stuff/nonsense

[Lauren Snyder]

TUMMY BUTTERFLIES

I'm nervous about tonight's show. It's the first time in ages I've been so nauseous over a performance. Perhaps I feel a double responsibility because I'm doing back-to-back shows. Not that my individual contribution either to ICHI NI or to JUICEBOX! will necessarily sway the audience one way or the other ... more like it's bad enough to watch someone suck in a show once, but twice in one night is intolerable.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

VACATIONS AND OTHER REASONS TO LEAVE NEW YORK

Both JUICEBOX! and ICHI NI are out of the Battle Royale, and I can once again enjoy playing for fun and not for sport.

ICHI NI had a decent show on Tuesday, but JUICEBOX! had a charmed show. From the opening through the musical finale, we were doing good stuff. Not all of it was particularly artful, but it was a lot of fun.

I really enjoyed my scenes with teammate Kasha Lewis; there was something special right from the get-go. As soon as she told my character not to leave the house (but in a nervous way in which she expected trouble from me), I knew that I was playing Kevin Mullaney's "Frustrating the Want" exercise from Level 4, and that I should "mirror complement" from my Second City training. Finally, class notes translate to practical applications! :up:

Wednesday's crowd wasn't with us at all, and the whole experience was the complete opposite of Tuesday. Though I enjoyed my first scene with Dave Serchuk (titled, "The Sly Pimp and the Suspicious Fruit Stand Owner"), the rest of the show didn't seem to gel. Thank you if you were in that audience and were there to have fun, but "BOOO!" to the rest of y'all.

Tomorrow I'm missing the Battle Royale finals (featuring boyfriend Chris Butler in Stomping Ground vs. nice guy Charlie Todd in The Office) to see Robert Plant and the Who at the PNC Bank Arts Center with the fam. Good, classic rock 'n' roll fun. A question, though ... why haven't the Who (lead singer, lead guitarist still alive) joined forces with the Beatles (bassist, drummer still alive)? What a British supergroup!

From Saturday through Monday, I'll be in Boston on my first vacation from my job, my first vacation with my boyfriend, and my first trip to Boston. I've never needed a holiday more than now. It will be a 100% schedule- and improv-free trip. Yes, I am counting down the days.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

RECAPS

BOSTON:

Awesome time.

Nice city.

Everyone's short and Irish.

Chris Butler's sister, who guided us around, is so nice, and a looker to boot.

Mike's Pastry makes a mean yellow custard cream puff. Delicious!

Science museums are my absolute favourite places to visit.

Fresh fried seafood is hundreds of times better than frozen fried seafood.

I have a finite amount of tolerance for soaking up new information. Today, that tolerance was pushed to the limit at the New England Aquarium.

Eating the Cheesecake Factory's White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle cheesecake is the closest thing to achieving sexual gratification through your tastebuds.

The perfect location for a hotel is on a river, and across the street from a mall.

Although looking for souvenirs can be fun, having to get souvenirs is no fun at all.

I am totally crazy about my boyfriend. :love:

 

[Lauren Snyder]

END OF AN ERA, AND OTHER CLICHES TO WHICH I DON'T SUBSCRIBE

Yesterday was my last rehearsal with my first-ever practice group. We started out as a get-together during my Level 1 class in February 2001, and grew to encompass people from my Level 2 and 3 classes. At one time or another, almost everyone I know now dropped by to practice. By December, we had formed our core group, and we started to think about shows.

We performed a lot in early spring of 2002, and were one of the "house teams" at FLiPSiDE. Though we didn't do a lot of out-of-rehearsal hanging out, we did have a lot of fun being together and putting on shows. Some of our group highlights included our first FLiPSiDE show in March, the early morning diner breakfast before the Del Close Marathon, and, of course, the marathon show itself. For 6am, we put on one of the fastest Harolds ever!

Our last great show was our first at the Battle Royale. Everything and everyone came together ... the people, the work, the group mind were all there. After that, we have not had the same spirit.

Things end, and now, so has JUICEBOX!

******

So besides ICHI NI (which will always be "a side project"), I'm an improv free agent. I think I'll take the time to do some more writing. Of course, saying that, my next entry may be about how many things other than writing I'm doing. But life is boring when planned, isn't it?

