everything is kind of hopeless, but through the haze, I had a bit of sunnyness. (no, not a word, but it describes what I'm feeling, so bite me)

I got an email today from a stranger who told me that my life meant something to him. I can't explain why, but that means more to me than anything that the people I know and care about have ever said to me. He doesn't even know me and I'm important to him. That made me feel really good inside.

I don't know what to do, Brandon. I want to call you, or somebody, but I don't think I can. I keep crying, because I know what's going to happen if I don't and I don't want it to. I'm hurting everyone around me and I can't stop. I want to stop hurting everyone else, and I want to stop hurting inside.

This girl saw my arm the other day and called me stupid. She said that shit like that is dumb and any excuse for it is bullshit because you knew what you were doing and you did it anyway. She said that you should stop yourself because if you don't, somewhere deep down inside, you're doing it to hurt other people or to get attention. Well.I don't understand why kids have to tell me what to do all the time. You couldn't help me, so what makes them think that they can?

I don't get it. I'm NOT DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!! I am so scared right now I can't even describe it. I walk around bursting into tears for no reason and then stop two seconds later and am just fine. I fall asleep in class all the time and wake up as if someone has splashed cold water on me. I can't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about what I could do with a pair of scissors or a knife or for that matter a bottle of pills.

I don't want to hurt anymore. I think I'm going insane. I never used to be like this and I'm scared of what's happening to me. I'm a small flame and life is the wind that fans me until I am a raging forest fire, destroying everything in my path. I can't stop feeling bad. I need you. Please, help me.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Hey. I'm having a pretty good day today. I think that's how this stuff goes. A few bad days ending with a really bad day then a good day. Yesterday was horrible. You didn't make me feel as good as I thought you would. I don't know what to think right now.

I cut myself again. I know I promised that I wouldn't, but I don't even know why I did it. I just couldn't take all the shit in my head and that was the only way I could think of to deal with it. Scissors don't cut deep and skin heals. I'm not scared of that, but I'm really scared of whatever is driving me to do it. I can't stop it, and fighting it is so hard sometimes.

My parents called you last night because I was freaking out and I couldn't talk to them. I don't really feel that bad about it, though, because it's not my fault I can't talk to them. I was so scared of myself. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, be around people. I didn't want you, though, (well, inside you're all I want) because I know that you are trying to say good bye without hurting my feelings. Well, newsflash, they're hurt, but all hurts heal eventually. I don't want to be that clingy girl that hangs around when all the guys make fun of her behind her back. Not me.

You didn't sound pissed off at me, but something in me says that you were miffed at being disturbed at home. Sorry. I didn't want them to call you, and I didn't know that they would stoop to that. I guess it's kind of like when you're small and you throw a temper tantrum, then you get what you want in the end. You don't even want it then; the object of desire is then tainted.

You told me that everyone thinks I'm doing this for attention. Thanks, as if I need that from you as well as everyone else. You don't get it do you? Jesus, I guess I judged you too quickly, 'cause you're not turning out to be who I thought you were at all. Oh well. I still like you, 'cause even if you're just an idea in my head, you're better than nothing.

You told me something that kind of sealed the deal for me. You told me to hold on until next Thursday when I could talk to "Dr. Dennis". Translation: Don't you get it? I'm not your friend anymore, so just deal with it. Well, maybe not that mean, but I know you were trying to say that it's out of your hands now. I do get it, but it's like I said, you're all I got.

My boyfriend went into hypo shock this morning. Scary as all hell, let me tell you. His blood sugar was at 127, when it's supposed to be around 200. He blacked out it his kitchen and his sister just stood there and freaked. Goodness. Everything's okay now, though.

This girl I know keeps rubbing it in that you live on her street and she gets to see you all the time. She gets to talk to you about her problems, so what about me? I'm just so confused, even though I understand. I'm hurt, even if my hurt is unjustified, I'm still hurt. God, I just wanted you to be my friend.

Well, I was having a good day, but writing this is making me sad, because I miss you and I am focusing on a bleak and lonesome future without you. *Sigh* I'm going to go and do my homework and later go see Matrix Reloaded with my brother. Maybe it'll be good, who knows.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Wow! I just got an IM from this person and I realized that I have about sixteen new PMs that I haven't been getting. My pop up thingy isn't working or something. Who knows? I read them all and realized that people do care about me, even though a few think I'm stupid for writing this kind of shit. Oh well, screw them.

