Son of Your One True Love

[Whines]

Decelerating

Met up with SILVIJA OZOLS, ERNIE PRIVETERA, ELLIOT KALAN, CHRIS KULA and TIM CONWAY for Group Tennis Friday night. Fifteen people on each side of the court. Each point takes about 10 minutes to score since it's pretty hard to miss until team members start knocking each other unconscious. Game finished at midnight, at which point we headed over to a nearby bowling alley for turkey and brie-flavored beer. "Mmm, good!" said TIM CONWAY.

PTOLEMY SLOCUM, myself and a TIMID INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER hit the town Saturday night. "You guys doing anything fishy?" we asked a bunch of guys loading televisions onto a truck underneath the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. "No," they said. "Okay," we said. "Sorry to bother you." Then we went home and watched Tron.

EUGENE CORDERO and I went hunting in an EVIL FOREST on Sunday. We shot two MEAN DEER, four TERRIBLE QUAIL, six or seven NASTY GEESE and a PLEASANT DOE. "That last one was an accident," Eugene said.

On her car, DYNA MOE has windshield wipers made of human arms. "Creepy, but also effective," she remarked as she pulled into a parking garage made of pies.

 

[Whines]

Distracting

MATT DECOSTER and I spent our Saturday thinking up condescending nicknames for grandfather clocks. "Old Loudy-Clock," said Matt. "Old Big-and-Old," I suggested. "Mr. Tick-Tock the Crappy," Matt responded. "Dr. Unnecessary," said I. "Old Timey Time the Plinkity Plunk Meshuggena," said Matt. "All right, that's good. That'll show those grandfather clocks," I said. Then we climbed aboard a huge inflatable Statue of Liberty and sailed to Morningside Heights for some good Cafe Con Leche.

 

[Whines]

Well-Rested

Today at the Great River, an explosion sounded, then huge cracks appeared in the dam. Huge moaning creaking sounds filled the valley, and we knew that old lake was going to be pouring down on top of us. Mothers grabbed their children right off the picnic blankets, and men scrambled for their cars. The wise ones dropped to their knees for a final prayer. Suddenly, DAN DUNFORD swung in from his helicopter with an enormous Band-Aid. Calmly but with great focus, he fastened the adhesive to the crumbling dam and held it there, giving us enough time to evacuate the valley. As I rode away in a police speedboat, I turned to wave hello. He reached over and tipped his derby and threw me a Metrocard. "Still got 5 rides on it!," he exclaimed. Not bad, DAN DUNFORD! Not bad!

Last night, my IMPROVISATIONAL COMEDY GROUP did a sold-out show at the UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATRE. Before we started, a MINIATURE GUIDE HORSE FOR BLIND PEOPLE stepped up on stage and charmed the crowd. We were delighted. Afterwards, we all posed for polaroids with it and then went to an Irish pub to talk about whether or not SOME MOVIE WITH WILL FERRELL was full of crap or not.