Stars in a Nutshell

Antny

Best Imitation of Myself
#21
For Those Of Ya'll Who Wear Fanny Packs

Self-Proclaimed Wussy Punk-Pop Piano Player Ben Folds wrote:

He shouted out his last word and he stumbled through the yard. And she shattered her last china plate and spun off in the car. When he lunged onto the hood, she stopped to tell him she'd been wrong. He was thrown head over heels into the traffic coming on. But then, all is fair in love.


I think we're all a little bit gay.

I'm not trying to be incendiary. I'm talking about the theory that gaydom is not a yes-or-no kind of thing; it's a sliding scale of homosexitude, and we all lie somewhere on the scale. Actual gay people are near the top, people who engage in same-gender hijinks when they're drunk or high or dared are near the middle, and Colin Powell is near the bottom.

I think the same is true for insanity. I think we're all a little bit crazy. People who eat their own feces are at the top of the scale and Colin Powell is near the bottom, but a lot of us hover in the middle, in an area labeled: "Hopeless Romantic."

When my college girlfriend broke-up with me right after I moved to New York, I had insane visions of hitchhiking across state lines to prove my love. Surely my unexpected arrival on her doorstep with no form of transportation will win her back! I listened to classical piano 24/7 (she was a pianist) and wrote her exhaustive, ridiculous personal essays and short stories over e-mail "inspired" by Rachmaninoff, Beethoven, and Chopin. See how my love for you has led me to boldly reinterpret these masters of artistic achievement?! I also laid on my bed a lot. But I'm not sleeping, my love!

Not healthy. In fact, I would go so far as to call it unhealthy. But man-oh-man it hurts, and you have to do something, right? And asking someone to be rational when they've just been emotionally body-checked is like asking a cow to be on your bowling team: it makes no sense.

Anyway, as I come to the end of the chapter in my memoirs that will inevitably be titled, "Bratty and Bonky," I am surrounded by this mid-range insanity from people I care about (who are dealing with their own Bonky's -- if it is not too presumptuous to use that term universally), and yet I feel none of it myself. I'm not sure why, but I know the time has come for it to end. The message is being broadcast by the Goodyear Blimp into homes across the country, and I'm strangely okay with it. Either I have nothing left to prove or no energy with which to prove it.

The truth is though, I like being nominally insane. I like that sting of ridiculous regret coupled with overwhelming exhiliration. I want to feel it again...sooner or later...with someone else. But that's for later.

For now, I'll cheer on my friends, remind them they're being insane, then grin like a fool when they do the most irrational thing possible because they just can't help themselves.

Afterall, there's no better feeling in the world.

It's cool and blustery today, like dropping an ice cube down your shirt.
 

Antny

Best Imitation of Myself
#22
Dirty Wake

Sandy Bald Guy and Acoustic Rocker Mike Garrigan wrote:

A broken heart with new direction; a blank, blank line with no inflection. All these walls have right angles, and all these thoughts are pure triangles.


I've been trading e-mails lately with a girl.

I'll call her Patasta.

I don't really know her very well. I mean, I know her...just not well. But for some reason we started trading e-mails a few weeks back and before we knew it, we were engaged in a sweaty, lust-filled e-mail flirt-affair. It was hot!

I was writing all kinds of sexy e-mails about lusty things like polar bears. That's right! Polar bears. And men who stalk polar bears. And also an ancient Indian named "Chakala" who liked to say "Hoity-toity!" a lot. And hilarious babies. And also one time a paragraph about a Puerto Rican fort.

Swoon!

Well, apparently. See, it wasn't long before I got this e-mail:

To be honest I don't really need a man right now because I fear I may rip out his heart and stomp on it. But being really honest I just could use a friend and perhaps a bit of hard liquor, heavy petting and making out once in a while.

SWOON!!

Hard liquor?! Heavy petting?! Making out once in a while?! Why...you're not going to believe this, but...I like those things too! We should maybe meet each other somewhere! Perhaps after a day of work! And we can drink this hard liquor and partake of this heavy petting and making out! I think that would be awesome!

Except we did that. She drank gin and I drank scotch and then we made out, and sadly...her e-mail was a big, fat lie.

Patasta may not need a man right now, but she wants one.

Scene: Halloween night. The community garden at the corner of Avenue B and 6th Street. PATASTA and ME are kissing in the garden beside some overgrown weeds and a patch of dead bushes. Eventually the kissing stops.

PATASTA: I have fun with you.

ME: Yeah, I have fun with you too.

(More kissing.)

PATASTA: So...have you told your friends about me?

ME: What?

PATASTA: I told my mom about you. She wants to meet you.

ME: What?

PATASTA: My friend Robert can't believe we're together! He's really happy for us.

ME: What?

PATASTA: I'm pregnant with our baby.


I'm serious. Okay, I'm kidding about the pregnancy (it's impossible for me to ever have children), but the rest is all true. And I'm thinking, "Whoa. What happened to friends who make out once in a while?"

I mean, I realize it's pretty shallow to just want a make-out buddy, but part of me thinks I was the victim of some false advertising. And honestly, I think Patasta is real nice, but I'm not interested in dating her seriously. (It's not really impossible for me to have children...as far as I know.)

The truth is, and this sucks, but honestly I keep meeting girls and going out on dates and having a pretty good time and then thinking, "Yeah, but she's nowhere near as good as Bonky." Which of course, isn't fair...and probably isn't true. Okay, it is true. Maybe. (I probably just jinxed myself and now I really won't be able to have kids. Stupid!)

Anyway, I'm obviously still getting adjusted to this idea of moving on, and most of the time I feel pretty numb. If I liked Patasta, the sequence of events during the last few weeks - going from polar bear e-mails to spooky garden kisses to a brood of strapping young sons - would be awesome (if not still a little fast). But I really don't feel much of anything lately, much less the desire to meet Patasta's mom and dad.

