ramble or time waster? you decide!
just sittin here at work... bored.... not much to do. well, nothing really. got the timecards in. new boss has moved down. took care of some emails. im just tired. tired of this job, tired of this nothingness.
i figure by the end of april i'll have around $1,500 saved up. why am i telling you this? well, mostly just so i'll have a record of it. so at the end of april i can kick my own ass for not having it done.
i was looking through my new cosmo saturday (guilty pleasure) and i noticed an ad for ikea. fantastic! theres a bed in there for $300 that i love!! so of course now ive got my brain working overtime... "when i move to north carolina i'll order that bed. i can have a bed and mattress for around $600!! and i'll get that dresser, and that wardrobe...." this always happens. i'll get it in my head that grand things are gonna happen to me, and i make grand plans. and nothing ever happens! well damnit, not this time. i am going to make something of this. im going to save up my money. im going to look into moving. anyone ever go through corporate headhunters? i think this might be my best bet for finding a job.
but in the meantime.... i gotta start working out. its not that im fat or anything. just out of shape. bowling friday nearly wrecked me. i could barely walk yesterday. i think i used muscles in my leg that havnt seen work in ages. (i also pulled a muscle in my leg while i was out in canada with ryan, but im sure you dont wanna hear about that!
) i wanna start up pilates or yoga classes. probably pilates. after a month or so of that maybe i'll join up a gym and do weights and stuff. stairs, treadmill (no running though, i hate running), bike... crap like that. get in shape for summer. got a great new swimsuit from jcrew. doesnt look that great on me though. it has a sorta skimpy top. and my boobs are.... well... sorta skimpy as well. guess i gotta work on my body image
theres sorta a theme to most of the journals here.... lonely, weight issues, sex, things of that sort. i guess its things we all deal with at one point or another. i look at some of the teens journals and damn, i feel old... but in a way, they seem much more grown up than i was at those ages. i wasnt thinking of boys or sex when i was 16. probably cause i was the awkward girl, braces, bad hair, glasses.... so boys just werent something in my life. sure, i thought about them, but just didnt spend much time on it i guess. dont miss what you never have i suppose. i remember havin a crush in the 4th grade. typical school yard things. the boy would chase me around the playground humming the james bond theme. why? i dunno. cant even think of his name at the moment. saw him years later, and my he grew up nicely. then there was another boy in 6th grade. phil. he rode the same bus as i did, and i would try to rig it so he would have to sit with me. but that never really worked. i remember he wore his watch on his right hand (he was left handed). and i started doing the same. even though im right handed and it tends to get in the way. i guess i thought it would get him to notice me. lame, eh? anyways, he never did notice me. and looking back, he was sorta nerdy looking. not exactly my type now. the next guy i had a crush on... mike.... *le sigh*... dark hair, dark eyes... sorta mysterious. he moved to our school in 8th grade. sat behind me in math class. mrs. o'connor. that lady was a trip. anyways, i never really talked much with mike. every once in awhile. and every time i did, my heart beat in my chest so hard! had a few high school classes with him. still didnt talk much. looking back, i think he may have been after me a bit in 8th grade. paper throwing incidents come to mind. cutesy kid crap like that. but alas, of course i didnt do anything. he ended up dating this cute girl, nicole... they would just about have sex right in the hallways. made me sick...but he was sorta the mysterious badass type guy... wonder what happened to him...
then i went off to college... ahhh college. good times. i wish i got out more or something. i was too reserved through most of it. i had chances that i screwed up. rusty... apparently he liked me but thought he didnt have a chance. didnt have a chance? who was i to turn anyone down? he ended up dating this girl named kelly.... didnt really like her, but apparently he thought he had a chance with her. rusty had redish-blond hair, played soccer... such a cool guy. my first homecoming after i graduated i was talkin to him and my friend david (not hornball david, different one) and rusty says "if i knew you would go for someone like peyton, i would have asked you out ages ago" well huh? why didnt you, you fuckwit? grrr... missed opportunities.... i had so many crushes in college.... brian, another soccer player. he sat next to me in english class sophmore year. he was a junior at the time. i hardly ever talked to him. idiot! im kicking myself right now. he was so cute, nice.... slighly balding but hey, what are ya gonna do? i think he woulda responded if i talked to him.... then there was bj... i remember the first time i saw him, going to the dining hall, he was coming up the driveway from the classrooms... "who is that????" he was wearing a backwards red yankee hat... i was hooked.... he was from florida, played soccer and baseball. sorta on the short side, short hair, very blue eyes... we had a weird 4th grade relationship goin. he would tease me all the time. i had some victoras secret pear glace perfume stuff, and apparently that was his favorite... i was comin from class one day, walking on his hallway (as i always did, in hopes of catching a glimps of him and the other sports hotties on the hallway) and he was talkin in the hallway with some guys... and he said hi as i walked by, then ran up behind me and sorta nailed me up agains the wall and proceeded to smell my neck. "mmm thats my favorite!!" to have his lips that close to my neck nearly killed me. but alas, nothing ever happened. could have. an offer of casual sex was made a few times. but damnit, i was a virgin with morals. and he was fucking half the school. apparently got a friend pregnant once... last i heard he was teaching baseball at the local community college down there....
there were many many more crushes... why did i just go through all that? i dunno, had nothin else to do i guess!
i guess what im sayin is to the teens out there (as well as the rest of us..) dont let things slip. go for what you want. if you have a crush on a guy, go for it! whats the worst that could happen? at least then you would know one way or another. and not sittin here like me, 24 years old wonderin "what if"... im gonna try to avoide the 'what ifs" from now on. i dont want to live with regrets.
i dunno, im not gonna tell you guys that life is gonna get better, that your young, things change. cause you dont really wanna hear that do you? probably not... i dont think that at 16, 17, 18 youre too young to want to experience love or anything. but in reality, things do change when you get older. priorities shift. the things that you are stressing about right now might not matter in 5 years. and the things that i stress about most likely wont matter in 5 years either. see how its all relative? do the things that make you happy... experience life. but above all, be 16! dont in such a hurry to grow up for cryin out loud. do the lame things with your friends that makes you a kid. your adult life will come soon enough, and you'll be wishing that you were younger again. am i sounding like a bitter? damn, i hope not.... i just think people need to slow down and enjoy the moment in time that they are in.
wow, i sure was waxing philosophical there wasnt it? sorry, i wont let it happen again :angel:
i love this guy.... :jump:
