return to you

[sehra]

i accidentally started a new thread when i meant to update the <a href = "http://www.improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8622">old one</a>.

but now that i think about it, maybe a new thread is in order. for now, the mood is different, as is the purpose. but what happens when i do need to switch back to writing as a defense, instead of writing simply for the release?

haven't decided what to do, yet. i am quite open to your suggestions, though...

 

[sehra]

separation

okay, i'm caving in. i miss writing in a non-themed manner, so i'm going to try to return to just.plain.writing. and i might as well do it here, since here is where i am. i'll (try to) leave the moping and so forth for the <a href = "http://www.improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=8622">place over there</a>.

one thing i do not like about writing, however, is the beginning. in the beginning, i feel like i have to tell you everything-there-is-to-know, so you have the background for everything-that-is-to-come. but that is never any fun. so i hope that what there is to know about me will come out more naturally than it could in a heavy introduction.

my main motivation for doing this, you may as well know, is that i have started a new job. and although i am very lucky to have this new job, and i should be highly motivated and driven to succeed, i am also quite unused to working. this is because i have (essentially) been unemployed since last november - and from may to november of last year, i might as well not have been working anyway, because i was barely capable of surviving each day, much less focusing on work.

where was i? oh - unused to working. however, when i am in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, i am in fact used to web-surfing, pretending to work, and writing on topics that have no relation to my actual, paying job. which leads me here.

of course, this means that i will write when (1) i feel like i actually have something to say, or (2) i am deathly bored at work and having nothing else that i want to be doing, of the two choices, i am sure that the first will be more entertaining. on the other hand, i am trying to pass time at work, not entertain.

what did people do in the office before the internet? i can't imagine anyone working an 8-hour day and actually buckling down and working the entire time. i suppose they took a lot of smoke breaks, or something. to tell you the truth, i feel i am much more productive when i have the chance to take a mind-idling break.

anyway, that's that. i've successfully gotten to the point in the day when i simply have to get ready to leave.

 

[sehra]

well, today has pretty much gone to shit. i was extremely motivated this morning, and excited about doing the work i had to do today, believe it or not. but as of now, i am ready to go, and i still have to be here for an hour and a half.

C called me a little while ago and instructed me to show up at his convention booth this weekend looking pretty and wearing something "tropical and sexy.' i can do that. especially because my toenails are painted red right now, which somehow makes me feel incredibly sexy. maybe because i haven't painted my toenails in at least a year, maybe two.

despite all the errands and personal chores that i have been putting off this week but absolutely, postively must get done tonight, i am considering stopping off and visiting a friend on the way home for a beer. probably shouldn't, since i have distracted myself every other night this week by going out when i should be staying home and getting things done.

just had a surprise meeting at work which remotivated me, conveniently right in time for me to leave for the night - which i am doing right.now.

 

[sehra]

Forgot my subject last time, but not this time

Hello, capital letters. This is very unusual for me, but I felt like trying something new.

Yesterday wasn't so bad. Instead of moping around and sleeping when I got home, I washed my hair, did laundry, and watched the end of 'Ghost Ship'. Not the best movie out there, but it ate up a couple hours of my time. By the time it was over, my roommate had come home, and we went out to dinner.

When she got home, I was lying on the couch in a little gray victoria's secret cotton nightie dress, because it was the only thing I had that was clean and wearable in the hot weather. Since it's very low cut, I got up and put on a little white babydoll t-shirt over it that says "Start your summer right. Trim your bush." [who out there knows where i got this shirt?]. Then, when we decided to go out to dinner, I put on some black stretchy, silky dance pants (as in, I used to use them to practice in when I danced) underneath the skirt, and finished the ensemble with red flip-flops and a(n awesome) black hipster sweater from H&M that has an enormous collar.

I displayed the outfit for my roommate and I told her that I was going out to dinner like that, as I did not feel like getting pretty. She understandably thought I was joking, but I pulled it off. I don't know if my description is doing the outfit justice, but it was really hilarious. I wish I had a picture of it.

I often take great pleasure in wearing silly things out on nights when most of the girls are slutting up to go out to the bars. I will still go downtown and go to the bars, but even when I do dress to impress, it doesn't mean I'm falling out of my clothes or wearing next-to-nothing. It really isn't necessary. One night, back when it was still snowboarding weather, I dressed up in a nice black skirt, black tank top, short black boots, nice makeup - and my bright red Boeri snowboarding helmet. It was a riot. People get incredibly uncomfortable around a girl in a helmet. Except for the guy who came up to me after I took it off and revealed myself to be relatively normal - he said to me, "Wow... when my friends and I came in, we were talking about you. I thought, 'She's retarded, but she's hot... I dunno if that helmet would get in the way.'"

Okay, so this is what I expect from most men I meet when I go out to bars. Don't worry, he didn't hook me with that oh-so-impressive line. I don't go out to meet men anyway. I still thought it was the funniest reaction I got.

Best get some work done. Oh, and I need to remember finishing the story about why yesterday wasn't so bad, and in fact ended up being so good.


P.S. It is very difficult for me to type with capital letters. I have the auto-correct in Word turned off, because I hate it. Not sure I can stick with this, although I'm aware it makes it easier to read for most people (myself not included, as I inexplicably find lowercase letters to be much more aesthetic).

 

[sehra]

Sweet dreams

I am quite in love with the man I'm with, as some of you already know. How we are together today is a long story, which will probably come out sooner or later, but suffice it to say that we are together right now.

The scariest thing about loving him is how happy he makes me. Well, the scariest part is actually the reverse effect, that is, how I am never entirely happy when we're apart. Even spending a night or two away from him makes me subtly irritable (you can imagine what happened to me when we were 3,000 miles apart for 7 months). I don't have any problem with us each being our own person, but at the end of the day, all I want is to have the comfort of his body against mine, his ear listening to my day, and mine to his.