 

[Lauren Snyder]

MORE THOUGHTS ON LOVE AND LOSS

A few more thoughts on the break-up of JUICEBOX! ... and to anyone who thinks I'm dwelling, let me point out that I was in JUICEBOX! longer than any relationship I've had except when I was engaged ...

Telling the group that I was leaving was like simultaneously breaking up with seven people -- eight, actually, if I count Katty B. (our coach). I couldn't look anyone in the eye. It made me feel awful.

Not to trade post-break-up-analysis with Serchuk or anything ... but I will ... yes, JUICEBOX! had some good practices after the Battle Royale, but there was also a lot of group turmoil. I hate problems, I hate confrontations and I hate my friends not getting along. There was a lot of that in recent weeks. Fun scenework will only make me dismiss so much.

But oh, that group ...

Chris Butler, a funny, smart and caring man ... we got to know each other through JUICEBOX!, and if it weren't for all of those midnight JUICEBOX! shows we did, CB and I might not have discovered our :love: for each other ...

Dan Goodman, such an easygoing and friendly guy ... he gave me the stellar reference that got me the job I'm in now!

Bob Greenberg, one of those people you think you have all figured out and then he surprises you ... he taught us about keeping an open communication line in the group.

Kasha Lewis, who I admire for being so mature and together, but who could actually be very silly onstage.

Bill McCormick, a man who can curse like a longshoresman but speak eloquently about a number of topics ... always concerned about how I was doing.

Dave Serchuk, do you realise how fascinating this guy really is? ... so enthusiastic and the go-to guy for an emotional pick-me-up.

Keong Sim, master of patient scenework ... he made such intelligent choices, but wasn't mired in the cerebral, either ... and perpetually on-call to do a bit with you.

Josh Wallach, who came from fancy NY surroundings and holds a steady job with a wife and responsibilities, yet that brain of his ... no one was as wacky as was Josh, or made rehearsing such giddy fun.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

WEEKENDS AND THE THINGS I DON'T DO

SATURDAY:

The first one in a long time when I didn't have to wake up for any particular reason. After snoozing until 10:30am, I watched some television and bought myself a Dell desktop online. Yes! It's coming on Friday. My 1999 computer has run its coolness course, and since I never paid for it in the first place (I was one of 10,000 fortunate Americans to get a freebie from now-defunct freepc.com), I don't feel bad about spending the money to get a new one.

Went to Manhattan for dinner with my boyfriend. He got me a present which included a card! Fellas, cards are a very, very necessary part of gift-giving. It was sweet, and the DVD copy of "A Hard Day's Night" that was attached to it was pretty sweet as well.

Had an ICHI NI show that night, which took on more significance than usual since IN's my only improv outlet right now. Chris Gethard of Fairfield, NJ sat in with us, which made our play extra fun. My scene with Chris and Margot, and later my callback with Chris, were probably my favourite ICHI NI performance scenes to date. I guess Gethard was a substitute for regular ICHI NIer Dave McKeel because of their OI/Joe Ross Tribe connection?

That night I did not feel like any post-show hangouts. Bars are a tired scene for me these days, in both the literal and the fab slang sense. I went back to the boyfriend's pad, showered and crashed.

SUNDAY:

Another day without an agenda! Whose life am I living?! I played the good girlfriend role all day, from making pancakes for us in the a.m. to taking the time when Chris B. was out at work and then at a Giants game to clean his apartment for seven hours! It was very cathartic, really; I put on the show tunes channel and got to work.

My fear of abandonment leads me to make big gestures like that to keep my sig other happy enough to stay. It works out for everyone ... the effort makes me feel like a saint (and who breaks up with saints?) and him feel like the luckiest man on earth. Which, of course, he is.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

JUST ONE MORE REASON FOR ME TO MOVE OUT

So as I've said, I've gotten into the habit of staying in on Fridays to rent movies that no one else will see with me. Tonight I went for something with some NYC indie cred, "Kissing Jessica Stein."

Whenever I rent a movie, my mother will ask me what it is, to decide if she wants to see it after I'm through. Knowing that this would be the case yet again, and not wanting to explain why I had taken out a movie about lesbianism, I actually rented another movie along with it. Something innocuous -- "Greenfingers", of the "charming English folks comedy with a few well-known Brits in the mix" genre -- to show to the parents. In high school terms, the Binaca that you buy along with the box of condoms at Rite Aid.