I'm slowly beginning to see that I have a few small things going for me, but I don't know if its enough. Today was semi good, with a few bad points. Namely, I'm going to fail English and I can't stop it. Damn organized education, damn it to hell. What am I learning there that I can't learn by living alone in an Andean hut with a few sherpas and a goat or something?

You know what sucks? I am feeling a bit better about my life today, but I cut myself again this morning. I don't know why I did it, but I do know that I have no one to tell about it. I can't get help anywhere, only chastisement and judgement. I can't call you, I know that now. I can't talk to my parents, 'cause they are sure this is just some "acting out" phase I'm going through.

Nobody sees the monster inside but me, and nobody believes me when I tell them it's there. I just want to cut myself until there isn't any pain left. How that's going to work, I don't really know. I just get this feeling when I do it that things are going to be okay now that I have taken control of my own destiny. I don't have to trust anyone to take care of me.

The Matrix was really good last night. My brother took me and we sat together through the neverending love scene. I mean really, it took them like seven minutes to finish up and we were sitting there feeling awkward about the whole thing. Not because we haven't done it, but because we have and we're both trying to hide the fact from each other even though the truth is already known.

My mother is currently hovering about the computer trying to read what I'm writing without seeming obvious, so I'm going to go before she memorizes the site and comes back here later to read what I've written. Don't worry about me, Brandon. I'm going to be okay without you. Things are going to be fine.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

What the hell is wrong with me? It feels like I always ruin things by being stupid. Jesus. I keep pushing my boyfriend away because I don't think it's fair for him to have to go through this with me. I know you told me to let him make up his own mind about it and respect his decision, but I can't. He would stick with me through just about anything, and I can't make him do that. Now I think I've pushed him too far, and I am horribly upset. I am so stupid.

I am scared for myself. I don't know what it is, but I just keep cutting. Never as bad as the first time, but always enough to bleed a little. I dreamt about it the other night. Only, it was different. I wasn't using scissors, I was using something else and it wouldn't stop bleeding. I think I died, but I don't know. What would it have mattered anyway.

See, I'm so dumb. I know that people care about me, I do. I'm not a completely unappreciative bastard, though I know I can be. Take the other day, for instance. My friend Katie hugged me. She's never voluntarily hugged me before that I can remember. That made me feel pretty good, but at the same time, a little suspcious. I know that's mean, but I can't help it. I don't know who I can trust anymore, especially now that you turned out so badly.

I have gotten a bunch of emails from people who think I need to live, and I appreciate them, I do. What everyone seems to be forgetting is that I'm not trying to kill myself. I don't know, I think I'm crazy, 'cause I feel like two people. One is the new me, this me that just wants to hurt and maim. The other is the real me, the one trapped inside the other me, who just wants to get free from these oppressive chains that I've bound myself with.

I know I'm dwelling on this, and it isn't healthy, but I can't shake this feeling of being abandoned by you. I hate it, and I hate feeling stupid for it, but Jesus. I thought you could help me. Why did you even get involved if you were going to flake out on me? Don't you get anything Brandon? Mr. Big Time Social Worker or whatever the hell you want to call it. You can't just walk away from this. I needed you and I still do. I can't talk to "Dr. Dennis"! I don't even know the guy, but I resent him for not being you, and I'm pretty sure I always will. Jesus.

*Sigh* God, I just feel so alone.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Holy Shit, now I'm a freaking stalker. Had a horrible day and went for a drive tonight. I found myself on your street, oustide your house. I happened to look and see you through the window. You kissed your wife and you laughed together. How can you be so happy when I'm so messed up? I know that's not fair for me to ask, but sometimes it feels like nobody really cares about how I feel. They just want to push aside what I'm feeling and dismiss it as quickly as possible. I don't know if I can take it.

I want to do something darastic, but I don't know what. I just want to hurt and hurt and keep hurting until the outside pain is so great that I can't feel the inside pain anymore. I think that's why I cut myself. I am pretty sure that's why.

I may have screwed up something really important today. I can't seem to stop doing stupid things no matter how hard I try. I think I'm doomed to go through life completely screwed up. Oh, well. I don't know, I don't think I should write to you anymore, but I know that if I stop, I will be so sad that I don't know what I'll do. Scary thought.

