Single Male Syndrome

[Vampyr]

The following things are true:
- I'm single.
- I'm single because I'm coming out of a long relationship / engagement.
- People around me do strange stuff.
- Being a single guy leads me into a lot of memorable situations and stories.
- I don't write much anymore and I really want to get back to writing.
- These other journals rule and being in the company of such greatness is inspiring.
- Highlighting memorably daily events and distilling them to a single "snapshot" moment seems pretty cool.

Notable Event of the Day: Friday, 5:00am, October 10 - The Sleep Burglar

It seems no matter what happens, I can't get a good night's sleep lately. I am one of those people who consistently needs 7-8 hours of sleep or else I really suffer the next day, yawning and just feeling mentally "sluggish" all day. I've been exercising lately, so that helps me feel marginally more rested, but time after time it seems events conspire to keep me from a peaceful night's rest.

Last week, on a Thursday night, I was really tired from a long week at work. Things have been a little stressful at the office here, mainly because this economy just makes it harder and harder to sell software. I made a promise to myself Thursday night to get to bed early, not only to catch up on sleep but also in anticipation of a promising Happy Hour the next night. A "girl I used to date" was going to be there, I hadn't seen her in a few years, and of course my normal group of guy friends that I've been hanging out with the past month and a half since I've been single.

At nearly 2am I find myself still laying in bed, glued to the TV screen, unable to fall asleep. I adjust my alarm clock to 8:45am to compensate for this unfortunate turn of events. A sense of dread creeps over me as I realize I am already behind-the-eight-ball in accomplishing my slumber goals.

As luck would have it, at 5am on the nose, my doorbell rings very loudly. It's doubly loud since my house has minimal furniture (my fiancee took most everything when she moved out, and since I had thrown out my bachelor furniture when we moved in together, the place is bare mostly bare walls and bare tile with a bed, a couch, and an entertainment center). So this terrible chiming noise wakes me up in a total panic. I fly out of bed, more asleep than awake, and grab my trusty .45 from under the bed. With hair poofy hair and breath that could kill any intruder, I slink towards the front door in traditional "combat position".

Let me pause for a second. Why would I grab a gun just because the doorbell rang at 5am? Honestly, I have no idea. Somehow through the mental cobwebs I thought this might be some sophisticated robbery attempt. The "robber" would ring my doorbell, hide out of the line of sight of my peephole, and then clobber me when I opened the door. Or something like that. Only later did I realize that the doorbell is awfully loud and the neighbors can probably hear it, and plus, what would he do if I didn't open the door? His plan would be foiled and he wouldn't be left with much of a backup plan since, being wide awake, I'd be very keen to hear any other suspicious noises such as a window being broken or a door being jimmied. That strategy seems a little flawed.

Maybe I also thought it could be my ex-fiancee - that's the time she gets off work and maybe she has gone a little weird on me. But I didn't really think about that until much later.

I look through the peephole - no one is there. I look through a window that gives me an angle to see the front door area - no one is there. I popped open the door, gun in hand, and stepped out. No one around. By now I'm wide awake. I tried to go back to sleep, but I wasn't having much luck.

30 minutes later the doorbell goes off again. To make a long story short, it goes off every 10-15 minutes after that until I have to finally get dressed and ready for work. I didn't get another wink of sleep. Only after the first few times did I remember the previous owner of the house making a flippant comment that bears further scrutiny.

ME: How come the doorbell doesn't work?

FORMER OWNER: Oh, I unplugged it.

ME (thinking that I can't understand how you "unplug" a doorbell since it's based on wiring): What happened, is it broken?

FORMER OWNER: No, but for some reason it started going off one night in the middle of the night and wouldn't stop ringing all night, so I opened it up and unhooked the wires.

So there you have it. Of course the first thing I did when I bought the house and moved in was re-attach the wires in the doorbell, test it out, and think to myself smugly how foolish women are. I guess I sorta thought either someone had played a prank on her, or that the button had simply been stuck. Six months, 9 days after I moved in it was still working fine. Six months, 10 days after I moved in, it's ringing all night long.

I planned to unhook it again this past weekend but ya know, oddly enough, it hasn't happened again so I'm gonna take a wait-and-see approach.

Snapshot of the day: Standing by my door in my boxers, alfalfa-sprout hair, pitch dark, ready to confront the "doorbell bandit" with the business end of a Springfield 1911 A1 .45 caliber.

 

[Vampyr]

"Stripper Whore"

Just a little note: I had started working on some of these journal entries about 4 days ago but needed to muster up the courage to start posting...so I'm gonna drop in this one, and one other one, in rapid succession. Thereafter I'll update in "real-time" from then on

Notable Event of the Day: Saturday Morning, 2:00am, October 4 - "Stripper Whore"

I'm jumping around on dates here, mainly as a way to bring up recent events that may have bearing in the future, and so you can all understand a little more about what I'm going through lately.

My ex-fiancee, who moved out of the house about a month and a half ago, was a Stripper. Swear to god, even though this may seem a little fishy to anyone reading this. I realize for a "new journal" that many people think that new writers are embellishing just to try and "beat" some of the other writers on here. You just have to take my word for it that everything that I write is honest, flattering or not.

Maybe I should talk a little about this "stripper thing", since one of my long-time female friends (who I'll refer to as "Grace") called me a "stripper whore" the other night while we were at a strip club. It got me thinking.

The truth is I never viewed "ex-fiancee" as a stripper. It was probably the least important aspect of her life. I'm a reasonabe guy - I realize that the stereotype about strippers is almost entirely true. 95% of them are everything people think they are - problems with drugs and alcohol, and borderline prostitutes. Sometimes not-so-borderline. They come from broken families, are poorly educated, and have incredibly low self-esteem. I figure in the time I was with ex-fiancee, based on what she had told me, nearly every girl there had "crossed the line" in one way or another. Making out with customers, performing sex acts in the dreaded "champagne room", or using the strip club as the stepping stone for their escort/prostitution activities.

But the weird thing was, I knew instantly that ex-fiancee wasn't like that. She was the 5% that are actually really good people, who are loyal and trustworthy, respect themselves and their bodies, and somehow command a certain level of the same respect from the drunk slobs that frequent those places. There are some girls that guys instinctively know not to "mess with", even in a strip club, and that would keep her out of trouble. And she could usually spot the "trouble customers" a mile away and steered clear of them. A few disturbing things happened to her, but she was always honest and open about them with me, and as much as I didn't like hearing about it, I accepted that it goes with the territory. (Case in point: the "old man" who wanted a lap dance in the back and launched a surprise explosion in his pants, which ex-fiancee didn't notice until she felt something damp on her leg and looked down to see the fruit-of-the-loins had soaked through his pants. Pretty nasty).

Before I started dating ex-fiancee, I had gone in there a few times and casually observed her. I could tell that she wasn't like the other girls. And of course as I started dating her I really, truly realized that she was a person I could trust and any reservations I had about her stripping gradually melted away. Call me naive, but I simply never worried about it and she never gave me a reason to. She didn't associate or relate to the other girls there on any level. She didn't have tattoos or piercings. She was actually pretty damn shy and conservative outside of work, and other than one or two times where she and another purported "nice girl" went to Denny's or something after work, she always came home religiously after work and never "hung out" with any of these girls as they headed out to South Beach at 5am to get high, drunk, drugged, and laid.

Now to be fair, ex-fiancee did have a few of the characteristics of the average stripper. Terrible relationship with her father which she had recently broken off altogether. Didn't pursue an education beyond high school. And incredibly low self-esteem and insecurity. But she didn't abuse drugs or alcohol, or fool around with customers at the club, or have any other bizarre sexual behaviors.

When we broke up about a month and a half ago, and she moved out of my house, I pretty quickly returned the old habit of going out drinking till late at night with my friends and then slinking into a strip club for a nightcap (I don't go to hers, I agreed not to go in there out of respect for her since I was fairly well known there and of course when going through a breakup a person doesn't need to see their ex showing up at their work).

Well, I met a seemingly "nice girl" at this other strip club. She didn't really expect me to give her money or buy her expensive drinks, although I offered her a glass of wine and she accepted. But we talked for a long time about her family, her dad, some of her obsessive-compulsive behaviors. And I felt interested enough that when I walked out of there I knew I'd be back soon to see her again.

And I did go back, this time with an entourage that included "Grace" (courtesy reminder, Grace is the long-term female friend that is almost like some kind of twister sister to me). Her take was that this girl seemed pretty nice, but made some suspicious comments about "coke" that made Grace think she was probably closer to the 95% "bad stripper" category than the 5% "good stripper" category. Then Much as I wanted to believe otherwise, I think she may have been right. I haven't been back since and probably won't go. And since Grace called me a "stripper whore", I've begun to think she may have a point and I really don't want to become that guy who goes to strip clubs to meet girlfriends. I had a good relationship with one, but that was the exception, and the odds of it happening again are microscopic. I wonder if part of me thinks that defying the odds twice would be cool? Am I trying to prove to myself that I can find the diamond in the rough for a second time, and make it work out this time?

I don't know, but until I can answer those questions, I have no business in strip clubs.

Snapshot of the Day: One of the friends who was with us was really tired by the time we got to the Strip club. He was sitting down the bar from me, maybe 4 people down. I leaned forward towards the bar to check on him, and his head was flat on the bar top. I guess he was sleeping or passed out. Within seconds one of the dancers comes up, and actually WAKES HIM UP with the "did you like my dance?" line. The poor guy slept through the whole thing yet still had to fork over $1. I thought that was pretty funny. Rarely is there a time I'm not amused at someone slumped over a bar, passed out.

 

[Vampyr]

"The Girl I used to Date"

Friday, October 10th - "The girl I used to date"

Funny thing about the "girl I used to date"

We went out for a little over a year. Not that long in the cosmic scheme of things, but we had a pretty damn good time. She was younger than me (I was 25/26 at the time, she was 21/22), but we related on a lot of different levels. This was about three years ago. After her I was single for a few months, and then jumped into another relationship with the ex-fiancee as mentioned in the previous post.

Why is she the "the girl I used to date"? Because for some very odd and fucked up reason, the entire time we went out, she never really validated our relationship. The terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" were strictly forbidden (her idea of course) and so we were two people who were, I guess, "seeing" each other.

If any of you have been in this position than you must know what this means. Maybe it was you who did it to someone else, but the principle is the same. IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU, RUN AWAY! Because it's a crystal clear signal that the person you are with who avoids terms of committment and seriousness is ...duh...not taking the relationship seriously.

I should've bailed the first time this became clear but, dammit, I liked the girl. So we stayed together for a bit, and I could always see DOOM on the horizon...lurking there like some dark cloud far away. I knew that she wasn't giving our relationship a chance and that it was transitional for her, but I was helpless to stop it. Of course the inevitable happened and, in her youth and fickleness, she decided to move on to greener pastures. I was frustrated because I thought we had something really nice, and I was pretty sure she felt that way too but she had closed the "long term door" early on the relationship and she was the type who would be too stubborn ever to open a door she had closed again. I mean, this girl had an uncanny knack for holding grudges and drawing lines in the sand. Those lines might as well have been drawn in concrete because they'd never move.

Things got nasty at the end, especially when this guy whom I had actually met (and secretly deemed to be "creepy" - he looked like a cross between Shaggy Doo, John Lennon, and the guy from Oasis) began to move in on her and I sensed how "intrigued" she was at how "mysterious" he was.

Oh and did I mention he plays in a local rock band and has this intense devotion to his "artistic and musical expression?" In sum, I was sunk, and when I saw it coming, I got pretty pissed.

Fast forward a few years. There was NO contact for maybe 1 1/2 years. Then slowly "the girl I used to date" and I would gradually message each other here and there, very basic and mundane stuff.

Suddenly I'm single again recently, and wouldn't you know it, she is too. So after some more intense discussions on Instant Messenger, we spoke on the phone (technically, I guess I called her, but it was a natural progression of an online dialogue that was getting too detailed to sit there typing....so THERE!!)

The upshot of the whole thing is that we've been having some great phone conversations the past week. Our in-depth post-relationship discussions lead me to believe she has outgrown a lot of her issues and in fact broke up with her recent boyfriend "because there was no future", whereas with us I think she was mostly afraid of the future.

Oh, I should also mention, she and my friend, who I'll call "T-Rex" because that's his nickname and he does a great impression of a T-Rex, were originally friends LONG ago. They knew each other before I knew either of them and they work together. Well, around the time I broke up with her, they got into some arguments and their friendship ended almost simultaneously. I thought this was a shame so one of my other considerations when talking to her recently was how I could get things patched up with "the girl I used to date" and "T-Rex". The whole thing seemed immature and silly to me, for them to ruin a friendship. So lo and behold midway through last week she went up to him at work and they patched things up.

I invited her to Happy Hour on Friday, and she accepted. She wanted to reacquaint with not only me, but also T-Rex, and the other guys I hang out with, most of whom she still remembers from the old days.

It was a fun night, we all drank heavily, I ran up a $210 bar tab ($60 of it or so was from a friend but the rest was mine and "the girl I used to date"). I think I was a tad uncomfortable around her at times but overall I was mostly still tired from the "Sleep Burglar" problem the night before. She was rubbing my leg under the table with her foot and actually sorta smashed my balls once

She wanted to see my "new house" so she followed me home and since she lives nearby she, uh, stayed over for the night. I was pleasantly reminded of the fact that we used to have incredible sex and in that area I think there is still some solid chemistry.

Now, this week, things have progressed alarmingly fast. She's coming over to watch the Anna Nicole Show rerun on Wednesday (Sorry but I LOVE that guy Bobby Trendy, he is amazingly flamboyant and so annoying that you can't help but watch him). Thursday night her MOM invited me over for dinner! This Friday night she wants to go back out to Happy Hour, this time to a cool cigar bar here in South Miami.

The question is this: Am I slipping back into a relationship again? Honest to God, scout's honor, I don't really want to. Not only would it kinda ruin the theme of my journal, but frankly, I've been having a ball single and I am not convinced that dating her would not ultimately lead in the same path I've already been down. I think I will need to put on a full-mode defense. She's fun to hang out with, but I've got to be careful.

Snapshot of the Day: T-Rex is on his way back from the restroom and stops in front of our table to "do the T-Rex". It involves lowering his head, jutting it out forward, crunching his arms up so that his hands are basically at his chest and wiggling...and then he bobs his head forward, sideways, and up and down in a very jerky motion. He leans his body in closer and lets out this loud "BAAAAP!" Hard to describe the noise but it DOES sound like a Dinosaur noise. Problem is while he does this he bumps into a waittress walking by and has to stop what he's doing to apologize and explain. He turns bright red and so did I.

 

[Vampyr]

Update

Well I think I've caught up with my "old" stuff from last week, I hope to make some nice updates over the weekend. LOTS of interesting things going on.

For now, let me just say I'm going to Fantasy Fest in Key West next weekend!!!! For those who haven't heard, it's a lot like a mini-Mardi Gras except it's in Key West and people paint their faces and bodies in really interesting ways. I'm gonna try to bring my camcorder and snap some digital stills.

Final thing: I debated my user name for a while before starting my journal. I'm not at all "gothic" or into Vampires or anything weird. It's just that somehow I tagged myself with that name about 10 years ago when I got into the Internet and ever since then I've stuck with it.

In college, this girl once got annoyed by me and called me a "pre-pubescent vampire". Mind you, her nickname was "Hooker" so she was bound to lash out. At the time I was really skinny, long black hair, and pretty pale so I guess it fit. Well right after that I started using the Internet and as a semi-joke I set up my user name as "Vampyr". Ever since then it's the only "user name" I feel comfortable using on the web so...blah. It's mine and I wub it dammit! And feel free to think I'm strange because of my journal but you are NOT ALLOWED to think I'm strange just b/c of my user name

 

[Vampyr]

People who hang out at Registers

What is it with people who hang out at Cash Registers, anyway?

I went to IHOP on Saturday morning (morning for me being about 11:30am). The "girl I used to date" had stayed over on Friday night and I woke up a litle groggy from drinking and VERY hungry. So I rustled her out of bed and headed to IHOP with due haste.

I stroll up to the counter....but I have to pause first, because there are a few young kids hanging on to the edge, and their mother is sitting on a seat closest to the register making no effort to contain them. My first reaction was "Oh shit, there's a wait".

I looked around - there were more empty tables than full, in BOTH the smoking and non-smoking section. In fact we were immediately whisked away to a booth. I had that vague feeling of "uh-oh maybe I just cut in front of someone" but that was dispelled by the sheer magnitude of available tables I passed on the way to ours.

I make a quick mental note to self: that's odd, it seems like they're just sort of "hanging out" here. Is this some new social twist in restaurants that I have never bothered to explore?

I sit down and enjoy a hearty IHOP Super Sampler breakfast. We get up to leave, and I walk up to the Register to pay.

On the way to the Register I am an unwilling participant in the "walk of shame" which is an experience entirely unique to Denny's and IHOP. You aren't allowed to pay your waitress, you must settle your bill at the front Register. The "walk of shame" happens when you don't have any singles with which to leave a tip on your table, so you are forced to abandon your table to go pay at the front register, so you can get change, so you can go back and leave a tip. The entire process from start to finish is very awkward because you feel like the eyes of your waitress are on you, sizing you up to see if you're gonna just pay at the register and split without leaving a tip. I don't know how often that happens but I bet it's pretty tempting to some people to be two feet away from the door and just make a break for it instead of going back to their table to drop a few bucks on it.

No joke, this bugs me so much that I usually try to find the waitress and explain to her that I'll be back to leave a tip, because if I don't, I get paranoid and weirded out.

One nice thing about the "walk of shame" is that when you actually do get your change from the register, it is very satisfying to walk back to your table and leave money. Shoulders squared, posture good, pace rapid, eye contact with any stray waitresses you may pass...it's rewarding in it's own way.

Anyway, to get back on track, when I went up to pay at the end, I saw a guy loitering at the register. This time I decided to pay a little more attention to what exactly this new breed of people ("Register People") are doing....I mean, is this an off-duty employee? A friend of someone who works there? Is this person completing an application to work there?

Nope. In this case, it was a short bald guy, who was scrutinizing the menu in great detail while leaning over the counter. I think he was there for a long time because no one else even seemed to notice him. I waited a few minutes before an IHOP person came to process my check and take my cash and she didn't even LOOK at this guy. I glanced at him sideways and admired his level of focus - you would have thought he was reading the Declaration of Independance. He also held the menu high up in the air and was pointing at things with his index finger, even though there was no one around him.

I paid my check, did the "reverse walk of shame" back to my table, left my tip, and split. But I couldn't stop thinking about what I had noticed.

Think about it - what exactly was his "game plan"? He walks into an IHOP. He scrutinizes the menu in great detail. A MENU THAT HAS NOT CHANGED IN 20 YEARS. A menu that takes 30 seconds to skim. A menu that offers STANDARD BREAKFAST ITEMS. What special item was he searching for? Did he need visual confirmation that you can buy eggs and pancakes at IHOP?

More to the point: What would he have done if he didn't like what he saw? I mean, could it be possible that this guy got up, drove over to IHOP, scrutinized the menu, decided he didn't like what he saw, and would then LEAVE to go drive somewhere ELSE and do the same thing? What kind of person has that kind of dedication? By the time I get to a restaurant I'm way too hungry to play games like this guy was playing.

I think the whole thing is weird. Go to a restaurant with a unique menu, it's ok to skim it before you walk in. But otherwise, you should have a pretty damn good idea of what they offer, and you should sit your ass down and do your menu reading at your table. And if by some weird chance they don't have EXACTLY what you were looking for....order something else!

I'm pretty sure this sort of thing goes on every day, and not just in restaurants but in convenience stores and gas stations too. There's a guy who works in my office building who does this exact same thing every day...walks into the gas station next door, purchases a shot of espresso, and hangs out there for about 30 minutes, standing near the counter with a dumb expression on his face. And it's not like he's chit-chatting because he doesn't say a word. Just stands there. Long after he finishes his espresso.

I'd really like to know what they get out of it, and where they find the spare time to do stuff like this!

 

[Vampyr]

Train Wreck?

I didn't realize how hard it would be to steadily update this journal.

Hats off to those of you dedicated ones who can write your wonderful journals on a daily basis and pack them with interesting stuff!

I am beginning to feel as if I am drowning in TOO much information. There is so much that's happened, I couldn't possibly be true to my journal and be honest about everything. I think I need to learn the gift of only writing about "what's important" because otherwise I'm just swamped.

There have been some strange new developments.

Last week, on Wednesday night, I was invited to dinner at the home of "the girl I used to date". I really didn't know how to interpret this but the thing is I was blindsided by it - her MOM invited me on Instant Message and I had no legitimate reason to decline. I always liked her mom a lot and she is Italian so it was, uh, "an offer I couldn't refuse"

So I went to Dinner and we all wound up drinking a lot of wine and talking. I guess you could call it reminiscing mixed in with some chain smoking on the patio.

Since then the amount of time I've spent with her has escalated...we speak on the phone almost daily and every 2 days or so there is some reason for us to spend time together. I really don't think it's my fault, and while I enjoy her company, I feel like a man with a noose that's slowly tightening and I don't know how to loosen it.

Last Friday night we went out to happy hour with her mom, her mom's boyfriend-for-the-weekend (long story, the guy was an ex-boyfriend who flew in for the weekend and they uh re-united), and a bunch of my friends. The place was super cool - this bar right at the marina with really hot girls, great band, and reasonably priced drinks (only beer though which sucks since I prefer liquor).

That night, I got a little drunk, the "girl I used to date" drove me home, and we had incredible sex. It was better than what I remembered from before, and she was more uninhibited and wild than I'd ever seen her. The next morning we went to IHOP (see the above journal entry).

The next day she brought me over a vacuum cleaner on Sunday night since my ex-fiancee took all my shit and I can't even vacuum the carpets. We made Juiceman Juice (ever use one of those badboys?) and watched Anna Nicole Smith.

Tonight and tomorrow she is coming over "specifically for sex", as she puts it.

My problem is this: We are now actively having sex. GREAT sex. She is going to come over tonight and tomorrow for some "pre-vacation sex" because she's going to Disney World this weekend and somehow tells me that great sex is really cool just before a vacation. No arguments here. BUT, last night, she begins to explain to me that we are not allowed to have sex with other people UNLESS we have discussed it with each other first.

Sounds reasonable, right? BULLSHIT! I told her that this represents a significant and disturbing change of plan. Because the LAST time she mentioned it flippantly her only concern was "wear a raincoat". Now all of a sudden we are MONOGAMOUS? I didn't see that crap on the fine print. This represents a prime example of her bizarre logic, which goes like this:

- It's ok for us to date other people.
- It's ok for us to explore other options, up to and including making out with other people.
- As soon as sex with another person is imminent (which according to her should take quite some time since people shouldn't just "hop into bed together") then whichever one of us is in this situation is obligated to report to the other person: "I am planning to have sex with someone else".
- If other person is fine with it, great. If not, then we stop having sex.
- Of course, I know her well enough to know that if I reported to her my plans to have sex with someone else she would most definitely not have sex with me any longer.

I told her this was nuts...I'd rather just BOTH of us have sex with whoever we want to, then it's easier to "classify" the "relationship" properly. It's meaningless, but fun...perfect for me! Now all of a sudden it's this weird HYBRID of "trust and monogamy" coupled with "seeing other people and exploring other relationship options". Oh and according to her if we both go out together and one of us and "meets someone interesting" it's ok to score a phone number and some conversation with this person.

But try as I might to protest, she turned the tables on me...because she's "not the kind of girl to be shagging two guys at once".

So suddenly, I'm feeling used. Very used. Because by not letting BOTH of us be completely free to do as we please, I am being set up for disaster. I cannot categorize our situation the way I'd like to (carefree and meaningless) but then again it is not a true relationship (which, honestly, neither of us want). What this likely means to ME is that I'll grow attached to her again and at just the moment I start thinking "hey maybe we should be together again in a REAL way"...she's gonna find some other dude and drop the bomb on me. I'll be damned if this isn't a new twist on an old story with her - pass the time with me until she finds herself a better option.

I can fucking see the train coming at me and I can't stop it.

 

[Vampyr]

Fantasy Fest 2002

So I'm back from Fantasy Fest 2002 in Key West, and boy am I tired.

I'm pretty sure I explained it previously, but for those of you who don't know, Fantasy Fest happens every year around Halloween in Key West, FL. Lots of people dress up in costumes, with a central focus on exotic body paint, and parade around naked on and around Duval Street in Key West.

The larger majority of people stand around gawking or trying to convince girls to take off their tops in exchange for beads.

I was in the larger majority this past weekend. The last day of Fantasy Fest was this Saturday and by the end of it everyone is so drunk and out of control that by the time the parade ends the streets descend into a free-for-all of debauchery. It's not nearly as wild and crazy as Mardi Gras (I actually saw a lot of families there, some of them with little kids) but it definitely still has its high points.

There were about 8 of my closest friends, and we were on two charter buses from Miami to Key West that held a total of about 115 people. Most of my friends were on the same bus as me, and we rolled out of Miami at 10am Saturday. The rest of the people I basically didn't really know.

Half the bus was drunk by Noon. The other half by 2pm when we arrived. I guess if I had one piece of advice to share about the bus ride down there, it would be:

Don't get drunk by Noon on a day when you are stuck in Key West until midnight and need to rely on a bus to get you back home, and also, please, if you're going to smoke weed and dress like some guy from Weekend at Bernies, please don't take up position in the back of the bus where the rest of us have to walk by you to get to the Bathroom!!

Personally I could care less if other people want to smoke weed, but on a confined bus with no ability to roll down the windows, and recirculated air that we all have to breathe, it's pretty uncool for the rest of us to have to deal with.

All in all, once we got there, it was a great day. I staggered off the bus and quickly realized that I could not sustain this heroic drinking pace for the remainder of the day without running a very high risk of getting seperated from my group, passed out somewhere, and left behind with no mode of transportation. I eased up a little and by about 6pm I was kinda-sorta-sober.

That's when the hangover started hitting. I quickly squared up to a bar and bought a few more Captain-and-Coke's to get back on an even keel. It's actually a talent to be able to properly pace yourself. If you go to fast, you're really in for a long and embarrassing day. If you stop too soon, you'll hit the hangover wall and you'll be hating life. You kinda have to bring yourself down easily, spike back up a few times, each time spiking a little less higher, until your back down on a mellow level. I finally got there around 10pm or so, thank god.

One of the guys with us was super drunk and we constantly had to look out for him so he didn't get lost or beat up. Another was so horny that he was too aggressive in approaching girls and instead of encouraging them to flash in exchange for cool beads, he would usually freak them out by his insistence that they make out with him, and then he'd piss them off when he gave them terribly crappy beads. We all got a little frustrated with him.

On a positive note, I got about a solid hour of Video footage on my Sony mini-DV camcorder, and I got about 30 digital stills. My group of friends collectively took about 300 digital pictures so I'm going to try to burn a CD for all of us - we had 4 people with digital camers just cranking away all day.

For those of you interested, there are three perceptions I have of Fantasy Fest. One of them confirms what I thought, the other is the exact opposite, and the other is just a casual observation.

First: It is pretty much near impossible to actually get laid there, or get any real "serious" action. It's actually very businesslike - a girl will do certain basic things for just about anyone in exchange for some beads that she likes. Any efforts to take things any farther will be immediately rebuffed and will probably just scare away the girls. They don't want to hang out with you, they don't want to get to know you, they don't want to hear your life story or spend too much time arguing. They want your beads, you can see their breasts and MAYBE their "landing strip", and then they're gonna split. My friend apparently didn't realize this and he truly made a fool out of himself trying to sweet-talk these girls in the hopes that he might get more from them. Plus almost all of the wild girls had guys escorting them - boyfriends, mostly, who would keep an eye on them and make sure things never got too out of hand.

Second: Now that I've been, I would actually bring a "girlfriend" there in the future. For 7 years now I have steadfastly refused to go down there with a girlfriend (and it seems I've always had one around this time of the year). One reason was: Why bring sand to the beach? Well as I found out, it might indeed be the beach, but if you think you can play in the sand you've got another thing coming Another reason was: My girlfriend is gonna get harrassed and groped and I'm gonna get pissed and get into a fight. The truth was that the guys instinctively knew which girls would flash (based on their outfit or the fact that they had a lot of beads) and they would definitely ask those girls. But if the girls weren't wearing some provactive costume and didn't have a lot of beads, they were by and large left alone. For every 1 girl that was flashing there were 20 that weren't and they didn't seem to be having a bad time of it.

Third: That body paint is so good, and the designs so clever, that honestly these girls were walking around completely naked and I couldn't see shit. Try as I might, in general, I could barely make out any specific details on their "nude" body. So the moral of the story is if you think you'll get perverted thrills from body paint (like I thought), guess again - it covers bodies more effectively than some of the clothing I see girls wearing here in Miami.

Anyway that's basically my Saturday...taking pictures, trading beads, getting video, seeing girls flash, and getting drunk. Oh and the bus ride home was horrible, 3 and a half hours, I can't sleep a wink on those damn things because the seat never seems to contour my neck properly so I had to stare at nothingness while my head pounded and my stomach churned. I thought we would NEVER get home. I think next time I'm going to find a way to stay there overnight or something to avoid that horrible late night ride back.

 

[Vampyr]

Fantasy Fest - Redux

Uh - oh ...no sooner had I made that long post about Fantasy Fest when I started getting IM's from a very very old girlfriend (like 8 years ago) telling me about HER experiences down there this weekend. I didn't bump into her but it sounds like we were at two different Fantasy Fests...check out HER version of how it all went down:

--------
Me: let me ask you..did you find this year to be somewhat tame?

Her: yeah, moreso than last

Her: i was wearing a g-sting bakini...you would have seen me

Me: well I didn't see a ton of wild stuff going on at all. Pretty much all flashing had to be negotiated in detail and there were very few beaver shots. I never saw anyone looking at guys dicks, I never saw any gay's harrassing any dudes, and I never saw people making out or groping for beads. It was pretty much very tame in my estimation.

Her: well thats what happens when you come without beads

Me: no no, we had a shitload of beads

Her: cool..i dont know what you didnt see..all i know is i have a ton of pics of boobs and kitties

Me: actually to be honest we had some of the nicer ones there. George and my friend Todd had both gotten some mad stuff at Mardi Gras and they distributed it to us. So we had some pretty top notch stuff...didn't seem to matter though. And not just us, but ALL The dudes I saw were dealing with the same crap.

Her: see..."charity beads" dont fly

Me: I'm telling you we had good stuff

Her: umm k...if you had good crap..i would have seen you

Me: all in all we had fun but it wasn't nearly as wild as expected.

Her: i look for stuff like that

Me: well we were mostly back by the Green Parrot during the parade...and cruising Duval during the day

Me: we got there around 2pm and left at like midnight

Me: on Sat.

Her: 1 min

Me: also to be honest some of the people there were really hideous.

Her: yeah

Her: well this is my last year going

Her: not as fun as it used to be

Her: too many drunks, accidents, assholes, etc..

Her: i was right by the green parrot most of the parade etc..cant believe i didnt see you

Me: no shit?? what corner? I was at the corner where the parade came by green parrot and then turned down the other street.
What do you mean by drunks/accidents/assholes? Honestly I thought it was very tame, did you get bugged a lot?

Her: well there was a bad car accident on the way there...a girl got hit by a car...drunk guys tried to start fights..some guy threw beer on me for reasons unknown..i got groped a thousand times...

Her: i threw with it

Her: im

Me: what time did you go there? I never saw an accident.
Where did you see people starting fights, and when were you getting groped? Was this sorta stuff AFTER the parade, or before it, or what? Was it on Duval or on the back streets?

