Ramblings of a Single Mom

[Gypsy]

So, it's Valentine's Day. Big whoop. All that really means is that, today of all days, when I desperately need to get out of the house, I don't have anyone to hang out with.

I got the final verdict on my job, today. It didn't matter what I proved, it didn't matter what I said. Bianca is still refusing to give me my job back.

I don't even know where to go from here, anymore.

For the past week I've done nothing but pace these floors and wait for the phone to ring, hoping everything would turn out alright in the end. If I don't get out of this house, I will go insane. What's scary is, I don't want to step foot out the door. I want to stay inside, in my comfy go-nowhere sweats, no makeup, and houseshoes. I keep wanting to eat. I know I'm not hungry, I'm only bored and very depressed.

So, I forced myself to take a shower (Yes, I've been showering this week, I just haven't been dressing as though I had anywhere to go), blow dry my hair, put on some makeup. I've taken the time to put lotion on my poor, dry, ignored skin. I'm wearing a cute blouse and low-rise jeans that I bought to wear while on my weekend getaway with The One. I have on a couple of rings I almost never wear. I thought about perfume, but hell, I already have a headache, why make it worse?

I haven't left the house yet, because I'm trying to decide where to go, what to do. Renee isn't home, but I expected that - she's out with her guy. Same with everyone else who ever goes out. Shirley would be home, but she wouldn't want to go out to Scooters or to shoot pool, anyway. And frankly, it's hard to cut loose and act out of character around her - which I need to do, you know? She's not a fuddy duddy, but it's hard for me not to be practical and sensible when I'm around her. I don't know why. Besides, she's probably hoping for some lovin' tonight, and wouldn't want to ask Dale to watch the kids so she can go out without him. I'll be damned if I'll ask them both to accompany me so I can be a third wheel. I'd rather be alone than do that. No offense to my friends.

So here I sit, wondering what I should do. Go to Scooters where everyone is smooching in public and all that? Hmm..not that I'd notice, really. I'm so used to being alone there, it wouldn't really matter. Question is: do I feel like dancing?

Maybe I should just drive around. There's a lake about 15 miles from the edge of town, I could drive up there. Thing is, you can't really get down to the water this time of year, and I'd be driving around all those curves for the hell of it - and I think there's fog out there tonight. Screw that idea.

I doubt trying to go out to eat is worth attempting. Good lord, I doubt I could get in the door of anywhere but McDonald's. But wait, that doesn't matter, either. There's no way I'd spring for an expensive meal for myself right now, when I have no income in the forseeable future.

Thing is, I don't really care that it's V-Day. I don't. What I care about is that I've fought lke hell for two weeks, trying to get my job back, and today I was told it was all for naught. I cooperated by letting them search my journal, but it didn't matter. I'm really depressed about the whole thing, and I'm trying very, very hard not to let it take me down.

The One will call me tonight on his way home from work, and I'm considering waiting here for another half hour in the hopes of not missing that call. I'm trying to figure out if I should eat before I leave, in case I get the urge to have a drink. I'm telling myself I can't afford drinks at $4 a pop, anyway. I've never had anyone buy me a drink, so there's no hope of that. I guess I've always been too unapproachable, I don't know. I'm not there to be picked up, and I guess that's obvious or something - they don't waste their time or their money on me.

It occurs to me that tonight might possibly be simpler for me, if I had a local boyfriend. Then again, life would be happier if I were local to the boyfriend I already have.

Everyone who looks at me tonight will think I'm downhearted about being alone on Valentine's Day. Somehow that bugs me, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I don't want to appear down at all. I finally have the man I love back in my life, if not in my town, and I feel more loved than I ever have. Still, it's hard to feel like a lovable person when your boss can fire you for no good reason, and get away with it. Even when I proved my case, all they did was change the reason they fired me. "Oh, that's not the reason she was fired in the first place. She was fired because people are upset about the journal, and that's not a good working environment." If that's true, then why in the hell bother to demand the link in the first place?!

I cannot believe they can do this, and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. There is no one anywhere who will help me. How can such unfairness be allowed to stand?

My spirit has taken a hard slap, and while I know I will recover just fine, that doesn't make it sting any less.

I've had enough of this computer for one night, I think.

I hope everyone is having a marvelous day, making memories that will make them smile again and again. Bless you all.

 

[Gypsy]

Oy, look at the time!

Just a quick note to say I'm still alive. I've tried to write a real post about five times now, and either the phone rings, the kids come in, I get too sleepy to see, or I simply realize I don't have it in me to write it down.

Yeah, just a tad out of sorts.

So, this entry is more a Note To Self: kind of thing. I want to write about an 'argument' The One and I had today. It wasn't an angry argument, more like an intellectual debate. I made a comment about what I should have done about a situation a couple of years ago...and he got fairly upset at the idea. Kept telling me that if I'd done that, I'd have been compromising my personal standards, morals, principles and beliefs...and I wouldn't be ME, anymore. He wouldn't stop arguing with me until I admitted that I was only blowing off steam in frustration with my situation - I didn't really believe I should have done what I'd been saying I should have done. Well, He was right, and I knew it. But I also know that I was right too - that if I'd been a low down conniving manipulator about the whole thing way back then, I wouldn't be suffering where I am now.

Of course, the whole thing is a hindsight catch 22, and completely irrelevant to the here and now. But somehow, it still manages to upset me.

Anyway, thing is, I don't have time to really put down the details of the situation so that it's really clear, and I don't have time to dive into how the whole thing made me feel (and how it makes me feel NOW), so it's just going to have to wait until later. Right now I have to get my ass out the door and get a few things accomplished. My dishes are washed and my stove/oven has been scrubbed until it looks brand new again...but THAT wasn't on my list of things to do today!!

Oh yeah...and add to the list "Must go buy City License for Lady", since Animal Control came knocking at my door first thing this morning. It turns out that I was misinformed - those licenses don't run out a year from the time you buy them, they run out on Dec. 31st. UH OH. He could have forcibly taken my dog, today. Lucky for all of us he didn't attempt to do so, because I would have gotten arrested for cleaning his clock. Since he realized that I was under the impression that her tags were still good, and there was tangible proof that I had in fact had her legal until very recently, he was fairly cool about it. I had her rabies tag and city license tag attached to my keychain together. "Well, you've already gotten the hard part done." He decided that I'm normally a law abiding citizen, and just told me to get a new tag. If I'd not been able to find her tags and paperwork...holy shit, I'd have had problems. So, yeah...gotta make a quick trip to the vet's office.

Bank, DFS, Housing, apply at two places, vet's office. I'm positive I'm forgetting *something*. Sigh.

Till next time.

 

[Gypsy]

Tasks to do and demons to fight

I'm waiting on the phone to ring. Somewhere between 8 and 11 this morning, the unemployment guy will call to allow me to testify as to why I was fired. Here's hoping the guy who calls has a heart and listens, eh? Ninety bucks a week isn't much of anything, but it'd sure beat the living hell out of nothing at all.


My debate with The One:

A couple of years ago, when things were at their most tense and traumatic for myself and the kids after the divorce, I got some advice from the Ex's brother. He told me that the best thing I could possibly do for myself and the kids was to remarry the Ex. What?? Yeah, he said. Tell him you want to go back, that you want to work things out. Spend a couple of weeks convincing him that you're sincere. Marry him at the courthouse in front of the justice of the peace. Sit tight and play nice for a couple of months. Wait for him to relax and stop watching you like a hawk. Before moving back in, pack a duffel bag for yourself, and one each for the kids. Keep a few certain things packed up and hidden at your sister's house, where he won't find them. When he has settled in and you can talk on the phone or leave the house without being questioned to death, when he stops coming home during lunch to check on you, when he stops calling five times a day to make sure you're still there, make your move. Wait for him to go to work. Grab whatever you absolutely must have, any money you can stash back beforehand, pick the kids up from school, get your stuff from your sister's house...and GO. Haul ass. Go somewhere he won't think to look for you. You see, you won't be breaking any laws by taking your kids out of state, if you're still married. By the time he finds you, you'll be divorced, with full custody.

I told him "I can't do that. I can't lie and manipulate like that, it would just be incredibly wrong - and even if he deserves it, I still can't do it. I just can't. I can't be that shitty to another person, even if that person is being shitty to me. Two wrongs don't make a right. Besides, the kids would realize what I'd done, and how could they ever respect me after that? They don't understand why I left to begin with, and they love him. That's their Dad. They would never forgive me, even if I forgave myself. No can do."

I still believe that had I done such a conniving thing, I'd have made things worse, in some ways. Sure, it probably would have worked. I'd have total custody and control over the kids and my geography. I could leave the Ex behind forever. But at what price? My self respect? The respect of my kids? Lowering my morals and standards when it's convenient to my situation isn't really having any morals or standards, is it? No. You either live up to your standards, or you don't. I chose not to compromise my self respect and the standards that I honestly believe in. Yes, I'm paying a price for it. I'm trapped in this shitty town with a man I detest, and I have to be nice to him every damned day. I feel like such a hypocrite. I hate this. However, I do it. Why? Because it's what my kids need me to do. And nothing is more important to me than my children, their stability, their happiness, their ability to have the most calm, stable, and joyful childhood I can possibly give them. Yes, I hate living here. I hate feeling like such a hypocrite. But when it comes right down to it, I chose the lesser of the evils, and I know it. When you're a mom, you do what you have to do.

Some days, though, it's hard to hide my anger and resentment. I don't resent the kids, but I certainly do resent their father - as well as the judge, the lawyers, the cops, my mother...a whole cast of folks who seemed hell-bent on going against me. Damnit, I was working in Accounts Receivable, doing a job I liked doing. I was going to get cross-training in Taxes and Accounts Payables. I was due for a raise that would have brought me to $10 an hour, two years ago. I'd likely be making at least $11 an hour by now. I had good benefits. I had regular hours and weekends off to be with my kids. I had a really good babysitter lined up. I had the schools all picked out, the town picked out, the money saved to get my own place and still have a nest egg. I had friends who really cared. I fought hard to accomplish all that, but I did it. I did it in the middle of the ugliest mental and emotional battle I'd ever fought as an adult, trips back and forth for court, missing my kids so much, feeling so guilty for not being with them, being a stranger in a strange place, learning new skills, driving a car that was literally falling apart, learning to drive on snow and ice, in the middle of the heartbreak of losing The One, having my ex torture me every single day with the most horrible phone calls where he alternated using guilt trips and telling me he was taking off with the kids and I'd never see them again, my mother interfering and making things horribly worse, my dog dying of the mange, the husband of the friend I was staying with making it clear that I was only a temporary guest and that he could make me leave at any time, that same husband propositioning me...the list goes on. I was dealing with all of that and more, and still I managed to accomplish my goal. All that remained was to get full custody of my kids, and move into our own house. A fresh start, a clean slate, a calm life. The ability to take care of us without the help of food stamps or public housing. Complete independence - hard won. And then they made me choose - the life I wanted where I wanted to be, what I already had in hand, what I'd nearly killed myself with stress and pain to earn and accomplish...or my kids.

So, yeah, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about it. I know I'm in a prison cell, no matter how comfy I try to make it, it's still a cell. In this cell, I have to be friendly toward my jailers and the man who had me arrested - even though I know I was right and he was wrong. Even though I PROVED my case, I still lost. And people are still fucking with me, too. Mike is doing the same thing, now. I proved my case, and yet he still wins, and I'm without a job to support my kids. I have no savings while I look for a job, this time. I'm angry, and the bitterness level is creeping a little higher every day. I can't help that. I don't want to be bitter, but damnit, it's so completely unfair from beginning to end! I did everything I was supposed to do, I did the right thing, I stood up for myself, and I proved my case on my terms - and I still lose. I'm a Nice Guy, and I'm Finishing Last.

I want some fucking justice. I'm pissed and I feel powerless. It hurts that Mike would do this to me, it hurts that though I play by the rules, I consistently lose. It makes me wonder sometimes...what exactly is the point, the purpose, the benefit of being a good person? Even questioning that makes me angry. I know that I could win if I stooped to the level of my enemies and opponets, but my concience and my sense of right and wrong stop me. I wonder why I bother to fight the good fight. So others can pat me on the back and tell me I did the right thing? So I can face myself in the mirror, so I can sleep at night? I don't care what others think of me, and yet I most certainly DO. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a failure - a mom who has put herself in a position of not being able to financially support her kids - over a journal. Do my kids care about my journal? NO. They care whether their shoes fit, whether they have pants that fit. They care whether they have a place to live or not. As for sleeping at night...well, I guess I do. But worry plagues me in my dreams, and so does guilt. Does it really matter whether I feel guilty for failing my kids or failing myself? Isn't the end result (bad sleep due to guilt and worry) the same?

I haven't given up on proving to Corporate that I was unfairly fired, I haven't given up on getting my job back. It isn't about the job, it's about righting a wrong. I cannot let this stand as it is, and will continue to try to find a way to correct this grossly unfair injustice until there is simply nothing left to try. I likely won't win, but I'll know that I fought, that I stood up. Yeah, that'll be a real comfort in the end, I'm sure.

Being bitter is an ugly thing, and I really do try hard to fight that feeling. I guess that's why I basically picked that argument with The One. Of all people in the world, I knew he was one who would argue with me about it, and make me feel better about my decisions, again. Instead of defending myself on why I took "the high road", I'd hear those arguments given back to me on an intellectual level that I couldn't deny. When I start to doubt myself on something like this, I can always count on him to remind me why I do things the way I do, and use logic to make me feel okay with myself, again.

Sometimes, there's nothing better than a good debate, where you take up the position against your own line of thinking and decisions, and another defends your position with logic. Sometimes, it's the only thing that can set things right in your mind, again. His ability and willingness to do this with me whenever I need it, without being told that it's what I need, is one of the many reasons I love him, and admire him. Though he has never physically ridden up on a horse and vanquished an enemy for me, he is still my Knight. He helps me to vanquish my enemies within - the self doubt and self loathing I would completely mire myself in. He stops me from beating myself up, and shows me why I don't deserve to be beaten.

There is no better hero than that.

 

[Gypsy]

I need a short break from life.

I'm sitting here all alone on a Friday night, wondering what to do with myself. Part of me wants to go out, if only for a little while. I want to stick my head out the door and take part of life again, and that feels pretty good. I'm not sure if I'm just having a good day, or if I'm back on the upswing. Here's hoping, eh?

Depression is a shitty thing, isn't it? It sucks the life and the will right out of you, and instantly becomes this vicious cycle that seems impossible to break free of. I know the best thing to do is to keep moving, because if you keep moving, keep fighting it, eventually you break free. It's not always short or easy, and when I really get mired, I no longer care whether I get free again or not. I've been that deep before, and I think it's the memories of just how awful it can get that force me along now.

Exactly one week from today, my brother in law's band will be putting on their cd release party/concert. I'm really excited, and I know the kids are, too. One of the things that has my happiness about it tempered is the knowledge that my mother is coming to town for the event. Bleh. I'm hoping all goes well and smoothly, and that mother behaves herself. I'm thinking she might, since she's bringing guests of her own. She'll want to be able to play helpless hurt mom to my aloofness, but I'd rather it be that than she get shitfaced drunk and pick a fight with someone. If she chooses that route, it would behoove her to avoid picking it with me. I've absolutely no patience for idiotic bullshit, guilt trips, mind games, name calling, or emotional attacks right now. I'm still very much on the defensive, and if she triggers my temper I know I'll simply tell her to get frelled, and to stay the frell out of my life. What makes me sad is the fact that I know I'll mean every word.

There are so many things I've thought of in the past few days that I've wanted to write about. Most of it is memories from my past, and it hasn't been pretty stuff. I keep wondering if I've ever told the story of The Knife. I've tried four times to go back through all my entries and see if I can find a post about it, but I keep getting sidetracked. It's the kind of story I really would not want to repeat here, so I avoid writing it down as a post. I know I've written the story before, for an English Comp assignment back in '90. The assignment was to write about a scary experience - and it didn't matter if we made it up or it was real. When I turned the paper in, the teacher kept asking me if it really happened or not, and was visibly disturbed. I wouldn't answer, at first. He kept telling me if I made it up, I definitely needed to be writing for a living. His saying that is what finally prompted me to tell him the truth - that it was a memory from my childhood. I received an A++ (yes, two +'s) for the assignment, and there was a note on the back that said something along the lines of "This was the best damned writing I've seen so far this year. Did this woman ever get any help??"

If anyone recognizes this information from a previous post, please PM me. If I don't write it here, I need to write it down somewhere, because I cannot get it off my mind. It's driving me crazy.

Something isn't quite right with The One. I can't put my finger on it, but something is off. I have this feeling that I cannot ignore, but I cannot define. Perhaps it's simply the stress and tension of him dealing with me being upset, angry, and depressed. Perhaps it's something else. I think it's partly that I've been high maintenance for a couple of weeks, and partly something else. I'm hoping it's that the something else is money stress on both our ends, and it will pass. I'm not entirely sure it isn't something different altogether, though. All I know is, the feeling scares me. Mostly because I just don't know what it is.

Yeah, I'm a lot happier when I don't have unanswered questions or unresolved 'feelings'. Please, don't tell me that those weird feelings I get about stuff are bullshit or that I'm imagining things. I had a feeling someone was either reading my journal, or would be soon - remember? I recently gave the link to my journal to Amy, trying to defend myself and get my job back. I had a dream about being attacked at work. Dreams aren't literal, they're symbolic, and if you look at it symbolically, there are several things in that dream that correspond to what's happened. I could list a lot of other feelings and dreams, too.

I think I should go brush my hair and teeth, and get the hell out of this house for awhile. I can't afford to spend any money, but I need to get out of here. I desperately need to not worry about anything for a couple of hours, to not be so serious.

Sorry for such a lousy post. I'll try to make it up to us some other time.

My journal is no longer easy to write, or bringing me the comfort, joy, or catharsis that it once did. Perhaps I am now pretending, as I once did with The One. That thought makes me incredibly sad.

 

[Gypsy]

Well well well...it's been a few days, hasn't it? Sugar-Snit, thank you for noticing.

I've been busy, as you might imagine.

I never did go out last Friday night. I sat here surfing instead, until I looked at the clock and decided 'screw it'. Like I said before, I really couldn't afford to spend money on going out, anyway. I didn't get drunk and mope or anything. I just hung out and watched Sci-Fi, and went to bed at a sort of halfway decent hour. Ok, so that's a fib. I didn't get to bed any earlier than if I'd gone to the club and closed it down. But, when the club was closing, I was already warm and comfy in my jammies, wound down, and ready for sleep.

I took the test for the Class E driver's license last week. Yeah, I passed, it was a piece of cake. The only hard part was paying for it. I also now have a city permit. The two go well together with my new job as a cab driver. My first offical day will be March 3rd. Yeehaw, and thank god for cousin Rick taking pity on me, eh?

I'm getting ready for the concert this weekend. I had enough money to pay for the tickets (thank goodness) and I have to hold enough cash for gas there and back, and a cd. The kids are really excited about it. So am I, but with me it's a mixture of looking forward to the concert and looking forward to seeing The One. I'm trying not to get *too* overboard with it all, seeing as he's come down sick, and the weather is currently behaving in a most uncooperative manner. I'm still cleaning the house, still gonna shave my legs (*smiles* at Sugar-Snit) and all that...but I'm also remaining very aware of reality - he might not be able to get here. My fingers are crossed, as are my toes, arms, legs and eyes. Sure does make it awfully hard to type, let me tell you.

I want a nice warming trend, damnit. From now until...oh, say Tuesday of next week? Yeah, I'd be cool with that. Or should I say 'warm'?

I'm trying to get things set up and taken care of regarding my tax return, and I'm having a bit of a problem. It seems that someone somewhere goofed something up, and now I have to unravel that before I can even get started. Yay. Ah well, I've had worse problems to contend with than this. This doesn't even really qualify as a speed bump. More like a bit of trash in the road to maneuver around, really. It's only that whole 'Hurry up and wait' thing that's got me annoyed.

Hmm...let's see. The kids were out of school on yet another snow day, yesterday. Good grief. I put Alyssa to work cleaning house, and now owe her $10 for services rendered. They didn't do everything on my list, so tonight there will be more cleaning, and the bill will be amended to reflect that. I'm gonna owe the kids my first day's pay. I want this house clean though, damnit. Clean, I say!

Speaking of clean...the fridge needs cleaned out, and the dishes need washed. Also, my room is a mess. We can't be having that now, can we? It would *so* help if I had a small storage shed to pack away summer items in the winter, and vice versa. There is nowhere to put things away out of sight, and they take up so much room! My sentimental side tends to packrat things that honestly should be thrown away. I sincerely need to let go of a lot of stuff, just bite the bullet and pitch it out. I know that once I do, I'll likely never notice it's gone - except that I'll have more space in the house. *sigh* Also, I'd like to blame my great-grandmother for teaching me things like "Save EVERYTHING. You might need it someday." She never ever got over the Depression, and as a result of living with my grandparents for a certain amount of time, I always feel like I'm preparing for one. If you could see the things I have stashed and saved, you'd understand that statement. I shall not embarrass myself by listing them here, but suffice it to say that (for one thing) there's plenty of food in the house. I need more candles, wicks, and hurricane lantern oil, though. *grin*

Alyssa's team finished the season having lost only one game. Their first tourney game was supposed to have been last night, but it got pushed back to tonight due to inclement weather. Today we're having more inclement weather, so who knows? The final tourney game was scheduled for this Friday, and if the weather keeps on, it certainly won't be. That's good, though. You see, the concert is this Friday, and The One is shooting the concert. I certainly didn't relish the thought of having to choose between taking my baby girl to her game or going to the concert and spending time with The One. Yikes. Yes, yes...always looking for the silver lining, and hoping it isn't an illusion. Of course, it's easier to do that when I'm wide awake, in the morning. At the end of the day when I'm sleepy, I'm much more Eeyore-ish about it all.

Sorry sweetie. I'd worry less if you weren't sick. Did you take your medicine today???

If the folks I'm waiting on to call me ever get around to calling me back, and I can take care of the tax business, I'm going to call Carrie. She's been on my mind pretty much every day for the past couple of weeks, and I feel guilty for not taking the time to call her before now. I really didn't want to hit her with my stress, anyway. Carrie gets stressed pretty easily, and in the past couple of years has had a lot of panic attacks. Being pregnant and all, I don't want her stressed - especially because I've called her and ranted. Now that I can talk to her about current events without ranting, it's safe to call.

I think about Carrie a lot, actually. There's a 'stained glass' butterfly hanging in my window right now, that she and her little girl made for me. There is a windchime hanging in my kitchen, near to the cutting board (with pigs on it, of all things), which hangs directly above the sink. I see them every single day, and I remember what she said when she gave me these things. "I know how much you love practical stuff, and you're going to need some things when you get into your own place. I wanted to give you stuff to get you started, stuff that every time you use them or see them, you'll remember Katie and me." Well, Carrie, it worked. I think of you every time I wash dishes, and every time I see a butterfly, too. I miss you, girlfriend. I will never, ever forget what you've done for me, just by being a true friend. Love ya, chickie.

*sniff*

Well, I'm back on my Compaq again. The new computer boots, but only up to the instant before it's supposed to give me the login screen. At that point, I get the blue screen of death. Shit. At least THIS time it's MY fault. Sheesh. Another sixty bucks thrown away, as soon as I have sixty bucks to throw away on it. I hope that's soon, this old Compaq is making some mighty weird noises, lately.

And yes, Rick will be escorting me to the shop to have it fixed, when the time comes. It sure is too bad I can't just take the frelling thing to Pete. I wouldn't worry so much, then.

It didn't start snowing today until after Alyssa was in school. Harley left the house to walk Lady, and it started while they were out. He came back to the house and informed me he'd have no school this day. "Uhm, wrong answer, kiddo. I just talked to the guy who makes that decision, and you most certainly DO have school today." "But MOM! It's snowing!" Oh, good grief! What would he think of living in a more northern state, where a couple of inches of snow don't mean jacksquat?? *grin* I happen to want to move to a more northern state, and so I shan't mention that little fact to him.

Part of me wants very much to veg out in front of the computer and/or tv, today. I know I have many things to do, and very little time to do them, and so I won't...but it would be so very nice to change back into my sweats and houseshoes, and just completely relax. I won't, though. I need to put on some music and pull my hair back, roll up my sleeves, and get busy. I know, I know...who am I trying to convince? lol

Seriously, I'm off to wash the dishes and clear out the fridge. I need to clear the pantry, and clean my room, too. Today I have a large list of things that need to be done, and I intend to scribble as much off that list as possible. Wish me luck, speed, and smiles.

And yeah...I missed writing. I'll get used to my new sleep schedule, and work in a more faithful writing time. I hope.

If anyone out there really wants to fuss at someone for not writing, fuss at No_Key_Bandit, and Splintered. They've been out of pocket MUCH longer than I have.

All smiles,
Gypsy

 

[Gypsy]

Good morning

Well, school has been cancelled again today. Yesterday there was snow on top of ice, they had school. Today, there has been no precipitation during the night - but the roads are practically a solid sheet of black ice. Sue just called, and told me if I wanted to stay home with the kids, go ahead...they've got it covered for now. If they get busy during the afternoon after it melts off, I'll go in and work a few hours. That'll work out nice...I hope. It would mean my kids wouldn't be home alone for so many hours, I get to spend some time with them, I don't have to rush around so early in the morning, I don't have to stress about driving a cab on black ice...and I'll still get a few hours in and make a few bucks, later today.


The One called me last night when he got home from work, and he sounds positively AWFUL. I feel so sorry for him, and I feel so torn. I want him to stay home in bed, and get well. I want him to drive his butt down here, regardless. *sigh* He started a serious antibiotic last night, 1000 mg twice a day (so he says). I'm praying that by the time he's supposed to start the drive, he'll already be feeling better, and able to make the trip. I guess now all I can do is...wait and see. And swallow my disappointment when the verdict comes down.

I got a lovely email from Minou last night. In it, she reminded me that I never got around to posting about my weekend with The One. OOPS! I was busy with other things right after the weekend, and for awhile, I wanted to keep the details to myself. I had meant to post it about a week or so afterward, but other stuff came up...and then I got completely bogged down with being fired from my job. Anyway, I'm going to post it, but it's going to have to be a separate post from this one. You know...character limits and all.

It would be really cool if the thoughts of many could be focused on one person, and heal them. If I thought that were an absolute formula, I'd beg everyone to send healing thoughts to The One. I miss him so much - and I don't know when our next possible opportunity to see each other will be. I feel so...deprived, and petulant. I'd be sitting here crying, if the kids weren't home to see it. So, I have to pretend like it's only a minor disappointment.

Oh, did I tell you? They knew he was coming down. Yeah, my friend from Indiana that daddy hates? Yeah, he's a photographer, and he's coming down to shoot Uncle John's concert - wanna meet him? Yeah? Cool, we can do that! They've spoken with him on the phone, and they both think he is awesome cool. They don't know for sure just how close we really are, but they know he calls me a lot, and that we've been friends a long time, now. So, yeah, they know I'm a bit down about it, but I can't be going off on a crying jag, here. No, no no no. That wouldn't do at all.

Oh yeah...Alyssa's first tourney game was last night. They had to fight hard for that one, all the way up until the last half of the fourth quarter, they were behind by anywhere from 14 points to only one point. In the end, though...they won - 46/35. They're supposed to have the next game tonight, and the final game on Friday night. I'm thinking cancelled school will mean cancelled games, though. Which means the final game wouldn't be Friday night, it might be Saturday night. *sigh* Complications galore.

Time to paste that next post, and then grab some breakfast and a shower. If Sue calls and says "Come in and work", I need to be ready.

Oh, and...just in case...would everyone wish The One well, and wish the weather warmer? Please?

*sniff*

 

[Gypsy]

My weekend with The One

It was wonderful. We stayed in a nice room, it had a hot tub, a fridge, microwave, etc. and a little balcony overlooking the pool.

We ate at several nice restaraunts, but I was so nervous I had difficulty eating more than a few bites per meal. We drove to the the historical site of Lincoln's father's homestead, and he took lots of pictures there. It was blistering cold, with something like 40 mph winds, so we didn't stay as long as we might've, had it been spring. It was fun, though, and I'll never forget it. We visited the gift shop, and he asked me if I wanted a t-shirt.
I turned down the shirt offer, I'm not sure why, but I didn't want one. Immediately after that, though, I spotted this handmade rough looking wood shelf that struck my fancy, and as soon as I said I wanted it (I intended to pay for it myself, mind you), he made it mine. It is currently on my kitchen wall, with my eclectic mix of favorite coffee cups on it.

We spent all of five minutes in the hot tub, even though we'd made a special trip to the nearby grocery store to buy bath beads. *grin* We had more fun buying the bath beads than we did using them, which I find to be a riot. The jets (well, one in particular) made an ungodly horrible noise, and the room was simply much too warm to be able to enjoy a hot tub. If we take the opportunity to stay in a hot tub room again, we'll take care to shut off the heat and open a window before leaving the room for dinner, or something. If it's summer, we'll crank the a/c up until you can see your breath. *smile*

That weekend was the first sex I'd had in a long, long while - since before I moved back here. I refuse to think about the last time I had sex before moving back, so I simply state it'd been more than a year and eight months, for me, and leave it at that. I'd almost forgotten how good he makes me feel, how easy it is to relax and not feel self concious, with him. In fact, I can honestly say that sex with him is the best I've ever had. We are
utterly compatible. It wouldn't matter whether or not he knew all the right techniques, it'd still be awesome, simply because of our emotional connection. He's the most considerate lover I've ever had, by far, and it doesn't hurt that he knows what he's doing, either. But, more than anything, that emotional connection makes it wonderful. Somehow, he's able to tap into that tiny little saved part of me that wasn't ever touched and traumatized by any part of my past. Somehow, he's able to make me forget
every bad thing that ever happened to me sexually. When I'm with him, I am my true self in a way I never have been before. Imagine my amazement to learn how adventurous I actually am, and to find that I honestly take pleasure in things that only made me feel dirty, used, and degraded in the past. I don't know how to describe it in words. I only know that I am both gratified and relieved to know that it's even possible for me to feel that
way, even if it's only possible with just one person, ever. Does that make sense?

Sunday night, he rented a pay per view movie. We sat on the bed, munching popcorn and leftovers from lunch, and watched Signs. Afterward, we realized we were out of soda, and I volunteered to go down to the machine and get us some. He offered to go with me, saying "Or we could go together." I'm not
sure why that particular phrase struck me so hard, but it did, and I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to burst into tears. I guess it struck me that the clock was ticking, and it was a rare thing indeed for either of us to be able to say "I'll go with you", ya know? He saw the expression on my face, and instantly jumped up and came over to me. He held me in his arms while I bit back the tears, trying so hard not to be such a mushy gushy
teary-eyed girl. He could tell how tense I felt, how upset, and got scared. "You didn't come here this weekend just to say goodbye...did you?" I told him no, that wasn't why I came. It was a half-truth.

You see, when I got there, I wasn't completely convinced that this
relationship wasn't doomed. I knew I wanted to see him, I wanted to find out where we really stand, in a way we couldn't do over the phone. I was hoping to find that we were as solid as we'd once been, but I also knew a lot of time had passed, and in that time, a lot of events had transpired. We'd both changed, somewhat, and I didn't know if we'd still click the way we had in the past. I didn't know if we'd be 'together' at the end of the weekend, or if we'd part as extremely close friends who had no illusions about a future together. No, I didn't go there to say goodbye. But I did go there to find out...you know? At the very least, if we did end up deciding we weren't really in love, anymore...we'd have said a proper goodbye, face to face.

It was at that point that he took a ring off his finger, and put it on mine. "You'll hold on to that for me, won't you? And someday, when the time is right, I'll replace it with another one." All I wanted to do was stand there in his arms and cry, forever. He wanted his ring on my left hand, but since I was already wearing a ring on that finger, he said "Oh, you already have a ring there." I took it off and put it on my other hand, so he could
put his ring on my left.

He had kissed me awake, that morning, I remember being startled about that. Not that the kiss startled me...but that it didn't. After all, I'm used to sleeping alone, waking up alone. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "Why would it startle you? We went to sleep together." I guess that makes sense, but I was still surprised.

It seemed like I blinked twice, and it was already Monday morning, and time to go home.

We got up and were supposed to rush out the door for breakfast so we could get on the road early, but we hung out in the room for the longest time, packing, talking and generally dawdling... trying to pretend that time wasn't flying by.

We finally made it to breakfast, ate our meal and chatted...and tried not to cry. When it was time to go, he asked this little old lady to take our picture together. In it, I'm smiling and leaning on his shoulder, and he's looking kind of rough. The wind was blowing something terrible, his hair was a mess, and he wasn't smiling. I commented on that - Why aren't you smiling?? He was indignant about that. "How am I supposed to smile when I
know I have to say goodbye to you in five minutes, and we're going to be driving in opposite directions??" I looked at the picture again, and sure enough, it wasn't just that he wasn't smiling. He does, in fact, look on the very verge of tears.

I tried hard to be brave and strong as we said goodbye, standing next to our cars. He made no such pretense, and in fact broke down and cried as he held me and told me how much he loves me. We got in our cars to drive away, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold it back until I got on the interstate, where there were no lights, no turns, just straight driving (which had been my intention to do - wait until I was alone on the
straightaway before I broke down). I had to pull over and have a hard cry before we ever left the parking lot. I thought he'd already pulled out and so wouldn't know, but he'd been watching me, and saw me pull over. He circled back, and before I knew it, he was knocking on my window. I rolled it down, and he reached inside and put his arms around me, telling me it wasn't fair for me to put on a brave act like that and then cry alone. He kissed me again and again, and stroked my hair, telling me over and over
that he loves me. And then we finally drove away.

It was a long drive back home. I was no longer nervous, in fact, I was calmer than I'd been in a long, long time. But with each passing mile, I knew I was getting farther away from the fantasy/fairy-tale like handful of hours we'd stolen together. I found myself wondering if we could ever find a way to be together permanently, and if we did, if it could possibly ever
measure up to our dreams. On and on I drove, back to reality, back to my kids, my bills, my prison. I cried as I drove, missing him. I cried as I drove, wishing I didn't have to turn myself in at the prison gate. I got on the cb and chatted with truckers, and passed around seventy miles laughing at their insistence that I prove that I'm a girl. It helped. I didn't want to come home in tears, I really didn't. Somehow, I knew instinctively that it would make things worse.

A little over a month has gone by since that weekend, and it both feels like yesterday and ten years ago. I'm still wearing his ring on my left hand, and no one has mentioned it. I guess that's because it's the kind of ring I would have chosen for myself, just a ring with a celtic type design. It's not too big and flashy, it's not dainty and girly. It's just a ring. But it means the world to me, and I'm grateful to not have to constantly explain it to people that I don't want to talk about it with.

He's supposed to be here in two days, for the weekend. However, he has become quite sick and the weather is awful. Every time the roads melt, another inch or two of powder falls on top of ice. It's looking like he won't get to come down, and I'm trying very, very hard to be all brave and strong, and not be a mushy gushy teary-eyed girl. If I have to go to this concert without him, I fear I will fail.

I miss him terribly, and I want to see him. I know, though, that if he tries to drive down as sick as he is, the guilt will nearly kill me. He's exhausted, too, and will be making the trip alone after being up all day long. I fear he'll fall asleep at the wheel, and the driving conditions aren't exactly wonderful. I'm so torn. Half of me wants to beg him to drive down, no matter what. The other half wants to beg him to stay home in bed, and get well, to be safe.


Catch 22.

 

[Gypsy]

All things happen for a reason.

Sometimes, I really wish I knew what they were.

The One is recuperating at home, sick as a dog. I won't be seeing him for a minimum of another six weeks, and that has taken some wind out of my sails. I won't be attending John's concert, though it's been planned for three months and the tickets are paid for.

My daughter will be playing in a championship game, tonight. Her team has still only lost one game, and they go against the only team that has beaten them, tonight at 7 pm. The concert starts at 8 pm, a two hour drive away.

Disappointment abounds.

However, I AM incredibly proud of my little girl for choosing to stay with her team tonight, rather than attend the concert she wanted so desperately to attend. The deciding factor ended up being this: Enough folks have gone out of town and taken their kids with them that the team is now short. Instead of ten or twelve girls showing up for the game, tonight there will be only five. If Alyssa doesn't go to the game, they will lose the championship by forfeit. The team has worked hard to make it this far, and if they have to lose 1st place, then they should lose it fighting tooth and nail, not because there weren't enough players there to start the game. She couldn't stand the guilt. Frankly, I think she made the right decision, even though she's upset and hating it.

Life's decisions are like that, aren't they? Sometimes, you're stuck making a decision that is going to leave you upset and disappointed no matter what you do. She's bummed right now (as am I, but hey), but in the future she will look back on this and be proud of herself for doing her best not to let her team down.

They practiced together, played together, and made it to the tourney together. Last night, they worked their butts off to win the game by one point, together. She understands that it isn't fair to the rest of the team to force them to lose without even being given the chance to try to win.

I'm really, really proud of her. It was a hard choice, and I know she made the right one, the tough one. I have one hell of an awesome kid. Soon, she will be grown up enough to look at me and realize what a loser I really am, and that scares me. She's going to realize just how stupid a lot of my decisions have been in life, and I will be less of a person, in her eyes. I dread that day. I know it will come, because she's already wiser at the age of twelve than I was at the age of twenty, about certain things. I don't know how I'm going to handle losing her respect.

As long as she continues on the path she is on, I know my little girl is going to be okay in this world. That will just have to be enough.

I am bursting with amazed pride, nearly to the point of tears. How did I ever get so lucky as to deserve a kid like her?

There will be no alternates for tonight's game. If anyone gets hurt, there is no one to go in for them. When they get tired and desperately need a few minutes to catch their breath, there will be no respite. If they win tonight, they will truly be most deserving of that 1st place trophy.

My fingers are crossed for her and the team. I don't want her to regret her decision. Besides...I honestly believe they can pull it off, if they only believe it themselves. Wish them luck.

 

[Gypsy]

They lost the game. *sigh* In fact, they were spanked...they lost by around 20 points. My daughter is furious, because she gave up the concert to attend the game, and then found out they lied to her - they had enough players without her. That wasn't even the part that truly infuriated her, though. What made her the most angry was that there was only one other player besides herself that was putting her full energy, heart, and soul into that game. The others had given up before the second half of the 2nd quarter. If they hadn't started screwing off thinking they could never win, they probably WOULD have won. Grrr.

The One has asked me what I think about meeting up with him in a couple of weeks or so. I want so much to say yes, and yet I know he has a trip planned for April (annual fishing trip with his best friend). I honestly don't want the guilt of him taking more time off work (costing him money) as well as the expense of another trip - which I know I cannot help to pay for. *sigh* I don't know what to do. I want so bad to tell him YES, get your ass down here NOW! I also want to not be selfish and greedy. Someone help! Why did he have to go and give me a choice? Damnit...

I just got off the phone with a good friend, who was positively bubbling over with happy news. God, how that picks me up! It's almost as if the wonderful thing happened to ME, I feel so good about it. Thanks, sweetie, for letting me be a part, for sharing it with me. You have no idea how good it makes me feel to be trusted as a confidante, and your enthusiasm and good vibes were infectious.

I've had a lovely jammie day. I kept thinking I'd leave and go to a museum or something, earlier, but ended up not doing that. Perhaps it was laziness, or perhaps it was just that I felt really content to be home, today. I feel rested and relaxed, and loved by friends, and that's a good place to be.

I'm going to get in the shower in a minute, and wash my hair, all that stuff. My hair will be dry long before bed, and when I wake up in the morning, I'll only have to wash my face before applying makeup and zooming off to work. I'm looking forward to it, actually, though I'm not sure if it's the job I like, or just the idea of having a few dollars at the end of the day. In any case, I've been plenty forewarned to be prepared for stress. It's Check Week - the first of the month. Lots of people are going to need to go to the bank and to Wal-Mart, etc. We're going to get our arses kicked, and there is NO WAY we'll be able to stay caught up at all, they said. Woo hoo. I say, bring it on! If I thought I could get my son out the door early, I'd do it. The earlier I start, the sooner I can start making money.

Oh, speaking of money -

I never got my child support for the month of November. I'm displeased by this, naturally, but especially so because of all the months for the Ex's boss to fail to send it off, it had to be the one where I was without any other income. Shit, shit shit. Also, I've been waiting all this time to find out the decision on my unemployment benefits. Naturally, my former employer denied my claim. Naturally, I made damned sure I was sitting here waiting for the call when it was time to do the phone interview with the unemployment office. No way was I going to let THEIR side of the story be the only one taken into consideration. No, I talked to the interviewer for around 45-50 minutes, and made sure to tell my whole story. I gave her the phone number of Amy at HR, and let them find out for themselves that I had gone to lengths to prove my case...and that even HR felt I had broken no policies, and never should have been fired. In fact, I had been told by Amy's supervisor that I should be reinstated, including my raise, etc., but Mike and Bianca refused to comply with that decision.

I got my first unemployment check in the mail yesterday. YAY!!

It sure isn't much by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't expect it to be. After all, I made less than $8000 in wages last year, so based on that, it sure wasn't going to be much. Still, it's enough to budget tight and keep the electricity and heat on, thank goodness. I hope to have last month's child support soon, which will help, too.

Everyone, please cross your fingers that I make decent money at my new job. It's going to be a hassle because they don't hold out taxes, I'll have to be responsible for that. I already have a plan and formula in place for taking care of that, though, so I'm not terribly worried. I just really, really need to make better money. It scares me to be without savings of any kind, and I have to get busy saving for summer clothes, school clothes, school supplies, christmas, new shoes, and summer sports. My car needs a few things fixed, and damnit, I want to be able to take my kids somewhere for a mini-vacation this summer! Even if it's only three days somewhere close to home...they've never in their lives had a single family vacation, and I want to give them some happy memories.

Besides, on top of all that, I need a college fund for my kids. And, more than anything, I would like to be able to start salting a little something back for my OWN future. Whether a college fund for myself, or a moving fund to get the hell out of here...I feel the need to have a personal savings for me. I feel selfish just thinking it, when my kids need so much, I really do - but that doesn't change the fact that I really and truly feel a need for it.

Hey, I have a question. Anyone out there ever buy themselves a home safe? If so, how do you feel about it? Do you think it's worth the money you paid for it? Do you think what is inside would survive a fire? An attempted theft? Banks make me nervous, with the economy the way it is, and I'm feeling a bit concerned about just hiding money around the house.

Anyway, any recommendations on that whole safe question would be greatly appreciated.

I've rambled enough for now. Time for a shower, and a bit of laundry, and then my kids will be home with my sister in tow...and I want to visit with her a bit without interruption or worrying about the time.

Note to self:

*Rent The Scarlet Letter and The Music Man*
Contact appraisers about your ring
Get your zanaflex script filled
Call the unemployment office
Go to the bank
Do the Wal-Mart thing
Check on your taxes

***Call someone about that summons to court****

 

[Gypsy]

Not a bad day, really.

So, today was my first *official* day as a cabbie. It was also the first business day of the month. Know what that means? Yup. We were really busy.

I made jackshit in tips, because I was toting around elderly on a fixed income and welfare people all day. It's okay, though. I don't really mind so much not getting tips from people I know can't afford it. It's the ones who CAN afford it but don't tip that hack me off.

The scary thing is, folks...I think this job really suits my personality. I'm serious.

This little old lady was coming out of her apartment complex today, trying to push open a big heavy metal door using her walker. I had looked up to see her at the door, and was already out of the car (ready to open her car door and help her in, because she was using a walker) when I saw her begin to struggle. I ran (yes, literally) to the door to open it for her. I wish you could have seen the look of surprised gratitude on this sweet woman's face. Honestly, she looked for all the world as if it were the very first time anyone had ever done a simple thing like that to help her. She smiled a wondrous smile, and told me 'thank you' as she made her way slowly to the passenger side of my cab. I opened the door and waited for her to reach the curb, and informed her I would be helping her down the curb and into the car. She leaned on me as though she weren't sure I could hold her weight, testing me to see if I'd hold up - and then held on for dear life as she made that step down. She actually looked surprised when I didn't let her fall. She got into the car, and I waited as she arranged her legs comfortably inside, then closed the door for her. I had to re-open it, though - I couldn't figure out how to fold her walker so it would fit into the trunk! *grin* She showed me where the button was craftily hidden under a piece of gray plastic, and then I closed her door again. Twelve seconds later I was behind the wheel, walker safely ensconced in the trunk.

The man waiting in the backseat was feeling mighty impatient, at the time. He had a three year old child with him, which I only found to be odd because I picked them up at the Probation Office. Normally (thus far, anyway) when I pick folks up there, there aren't children in tow. Anyway, this kid was a gem. No screaming, crying, climbing, whining, or making of messes. The man never voiced his irritation at the wait I forced upon him (both he and the sweet old lady were going to Wal-Mart), but I could easily feel it. As I pulled up at the center door (a favorite amongst the cab-riding folk in my town, apparently), the sweet lady asked how much she owed. I told her her fare (which was discounted due to her being a Senior Citizen), and then spoke over my shoulder to the man and child in the backseat, telling him his fare - which was fifty cents more than hers. Now, at first I could feel him about to complain at the difference in fares, and then he looked down at his child, and decided that fifty cents more for the kid wasn't bad. That wasn't why his was higher, though. Children under five ride for free, after all. Nope, it was because she was a senior and he wasn't. He paid his fare, and disappeared from view. I turned to the little lady sitting next to me to discover her eyes wide in surprise yet again. "There was someone in the backseat??" Bless her heart, she'd never noticed him there, and discovering there'd been someone behind her for the past few minutes really startled her. I smiled and told her not only had there been a man back there, but a small child as well, and that I was amazed that they'd been so quiet she'd never detected them. Then I jumped out and got her walker, unfolded it, opened her door, and helped lift her out of the car. I retrieved her purse from the floorboard, and tucked it into the basket attached to her walker, then added her sweater over the top of that.

That was one very pleased sweet little lady. She didn't tip me, because she couldn't afford to. You know what, though? Her appreciation for my deeds showed in her smile...and more importantly, it showed in her eyes. And THAT'S what it's all about, for me. I love that, I eat it up.

One lady (whom I suspect was a tad mentally challenged) that I took home from Wal-Mart today was pleased I'd helped her get her things from my trunk to her porch. As I was walking back to my car after the last trip, she met me on the walk with wide open arms. After embracing me in a warm hug and thanking me, she told me to have a wonderful day in the sunshine. Is that cool, or what?

I found out at the end of my shift that one of the senior men I carted from place to place today has decided he is in love with me. His words, not mine. He has called dispatch many times since I dropped him off this morning, driving them positively NUTS, asking them all kinds of things. Is she married? Can I have her phone number? Can she be my personal cab driver? Will you only send HER when I call? *giggle*

I have earned the ire of one of the other drivers, already. We'll call him Carson, just for the pure hell of it. Carson is known around the 'yard' as the resident Casanova. He's a little guy, about the size of my sister - around 5'1" or so...and just built little. In girl sizes, he's about a three or five, I'd say. Anyway, I was getting ready to go off shift on my training day last week, and dispatch was telling me to 'top off and drop off' (top off the GAS TANK and drop off the car, folks), and head back to the yard to count down the cash. Carson pipes up and tells me I can send my money his way.

Me: Yeah, you can have my money when you send me a Chippendale's dancer

Carson: I'LL be your Chippendale's dancer, darlin'.

Me: Sorry, Carson...you're not my type. You're too little, I like 'em bigger.

Carson: Well, you know what they say about dynamite, right?

Me: *stifling giggle* No, what do they say about dynamite, Carson?

Carson: It comes in small packages, baby.

Me: *deadpan* Well, if I have to put up with a small package, I'd just as soon do WITHOUT.

Dispatch was unavailable to us for the next four minutes. It took them that long to pick themselves up off the floor, and regain the ability to breathe and talk. I SOOO won that round! *teehee*

:banana:

Carson is currently plotting his revenge. News at 11.

You know, I'm truly glad that darling Rick took a chance on hiring me, for I needed a job. The truth is, I'm probably going to make a little bit less money at this one, at least for awhile. You know what, though? I like taking care of these people. I like helping them carry their groceries to their door, helping them in and out of the car, and just being a ray of sunshine when they see me. There's this one lady that I've picked up at home twice, now, and returned her there, too. It just kind of worked out that way, nothing planned or anything. This morning when I arrived at her house, she opened the door and saw me, and her face absolutely exploded in a grin, I'm not kidding. "GOOD MORNING!" she cried out, obviously happy to see me. The feeling was mutual, for she is truly a gem. "Good morning, Sunshine! How are you today? Did you have a good weekend?"

Sunshine and I are going to get along famously, methinks.

My kids are happy, because the latest I'll get home is a bit after five pm. Now, that's later than we thought I'd be getting home, but still, I'm home at a decent hour. I don't have to pay a sitter, and they don't have to deal with one. I'm here in the mornings, and I don't work nights anymore. They know if they truly need me, they can call either Rick's or dispatch and someone will tell me what's going on in a flash. They know the first thing I'm going to do when I get home is my personal paperwork (log my earnings, figure out what I'm setting aside for taxes, drop something in the Christmas fund, etc.), read my mail, then look at their homework and sign anything that needs signed for school.

That makes them happy. It makes me happy, too. I don't come home angry or stressed...a little tired, maybe, but that's about it. I get to focus on them in the evening, and that's a win/win situation.

And Rick loves the job I'm doing. He has regulars calling him (and dispatch) up, and telling him I'm doing a good job, that I'm sweet, polite, considerate, helpful, and above all...a good driver. Oh yeah...and pretty. Reports of this nature along with the fact that I was able to keep up with the other driver (who has worked for them since they opened, and worked for another cab company in this town before that) on my FIRST DAY...well! Let's just say they were impressed with how well I did on my first day, and they continue to be impressed.

I think my biggest complaint is going to be that I need to drink a little less coffee in the mornings....

 

[Gypsy]

I'm so proud!

I got home from work, and since Harley was at a friend's house and Alyssa was lounging in her jammies (she stayed home sick today), I decided that the best course of action for ME was a brief nap. After all, a thirty minute nap can do wonders. I'd been in the door two minutes, as yet unable to make it near the couch, when company knocked on the door. Drat. They visited a bit, then left, and I stretched out and pulled a cover over me, asking Alyssa to wake me in half an hour.

And then the phone rang. Drat.

It was Alyssa's coach. I completely forgot they were having a skating party for the team tonight. Apparently Coach Steve wanted to know why Alyssa wasn't there, because she was stating she was sick. She covered the mouthpiece with her hand. "Mom, Coach wants to know if I can come up there for at least a few minutes and get my trophy." I sighed and drug myself into a sitting position. "Let's go, kiddo." She changed, and we loaded into the car.

It turns out that Alyssa got TWO trophies tonight. The smallest one (they're both small, nothing huge by any means) is identical to what every other girl got. It states the team name, the year, 2nd place, and the child's name. Only three players got the slightly bigger (and cooler looking) trophies. One was Kelly, who got one for Most Points Per Game, one was Megan (I think) who got one for Most Improved Player, and one was Alyssa, whose trophy reads:

5th & 6th GRADE BASKETBALL 2003
The MONARCHS-DEFENSIVE PLAYER AWARD
ALYSSA *****

I'm so proud of her!!! :jump:

We were originally going to get her trophies and then leave, but I didn't have the heart to drag her away. Plus, I got to talking to one of the dad's there. I'd spoken to him before at a couple of the girls' games, and always wondered which of the women sitting near him was his wife. I never asked though, because...what possible reason could I have for doing so? He's good looking, but that wasn't why I'd noticed him. I'd noticed him because he looked familiar, but I never could figure out why. I only ended up speaking to him after the first tourney game when he'd been yelling at the refs for NOT making calls, and for making REALLY BAD CALLS. It turns out he's played, coached, and ref'd himself - and for a long time, so he honestly knew what the hell he was talking about. The amazing part was, the ref's listened to him - a parent yelling from the bleachers. Wow.

Anyway, HE approached ME tonight, and asked me where I went to school. I gave him my standard answer: Which year? He shrugged and asked me if I ever went to Twin Rivers, and I said sure, a long time ago, when I was a little girl, early grade school...why? He said he just kind of wondered, he thought maybe that was where he knew me from. Naturally, I had to ask his name. When he told me I damn near shrieked in surprise. I laughed, covered my mouth, and said "And I can remember EXACTLY what you looked like in third grade, too." I can't believe I didn't recognize him, I swear...in third grade, I thought he was the class cutie, and he got my most fabulous valentines.

It was kind of strange, really, trying to equate this really good looking man sitting next to me with the boy I'd admired from across the room as a child. I'd never spoken to him back then, for we had nothing in common and I'd never felt like I was 'in his league'. Well, the more things change, the more they stay the same. He's still a sports fanatic, and is currently raising two absolute tomboys. Gorgeous tomboys, but tomboys all the same. Kelly (the high scorer of the team) is his youngest daughter.

He's been divorced for two years, has joint custody of his girls, is still VERY into sports (although he never went pro at anything because he blew out his knee back in high school), loves racing - and races his own car every weekend that the track is open, and...we still have nothing in common, and he's still 'out of my league'. He is also still VERY yummy looking.

I just thought it was really cool to find out that my daughter is friends with the kid of one of my old classmates - and one I'd had a crush on back then, at that! hehe Interesting, isn't it? Well, maybe you don't think so, but I do. It sure is a small world.