I've got to figure some things out, but when I finally untangle a few thoughts, I'll get back to you and tell you what I've come up with. Til then, I'll try not to stalk you, kay?

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty tired of this life. Every time I turn around, I am feeling bad about something new. I know you're probably sick of hearing about it, and I would be too if I were you, but that's just too bad, isn't it. Yes, yes it is.

Today I have this feeling of worthlessness. I don't know why, but I feel like people would be better off without me. I feel like I have nowhere to go anymore, 'cause I can't keep depending on my friends to go through this with me, and I know they can't give me what I'm looking for. It makes me really sad.

I am so screwed up and I don't know how to fix it other than to cling to any hope or thought of you and pray that you'll change your mind. I know in my heart that you won't, though. Horribly upsetting to know, let me assure you.

I went to the movies last night. Chicago. It was really good, but sad at the same time, because the movie doesn't explain that all the musical numbers are in Roxie's brain. She's crazy and imagining it all. Quite sad, really. I feel like that sometimes. Like I see one thing and everybody else sees another.

I have a bad feeling about myself today. Like today's the day when something happens. I knew it was coming soon, but I didn't know it until today. I don't know what's going to happen, but something is, I'm pretty sure. I would try to stop myself, but I can't. I can't tell anyone, and I certainly can't ask you to help me after you so politely told me to go away. Oh well. I guess what happens, happens.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Guess what? I had the urge to cut the other day, and I mean really badly, but I didn't. I didn't do it once. I went out into my house and played the piano for about an hour. It was great. I haven't played in about a year, and I miss it.

I think I'm giong to take it up again, now that my brother is moving out. I could never stand to do the same things as him for very long, being as he is a genius, and I'm not. Sad.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, I think. I was pretty happy with things, but then my stupid color gaurd coach went and screwed things up by being a heinous bitch, 'cause she "had a bad day." Well, fuck you, don't bring your drama to practice, kay? yeah.

I've been thinking a lot, and though I'm still sad a lot of the time, I think that things may get better sometime. I don't thank you for it, though. If anything, you made it worse by letting me cling to false hope and then cutting the strings of my disillusion. Oh well, though, 'cause being sad's not going to change anything, is it?

I have decided that I want to get bondage pants. They are really baggy at the bottoms, and have buckles and straps on them. I know that that's not really my frame of mind, but at the same time, they are really cool pants. This girl I know through a shit fit about it, though, because "she started it" and "I am copying". Oh, eat shit and get over it, would you?

I don't understand the big deal with who starts things. Chances are, people somewhere else have been doing or wearing whatever it is you're bitching about for ages, and even if you truly are the first person to do something, so what? Somebody has to do it first, right?

Goodness. Well, I'm going to go to school now, and hope I have a good day. Lately, I've been feeling okay, but when I feel bad, I feel really bad. I just want to stay feeling okay for a little bit longer, 'cause I know it won't last forever.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Well, I knew the good times wouldn't last forever, but why now? Why so soon? I was starting to feel pretty good, too. Oh well. I think life is just a fucking game to you guys. You sit in your government issued offices and tell us how to solve our problems without actually listening to what they are. You listen, but you never hear what is inside our words. Why can't you understand me?

I have a dark feeling about myself. I don't know if Friday is going to be soon enough, because things are getting worse in here. Whenever I feel happy on the outside, I seem to wake up feeling worse on the inside. I can't stop the hurting and I just want it to stop. Why can't you stop it, Brandon? Why can't I stop it?

I'm really afraid of what's happening to me, and I am scared of why I can't understand. This isn't me! You have to believe me. I'm not like this, I'm not. I just don't feel very good. I have been a bad person for a long time now, and I'm being punished for it.

I want to start something today, so that if something should happen, I'll have at least a few of my memories written down so people know who I was, who I used to be before all this happened. I want to tell you about a very important thing I discovered a few months ago. I discovered that I was truly blessed.

My memory starts outside of a California hotel during a trip that I'm trying to erase from my memory. I had had a lot on my mind that caused me to be in a horrible mood, thus causing my friends to (of course) get mad. The worst part about it was that my boyfriend went along with them. I made up with everyone pretty quickly, all except my boyfriend. He decided to be a prick and stay mad at me, even though I needed him more than anyone right then. But how could he have known?



