Shit I wrote in college
- Thread starter Holy Joe
- Start date
shoryuken - a dream
we sat on the floor of an apartment i had never been to, yet was my own. soft carpet beneath us, tickling our inexplicably bare feet. a large window to our backs let in warm afternoon sunlight, reinforcing a euphoric mood.
she was gorgeous, albeit untraditionally so. her shoulder length hair was black, and kept in messy pigtails. her bangs were short, just covering her forehead. her makeup, applied expertly, emphasized her eyes. their color i cannot recall.
i would say she stood around 5'6". she wore baggy jeans and a hemp belt. her top was mysterious; revealing, yet shapeless. i can not describe it any other way. through it, a tattoo around her midsection was slightly visible, immediately where the bottom of her breasts met her stomach.
she irradiated comfort. i immediately grasped her hand and she gave mine a small squeeze. we sat and talked about nothing in particular, bathing in her relaxing aura. somehow she knew no worry, that was certain.
i asked to see her tattoo. she removed her top, smiling. a strange black design was woven around her stomach, with pieces that shimmered like a hologram. i thought to myself, "oh, they can do that with tattoos now."
suddenly we are playing street fighter. i choose ken (he is the best). she also chooses ken. i look at her and grin. we were about to embark on a classic match. no strange new characters, no tricks. no demon warriors, no sanity deprived lunatics dressed in skeleton suits. no baseball bats. back to basics, ken vs ken.
lost in my anticipatory thoughts, the match has begun as i am struck with a triple-hitting dragon punch. i turn my head and stare at her in awe. she can do a dragon punch!
we sat on the floor of an apartment i had never been to, yet was my own. soft carpet beneath us, tickling our inexplicably bare feet. a large window to our backs let in warm afternoon sunlight, reinforcing a euphoric mood.
she was gorgeous, albeit untraditionally so. her shoulder length hair was black, and kept in messy pigtails. her bangs were short, just covering her forehead. her makeup, applied expertly, emphasized her eyes. their color i cannot recall.
i would say she stood around 5'6". she wore baggy jeans and a hemp belt. her top was mysterious; revealing, yet shapeless. i can not describe it any other way. through it, a tattoo around her midsection was slightly visible, immediately where the bottom of her breasts met her stomach.
she irradiated comfort. i immediately grasped her hand and she gave mine a small squeeze. we sat and talked about nothing in particular, bathing in her relaxing aura. somehow she knew no worry, that was certain.
i asked to see her tattoo. she removed her top, smiling. a strange black design was woven around her stomach, with pieces that shimmered like a hologram. i thought to myself, "oh, they can do that with tattoos now."
suddenly we are playing street fighter. i choose ken (he is the best). she also chooses ken. i look at her and grin. we were about to embark on a classic match. no strange new characters, no tricks. no demon warriors, no sanity deprived lunatics dressed in skeleton suits. no baseball bats. back to basics, ken vs ken.
lost in my anticipatory thoughts, the match has begun as i am struck with a triple-hitting dragon punch. i turn my head and stare at her in awe. she can do a dragon punch!
happy new friday
It's come to my attention that a lot of people don't understand the concept of "New Friday". This means that I'm not doing my job, so lets get down to it.
Everybody loves Friday. Wouldn't it be great if it happened more than once a week? It would. So I thought, sure, everybody wants extra Fridays, but who is doing anything about it? Nobody. I must take things into my own hands.
If we want things to change, we are going to have to work together. That means getting rid of these old, un-fun days. We all know that Monday is the least fun day, and consequently will be the most difficult one to get rid of. I propose we start with Thursday; taking a start-out-slow mentality with the hopes of eventually building up enough steam to take out Monday.
Thursday is now New Friday. Actually it has been for a while now, you just didn't know about it.
Now if we all cooperate, once New Friday is accepted, we can move on to Wednesday. It will eventually be known as "Advanced Friday". This may take years. Hell, it may take decades, but listen to me: it's worth it.
I'll tell you right now, Monday will be tough. It is unquestionably the worst day. This makes it our most important cause. We must turn it into not only an acceptable day, but the best day. For this reason it will be called "Best Friday".
You may have noticed that I skipped Tuesday. And with good reason; Tuesday is a source of controversy. There are several proposals for what day should replace Tuesday. These include:
Improved Friday
Better Friday
Sweet Friday
Elevated Friday
Revised Friday
and others.
Throw me an email if you have a suggestion for Tuesday, and I'll propose it to the comittee.
Oh, and before I forget, because this new naming convention may confuse people when it's actually Friday, the correct name is instead "Classic Friday".
Lets work together and make the world a better place for our grandkids.
It's come to my attention that a lot of people don't understand the concept of "New Friday". This means that I'm not doing my job, so lets get down to it.
Everybody loves Friday. Wouldn't it be great if it happened more than once a week? It would. So I thought, sure, everybody wants extra Fridays, but who is doing anything about it? Nobody. I must take things into my own hands.
If we want things to change, we are going to have to work together. That means getting rid of these old, un-fun days. We all know that Monday is the least fun day, and consequently will be the most difficult one to get rid of. I propose we start with Thursday; taking a start-out-slow mentality with the hopes of eventually building up enough steam to take out Monday.
Thursday is now New Friday. Actually it has been for a while now, you just didn't know about it.
Now if we all cooperate, once New Friday is accepted, we can move on to Wednesday. It will eventually be known as "Advanced Friday". This may take years. Hell, it may take decades, but listen to me: it's worth it.
I'll tell you right now, Monday will be tough. It is unquestionably the worst day. This makes it our most important cause. We must turn it into not only an acceptable day, but the best day. For this reason it will be called "Best Friday".
You may have noticed that I skipped Tuesday. And with good reason; Tuesday is a source of controversy. There are several proposals for what day should replace Tuesday. These include:
Improved Friday
Better Friday
Sweet Friday
Elevated Friday
Revised Friday
and others.
Throw me an email if you have a suggestion for Tuesday, and I'll propose it to the comittee.
Oh, and before I forget, because this new naming convention may confuse people when it's actually Friday, the correct name is instead "Classic Friday".
Lets work together and make the world a better place for our grandkids.
loudest thing ever
freshman year, i lived on the top floor of a three-story dorm. a bond was established between several of us on this floor. this bond was loosely based on the fact that what we thought was funny, other people thought was stupid.
one of our favorite passtimes was of course coming up with funny, stupid shit. coupled with the thin floor separating us from the 2nd floor of whiny angry girls, this inspired several sound-based... discoveries, if you will.
the first was the notion of the noise machine, which consisted of roughly 3 basic parts: a boot, to serve as the noise making instrument; a piston of some sort, to encourage the boot to stomp on the floor; and finally, wheels, to propel the machine up and down the hall.
unfortunately this device never came to fruition, mostly due to its complexity and relatively small amount of noise production. clearly we had to work harder.
after a lot of head scratching, we were content to focus our attention elsewhere, and settle for simple running to produce the much needed noise. now, make note that we aren't barbarians. we didn't just run up and down the hall, devoting our lives to creating an excessive disturbance. i forgot to mention, we're also lazy. so basically we just made extra noise at our convenience, while we were on our way to other, more distant nonsense.
time went on, our failure nearly forgotten, until one bright, glorious day. one of us, in a drunken stupor no doubt, realized that we were attacking the problem from entirely the wrong angle. the floors, while decent conductors of sound, were no match for the sound production capabilities of the building's stairwell.
the stairwell was truly an acoustic marvel. my roomate used to play his guitar in there because of the sound. made entirely of concrete with steel railings, the stairwell made all sounds louder, with echos and everything.
naturally, the first thing on everyone's mind was, "dude, what if we dropped one of those all-metal shopping carts down there!" somehow, we just instinctively knew: this would be the loudest thing ever.
unfortunately, we never did it. i know, it's awful. we sure did fantasize about it all the time though. most likely we would have been in real trouble had we gone through with this.. but with god as my witness, it would have been so worth it.
i didn't get laid a lot in college. my biggest regret is without a doubt not dropping the shopping cart down the stairwell.
one day we stumbled across something nearly as awesome. we blew a whistle as hard as we could while standing in the stairwell. this prompted an immediate appearance of all three resident advisors (one on each floor) in the stairwell, singing a veritable chorus of "no"s, complete with fingers pointing directly at the man with the whistle at his lips.
i still maintain that the shopping cart would have been louder.
freshman year, i lived on the top floor of a three-story dorm. a bond was established between several of us on this floor. this bond was loosely based on the fact that what we thought was funny, other people thought was stupid.
one of our favorite passtimes was of course coming up with funny, stupid shit. coupled with the thin floor separating us from the 2nd floor of whiny angry girls, this inspired several sound-based... discoveries, if you will.
the first was the notion of the noise machine, which consisted of roughly 3 basic parts: a boot, to serve as the noise making instrument; a piston of some sort, to encourage the boot to stomp on the floor; and finally, wheels, to propel the machine up and down the hall.
unfortunately this device never came to fruition, mostly due to its complexity and relatively small amount of noise production. clearly we had to work harder.
after a lot of head scratching, we were content to focus our attention elsewhere, and settle for simple running to produce the much needed noise. now, make note that we aren't barbarians. we didn't just run up and down the hall, devoting our lives to creating an excessive disturbance. i forgot to mention, we're also lazy. so basically we just made extra noise at our convenience, while we were on our way to other, more distant nonsense.
time went on, our failure nearly forgotten, until one bright, glorious day. one of us, in a drunken stupor no doubt, realized that we were attacking the problem from entirely the wrong angle. the floors, while decent conductors of sound, were no match for the sound production capabilities of the building's stairwell.
the stairwell was truly an acoustic marvel. my roomate used to play his guitar in there because of the sound. made entirely of concrete with steel railings, the stairwell made all sounds louder, with echos and everything.
naturally, the first thing on everyone's mind was, "dude, what if we dropped one of those all-metal shopping carts down there!" somehow, we just instinctively knew: this would be the loudest thing ever.
unfortunately, we never did it. i know, it's awful. we sure did fantasize about it all the time though. most likely we would have been in real trouble had we gone through with this.. but with god as my witness, it would have been so worth it.
i didn't get laid a lot in college. my biggest regret is without a doubt not dropping the shopping cart down the stairwell.
one day we stumbled across something nearly as awesome. we blew a whistle as hard as we could while standing in the stairwell. this prompted an immediate appearance of all three resident advisors (one on each floor) in the stairwell, singing a veritable chorus of "no"s, complete with fingers pointing directly at the man with the whistle at his lips.
i still maintain that the shopping cart would have been louder.
now i know this isn't exactly a get-to-know-me kind of journal. it's more of a listen-to-me-spout-off-about-irrelevant-crap journal, but allow me to escape that for an entry or two.
you may have noticed the several week gap in my posts, and that was becuase my life has been changing a bit lately. i recently quit my job as a corporate whore and picked up and moved south with one of my college buddies. "college buddy".. there's a moniker i never saw myself using. he's not really what i picture the typical college buddy as, so i'm not sure if that's the best term. "life long friend" isn't really appropriate either (we don't fuck each other--at all), but he's a good friend that i met in college, so i suppose that's as good a term as any.
back on topic, i've got no job lined up or anything, i just decided it was time for a change, so here i am. just recently got moved in and all the shit set up.
so lately i have just been dicking around, being unproductive and lazy. i have enough money to survive for a few months, but i'm wondering exactly what i'll end up doing. right now i'm thinking that i'll get in touch with a temp agency. probably do some typing or talking on the phone or whatever, i guess. that will last until i find myself a "career" type job.
maybe i can start a great website. "Am I good in the Sack or Not, dot com" i'm thinking. girls will have to send a picture in. if they are ugly, i'll just give them a 0 rating.. if they're cute, i'll have to bring them in and try them out; rating to be determind post-coitus, of course.
i've come to realize that i haven't had sex nearly enough times. who has though? i mean, unless you've fucked 3 billion women, my guess is that you haven't had your fill yet. as men, we really need to "fuck everybody" as the song goes. truly, i think if i die before my penis falls off due to overuse then i have failed miserably.
you may have noticed the several week gap in my posts, and that was becuase my life has been changing a bit lately. i recently quit my job as a corporate whore and picked up and moved south with one of my college buddies. "college buddy".. there's a moniker i never saw myself using. he's not really what i picture the typical college buddy as, so i'm not sure if that's the best term. "life long friend" isn't really appropriate either (we don't fuck each other--at all), but he's a good friend that i met in college, so i suppose that's as good a term as any.
back on topic, i've got no job lined up or anything, i just decided it was time for a change, so here i am. just recently got moved in and all the shit set up.
so lately i have just been dicking around, being unproductive and lazy. i have enough money to survive for a few months, but i'm wondering exactly what i'll end up doing. right now i'm thinking that i'll get in touch with a temp agency. probably do some typing or talking on the phone or whatever, i guess. that will last until i find myself a "career" type job.
maybe i can start a great website. "Am I good in the Sack or Not, dot com" i'm thinking. girls will have to send a picture in. if they are ugly, i'll just give them a 0 rating.. if they're cute, i'll have to bring them in and try them out; rating to be determind post-coitus, of course.
i've come to realize that i haven't had sex nearly enough times. who has though? i mean, unless you've fucked 3 billion women, my guess is that you haven't had your fill yet. as men, we really need to "fuck everybody" as the song goes. truly, i think if i die before my penis falls off due to overuse then i have failed miserably.
hitticus
Emperor: Bring me Hitticus! I must see him at once!
Executive Officer: At once! Call for Hitticus!
Executive Officer: Sire, Hitticus has arrived.
Emperor: Excellent, I will see him now.
Executive Officer: Announcing Hitticus!
Hitticus: Oh great Emperor, I'm honored to appear before you. What does Rome require of my humble services?
Emperor: Great scientist Hitticus, you are too modest. Your skills of science are unmatched throughout the land. For this reason I have brought you here today.
Hitticus: Sire, you have but to command me, and it shall be done.
Emperor: Ah yes, I do not doubt your loyalty, Hitticus. But first let us share a bit of ale while I relate a most curious discovery. Do you enjoy the sport of the hunt, Hitticus?
Hitticus: No sire, I am no hunter.
Emperor: No matter, no matter. As you may know, every autumn I enjoy a hunting trip with the men. The thrill of the hunt is quite exhilirating. I believe it keeps me young.
Hitticus: I am told you are exceptionally skilled in the art of tracking prey, sire.
Emperor: (laughs) I enjoy the challenge. Indeed, I require that each hunt take place in unexplored wilderness.
Hitticus: Your thirst for adventure is impressive, sire!
Emperor: Allow me to get to the point. On our most recent trip we discovered a grove of strange bushes, unlike anything ever seen before. The men were put off by the vegetation's pungent odor.
Hitticus: Interesting. You say it had a strong odor?
Emperor: Indeed, the men claimed no animal worth stalking would find itself anywhere near such an abomination to the nose. Nevertheless I insisted that as much of the growth be taken along as possible. I have brought you here so you may study what was gathered.
Hitticus: I admit, I am intrigued by your tale. May I see the samples?
Emperor: Certainly, I will arrange to have it transported to your laboratory.
Hitticus: Excellent. I will begin my work at once!
And so, the Emperor arranged for the entire stock of the strange vegetation (which amounted to several roomfulls) to be delivered to Hitticus' laboratory.
Back at the lab...
Hitticus: Cod sorn it, the stench!
Assistant: Master, from whence did this malodorous flora originate?
Hitticus: I do not know, my apprentice. The laboratory is filled with it! I can barely locate my own feet, let alone my literature on indegenous species of shrubs!
Assistant: Where shall we begin, master?
Hitticus: Again, my apprentice, I cannot say. What his greatness expects me to do with this mess confounds me. I suggest we turn our attention back to our alchemy. Were we to turn lead to gold, our sire may forget about such nonsense of bushes.
One week later, a nerve-wracked Hitticus worries that the Emperor wants results that he does not have.
Hitticus: Apprentice! Apprentice!! Where is my flint?
Assistant: Master I cannot locate anything in the laboratory with this dried plant matter occupying all available space!
Hitticus: Yes yes, I am aware of the mess. I must complete this experiment or the emperor will have my head!
Assistant: I have found it, master.
Hitticus: Quickly, we must heat this amalgam of lead over the Bunsen burner*! If my calculations are correct, the alloy will change to gold!
Assistant: I will strike the flint!
As the apprentice wildy struck the flint, sparks flew about the laboratory, igniting several small fires that went ignored due to the pair's intense concentration towards their experiment.
Hitticus: Quickly, stir the mixture!
Assistant: Is it working, master?!
Hitticus: My calculations must be in error! Drat! What shall I do, what shall I do?!
Assistant: FIRE!!
Hitticus: He will have my head!
Assistant: FIRE!!!
Hitticus: Huh? Quickly, fetch the pails!
The two extinguished the blaze and sat down to rest outside the laboratory.
Hitticus: (giggling uncontrolably) hahahaha
Assistant: (also giggling) Master, what is so humorous?
Hitticus: (still giggling) Apprentice, it escapes me!
Assistant: (now laughing, nearly painfully)
Hitticus: (also laughing) What has become of us?
Assistant: I feel fantastic!
Hitticus: Indeed!
Assistant: Master, it must be that plant! And the fire!
Hitticus: Yes, yes! Quickly, we must construct a device!
Four months, and 3 bong-design iterations later.
Emperor: I grow impatient, waiting to hear of Hitticus' findings.
Executive Officer: Presenting Hitticus!
Emperor: Well Hitticus, what do you have for me? You have had ample time to conduct your experiments, and now I wish to know all there is to know of this foreign growth. I await to learn of its many uses that will allow Rome to rule over all other civilizations!
Hitticus: Dude.. I uh.. need some more. You know, to do some other experiments. Experiments I, uh, didn't do before. Cause I ran out, you know.
And such is the story of Hitticus, the first man ever to take a hit.
* You heard me, the Bunsen burner.
Emperor: Bring me Hitticus! I must see him at once!
Executive Officer: At once! Call for Hitticus!
Executive Officer: Sire, Hitticus has arrived.
Emperor: Excellent, I will see him now.
Executive Officer: Announcing Hitticus!
Hitticus: Oh great Emperor, I'm honored to appear before you. What does Rome require of my humble services?
Emperor: Great scientist Hitticus, you are too modest. Your skills of science are unmatched throughout the land. For this reason I have brought you here today.
Hitticus: Sire, you have but to command me, and it shall be done.
Emperor: Ah yes, I do not doubt your loyalty, Hitticus. But first let us share a bit of ale while I relate a most curious discovery. Do you enjoy the sport of the hunt, Hitticus?
Hitticus: No sire, I am no hunter.
Emperor: No matter, no matter. As you may know, every autumn I enjoy a hunting trip with the men. The thrill of the hunt is quite exhilirating. I believe it keeps me young.
Hitticus: I am told you are exceptionally skilled in the art of tracking prey, sire.
Emperor: (laughs) I enjoy the challenge. Indeed, I require that each hunt take place in unexplored wilderness.
Hitticus: Your thirst for adventure is impressive, sire!
Emperor: Allow me to get to the point. On our most recent trip we discovered a grove of strange bushes, unlike anything ever seen before. The men were put off by the vegetation's pungent odor.
Hitticus: Interesting. You say it had a strong odor?
Emperor: Indeed, the men claimed no animal worth stalking would find itself anywhere near such an abomination to the nose. Nevertheless I insisted that as much of the growth be taken along as possible. I have brought you here so you may study what was gathered.
Hitticus: I admit, I am intrigued by your tale. May I see the samples?
Emperor: Certainly, I will arrange to have it transported to your laboratory.
Hitticus: Excellent. I will begin my work at once!
And so, the Emperor arranged for the entire stock of the strange vegetation (which amounted to several roomfulls) to be delivered to Hitticus' laboratory.
Back at the lab...
Hitticus: Cod sorn it, the stench!
Assistant: Master, from whence did this malodorous flora originate?
Hitticus: I do not know, my apprentice. The laboratory is filled with it! I can barely locate my own feet, let alone my literature on indegenous species of shrubs!
Assistant: Where shall we begin, master?
Hitticus: Again, my apprentice, I cannot say. What his greatness expects me to do with this mess confounds me. I suggest we turn our attention back to our alchemy. Were we to turn lead to gold, our sire may forget about such nonsense of bushes.
One week later, a nerve-wracked Hitticus worries that the Emperor wants results that he does not have.
Hitticus: Apprentice! Apprentice!! Where is my flint?
Assistant: Master I cannot locate anything in the laboratory with this dried plant matter occupying all available space!
Hitticus: Yes yes, I am aware of the mess. I must complete this experiment or the emperor will have my head!
Assistant: I have found it, master.
Hitticus: Quickly, we must heat this amalgam of lead over the Bunsen burner*! If my calculations are correct, the alloy will change to gold!
Assistant: I will strike the flint!
As the apprentice wildy struck the flint, sparks flew about the laboratory, igniting several small fires that went ignored due to the pair's intense concentration towards their experiment.
Hitticus: Quickly, stir the mixture!
Assistant: Is it working, master?!
Hitticus: My calculations must be in error! Drat! What shall I do, what shall I do?!
Assistant: FIRE!!
Hitticus: He will have my head!
Assistant: FIRE!!!
Hitticus: Huh? Quickly, fetch the pails!
The two extinguished the blaze and sat down to rest outside the laboratory.
Hitticus: (giggling uncontrolably) hahahaha
Assistant: (also giggling) Master, what is so humorous?
Hitticus: (still giggling) Apprentice, it escapes me!
Assistant: (now laughing, nearly painfully)
Hitticus: (also laughing) What has become of us?
Assistant: I feel fantastic!
Hitticus: Indeed!
Assistant: Master, it must be that plant! And the fire!
Hitticus: Yes, yes! Quickly, we must construct a device!
Four months, and 3 bong-design iterations later.
Emperor: I grow impatient, waiting to hear of Hitticus' findings.
Executive Officer: Presenting Hitticus!
Emperor: Well Hitticus, what do you have for me? You have had ample time to conduct your experiments, and now I wish to know all there is to know of this foreign growth. I await to learn of its many uses that will allow Rome to rule over all other civilizations!
Hitticus: Dude.. I uh.. need some more. You know, to do some other experiments. Experiments I, uh, didn't do before. Cause I ran out, you know.
And such is the story of Hitticus, the first man ever to take a hit.
* You heard me, the Bunsen burner.
plummeting right down the toilet
i have a feeling I am near the end here. this journal is the fruit-fly of this message-board's living, breathing threads. it's grown old and tired, and i feel it's at the end of its life-cycle.
i just don't have much to say anymore.
soon things may change, and i'll write some more here. but i won't be held accountable for any asphyxiation deaths, so, you know...
i have a feeling I am near the end here. this journal is the fruit-fly of this message-board's living, breathing threads. it's grown old and tired, and i feel it's at the end of its life-cycle.
i just don't have much to say anymore.
soon things may change, and i'll write some more here. but i won't be held accountable for any asphyxiation deaths, so, you know...