Her: At 4:30 pm there was a head on collision on the long key bridge..right in front of me. I tried to help. I gave the drive mouth to mouth resusitation. He died. He was only 20. There was a picture of me helping him on the front page of the ley west newspaper on friday

Her: that is where the fun began

Her: that night a drugged out girl stepped in front of a moving pick up truck

Her: i flagged down a passing ambulance as she tried to stagger away

Her: i think shes ok - minus her drug problem

Her: I saw some girl, out of her mind on drugs/alcohol getting molested by a group of guys while she cried for help

Her: about 12-2am sat night the crowd was full of drunk groups of college age guys...grabbing asses, boobs, etc as you walked by.

Her: Calling you a bitch/whole/fucking cunt for not showing your pussy

Her: etc etc etc

Her: im done with fantasy fest

Me: what the fuck are you kidding me?? we missed that crash because we got there earlier...I thought you were staying there for a few days, did you just go down on Sat. like us??

Her: the crash happened on thursday. i went down from thurday to saturday

Me: ah ok. Wait, when did you see the girl get molested? Were things wilder on Friday than on Saturday or something??

Her: everything else happened on saturday after the parade

Her: that is the night that the crowd is biggest...people come down just for saturday

Her: get drunk etc

Her: its not mardi gras..its not meant to be mardi gras.

Her: but people turn it into a miserable experience

Me: man...that is nasty stuff. Where did you see this girl getting molested, did you try to find cops? I guess we left right before the rowdiness.

Her: very few cops this year...last year there was 5 times as many law enforcement

Her: they had already left the area. We saw some people coming to help her..so we left it at that

Her: some woman picked her up as brought her away from the guys

Me: god that sounds traumatizing. Yeah I'm heading out though. Jesus I'm sorry you had to see all that crap

Her: yeah me too..no big deal... I dont want to spend the money time or effort any more

Her: well go home already

Her: its late

-----------

Kinda puts a diff't spin on things, doesn't it? Ugh!

 

[Vampyr]

Drunk Ramblings

It's been a while since I posted. I continue to be amazed at the quality of the writing on here - I guess my favorite is Ramblings of a Single Mom ....http://www.improvisation.ws/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8064 I enjoy her style of writing, and her dedication. I can barely make journal entries once a week - she makes them daily and she has two kids.

Since I'm drinking a bottle of wine solo tonight, let me tip my glass to her. Rough life, honey, but a good person came out the other side. Remember that and know that most all of us admire your honesty and dedication

Tonight I went and saw Red Dragon with my friend, T-Rex. I had heard good things about the movie, but honestly, I'm not sure I was that impressed.

I thought Edward Norton did a great job, and of course Anthony Hopkins was amazing. I've slowly become an Edward Norton fan - if you've seen him in American History X you'll know why. He was a skinny, wimpy looking actor. He got completely ripped and buff in American History X. Now he's a skinny, wimpy looking actor again. Am I weird for being imressed by that?

Anyway my final take on Red Dragon is this: The "bad guy" was a bust. His character needed a lot more work. Instead of being some horribly evil serial killer who had left a trail of crimes, he was some guy who committed two crimes and who didn't inspire fear in the audience at all. You actually wind up feeling bad for him once you know his story, and what fun is it when you find yourself feeling sympathy for the "bad guy"?

Things at work lately have been rough. I actually have my primary job and a side job, and sales at both have been down lately. It's frustrating to feel like your "sinking" at work. You battle with dual emotions - trying to put your all into saving the business, and alternately feeling like nothing you are doing is working. It's an emotional roller coaster and it's taking it's toll. I feel tired all the time - like I could sleep for a week. I sometimes get so tired I can't sleep, which is a bitterly ironic card that life sometimes deals you. And it seems like the harder I work, the more frustrated I get, the more other areas of life suffer, and the more tired I am.

I didn't even go out this weekend, except to see the movie. I spent Saturday working all day, and by the time I got home I was so beat all I wanted to do was sleep. I had a list full of things to do (mental list, I'm no good at keeping physical ones), and most of them got done. But not all, and for that, I can expect another night of restless sleep.

Sidenote: listening to the Cure (Lovesong), Brenda Russell (Piano in the Dark), Elton John (Guess that's why they call it the Blues), Rolling Stones (Out of Tears), Patsy Cline (Walking after Midnight), Ben Folds Five (Brick), Macy Gray (I Try), and Jewel (Standing Still)....while I write this. And I'm 3/4 of the way through a bottle of wine. How sad is this?

Time to start another post about a more serious topic....

 

[Vampyr]

Climax Issues

I used to have a tremendous sexual appetite.

At the tender age of 28, I've slept with nearly 30 girls. I don't know if that's a lot or not - it seems to me that it's not that bad. But maybe it's average. All I know is I've sure *tried* a lot so it feels like more than that

About a year ago I started thinking that my hair was thinning. Not so much that it was receding, and not even that it was thinning in the back. Just that when I looked at it, fresh out of the shower, with no gel in it...it seemed awfully thin. I was seeing way too much scalp. I got really paranoid, even though I have no history of hair loss in my family.

So I started taking Propecia. I cannot say for sure if it has helped - but it SEEMS to have helped, and at the end of the day, paying for peace of mind isn't so bad. And one time I ran out for like a month and I'll be damned if I didn't start seeing more scalp again. So I quickly bought more.

One of the side effects of Propecia is loss of sexual energy. Towards the end of my relationship with my ex-fiancee, we weren't having much sex because, frankly, I didn't want to. I was very tired all the time, I wasn't being creative or imaginitive, and as soon as we got into bed all I could think of was sleeping.

And I'm not much of a snuggler, either, and that's too bad because it seems snuggling leads to sex. Unfortunately, as soon as my skin presses up against someone elses, I start to feel sweaty. Only in the areas that are touching, but it's still uncomfortable for me to be "clammy and sweaty" when I'm pressed up against someone. So my solution has always been to avoid snuggling.

My mom said when I was a baby I cried if she picked me up, and only stopped if she put me down. I've never heard of anything like that before, but she swears it's true. I don't know if I sweat because I like to avoid touching, or if I avoid touching because I sweat. It's a strange thing.

(*Lighting my third cigarette now*)

So anyway, suffice it to say, I lost sexual interest about 6 months ago. And when we did have sex, it was very..quick. I felt like a horse racing for the finish line and I got used to climaxing very quickly. The solution to that was that I had to...ahem..use my hands on her at first, then I could do my thing, then I could go to sleep.

Here's my dilemma: Lately as I've mentioned, I've been having sex with "the girl I used to date". It's been awesome...but not really because of me. She seems to be unusually turned on and energized and everything I do to her works. And works QUICKLY. I touch her for a few minutes, BAM, she has an orgasm. I enter her, BAM, she has an orgasm. She has that gift of being multi-orgasmic and it really takes a lot of stress off me.

BUT, I'm still climaxing way too quickly, not at all like I used to. So I started studying up on Tantra, and doing some basic Tantric Exercises. Net result: I still orgasm quickly, but because of these "exercises" (which involve urinating and clenching your "muscles" down there to stop the urine), it's not even that enjoyable.

I now have three problems: (1) General lax of interest in sex - at first I was into it but the past few nights I have actually declined offers from "the girl I used to date". I cancelled sex plans tonight to go to the movies! (2) Climaxing too quickly, and (3) It doesn't even feel good anymore because of these damn exercises!

All in all, these are three very bad habits and problems to have. If anyone has any advice, email me. I've tried exercising more (I have a kick-ass exercise bike), and getting more sleep, but it's not helping.

Is it just this "I need to find the right girl" thing? Am I getting old? Is it the Propecia? Is it a result of smoking too much? Is it because of stress?

Oh yeah, and I'm drinking more, but I don't think it's that.

- Vampyr

 

[Vampyr]

Single Mom - Don't Quit

I just read Ramblings of a Single Mom's last entry and she's thinking about taking some time off from her journal.

My Two Cents - that's a big mistake.

She's making some serious headway and I've been amazed at her recent entries. She seems like a really good person who's been through some amazing shit. But I think writing about it is cathartic, and while it is time consuming (God knows I can't keep up with her type of pace), it is well worth the time spent.

I also think a person of her intelligence, thoughtfulness, and insightfulness can do so much more than deliver pizza's.

There, I said it. No matter how I said it I feel a little guilty about it, because a person isn't defined by what they do, and it's certainly not my place to comment on what someone does for a living. But at the end of the day I think she is a woman who could go very far in life, and could accomplish so much. The only thing holding her back is her, and it saddens me to see it.

Whatever you do, Gypsy, I wish you the best, and for my own selfish reasons I hope you keep writing and use some of the gift you have to make yourself a better person. If I could I'd tell all of my friends about your journal - I would - except I don't want 'em to read mine

- Vampyr

 

[Vampyr]

Loss of Sex Drive

Where to start...

It seems I have subconciously re-prioritzed my life in the past week or so. My current priority level looks like this:

1. Work
2. Sleep

Any alterations to one of those leads to difficulties in the other. And as it stands now, both of those suck up nearly all of my spare time. I am suddenly a man on a mission - working harder than ever (god this economy sucks), and committing myself to getting proper doses of sleep so...you got it...I can keep working harder.

Last year I made several promises to myself, all of which I've made some level of progress on:

1. Buy a house. Done.
2. Pay extra to the mortgage. Done.
3. Generate extra income. Done (running a side business, I'll explain some other time).
4. Get engaged. Done. But it failed.
5. Pay off credit cards. Some progress, some setbacks.
6. Save more. Was going fine until I bought the house. See #1
7. Invest more. Done. I've had some big wins and some losses, on balance I'm doing ok so far this year in the stock market. I'm buying a lot of Put options (which basically increase in value if a stock goes DOWN) because I think this market is still very bearish.
8. Begin to map out a strategy that eventually will allow me to have true financial freedom so I can do what I want with my life. Open a bar, open a restaurant, start my own business. Etc. Done, sorta.

Unfortunately pretty much all of this stuff requires me to make more money and manage it more wisely.

Thus unto my current dilemma. In the midst of all of this hard work and pressure, I have completely and utterly lost my sex drive.

The "girl I used to date" and I aren't getting on too well lately. Why? Because instead of having sex with her, the past several times she has asked, I have either declined, cancelled, forgotten, or simply worked too late to accomodate her. And I don't feel the least bit bad about it! As soon as I detect she is getting pissy with me, I terminate the phone call. She calls me at work and I tell her I'm busy. She calls me at home and I don't answer the phone.