We don't live together, so I don't get this as often as I'd like. Yes, I'm lucky; I get it several times a week - trust me, I've done the long-distance relationship, and I know that my complaints are nothing compared to some of yours.

Yesterday, when I talked to him during work, he was telling me about how busy his day was, and how he's going to be incredibly busy for the next 5 days. Which meant, to me, that I wouldn't get to see him, nor fall asleep with him, for that period of time. So when I got home last night, I forced myself to keep busy, so I wouldn't be distracted by the thought of not being with him.

But just before midnight, he called and wanted me to come over, just to fall asleep. Of course, I obliged (I'm up late normally - was talking to my roommate when he called; don't think he woke me up and I ran over there). And we cuddled and talked, laughed and practiced guitar (which I am learning from him), and fell asleep happy.

The best part about falling asleep happy is that you wake up happy. When we wake up and see each other's faces in the morning, we just smile. He said we should both play hooky today, but not a chance of that. New job and all, you know.

I am a happy girl today.

 

[sehra]

Chatter

My boss left early today. Soon after her departure, the girls I work with huddled up and started office gossiping, mainly about their dissatisfaction with my boss. I am not sure what to think of this. I actually have a lot of respect for my boss; she has basically successfully done what I hope to do - make a transition from academic/industry research to the business side of science.

The girls are all complaining about the assessment form she gives them at the end of the month. I don't see any problem with filling out such a form, unless I have nothing to show for it. This, of course, is coming from someone who as yet has not filled one out, so I don't really know. Some of their complaints stem from the fact that all of them have been here at least 1 year longer than my boss, and they probably don't really like the changes she's trying to implement.

I, on the other hand, completely agree with the changes that she says need to be made. For example... when I started here, there were absolutely no SOP's for anything. It was not difficult for me to learn things, but it did take me a couple days to put all the information being thrown at me into context. Since then, I have been creating my own SOP's, not just for my position, but for everyone who works in my department (a task, assigned by my boss, that they were supposed to have completed before I came on board).

Although I have only been here 3 weeks, I definitely side with my boss' point of view. I am excited about the position I am filling, and I actually want to help her with her goals. I get along very well with the other girls here, and as far as I could tell until now, there is a pretty damn good office dynamic compared to many places I've worked. So I don't know if their kvetching when she's not around is going to make me uncomfortable, although today I was, slightly. Maybe that's because they were huddled far away from me, and every time I walked by, they hushed a little, and then would say to each other that it's better if I don't know all the dirt, that it would be easier for me to work here.

Yuck.

I can see that she (my boss) isn't as hardcore as she could be, but I doubt I'm going to be complaining about that anytime soon. I can't stand to be micromanaged, and she can't stand doing it. Perfect. Maybe I'll see more of her shortcomings in the weeks or months to come, and I'm sure I won't always be happy with everything around here, but I just don't like office gossip.

 

[sehra]

saturday funk

today is a really irritating day. i'm more than bored, but slightly less than depressed. i don't have the motivation to get anything done, even though i'm sitting at my desk staring at all the things i have to do. i get online to pay bills, and end up reading journals, feeling depressed, getting off the computer and remembering that i have bills to pay online after i walk around the house with nothing to do.

the only reason i left the house this morning is that my roommate (with whom i literally share a room - think college dorm, except she has a bed and i sleep on the floor) has been getting on my nerves so much the past couple months. she says good morning to me, and i feel murderous. i don't want to have to say good morning to her, or to anybody else. i hate that she asks me every weekend, "what are you doing today?" i've taken to saying "stuff" to her, and she gets snitty when i say that, but it bothers me that she asks. anyway, this morning i woke up before she did, and i was feeling like it was a lazy day. feeling that way, that is, until she woke up, opened her mouth and started talking to me. suddenly, i couldn't get my things together fast enough for the errands i had to run today. i left the house without even changing the shirt i slept in, and stayed away until she was gone.

now i'm in the house alone (i do have another housemate, but she's at work), and i can't think what to do with myself. i watched 'purple rain', started laundry, paid some bills, and feel like tearing my hair out right now. i wish i had a piano here. i wish i could hang out with C, but i don't want to call him right now. i am obsessed with my finances and the fact that i have no money. i'm frustrated that i am living here, but i'm hesitant to look for another place, because i'm thinking about seeing how C would take the idea of moving in together. except that i don't want to ask him, because i'm afraid it will freak him out. but i need to get out of here.

i don't want to take a shower, i don't want to visit housemate at the bar where she works, i don't have my favorite bar to hang out at anymore, and i don't have any friends to call. except for the one i flaked on last night who asked me out to her local bar. i was just too exhausted after the week at work. i had a massive headache, i ate taco bell, which made me feel like shit, and later i accidentally threw it all up because i was laughing so hard at something housemate said. plus, she lives about 35 minutes away, and i wasn't up for either the drive there or the drive home after drinking.

so i didn't go out with her. in my slight defense, i did tell her earlier in the evening that i might not feel up to going. but i know she was looking forward to hanging out.

well, being in a funk doesn't make for exciting reading, but at least i am doing something by sitting here and typing. i even missed the library hours and mostly what i want to do is curl up with a good book. but i've read everything in this house and my books are all packed away in boxes. i did some old crossword puzzles, glanced at the violin i never touch anymore, thought about studying my french, and ended up remembering that i have bills to pay online - which is how i ended up getting back on the computer and writing this entry. my cell phone bill may likely never get paid.

unless i go do it right now. but instead i think i'll go lie down and try to nap this all away.

 

[sehra]

clouds in my head

i currently feel like i have cotton balls for eyes and brains. i am utterly exhausted, and for no good reason.

although i have enough work to keep me busy for a week or two, i can't concentrate on it right now. i don't even have a lot to write about, but it's the only thing i can do to keep awake at this point.

this weekend was relatively uneventful. after my meltdown saturday afternoon, i cheered myself up a bit by watching hockey. no matter what sport i'm watching, i almost always root for the underdog (unless i have a favorite playing in the game - and even then, i always feel bad for the team that loses. i'm such a sucker. one time, when C and i were at a hockey game and i was feeling sad for the team we had just beaten, he said to me, "There's no crying in hockey!!" [as a quote from a movie, who knows which one?]). anyway, i've been rooting for the Mighty Ducks most of the way through the playoffs, because they've been pulling off some pretty incredible stuff. even if they do have a stupid name.

so, hockey was a help. at the end of the game, i called C, and was feeling down when he didn't answer his phone, because i was supposed to see him that night. two hours later, after i was sucked into watching 'The Time Machine' - a lousy movie - my housemate came home. she convinced me to go out to pizza and beer, which i did not feel like doing at all, since i felt headachy and tired just as i had friday night. but i went, and we had a good time. i also noticed that C had called me back a half-hour after i had called him, but my phone hadn't rung, nor had it told me that i had a voicemail message. sometimes i hate my phone. there are a lot of glitches with it - anyone else have one of these motorolas...i think it's the 720? C and i both have it, and we have so many problems with the software on the phone, it's ridiculous. i realize the service provider plays a role in my overall phone satisfaction, but the problems that occur normally have nothing to do with service (although admittedly, the voicemail issue on sat. night may have).

i immediately called C and made sure we were still on for the night, which we were. i ordered him a small pizza, went home and showered, since i hadn't until then gotten the impetus to do so, and went off to his house. had a good night there, and a good day sunday, when i went down to see his booth at the convention center. he and a friend are starting a new business selling functional works of art (his friend does metal sculptures, and they are amazing). anyway, even though i think i should be safe showing off their product, i'm not going to until i'm sure it's okay. you'll probably see it soon. the booth did really well; this was their first tradeshow and they made some significant sales and contacts, which will help them out a lot.

i'm sorry if it's terribly boring for you to read what seems like a grade-school essay on 'what i did this weekend'. but for one thing, facts and situations are easier to write about while i'm at work. for another, i want to remember these little bits about myself. and for yet another, i actually enjoy reading this kind of stuff when other people write it. i primarily enjoy reading journals for the glimpse i get into somebody else's life - and for the writing styles that i encounter. but mostly i crave that window that lets me see the details of other's lives, even when they are mundane. anyway, that's mostly the kind of information i'll have in here - things about me, me, and me. when i want to talk politics, i'll usually just do it with people i know in person; i'll rarely rant about it in a journal. i suppose it means you'll not get the full picture of who i am, since i leave some parts out - maybe i should try not to do that.

i keep looking forward to writing at home, because there are thoughts and stories that come up that i feel the need to write about - but i can't do it at work. and when i'm home, i'm often too exhausted or overcome by other errands to sit down and do it.

i used to write very regularly in another online journal. some years prior to that, i was severly addicted to the internet - playing online games, talking on irc, chat rooms, talkers - any place i could find 'human' contact online, i was doing it, to the complete exclusion of everything else. that included school, and even ROTC, which was giving me scholarship money to go to school. point is, i don't feel that dependence on the internet anymore. sometimes when i sit down at the computer, i can't wait to get off it - even if i do want to post something. the catch-22 is that the writing and posting in an online journal is usually what calms me down - but i'm often too fidgety and irritable to sit down and get the thoughts out, so then i walk around with thoughts churning and agitation making me miserable. a silly cycle, huh?

anyway, i need to get back to work. i've had a shitload dumped on me today, and even though i feel capable of doing it all, i don't really feel capable of doing it all in the time period (2 days) given. actually, 2 days is probably enough time, if i worked on it at home and in most of my free time as well. but i feel as if i shouldn't have to work at home - this is an hourly job. at the same time, though, i need to prove to my boss that i can do the job i've been hired to do - which i can. she's just freaking out because of her numbers (or lack thereof) from last month, and suddenly has a million ideas and projects that she thinks will get them boosted - and all such projects need to get started <u>now</u>, in her mind. oh well. better get to it. going to email some files so i can work at home, i suppose.

 

[sehra]

false hopes

man, it's a bummer when you send yourself files via e-mail and then get excited when you see that you have new mail - only to find that it's the file you just sent yourself, doofus.

i guess if i got more personal email, i wouldn't get so excited about my personal box showing new messages. poor me.

 

[sehra]

okay

it just so happens that i have a constant desire to write in this journal, yet i find myself with no time to do it. and then, when i want to comment on one little thing, it is pointless without the background as context. it's frustrating. i am constantly thinking of stories to tell, ideas to write about - especially during my commute, when it is impossible to even really jot ideas down - and then i feel as though i've already put them into text. which makes me ready to elaborate on them - not think through them again - when i *do* have time to sit down and write.

so, even though i am incredibly busy at work, i am going to find some time to write today.

although i've got a lot of the past on my mind, it's probably more useful to start with my current situation. the current situation makes much more sense in light of the recent past, but i'll deal with this circle of cause-and-effect as it comes.

who am i and what am i doing - right now? and why do i bother writing, and who would care anyway? one question at a time, i suppose...

to be completely honest, i think my primary defining quality at this point in my life is that i am a woman utterly and undeniably in love. saying one is "in love" is, unfortunately, a clichéd concept. for example, i thought i was in love with my ex, but i was sadly mistaken. being in love has made me truly understand what love is (another token phrase), and it helps me think through a lot of why i've turned into the person i am today. more on this later, trust me.

<i>so she's in love. big whoop, everyone has a story about love.</i>
okay, fair enough. i'm not proposing that my story is profound, or more interesting than others, but it doesn't matter. not to dismiss it as trivial, for it isn't; it is an incredibly significant personal matter, and that's really what counts.

back to the basic details, in brief. what am i doing right now?
i recently drove/moved across the country (that being the us, sorry to those in other countries for the implied presumption, it's just easier to write these sorts of things relative to me and where i am, so i won't make any more disclaimers), from the east coast to the west coast. actually, it wasn't so recent, it was back in november... but it's only recently that i've gotten back on my feet and become a fairly functional member of society again.

moving across the country is not cheap, no matter how economical you are. and that move was actually the second cross country move i'd done in the space of 8 months. not cheap at all. i'm a pretty poor college graduate, and i had a secure job out on the east coast. i knew tons of people out there, had some family relatively nearby, loved the city and basically, my future looked bright. except that i was desperately, intensely miserable out there.

the reasons for moving back are complicated, yet simple. mostly it was to be near the one i loved again. not to be together with him, because by the time i moved, we were through, though we hadn't admitted it. just to be near him, to be with some true friends, and to recover from the only decision i have ever regretted in my life. if i hadn't moved, i -- can't even voice what i think would have happened to me. if i were still alive, i'd be a vacant, numb shell.

i was lucky to have a true friend in the city i moved back to. she offered me a place to stay, rent-free, until i could get back on my feet. i feel truly privileged to know someone like this - the only person in my life who would, or could, extend this life-saving offer to me. for about a month and a half, i lay on her floor (where i slept) every day, staring numbly at the ceiling, at the cat, at whoever or whatever was before my eyes.

one day, i finally realized that i had no money, no unemployment benefits (having moved out of the state where i worked, and with no claim to residency there anyway), and a pile of debt that soared well into 5 figures. so i set out looking for any job i could find. turns out i ended up in the restaurant industry, which i enjoyed at first, simply because it was something new and i had some sort of purpose in life again. even if that purpose was only to wake up, go to the restaurant, and come back home to sleep. at least i made damn good money in tips, and i was leaving the house fairly regularly.

unfortunately, i got kind of trapped in that job. i stayed there for 5 months - several months longer than i'd planned. it was just so easy, and i was making enough money to pay my bills (though not enough to pay rent; don't get me wrong - i'd give a little money when i could spare it to my roommate, and pay utilities). but i started getting depressed again, and began hating every minute i spent there. other personal issues didn't help the situation, and there were things going on with C at the time, which weighed heavily on me.

fast forward to today, when i am sitting at my desk in a new position, in an industry i actually want to be in, and one for which my education and past experiences have prepared me. it doesn't pay so hot, but it does pay, so who am i to complain? i've been here for just over 3 weeks now, and i'm just starting to get back on track again. i finally have a regular salary (by regular, i mean consistent), and that in and of itself is helping my mental state enormously.
______

for now, i'll have to leave it at that. even though my boss has left for the day, there is quite a bit i need to get done before i leave - and even still, i'm sure i'll have work to do at home.

more soon.

 

[sehra]

hot spot

oops, i just started reading the hot spot thread in the off-topics forum. since at the beginning it said no songs could be repeated, i started going through, page-by-page. i never looked at the date it was started, but i finally clued in and clicked over to the last page... number 112. at least i was only on page 6 when i realized i couldn't go through and see every single song. hope the one i added wasn't already in there somewhere, though.
______

i'm super antsy today. nobody is online for me to talk to, and i haven't heard from anyone who normally sends me messages or emails. helllooooo, world.

sometimes i wonder if it would have helped me at all to write when i first moved back out here. it definitely did before i moved back - that pain was more than i could handle alone, and i was all alone. but once i returned, computer access was sporadic at best, and it was much more of an effort than i was willing to make.

but if i write about it now, is there really a point? for me, personally, i think there is, if only for the record, the memories. but it's not as cathartic as it could have been. and probably not as interesting for those who feed off live drama.

i should bite my tongue. just because things are relatively okay now doesn't mean i won't need this outlet later. and things can't be relatively okay anyway when i still have nights where i lie awake crying. better to try to figure things out.
______

this day is going so fast, it's unbelievable! i'm thankful, too, since i was up so late last night doing work. ugh...i am really bored at work, though, so i should probably stop writing now. although it isn't as if i could get any more boring.

 

[sehra]

girl maintenance

inane post ahead, just so you know.

i just got out of the shower, and i'd really like to go to bed except that i washed my hair tonight. i have long, curly/wavy, thick hair, and the best way to keep it manageable and looking decent (okay, good) is the following regimine:

<bl><li>shampoo/rinse hair, put in conditioner, finish rest of shower incidentals</li>
<li>rinse out conditioner while combing hair</li>
<li>put in leave-in conditioner, comb through hair</li>
<li>get out of shower, wrap towel around hair, sit around with turban for awhile</li>
<li>maybe add some gel, scrunch up hair - if so, wrap hair back up in turban for a couple minutes</li>
<li>go to bed, lying on my back, with my hair spread out beneath my head so it has enough surface area to dry overnight</li>

yeah. stupid post. but the point is that my hair is somewhat of a pain to take care of. trust me, i've been fooling around with it for two decades, and this is the best balance between efficiency and effectiveness. oh, and keeping it long, because that's how i like it.