Why do I feel like I have to hide certain movies' subject matter from my parents? When I rented "But I'm A Cheerleader," I did so on a day when my parents were out so I could relax and enjoy it. Perhaps I worry that my somewhat conservative parents will ask me questions about my choice in films. Or perhaps I worry that it will lead to a conversation that I never want to have.

Anyway, it's good to have a boyfriend in these circumstances.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

TODAY'S HIGHS AND LOWS

HIGH: Waking up in bed with my boyfriend. :love:
LOW: Actually getting out of bed.

HIGH: Buying a foxy corduroy coat vest at the Urban Outfitters sample sale.
LOW: Having to stop shopping and run to get to work.

HIGH: Going to a sketch show meeting at Serchuk's. It was awesome to sit around, eat doughnuts and laugh at each other's work.
LOW: Taking the long-long bus ride home to NJ.

MAJOR HIGH: Setting up my new computer all by myself!
MAJOR LOW: Realising that I won't see pal Scott Jennings again for a while.

Do they (highs and lows) really balance out???

 

[Lauren Snyder]

A ROUND-UP OF THE ARTS

Television has had a strange effect on me.

When I was in elementary school, my teacher asked the class if anyone could define the word "pathetic." My hand shot up, and the teacher called on me.

My definition? From years of watching Looney Tunes, I knew that a character was referred to as "pathetic" after they'd done something silly. So my answer was, "It means 'funny'." The teacher said that I was wrong, and proceeded to give the definition. I was adamant that my answer was correct, and, once I was home, I looked it up in the dictionary to prove that my teacher was wrong.

(In first grade, my belief was that my teacher was less intelligent than me, or she would be teaching a grade higher than first. There were many instances when I would try to explain something to her, and she would look at me blankly. This I interpreted to having gone above her mental level. I was an arrogant little kid.)

The dictionary said that pathetic actually meant "sad." I struggled to figure out what that had to do with being funny, and decided that maybe it wasn't such a funny thing.

-- Cut to this evening, on the 1 train, reading a book*. The word "pathetic" was used, and my initial reaction was that the author's referring to something as funny. It was only when I lingered on the word for another second that I realised I was wrong.

And I thought that television was a teaching tool.



*The book I am currently reading is If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor by Bruce Campbell. This was chosen over Michael Chabon's Summerland, and I stand by my choice. It's a very entertaining book, and has rekindled my desire to appear in a horror film** before I die. Preferably as a zombie Miss America, like in Dawn of the Dead.



**Because of reading the book, I was in the mood to watch some sort of schlocky film. After sifting through the bargain bins at Pathmark for a few minutes, I came up with a $4.99 DVD copy of Hell Comes to Frogtown. I forgot how kinda-hot "Rowdy Roddy" Piper was back in the WWF glory days! This is a quality film, ladies and gentlemen ... just maybe not when it comes to "picture quality." Five dollar DVDs = dark, grainy pictures, bad sound mixing and a poor command of the English language. (The menu instructed me to "STRAT MOVIE".) You are warned.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

JOURNAL USES

I'm in a transitional stage with this journal these days. As it is an "improv journal," I worry about adhering to a certain improv-to-personal-stuff content ratio. And since my current improv experience is limited to infrequent rehearsals and shows with my sole improv group ICHI NI, there isn't much in the way of craft about which to write.

There's a hesitation, too, for me to talk about my boyfriend. For one, he reads this, his good friend Dave Gubbini reads this (hi, Dave!), and many of our friends read it, too. Not like I'm going to write a lot of negative stuff about him ... truth be told, it would be mostly glowing praise about how awesome he is with me. But I also had a lot of good things to say about the previous boyfriend, and, well, anyone who's been a faithful reader of "stuff/nonsense" knows how that one turned out. (Anyone who's just tuning in can get the idea by my referring to him as "the previous boyfriend.")

Can you jinx a relationship by overhyping it? Or did I get too caught up in the idea of that other relationship and fail to see the flaws?

I am a person who wants to settle down, who needs the stability of marriage to counterbalance the instability of my career/mentality. The idea of being single at 30 is completely terrifying to me. In the past, I have made the mistake of "settling" in an effort to settle down. Now I think that I've found someone who is not a compromise, and, indeed, is perfect for me, but I have come across two problems ...

