Slowly Going Insane

[skitzot]

The one thing I learned, the one thing that marked my transition into adulthood, was the realization that everything will die. No matter what everyone you love, know, or even see on the street will die. Nothing can stop it or slow it down. Death is a force. This is where I start to get lost. The fringe between ignorance and unavoidable knowledge. Everyone has an invisible gun held to their heads. This fact drives me mad. We waste our lives, every second past can never be returned, exchanged, or altered. Even if you get a "never waste a second" attitude on life, how can reclaim those lost doses of time?

This is my problem, I look at things too close. Sometimes, if you do that, you miss the bigger picture...

 

[skitzot]

Sluts

What makes a slut a slut? Sleeping with buttloads of people? Or bragging about sleeping with buttloads of people? In this age of newcoming sexual freedom for women I belive it's the latter. Having sex for fun is cool, I mean guys do it, why not women? Then again, don't you think guys who brag excessively about screwing some girl on the hood of their parents buick, while it's parked in their garage, aren't guys like that nasty? Am I right? Same with girls? I hate girls who think it's sorta funny they got Gonorihha from some guy they were sport screwing, while they were engaged to another guy. Yes, I knew someone like that, an she was and still is a slut. But my terms are my terms. So what does it matter to you? How many people have you slept with? Does it matter to me? No, it doesn't. I'm not going to judge you. But take the time out of your day, to make me uncomfortable or sick to my stomach by saying how you sucked the newspaper boy's dick or fucked some girl in the backseat of your charger without me inquiring, you're a slut in my book. Sorry but that's how I feel....

 

[skitzot]

My crazyness

When you get to where I am people are just a bunch of stats. Height, age, weight, favorite color, favorite food, and anything else you can imagine. When I see someone I know all I see is: blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'9", 140lbs, 19yrs, hates red meat, and loves country music. I'm so analytical, that I think I'm going mad. Data and facts meets flesh and blood. My few friends I treat differently, they're real. When you get to where I am, every is so distant they are just data, synapses in my brain firing, neurons dying, being shocked to death.

Everything is in patterns, swirling and merging, neverending. In the middle is me, slowly understanding that there is nothing. Between my atoms, and your atoms, is empty space. Think about it like this. The nucleous of an atom is a basketball lying in a football field and the electrons are running laps around the stadium. Between the necleous and the electrons is me, is us. Nothingness, is everything and somewhere in between is Einstien, Divinci, Jesus, Buddaha, me, and you. To much knowledge is poison. Curiosity has killed this cat.

 

[skitzot]

I hate people...

Men are pigs, and women are bitches. A common arguement these days. Everytime I expect something from a person, a saying or an action, I'm dissapointed. Nothing is original anymore, nothing. Everything said has been said before, in some language, somewhere.... It's almost maddening. I can never say anything really new... which is kinda depressing.

I hate people who "know everything," I sure as fuck don't know everything and neither do they. People these days take pride in knowledge, we are taught that knowledge is important and worthwhile. So is money, or so we are told. Yet, knowlede, unlike money, isn't a real solid thing, it's in our minds. Knowledge can be counterfeit, and people can be stubborn. I stare deep into a persons eyes when they are telling me something I know isn't true or being stubborn. I want to know if they know that they aren't right, that something in their mind is streching to fill a gap. Whether it's a gap of reason or of knowledge. So far, I can't tell. Maybe it's a function of ego. Hell even Freud was bullshitting, there isn't a god-given maunal for the human psyche after all. An idea is an idea, just that, nothing more. A strand of thought that can be proven based upon our observations. Can we ever be proven, truly proven? Can god, if there is one, step on down and say "well, you figured it out, your right.!"? Honestly, if there is a Rature, Tribulation, or Apocalyspe; it would be god coming down and asking us why we can't fly, or laughing at our physics, or maybe even staring at us and asking where our souls went...

 

[skitzot]

Dreams and Schemes

I never wondered why dreams happened until I was 4. When I was 4, I had a dream that I thought was real. To my disapointment, it wasn't. After that I always began to wonder if I was dreaming or awake. Do you even know?

What are dreams but a line drawn into reality by our brains. Who's to say dream aren't real, aren't another form of reality? But then again, what happens to those people that live in a dream world, dreams so powerfull, that they overtake there lives. Are they insane? Am I?

 

[skitzot]

Suicidal mom

Ever wonder if your mom ever wanted to secretly kill herself?

My dad once told me that the only reason he's still alive, still being tormented in this hell that is life, is because of me. This makes me feel just peachy, letme tell you. After that I wonder if this is the first time he felt that way, has he ever deen like that becasue of me? Then I got to thinking about my mom. Can you be causing your parents torment simply by living? This has made me question my place in everything, even my life with my girlfriend has been affected. I'm prone to outbursts of anger that are undoubtably tied to this somehow. In what way I dare not think.

 

[skitzot]

I hate myself and want to die...

Not just a Nirvana song. It's how I feel sometime, way too often. I wonder, will I ever own my own home, have 2.5 kids, be ahppily married? Will I be happy with this? Does it even matter? Right now I'm so lost my heads buzzing. Throughout the day I keep thinking I hear people calling my name, only when I turn around no one is there. Or worse I'm alone and someone calls me name, or yells at me, or flashes of memory, reawakened dreams.... Sadly this is true, whether my subconcious is fucking with me or not, I can't figure out.

It's not like it happens a lot. Just occasionally, although with more and more frequency. Hence the post title.

Sometimes I sit around late at nite. My girlfriend next to me, asleep, and wonder, am I completely and totally fucked? Can I ever be happy? Am I fiannly losing my grip? After years of dealing with my parents and keeping it together then, is all the pain, hurt, and anger surfacing now? Is that deep place where I force everything inside full and finally leaking? How long before the dam bursts?

 

[skitzot]

Everyone loves a rapist

Why is it that on the cover of three national magazines are two men, both cold blooded killers, both snipers? Do we glamorize violence and sexual disadents now? When did this happen? I hate the new "Corprate America."

Where am I going? Endless circles walking, forever? Does anything ever happen to make fate decide for you? A doctor, a lawyer, a porn star, or an I.T. professional, these things I could be. But there's a difference between a job and a career. A career should be your passion. Here's the prob, I don't know what my passions are. So unless I find a job that pays me $50,000+ a year to have wild sex with my girlfriend, I'm outta luck on my passions list. What am I to do? Meditate I guess.

Meditation I rarely do for a reason: weird shit happens to me. The last time I meditated I got really deep into it. Then out of nowhere my body is slammed with a electric current feeling and a incrediably loud buzling noise, like I'm being torn in two. Then, of course I'm scared shitless, and I try and snap outta it, but it's real hard to do. Needless to say I don't like to meditate. I wonder if thats a symptom of some underlying mental illness? I asked my former friend, and self proclaimed guru, Sarah about this a long time ago and she was at a loss for words. Finally, I got some answers from my girlfriends mom, a former High Priestess to a Wiccan Coven. She said I was trying to astral project and me stopping it was causing the pain and fear. Odd. I'm going to have to find that out. I will meditate tonite. If anything happens, I'll let you know....

 

[skitzot]

I'm so stupid

I don't handle things right. Like I'm from another culture or something. Everytime I try and do something normal, like hang out with the guys, there is always some dumb uncomfortable moment. Like I say something weird and out of context to the point of where they don't even make fun of me. I dunno, there's just something off about me. Not just my social skills either...

 

[skitzot]

I can't keep a promise...

I will lose 20 lbs by January.

I will not be late again.

I will never hurt you.

I promise.

I can never keep a promise. I lie to myself and others. Like the other day, when I said I was going to push my limits on my astral projection, I chickened out. Like I said, the vibrations are scary. I think thats the one thing I need to fix about me, the one thing keeping me from sucess...

I wonder what would happen if everyone on Earth stopped lying to themselves. What kind of society would we become?

 

[skitzot]

Boiling Point

I know you will read this, eventually you will. You know me, we share the same bed.

I need you, don't leave me. With out you, I will lose it. You're my only line to reality, you're my anchor, my pilar, my god.

Now I feel it, rock that is my soul. You can't touch me. Your words can't affect me, I can't feel emotion for them, but they still hurt so bad. I love you.

 

[skitzot]

I wanna write again...

When I was little I used to write. Stories, tons of them, I loved it. Sure they were pretty lame, but what else can you expect from a 7 year old. I don't remeber why I stopped, maybe some parents insult to a plotline or some stupid character. The point is I want to write, anything. I suppose thats why I started this journal.

I anything new, after all, the world is how old. What has been said has been said. Are any thoughs new? I am haunted by these thoughts.

What bothers me deeply is rape. The idea of rape alone should have been erased from our greedly little minds long ago. Rape isn't a physical thing, thats what jacking off is for, rape is about power and control. In our self-centered, greedy little world, rape our cultural crime. A sign of the times. It's been around probably since the begings of man, but why does it thrive today?

An especially evil idea is child molestation, an even worse perversion of rape. The idea itself is a crime in my eyes. Men and women who indulge or profit from it, in my opinion, should be put into a waking coma. To live out their lives frozen, and inmobile, unable to see or talk. Such a prison defies sanity. They deserve this and more. The latter is punishment only god or karma can deliver.... god help us all.

 

[skitzot]

I feel odd...

I feel like studing Magik, or ritual magik, or even the qualballah. Something that can prove that the world is more then it seems. Ever feel like that?

Night Fear

Every day I see the sky,
I fear the earth will open,
bleed, and die.

Life is a test,
Or so I was told.
To question it,
much, much too bold.

As sunlight, scarlet sets,
twisted shadows gain and step.
To my door, one by one.
The shadows angry,
all for none.


I writting something now, deep in my head. Plots being made, soon I shall release them on paper....

 

[skitzot]

Porn

Some shit that bothers me about porn:

1.) Cumshots - How degrading to women in general. Yet somehow arousing.... j/k....

2.) Bukkake - Even sluts have their limits, and apparently being drenched in like 12 guys cum isn't one of them.

3.) Scat/Urine - What the hell is wrong with you.... How is that even related to sex?

4.) Snoballing/2 Much Cum - Yes, cum turns guys on, especially when two girls are fighting over your load. Yes, I buy porn for cum, forget about hot girls, they're not important. What matters is the cum. Right, there needs to be less white shit, and more pussy.

If it wasn't for blowjobs, my collection would be 100 percent lesbian, instead of 98% lesbian.

Sorry, I'll be serious tomarrow....

 

[skitzot]

Meditation

I'm going to try it, no lies or fears. I'm going to do it. Something will come of it, of this I'm sure.

Bring Some Fun into Your Lives ( Not Porn )

 

[skitzot]

God Help us All

I forget things I ought to remember. on purpose or accidentally?

I ignore the obvious when it stares me in the face.

My sickness can only be described as: self doubt, hate, fear, and failure to accept reality. One thing I was never taught, just accept it, don't escape into some dream world untill it all blows over. This is my problem, this is who I am, this is what needs to die.

Ask yourself this:

Who are you?

Where are you going?

Where did you come from?

Answer those and sleep sounder tonite....

 

[skitzot]

Was it really so bad...

It would be 4:00am. I'd be blasting Nirvana, my mom would either be too high to care or not be home at all. My dad lived somewhere else, my sister, was asleep. I have school that morning. This was my life. It got to the point where I held a hunting knife to my wrists. Nirvana saved my life, after al, what did suicide do for Cobain? Much less me...

Others had it worse, way worse, in ways that I know I couldn't stand. The one I love was put through this. She was tortured in various forms throughout her childhood. Yet she survives, as I do, stronger then me; no doubt. It makes me put things into perspective, after all, with all she had happen to her, was nothing compared to what happened to me, right? Tell that to me when I was 15, back then it was my life, and I was getting fucked over everyday in everyway. Now, after the anger has simmered, I can see just how lucky I truly was, and just how lucky she was. Thank god for that...

 

[skitzot]

Everything is Silver

The colored path lay,
dark, distant, and away.
Everyone hates me,
and here I stay.

When light turns shadow,
dark melts into light,
here I lie, in shadow.

Not dark, not light,
not forwards or backwards,
forever inbetween.


I got a book on the Kabbalah, I hope this will help expand my ever growing interest on mysticism. Now, with Sarah gone, I can actually get true facts from acccredable sources. I wonder about this whole mysticism thing, where can it lead me? Somewhere good I hope. Maybe it can renew my faith in some sort of twist religon, heck I'll just make my own..

 

[skitzot]

Been Fun

I have to lay off the postings. Just too busy. Been fun guys. Take care, I'll post again if I'm ever bored....