RollerCoaster
It's been a roller coaster ride since my last post.
The important thing is that I am beginning to feel better. Beginning to see the sunlight through the clouds. Beginning to believe that I CAN make it out of the darkness, and even if I'm not there yet, the light exists.
I want to also take the time to acknowledge another reader who sent me what I can only describe as a very heartfelt private message. Besides letting me know that my recent problems brought this person to tears, I was also offered a genuine, warm hug and reassurances that I shouldn't have to go through all of this. Although we've never met, I feel the hug, and no I don't think you're weird!
SO, thank you to another reader who responded to my personal crisis. You guys don't know how much it keeps me motivated to write about my life and open up even more when I get feedback. I've seen Gypsy say the same thing and it's SO true.
Hereforth I endeavour to be even more honest about my life because I'm inspired by the reality that LIVING PEOPLE read my stuff and care about what happens to me
I have some ideas for future entries that, while painful, may help me get over some terrible things in my past.
Now onward to the latest...
When I left off I had left her the final "I love you and miss you" voice mail on Saturday night. A few hours later I made my posts.
She never called on Saturday. Sunday came and went. I was listless and restless all day. I felt depressed at the thought of being home all day doing nothing - more depressed at the thought of leaving the house and "pretending" to have fun. I almost broke down and called her, but I resisted.
I knew that if I called to find out her number had been disconnected as she had advised me, it would be too crushing of a blow to deal with. I resolved to NOT call her again and no matter what pain I felt, I knew I'd feel worse if I rolled the dice and they came up SNAKE EYES. The thought that she had disconnected her phone so that I couldn't call her would have been a crushing blow.
Sunday came and went. I listened to sad music all day. I got about 5 hours sleep, if that.
Monday I was a zombie. But you know what? I felt ....slightly....better. I found myself thinking about why I was feeling better, but when I pondered it, I started feeling bad. I quickly realized that I'm better off just rolling with the situation. Don't question why I felt better, just enjoy it while it lasts!
Today (Tuesday) was going pretty well too. Still sleep deprived, but a little less of the "just punched in the stomach" feeling.
Around 2pm EST, she called me at work. We spoke for 45 minutes.
She started off saying that she wanted to acknowledge and thank me for the message I left on Saturday. That it was nice to hear me say that I loved her and missed her. That she didn't know how to respond but she knew she couldn't just leave that last message hanging in the air. She wanted to call me Sunday but couldn't bring herself to. She wanted to call Sunday night on the way home from work but couldn't bring herself to.
She admitted that on Friday when I'd called her and she'd been abrupt, the guy she is now seeing was right there. She had to talk tough because he didn't know she had been calling me just two nights before. She had to make it seem like I called her OUT OF THE BLUE after not having spoken to her since that fateful Saturday night.
I accepted her answer, but it hurt. I told her that no matter what happens she is NEVER going to talk to ME like I'm shit just because some other asshole is nearby. I'm not gonna be the guy that you push around so you can save face in front of someone else. Screw that.
The thrust of her conversation with me at this time seems to be something like this:
She wants to sweep past bullshit under the rug. She finally is willing to do her best to put negative history behind her. All the shit we went through...all of her resentment....all of her insecurities....all of her bad thoughts....she is going to try her best to LET GO of.
I think it's a great idea and I told her so. It's only too bad she couldn't do it while we were still together.
After she pushes aside this past negativity, according to her, she is going to "clean house" with this new guy she is seeing. She says she wants to get out of the relationship immediately but it's "complicated". I don't know if she lacks the strength to do it, or if she lacks a rational explanation to give him, or what.
I am instantly suspicious and will remain guarded. Women who SAY they are PLANNING to leave some guy can be the most dangerous creatures on the planet. Still, in principle I am supportive of her being completely on her own and really trying to find herself before moving into another relationship.
After she has gotten her mental and relationship affairs in order, it is possible that we will speak again. I don't know how that will work out. But what it WILL do is allow me to keep an arm's length distance from the situation in the meantime, and in the event that she gets her life cleared out and simplified, the groundwork for a solid long term friendship will be much more solid. Because there is no way to have an orderly dialogue with her in the midst of this emotional chaos.
I felt remarkably calm while I talked to her. Had she called me 2 days ago I would have been a wreck. Today, I just came to realize that with her, the bottom line is :
The water is murky and muddied. I won't even consider swimming in it until it's clear.
She needs to straighten out her shit. I need to refocus myself and decide what I really want, without the anguish of jealousy or sadness attached. When all of this is done, maybe her and I can decide if we can ever be together again. But my expectations are low, because it remains to be seen whether she really CAN let go of past shit and get rid of the guy she's dating now.
If she has the strength, I'll respect her. If she doesn't, I'll know that nothing has really changed after all, and I refuse to allow history to repeat itself.
