return to you

[sehra]

i'm a loser, baby

problems, today. i'm having serious self-confidence issues. i don't know why. i was driving to a recommended mexican place for lunch, and some bitch stole the last parking spot (that i saw) from me, so i drove away in defeat, intending to go somewhere else for lunch. then i got mad at myself for being a baby about it, so i drove back and got lunch there.

but on the way back to work, i kept having to tell myself comforting phrases. things like:
<ul><li>my friends say i'm one of the most self-assured, smartest, self-confident people they know.</li>
<li>i can make people laugh, so much so that when friends are having a bad day, they'll call just because they know i'll bring them up.</li>
<li>people think i'm successful at everything i do.</li>
<li>people think i'm witty, and are attracted to that.</li></ul>

but notice how most of those are "people think [x,y,z]"? then i started having counters to all those types of thoughts. as in:
<ul><li>*i* know that i am horribly self-conscious, with no self-confidence at all. everything people see is a total and complete act. even when i know i'm exuding self-confidence, i am acting. i'm telling myself in my head "i am going to die because i can't do this" while pulling things off.</li>
<li>i am pretty good at making myself laugh, which is what i think other people find so funny. i have an amusing personality; it doesn't mean i say amusing things. on the same note, i no longer feel witty at all, because i have nobody around who even understands my sense of humor. well, except C, and yes he counts, but that didn't make me feel better while i was on this train of thought.</li>
<li>i am lazy, unmotivated, and going the equivalent of nowhere in my life. "when i apply myself" is the caveat of my life.

also, just because i'm good at everything i do doesn't make me a success. in fact, it's a curse to be good at every single thing i try, because then people want me to be in charge of stupid menial tasks simply because i pay attention to detail and (occasionally) have a good work ethic. and being good at everything means i can't choose to just do the one thing i excel at. i have to try everything, and then i don't know what to actually stick with, because i can do it all.

also, being good at everything means i don't actually excel at anything. i am above-average at nearly everything i try, but i am not outstanding at anything, really. every time anyone has had to teach me anything, they've been astonished at how quickly i learn (whether it's snowboarding, computer programming, speaking a foreign language, playing guitar... it doesn't matter, things rarely stump me). but it doesn't mean anything, because i don't stick with things. except snowboarding, i like that a lot.</li></ul>

[n.b. there are two things i'm not very good at:
one is canvassing for the sierra club (and by extension, i suppose canvassing in general). i did this as my third job (as in, i was working two other jobs at the same time, one during the day at a retail store, and one graveyard shift at kinko's; this one came in between) after i graduated from high school and was living in vermont. i wasn't very good at it, but i stuck with it for months simply because i couldn't believe that i wasn't good at it. i finally told the project coordinator that i had to stop, but it made me feel so bad that i wasn't good at it. i actually told her it was the first thing i ever *wasn't* good at, and i started crying. she was very understanding and sympathetic, and not even in a sarcastic way. i think she understood my high self-standards because she was a bit of the same way.

the other thing i'm not very good at is singing. i like to do it, and i'll even do karaoke when i'm drunk enough, but i don't really have a good voice. some people like it; it's kind of earthy and i can carry a tune in certain keys, but it's not very melodic and it bugs me.]


okay, so this was all bothering me extensively during my lunch break. it bothered me more when i came back to work, had to go talk to the company president, and found his door closed. i wouldn't even knock (even though i normally do). instead, i slunk away and decided i'd just talk to him tomorrow. what is my problem??
on my way back from his offce, i ran into him and of course had to tell him what i needed.

finally, i was going to post an opinion in the Iran News Block thread, and i wrote the whole thing out and then couldn't bring myself to post it. partially because i am ultra-hypercritical of my own opinions, and just saw what i had written being mocked. but also because i didn't even answer her question, i was just commenting on another comment in the thread. and i thought that was stupid, and people would get annoyed, and then i would feel stupid for having done it.

but really what i feel stupid for is not posting it at all because of my insecurities about opening my own damn mouth, even if it is online, where nobody knows me. and who cares if someone points out a fault that i know i have.

i am beating myself into the ground here. i don't know why. C called me again this afternoon for something else, heard the tone of my voice and asked me what was wrong. i told him i was just tired, but when i got off the phone i felt like crying. i wonder if he'd watch a video with me tonight and just hold me. i feel hesitant about asking because we've seen so much of each other the past week - every single day, i think - and he might be wanting a break for himself. but i could really use the comfort tonight.

i'd like to point out that it's 4:48pm, the end of my day, and all i did was answer some calls, be supportive to customers (as those of us in customer support are), send some faxes and file some papers. i didn't work on my real project one bit. not at all. i barely even pretended to, although i have articles on my desk and word documents open with lots of scientific-looking text in them.

ugh, today i am a total failure. why did i even get up? i wish i had stayed home in bed.

 

[sehra]

TGIT, or, why am i a stupid girl?

only one more morning to this week. saw C last night, but we weren't really in the groove. neither one of us slept well, and i'm starting to feel like i need a little me-time. although he has been wanting to see a movie and tonight would be a good night to do it. he's going to be out of town all next week, i think. expect to hear some whining.

yesterday C asked me to bring him some food from a restaurant he likes that is down the street from where i live. which i did. but it's probably the third or fourth time he's asked me to do so in the past couple weeks (with no reciprocation), and i finally got a bit annoyed at him. so i picked up the food, went home and folded a paper hat, stuck it on my head, and when i showed up at his house i told him i was the delivery girl.

his sister thought it was pretty funny; he thanked me several times throughout the night for bringing him stuff when he's tired. whatever. i honestly don't mind doing things for him, but last night i really needed more comforting than i felt i was getting. which is also probably incredibly whiny, because he was very sympathetic about my day and the hard work i do (well, i told him that yesterday i didn't do jack shit, but he understood).

sometimes i am completely fine with the way things are going, and sometimes i feel like i need to know where we are headed. but i'm scared to bring it up, because, well, i'm scared. i don't want to hear him say that he's still not ready. the worst part of this all is that he was ready for us to be completely committed to each other, and i blew it. i left, ran away, broke his heart (but only temporarily, he got over it). and now i just don't know.

at the beginning of the year, i knew it wasn't working out. it was completely obvious. and we broke off our best-friend-ship, because it was too confining to be best friends without the relationship that we had before. it was confusing and frustrating, and it made us both incredibly uptight.

but then, after instituting a no-contact policy, we both realized that we wanted to be together. it was so ridiculous to not speak, not see each other, not share our lives with each other -- especially because it was decided one night while we were happily hanging out drinking wine - we'd spent the day together, and then i asked him what we were doing here, exactly... and the result was that we agreed to not see each other anymore, for one month. effective immediately.

we gave that up right away. i broke the moratorium, went to him and had a talk about how we were being childish, not talking about what was really happening. how i didn't deserve this kind of situation, where we saw other people for a month, then got back together to see how it went. it was like a fucking dating show, in my mind. and i told him a lot of other things. he was incredibly happy to see me again, and was like a giddy little boy that i had come to talk to him. the end result of that talk was that we decided to start dating again, to see each other within that context - not as the best-friends-hanging-out-nonstop one.