I think somewhere inside I have decided not to allow her to be a distraction, and frankly although the sex is GREAT, it is kind of a distraction to me right now. When she comes over I have to clean up because she's a neat freek and the littlest of things is "disgusting" or "filthy". Then I gotta take a shower (ok, I need to do that anyway, but STILL!). Then I gotta wait for her to be at LEAST 30 minutes late, sometimes more. Then there is the sex (see previous entries, regrettably that part is kinda short lately). Then there is the 1-2 hours of pillow talk. Then there is her leaving at 1 or 2am on a weeknight and me facing exhaustion at work the next day.

It all adds up to: Distraction!

So I think this will probably play out in such a way that I'll be entirely devoid of female sexual companionship for a while, and I'm OK with that. If this keeps up she'll definitely bail, she's got too much pride to put up with it much longer.

Which is ironic considering that all the women writers here keep writing about how horny they are and I'm the bozo that's become disinterested in sex.

I thought MEN were the ones that were raging sex maniacs!

Anyway I'm going to head home, I have a business trip next week and will be out Monday-Friday. I have to prepare for this tomorrow. I have a funny story about my friend Grace that I'll try to share later.

- Vampyr

 

[Vampyr]

Playboy's at Work

This morning when I got into the office, one of my sales reps turns to me in the hallway and says:

"Thanks for the magazines"

"What magazines?", I asked.

"Oh, that wasn't you? I was sure it was you."

He walks me over to his desk, and proceeds to flip over 3 mint-condition Playboy magazines. He says someone left them on his desk and it must be some kind of prank so he thought it was me.

I was dumbfounded.

What moron would leave three perfectly good Playboy's on someone's desk like that? This is the work of a true prankster - one who is prepared to sacrifice for the sake of his prank. I'm immediately impressed...

And also annoyed. Because I'm having my own problem with Playboy lately. I think they need a lesson in customer service, and they're damn lucky to still have my business.

I subscribed over a year ago because of their $1 an issue subscription price for a year. For $12 I was willing to take the plunge.

It was okay for a while but pretty soon I found myself falling behind in my issues. I'd get one, open it, skim it, and cast it aside for further review later. Someone once said that Playboy sucks because they talk down to you. They show you this life, and flaunt Hef's women, parties, and pictures, and it's a life that their average reader will never get to experience.

I didn't quite understand this comment at first but now I realize how dead-on it is. Those bastards don't make me feel good - they make me feel BAD. I see all this crap I'll never have and it bums me out. Ever read their little section with new toys and technologies? Everything in there costs a fortune and I can't imagine the average "horny guy subscriber who signed on for $12 a year" can afford any of that junk.

And for the record I can honestly say I have NEVER wanked to Playboy. I don't even remember being aroused, other than visually. I think when I was in my early teens I might've found one of my stepdads and wanked but that was 15+ years ago.

So back to the story...I bought my new house back in April. Prior to this I made every effort to change my address. I submitted a change of address. What a joke, it never worked. I finally resorted to manually changing my address with whomever I needed to.

That's when I stared into the "Magazine Subscriber Abyss", and it forever changed me. I now believe wholeheartedly that one cannot change their address for magazine subscriptions in less than 6-8 months.

First I tried to find a phone number. No such thing - I challenge anyone here to find a working phone number for Playboy, other than a number for subscriptions that is staffed by some random company with no affiliation to Playboy.

So I did the smart thing - I wrote them.

Two months later the Playboys were still coming to my old address. Eventually I got a subscription renewal form (to the old address, of course). BINGO!, I thought. Now I can actually send them something they'll READ because I'm SURE they're interested in opening subscription renewal mail.

I renewed, and scribbled all over the renewal form that I have a new address. For good measure I also typed a brief note about this change of address, and expressed my concern about "missing issues in the interim" and missing out on the highly-anticipated free gift (some video or DVD I think). I pointedly stated in the letter:

"Should you fail to process this renewal in a timely and efficient fashion, or should you continue sending issues to my old address where I will no longer be able to receive them, I will expect you to send me these back issues plus my free gift at my new address. The ball is in your court. P.S. - this renewal is ONLY valid if processed simultaneously with my change of address". I even left a phone number in case someone other than a robot read the letter.

That was in June. I have yet to see a Playboy issue at my new house. A week ago I went online hunting for a number to bitch to (since of course they cashed my subscription check long ago). No dice. But WAIT! Playboy has a subscription-checker on their website if you hunt long enough.

I checked and sure as shit they DO now have my new address and my NEW 1 Year Subscription is scheduled to start in December. Whether or not the free gift will be sent is still in question. I guess I'm shit out of luck on the last few issues, but I'm OK with that since as I said before I barely read the damn things.

Now here's the funny part: The three Playboy's on my sales rep's desk at work happen to be the last 3 month worth of issues, which I haven't seen. So I think tomorrow I'm going to "confiscate" them and skim them in the sanctity of my office and revel in the irony of the situation.

Life has a way of working out OK in the end, in a bizarre way sometimes.

(And NO, before anyone asks, there is NO WAY those could be MY Playboy's someone put on his desk because Playboy has no idea of my work address and in any case no one in my office would ever open mail addressed to me).

- Vampyr

 

[Vampyr]

Bizness Trip Part 1

So I'm back from my business trip. It went pretty well I think...

Monday morning I flew out to Houston, TX with one of the owners of the company I work at. We negotiated a better rental car from Hertz and instead of the little crappy economy car we scored a big Dodge Ram fullsize pickup truck. Pretty appropriate for a visit to Texas, I thought

I got to finally experience Whattaburger....I don't exactly know where this chain is located but I've wanted to try that place for about 10 years now. See, my first job out of high school was as a customer service representative for Burger King's customer relations department. BK had an 800 number on the side of their bags where you could call because "Your Comments Count".

So of course we had prank callers - by the thousands. An average day went like this: 300 phone calls, 250 of them were pranks. I'm guessing that's why they eventually shut it down since it wasn't a very cost-effective department.

Amongst the legion of prank callers were, for example, this kid who called himself Pukeface. He'd call every single day for weeks, about 50 times a day. Every single rep got to know him, and while some were really annoyed and hung up on the kid, some of us had a certain level of grudging respect for the little dude. He was persistent on a level I have rarely seen since, and he'd put on this rasply voice when he called - "This is pukeface!" was always his opening line. He kinda got to know which of us were cool with him so if he got one of the crankier reps he'd ask to be transferred to one of the cooler reps. Mostly they hung up on him but I remember a few times having him be transferred to me for some quality conversation

Eventually the supervisors caught on to him, and while we never got firm confirmation on this, the rumor was that they produced a log of several thousand phone calls he had made to our 800-number, and this evidence along with a thinly-veiled threat to his parents that BK was going to bill them for these phone calls that had all been made on our dime put a quick and abrupt stop to the calls from pukeface. Sometimes I wonder where that kid is, even now, because the kind of relentless dedication he had for calling our hotline is the sort of thing that would lead him in one of only two directions: (1) Serial Killer or (2) Wildly successful businessman. I hope it was #2.

A common theme amongst the pranksters was to think they were being clever by saying things like : "Your Big Mac is really good!" (remember, they were calling BURGER KING). I'd usually just roll with the punches and tell them "OK great I'm glad you like our BIG MAC, you should try our BIG DAVE'S DELUXE too when you get a chance!"

It seems they also felt the need to "comparison shop" when it came to which greasy burger joint they were going to go to - and thus I became aware of the existence of two burger places that I never even knew existed in my first 18 years of life:

Carl's Jr. and Whattaburger, which according to the prankster kids were both superior to BK product. "Burger King sucks, Carls Jr. rules!" or "I just had a Whattaburger and it's so much better than your crap!".

It took me 6 years to experience Carl's Jr. On a routine junket to San Francisco to attend an industry tradeshow, it turned out that my hotel was in downtown San Fran and literally right next door to a Carl's Jr. Plastered across all of their windows were pictures of gigantic sloppy looking burgers, emblazened with what was apparently the "corporate slogan" for Carl's Jr.:

"Drip Happens!"

Now, I'm no marketing whiz, but I have to question who the hell came up with that intellectual gem. Not only is it fodder for a lot of disgusting sexual-innuendo-type jokes, but ...it's just plain stupid. Is marketing yourself as the de-facto home of the drippy, sloppy burger really a good strategy???

I don't know how effective it was but the next year when I was out there I no longer saw that slogan. And for the record, their burgers were pretty damn good and perfectly suited for stabilizing the stomach at 3am in the morning after a hard night's drinking, which was always the thing that happened on these long west coast business trips.

So when I got to Houston and spotted a Whattaburger, I realized that my 10-year oddessy was coming to a close. I convinced the owner that we should try it when we were on our way back to the airport the last day. He's normally a very healthy eater - he exercises, doesn't eat much fat, and is in great shape. But, he's an accomodating guy, and it was convenient and quick since we were in kind of a rush to get back to the airport. So we stopped there and BOTH got Double Whattaburgers with Cheese.

Verdict: Mediocre and generic. They tasted exactly like a lot of other second-tier burger places (Sonic, Hardees, etc). It actually reminded me a LOT of Sonic. And they use mustard by default instead of mayo or ketchup which always seemed weird to me. Plus their color scheme is horrid - the cups have bright orange-and-white vertical stripes on them. Ugh!

To top it off, I *think* it could have been them that gave me the dreaded "Traveller's Diarrhea", although I can't be certain and said illness actually occurred about 28 hours after eating that Whattaburger...so who knows.

More to come...

 

[Vampyr]

Bizness Trip Part 2

OK, so basically we were on a business trip to try and sell more of our software to some bigger corporate customers. We visited a few oil companies in Houston, and a Space Exploration government agency (see if you can guess who I'm referring to).

I had never been to Houston so it was cool because our itinerary basically took us around different parts of the beltway that loops around the city. And on the way back to the airport (on the same trip that brought us to Whattaburger) we took a kind of scenic route back so I got to see a little of the outskirts of the city. All in all it went well, not much time for siteseeing though.

Then we flew into Atlanta, where the plan was to rent a car and go up to Tennesee to visit a National Lab and a major Chemical company. That's when the REAL fun began, and there is a good lesson in this part of the story.

When we got to Atlanta it was about 11pm. We went over to Hertz to pick up our Rental Car. We were trying to economize on the trip so we had of course reserved the lowest common denominator vehicle. Naturally we got there and they didn't have our $30-a-day car. So while I'm dicking around with my bags the owner of the company I work at pulls the most amazing upgrade I've ever seen.

He points to the picture of the Jaguar and says "how much for that?", in a joking way.

The conversation goes like this:

Counter guy: You're in luck. I have a special on that car. Normally $130 a day, I can give you the lower-end model Jaguar for $80.

Owner (appears to be contemplating): Hmmm....$80 a day. No, that's too much.

Counter guy: I might be able to give you a deal on a Cadillac

Owner: How much?

Counter guy: How about $60 a day?

Owner: Well for $60 a day I'd like to get the Jaguar, I would take that deal.

Counter guy: OK, you know what, this is your lucky day, I'll do it, but it's the low end Jaguar.

He starts punching stuff in the computer. Halfway through, the owner starts angling for the upgraded top-notch Jaguar at that same price - and JACKPOT! We got it.

We rented a Jaguar XJ8, which we drove about 4 hours to TN and another 4 hours back to Atlanta for $60 a day. We had it for the better part of 3 days. What a sweet ride, and of course I got to drive it too. It's a great car to drive. I dunno if I'd buy one myself - for what it costs I think you can get a lot better car. But the transmission is smooth, the acceleration is nice, and you can't beat the feeling of tooling about on your business trip in a Jaguar. And it was very roomy inside, although the trunks on the Jag's are notorious for being smaller than you'd expect.

I think the lesson here is this: Always reserve the cheapest car on the lot. Whether they have it not, angle for the upgrade. And the later you get to the rental car place, the better of a deal you can get, because after all, the odds are that car was just going to sit there that night and not be rented at all. Better for them to get $60 for it than nothing..you have a tremendous amount of leverage.

The trip up and down from TN was amazing - the Jag had a nice GPS system so we kind of took the back roads on the way back, through the mountains. The owner used to be a Formula 1 Race Car Driver, so not only does he drive fast (he brought his radar detector) but he drives fast in a good way - i.e. he knows what he's doing. We took some serious hairpin turns at 100-110 mph and it felt like the car was going to lift off the ground. It was reckless but...fun also. I made a vow to myself that on my next trip that involves a rental car I will do whatever it takes to score a seriously upgraded ride. It never hurts to ask and I never would have believed it to be possible if I didn't witness it first hand.

more to come...

 

[Vampyr]

Bizness Trip Part 3

Now for the fun stuff.

After we finished our last appointment in Tennessee on Thursday morning, we headed back to Atlanta for a leisurely drive. We passed through Asheville, NC where the Biltmore Estate is.

I had meant to check it out last time I was in NC but never got around to it. The owner had been there before and said basically that it was awesome and an astonishingly huge estate.

To make a long story short, we got there, but it was $38 per person and we really only had an hour or so to spare. There is at least a full day's worth of stuff to do there, and no way was I going to spent $38 to spend an hour and see only a fraction of the stuff there was to see. We asked if there was a deal for just driving through the grounds, and they don't offer any such thing. I think that $38 includes some guided tours and stuff. Note to Biltmore: you should offer sort of an express package for guys like me, I would've gladly forked over $10-$15 just to be able to drive by and see the entire estate.

My mother lives in Atlanta, as does my sister. I go up there a few times a year on average, usually for Thanksgiving. The way we did our trip itinerary, we actually had an extra night in Atlanta (Thursday night) and didn't have to be at the airport until Friday morning for an 11:15am flight. So I had whipped up some plans to have fun Thursday night. We rolled into Atlanta around 5pm Thursday.

My mother has always been my quasi-pimp. I don't know how or why, but she has always had hot younger female friends. In a nutshell, young girls LOVE my mom. From the time I was 16 until now, there have been some of the most incredible babes either parading around our house (when I lived with her), or going out with her, or even living with her (she has a current roommate, Amber, who is a 25 year old singer from Australia). Don't ask me how she does it - I'll never know. My family is kind of weird and my mom knows I'm a typical guy who wants to get laid so she is always laying groundwork with these chicks, and I have capitalized on this a number of times. I don't remember the exact count but over the years I've had sex with maybe half a dozen of her friends. She'd tell them all about me and by the time I met them I was already more than halfway hooked up. It's been a really cool byproduct of what is in most every respect a pretty bizarre and unconventional mother-son relationship.

In fact I lost my virginity to one of her friends - I was 17 at the time and this particular friend was in her early 30's. The age of this friend was one of the only exceptions, as all of the others are usually early 20's.

The plan for Thursday night was this: My mom was instructed to round up as many hot babes as she could, and then we would all go out together in a group and have dinner, then head to a bar to booze it up. While the early impressions I got were good (as many as half a dozen hot babes), it turned out to be a group of 9 total - Me, the owner, my mom, her boyfriend, my sister, her boyfriend, and 3 girls including my mom's current roommate, Amber.

One of the girls was Brazilian, and a little older. Since I'm not much into latin women, and she really seemed like she could be in her 40's, I decided I wasn't really going to pursue that.

So I zeroed in on the other two girls - who I realized pretty quickly were TOTAL SLUTS (a catchphrase my friends and I use, it must always be capitalized for purposes of emphasis).

After a bit of back and forth on my end as to which of the TOTAL SLUTS I was going to pursue, I settled on my mom's roommate Amber as she had likely heard the most "good things" about me and was the most "prepped and ripe" of the two due to my mom working some behind-the-scenes magic. The other girl, Jennifer, had massive boobs and was wearing a slinky dress with a very low plunging cut (in fact at one point in the night one of her nipples popped out). It was hard to pass that up but sooner or later a guy has to make some choices.

Amber: Black Hair, pulled up high and then spilling down from the top of her head. Nice blue eyes. Wonderful Australian Accent. Nice body, very fair skin. Sexy smile. The only drawback was that I suspect a certain...hmmm...ghetto...quality about her. I don't know if it was the makeup, or the hair, or what, but I got the impression that she probably mostly hangs out with the hip-hop crowd. Later in the night that was confirmed when (a) she kept asking us to put on hip-hop in the car (sidenote: having a Jaguar, even a rental car, really helps with the babes) and (b) she told me late in the night that she "normally only dates black guys" but found me attractive and sexy. She also made a comment about how we should get married, since we'd be really good together and her Visa or whatever is expiring in 3 months and she'll have to back to Australia. Uh...yeah. ooooohhh-kayyy...

She is a singer and sings in some nightclubs in Atlanta. I heard her CD and honestly it was very good. Not my kind of music, per se, but the minute I heard the first song I thought to myself that this is something that would do very well if it was on the radio. She has a great voice.

We partied at this place near Buckhead called the Side Bar or something to that effect - it's attached to a diner and it's this sort of martini-bar that is on the side of the diner (I *think* the diner is called the Landmark Diner). It was weird because in order to get to the bathroom you had to walk out into the bright lights of this diner and pass through all these rows of normal people eating diner food to get to the bathroom on the far end. Once I started getting a little drunk I felt very conscious of everyone looking to see what drunk asshole (me) was going to come stumbling out of the dark martini bar into the blinding light of the diner.

There was some blonde chick at the bar that seemed like she was on something. She kept coming over to our group and hitting on the chicks that were with us. She sort of hit on me too when she asked for a cigarette - I made her do a dance to get it. She responded so willingly I started thinking she might be a stripper and sure as shit later in the night someone who was with us (I don't remember who) told me that she was indeed a stripper. I actually at one point quite literally told her to "Quit stealing our chicks" because she wouldn't stop talking to the girls that were with us and it was getting annoying.

The crowd got a little smaller (my mom's boyfriend headed home) and Jennifer wanted to go to this "hot club" in Buckhead so we split. On the way out, Amber grabbed me and we made out, standing right there in the bar, for about 5 minutes, so I knew things were looking good. Now that I think about it, it must've been weird, since she is going to start singing there I guess next week (and she knows all the bartenders, the Manager, and the owner, who were all in the general vicinity...and here she was standing in more or less the center of this place making out with me and establishing a "reputation"). Unless of course this is the sort of thing she always does, which fits in with my TOTAL SLUT assessment.

I don't know the name of the club we went to next but it was some HUGE event I guess because it was their anniversary party...we had to stand outside the door and Jennifer tried to bargain to get us in and minimize the requisite cover charge. I went off to take a leak in the doorway of the bar next door since it looked like we'd be there a while. Suddenly I hear my sister calling my name so I'm trying to quickly finish my business when....

I zipped up my pants so quickly I caught the tip of my penis in the zipper. Just the tip, mind you, but boy was that an eye opener. Disengaging the zipper from the tip was the worst part of it. Zipping it like that was a total surprise which masked the pain. Unzipping it offered no such similar consolation. OUCH! Suffice it to say at this point I realized I was well on my way to getting pretty damn drunk. I also realized I needed to check out my goods to make sure there was no visible or serious damage (there wasn't, thank god).

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. The TOTAL SLUTS seemed to know every guy in the place, exchanging hello's and kisses with what amounted to half of the club. It was jam packed, the drinks were expensive, and I saw a lot of drunken debauchery. Some guy kept asking me to do a line of coke with him in the DJ booth - turns out he was some random guy that had been hitting on Amber in the PREVIOUS bar and she had told him where we were going so he had followed us there.

There was a lot more making out, and a lot more drinking, and then Amber disappeared for a long time. Turns out she was vomiting in the bathroom - NOT A GOOD SIGN, as any guy who is trying to get laid based on alcohol consumption well knows.

My sister and her boyfriend and my mom took off around 2am. We bumped into one of my mom's ex roommates (a guy) who was totally sober and had taken a cab there so he was able to drive us all home. To make a long story short, there was some more fooling around once we got back to my mom's place, and then Amber asked me if I wanted to sleep in her bed instead of going back to the hotel. I said yes of course, and from there....

It all went downhill. First off, her room was disgusting. I mean, I've never seen such a mess. Crap all over the floor, total disarray. She is a total and complete slob. She had warned me that it was a little messy, but that was a an understatement. It was VERY messy. We laid down, she changed into some kind of nightgown (still had her bra on under the nightgown which was weird). She wandered off to get some spaghetti from the fridge and I kind of laid there contemplating. I stripped down to my boxers and t-shirt, she came back and started scarfing spaghetti. By now, I was really spinning from being drunk, it was after 4am, and I was no longer in the "mood". She kind of laid down, not really in a snuggle-friendly position, and we had a brief conversation before it became clear she was passing out. I turned off the TV, made some feeble attempts to grope her, and started to pass out. I played with her with my hands for a couple of minutes (she didn't seem to be shaved at all, which I really don't like.....there needs to be some trimming if not outright TOTAL SHAVING down there, if you ask me...). I realized at this point that she may have fallen asleep. I debated making a more aggressive move but honestly, it would have been the wrong thing to do because she was completely oblivious to the world and having sex with unconscious girls is not only wrong and immoral, but probably unfulfilling and unrewarding. I basically just passed out.

I woke up at 7am disoriented, with no idea how I would get back to the hotel, and with the worst hangover/headache of my life. I chugged some water and aspirin, got ahold of the owner who had gone back to the hotel and asked him to come get me. Then I suffered for about 45 minutes more sitting on the couch staring at nothing. Amber was still passed out hardcore in the other room so I didn't say bye. My mom didn't even ask what had happened, which was fine with me since I didn't feel like talking.