*No one believes me anymore when I say this. I guess I've cried "He's the one!" too often.

and

*Sometimes I doubt myself. I've been absolutely sure those other times, and though I know this relationship is so much better than any I've ever been in, there is no way of knowing if there is a better one until far off in the future.

-- Well, there goes the idea of not talking about my boyfriend. Oops!

OBLIGATORY IMPROV CONTENT: One way I break out of using the "same old default characters" onstage is to play someone else's character. No one will realise that you're doing this because you're inevitably putting your own spin on the character. Besides, comedy is all about people stealing from each other.

Some favourites of mine (not all have yet been used): Elaine May, Gilda Radner, Marilyn Monroe, Katharine Hepburn, Rachel Biello, Amy Rhodes, Jessica Myles, Jackie Clarke, Katty Biscone ...

 

[Lauren Snyder]

Dark, confusing days lately.

My state of mind is all over the place. I worry about destroying my relationship happiness with this need to settle down. Medication's begun again, with supplementals to sleep me up (feels like opium) or chill me out (feels like sleep deprivation). And worst of all, there is something I'm hiding from my memory that's causing the problem.

Welcome to my newly diagnosed world of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Prognosis? Good. Disturbing? As hell.

OBLIGATORY IMPROV CONTENT: Someone from the UCB community was joking around and said something like, "So I guess you're joining the PIT now, huh?"

I'm not joining anything; I'm going where the classes and performance opportunities are, wherever that may be. However, as soon as I scrape up the scratch, I'm going to get some coursework in from Michael Delaney, who I am convinced is the only person who can save me from my current improv plateau.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

SOMETHING LIGHTHEARTED FOR ONCE

Today I bought a cheap microphone, stand, cable and adaptor plug from a music store to practice for my possible foray into singing in a band. With the microphone plugged into my DVD player and amped through my television, I spent a good hour singing along to karaoke cds and regular cds. It is my new favourite toy. :love:

 

[Lauren Snyder]

ROCK STAR DAYZ

As is the way with me, I've now bounced back into a great state of mind, and beautiful things are happening ...

*I'm in a band! Through a fortunate series of coincidences, I tried out for a group on Sunday, featuring Glenn, who I met when he performed with CORPA, the group I got to know by first meeting Rachel outside of the UCB on Harold Night ages ago, who I met through Chris, who I met during one of my UCB Level 3 classes. My life is a series of fortunate coincidences. -- Anyway, the band ... things just felt very right when I jammed with them. And what a nice bunch of folks! The only strange thing is that at 25, I'm the oldest one.

Soon you will learn more about CECIL DREEME ...

*My relationship with Chris keeps getting better. Anyone who knows me will cop to the fact that I'm completely smitten by him, and anyone who's known me for a long time will notice (a) how comfortable I am around him, and (b) how much better he is for me than anyone else I've dated. Hooray for :love: !

*The darkness is over ... for the time being, anyway. Advances in modern pharmaceutocology have brought me Celexa, which has brought me incredible peace of mind without taking away my personality. Hooray for drugs!

OBLIGATORY IMPROV CONTENT: It's frustrating when things work so well in rehearsals and they don't translate to the stage. ICHI NI is doing fun mono scenes with coach/my dream girlfriend Katty B., but when we go to FLiPSiDE, we never have that same cool game play. It's a new form for us, though; let's give it some time.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

FRIVOLITY, CUTENESS AND A SMIDGE OF SAD

My bandmates are quickly becoming some of my favourite people. It's the most amazing thing to experience group mind on a musical level, anticipating each other's moves. We had a big, long practice/fuckaround on Sunday, and the sore throat I had at the end of the day was a small price to pay for that much fun.

*********

There are two new cats at my parents' place, bringing the house total to five. While that is a horrifying number, the new brother/sister act of grey/taupe tabbies Spike and Buffy (yes, of "Vampire Slayer" origin) are the most adorable of kittens. Spike and I have already become good friends; Buffy's a bit on the shy side.

Naturally, longstanding Snyder household felines Casper (my older brother's cat), K.C. and Scully are feeling the shift in affection -- Scully most of all, because she's been the baby for almost two years. It's hard achieving the affection balance these animals require.

*********

Over the last few days, I helped Chris move into his sweet new Murray Hill pad. Last night I spent two hours cleaning the new place, then went over to his old place and packed most of the night.

These efforts, coupled with my strong commitment to and adoration of him, my ability to contribute financially to the new place, and my offers to help clean and to make dinner once a week have still not convinced him that I would make a good girlfriend roommate. What must I do to win him over? PM me with any suggestions ... or PM him on my behalf.

*********

Ah, he knows that that was all in good fun. :angel:

*********

I should email Scott Jennings and tell him how sad I am for him over his mother's passing ... that having gone through my grandfather's illness, I can understand the idea of wanting someone around but also wanting them to be out of pain ... but email's too impersonal for that. Maybe I'll just wait and give him an extra-big hug the next time we meet.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

WHY I LOVE POWER TOOLS

Can I just say that the results of my PM'ing challenge from the last entry are absolutely dismal?

******

Yesterday, I installed a towel rack, a hand towel holder and a bathrobe holder in Chris Butler's bathroom. This morning as I was putting in a second towel rack, I was using a power drill while wearing only a bra and panties. Chris was very appreciative of the combination.


(in a Brooklyn/Chinese accent) Hey guys, I have a great idea for show!

(audience) What's that, Jason?

(IAB/CA) We have pretty girls onstage in underwear, building cabinets and walls while doing short-form improv ... we call it, "Black and Deck-hahahaha!"

(audience) That's a terrible idea for a show, Jason!

(IAB/CA) No, it's great, they make jokes while making furniture. Everyone leaves with a spice rack!

(audience) Why would anyone want a spice rack? That would be boring, Jason. It'll never work!

(IAB/CA) Yeah, I guess you're right ... it's a bad idea for show ...

...

...

Why is it called a toothbrush if you brush more than one tooth?

 

[Lauren Snyder]

#29

It's 12:50pm as I type this in Chris's apartment, still in my sleeping clothes and having just woken up about 45 minutes ago.

I :love: days off.

Since Tuesday, I've done very little except sleep late, play with cats, get more stuff for Butler's pad at Home Depot, check my email and hang out. An actual "trip" vacation would've been too stressful; this is more my speed.

Last night, I met the boyfriend's college roommate and the roommate's girlfriend. We feasted on margaritas and Mexican food at Burrito Loco, and Pete told stories about Chipz in his law school days. Is it way too cute to say that I wish I'd known him then as well?

*sigh* Chris Butler is hands-down the most interesting and awesome person I've ever met. I totally want to marry him and have his babies.

Yes, that's yet another reason why we're the cutest couple ever ...

http://www.improvisation.ws/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=9216

 

[Lauren Snyder]

STOP ACTING CUTE, KITTENS! I AM TRYING TO BE CONTRITE!

This past weekend was the boyfriend's birthday, and I'd been looking forward to it for weeks. The present was bought early, the cake was planned and then ordered the day before, and I spent about an hour putting up streamers and the like on Saturday night to surprise him.

Ring, ring! Yes, sorry Chris, I'm running a little late to your birthday dinner, but of course I can't tell you why, it's a secret.

Ring, ring! I'm almost done ...

Ring, ring! Just give me a second ...

RING, RING!

I'm not answering my goddamn phone anymore!

Telephone calls stress me out. Being late stresses me out. Being reminded of being late stresses me out. Having to play loving girlfriend/hostess at a party stresses me out. Cabs and traffic stress me out.

And of course, the inexplicable and sudden failure of my anti-depressant crazes me up.

So I arrive at the restaurant and the social anxiety sets in, big-time. I am scared of everyone, despite the fact that I am friends with all of them (and have been teammates with most of them). My instinct is to run away, and not being able to makes me frightened and prone to tears.

For a little bit, I am able to coast on silence, but people keep talking to me. Leave me alone!

I escape to the bathroom and hang out in a stall until one of the employees wants to clean it. I go back to the table.

On my way I pass by my coat hanging up and think about putting it on and running out the door. No, it's Chris's birthday, I can't!

I go back to the table. More people come. I am more frightened. Don't look at me, don't talk to me, please just leave me alone! What a time to have a super-attentive boyfriend. I am miserable, and voice this quietly. He is not happy, and voices this quietly.