and ever since then, things have been wonderful. i let him take it slow, and i think i have been, too. at the beginning, we saw each other one or two times a week. spoke on the phone maybe three or four times. often 2 or 3 days would go by where we wouldn't call each other, but then we'd go out. okay, totally okay.

in the past couple weeks, he's started calling me nearly every day - partially because he needs some help with some stuff he's doing, but sometimes just calling to say hi and then go back to whatever he's doing. he invites me to do things more often (the dinner the other night wasn't the first thing, even though i made a big deal out of it). he's okay with hanging out more frequently than we used to, when that used to make him uptight. we are always happy to see each other, not wary like we used to be before the 'dating' phase started.

so i guess i'll just let this keep going for now. he's starting a new job, as well as starting a small business with a friend of his, and he's going to be incredibly busy starting next week. in fact, he's been pretty busy the past couple weeks, but still finds time to hang out. but he keeps telling me that soon he'll probably be too busy to spend much time together, and to bear with him through that time.

i don't know if i'm dragging this out too long, though. even though it's only been a few months since we've been back together, i feel like i need to know more. i'm afraid he's going to just dump me when i least expect it. i am such a stupid girl. i'm impatient, and it makes me irritable. i think almost every time i see him, that i'll have a talk with him about this, but then i think - no, it's too soon, give him some more time, don't freak him out. or else i just plain chicken out.

what do i do? just sit here and let it keep going this way? bring it up? be patient? i'm afraid that i'm letting him use me if i'm patient for too long, without telling him i want something more.

why must i overanalyze this situation? it was so great when i didn't think about it at all. i think i'm nervous right now because of last night. it wasn't a bad night, i think i was just crowding myself. i probably should have stayed home instead of going to see him. give him a little break so he can remember how he wants me. i hope this is all in my head.

i'm hungry. time to buckle down and work; at least i can do that today.

 

[sehra]

and now, TGIF

i'm having tea and starburst for breakfast at work in order to avoid spending money. i am so freaked out about my debt it's ridiculous. i'm pretty obsessive about everything in general, so it doesn't help that i have quicken on my home computer to remind me in big red numbers every night how much i'm in debt.

however, last night, after i got paid, the thousands digit decreased by one. granted, i'm still in the $xx,900 range, but it helped to see it go down. it'll probably go back up by the time i pay all my bills. hopefully all the overtime i'm working will help out a little this month.

i'm afraid the powers that be will discover i have a real job and will make me start paying off my student loans again before my forbearance period is up in january. i don't have room in my budget for that right now, so i'll just keep quiet about it for a bit longer.

i stayed at home last night instead of spending the night at C's, and feel good about it this morning. however, i did miss his good-night call, which i noticed at 2:30am when i woke up on the couch and went upstairs to bed. i love talking to him before falling asleep, but i was utterly exhausted this morning.

i mean, last night.

this morning i was a basketcase, too. walked out of the house without my purse or phone. turned the wrong way off my street on the way to work - away from the highway entrance i needed. uh?? hope i survive the rest of the day without any more stupidity attacks.

tonight, i want to meet C for drinks and dinner somewhere... haven't decided where yet (and i complain about being in debt? i know i eat out too much; maybe we'll cook). no camping this weekend because i didn't make reservations 7 months in advance. all the nearby state parks are full. i didn't really believe that i had to have a reservation - i've gone up to yosemite in late summer/early fall without reservations and been able to scrounge up a campsite before. i suppose it would be possible to just drop by, but i'd rather not chance it for a one-night stay.

getting a horrible cramp between my shoulder blades, slightly closer to the left one. bad news.

 

[sehra]

his dreams

my baby darling just called me at work. he asked me, "are you moving to france for a year?"

i said, "what are you talking about?"

he told me that he had a dream this morning wherein i told him, "hey, i'm going to france. i'll see you in a year."

and he was sad about it.

i suspect this means that he feels like he's growing closer, maybe as close as we were before i left for boston. and he's afraid i'm going to leave again.

i made light of it, laughed and told him i wasn't going to france - and even if i were, he'd go with me, because we've talked about having a house in france before. "i'm not running away... to france," i told him, though my voice faltered over the phrase 'not running away'.

but really, i feel so sad for remembering what i put him (and me) through when i left last year. basically, that was what i told him: "i'm moving to boston, but it's just for a year. we'll work it out, but i have to go."

i hope with all my heart that he is trusting me again, enough for us to regain what we once had. we're heading that way, definitely, but it's precarious ground in my eyes. i want him to have dreams of our children again, not dreams of me running away. i promise i've learned my lesson.

really, i promise.

 

[sehra]

my stomach hurts. i am in a fair bit of pain, but i don't want to leave work early - if i left now, that's about $35 out of my paycheck. on the other hand, i'd miss the commute home. worth = priceless.

okay, i guess it's worth $35, because i'm sticking around. but i'd really love to just take a nap right now.

i feel like a heel because i am skeptical of C's devotion to me, when i shouldn't be. he was supposed to go out of town yesterday, but the time wasn't set. when i left him in the morning, i wanted to say goodbye in case he left before i got off work, but he told me he'd be around later that night, so i just left.

later, he was quite busy and not able to talk on the phone, so i drove around feeling miffed that he was so busy and thinking that we wouldn't get to see each other before he left. but he soon called me back and said he wanted to meet for dinner after finishing up the last of his errands. that wouldn't be until around 10pm, so i took a nap.

10:05pm: calls to say he was running late but still wanted to come over to see me. he rarely comes over to my place; usually i go to his, so i was glad about this. i decided i'd cook something yummy, ran to the store and made some chicken with mushroom/sherry saucy stuff. it was quite good, really.

anyway, i feel happy that he did want to see me just before he left and made the effort to come by even though he was supposed to have left at midnight (they didn't end up leaving till 4am).

it's hard to get used to the fact that we are truly together again. for too many months i was careful to keep the best-friends distance, or at least to know when i was overstepping the boundaries. and now that he's emotionally ready for us to be together again, i can barely believe it.



i write a lot of entries like this and end up deleting them before i ever post them, because they seem so silly. that's when i'm forgetting that i'll look back through this at some point in the future, as i do with all my journals. because it's not any fun at all to look back and only see remembrances of the bad times - i tend to write so much less about the good things, though i'm starting to do it more.

even though i can't wait to go home, i'm probably just going to fall asleep when i get there. i'm beat. i had to leave at 6am to be at work by 7am yesterday; i worked for 10 straight hours, stayed up till 1:30am with C, and woke up at 7am today for work. i need a nap.

also, i am really craving a roadtrip. i'm a bit jealous of C's drive to las vegas, though i don't really have any desire to go to vegas. ever seen those "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" commercials? i don't like them. they make me feel seedy.

on that note, time for my mini-roadtrip (aka commute) home.