I vomited but it was only water that came up. My mom busted out with some Vicadin and shortly after that the owner showed up to pick me up. Once the Vicadin kicked in I started getting really drowsy. I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth, so the entire day really sucked. The car ride to the airport, the check in process, waiting for the plane, having some problems with seat assignments, and taking the plane back to Miami were completely miserable and seemingly lengthy processes. The headache subsided a little but the 2-3 hours sleep and effects of massive alcohol consumption were a real drag. I staggered into my house today at 3pm and took a nap on the couch until 9pm when the "girl I used to date" showed up to feed my cat (she forgot what day I was coming home).

She was strangely abrupt and aloof with me, didn't even want to give me a peck kiss on the cheek. She said she had to go, she was going to go home and go to bed, wake up early to go to the library Saturday morning and study. I told her I'd like to take her and her mom out for dinner since she watched my house and my cat. She said she was busy all this weekend and all next weekend. She rummaged around for some cat food, scooped out his litter box (all while I was still lying on the couch trying to fully wake up). Then she split. I dunno what all this means but the way she's acting is a clue that not only is she really stressed but I think she's pretty fed up with me.

The end draws near.

 

[Vampyr]

Hitting the Wall

I finally hit the post-relationship-depression Wall. And I hit it hard.

I've been so miserable lately I haven't posted in weeks. I've been reading a lot of the regularly updated journals and it seems there is something in the air - lots of the other writers seem to have gone through some sadness, loneliness, and misery lately.

I am no exception.

In a weird way, I didn't want to "contribute" to the general glumness of the forum lately. Plus, I feel so DOWN recently that I don't have the energy to post.

But I realized that it was fast drawing to the point now where if I stopped posting much longer, I'd probably stop forever, and I hate quitting on things.

A summary of current events..this may take several posts.

The "girl-I-used-to-date". It's completely over now. And it was so mutual and painless that I should be thankful, I guess.

After I got back from my business trip, we DID see each other again. Her birthday drew near so I bought her what she most wanted - a full body massage from a nearby spa, with manicure/pedicure. We chatted on the phone a few times during the week.

**NOTE : This is an extremely ironic gift. Here's why. RIGHT before we broke up originally, I had gotten her the same thing. I gave her the certificate and shortly afterwards we were done. I found out recently that she never even used it! BAD OMEN, right?? **

Then came her "Birthday Happy Hour", two weeks ago on a Friday. A bunch of her friends were throwing a happy hour at a nearby bar for her. Sensing disaster, I invited a group of my friends to come as well.

Why disaster? Because even when we were going out, she is a HUGE fan of the "have fun talking to other people and mingle, we don't have to be all over each other" style of going out. She wants to meet people, chat, get to know them, etc. She thinks going out to bars is all about THAT, not about spending time TOGETHER. Problem is, she takes it to an extreme. I can honestly say that I always felt second-best and inadequate around her when we went out in group settings or bar settings. I'd get generally ignored or dismissed the entire night, until the end when she'd sweeten up a little and we'd go home together. I played it cool, but it wasn't. It's just that I really had no choice - that was just HER being HER.

Also, her ex-boyfriend and his friends were going to be there. This is the guy she went out with right after me. Ruh-Roh! He's not the violent type or anything...actually he's a skinny little twerp that looks like Shaggy Doo. BUT I recognized the awkwardness of it, and who on this green earth can say they enjoy or relish an upcoming awkward situation?

So I prepped myself for this and brought my crew of friends.

And proceeded to hang out on the opposite side of the place with my friends the whole night while she hung out with her friends. We didn't hardly speak to each other a bit...I think she talked more in the single time she came over to "our group" to everyone else than she did to me. I kept checking over there - no eye contact from her, not the slightest acknowledgement that I was even around.

At that point I pretty much realized - while we were not "dating", and while we were not "together", I had been lying to myself thinking that her bad habits had gone away. Evidence had been creeping up that her judgemental attitude and moodiness were indeed still present. And I had been lying to myself thinking that I needed ZERO attention from a girl I was sleeping with. Being ignored like that does something to a person's self-esteem.

I proceeded to get pretty drunk with my friends.

One of her "mom's girlfriends" (did I mention her mom was there too?) was there. She was fairly young (i.e. not her mom's age, probably like late 20's). Apparently she took it upon herself to "bring the girl I used to date" a "Birthday Present").

That "Birthday Present" was some guy whose sole purpose, apparently, was to go there and hit on the girl I used to date. A ringer, if you will. He positioned himself next to her from the beginning and used every shameless barroom tactic known. Angling his chair in her direction. Putting his feet on HER bar stool. Slouching his shoulders and leaning in towards her constantly.

In and of itself, this shouldn't have bothered me. But for some reason, "mom's girlfriend" took it upon herself to say things like "I hope "the girl I used to date" is enjoying her PRESENT!"...."Wow she is really enjoying her PRESENT!"...."This is going to be a great BIRTHDAY PRESENT". Over and over and fucking over.

I'm POSITIVE that "mom's girlfriend" knew I used to date "the girl I used to date". In fact she had met me before back when we were still an item. And I suspect she knew I had been "seeing" her again.

And yet over and over again with these comments...and as I got more drunk I kept looking over there and feeling nauseous. I'd patrol by the general vicinity and I might as well have been a speck on the wall. I was the asshole on the outside looking in.

I swear to god this idiot looked like Ricky Martin....the kinda guy that's trying WAY too hard to look "cool" and "cute". I realized right then and there that I refused to feel like a loser, or to be made to feel like one, by this "girl I used to date".

Her mom offered me a ride home (remember I was drunk) and I accepted. I called "the girl I used to date" about 30 minutes later when I got home. I was lonely and drunk and tried to convince her to come over. She teetered on the edge and then pled tiredness. She also accused ME of ignoring her all night and being "anti-social". I calmly pointed out that SHE was the only common thread between the TWO SEPERATE GROUPS and the fact that she made no real effort to integrate them is the reason they didn't integrate. I asked her about Ricky Martin. She said, and I quote:

"You think he looked like Ricky Martin? I thought he looked like Tom Cruise". That was the FINAL straw...her way of "digging" at me.

I told her if she wasn't coming over I was going to bed. I wished her goodnight....

And we haven't spoken since. I see her online occasionally but neither of us messages each other. That's exactly the kind of person she is - people are one big light switch with her.

ON or OFF. When she's into you, you're the most interesting and compelling person around. When she's not, you're less than worthless. I'd venture to say she hasn't given a moment's thought about this recent silence.

So fuck her.

P.S. - Oh yeah, and her Birthday present (massage/manicure/pedicure) has still not been given to her. I wonder if I can get a refund for the "certificate"? I hate being an asshole but I could really use the $120 it cost me and besides I'm not planning to pick up the phone to deliver it to her.

- Vampyr

 

[Vampyr]

Hitting the Wall - Part 2

Now for the painful stuff.

I made a colossal mistake. Right around the time I saw things going down the tubes with "the girl I used to date", I started thinking about my ex-fiancee.

You see, I had come through this past few months feeling just FINE. I had minimal contact with her, mostly a few sporadic calls she made to me early on which had stopped. So I got a little worried about her, since she has no friends to turn to for consolation. And I thought to myself "Well, I've gotten through this OK, so let me check on her".

I played with fire.

It started innocently enough. I called her. We made some small talk, updates about how she's been, what she's doing with her life, etc. I asked her the important relevant questions to avoid any weirdness - Are you seeing anyone? Do you have new friends you can talk with and spend time with?

She made everything sound so innocent. Yes, new friends, she met them through some gay guy that lives in her new complex. No, she's not dating anyone, she wants some time alone to sort things out.

I even found out where she lives (I had never bothered to ask her when she moved out of my house). Turns out it's about 2 blocks away and the back of her apartment faces the road I drive down every day on the way to work or when I venture out to get smokes.

Here's where it gets worse. Dumb-ass me, I start angling for the sex thing. BEFORE I get crucified, I know I was an asshole to do that. I know that guys who come to women after a relationship trying to line-up some steady no-feelings-no-commitment sex are lowlifes. I can only plead temporary insanity.

I should have realized it was unfair to her. And wouldn't you know, she declined. Repeatedly.

I began to get intrigued and redoubled my efforts. What a fool I was...I knew it would wind up hurting her. But I was selfish and viewed it as a "game" that I wanted to win.

Looking back now, I should have noticed some suspicious things.

1. She seemed almost TOO lighthearted talking to me. Not at all like the miserable/sad/lonely/depressed girl she had been at first. Not at all like the girl I expected her to still be.

2. Her cell phone was usually turned OFF in the evenings. I could only reach her during daylight hours usually. I took to calling her nearly daily and so I could pretty much pinpoint when it was being turned off. Now, I should clarify - her cell phone SUCKS. When I was with her, it would constantly die, wouldn't pick up calls, and voice mails would be left that never showed up on the phone. Oh and if you charged it, it wouldn't take calls. REAL old school, crappy phone. I rationalized that either (a) the phone was still acting up or (b) she was intentionally turning it off to avoid being tempted by my offers to come over at night. Plus, being that she strips and all, I figured she doesn't need fucked up emotional feelings before she goes to work, so she probably shut the phone off out of self-preservation. I respected that.

3. I was never provided her home phone number. I casually asked for it and she laughed. I got the impression I was only supposed to call her on the cell phone. OK. Fair enough.

So, me being me, I began to get suspicious. To be fair, she had asked me questions about whether I'd been with another girl since we'd broken up. I lied and said no.

Then something else weird started happening. EVERY night...no exception...I began to wake up at EXACTLY 5:30am for no apparent reason. I'd look at the clock and feel disoriented. And then...overwhelming sadness.

You see, this is the time she'd normally get home from work. My mental alarm clock used to tell me to wake up if I hadn't heard her get home by then (when we were living together). I'd get worried or nervous or whatever since her job is kinda dangerous and sometimes she drives home having had a few drinks.

Now all of a sudden, a few months after she leaves me, I wake up at that time every day. And I feel initially worried - where is she? Why isn't she here?

And then I realize she isn't there because she's NOT coming home. She DOESN'T live with me anymore. She's NEVER coming home at that time again.

The sadness hits me like a wave. I dare say, for those others of you out there who are depressed lately - there is NO worse time in a 24 hour period than the time just before dawn. I lay there in the grayish light of the bedroom and feel overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness. Nothing on TV. Too early to wake up for work. Sleep deprived. Unable to get back to sleep because of the crippling sadness. I usually sit there for an hour until the room is completely light. Then..and only then...can I *maybe* get back to sleep for another hour or so until work.

I think about her a lot at that time, because I know that if she's working that night, she's gotten home and is watching TV/eating/taking a shower. I know that in this lonely world where few people are up at 5:30am, she is. And I wonder if she misses me.