- Vampyr
It's been a roller coaster ride since my last post.
The important thing is that I am beginning to feel better. Beginning to see the sunlight through the clouds. Beginning to believe that I CAN make it out of the darkness, and even if I'm not there yet, the light exists.
I want to also take the time to acknowledge another reader who sent me what I can only describe as a very heartfelt private message. Besides letting me know that my recent problems brought this person to tears, I was also offered a genuine, warm hug and reassurances that I shouldn't have to go through all of this. Although we've never met, I feel the hug, and no I don't think you're weird!
SO, thank you to another reader who responded to my personal crisis. You guys don't know how much it keeps me motivated to write about my life and open up even more when I get feedback. I've seen Gypsy say the same thing and it's SO true.
Hereforth I endeavour to be even more honest about my life because I'm inspired by the reality that LIVING PEOPLE read my stuff and care about what happens to me
I have some ideas for future entries that, while painful, may help me get over some terrible things in my past.Now onward to the latest...
When I left off I had left her the final "I love you and miss you" voice mail on Saturday night. A few hours later I made my posts.
She never called on Saturday. Sunday came and went. I was listless and restless all day. I felt depressed at the thought of being home all day doing nothing - more depressed at the thought of leaving the house and "pretending" to have fun. I almost broke down and called her, but I resisted.
I knew that if I called to find out her number had been disconnected as she had advised me, it would be too crushing of a blow to deal with. I resolved to NOT call her again and no matter what pain I felt, I knew I'd feel worse if I rolled the dice and they came up SNAKE EYES. The thought that she had disconnected her phone so that I couldn't call her would have been a crushing blow.
Sunday came and went. I listened to sad music all day. I got about 5 hours sleep, if that.
Monday I was a zombie. But you know what? I felt ....slightly....better. I found myself thinking about why I was feeling better, but when I pondered it, I started feeling bad. I quickly realized that I'm better off just rolling with the situation. Don't question why I felt better, just enjoy it while it lasts!
Today (Tuesday) was going pretty well too. Still sleep deprived, but a little less of the "just punched in the stomach" feeling.
Around 2pm EST, she called me at work. We spoke for 45 minutes.
She started off saying that she wanted to acknowledge and thank me for the message I left on Saturday. That it was nice to hear me say that I loved her and missed her. That she didn't know how to respond but she knew she couldn't just leave that last message hanging in the air. She wanted to call me Sunday but couldn't bring herself to. She wanted to call Sunday night on the way home from work but couldn't bring herself to.
She admitted that on Friday when I'd called her and she'd been abrupt, the guy she is now seeing was right there. She had to talk tough because he didn't know she had been calling me just two nights before. She had to make it seem like I called her OUT OF THE BLUE after not having spoken to her since that fateful Saturday night.
I accepted her answer, but it hurt. I told her that no matter what happens she is NEVER going to talk to ME like I'm shit just because some other asshole is nearby. I'm not gonna be the guy that you push around so you can save face in front of someone else. Screw that.
The thrust of her conversation with me at this time seems to be something like this:
She wants to sweep past bullshit under the rug. She finally is willing to do her best to put negative history behind her. All the shit we went through...all of her resentment....all of her insecurities....all of her bad thoughts....she is going to try her best to LET GO of.
I think it's a great idea and I told her so. It's only too bad she couldn't do it while we were still together.
After she pushes aside this past negativity, according to her, she is going to "clean house" with this new guy she is seeing. She says she wants to get out of the relationship immediately but it's "complicated". I don't know if she lacks the strength to do it, or if she lacks a rational explanation to give him, or what.
I am instantly suspicious and will remain guarded. Women who SAY they are PLANNING to leave some guy can be the most dangerous creatures on the planet. Still, in principle I am supportive of her being completely on her own and really trying to find herself before moving into another relationship.
After she has gotten her mental and relationship affairs in order, it is possible that we will speak again. I don't know how that will work out. But what it WILL do is allow me to keep an arm's length distance from the situation in the meantime, and in the event that she gets her life cleared out and simplified, the groundwork for a solid long term friendship will be much more solid. Because there is no way to have an orderly dialogue with her in the midst of this emotional chaos.
I felt remarkably calm while I talked to her. Had she called me 2 days ago I would have been a wreck. Today, I just came to realize that with her, the bottom line is :
The water is murky and muddied. I won't even consider swimming in it until it's clear.
She needs to straighten out her shit. I need to refocus myself and decide what I really want, without the anguish of jealousy or sadness attached. When all of this is done, maybe her and I can decide if we can ever be together again. But my expectations are low, because it remains to be seen whether she really CAN let go of past shit and get rid of the guy she's dating now.
If she has the strength, I'll respect her. If she doesn't, I'll know that nothing has really changed after all, and I refuse to allow history to repeat itself.
- Vampyr
Last edited: