Re: Pitcher Night - Saturday, April 19
- Thread starter Eli
- Start date
To: Upper Management
From: Somewhere in North America
Re: Upcoming Conference
To Whom it May Concern:
As the company's most recently appointed Carmen Sandiego, I must say that I am proud to be a part of the "Pitcher Night" legacy. However, let us all bear in mind that, at the previous meeting, there were astoundingly few callbacks to earlier bits, and very few recurring songs and/or group chants. Let us all make an effort to rectify this error.
Yours in Christ,
Erin Rose Foley
Carmen Sandiego
From: Somewhere in North America
Re: Upcoming Conference
To Whom it May Concern:
As the company's most recently appointed Carmen Sandiego, I must say that I am proud to be a part of the "Pitcher Night" legacy. However, let us all bear in mind that, at the previous meeting, there were astoundingly few callbacks to earlier bits, and very few recurring songs and/or group chants. Let us all make an effort to rectify this error.
Yours in Christ,
Erin Rose Foley
Carmen Sandiego
To: All
From: Jeff Campbell, Crisis Management
Re: Upcoming Conference
cc: Dir. Undercover Security
I would first like to address the issue of callbacks at our first meeting. Everyone must do his/her part. Discernable bits must be called back to absurdity. Callbacks from our first meeting will be highly appreciated and considered especially noteworthy. Everyone must do his/her part.
The Company is actively encouraging "bits" at the upcoming conference. Flashy or innovative entrances to said conference will be looked upon with favor. A flashy or innovative entrance will be considered to be the beginning of a bit. Employees (or potential employees) who opt for an entrance bit will be expected to maintain or callback the bit for the duration of the conference.
If we all do our part to initiate bits, to call them back, to heighten the bits of others, then the conference should proceed with smooth mayhem.
Yours,
Jeff
From: Jeff Campbell, Crisis Management
Re: Upcoming Conference
cc: Dir. Undercover Security
I would first like to address the issue of callbacks at our first meeting. Everyone must do his/her part. Discernable bits must be called back to absurdity. Callbacks from our first meeting will be highly appreciated and considered especially noteworthy. Everyone must do his/her part.
The Company is actively encouraging "bits" at the upcoming conference. Flashy or innovative entrances to said conference will be looked upon with favor. A flashy or innovative entrance will be considered to be the beginning of a bit. Employees (or potential employees) who opt for an entrance bit will be expected to maintain or callback the bit for the duration of the conference.
If we all do our part to initiate bits, to call them back, to heighten the bits of others, then the conference should proceed with smooth mayhem.
Yours,
Jeff
TO: All
FROM: Scott Jennings, Regional VP, Chesapeake Bay Watershed Region
RE: Meeting of 4/19/2003
Valued Colleagues:
The purpose of this communication is to inform you that the Chesapeake office (CHE) is available for a videoconference for next Saturday's meeting. CHE has a standing Saturday conference with the Neuse River Basin office (NEU), and we look forward to the opportunity to improve the lines of communication with corporate headquarters (HQ).
To this end, satellite time has been purchased on Comstar 7 concurrent with the meeting time, and the Facilities Department has arranged for the conference equipment to be setup in the conference room.
In order for this videoconference to go as smoothly as possible, please avoid wearing bright colors, pinstripes, or other apparel that may appear distorted on the video feed. Also, please try to speak clearly into the microphones, and limit sidebars and other distractions to maximize productivity.
Thanks in advance for your cooperation and participation. Remember:
Together
Everyone
Achieves
More!
Warm regards,
Scott Jennings
SAJ/sk
FROM: Scott Jennings, Regional VP, Chesapeake Bay Watershed Region
RE: Meeting of 4/19/2003
Valued Colleagues:
The purpose of this communication is to inform you that the Chesapeake office (CHE) is available for a videoconference for next Saturday's meeting. CHE has a standing Saturday conference with the Neuse River Basin office (NEU), and we look forward to the opportunity to improve the lines of communication with corporate headquarters (HQ).
To this end, satellite time has been purchased on Comstar 7 concurrent with the meeting time, and the Facilities Department has arranged for the conference equipment to be setup in the conference room.
In order for this videoconference to go as smoothly as possible, please avoid wearing bright colors, pinstripes, or other apparel that may appear distorted on the video feed. Also, please try to speak clearly into the microphones, and limit sidebars and other distractions to maximize productivity.
Thanks in advance for your cooperation and participation. Remember:
Together
Everyone
Achieves
More!
Warm regards,
Scott Jennings
SAJ/sk
MEMO - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
TO: All Staff
FROM: Julie Tudor, Head of Development, Corporate Headquarters
RE: Our Alcohol Consumption Policy
There have been several questions as to the proper course of strategy to take in preparation for our company-wide meeting on the 19th. Following is a brief summary of our recommendations (please see your employee manual for a more expansive explanation). (Please also note that all comments in parentheses are my own, personal additions, thus psychologically assuring you, as employee of this firm, of my personal interest in you, thereby creating a mutual feeling of trust between us while I maintain the upper hand. Neat, huh?)
WHEREAS all staff shall engage in the consumption of alcoholic beverages in a convivial atmosphere of solidarity for the purpose of celebrating April birthdays on April 19, 2003; and
WHEREAS our firm is interested in maintaining the health of its valuable employees so they may continue to serve as employees to their maximum potential for many years while we reap the benefits and suck the sap form their young lives; and
WHEREAS Off The Wagon Saloon does not openly post the guidlines which list the proper procedure for maintaining the ideal balance between sobriety and "fucked up"; our firm
THEREBY submits to you a list of strategies to follow prior to, during and after the consumption of massive amounts of alcohol:
1. DRINK water - lots and lots of water (this will help keep you hydrated, assisting the release of toxins and lubricating your insides, thus preventing one of those crushing headaches associated with a classic hangover);
2. EAT light, balanced meals and snacks throughout the day (though at least one containing a good amount of starch to help keep your tummy's contents all in one place if it should come to that);
3. DRINK water between/with your booze of choice (I'm a Jameson's rocks with a water back kinda girl, and yes, you may buy me as many drinks as you like - it may aid you in future promotions, if I can remember who you are the next day);
4. URINATE often (alcohol is a diuretic, if you're well hydrated this part should be easy - just be sure to watch your aim as your motor skills will most likely degenerate through the course of the evening); and
5. DRINK at least two more glasses of water and a SMALL dose of Advil or Tylenol (if you've an easily irritated tum-tum), before passing out (choke it down if you have to, make your roommate or fuck buddy administer it to you, but do this and you'll need not worry about a hangover the next day). If you prefer to skip the painkiller out of fear of further liver damage, please do still drink your water. (Also, if you're concerned about liver damage - DO NOT DRINK IN THE FIRST PLACE, IDIOT!!!)
That being said, please remember our company's motto, "We keep good things alive, indefinitely".
I and my fellow administrators are truly looking forward to applying this strategy with you next weekend! Please continue to stay focused on your tasks in the meantime.
- Julie Tudor
Head of Development
JAT/jm
TO: All Staff
FROM: Julie Tudor, Head of Development, Corporate Headquarters
RE: Our Alcohol Consumption Policy
There have been several questions as to the proper course of strategy to take in preparation for our company-wide meeting on the 19th. Following is a brief summary of our recommendations (please see your employee manual for a more expansive explanation). (Please also note that all comments in parentheses are my own, personal additions, thus psychologically assuring you, as employee of this firm, of my personal interest in you, thereby creating a mutual feeling of trust between us while I maintain the upper hand. Neat, huh?)
WHEREAS all staff shall engage in the consumption of alcoholic beverages in a convivial atmosphere of solidarity for the purpose of celebrating April birthdays on April 19, 2003; and
WHEREAS our firm is interested in maintaining the health of its valuable employees so they may continue to serve as employees to their maximum potential for many years while we reap the benefits and suck the sap form their young lives; and
WHEREAS Off The Wagon Saloon does not openly post the guidlines which list the proper procedure for maintaining the ideal balance between sobriety and "fucked up"; our firm
THEREBY submits to you a list of strategies to follow prior to, during and after the consumption of massive amounts of alcohol:
1. DRINK water - lots and lots of water (this will help keep you hydrated, assisting the release of toxins and lubricating your insides, thus preventing one of those crushing headaches associated with a classic hangover);
2. EAT light, balanced meals and snacks throughout the day (though at least one containing a good amount of starch to help keep your tummy's contents all in one place if it should come to that);
3. DRINK water between/with your booze of choice (I'm a Jameson's rocks with a water back kinda girl, and yes, you may buy me as many drinks as you like - it may aid you in future promotions, if I can remember who you are the next day);
4. URINATE often (alcohol is a diuretic, if you're well hydrated this part should be easy - just be sure to watch your aim as your motor skills will most likely degenerate through the course of the evening); and
5. DRINK at least two more glasses of water and a SMALL dose of Advil or Tylenol (if you've an easily irritated tum-tum), before passing out (choke it down if you have to, make your roommate or fuck buddy administer it to you, but do this and you'll need not worry about a hangover the next day). If you prefer to skip the painkiller out of fear of further liver damage, please do still drink your water. (Also, if you're concerned about liver damage - DO NOT DRINK IN THE FIRST PLACE, IDIOT!!!)
That being said, please remember our company's motto, "We keep good things alive, indefinitely".
I and my fellow administrators are truly looking forward to applying this strategy with you next weekend! Please continue to stay focused on your tasks in the meantime.
- Julie Tudor
Head of Development
JAT/jm
To all employees:
It has come to our attention that this meeting has been scheduled on the eve of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Some employees are stating that family and religious obligations may preclude attendance at this meeting.
As Co-Communications Director, I like to keep my finger on the pulse of the company, so I looked this up. My research shows that this is merely the anniversary of said resurrection date, which occurred in the past. He is not actually on the schedule to resurrect. Not this year.
If anyone has any information to the contrary, please let Corporate Development/Mergers & Acquisitions know immediately. Bonuses will be offered for any tips that lead to successful sales, stock transfers, and other apocalypse-related opportunities in emerging markets.