Last Saturday night, I went out and got really drunk with some friends. We went up to Ft. Lauderdale and partied till 5am at the bars up there. By the time I got back to my buddies house (he was driving) it was after 6am.

I became brazen. I called directory assistance en route to my house and got her new home phone number. I called. She was up. She was shocked and surprised at the call. She started to abruptly get hysterical - "Why the FUCK are you calling me now, I can't deal with this shit!!!" and hung up.

I pondered. I realized with horror that I had crossed the line. *I* was the weirdo ex-boyfriend now...the guy I never have been before. *I* was the one acting psycho, calling her at 6am at a number she didn't give me. *I* was wrong and insensitive calling her at that time ostensibly to continue to try to get laid.

While I was pondering this, my cell phone rang. The number showed up as her house number that I'd just called. I picked up....

And on the other end of the line was some DUDE. And he was fucking PISSED. That motherfucker was one of the most ghetto-sounding scumbags you could ever imagine.

The rest is a complete fog, because I couldn't catch enough air in my lungs for my brain to function. A giant imaginary fist smashed my stomach and whisked the life out of me. I heard the words from him:

"What the FUCK are you doing calling MY HOUSE at this time of the night? WHO do you think you are, you fucker?"

I was speechless. He said:

"What's the matter? Nothing to say?".

I responded: "YOUR house?"

Then he said he'd come over to MY house RIGHT NOW so I could see how it feels. Now I was pissed. I told him to PLEASE come over. HURRY over. I was out for blood.

I drove the rest of the way home in complete pain, misery, and fury. I waited for him in front. For about half an hour. He never showed.

I guess I don't have to make the point here that this was the proverbial "slap-in-the-face-fuck-you-I-have-moved-on-and-am-fucking-someone-else" from my ex. This was HARD, COLD reality. This was undeniable proof.

She had moved on.

I didn't sleep a wink that "night". Sunday was spent in physical and emotional agony. Hoping she'd call with SOME explanation. Feeling hung over from the drinking. No appetite. Nothing. Just emptiness.

She never called...

 

[Vampyr]

Hitting the Wall - Part 3

From there, I descended into the abyss of pathetic behavior and misery.

I felt outraged and betrayed - not because she was seeing someone (I told myself) but because she had LIED when I had asked her about that. Because I had been enjoying our recent conversations and now all of a sudden they're going to end. Horribly and sadly, no less.

I mentally pleaded with her to call - the ball was in her court, after all. HE had threatened me, SHE had lied....and secretly I hoped for some explanation. Maybe it was the "gay guy" she had befriended. Maybe she had a male roommate, non-sexual, and he was legitimately pissed that "drunk ex-boyfriend" was calling at 6am. Maybe I had just disrupted something BEFORE it happened.

She never called. By Monday, utterly miserable, I called her and left her an angry voice mail. Basically saying "If what I THINK has happened, has happened, I don't expect I'll be talking to you ever again, so have a nice life. I can't believe you have been lying to me. I hope you're happy because I'm miserable now".

I expected a callback. None came. I started trying to call her cell phone on Wednesday ...meeting the immediate voice mail that signifies her phone is off.

I called Wednesday night. It rang and went to voice mail. I left no message. I called again right at the time I figured she'd be going to work. She didn't answer.

Then she called back 5 minutes later.

We yelled. We argued. I tried to pry info from her. She wouldn't give it - said she didn't have to explain herself to me. It got nasty. It got vicious. It got angry. She hung up on me.

She called me back an hour later. Calmer now. We talked some more. It escalated again.

I can't begin to express the mixed messages involved in those conversations. They're all a blur. She loves me. She didn't think we'd ever work things out so she moved on. But now she's not so sure. She has "made a big mistake". She hopes I can overlook it. I'm an asshole. I fucked up our relationship, not her.

At some point she even makes reference to having "evidence" against me. How I have been walking girls out at 2am in the morning. Kissing one of them by her car. How I went out to Marina with a bunch of girls a while back. ALL OF THESE THINGS WERE TRUE. She even said "Don't get me started, I have more."

I am still mystified at how she came across this information. Hiding in the bushes? Parking down the street and watching me? If so, how many times did she waste the entire night when NOTHING was going on? Engaging the services of a "neighborhood informant"? (this seems most likely). I don't know. She also made references to financial things she only could have seen in my checkbook...and I'm pretty sure those transactions were entered in my checkbook AFTER she moved out. I have now begun to doubt whether she didn't make a copy of my key before she gave me back hers...because I'll be damned if she's not the type that wouldn't still be coming into my house while I'm at work. She is super "sneaky" and "curious"....I always knew that about her. That kind of freaked me out. Eventually she hung up on me again.

After the second hangup, she called finally a third time at 1:30am. I think that's where I made the critical mistake. You see, I was still very angry and hurt, but I talked to her softly and cooly. That might have been the phone call where we tried to work things out...that was the tone I gathered from her. But I couldn't be the bigger man and swallow my pride. She was digging, for what I'm not sure - and I GAVE HER NOTHING. She got interrupted by her boss...said she had to go. Asked me if I wanted her to call me back. I told her "What's there to talk about? Besides, I have to go to bed, it's late". She said fine, she wouldn't call me again that night.

Thursday came and went. I felt as if we had an unfinished conversation lingering, but she didn't call me. I held out and didn't call her either. The day passed.

Friday I was in the throes of misery again. Woke up at 5:30am. Realized I couldn't go to work. Stayed home all day, debating what to do next. Could I ever take her back after she'd been with another guy? Could I get over that? Was it even worth it?

I broke down Friday night and called her again. She answered and immediately said "What's Wrong?". I replied: "What do you mean? I just called to talk, I thought we had an unfinished conversation".

She asked me: "What, do you think you can just call me whenever you feel like it? Who do you think you are? I'm getting ready to go out right now. Look, I can't go through this shit anymore. I'm changing my number soon."

I said "So what are you telling me? You're dating someone else and you've moved on, is that it?"

She said "Yes, that's it.". And then "Goodbye".

With that she hung up on me. Again I thought she'd call back. She never did. I realized by her tone that she must've been WITH that guy or ABOUT to see that guy. Sadness overwhelmed me again. I sat home alone Friday night.

I rationalized it - this guy must be putting on extra effort lately to win her over. Or her co-workers or her mom have rallied her spirits a little not to put up with my shit. She has a renewed sense of confidence that wasn't there two nights before.

Today (Saturday) was no different. I went in to work for a bit. Missing her....wanting to talk to her again. And knowing that the door was nearly shut.

Still, I found myself driving by her mom's house to see if she was there (she wasn't), and by her gym (nope), and by her favorite shopping places (she wasn't there either), and even through the parking lot of a restaurant she likes (not there either).

I thought more about our last phone call. A changed phone number sends a pretty clear signal, and I had to save a SHRED of dignity and just let her be....so I can't call her again.

With that, I called a "final" time. Straight to voicemail. I left this message, more or less:

"I'm glad I got your voicemail, if it would've started to ring I would have hung up. I don't want to disturb or upset you by continuing to call. I guess I have no choice now but to accept your decision and maybe things are progressing with this other guy. I only wanted to let you know what I couldn't say before when we have been speaking. I realize now, at the end, that I still love you. And that I miss you. As misguided as my previous phone calls have been, I think deep down inside all I really wanted to do was see you, and know that you still wanted to see me. I love you, and since you're changing your phone number soon, that's the last time you'll have to hear it. Goodbye, ex-fiancee".

That was about 4 hours ago and as you can see it's obviously still on my mind. I'm full of mixed emotions. Part of me hopes she calls...but part of me doesn't. I'm not sure I even WANT this to work out, in the end. I'm not sure we could overcome the previous problems we had. I'm not sure if she still misses and loves me or is at the point of supreme annoyance. I know I'm being really weird and I don't like feeling that way.

I know one day the misery will pass. But unfortunately I'm too miserable to function or do anything like go out and "pretend" to have a good time. All I would do is think about her the whole night, and the "good time" SHE'S having with her new "boyfriend". And I'd need to drink. HEAVILY. Which is never good in these situations.

So I'm too miserable to go out and have fun. And yet I won't get better unless I can start going out and having fun.

I wonder if I'll ever meet my kind of girl, ever be in love again, in a fucked up city like Miami.

I wonder if my ex-fiancee has gotten that voice mail yet.

I wonder if she deletes it or saves it.

I wonder if she tells "him" about it.

I wonder if she still loves me and cares.

I wonder when I can stop waking up at 5:30am and stop being listless and ineffective at work.

I wonder when I'm going to stop smoking TWO PACKS of cigarettes a day like I have been lately.

I wonder when I'll stop needing sleeping pills to get to sleep.

I wonder when I'll stop falling asleep completely dreading the next day, knowing I'll be miserable and listless all day.

I wonder if Christmas can be postponed.

I wonder if the pain will go away, and if so, when.

I wonder if I should stop listening to all this sad music.

I wonder when I'm just going to break down and cry (I haven't....yet).

I wonder when I'm going to stop driving by her new apartment and looking in that direction, hoping to see her car in the lot or evidence of exactly WHICH apartment is hers.


- Vampyr

 

[Vampyr]

Nice Email

I got a really nice email from someone who read my journal.

THANK you, your words are encouraging and I appreciate you sharing your personal experience with me.

It's also nice to know that people read my journal, I never really get any feedback about it (which is OK, I didn't start it for that purpose).

I hope the person who sent me this doesn't mind my sharing the email....there is no way to respond to it since I guess it's anonymously routed to me through these message boards so I couldn't reply in person.

BUT, I will say, I LOVE the movie Swingers, and I own it, and I completely agree that it is the HOLY GRAIL for guys who are single and miserable over ex-girlfriends. A lot of great lessons to be learned.

Anyway without further ado, the Email I received:

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Wow. You and I have paralel lives. I too was engaged to a stripper and thought she was different and thought she was the best thing in the world. She came home one day from work and said there was no spark in our relationship and left. Just like that. No explanation other than the spark thing. Blew me away. It took me a long time to get to a point where I could function again. That was 2 years ago. I'm over her now but I still love her. I know, sad isn't it. Here is the kicker. 4 months ago I saw her best friend and started to talk. The conversation casually got to my ex and come to find out she is now married and from the sound of it had been for quite some time. It was like the it happened all over again. It took about 2 weeks for me to get out of that one so hang in there. I know it sounds stupid but I watched "Swingers" a lot and it kind of made me feel better. I feel for you man.

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Again, thank you kindly to the person who took the time to write that. I hope you've moved on and that you find someone who can make you happy! I suspect I'll be a lot like you at some point down the road - still knowing I love a girl who is with someone else. But I'm not afraid of that feeling....I just don't want it to consume me. Be good, anonymous friend!

- Vampyr