I am not a man... (or how I love tangents)
We have some new program out there at work, and I'm the go to GIRL for giving out the key to it. So I've been getting calls from all over asking for the key. All they need to do is give me 2 numbers and I give them their key. I talked to some guys from Kenya and Germany yesterday. Everything went smoothly. Today was the first snag. I answer the phone and the man on the line says that he's some German name that I can't understand cause he said it so fast. And that he'd like to talk to Mr. Tammy ______. I tell him that I am Tammy. Silence. So I say Hello, this is Tammy. Then he asks again to speak to Mr. Tammy ______. I again say that this is SHE. This guy is apparently slow, so he asks for my boss, cause he can give out the key as well. So I just ask him "Are you looking for the program key?" He says yes, so I tell him that I can handle it for him. And we're off and running.
Tell me, what the hell kind of name would Tammy be for a man?
My Junior year at college we had a new head of the Business department come in. And damn if I can't remember this assholes name. Something with a K. God my memory is horrid. Actually, it may have been Senior year. Man. It wasn't that long ago! Okay, anyway, first day of class he's taking attendance. Going down the list, everyone introduces themselves, says where they're from, what their major is, etc. He gets to me. Says Tommy _______. So I say "Well, I'm TAMMY ______" He appoligizes, then says "I think we'll just have to call you Tommy now." Funny. Later on that day I was walking back from class through the guy's hall and I passed by a sort of friend of mine who had class with me. He says "Hey Tommy, how's it goin?" Screw you Joel was my reply.
I always liked Joel. Of course he was beyond my little world, being a basketball player and hanging out with all the volleyball girls. I was just on the outside of the jock circle. Most of my friends played basketball or softball so I knew the athletes by default. I of course never really thought that they paid much attention to me. Why would they when they had the volleyball girls? Anyway, a few times I felt a little bit like I belonged. Sophomore year (I think) a bunch of us were hanging out on Bishop, the guys hall. Just going back and forth from one room to another, drinking and such. And there were a few times when I was in somebody’s room without a friend of mine. And talking to people. And it was cool. So I sort of felt like I could belong there. But I never felt as if I truly did. I wasn’t like the other girls. I wasn’t as pretty, I wasn’t as talkative, I wasn’t good at sports. I was always just a bit on the outside. But I think I know now that I kept myself on the outside. I didn’t think that these people really wanted to get to know me, so I didn’t allow them to. There’s those walls again. So this one time, I was in Joel’s room sitting around listening to music and such and it almost felt like I was a part of it. And not just a tagalong.
I had a big crush on this guy named B.J. during college. He arrived on the scene Sophomore year. I remember walking with Rachel down the sidewalk to the dining hall. And I saw this guy in a backwards red Yankees hat coming up the alleyway from the commons area. And I just looked at him and wondered who he was. Eventually I was introduced through somebody and we were acquaintances, but not friends. At least I didn’t think so anyway. We had a few classes together, and I’d see him up on Bishop. One day I was coming back from class with Christy and a few other girls and we passed by B.J. and a few other guys on Bishop. We stopped to talk to them, and B.J. came to the side of me and leaned forward and smelled my neck. Then he said “Pear glace, how did you know that’s my favorite?” I of course didn’t know what to say. I’m sure I stammered something, and he laughed and let me go down the hallway. I thought about that for so long. Wondered what it meant. Maybe it did mean something. Maybe he was trying to tell me something. Maybe he was interested. I don’t know really. All I know is that he was always popular with the girls. He was dating the Miss Virginia runner up during Junior year. How in the hell could I compete with her? She was very pretty, and nice too. Oh, and he also apparently had a little thing with my friend Jion, but then again, most of the guys at school had a little thing with Jion. Oh, another time we were drinking up on Bishop and I ended up in B.J.’s room with some folks. Everyone sort of left and I was with him by myself. So he starts to take off his shirt. I’m just sitting there thinking “oookay, what is he doin?” Next he’s unzipping his jeans. So I get up to leave saying “I’ll just let you get changed…” He said something like “Oh come on, it’s fine.” But it was just too weird. So I left to go find my friends. About a half hour later his door is closed and you can see a towel sticking under it. That’s the universal sign along Bishop Hall that somebody’s havin sex in that room. About an hour later out comes a girl, I think she was a GW whore (local high school girls lookin to score, and who usually do). Anyway, Reggie (basketball player, hilarious guy) goes in and says, “Damn it smells like ass in here!” It was hilarious… Weird night though. My friend Mikki got trashed and ended up on the floor in front of this guy Jays door who she had a crush on. “I see you in there! Come out!!!” Oh it was hilarious. Me and the RA had to drag her back to her room to sleep it off.