 

[sehra]

days go by

went out with T last night, though not for lack of ideas of things to do at home. she's a pretty good friend - the only person irl who understood the extent of my declining mental state while in boston. i probably shouldn't have gone out though, because i overslept by a half-hour this morning. was only 15 minutes late for work, but it's starting to be consistent, and it probably doesn't look very good, so i should get it together and be on time.

i realized that i am no longer built for a busy social life. T is looking for a new place to live, and she's having a hard time deciding between a social house - one she can go home to and have a bunch of people around to talk to - or living by herself, which she has never done before. that's no contest for me. i hate having people around when i get home; i need my time alone. i feel pretty strongly about this right now because i've been sharing a room for 7 months with someone and i have not had my own space at all. however, this is not to say that i couldn't live with C, because i really feel that i could.

oh, but my point was that i just can't handle going out every night, or even most nights. i feel like i should meet new people, but when i think about the social obligations that would incur, i get turned off of the idea. an old friend recently moved to my area, and i've started doing things with her (as in, one night a week), and now it just feels like i don't have enough time to myself. i think these are primarily because i need to move, though, all these feelings of being stifled.

things i can do (instead of falling asleep) when i get home from work:

1. go to the gym
2. practice violin
3. practice guitar (as soon as C gives me one to use) [i actually typed 'youse' there, believe it or not]
4. practice piano
5. give piano lessons to the friend who asked for them
6. do my french lessons
7. cook, bake
8. catch up on emails
9. research schools; think about what i really want to do when i grow up
10. go to the library so i have good books to read
11. read

so these are all things i can do right now; i'm not even including things i want to do that involve taking classes and going out to certain places and so on. i don't even have to leave the house for most of these things. except going to the gym, which is first on the list for a reason, namely my big ass.

but honestly, when i think about doing those things while i'm at home, i'd really rather just sleep. i'm such a lazy bum.

i swear, i would be so much more motivated if i had my own place to live. or at least a place with my own room. i've GOT to get this figured out soon. the soonest i guess i could move is august, but i'd have to start looking, and before i start looking, i need to have some sort of talk with C, and i keep putting that off because it makes me nervous. it shouldn't, because if he doesn't want to move in together, i think that's totally fine. however, i think i'm nervous because i would really like us to move in together, and therefore it would be a disappointment if he doesn't want to, which i'm pretty sure he doesn't. not because of me, but because ever since i met him, he's talked about wanting his own place since he's always lived with other people.

sooo. i should just stop putting it off. if he doesn't want to live with me, at least i know, and then i can get on with finding a place for myself. i know that's the logical solution, but i just can't bring it up when we're together. i need some encouragement to get through it. bleh, i hate having things like this on my mind, because i can't stop thinking about them. round and round, round and round they go. i really have a quite obsessive thought pattern, which i suppose is apparent in my inability to leave out insignificant details when i start telling a story.

 

[sehra]

new twist

went to the gym tonight, for a change. first time in well over... hmm, 6 to 8 weeks. if i had shipped myself there in a SASE, i'd have shown up at the same time. i figured i was due, because i was supposed to do the danskin triathlon this weekend in sacramento, until i forgot that i was training for it.

also last night, i put on a pair of jeans and a tank top to go out, and i happened to catch a glimpse of my ass in the mirror, and i was not pleased with what i saw. i put on a long dress-shirt just to cover my ass! which i (and many others) happen to love; it is normally quite cute. but it's gotten a little less cute, lately.

i haven't gained weight for a couple years, but i guess i was due for that, too, seeing as how i lost 12 pounds in the single month of september past. pining away for the one you love can do that to you. and trust me, i did not have 12 pounds to lose; i'm only 5'4", normally fairly muscular, and i was down to 108 - a weight i haven't seen since i passed it growing up.

i'm sorry to have to bring this up, but i could really use a good fuck right now. actually, i have been incredibly horny all day. i had to force myself not to think about it during work because i was getting so frustrated. well, really because i think it's creepy to be that horny in my particular office. and C is gone until friday. i'm hoping he calls me to have a little dirty talk tonight when he's drunk (which he will be; i know because i spoke to him earlier).

it's kind of annoying, because even though i love sex all the time, i tend to want it slightly more intensely when i'm on my period. it seems like that craving should be coming a couple weeks earlier, like, when i'm ovulating, but no. actually, around that time i want it too, but it's a different need, then.

oh, get this. i got home from work today, and i sat down with a corona (blech, but it was all i saw in the fridge) and i grabbed a HOTSESS CUPCAKE. i cannot convey to you how anti-me this is. last weekend, when i was totally drunk with my housemate, she grabbed them and ate a couple. even in my trashed state, i refused the hostess crap, because i honestly have never, ever liked them, even as a kid. and today, i went straight for the box and ate one! i was pretty disgusted while i did it, though. the beer washed it down pretty well. i can only assume this is because i'm on my period, even though i normally don't have cravings like that associated with it (because i have strong food cravings all the time, not related to ol' aunt flo).

whatever. i'm loopy and tired and i have to go buy tickets to see harland williams on saturday. hasta.

[edit: bulletin board mainetenance! why must it keep me from posting? hope i remember to post this in the morning.]

 

[sehra]

is it friday already?

had another re-motivating day at work yesterday. i think i'll be very good at this job. when i want to be. there's always a caveat.

moving has become much more imperative now that i've discovered that my roommates are looking for a new place. i told them (or the one that told me that they've already started looking - yes, without informing me) not to look for a 3-bedroom place, as i'd like to look on my own. but now i have to make good on that.

C comes back into town today; perhaps i'll talk to him about moving tonight. it would be good, because we already have a date on saturday night, so that prevents the distancing that might happen if i bring up a touchy subject.

i'm horrible, really. i envision all these scenarios where horrible things happen (like, he doesn't want to talk about it and because of that then avoids me for as long as possible and hopes i don't bring it up again), when really they bear no relation to reality, the person i know he is, and the relationship i have. he won't do that, so why do i even go through this thought process? i really can't help it. it's sort of a protective mechanism. so that if something *does* go wrong down the line, i can look back and point and say - i'm not a total moron, i saw it coming, i saw all the signs, see?

yes, i'm a loser.

communication isn't an issue. we actually have very strong, open communication, which is the only way we've gotten to where we are. yes, some things are more difficult and uncomfortable to talk about, but we've always gotten through it. so why do i act as if i'm an emotionally-stunted idiot when it comes to these things? i don't know. i think it comes across that way when i write because this is the only way i can voice my insecurities. we do not have as superficial a relationship as i'm afraid i make it sound. things are not as rocky as i probably convey. all of the misgivings i have are the doubts and insecurities that i cannot make go away, even when i know how good things are.