I told Bonky a few weeks ago that I was moving on and that I couldn't wait for her calls anymore, that it was driving me crazy. And of course, she called and apologized and said she wanted to get together.

Then she left the country.

That's what I need to do. Not literally...although that would be fine too. But I need new territory. I need to explore a little bit, see what's out there, build a Puerto Rican fort....and figure out how to leave Bonky behind so I can fit in again.

First though, I guess I have to really want to do that.

It's clear and cool today, like high-priced face soap.
 

Antny

Best Imitation of Myself
#23
Showering Together

Respected News Source AP posted:

This week may be the last chance until 2099 to see a truly spectacular meteor shower, scientists say. The annual Leonid meteor shower usually delivers only a few visible meteors. But there could be thousands each hour Tuesday - the largest such shower expected until the end of the century.


I call bullshit.

5:15am - 1010 WINS wakes me up with it's exciting mix of news and traffic reports. "Hells yeah," I think, "Meteors!"

5:16am - By an act of God, I turn off 1010 WINS at the exact moment my downstairs neighbor, Brooksann, who is in the backyard already, screams out, "I saw something!!"

5:17am - I burst through Brooksann's apartment into the backyard and thrust my head heavenward.

5:18am - Still looking.

5:19am - Still looking.

5:20am - My neck hurts.

5:21am - The sky is actually kind of orange.
"Street lights," says Brooksann.
"Street lights," I say and look down at her knowingly.
"There's one!"
"Crap!"
"You missed it."

5:23am - I'm looking up. I say:
"So you saw They Might Be Giants in White Plains tonight?"
"Yeah, they had the ugliest audience I've ever seen."
"What do you mean?"
"They were all just these ugly kids with acne and facial piercings. It was clear we were the only people who made the trip from New York City."
"So people in White Plains are ugly - DID YOU SEE THAT!?"
"Nice! Yeah. Facial piercings are not a good idea if you're ugly."

5:24am - Nothing.

5:25am - Nothing.

5:26am - Okay, that was a big one.

5:28am - Nothing again. An airplane, but really nothing.

5:30am - Brooksann and I decide that we are not seeing very many because the sky is too bright and possibly a little cloudy.
"There's probably thousands and thousands of them falling and we just can't see them."
"I don't think so. But I think we should wake everyone up and make them come out here anyway."
"I think I just saw a really tiny one."

5:35am - Brooksann throws her arms skyward and screams, "Come on nature! Stop being such a bitch!"

5:38am - We discuss how fast the meteors are when we actually do see them.
"They're so fast."
"Yeah."

5:40am - I get really deep and philosophical.
"You know, you never realize how big the sky is until you try to look at all of it at once."
"That's true."

5:42am - A line of birds flies by at a really incredible height. They are not in the normal V-formation, but a kind of wormy line flying drunk and off-center.
"Oh my God, look at those birds!"
"That's so cool."
"That's better than the meteors!"
"I didn't think birds flew at night."
"Where do you think they're going?"
"South."
"Yeah. South."
"Definitely."
"South."
"Where the fuck are the meteors?"

5:44am - I am seriously contemplating giving up on nature entirely.
"I swear I read on like four different websites that there were supposed to be 5000 meteors an hour. That's a lot, right?"
"Not happening!"
"Why? WHY!?!"
"Maybe it's a trick."

5:45am - Okay, one more and I'm going in.

5:46am - Fuck it, I'm going in.

5:47am - "Hey Brooksann, thanks for letting me stand in your backyard with you and watch the stupid, sucky meteor shower."
"We saw a couple of cool ones."
"Yeah that's true."
"I'm glad we did it."
"Yeah, I am too."
"I thought you said it was stupid and sucky."
"Oh, I say that about all meteor showers. See you tomorrow."

It's cloudy and autumnal today, like the smell of wet leaves burning.
 

Antny

Best Imitation of Myself
#24
Exile

Rollerskating Artiste Harris K. Telemacher said:

Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?


Bonky isn't in love with me.

She's in love with an idea, a snapshot of "normal" midwestern, suburban tranquility: three-story house, two cars in the driveway, health benefits, children rolling Hot Wheels across the hardwood floor, {insert appropriate husband here}.

It makes me sad. Not only because she's decided that I am not and never will be the person to fill that blank, but mostly because a year ago Bonky was a person who mocked the Blankers. She was better than all of them, the people who married for money, or for ideals, or for any fucking reason at all other than love.

But in the year we've been apart, that's all changed. She's decided the Blanker's life is good enough. And it makes me sad, because she deserves more. It breaks my heart to think of her settling...settling for anything less than the risk of having her heart broken again. By which I mean actually giving it to someone. The one...who's out there...and isn't me.

But then again, time changes us all. And if time has made Bonky into a Blanker, then I'm really not the person to fill that blank. Because I refuse to be that. I envy the early years of my parent's marriage, when they had nothing, when they forged their life together through sheer determination and will. They had goals and dreams, but there were no blanks...they created their lives together. I think that's why they were still in love 36 years later.

That's what I want. Sure, I want all the things in life, the stereotypes: the hi-fi digital entertainment center, trips to the beach house, children rolling Hot Wheels across the hardwood floor. But mostly, I want to still be in love 36 years from now. Everything else? Who knows what it will be? And who cares? I'll have someone I love filling in those blanks with me.

It'll happen. And I hope it happens for Bonky. I hope someone who can give her all the things she wants comes along and shakes her up, and takes her heart before she can stop them. She deserves that...no matter what she's already decided.

It's clear and breezy today, like standing on the front of a boat watching someone you don't know throw food to birds.
 
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