Another time B.J. was up on my hallway talking with my friend Liz. She had some Reeses peanut butter cups and he had asked for one. I went in there to ask her something, saw she had those and asked for one as well. So she told me that she gave him the last one. I asked her my question and went back to my room. 5 minutes later B.J. comes in and says that he’ll share the peanut butter cup with me. Alright, cool. He then puts the whole thing in his mouth and says “if you make out with me you’ll probably be able to taste the chocolate.” I just looked at him, shook my head in amazement and went to Mikki’s room. To this day I’m confused by that whole scene. I’m fairly certain that he was just trying to embarrass me. Mission accomplished. There were other things too. One night he was up on my hallway with Reggie and he came in asking for Kool-aid. And he again commented on the perfume that I was wearing. I just couldn’t understand what he was up to. I knew that he didn’t want me, why would he? When he could have Miss Virginia Runner-up 1998? I just never got him. To this day I do not know if he was interested in me, or if he was just trying to embarrass me, or if he was maybe just interested in the chase. And I’ll never know either.
That was just a long line of confusing things involving guys at school. Freshman year I was sitting in my room studying when the phone rings. Guy says its “Paul”. Now, I knew that there was no Paul who even went to school there. Believe me, the school was small enough to know. “Paul” says that he’s seen me around, and that he’s going to stop by my room and say hi. I thought I recognized the voice but I couldn’t place it. I’m still thinking that it’s bullshit, and waiting for the punch line. About an hour later I hear some guys coming down the hallway. David (Rachel’s ex) came in laughing. Followed by Rusty, a friend of ours. BUSTED! They said. Um, no. I knew it was bullshit. Either way, it was a bit of a blow to my ego I guess. Because I knew that nobody was interested in me, and to have a joke played that somebody was sorta hurt. Of course years later Rusty told me that he had liked me. But that I was out if his league. Which is insane.
Back to Joel… Since I didn’t get to graduate with my class (that still hurts) I had to sit with the crowd. So I was looking through the program and realized that if I did graduate I would have sat 3 seats past Rachel, and next to Joel. I was pissed. I would have been right near friends of mine! To see people that I knew for 4 years graduate without me was so sad. I got my damn diploma in the mail in December. God it sucked. Anyway, after the ceremony I was walking around congratulating my friends when Joel tapped me on the shoulder. He gave me a big hug and said “I heard about Stats (the class which caused me to not graduate). It sucks, you would have sat next to me! I was glad to know you though, it’s too bad we didn’t get to know each other more.” I thought it was so nice of him to say that. But again looking back I didn’t know what it all meant. Was he ever interested in me too?
I wonder about the things that I’ve missed out on because my eyes weren’t open. Because I didn’t think that I was worthy or something. Because I didn’t put myself out there. I don’t know if my horribly low self-esteem is to blame. Well, I don’t think I have really low self-esteem, it’s just that I don’t’ understand what somebody would see in me. Especially in those early college years. I was still an awkward little girl in so many ways. Hiding behind my hair and glasses, and behind my friends. I’ve changed a lot, but in some ways I’m still there. I’ll never quite understand what somebody like B.J., or Joel, or Rusty could see in me. Or if they even saw anything at all, or if it was just my overactive imagination thinking something was there when it really wasn’t.
To be continued...