i went to my aesthetician today to get my eyebrows waxed. the last time i was there, 3 weeks ago, she told me i had to return there pronto because my eyebrows were "unacceptable" - i had gone in for underarms. but i didn't have enough money to return, and then i didn't have time, and so on. i miss having money for that stuff. sure, i'd do it myself, but it's impossible. i have thick, pretty coarse hair, and the wax from the store does absolutely nothing. it might help if someone else did it for me, but i wouldn't know. so i pay for it. i used to regularly go in for eyebrows, underarm and bikini. i'm lucky, as my genetics have blessed me with virtually no hair on my legs, so that's not a big deal. but the curse is my underarms, as the hair i have there used to be so coarse and it grew in so many directions that it was literally torture for me to shave. even waxing was a huge challenge at first, since they had to take tens of sections to get all the hair that grew every which-way. but after multiple years of waxing only, no shaving, i'm happy to say that the hair is now much finer and lighter, and it even grows in only one or two directions.

anyway, since i moved back, i haven't been able to afford the luxury of the triple wax. even in boston, i would only do the bikini for my trips back to the west coast. and oh my god, that woman was thorough. in fact, i essentially was getting a brazilian, as she did all the most painful parts. she just left me a nice little trim, which she always made much smaller than i'd asked her to. she was a little overzealous. but very efficient - i was often in and out in 20 minutes, with all three areas done.

i don't see myself as a girly girl, which may sound strange, given all that i've just divulged. i don't get manicures; i rarely get my hair cut (as in, maaaybe twice a year); i've never had a facial. yet i still have to visit the salon once a month for the underarms (it should really be more often, but i don't care *that* much - only when i need to wear sleeveless things in the summer is it necessary to maintain a regular schedule). and while i'm there, i figure i might as well do the eyebrows, since my tweezing invariably trails off into ineffectiveness.

i was starting to go on that "why do we put ourselves through this?" jag, but i don't really feel like it's an inconvenience. i do the eyebrows for me - it makes my face look much brighter and more open. i don't often wear makeup, and clean eyebrows make a huge difference. i do the underarms because after once lapsing on the waxing and starting to shave again, and suffering some of the worst pain i've inflicted on myself in my life, i swore i would never go back to shaving. i'd get rid of the hair permanently if i could afford it. i do the bikini (when i have the money), because, well, it just feels so damn good. and it stays that way for awhile. lately i've had to shave the bikini line, which is okay, but a lot of upkeep. blech. i hate girl maintenance - waxing gives me a lot of time to forget about that stuff.

wow, who knew i could babble for so long about such crap?

was going to wait up for C to call, but i'm tired. a result of the beer i consumed with dinner. he was supposed to get some good news from his business partner tonight, and was going to let me know what was up. i suspect that if it really was good news, he probably went out drinking, so i'm gonna go crash; i'll hear about it tomorrow.

so, i think that about covers my turban time. what i was really intending to write about tonight was a conversation i had with my sister about a certain aspect of our childhood (chores, re: the bitch), but i think i'll leave that for tomorrow. my neck is starting to hurt; time to take off the towel and go to sleeps.

 

[sehra]

phones and books

i am quite proud of myself, because i walked into work today, sat down and immediately started making phone calls. that's a major part of my job, but i haven't been trained for it at all. i finally decided that i couldn't wait anymore for the training, because it looked like nobody knew what to tell me anyway. and i've been successful. i should really do it for about another hour or so, but the other work i'm supposed to focus on will take several hours to get done, based on my experience the past couple days.

anyway, i feel accomplished at my job, and it's great.

by the way, sorry about that post last night. i think that i have driven everyone away with my drivel. that's kind of a bummer, because even the couple messages i got were fun; it's still nice to know that people are out there.

yesterday, my manager was talking about her niece's favorite subjects in school. it came out that my manager emphatically abhors reading. <i>reading!!</i> she doesn't mind writing, but won't read if it can be helped.

i really can't understand this. my mother always encouraged reading, to the point where i was addicted to it. i'd get in trouble for it, though that was mostly from my stepmother. if it was 'lights out', i'd read by the light in the hallway that found its way into my room. i'd go to bed early so i could lie there and read. just to get away from my stepmother, i'd lock myself in the bathroom and...read. when i was 12, i was reading 'the brothers karamazov' (i started reading when i was 3 and had pretty much outgrown children's literature by then). my stepmother scoffed at me and asked me to read something out loud to her, because she thought i was putting on a show. no, it was a book my mother had given to me; i enjoyed it. i was on a dostoevsky kick then. so i read it out loud. then she scoffed some more, and asked me to explain what i'd just read to her. i did, clearly, and she got pissed and huffed away.

once, in 4th grade - i was about 8 years old - i brought in that scholastic book form (remember those?) filled out with the books my parents had approved on it, and a check to go along. i'd argued with my mom (or dad?) that there was just one more book i wanted. they probably couldn't afford it, but i didn't understand that back then. so at school, i just checked the box next to that extra book i wanted, changed the total amount written in the box on the check, and handed it in. i didn't know anything about checks back then! so obviously, i got caught, because the written dollar amount did not add up to the obviously altered numeric amount on the check. yeah, i got in a lot of trouble for that. i just didn't understand money back then.

actually, when i was about 15, i happened to be going through one of my dad's filing cabinets, and i found a folder with my name on it. i couldn't help it; i had to look inside. there i found lots of documents - report cards, letters from the school, standardized test scores, and so on. and then i found a letter and some documents relating to that check that i had altered 7 years previously, when i was EIGHT years old. that really bothered me. it felt like he was never going to let me forget this mistake i had made when i was a little child. sure, i got taught a lesson when i was eight; i knew i was being dishonest, and i learned a lesson from it. what's the need for the documentation? i just hate that. it probably doesn't make sense to anyone else why that is so offensive to me, but it is just another bizarre incident to add to all the other sneaky, weird, manipulative things my father/stepmother have done. because that's how they are, i forgot to say, even though this isn't a very good example of it. the point was - i was even willing to get in trouble to be able to read.