and if i plagued C with my insecurities, why would he want to be with me? so i act, no, i am strong around him, around everyone i know. in fact, it used to be a very severe fault. i could not be emotional around anyone, because i was "too strong" to let them see that part of me. i've learned better than that, now. what was my point, though? i guess just that the reason i whine and bitch here is because it's the only place i can. i can write it all out, look at it later, and realize how stupid i was for blowing a situation all out proportion in my mind -- and try to prevent that from occurring next time.

i'm not the kind of person who can just throw out heavy issues (well, heavy to me) on the table without considering the possiblities of the way a conversation could go. i need to think different angles through, so that i'm not flying by the seat of my pants and forgetting important information during a discussion. sometimes it's hard for me to keep my thoughts collected, so i need that planning time. i'm getting better about being confident in the thoughts i come up with on the spot, but i used to always walk away from conversations (about anything and everything) thinking "damnit, i should have said 'X' at that point, and now it's too late, and that might have changed things" [where 'changing things' may mean something as simple as making my ideas clearer in someone else's mind... i don't talk to people because i want them to smile and nod, i want them to genuinely understand what i'm trying to say, and i want to genuinely understand what they're trying to say. and it is so, so, so difficult to find people who actually care about the words coming out of their (and my) mouth. they talk for the sake of talking, they don't listen, and their thoughts are generally superficial. and i'm guilty of this in certain social situations, too, i admit. but i know it, and i try hard not to be that way. and with my friends, i try extra-hard. and you know what? if i don't have the energy to devote to a real conversation with you, i'll tell you. i won't talk to you. because that's not worth it to me, to have that pointless fake exchange of information.]

so, taking this aside out of the brackets and into another paragraph, my obsessive nature also compels (uh-oh, now it's obsessive-compulsive) me to say that i have gotten better about understanding the social necessity of small talk and finding areas of common ground between me and the vast ocean of people in the world with whom i feel i have nothing in common.

really, i've always been good at relating to other people, but that's because i think i'm much more sensitive to their level of awareness in the world. my hyper-awareness of myself makes me much more conscious of how they perceive things. it's as if there are levels to seeing the world, ranging from, you know, superficial to deep (this is corny). and if someone is that superficial, i can be that superficial with them. i try to encourage them to look a little deeper, but i can only expend so much energy on that. and i tend to spend my time with the people who can see as deep as i can (by NO means am i trying to say 'gosh i'm so deep, and all those superficial people can kiss my ass'. only that whatever 'level' i'm on, i know that there are other people with the same awareness, or better, and i get along best with them. i'm sure there are people out there who are much <i>more</i> aware, or deep, or whatever - than i am.)

i hope i'm not making a horrible mess out of this idea, though i suspect i am. it's hard to describe being incredibly introverted and self-contemplative, while at the same time being relatively extroverted (for that type of personality).

as they (people who liked me) told me in lots of my interviews, "it's incredibly difficult to find a scientist with a personality." you can think about that, i'm too tired of explaining things to talk about scientists and why we're in science and so on versus the broad, inadequate description of "having a personality". also no energy to give the full disclaimer so i'll just say that i'm not trying to insult anyone else who may be in science.

hm. so. i was not intending to write about all that, it just plopped out onto the keyboard. i'm not fully doing those ideas justice, but this is one of those examples where i didn't plan it out beforehand. if i don't post it now, i'll spend hours going back and trying to make things clearer, editing and re-reading (uh-huh, ocd), and it'll never get done, like so many things i write. so, here goes; i'm gonna 'submit reply'.

guess i'll save the boring daily incidentals for my next post.

 

[sehra]

feeling pretty lost

i'm not sure how to feel about this weekend. i have lots on my mind, and it seems like a lot of it kind of came to a head the past couple of days. at least the parts regarding moving, and my stupid life.

moving. thursday night, housemate (HM) asked me if roommate (RM, i am so creative tonight) had talked to me about moving. nope, she hadn't. turns out the two of them have been looking for a place for some time without telling me. in theory, that's okay, because i don't want to live with them anymore, anyway. but it would seem to be a courtesy to tell me so that i can be sure i have a place to live by the time they move out. anyway, HM assured me that they had only recently started looking, and they weren't actually moving anytime soon.

did i already write about that? can't remember and no energy to check. but anyway...

today, after not seeing them since thursday night, i get back to the house and HM says, "hey, just so you know, we found a place to live. a little heads-up for you."

uh, okay. i mean, yes i had to move anyway. i am fairly annoyed at them for the non-handling of the situation (i.e., not actually including me in the moving discussion), but i also sense that it isn't a big deal because i wanted to move regardless. but whatever, i am still annoyed.

i actually even talked to C this morning about moving in together (*applause, please*). yes, it wasn't really so bad. he did have a slight moment of "this seems like a loaded question - to me moving in together is a precursor to marriage"... but i tried to reassure him that i was not trying to lead him into any evil trap. he knew i was nervous before i brought it up, and after the conversation, he told me that i shouldn't be nervous to talk to him about anything. well, duh, i know, but sometimes i can't help it!

oh. so the end result of our conversation was that he said he would think about it. the idea of us moving in together apparently hadn't occupied any space in his mind before then, so he said he'd consider it. which is fine, either way it goes is going to work out.

so that conversation with him happened before i got home today and heard that the roommates are moving out. i don't expect to have an answer from him anytime soon, and regardless of what the answer actually is, i know he's not prepared to move out next month. which means i have to find a place on my own anyway.

this is tricky. i think the best thing for me to do is to find a sublet for a short period of time while C purportedly thinks about this moving thing. i am a bit skeptical of how much he's really going to want to think about it - from past experience these things take time. but instead of needing his answer asap in order to move, if i have a sublet, it's really not so imperative. that way, he'll have time to think about it without any pressure of an impending move.

i think that will work. then, when he's made up his mind, i can either look for a more permanent place on my own, or for a place for the two of us. i hope it's not too difficult to find a sublet, though. i just don't know what else to do - i don't really know anyone else with whom i could stay.


moving on to...
my stupid life.
i haven't written about this before, because every time i tried to do so, it kept dragging out into an interminably long story. i'll have to keep it short(er), now.

i have probably mentioned that i'm in a lot of debt. and my life is kind of "on hold" right now, insofar as i have decided to just work for a couple years while i pay off the debt, and then i will decide what i "really want to do."

what i really want to do will most likely involve going back to school for some form of advanced degree(s), but for various and complicated reasons, i've started wavering from my initial goal of getting my ph.d. and doing research forever and ever amen.

well, i talked to my stepfather on father's day. although i really want to give lots of background about him and my relationship with him and so on, i'll refrain, to try to keep it simple. he's a very successful m.d. (my mother also has an m.d.). and he, as do most people i've worked/studied with, thinks i have nearly unlimited potential for "success" (the definition of which is not simple, but is another discussion entirely).

so he offered to pay off all my debt, if i could tell him what i really want to do with my life. if i have a plan, an idea, some place i really want to go with myself, i should do it. he thinks this money is a horrible reason to have my life on hold. to him, the N-thousand dollars of my debt is a piddling amount, while to me, N-thousand dollars is my life.

this offer has been causing me untold amounts of stress this week. when i talked to him, i couldn't stop the tears from coming, because i just didn't know what to say to him. because i do not know what i want to do, anymore.

last night, i got fairly drunk with C. by the time we got home, i couldn't stop talking to him about this dilemma, that i feel that i need to know what i want to do right now, but i don't. and i should, not only because my stepfather would help me, but because i just SHOULD. i'm nearly 27 years old, and time isn't slowing down for me. i want to have a career, to make money, to have a family and be able to support them. and in order to do that, i need to make some decisions. except that i can't.

C was so good to me last night. i couldn't stop crying, i really couldn't. he held me and told me that it's okay to not know right now. which is true, i know, but this conversation with my stepfather has really gotten to me.

today, i was trying to remember some of the more encouraging things he said to me last night. unfortunately, i was pretty trashed then, and the things that stick out in my head are just too funny, because they're not really terribly useful for reminding me how amazing i am. he started listing off things that i'm really good at, and even though the list was not oriented towards these things, the only two i can remember are:

"you're really good at giving massages," and
"you're good...no, really great... at giving head."

i'm sorry. it just cracks me up that these are the things i remember.


i don't really know where i stand right now. i'm confused about what to do with my life, overall. i'm confused about where to live. i'm confused about where C and i are really going. i'm afraid that this moving discussion will be a catalyst for some sort of disintegration of the relationship (which is complete and utter nonsense, but it is how i feel. i'm worried, i can't help it).


i'm developing a bad habit of just sleeping. it's an avoidance tactic. saturday, i slept nearly all day at C's house, and he wasn't even there most of that time. i didn't even really get up and do anything until around 6 pm. today i slept in till about 1:30pm, due to a raging hangover. but when i got back to the house at around 4 and noticed that both HM and RM were here, i went upstairs and forced myself to sleep again, because i didn't want to talk to them.

now, it's 11:30pm, and i have to be up around 6am. of course, i won't be able to sleep. but i have to try, i guess. i feel like crying again, because everything feels wrong. not so wrong as when i was actually, clinically depressed - no, i'm nowhere near that ballpark. but i don't feel comfortable in my life right now. too many things are up in the air.

 

[sehra]

it's good that i'm not angry

wait, but i am.
i'm angry.
and not for any good reason, either, which makes it even worse. i'm just...angry.

i'm angry that instead of talking to my roommates, i pretend like i'm asleep when they're home and will them to leave so i can get up. and i'm angry that they make fun of the fact that i sleep all day.

i'm angry that it's only 8o'clock, because dealing with 4 more hours to this day makes me want to vomit.

i'm angry at all the blonde chicks, all the brunettes, all the frizzy-haired-i'm-me-and-i-don't-care chicks for being confident in themselves. today i look like hell, and it makes me feel like shit. or i feel like shit, and it makes me look like hell. either way. i'm angry that i saw one of those girls at the store today, and was actually giving her an evil stare, when she smiled and held the door open for me. for an instant, just an instant, i relaxed and stopped being such a bitch, smiled and said thank you to her, and felt like a fucking schmuck.

i'm angry that i feel so alone. that on a day like this, i think about calling people and realize that there is nobody i want to call. that nobody wants to call me. nobody emails, nobody thinks of me. wah wah, right? but i do email people. i do call them. most of my communication with people is because i start it, not because anyone thinks to say anything to me. today, all i want is one little sign that i exist to somebody else in the world.

i'm angry that i come here to say this, because there's nowhere else to go. and i'm angry that even though this is all i can see to do, it won't bring me one ounce of comfort to have posted this.

i'm angry that i have no family to speak of, no pets to love me, no place to call home, and nobody to comfort me.

yes, i technically have a family. but i've been living on my own since i was 15, for a reason. it's not the kind of family i can go to and say, "i need help." which is why there was supposed to be a lot of background and context for that post about my stepfather, because i know that now it sounds like i'm talking complete bullshit. i just can't explain it all right now.

yes, i have C, who could comfort me. but not today. today, he's too busy and i'm too worn-out to be understanding. i'm angry that when i should feel loved, i really feel only a sense of affection. i'm very, very angry about that.

so here's a secret for you. i never mention it, because i feel like it diminishes my worth somehow. it makes me feel like i'm a child, fishing for something that's not really there. it makes me feel like somehow, i'm living based on some sort of lie. but the reason i have so many times when i'm doubting what goes on with C is because he won't actually tell me that he loves me. nope, those words don't happen.

and it's all the more difficult because they used to happen. before i moved away, and even while i was gone - every night on the phone, several text messages per day. i love you, i love you, i love you. and then, when it was all over, no more words.

i can't say he's never said it, since we've gotten back together. the last time was on my first day of work at the new job. he woke up with me at 6am, and just before i said goodbye, he said "i love you." so clearly. and gave me a big, loving hug.

but that's all. he's come close, but not said it again. not even the other night, when in my fit of drunken despair, i told him between my sobs: "all i want is to be loved." he's afraid to, i suppose. or he doesn't want to say something untrue, is probably closer to the truth.

once, during one of my visits back from boston, we were having a bad time of it. sitting on his bed, i asked him what he was thinking. and he told me, "i'm thinking about how much i love you." [which could mean a couple things, but i heard what i wanted to hear] and i asked him howcome he didn't just say it.

"it's too hard for me," he answered. at that time, i believe it was. everything was too hard back then.

it bothers me so, so much, that we have what is essentially a loving relationship, but the words are blatantly missing.

so maybe, really, that's all i'm angry about.

 

[sehra]

over it

i apologize for being such a baby. 4 hours actually was too much for me to handle yesterday, so i just went and laid down again around 8:30. was planning on calling C around 11, but he called me just before then, still at work. i went down to visit him and we ended up staying there till after 3am. good thing i was getting so much sleep yesterday, i suppose.

of course, i was 43 minutes late for work this morning and was practically falling asleep while i drove. bad, bad.

i'm going to look at a room tonight, possibly even two. the second one is better - cheaper, already furnished, with a piano (!). it's farther away from work, although when i'm already driving about 30 miles, i don't suppose it makes much difference. the first one might also be okay, if only because it's (the tiniest bit) closer to work and (the tiniest bit) closer to C's. it does also have a private bathroom, and i think it's in a nice condo area. but i think my objective right now is not luxury, it's to have a place to sit for a few months. i guess i'll have to see them to make a decision; the room size and environment also matter a lot.

i'm hoping one of them works out, because i don't want to spend too much time looking. the sooner i get out of the current living situation, the better.

i also thought about getting a room closer to work, but that wouldn't be any fun. i'd be far away from all the people i know, especially (of course) C.

so, so hungry today. forgot to bring my sandwich from home, so it looks like another round of the indispensable maruchan instant lunch cup. i guess i'm glad i only get a short lunch today, because i wasn't planning on spending the night with C. which means that i didn't bring any of my normal bags to work, bags which contain my knitting and french lessons - stuff i usually try to do to take up the lunch break.

yes, knitting! you have to start blankets before it gets cold; they take a long time. and why do i knit, anyway? is it any wonder i have no friends? just kidding. my friends love that i knit, because they get fun stuff from me. here's why i knit:

remember how i have no money? well, nothing was different when christmas-time came last year. and though i couldn't afford to buy anyone presents, i could afford to buy a little yarn, some knitting needles, and an 8-dollar book that taught me how to knit. amazingly enough, my projects turned out pretty damn good (no ugly, bulky green sweaters from me, ok?).

i've kept it up because it's relaxing. once my fingers start going, my mind starts working. i love doing things with my hands. i took a pottery class a couple summers ago, and loved it (though i haven't kept up with it). piano is a given (or is it, did you know i've played for over two decades?). sign language is something i know a little of, but am determined to learn for real. even typing, to some extent, is relaxing for me.

so that's that.

i've kind of hit a brick wall at work. only one project to work on today, and i absolutely cannot spend the whole friggin day working on this one thing. the upside is that since i came in so late, the day is that much shorter. of course, if i don't stay for a full day, i don't get a full day's pay...

i'm sorry that it's taking me a long time to write emails. i'm awfully busy sleeping, you know.

mmm, yeah, lame excuse. okay, i really will try to get on my replies. in fact, no time like the present...

 

[sehra]

bad kitty

whoops. i've accidentally spent the last hour-and-a-half [edit: two-and-a-half hours] looking up rooms online and checking out some new journal posts. i've been slacking a little on the irc front, because there's a new crackdown on personal internet use at work. plus, i have, you know, work to do.

the "better" room that i mentioned yesterday actually turned out to be someplace i really can't live. the house society is too berkeley-esque, and it's on the border of the geh-TOE (read: ghetto). guess that's why it's cheap.

the other room is nice, though expensive for the amount of space available (which isn't much, because the room comes with an enormous office desk that covers 2 of the 3 available walls (the last wall is really just the closet). i really dig the private, attached bathroom aspect of the room, though, and if i had to move tomorrow, i think i'd take the room. the biggest downside, i think, is that i probably wouldn't have internet access - i don't need my own phone line cuz i use the cell phone for everything, and since the room is expensive, i'd rather not pay for phone setup/service i'd need for internet stuff.

but i'm going to try to see a couple others if at all possible. it'd be really nice if i could live someplace that already has a cat or dog, as i can't have one of my own right now, but i love, love, love having pets as company. and even though they wouldn't be mine, i have a pretty good track record of pets liking me.

at first, i wasn't stressed about finding a room. i figured i'd just get someplace short-term, and then look for a more permanent place after a couple months. but now i wonder if i should just pick a place that i know i'd be happy with over time. technically, i think i have the month of july to look - but i really want to get out of my current place.

the other good thing about the room i'm considering is that it only requires 14-days notice, which seems lots more convenient than 30 days; especially if i'm using it as a short-term rental.

so, RM confronted me yesterday about my lack of interest in her or HM over the past couple days (though she contends that it's been going on for a month..huh?). says she doesn't understand what she's done wrong and feels like we're not friends anymore. unfortunately, i had to go to the room-viewing appointment, so i told her we'd talk about it later, and later she wasn't around. so i probably have that to look forward to tonight. at least i'm prepared for it this time around, and i've mellowed out about the whole thing. so i'm not too concerned. really, what it comes down to is that we each need our space. sharing a room with someone for 7 months, even if one works nights and one works days, really takes a toll on a relationship.

i think that was a major problem for me and my ex - sharing a 1-bedroom place for 6 years. well, two different 1-bedroom places, but it was very claustrophobic. he was very clingy and bad about giving me space, and of course there were lots of other fundamental problems with the relationship... but the 1-bedroom living arrangement never helped us out.

i am so hungry, and annoyed that i left both my sandwich and leftover pizza at home, so have to pay for lunch today. i've got more maruchan, but 3 days in a row is pushing it. hm, just realized that all i ate yesterday was a banana, 1 cup o'noodles, and 2 small pieces of pizza. and several small pieces of candy. i am so health-conscious these days.

uh-oh, this post is really degenerating into nothingness. but i don't want to let it go! i want to have something to distract me while i work. better get on with working, though.

 

[sehra]

the heat, my god, the heat!!

i think i am just going to flop over on my desk and pass out.

it is far too hot here. i'm not even sure our a/c is working in the office.

one more hour to go but i feel like running out the door and screaming sometime in the next 10 minutes.

i've drawn a nice stick-figure scenario of it, which i can't share with you without far too much effort on my part. but i bet you can imagine it.

[subject title courtesy of elaine bennis, of course. oh, i'm cracking up just remembering that scene.]

 

[sehra]

today should be a vacation day

first of all, because it's too hot. if i were still in boston, today would be one of those days that i'd play hooky and go hang out at walden pond (that is one thing i do miss).

second, because today, all i want to do is write. today, i want to read stories and to tell my own - not the kind that document my day, but the kind that illuminate my past, hopefully helping someone along the way.

that's how it used to be, and i miss it.

but it's not a vacation day; i have to work. i'll find time, soon, the urge is getting too strong.

in the meantime, the search for a room of my own...

saw a place last night that i really loved. it's two older men, 42 and 56, that i think i would get along with fabulously, based on our meeting yesterday. the house is so adorable, though a little stuck in the 70's, with a gorgeous, large backyard, a garden, a little covered deck to relax on, outside cat... storage space... the room comes with a king-sized bed if i want it (yeah, baby), and there's still room for my desk and nightstand. even has a cable modem, which i can set up for both of us to use. utilities included, laundry in the house... just lovely. only one bathroom, though, which may be a pain - except i lived with two guys and one bathroom in boston, and it worked out okay. so i could probably cope.

the other room i saw last night was in a very upscale neighborhood, slightly cheaper, very nice woman, gorgeous house and yard, etc. but even though the room was oh-so-cute, i liked the place above better. easy decision.

however, i already have appointments for 3 other places tonight. one sounds promising - a house with a puppy and a piano, bathroom shared with only one person, dsl, and in the town where i currently live (which is where i want to stay). advantages of the others i'm to see - one has a guest room (big plus) and private bath, one has a private bath and garage, and so on.

but i can only spend so much time looking. i almost wish i hadn't seen the ads for these other places, because i like the one i saw last night so much. however, i also liked the one i saw the first night a lot, before i realized that there were better places for the same price or cheaper. so i'll look again tonight - 3 days and 7 places is enough for me to chose from, i think. especially since i'm notoriously indecisive - more choices are not necessarily a good thing for me. look at my stupid life, for example - if i didn't have as many choices, if i were only good at or chose a single thing, would i be as aimless as i am now? probably not.

no, i don't really wish i was an idiot savant, or that my life had been planned out and the choice made for me as a child, by someone else, what i would do forever. but wouldn't it be easier? would i be any more unhappy than i am with the inability to choose?

i probably would be unhappier. and that's not the way it is; i grew up in middle-class america, and i shouldn't take it for granted. so that's that.