I am fighting back tears.

Someone tries to start up a conversation with me. I'm sorry, I have to go! Not looking at anyone, I almost break into a sprint as I head towards the door.

Chris tries to find me a cab, and I burst into tears on the sidewalk. He gives me a long and necessary hug, and deposits me in a cab. He is kind enough to save his disappointment for later.

As the cab heads towards his apartment, I try to present a brave face to the driver, who doesn't care what I'm up to. Why can I be calmer with him than my own friends?

It's weird that in a society where therapy is so common-place and accepted, I still feel that I can't turn to friends and say, "Hey guys, I'm sorry, I have to go. I'm having a crippling bout of social anxiety and even your looking at me is too much to handle."

Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't be more forthcoming, and I hope you guys read this journal.

And I hope the tone was serious enough, but kittens are at play around me and it's hard to concentrate.

 

[Lauren Snyder]

WIMPING OUT, MOVING OUT AND MOVIN' UP

I keep starting journal entries and then changing my mind about writing. Why can't I just commit???

*********

This weekend I made a life-altering decision. As with the most recent one (which resulted in my dumping my ex and deciding to date Chris Butler), the thought process was conducted on the bus home to New Jersey. I guess that's one of the few positives of having a 45 minute to an hour commute ... lots of time to wax thoughtful.

Anyway, I'm taking a friend's sublet in Weehawken for two months next year -- February and March 2003. She's graciously agreed to pay for part of her rent to keep it to a cool $450 per month. It'll be exciting to live so much closer to the city! I'm hoping that at the end of the time, I'll be miserable about going back home and will be sufficiently motivated to find a permanent out-of-my-house living sitch.

*********

The band's recording this month! When it finally becomes time for me to "lay down my vocals", I'll feel like such a rock star. Only a few more weeks until I get to sing, and then soon our demo will be complete! This stuff is so much awesomer than me.

*********

Woohoo! Yours truly is listed on the Internet Movie DataBase. To me, that's like one more step to "famous" ...

http://us.imdb.com/Name?Snyder,+Lauren

:up:

 

[Lauren Snyder]

I MENTION MY BOYFRIEND IN LIKE EVERY JOURNAL ENTRY ...

My IRC posting has been completely scaled down to journal entries and birthday wishes. I guess that part of this is due to the fact that I feel cut off from the community these days, especially now that I'm focusing less on improv and more on singing in a band, writing sketches and being in love.

*******

Only four more days of work and I get a nice little vacation, thanks to T. Schreiber being closed until January 6th.

Yesterday was our Studio holiday party, and it was a blast! Hooray for getting drunk, eating like a fool and hanging out with nice folks.

People, don't settle for jobs that you don't like. If you have patience and are willing to do some legwork, you can find a place where people love you and the work week's manageable. It's awesome, trust me!

*******

In two weeks, Chris and I will be celebrating our six-month anniversary!

People, don't settle for significant others that you don't like. If you have patience and are willing to do some legwork, you can find a person who loves you and a relationship that's manageable. It's awesome, trust me!

 

[Lauren Snyder]

ON EDGE

I'm feeling very all-over-the-map today, but most of said feelings are centered on the Island of Self-Pity.

The capital of which, apparently, is Crappy Metaphoria.

One thing that makes me feel better is to create gift wish lists, specifically for pretty things like jewelry. Tonight in honour of the engagement rings thread, I'm designing myself an engagement ring at Mondera.com. The one I've chosen, a 0.6-carat diamond (H colour, VS2 quality) with a platinum band, is $2116 ... which begs the question: if this is just for fun, then why am I sticking to a reasonable price limit?

This is the link, if it works ...

http://www.mondera.com/Images/complete/listimages/3001881_Round.jpg

Very different from the ring that my fiance gave me, a 1/10 carat diamond with a yellow gold band that he bought at a discount store. The proposal happened in the car at a gas station, with the ring pulled out of a plastic bag in the back seat. -- Wow, I know what you're thinking ... but it didn't seem so ghetto at the time.

Some people ask me why I said "yes." I don't know, I thought I was in love. I was 21 and afraid of life after college. Perhaps I just wanted someone to hold onto.