I had a great day at work, if you're asking about the happiness factor. I had a sucky day at work if you're asking about the money. *sigh* Ah well, there's up days, and then there's down. Strangely enough, I netted less money for the business today than yesterday, yet made about four times the tips (which still isn't much, as it was only $12 today). Perhaps I should stop wearing my necklace with the teeth on it to work?

lol

I still wore the necklace to work, only today I hid it under my shirt. Honestly, people get so distracted by those canine teeth that they don't even notice the beads or the celtic cross. There are people who think it's really cool, and then spend time looking at the rest of the necklace...and then there are people who are weirded out by the teeth, and avoid looking at it ever again...and try to remove themselves from my presence quickly. hehe Ah well.

I have now learned that there is more than one regular customer of the cab service proclaiming himself to be in love with me, and I nearly died laughing this morning when Rick informed me of this fact. One man told Rick that if he were twenty years younger, I'd be in trouble, for he'd be chasing me hard, for I had impressed him immensely. The other (the fellow I wrote about yesterday) told dispatch that he never expected a beautiful young lady to drive his cab...and that he's "a dirty old man, and they'd sent him an angel." *cracking up* Is that a riot, or what?

I got lots of positive feedback from my fares today, telling me I'm sweet, a good driver, cool...well, you get the idea. Of course, my ego was just taking a bruising from all that, don't ya know. It's a shame I can't tell them "If you think I'm so cool, why don't you show me in dollars?" hehehe

All in all, not a bad day, even if I'm tired as the dickens and didn't make enough money to suit me. I've had much worse days at work, that's for sure. And my daughter won a cool trophy. And I ran into an old classmate, which was neat.

Oh, he invited me to bring the kids and come watch him race sometime soon. And no, he isn't interested in me...in fact, the whole time we were talking, he literally only glanced at me about three times - the rest of the time he stared straight ahead, watching the girls skate. No, not interested...he merely wants to show off his race car. *grin*

Time for a hot shower, and a warm bed. Goodnight!

***edited to fix typos. Ugh. They are the bane of my existence..I hope I don't find more after I save changes.

 

[Gypsy]

Nanner Nanner!

For once, I'm awake and posting early enough to have my journal in the 8 AM list...and it's Saturday, so there's no one else posting at this ungodly hour. I figure if I don't post *something*, no one will ever believe I was awake at 4:30 in the morning. *grin*

I volunteered to work today to try to make up some of the income I've lost recently. On top of everything else, I've been hit with a summons to appear in court over an old credit card bill. *sigh* I knew it was coming someday, I was just hoping it would be awhile longer, you know? I got stuck with all the bills when I got divorced, including two Mastercards and a Texaco card. If I'd been allowed to stay in Indiana, they'd be paid off by now. Damnit. Ah well, nothing to be done about it except keep trudging through. Eventually, someday, all the old debts will be paid off.

Incidentally, I told the Ex about the summons yesterday. He knows full well that the credit cards were in my name, but that he had his own card and helped run the bill up, not to mention the purchases that were made for the house or for tools or presents for him (father's day, birthday, christmas) and/or the kids. His reaction to the amount of the bill and the summons? "Where in the hell are you going to come up with $2300?"

Bastard.

Anyway, Rick might be short of drivers for a short while, and I intend to volunteer for what hours I'm able to do. If I could trust Harley to get himself off to school, if he were a bit older, I'd be going in at six every morning. After all, that's technically when the day shift starts, and when they'd prefer I begin my day. *sigh*

Well, I now have 30 minutes to get ready for work, and time is wasting. Hope everyone is enjoying their slumber.

 

[Gypsy]

From no work to 7 days a week.

I'm awake, again. I'm going in at six in the morning, again. Ugh. Sleeeeep! hehe I'm writing this in between bursts of getting ready for work, so it's going to take me over an hour to post.

I ended up working ten hours yesterday. After subtracting my gas expense, I still averaged $6 an hour, but I tend to count the time I'm topping the tank and counting down, where the other drivers don't. I don't see why not - we can't go home yet, we still have to attend to business. *shrug* That's just me, I guess. I'm also the only one who figures their tax amount every single day and sets it aside in a special fund.

I think what I'm going to end up doing is talking to Rick about the possibility of having Sunday and Monday off instead of Saturday and Sunday. That way I can go out on Saturday if I want, have Sunday to sleep in until eight, have time to do a little bit of laundry and housework, and have a weekday off to take care of bills and business. I have several things that I need to deal with that cannot be done on Saturday or Sunday. One of them is find out who to talk to about this tax thing. I need a better formula than guesstimating 25% of my daily gross, and I want to be able to send the money off once a month or something.

Wait...Monday is the biggest money day. Scratch that idea, I'll come up with another one.

I just realized something. I haven't been getting receipts on my gas expense. DOH! That'll be fixed as of today. I'll create a folder in my file cabinet tonight. Dear God; I'm an idiot...won't you please save me from myself?

The One and I were supposed to have a phone date last night. He ended up having unexpected company, his friend Barb and her kids. Apparently they don't know how to call and say "Mind if we drop by, is this a good time? OR when to leave, either. He snuck out of the house with his cell phone so he could call me with some privacy and quiet, as he had neither at home. It's just as well, since I wouldn't have been able to talk to him from ten to midnight and then get up at 4:30 for work, anyway. I'll end up calling him at work tonight after I get home and the kids settle down a bit. Damn, I miss him. Miss him bad. I wish we could see each other more often, at the very least.

Look at the time...I gotta run. Have a lovely day, everyone.

 

[Gypsy]

Just another manic Monday

I'm partway ready for work, and Harley is getting ready for school. My plan of leaving at 8 this morning instead of 8:30 is falling by further by the wayside with every passing moment. *sigh*

I made lousy money yesterday. Things were so slow, I think I spent more time parked and waiting for a call than I did actually making runs. The end of the day totals were simply awful. After I crunched my numbers, it ended up averaging out to just over $2 an hour. Ouch. For this I got up at 4:30 AM? For this I gave up sleeping in and getting my laundry and housework done? For this I put off going to Walmart and getting the things we need for the house? Sheeeesh. Sue told me this was an exceptionally slow Sunday, that it's normally more than double what we did. Yeah. I'll get right on volunteering for next Sunday, k?

Rick is about to explode from stress, so he went off on a spur of the moment week's vacation. Things will be a bit strange this week without him, but I think it was best for all. He and Sue were starting to seriously bicker, and that's not good. Not good as business partners, and not good as siblings. Nuh uh. They'd started having problems over drawing the line on who is responsible for what, and who is in charge. I think the experience of leaving it in Sue's hands and coming back to find everything still running will be good for Rick. I think Sue discovering that she can make decisions without asking Rick what he wants to do over every tiny detail will be good for Sue. Rick will rest, relax, and recharge. Sue will see things from Rick's perspective a bit more easily. It will be better.

I've been told I can work as many hours as I like, this week. Yay. I hate to tell them, but I'll not be volunteering for extra hours until Thursday, when my kids are with their dad. Besides that, why did you have to wait until I'd worked 7 straight days already before giving me reign to work over? *ugh* Nah, it's just the way that's working out, is all. See, Rick will jump in and help the guys on the night shift catch up if they start getting behind a little bit, and since he won't be here, they're hoping I'll volunteer to keep things running smoothly. Actually, I'd be happy to work until six every day, all except for the fact that I have kids coming home from school to an empty house...and they need dinner. They need mom there to make sure they get their homework done, to help with said homework. They need their hugs and kisses and stability. So do I.

I have to wait until the end of March to see The One, and the wait seems to grow by two days for every one that passes. Even then, the most it seems I'll get is one night to spend with him. After all, he'll be nearby on a fishing trip with his best friend, and he wants to fish and hang with his friend. Well, naturally. I know, understand, and accept this fact without a moment's hesitation...and yet I am disappointed and sad and jealous. Stupid, huh? I know, I know. I'm not really jealous of his friend, I'm just jealous of the time factor that he gets that I don't. If I were able to see The One all the time, it wouldn't be an issue at all. It's just sad to know that I have to wait all this time to see him, and then I'll get such a limited visit. Even harder to know he'll still be nearby when I have to go home. It feels so unfair. *sigh*

Whine whine, bitch grumble and groan. I know...shutting up now.

Okay, Harley is nearly ready to walk out the door. All he has left to do is brush his teeth, and then I can have the bathroom. I might get out of here before 8:30 yet. Here's hoping we have a nice busy Monday, and I make good money. Yeehaw.

At least I like what I'm doing. It could be so much worse...I could be making little money and hating my job. Or I could be working for complete assholes (the name Mike comes to mind). Instead, I enjoy the work itself, and I know my bosses love me - literally. Still, that daily pay could go up and stay there, and I wouldn't bitch.

Have a great day, everyone. I hope you're all enjoying the same sunshine that I am.

Gypsy

 

[Gypsy]

Dear Mom,

I have written no less than ten posts about you and where we are at in our personal relationship, in the past few weeks. I always end up pasting it to a wordpad document, and leaving it there. I just can't seem to find the right words to describe us, to describe either of us - or justify where we find ourselves today.

How did we get here?

Once upon a time, you were someone I adored in pretty much a knee-bent adulation pose, as you rested high upon your pedestal. I was happy to place you there, and raise the platform ever higher. When anyone would make a disparaging remark about you, I was always the first to jump to your defense, and excuse your actions and words. You could do no wrong. After all, you'd saved us from The Bitch, and that was enough to earn you Heroinne status forever.

Well, I guess forever turned out to be a mighty long time.

As I've gotten older and further away from the traumatic events that happened in Kansas, my eyes and ears have slowly opened to your faults and quirks. Some of the things you do and say, some of the ways in which you think...well, I'm sorry, but I simply cannot honor or respect them. In fact, much of my attitude toward people and life revolve around my trying so very hard not to be like you. I know, that's an incredibly harsh thing to say, isn't it? I'm sorry to say it's true, though. I try so hard, so very hard to be as honest as I possibly can, even when I could accomplish more to my own benefit if I would simply fudge the truth a little. I could line my pockets more easily if I would be willing to steal. I could advance my finances and citizen standing if I were willing to be a bully, to be cold and harsh, to not think about how someone else feels or how their life may be affected by my actions.

I'm not saying I'm perfect and you are the epitome of FLAWED. No, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is...

God, what AM I saying?

I recognize that you usually mean well, Mom. I mean, I know that nine times out of ten, your heart is in the right place. But, that doesn't really help much in the end, does it? When you practice a motto of "the ends justify the means", people get hurt. They find out what you've done, they discover how you've used them, how you've lied and manipulated and stolen...and they turn their back on you. For good reason, I might add. God knows that there are a lot of folks in this world who, when they think of you or hear your name, have a variety of negative reactions. There is sadness, anger, betrayal, bitterness, pain. They've been disrespected, dishonored, lied to, lied on, stolen from, manipulated, manuevered, used.

I think I've finally figured you out, Mom. Really, I know that I'm just guessing here, but I have to wonder at the simplicity of the answer to the neverending question of "Why?" Why do you do it? I think I know. If I'm right, then it terrifies me to realize just how much we really and truly are alike.

You've been seeking to establish your place in the world, and seeking lifetime security. It's all about security, isn't it, Mom?

All the money, clothing, jewelry that you've stolen. You needed a nest egg, and you needed to not feel poor and helpless.

All the pretending you've done about the person you really are deep down inside, the way you hide your true personality for as long as you can...you don't like yourself very much, do you, Mom? You know that if people know the real you from the beginning, they won't like you, they won't love you. They'll send you away.

They always send you away. Even your own brothers and sisters have sent you away.

Your need to maintain independence, to not need anyone, it's all a huge coverup for the fact that you're the neediest person I've ever known.

You lie about the things you've done, the jobs you've held, the things you've learned. People smirk and roll their eyes when they call you a know-it-all, because you feel a need to know *something* about everything. You do that because you're afraid if you don't appear knowledgeable about every subject, your opinion will be dismissed and your value will be diminished out of hand.

You steal money, clothing, makeup, shoes, and jewelry because you're desperate for cash to pay your bills, and because you desire things that you cannot afford. You're terrified to return to the poverty you knew as a child, so terrified that you'll go to any lengths to avoid it.

And you drink to avoid thinking about any of it. You drink because it's part of who you are, part of who you were when you were still young and hip, the cool and beautiful party girl. You drink to forget that you used to get by on your looks when all else failed, and now you're fifty years old with more ailments than friends.

You're lonely and scared, no longer able to work, losing your identity. You've always been the Strong One, able to survive and carry on in the face of anything that came your way, by sheer willpower. Now you're running out of people, options, income, and hope.

And while I don't know it for an absolute fact, I think you are dying. I think you're dying, and you're terrified of dying without mending fences, and finding the few people left who still love you, still believe in your worth. You're searching for your true identity now, more sincerely than you ever have before in your life. I don't think you have much time left. Perhaps you have more time than you think. Perhaps it is less.

For years, ever since I started figuring out who you are as a person by definition of your actions, I've worried about you. Whenever anyone would turn their back on you, I was there for you. Whenever a relationship went sour and you had to leave, I was there for you. When you needed someone in your corner to listen and hold you while you cried, listen as you ranted, and pretend to believe every word you said, I was there for you. Whenever anyone would put you down, I'd defend you.

For years I tried hard to be your rock, and I always ended up failing. No matter how hard I tried to be the Perfect Daughter for you, it would only take one moment's hesitation, one badly worded sentence, and I was on your Black List for months. I've always forgiven you, and I've always tried yet again to build that wonderful loving mother/daughter relationship that I've always dreamed of having. Every single time we'd start over, I'd tell myself "This time, we'll get it right." Every time, it would end the same. I'd discover you were lying to me, or you'd stolen something, or you were trying to take over and rule my life and getting on my nerves - and I'd finally speak up and say something. I'd always try hard to find the right words, to be diplomatic and caring, and I'd always fail.

When I was going through my custody battle, I begged you to stay out of things. You repeatedly told me you only wanted to help, so I told you if you want to help, then do the things I asked for help with, and only that - no more, no less. Don't take it upon yourself to set anyone up, talk to anyone on my behalf, and please, please...don't obsess over how this situation reminds you of your own life. Please don't try to correct your past with my present. Did you listen? No.

Do you realize that I'm living in this Shithole town in part because of you? Do you understand that I'd had the Ex convinced to move to Indiana before you stuck your nose in where it didn't belong? Do you understand how much you destroyed for me with one fucking day of drinking with my Ex, and thinking that your manipulations were going to make things better, somehow?

Better for who, Mom? Better for me? Better for my kids? Better for you?

Do you understand that I had to give up the best job I'd ever had, to move back here? Do you realize that by now I'd be rewriting my resume and searching for an even better job? Do you comprehend that I'm a goddamned Welfare Mom because you blew my chance??

I no longer feel directly angry at you (and others) for the way things turned out. I've mostly let it go, and I've tried hard to make the best of things. But, try as I might, Mom...I cannot forget what you've cost me. Not the money, not the relationships here, not the friendships in Indiana, not the life I worked so hard and sacrificed so much to build. I cannot forget, because I'm surrounded by reminders each and every day, from the time I open my eyes in the morning until I close them again at night.

I spend a lot of time avoiding you, now. It isn't that I don't love you, Mom. It's that I don't want any more shit added to the top of the pile of the reasons why I just can't adore you and pretend you're perfect. My eyes are already so wide open that they hurt. I don't want to hurt your feelings by being blunt, but neither do I want to play the pretense game, either. I don't want to pretend I don't notice you're drinking. I don't want to pretend that I can't tell you're lying. I don't want to have to make up excuses and reasons for you not to be in my house when I'm not here, so we can all go on pretending that I'm not worried you won't steal from me if I'm not here to watch you like a hawk. I don't want to pretend, and yet you won't come far enough out of denial for us to be honest about it, either.

 

[Gypsy]

I love you, Mom. And the truth is, I miss you. At least, I miss the you that I used to believe you to be, and I miss the you that I think you are, buried way deep down inside of the mess. I always feel so helpless around you, because I genuinely want to help you, and I cannot. There isn't a thing in the world I can do about your medical conditions, your financial situation, your alcoholism, your crisis or your chaos. I can't fix any of it, I can't make it better. When I've tried to look out for you in the past, when I've tried to keep you safe, I've been attacked for treating you like a child. Well, guess what? Maybe I was..but it wasn't with the purpose of treating you like a child. I just didn't want you to drink and drive, Mom. I would have attempted to stop ANYBODY who was trying to drive in your condition, ESPECIALLY when they have a history of blackouts because of neck and spinal injuries. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph...you want me to care, but you don't want me to try to help. Or, you want me to help, but...

Oh hell, I don't know.

Maybe all it really boils down to is, all those times you were crying for sympathy all you really wanted was sympathy. I can understand that. But, you see, I cannot spend eight hours a day on this computer with you, talking about the same exact things over and over again. How many times can I say the same things? How many times can I sit here feeling helpless as you list the reasons why it sucks to be you, and unable to help? If I say the wrong thing, you get angry and tell me I don't care. Or you snap at me "Everything isn't about YOU." Or "You need anger management classes."

Everyone else in this world tells me I don't get angry ENOUGH, that I take too much shit off people, that I'm too forgiving and I'm too nice. You are the ONLY person in the world who constantly tells me I need anger management classes. Do me a favor. Think about that for a few minutes. Noooo, I mean *really* think about it.

You can't fix us by demanding I not be angry, Mom. You might have reasons and rights to be angry with me, but damnit, I have the right to be angry, too.

I'm not perfect, Mom. I've long since run out of patience with you, and I'm no longer capable of hiding the fact. I realize that, and to tell you the truth, I'm honestly sorry for it. I hate it that things have progressed to the point that we can no longer have happy go lucky moments together. It breaks my heart that I can no longer hope for that golden Someday when everything will be alright between us, when I can believe you, trust you, respect you.

I've made a ton of mistakes already in this life, Mom. I know them all by heart, and I'd go back and change them if I could. I imagine you feel the same way, if you admit your own mistakes to yourself. Perhaps you do, and you only pretend to the rest of the world that you believe you did the right thing in all those instances. I honestly don't know.

You constantly accuse me of punishing you for the past. The truth is, I'm not. I don't wish to punish you for the past, Mom. If I ever did, it was a long time ago, and I was younger, angrier, and more energetic then. I no longer have the energy to waste on anger over past misdeeds. All I wish for now is that there be no new things to forgive. Well, at least not in the sense that they'd be the same old shit revisited, the same old roles played out. I was a damned good actress in the day, but my role is no longer palatable to me. I've moved on to other things. I'm making brand new mistakes.

I want more than anything to call a truce, to work out our problems, to patch our differences, to mend our fences. I want to be the Perfect Daughter you've always dreamed of, and I want you to be the mother I've always wished for. I know it isn't possible, but I want it all the same. The problem now is, there's so much water under our bridge, trying to meet in the middle might lead to our demise.

People keep telling me how hard you're trying to change. They say you don't drink anymore, and that you no longer take things that don't belong to you. I heard about Del's check, though. And I know what Cindy's told me. That tells me another story.

I want to believe the best, Mom, and I want us to find a way to mend this rift before it's too late. My problem is that we've played this scenario out before, and I found out that things were not as advertised. I took your word, I trusted you, I held faith in you...and you betrayed my trust. Again. You helped to destroy everything I'd been fighting so hard to build. Again.

I just don't think I could take it one more time, Mom. You see, it's gone on so long, it's happened so many times, that I've been pushed to the very edge of my tolerance. As much as I love you, and I DO love you, Mom...if I were to be burned by you one more time, I fear that that love would be no more. That thought eats me up inside, it burns me, it's a black spot on my soul. Guilt eats away at me every single day over this, and no matter what I do, no matter which way I go, I lose. Experience, repeated experience at that, has taught me that you will do what you always do, what you cannot help doing. You will eventually lose your tenuous hold on your attempt to make good, just like all the times before. When you do, I will once again feel betrayed, and all hope will turn to burning anger.

And I will no longer be able to tell myself I still love you anyway.

If I don't take this chance to make things right with you, no matter if we're playing our roles onstage again or not....what if this time, it's true? What if this time, you really and truly do have a clock ticking somewhere inside of you, counting down the minutes you have left? If I let things stand as they are, and you die, will I be able to live with my guilt?

Do you have any idea how much it kills me to know that the only way everything can be alright with us now is if you're dying?

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to stamp my feet and throw things. I want to rail against God and the world at the unfairness of it all. I don't, though. I learned long ago that it doesn't do any good. All it accomplishes is broken belongings, a runny nose, and a headache.

Part of me is ashamed at myself for even debating what to do, here. Part of me knows that I should forgive and forget, no matter what...and that I shouldn't be wasting time wondering "but what if?" about it. I realize that you are my mother, and that you are the only mother I'll ever have. I know that after you're gone from this world, I will miss you, and wish you were here. I'll keep wishing for another chance to make everything okay between us, I'll keep wishing for another chance to do right by you, and to give you another chance to do right by me. But Jesus, Mom...where do we even start?

Can we lay down our sparring weapons long enough to even try?

 

[Gypsy]

I'm ready to give up.

It looks like I probably won't be seeing The One next month, either. *sigh*

It turns out the fishing trip that's bringing him so near is scheduled for Sunday through Wednesday. Coincidentally, those are the EXACT days of the week that I have my kids. Also, said trip is during the first week of the month. That is the ONE week of the month that Rick truly needs me to NOT take any time off.

When The One told me this news yesterday on the phone, my kids were home, wandering around various parts of the house (and in and out). I didn't dare break down and cry, they'd have been worried sick, wondering what on earth was wrong with me. How would I explain this to them? To them, He is my friend (which is truth), and in fact, probably my BEST friend (also truth)...but they know nothing of my loving him, wanting to be with him. If I tell them, they'll let it slip to their dad...and there'll be hell to pay. I can't deal with that. Not yet, not now. The Ex's anger, bitterness, and vindictive nature would kick into overdrive, and he would find every way he could to keep us apart.

Hmmm. Looks like Fate is already doing that for him.

So, here I sat, choking back the tears, hoping the pain didn't show in my voice to him on the phone. I don't want him to feel guilty over this, and I don't want him to change anything. This trip was planned a year ago, long before I came back into his life. This trip is about he and his best friend - not me. I never intended to interfere in their trip, all I wanted was to share the evening hours for a couple of nights. I guess that really doesn't matter now though, does it?

It's beyond coincidental. Either his friend scheduled the actual dates after he knew I was planning to meet them there, knew the worst possible time (for me) to schedule it, and chose exactly those days to prevent me from coming...

...or it just is not meant to be.

Either way, I am heartsick. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to take advantage of this time that my kids are out of doors with their friends. There is a pillow on my bed that is simply begging to be cried into.

**edit

My son interrupted before I could post this (at 6:30 last night), and I shut the monitor off. I helped him with his homework, warmed up some leftovers for dinner (waste not, want not), and then he and I kicked back on the couch to watch some sci-fi. The last thing I remember is fast-forwarding through commercials on the tape. When I woke up it was 5 AM, and the kids had left me on the couch all night without so much as a blanket. The One never called me last night either, which would have at least woke me up so I could go to bed. My back and shoulders are in agony. *sigh* It's going to be a long rough day.

And I still haven't gotten to cry.

 

[Gypsy]

It's a damned good thing I don't own a gun.

Mike: You are a fuckheaded lazy piece of shit, and I can't believe I EVER gave you the benefit of the doubt. Go back to your office and hide on the telephone behind your door while everyone else does the work, you fat lame little dork. Get out of my journal.

John: YOU are mine. Watch yourself, you sorry little sawed off sonofabitch. Watch yourself. Better yet...hire three people to HELP you watch yourself. Man your post, motherfucker.

God is coming, and boy...is She PISSED.



Fate: Shit or get off the pot. Either use both prissy little hands to completely fuck up my relationship - every and all possibility of us ever being together - or get the hell out. I've had enough of your bullshit. Either you're testing my stamina, courage, faith, or love...or you're hinting at telling me it isn't meant to be. Clear and concise, damn you. Stop talking gibberish. Either I get to go north to be with the man I'm in love with, WITH my children, and live happily ever after - or I don't. Make up your fucking mind, and mine along with it. I'm sick of this pussyfooting around.

Mom: Stop being so damned stubborn. Instead of accusing me of punishing you and then disappearing off my radar for months, take a good look in the mirror. Who is punishing who, here? I'm trying, for the love of Christ. Give me a break and meet me halfway here, instead of whining and crying. Let's try direct and to the point for awhile, shall we? Let's have some fucking ANSWERS around here.



I am so goddamned sick and tired of the drama, I'm ready to scream. I've been patient, and I've been good. I've held my tongue and I've been nice. I've turned the other cheek, I've waited my turn, and I've paid enough dues for this lifetime and half of the next. I'm sick of it, I've had enough.

I want my life. I want the man of my dreams. I want my fucking serenity. And I want it all NOW.

P.S.
Chuck: He wasn't listed with Classmates.com, but I looked up his addy and phone number. I'm too chicken to call. Even as badly as I want the answers, I'm too scared. After all, his only answer may only be to curse me and hang up. Can I handle that all alone with no one to cry to? I think not. It's better to not to risk it. The silence has gone on for much too long.

Best to let sleeping babies slumber.

 

[Gypsy]

Boy, I really needed a nap, last night.

Sorry for the nasty ugly temper tantrum last night. I sat here thinking about the different things in my life that are NOT going according to plan...and I became so angry I couldn't stand it. The Unfairness Factor can become a bit overwhelming, sometimes.

Life really isn't that bad. It's just that it isn't what I want, that's all. Things were tight before, financially...and now I make even less money, and I think I'm working more hours to make it. Sure, I'm on days and my weekends are free now (unless I volunteer to work), but sheesh...

I'm figuring I'm going to have to start cutting things in my budget. One of the luxuries in my life is internet, the other is cable tv. Oh, and there's that whole $30 package on my phone line so that I can have callnotes and caller ID/call waiting caller ID, etc. I've already dropped by beloved yoga classes, long ago. (Oh, how I miss yoga!) If I give up those three things, I can cut $100 a month on my budget. I don't want to do that, of course. I want more money. I need to get a second job, but then, when in the name of all that's holy would I see my kids??

I should apply for a job delivering pizza for one of the other chains in my town on the weekends, I guess. Thurs night, Fri night, Saturdays and Sundays. The thought of never ever having a day off, never not being totally exhausted, never not being behind on housework and laundry, and never ever being able to go have any kind of fun...

Yeah, that sounds just like it would make life all kinds of worth living.

No, I haven't done anything vindictive to Mike or John. And no, I WON'T do anything vindictive to either of them. I think mean thoughts sometimes, because my life has been adversely affected because of those two fuckwits, but I still won't actually act against them. For one thing, I know I'd get caught and I can't afford the consequences of such actions. For another...I think Fate and/or Karma can do a much better job of screwing with their life than I can ever hope to. That doesn't mean I don't get angry, and it doesn't mean I don't desire to beat them into pulp or anything. It just means that I won't. MOSTLY because I am a better person than either of them, and I know it. It would be sad for me to be angry at them for being ugly and vindictive, and then stoop right down to their level to get back at them.

On the upside, Rick has put me into a much nicer car to drive for work. Instead of a little Stratus, I now drive a Buick LeSabre, which is roomier, has a smoother ride, and just *feels* much more luxurious. My only complaint is that the driver's side window will NOT roll down - either the motor is shot (are those individual per window?) or there's a short or something. Anyway, Rick plans to have it fixed, as soon as he can recover from Car 1 being wrecked, and a certain Fuckhead screwing the business out of a ton of money by starting a cab service in a nearby town (as a partnership deal), and then not making good on it. He's buying 'new' cars as he finds really good deals on really decent and fairly new models. I can put up with the driver side window not going down on my car, for now, since I already know the A/C works. It's only when I smoke that I become truly irritated with it.

I have to deal with this credit card thing, and the fact that I'm paying that off by myself when the ex helped run it up ticks me off. I'm just praying that the *other* one waits to hit me next year at tax return time...or I'm completely screwed. I've already had to pay off the old phone bill, electric bill, gas bill, and the hospital bill. There was also the bill he left in both our names with two video stores, of which I've paid off one...and I suppose I'll go in this weekend and ask the other store how much I have to pay *them* to have my name cleared. I HATE owing anybody anything. Wait...let's not forget the Texaco card, too. *sigh*

I hate my ex, sometimes.

I miss The One terribly, and I know I'd feel a lot better if I could just get one of those hugs I keep dreaming about. There are times when I just truly need to be cuddled, and I keep saving all that up for when I can see him....and when I can see him keeps getting put off. At this rate, I'm going to be a shriveled old woman by the time I can have another kiss. Frustration aplenty.

I dreamed of my first ex last night. I can't remember what happened, I only know that he was in the dream. I suppose I'll end up running into him sometime in the near future. Both he and his current wife have gained a LOT of weight and basically let themselves go. I've gained a *bit* of weight in the past year (eating all that pizza), but not to nearly that degree. The thought of running into him makes me want to lose 25 pounds and be all svelte again, so I can smile at him...knowing he's very very shallow and will be making a mental comparison between my appearance and that of his wife. See what you gave up? Take THAT! heh

Ah well. Whatever it takes to be motivated, I suppose.

Speaking of motivated....I need to motivate myself into the shower and get this day going. Hopefully by now everyone has forgiven me for such venom in my last post. Even Sweeties have their ugly moods, sometimes.

Gypsy

 

[Gypsy]

Easy, Deez...

Down, boy. It's all gonna be okay. I promise.



I am *so* annoyed right now.

I was just reading the posts in the off-topic forum regarding these so-called "freedom fries." Allow me to say "What a crock of horseshit." What makes it even more stupid is that all around us, we're watching our own freedom go down the toilet in a big *swoosh*, in the name of homeland security - and we're supposedly the free-est folks there are. Yeah, the politicians are really giving their 100% every day, taking care of all us little people. God knows we truly needed our potatoes renamed...especially now. Fucking morons. God, but stories like that fill me with an intense and immediate need to pray.

On a more personal note...

Communication with The One seems to be at an all time low this week. Somehow, with all the phone bill damage to his cell phone, and MCI screwing with his national plan at home, I don't see this changing anytime soon. Of course, there's that whole school thing he's doing this week, but hey. I'm not dumb, and I have a vague clue how high his last phone bill was. I wanted to weep when I heard the rounded off numbers.

Incidentally, I had myself a nice 'n ugly tantrum, and spent a few hours thinking angry and vindictive thoughts...and today I had my first bad day at work. (Pleasant thoughts bring pleasant experiences....ugly thoughts bring ugly experiences. More proof!)

I had to deal with a drunken bully who obviously likes to beat up on his girlfriend (she was sporting a beautiful purple bruise all around her left eye) , who tried to yell curses in my ear in my cab. Nuh-uh. Gypsy don't play that. I put him in his place, and quick. He was behaving himself nicely in the backseat when we arrived at their destination, nary a peep out of him except the occasional "Yes Ma'am." Darling Rick met me there, opened the asshole's door, and proceeded to explain to him that he is no longer permitted to use our service. Permanently banned from using a cab, he is. Good for Rick. This twit had given other drivers a hard time, and Rick decided enough was enough. He won't tolerate troublemakers making life difficult for his drivers.

That, and he was ready to (and I quote) "whip that boy's ass" for upsetting me. Go Rick! Only problem is...I wanted to whip that boy myself. I was a bit surprised at how absolutely furious that jerk made me, and in how short a time. I was shaking with rage by the time we got to his destination, and was almost mentally begging him to scream at me one more time, so I'd have an excuse to rip him apart.

I cannot abide a bully with calm.

It occurred to me today that I've made an error. All that time I didn't date anyone because they didn't float my boat just right...I could have been slowly torturing my ex. If (God forbid) something causes The One and I to break up, I solemnly vow to date, and as frequently as possible. I have to wonder, what is worse? Dealing with that bastard bully's bullshit, or deliberately keeping a low profile, waiting for the other shoe to drop?

In other news...

'I've been burned and I'm scared of committment' Dodge is getting married. The wedding is scheduled for sometime around the end of April.


Yay me.