 

[sehra]

movin' on up

picked a room! the cute one that i liked from the other day, with the two older men. of the rooms i saw last night, the first was with a guy who was waaaay too creepy for my tastes, the second was with a really nice guy but it was a condo and i didn't like the neighborhood, and the third was so deep into the ghetto that i didn't even go see it once i got to the neighborhood. just turned around and went home.

have you noticed that i often live with males? in fact, all my roommates, ever, have been guys, except for the current living situation. i actually have been lucky (or particular) enough to not have (stereo-)typical bachelors as roommates, and it's nice because guys tend to be good about giving you your space, cuz they want their own, too. whereas the girls i lived with were always up in my business. it really got on my nerves after awhile, even though occasionally i enjoyed the social aspect of living with them. occasionally.

most of my good friends throughout my life have been males, anyway. i know a lot of women who say this; i'm not sure why it happens that way for some of us. i'm not sure if it's just skewed a little because i have such a small sample of true friends, or if there really is some connection between different ways of thinking and communicating with men vs. women for me.

well, i'm sure there's a connection, because i'm often lost in the world of women - i don't want to make generalizations, because i don't fit into many of them, and i'm a woman. but i really just get impatient with the way most of my relationships with females end up going. maybe i only get along with the ones who also tend to have more male friends - which is why i end up able to say "i know a lot of women who say this," up above.

despite my hesitation at generalizing about women earlier, i'm going to do so about both women and men here, because i just thought of something. maybe men tend to be drawn towards women simply because they're women (okay, physical attraction?) and of that large group of men talking with women, some eventually become good friends. whereas women tend to be put-off by other women they don't know (again, often based on physical attributes), so there are fewer friendly encounters between strange women.

i don't even know if that's true in my own experience. it was just a thought, probably ridiculous as it is based on super-general gender attributes.

actually, i know it's not true. when i'm hanging out at my favorite pub (or when i used to, as it is now dead and gone), i'd talk to anyone who came around. i'd go there by myself a lot of the time, which astounded many people, but i felt comfortable there and knew tons of people, plus all the bartenders and the security guys. it was a safe place for me to just sit and have a beer with some people around. so the point is, when i was there by myself, i'd strike up a conversation with whomever was sitting next to me - male or female; i didn't really care. i wouldn't say i made any good friends from those conversations, though i did make lots of acquaintances - which has proven to be useful in my other treks downtown. since i often walk around downtown on weekend nights by myself, it's good to know that lots of people recognize me and (in a way) watch out for me.

but i've kind of been light on the downtown scene since i started working. i like to just sleep on the weekends. hmm, that wasn't really the point, though.

yeah, my mostest-favoritest pub to hang out in closed down in may. it was pretty sad, because it was the only place downtown that had the ambience that let me just sit around and be a regular and chat with anyone and everyone. we have a lot of meat-market bars in this town, and i really hate them. i also am not a huge fan of the super-crowded bar. i like the pub atmosphere, for the most part, but it's tough to find. i think some new lounges are cropping up, and i'll probably check those out. or else i'll just stay at home and knit...

oh, incidentally - that bar/pub was where i met C. or did i already say this? i used to hang out there on thursdays, a night he didn't work. till one thurs. he was covering a shift for someone else, and we met each other. soon afterwards, my regular hang-out days shifted to friday...and saturday... and sunday - all days, of course, that he worked.

the best part of hanging out in the bar with him - aside from getting to stay when the bouncers yelled: if you don't WORK here, and you don't SLEEP with someone who works here, GET OUT!!! (and of course everyone would look around to see who got to stay) - the best part of hanging out was sunday nights. that was the only night he worked alone, and when the bar closed, we'd hang out, blast music on the jukebox, drink and dance and just have a really fun time together.

work time.

(oh yeah - i'm very excited about the new place! which was my original, original point)

(oh oh yeah - conversation with RM went well; i explained a lot of things to her that she just didn't get before, and nothing had to come to blows [joke])

 

[sehra]

sustenance

pizza for breakfast
york peppermint patty snack
instant noodle lunch

beer for my dinner
to usher in the week's end
no hangover, please

i'm on a roll this week. a real health kick.

(the first haiku was an accident, by the way. it actually just came out like that, so i had to give it company)

at least i have a job, and money to go along with it. even if said money is carefully budgeted, i can still eat good food, once in awhile.

______
the summer after i graduated from high school, i took some classes at a university up in the northeast (part of the country). i was 17, didn't really have any money of my own, so my mother - who lived in that area - gave me her atm card to use when i needed cash. meanwhile, she went out of town, out of the country, i don't remember where, but she went away. poof, out of contact.

... she gave me some plants to take care of while she was away, too - i don't know if it was the dorm room or my incompetence, but none of them survived. it's made me scared to take care of my own plants ever since then...

one day, not too far into the summer, i ran out of cash. cash was the only way i could get food - as opposed to, say, a meal plan. luckily, i had the magic atm card.

so i traipsed off to the atm machine, used the card, typed in the code. a nice message came up, informing me that the balance for that account was, in fact, negative. in other words, no money for me.

and remember, my mother is nowhere to be found.

i did try looking around for someone to mooch money off of, to no avail. i hadn't met too many people through my classes, and those i had met were commuters, not living in the dorms. or maybe i just couldn't bring myself to ask strangers for a couple bucks. how did i survive?

well, i had a little change. for some time, i got snacks from the vending machine. when i ran out of change, i scrounged around underneath the vending machine and found some more (really, the dorms were pretty empty - nobody noticed me writhing on the floor, sweeping aside dust bunnies to get to the lonely dimes and quarters underneath).

i also donated blood more than once - you'd get free oranges and cookies for that. not that i wouldn't donate blood without the snacky-snacks - i do it when i can (sometimes i'm anemic, and can't), but at that time, food was the motivating factor.

and then, i sat around and chewed on my fingernails for awhile. actually, i can't remember what i did for the rest of the time - i was probably penniless for about a week.

eventually, my mother called to check on me, or to give me her contact information, or for some reason. i felt bad telling her about the money situation, because i don't like talking to her about money, and i don't like asking for it, but i was in a pretty ridiculous position.

some buckaroos were summarily wired over to me, and the crisis was over.
______

so it's not such a bad thing to eat ramen noodles several times a week. at least i've got them to eat. and usually, C and i have pretty good dinners together, whether we cook or go out.

budget your money
don't trust mother's banking skills
starving is a drag

 

[sehra]

ribbon-cutting

attended the grand opening of my boy's new restaurant/lounge last night. of course, i've been there several times, as i've been helping him with the computer setup and other things, and i attended one of the private openings. but last night was the public opening, and was it ever snazzy.