it wasn't until i was living with my dad/stempom that i lived close enough to get to a library on my own (as that was the only way to get there). i always checked out tons of books from school, but in the summer - the library was a haven. i loved it. and my stepmom never bought me books like my mother did. ok, i'm lying. once she got me a subscription to the harlequin romance novels. i read them, feeling guilty, because my mother encouraged a love of <i>literature</i>, not trash. after the first few, i stopped - i had better stories to spend my time on.

god, remember reading when you were a kid? i always read voraciously, but now that i think back on it, it was probably to escape my everyday life - a thought that has never occurred to me before. well, at least it was something i loved, and something not too harmful (although my eyes *are* awful, not helped by reading so often in the dark, i'm sure).

hmm. i just went back to look at my old online journal (posted elsewhere, not the other one i have here), and i got caught up in reading things about how i felt before i moved back to california. it made me quite sad. i feel like i wish i could put all that information into this journal - for one thing, it would make a lot better reading. tortured souls always seem to have so much more to say. but for another, i honestly think that there's someone out there who could benefit from the things i thought and learned from that time in my life.

i don't know. i think it would help people who are new to me understand a lot more than i could ever refer back to in this journal, because i can't bring back those feelings again. but i also don't think there's anyone out there reading this who could even know that i had anything interesting to say, because i'm so superficial in my writing lately. a bad time to start something new.

anyway, off to work for now. i was trying to find the name of a book i wanted to talk about, but i'm off the book topic. i just really depressed myself, thinking about all those hard times, and if i'm going to write about it, it has to be in another post. and after i get some more work done.

 

[sehra]

why am i awake?

i am not a morning person. many people fall into this category, but i would just like to stress again that i am not a morning person. if i could work a night shift, i would be much more productive. my brain wakes up around 3pm, and then again around 3am. research worked well for me, because it wasn't a 9 to 5 job (although my last lab tried to make it into one). but with research, your work time is planned around your experiments. so i could come in late, stay late, take 3 hour lunch breaks (if there was a 3 hour incubation time for an experiment, say), and basically do whatever i wanted as long as the work got done. sometimes i miss that, like this morning; more often i don't.

anyway, i am especially not a morning person on a monday, even less so after spending the previous night making cookies with my honey, drinking red wine, and testing out his sister's new hot tub. that kind of night is the kind that demands you sleep in the next morning. which i did, but these days "sleeping in" means i wake up at 7:15 instead of 6:30. it's a cruel, cruel world. i finally get a good job, and i have to suffer mornings for it.

have i mentioned that i'm in love with a great guy? i had the best weekend with him, just hanging out, cooking, working (on our respective work) side by side. i am so complete and comfortable when we are together. i hate that the rest of the week i go home to my apartment and see my roommates, who don't make me feel that way.

let's see, how about some C-and-me history, hmm?

C and i met, of all places, at a bar. yup. but i wasn't there to meet a guy; i was there waiting for a friend, and he was the bartender. he asked me for my id, even though i had already had to show it at the door, and later confessed that he did that solely so he could find out my name. funny boy, he could have just asked.

when we first met, our relationship was not supposed to be much of anything. we were physically attracted to each other and had fun hanging out - but neither one of us was looking for more. i had recently broken up with my live-in boyfriend of 6 years, and he was on a 2-year hiatus from dating because of some particularly nasty experience(s) with women. and besides, we met in april -- in june i was going away to boston for 3 months, and he was going on a european vacation in july for 2 months (with, i might add, a friend who happened to be a girl). so there was no point in getting too attached.

so i went off to boston, and he went off to europe, and though we kept in touch, we weren't expecting anything else from each other. in october, we started hanging out again; going camping, hiking, snowboarding when the season came around. and we found that we really clicked. in january, i realized that i had fallen for him (yes, this was 8 months after we met - i'm careful about these things, okay? having learned from experience, i should say), and in february, we went into a honeymoon phase, you know what i'm talking about? as if we'd just found each other all over again; we were happy, giddy, in love.

and then, because i hadn't learned enough to be an emotional grown-up, i ran away from it all. he would talk about marriage, having kids, and i thought i wanted it, but when i thought more about it, i panicked. i wasn't sure he was right for all *that*. he'd walk into the bedroom scratching his balls, and i'd think "he can't be the father of my kids!" okay, so i would overreact to things. it was a fault i'd cultivated to an art with my previous boyfriend. the point is, i'd gotten a job offer in boston, and i took it.

it made sense at the time, actually. it was a research job at a prestigious university that would help me (a lot) with my plans for graduate/medical school. i'd done enough in my university years that i had somewhat of an advantage already - which is how i got this job offer - but it was another big 'in' for me. and since my only main goal while i was in school was to continue going to school - i.e., get a ph.d - this job fit me perfectly. i'd been in boston the previous summer; i had a lot of connections out there; i had lots of friends out there, and hey, my family was even kind of nearby - not that i'm close to them, but it was a factor.

so in late february, i told C that i was moving back east. i knew he wouldn't go with me; if he did move it was going to be to the pacific northwest, not to the east coast. but neither of us were ready to break up, so we thought we'd try to keep it going. i was only supposed to work out there for a year, after all, and then i'd apply to grad schools and we'd figure it out from there.

i packed up, he hopped in the car with me, and we drove out to boston. then he got on a plane and went back home - the beginning and the beginning of the end of my time in boston.

i guess that's all i feel like saying about that for now. i'll save the dirty stuff for later, when i can concentrate on it, i think.
_____

i'm so hungry, and i didn't bring my lunch today. i should expect this on mondays, as every monday (or tuesday, since i've had 2 mondays off already) i've commuted to work from C's house, where i don't have stuff to make a lunch. but i've spent so much money eating out the past couple weeks, i really can't afford to do it today. looks like a taco bell day. boy oh boy.

 

[sehra]

mad at work

i am so frustrated right now i could cry. and this is not like me, for your information. i have four marketing presentations that need to be done by tomorrow, and i haven't got anything done on any of them. and it's 4:49pm.

in school, i could handle any deadline. i would be stressed out, but i knew what i had to do, and i got it done. even in my research jobs, i would get stressed, but i had concrete goals that i could accomplish, even if i had to stay up all night to do so. i can write publication quality papers, give stunning presentations, make obtuse scientific information accessible to grade school kids; i can do it all!

so why am i sitting here immobilized, upset about my current job? i'm not really sure. part of it is that i haven't been trained at anything in this job. i don't need to be handheld, but everything i know about this company and how to do my job, i've picked up on my own. i'm writing the SOP's for my position, and for everyone else's. my manager wasn't even in town for my first two weeks of work.

so that's all good and well; i'm motivated and a self-starter, but i can only pick up on so much. i learned 45 minutes ago that there is a useful electronic collection of information that everyone else knows of, but didn't think to tell me about. i've stumbled across filing cabinets and binders full of information i should have had, but nobody thought to tell me where it was. if i don't *know* these things exist, i can't think to ask for them.

i know another part of it is that this is not work i can easily do at home. i *could* do it at home, but not completely, and if i forget any tiny piece of information here at work, i'm screwed for doing it at home. that means i'm under pressure to get it done here at my desk, which itself is a problem because i'm hourly and technically not supposed to work overtime, and my manager never explicitly said it was okay to do so (though she said it was fine to do my work at home - gosh golly gee, thanks, boss!).

and if i can't do this work at home, i have to do it right now. but i'm supposed to be off the clock in 10 minutes, and the manager just changed the entire focus of everything the group is doing about 45 minutes ago. which essentially means i had to start all over, with 1 hour left to the work day.

okay, so i could stay and work, and pretend like she said it was okay to work overtime. but did i mention that i'm tired and brain-dead today? all i want to do is to go see C, get a big hug and smile from him, and have a couple beers. hell, if i could do that and then come *back* to work, i'd gladly do it. that's how my research jobs always were - a nice healthy break when i needed it, and back to work - sometimes even in the middle of the night.

the other problem with doing it at home is that i've said for the past week that i'd do some work at home, and i haven't really done it. on the other hand, i didn't have a deadline hanging over my head all those times.

and finally, game 7 of the stanley cup finals is on in 7 minutes, and i was supposed to meet C when i got off work at a bar somewhere where we could watch it and celebrate the whole event. soooo, what do i do?

i think my only real option is to gather up all my documents, make sure i've emailed/stored all the files i could possibly need from work to myself, and go relax for a couple hours. then, when i'm properly remotivated, i'll do the research/work at home. and if there's info i need that i left at work, screw it. i'll deal with it in the morning.

i hope C doesn't flake on me tonight.

 

[sehra]

it's morning again?

well, i have put myself into a nice position. fell asleep last night after finishing only one of the four projects i should have done right now. came into work early this morning, only to realize that i had mounds of things to catch up on from last friday that i didn't do yesterday. i've only just now finished that, so i'm not early at all in trying to work on the rest of the projects.

at least i got some good sleep. although i had some incredibly disturbing dreams last night... something about one of my housemates chopping her father up and keeping the pieces on her bedroom floor. it wasn't scary, it was simply an event that happened. i think he was very sick or something, and therefore she had to chop off his head, his nose, and his legs. there was more, but i have to spend more time thinking about calcitonin gene-related peptide than my dreams last night right now.

 

[sehra]

slowly but surely

i am so happy! C just called to ask me out to a dinner tonight. i know this sounds like it deserves an <i>"and...??"</i> response, but that's because i haven't painted you the full picture of our relationship yet.

suffice it to say that it's a big change for him to plan an event (or be going to an already-planned event, in this case), and think to ask me in advance to go with him. yeah, it sounds like he's a real dud, if he hasn't regularly done that in the two years we've known each other. but it's not that he never asks me to do things - for a long time we were hanging out together every.single.day, so we did stuff kind of by default.

okay, that didn't suffice, because i have more to say.

he also worked as a bartender at my favorite (now defunct) bar, where i would hang out most weekends. and since i was there, i'd often just go home with him after the bar closed. related to the whole bartending job, he also would often sleep in past noon, which meant that if i got to talk to him after one of his shifts, it was usually well into the evening, and he usually didn't feel like doing anything anyway.

hmm, plus, during snowboarding season, we pretty much spent all our time together, too. making day trips up to tahoe whenever we could, or staying for as much of the week as we could afford (we usually had free places to stay - i mean afford as in time spent away from home doing things we ought to have been doing). so as long as there was snow in the sierras, i could count on hanging out with him, because we'd be sure to head to the mountains.

so we never had a normal dating relationship, where we'd spend time apart, and then call each other to go out on a "date", and then we'd go away and pine for each other until the next time we spoke. unless you count the very, very beginning, when that sort of thing happened, except our "dates" usually happened at 3am, after he was off work, and they were really just booty calls.

the booty calls ended when we each took our respective summer trips, which i mentioned somewhere previously. and when we started seeing each other again, it was snowboarding season again - back to spending copious amounts of time together. when snowboarding season ended, i left for boston, and that's where there's a big gray spot in my storytelling chronology.

anyway, to get to where he and i are today requires me to talk about boston and my first several months back on the west coast, which i don't have time for right now. but as a hint, we have really only been this happy (the happiness that you see me constantly referring to re: C) since mid-March, when we started dating again. so it's fairly new, and that's why i talk about it a lot - it's a big change from previous times, and i'm learning how good this all can be.

and i think he is too, which is what is so great. i know he's being cautious and taking it slow, and i'm not pushing him, because i finally learned how to chill out and let him figure out what he wants.

so some people probably want to kick me since i'm always talking about how happy my boy makes me, and how the relationship is good and yadda yadda. but if it helps explain why i do it, it's because this is a new thing. it's the honeymoon phase again. and yeah, i'm giddy. besides, i went through hell and back (yup, hell x 2 - in fact, make that hell[squared]) to get to where i am now, and to be able to have this relationship working out the way it is. i deserve it, and there are no apologies for choosing to write about what's good right now.

besides that, i promise there will be times when things aren't working out, and i will write then, too, and you can get some satisfaction from that. okay? but knock on wood, i hope i never go back to the state i was in a year ago, even if things don't work out this time.

more details later. for now, back to angiotensins I & II.

oh, but i hope he doesn't forget that he invited me. he's supposed to call me late, late, later tonight to give me the details on dinner (it's a big family thing for his nephew's 8th grade graduation, aww). and it would be quite ironic if, after i took the time to write all this, he flakes on me.

 

[sehra]

game 7

by the way, last night was really good even though i was so stressed out when i left work. C and i decided not to go to a bar because we were both so tired from our day, and we hung out at his house instead to watch the game and drink beer and snuggle. then i had to go home to do work.

those couple hours spent with him completely decompressed me. i want that all the time. on the other hand, it also helped that i had a long venting session during my commute home with a friend i had called.

i've learned not to make C my sole support system, because it doesn't work. he feels too much pressure, and i don't get the comfort i want when he starts backing off. i still tell him things that are bothering me, but if i've already written about it, or talked to someone who understands the specifics (e.g., if my PCR doesn't work, i'll call my friend who works in the lab and understands that particular frustration), then by the time i talk to him, i can tell him in broad terms what's going on with me and why i'm upset. and my level of upset-ness is lower to begin with, that way, and he's much more able to make me feel better about it. i kind of disperse the small incidents so that when there's something big and he's the only one i can go to, he'll listen without thinking "again??"

bleh. today is another long day. but i have successfully completed two full projects, and i'm working on the third. the fourth has been deferred to next week, so if i just focus here for the next hour or so...

 

[sehra]

and again...

i sincerely hate this morning. i am in an incredibly foul, depressive mood. i had to stay at work late yesterday, which - along with horrific traffic - made me an hour late for dinner, which was at a restaurant where nobody can be seated until the whole party is there. i repeatedly told C not to wait for me, but it turned out that a couple other people were late as well, and it wasn't actually a big deal. so dinner was nice, except that they forgot to cook my lobster (i didn't receive it at all, not as though i got a plate of raw lobster); afterwards C had to drive some people home, so i just went home and collapsed on the couch.

6 hours later, i dragged myself up to the bedroom and collapsed again on the floor (aka my bed) and woke up this morning at 6:30. and again at 6:45, 7:00 and 7:15. i got up feeling like i had a wicked hangover and had only slept for an hour. which was not the case; i only had one beer with dinner last night, and i slept from about 9pm straight thru to the morning. today is the kind of day i would call in sick if i wasn't at a new, contracted job. in fact, i probably could have just stayed away, because my boss isn't even here today, and neither is half the group i work with. but since i'm hourly, my time card would reflect that, and it would look really very bad.

i do not intend to do much work today, though, because all i can think about doing is putting my head down on my desk and sleeping. i feel like hell, really. i need a fat massage and a joint and a glass of wine and a big blanket to wrap myself up in.

 

[sehra]

staring at the wall

i have successfully spent the last two (edit: four) hours reading journals and doing exactly nothing at work. C called this morning to ask me a question about excel, but i don't care that he only needed information. still like to to hear his voice.

even though i like my job, i sometimes worry that i still haven't figured out what i want to do when i grow up. my rationale for giving up my career path was that i only had one chance to work on this relationship, and i could always go back to school, get the other degrees i want, and so on. which i still completely believe, but christ it sucks to be in debt, living off my best friend's kindness, sleeping on the floor.

on the other hand, it could be much, much worse. i can think of so many much-much-worse scenarios that i feel as though i should shut up now.

i received this email from a co-worker today:
<i>
Hello, All
"Poison" Mango Passion Exotique from France will be at 10 AM in cafeteria.
Thank you.
[Co-Worker].</i>

i thought maybe i was going to see some nude cabaret show, like the one i saw in reno a few months ago. now starring... Mango Passion Exotique (aka "Poison"), the French sensation!

turns out it was just some frozen cake, though.

i have this urge to just...get out. get out and go hiking, go camping, go play outside. i wonder if i could convince C to go pitch a tent with me on friday night. saturday night i'm going to a party up in the boons, and sunday night - well, a working stiff can't go camping on a sunday night.

i am fading fast. however, i give my job credit for keeping me interested in working for the first 4 and half weeks. this is my 21st day on the job, and first day that i've truly felt like being completely and utterly brain-dead. good thing i'm not doing research anymore. although then it was a lot easier to spend my braindead time pretending to analyze data, or reading articles.

i better go now, before i bore myself into a stupor.