SMM
C-CD
It has come to our attention that this meeting has been scheduled on the eve of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Some employees are stating that family and religious obligations may preclude attendance at this meeting.
As Co-Communications Director, I like to keep my finger on the pulse of the company, so I looked this up. My research shows that this is merely the anniversary of said resurrection date, which occurred in the past. He is not actually on the schedule to resurrect. Not this year.
If anyone has any information to the contrary, please let Corporate Development/Mergers & Acquisitions know immediately. Bonuses will be offered for any tips that lead to successful sales, stock transfers, and other apocalypse-related opportunities in emerging markets.
SMM
C-CD
To Members of The Company:
The day is drawing near and anticipation is growing inside all of us like a great fungus weaving amidst and under giant redwoods. I have been reviewing all of the posts, keeping abrest of the discourse and keen of any legal infractions. As your Attorney General, my job has two major components. First, to protect The Company. Second, to find and destroy those who threaten our political, social and emotional goals as a leading organization.
I am aware of and support that high levels of pitcher consumption that will occur on April 19th at Off The Wagon in celebration of my and Eli Newell's birthdays. I am also quite aware of how biting and often offensive the inebriated tongue can be. Please remember if you are a Member of The Company no immediate legal action will be taken against you for anything you say or do during the meeting. It is an open forum and we plan on keeping it as such. Of course, there will be a meeting of the Company's higher Board Members to discuss and judge all previous nocturnal behavior. Some may be fired because of their egregious verbosity others because of reticence, but then again many may be hired or promoted for the same behaviors.
Adam Koppel
Attorney General
The day is drawing near and anticipation is growing inside all of us like a great fungus weaving amidst and under giant redwoods. I have been reviewing all of the posts, keeping abrest of the discourse and keen of any legal infractions. As your Attorney General, my job has two major components. First, to protect The Company. Second, to find and destroy those who threaten our political, social and emotional goals as a leading organization.
I am aware of and support that high levels of pitcher consumption that will occur on April 19th at Off The Wagon in celebration of my and Eli Newell's birthdays. I am also quite aware of how biting and often offensive the inebriated tongue can be. Please remember if you are a Member of The Company no immediate legal action will be taken against you for anything you say or do during the meeting. It is an open forum and we plan on keeping it as such. Of course, there will be a meeting of the Company's higher Board Members to discuss and judge all previous nocturnal behavior. Some may be fired because of their egregious verbosity others because of reticence, but then again many may be hired or promoted for the same behaviors.
Adam Koppel
Attorney General
'Sup dogs? It's casual Tuesday! Right guys...?
Here's the deal-o. From the hours of 9pm-12am pitchers are...YES - $7 and $10! And no sexual harassment charges filed!!
For company members only. You just need to mention you're with the party and get a bracelet.
The party doesnt end until 4am. Be EXTRA nice to your bartenders!
4eva BFF
kimmy gatewood
alcoholic rep.
Here's the deal-o. From the hours of 9pm-12am pitchers are...YES - $7 and $10! And no sexual harassment charges filed!!
For company members only. You just need to mention you're with the party and get a bracelet.
The party doesnt end until 4am. Be EXTRA nice to your bartenders!
4eva BFF
kimmy gatewood
alcoholic rep.
quick question...
who is our current HR manager?
we didn't get a roster from our last meeting and I'd like to know what positions are available...
If you came to our last meeting, what position do you currently hold? Are you hoping for a promotion this Saturday?
If you missed our last get together and are coming to interview this Saturday, what position are you hoping to fill?
I do know that we have some openings in distribution, emerging markets, traffic and maintenance among others...
who is our current HR manager?
we didn't get a roster from our last meeting and I'd like to know what positions are available...
If you came to our last meeting, what position do you currently hold? Are you hoping for a promotion this Saturday?
If you missed our last get together and are coming to interview this Saturday, what position are you hoping to fill?
I do know that we have some openings in distribution, emerging markets, traffic and maintenance among others...
Dear Sir/Madam,
It has come to my attention that a regional
job-fair involving your "company" will be
commencing in my very hometown this weekend.
I was signicantly relieved to hear that said job-fair
would not be held, under any circumstances,at
Penn Place.Given that shrewd development and far-sighted decision making on the part of "the company",I would like to submit my application
for a "position" in your (hops/barley)research "department",post-haste.I have extensive training
in the "libational sciences" and believe that
my contributions to your "project" would be myriad.
Please consider me for this "research"position.
Sincerely,
Todd Simmons esq.
East Village,NY
USA
It has come to my attention that a regional
job-fair involving your "company" will be
commencing in my very hometown this weekend.
I was signicantly relieved to hear that said job-fair
would not be held, under any circumstances,at
Penn Place.Given that shrewd development and far-sighted decision making on the part of "the company",I would like to submit my application
for a "position" in your (hops/barley)research "department",post-haste.I have extensive training
in the "libational sciences" and believe that
my contributions to your "project" would be myriad.
Please consider me for this "research"position.
Sincerely,
Todd Simmons esq.
East Village,NY
USA