5 other girls and i got spiffed up and headed down there to see how it would be when there were finally people filling the building. we had the absolute most incredible dinner. i kid you not. i love food, and this food was some of the best i've had in a long time. appetizers, entrees, desserts - oh my god, just remembering it all makes me shiver.

drinks during dinner, drinks in the lounge afterwards, till 1:30am... left me feeling not-so-hot when i had to wake up at a quarter-to-seven this morning. we spent a grand total of somewhere around $400 last night, really only split among 4 of us. but i have to say that it was 100% worth it - i've spent my money on much, much worse things. maybe not quite so much money when i didn't have it to spend, but it was a good night, overall.

i thought about leaving work this morning after i got here. i was feeling a tad too queasy to make it through the day, but all was better after a mini heave-ho. and now, unfortunately, i'll be stuck here for the next 6.5 hours. really, though, i can't afford to take a day off, especially after that amazing spending spree last night. back to ramen for lunch, for me.

the past couple weeks i've been helping a little too much with the restaurant opening. we both work best late, late at night, but finishing up at 4am is not really compatible with my real, paying work schedule. i've been left feeling like i have cotton balls for brains for too many consecutive days, now.

my bed (or, my blankets on the floor) is screaming my name out. it's calling to me from 30 miles away, and i hear it loud and clear. tonight, i'm going to sign the lease on the new place (oh shit, just remembered that i didn't bring my checkbook to work with me to leave him the deposit, oops), going to head home, and i am
going.
to.
sleep.

 

[sehra]

creep alert

uh-oh. i'm afraid the guy i decided to move in with might be a bit sketch. i can still change my mind; i'm supposed to sign the lease today, but if i didn't then i'd have to go looking at places again, which i don't want to do.

but what if i end up hacked to pieces and stuffed in a deep freezer?

i gave him a couple friends' names and numbers as personal references, and my manager's number as a work reference. both of my friends got a creepy vibe from him as they spoke with him (i didn't, i just felt like he's a total stoner, but not creepy. just an old, not-super-bright hippie).

then, my manager called me into her office because she had finally spoken with him. she told me that they talked for quite awhile. she's friendly, and oblivious, up to a certain point... that point being when my future landlord/housemate asks her 1) if she could meet in person with him for lunch, and 2) whether or not she's single (no, she's married).

wha??

anyway, manager was concerned enough about it to ask me to think hard about moving in with him. now i'm worried. ugh. but i know he's had other female roommates, and i know they're still alive, so...

also, i know that his girlfriend of some time recently broke up with him. so this probably has a huge effect on his social interactions with women right now. right? right? or should i be more creeped out that he keeps asking me questions about my relationship with C, how serious it is, and so on?

i have been daydreaming about pan-seared scallops all day. my maruchan noodles didn't quite live up to the dream, but that's ok.

got this excerpt from an email just now about last night, which i think sums up the experience:

even though i spent all the money i had till next payday and consumed about 9000 calories, it was totally worth it.

someday, one of us will get rich and we'll go out like that all the time. hell, we'll buy a little greek island and have everyone we love come live there with us, and sit in the sun making baskets when we're hungover instead of this lab shit.

ahhh, yes. can't wait.

 

[sehra]

material gratification

part of being on a tight budget means that i rarely spend money on myself. i do budget for certain things: a gym membership, once-a-month trips to the salon (but waxing is a necessity, not an indulgence), some money for eating nice dinners, and a little bit of spending cash (which usually goes towards drinks at a bar or lunch when i forget to bring it).

but i don't spend money on, say, clothes, or shoes, or cd's, or really anything that's not in my budget. sometimes i forget that i do actually make a living wage, and it's my debt that keeps my extra money so tight. but it's easier not to think about how much money i'd have if those hundreds (and hundreds and hundreds) of dollars that go towards paying off credit cards each month were at my luxurious disposal.

anyway, today i stopped at a sports shop to buy weightlifting gloves. i used to work out very regularly, and it was incredibly good for me (i even have before-and-after pictures that would make your jaw drop - guaranteed). but lately, even though i joined a gym again, i've made any and every excuse not to go.

now that i'm having trouble fitting into my pants, and i feel uncomfortable wearing tank tops because my ass is not perky (there is a correlation there somehow), and i dread a weekend lake trip because i'll have to put on a bathing suit, i've decided i really need to force myself to go to the gym. my new room is only a couple blocks away from the gym, so, yeah, i should go.

the last obstacle that was keeping me from going, and i fully admit it was the lamest possible excuse, but there it was nonetheless - the last obstacle was that i had lost one of my weightlifting gloves when i moved back from boston. i absolutely refused to get into a regular workout routine without them. because my regular routines involve regular weight-lifting, along with lots of aerobic workouts. and i felt like just doing the aerobic stuff wasn't worth it, and then i would end up not going at all. and i kept putting off buying the gloves because i didn't want to spend money on them. yeah, i know, i'd rather spend it on a gourmet dinner and night out with my gal pals - who wouldn't?

so anyway, this afternoon i went to the sports shop, tried on several pairs, hemmed and hawed, and eventually got some. and now that i'm at home, balancing my finances (ocd), i see them sitting there, and i am so happy with them! they are so cute, and they signify my return to fitness (i hope...), and in general they just make me quite satisfied.

i am so easily pleased.

 

[sehra]

feeling loopy

one hour left to work and i'm not sure i can get through the day.
i'm not sure what's happened to me over the past couple weeks; i thought a good, healthy vacation would revive my work ethic, but instead i remembered the casual living of those 6 1/2 months of blissful (though cash-strapped) unemployment.

allright, they weren't blissful. they made me feel horrible, but i also feel horrible for not wanting to work when i have a very good job and for letting the internet get in my way of being productive. usually deadlines help spur me on, but deadlines tomorrow and the rest of the week, plus an ever-growing stack of projects, aren't even doing the trick.

i think i need to travel; that's part of the problem. i daydream about getting the hell out of here; C and i are both reaching the breaking point - not with each other, of course - but with this town, this city, this country, this society in general. we want to run away, only for a little while, we just need our own cozy little tent-covered world for a little bit.

my last trip seems so long ago; i miss you ireland, i miss you berlin, and i miss you, my sweet aussie angel.

i think i need some more purpose; that's part of the problem. i don't feel entirely aimless, but i do feel unfulfilled. not because i haven't had my wild times, or haven't seen the world, or haven't experienced a whole hell of a lot, because i have done all of the above, and probably more, if you ask someone who knows me. my life tends to fascinate other people who don't realize that i'm just living it, it's all the norm, to me. i'm not so blasé about it that i can't see what's interesting to some people, but i'm not very good at pimping my life experiences for other's enjoyment, either, even though i'd like to be. so then when i read things i've written, by god they're boring. but i guess i'm at a boring part in my life.

and to fully contradict all that i just finished writing, i am more content now than i am pretty sure i ever have been before. probably this is what makes me so boring these days.

i'd love to lie down and sleep, i'm so exhausted, i miss C after only 9 hours apart, isn't this sickening? i have much work to do, and i think i feel like doing it now, thank god for purging outlets, even when i have nothing to say.