I'm sitting on the sidewalk, cross-legged, crying. My face is probably a mess, but who cares? In my heart I can feel everything spinning totally out of control, yet I can do nothing. Nobody seems to notice me, softly sobbing to myself alone on the ground.

I don't hear him coming up behind me, but when I look up, he is there beside me. His face is set in a look of icy tolerance. This look makes me reconsider what I'm going to tell him. I debate whether to tell him right away, or wait for him to break up with me and then just keep it from him. The debate is a short one.

"I'm late."

The words propell from somewhere deep in my soul, and I can't stop myself from bursting into tears again. I know that at this moment, something, somebody that we've made together may be developing inside me. Somebody who'll have my hair, his eyes, my nose, and his uncanny wit and sarcasm. It will be a perfect baby, but I'm only sixteen, I can't be somebody's mother. I cry for the injustice of my own punishment.

Right as the tears start to fall, after only a momentary pause of stunned silence, he pulls me to his chest and just holds me while I cry. We don't say anything though. Just sit their on the ground, me crying, him holding on to me so I won't break apart. His every breath, every heartbeat seemed to whisper gently to my aching spirit, "Everything's okay, don't cry."




In the end, I turned out not pregnant, but it was scary as all hell, trust me. I just thought that I'd tell you about that, because whenever I get pissed off at something, I just think about that and know that even if nobody else will stand with me in this world, he will.

I'm trying to live for that memory, but something in the back of my mind keeps wispering to me, calling me to the shadow. I just want to hide under my covers until it's all over. You were like my flashlight, Brandon. Now that light's gone, and it's so hard to fight in the dark.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I wish.
I wish I could.
I wish I could slip away.
I wish I could slip away unnoticed.

I pray.
I pray that you.
I pray that you forget.
I pray that you forget about me.

I can't.
I can't fight.
I can't fight against it.
I can't fight against it alone anymore.

I will.
I will let go.
I will let go of life.
I will let go of life and welcome the grave.

I need.
I need you.
I need you to understand.
I need you to understand my pleas.

I beg.
I beg of you.
I beg of you to come.
I beg of you to come and save me.

I wish.
I wish I could.
I wish I could escape.
I wish I could slip unnoticed into the night.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

Cut again. I don't know what's happening to me. I can't find anyone to help me. My appointment with "Dr. Dennis" is the day after tomorrow. Maybe I'll talk to him. Then again, maybe I won't. Who knows. I'm going to bed. Tomorrow may be better. I hope so.

Lauren

 

[Unknown Soul]

Brandon,

I went shopping with my mother yesterday and bought "strappy pants" as she's making us call them. She knows that my father will have a hard time letting me wear something with the word "bondage" in the title. *laugh* she can be really funny sometimes. Well, I wore them today along with a funny monkey shirt that I bought. Boy, I just never learn do I?

I walked down the halls today trying to ignore the constant call of "poser" as I made my way to class. Everywhere I went people were like, "Do you want to explain this?" *Motioning to my outfit* Why should I have to explain myself or my decision to dress differently? I don't think I should.

What upsets me the most is that the people who called me a poser were the "outcasts" of our school. They ridicule people for dressing preppy (which, I guess I do, I don't really care for the lables), but today has shown me that they will ridicule people for becoming like them. Or at least dressing like them. What do they want? They run around bitching about people judging them without knowing them, but they turn around and pull this kind of shit.

I guess it doesn't really matter, it just makes me realize that this is going to happen all through life. I'm never going to fit in anywhere I guess. I know people like me, but I don't feel accepted with anyone. Maybe I should just stay away from everybody.

I was thinking today, I could just pick up and leave right now and never look back. I could, because I know that even if they were sad for a while, people would be better without me. I am constantly doing stupid things and I know I'm never going to change. I just don't want to keep ruining things.

I feel like crying, because today, a very nice voice in my head whispered to me, "Why don't you just do it already? You're only making things worse by being around. Don't you get it? He left because you were bad, they laugh at you because you're stupid, and you deserve it."

It's true, you know. I do deserve it. I deserve all that I get and then some. You tried to tell me differently, and for a while I thought you might be right. Now I see the truth.

I'm a very bad person.

Lauren