ramblings of a 20something

[brown_eyed_girl]

why im an idiot when it comes to guys, part 2

heres the riviting conclusion... on the edge of your seats? becareful, dont fall off!

so he dropped me off home, and i freaked. after he said that, i shoulda really kissed him. then see what he would have said!! but no... i just about ran to my house.

i did end up calling him on 4th of july, but he was out with friends. boo.... anyways, we were at the pub one night when the braves were playin the yankees. im a braves fan, and he loves the yankees. so we made a bet. yankees win, i have to take him to a game. braves win, he would have to take me to see them play boston. yankees won so we went to a wednesday day game the next week. it was alot of fun. reaaaaaaaaly hot day though. we just about baked in our seats. it was the first time i sat in the bleacher seats at yankee stadium. quite an experience!!! after the game we took the subway into manhattan and ate dinner at the espn zone. it was weird... he sorta walked ahead of me on the way to the resturant. i dunno if it it was on purpose or whatever... so we had dinner then walked around times square for a bit. walked right infront of a fashion shoot. whoops! anyways, we got a bit lost on the subway on the way back. at one point i layed my head on shawns shoulder, but he didnt do anything. duh. not like i wanted him to grope me on the subway or whatever, but an arm around the shoulder woulda worked nicely. we drove home, he dropped me off, and that was about it. i was a bit confused... i sorta thought we'd hook up a bit. but nope.

the following weeks were pretty much the same... flirting, talking.... but nothing ever really happening. then 9/11 happened. he worked for an environmental company so he went down to help with the cleanup. he called me in october and we chatted for a bit... i was suprised he still had my number. he said he was gonna be back in town in november, but he never did call. and that was that. havnt seen him since. i wonder every now and again what ever happened to him. a few months back i was at that pub again to see a band play and the bartender was there. he said "still talkin to shawn?" it was pretty funny.... he picked up right away on us two. about a month after we met, shawn and i were drinkin at the bar and dermit (the bartender) says "so when are you two gonna fuck?" :blush: holy shit i wanted to crawl under the bar and die... we both turned bright red, and i jetted to the bathroom. i swear, im an idiot...

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

i forgot a title! sheit!

i broke 2 pages! yippie for me!

theres another forum that i check out, and there was a discussion about peoples "number". you know the one. the "how many people have you slept with" number. why is this such a huge deal? one guy made this observation...

Nobody has ever Married a Woman who has had more than 3 Lovers, or less than 3 Lovers, unless She was a Virgin.

The reason is this.

Most Women think that 3 lovers is an acceptable number that will make them appear experienced but not overly promiscuous.

The chances are that you will never know how many or few Men your Wife or Girlfriend has had Sex of some form with.

i thought that was pretty damn interesting. and probably true. none of that shit matters to me. or it hasnt so far. but then again, my number is 3. for what its worth. not like it matters much. the 2nd was only once.... the 3rd was twice. and of the 3 ive been with, my exboyfriend claimed to be a virgin. liar. the 2nd guy had been with 60+ women apparently. shoulda never slept with him in the first place. its not that i regret it, it was just stupid. and it didnt mean anything to me. i thought it did at the time, but looking back it was just so stupid. anyways. and i think ryan has been with around 15. who cares? i dont. so yeah, anyways... maybe someday i'll meet a guy and he will say hes been with one woman, or 201. and i'll freak. and i'll have to eat these words. i'll cross that bridge when i get to it.

another day at work with nothin to do. fun fun fun. when am i finally gonna decide ive had enough and look for another job? the economy sucks right now though, so i probably wouldnt find anything. i guess i really cant complain too much right?

ive become hooked on these damn journals. some of yall are damn interesting. im sure nobody has thought that about me! i bore myself.

was watchin the bachelorette last night. i think i love ryan the firefighter/poet. if shes stupid enough to toss him out, can i have him? please? can we make this happen? i figure shes gonna pick charlie. hes got bad hair.... but that first episode she went all gaa gaa over him :loopy: so i figure thats who she will go with. but mmmm that ryan guy.... :love: apparently ive got a thing for guys named ryan? perhaps. there was a guy in college named ryan.. played baseball, tall, brown hair blue eyes. sorta sleepy type eyes. he was pretty, as im fond of saying. waaaaaaaay outta my league! anyways... so yeah, if she gets rid of the firefighter/poet, im packin my bags and headin to vale!!! okay, gonna find another journal to read, probably write more later.

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

zzz...

oh
my
god
i
am
so
fucking
bored
.
.
.
would it be bad if i fell asleep? would anyone even notice? 2 1/2 hours left. I WILL WORK ON MY RESUME THIS WEEKEND. I WILL GET IT INTO SHAPE. I WILL BEGIN A JOB SEARCH. THIS WILL HAPPEN

will putting that in caps and bold make it happy? i dunno. but this week has dragged on.... this is crazy.

hmm.. some brochures that need to be put away. that will keep me busy for about 10 minutes. yippie skippy.

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

sheit!

i havnt posted all day, what was i thinking? oh, i wasnt... hmmm...

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

prayers out to the columbia shuttle crew and their familys... makes remember sitting in the classroom as a 7 year old and seeing the challenger exploding in front of our eyes. very sad day...

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

sunday, boring sunday

just sittin here downloading some simpons episodes. pissin me off cause i keep downloading the same ones, and they never work grrrr ive got nearly 170ish now. thats alot of d'ohs!

also in the process of cleanin up my room. its not too bad actually, just alot of papers and cds layin around. stuff like that. doin some laundry. hopefuly get it done today. sucks havin to do laundry for 3 other people as well

went out friday and saturday night. hung out with liz and her friend mike friday night. we were gonna go to this bar that serves only beer. at any givin time they have 200 different kinds from around the world. alright if youre into beer, im not though. so i usually down a few ciders. mmm.. anyways, that place was at capacity. the place was wall to wall people. so we went down the street to another bar we go to occassionally. got some drinks, played cards, got food. mellow night. had a good time though. then saturday night me, liz and our friend renee went out to a new place to see a band play. irish band, good stuff. the place was nice, its gonna be a good venue for concerts. lot of cute guys workin there though, so that was cool. cute guys in attendance as well. couse none approached me. but then again, neither did i. so i cant complain too much. i had a decent time. i think i wrote ryan a drunken email though. good thing we dont talk on the phone. cause i really woulda made an ass outta myself. i can just imagine calling while hes with his girlfriend type or some other chick! :nervous: not good times.

2 months till my birthday. yippie skippy. 25. i think i may have a breakdown! i did see a job online that is sorta interesting. my friends brother works there, so i think i'll find out more. see how much it pays. if its at least what im making now, i think i'll send a resume. its for DVD managerial assistant. probably be alot of database type work... workin with customers. i dunno. somethin different. i'll see i guess!!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

...

just read a few journals. im sorry.... but some really grated my nerves. maybe i should just shut up now, but ive never been one to keep my big trap shut. anyways, some of the teen journals. maybe its just cause im gettin old. but damn. was i like that when i was a kid? live it up while you can... most likely you have no responsibilities beyond gettin your homework done on time. so its not that bad! just think, it'll get much worse once you join "the real world". im sure i'll get some pm's either sayin "well, your journal sucks too! quit your bitchin!" or "youre just old and bitter" and maybe youre right. or maybe i'll get some from the people older than i am, who think im just an idiot kids as well. or perhaps nobody will read this at all!

okay, so occassionally i'll be drivin somewhere and i'll have strange thoughts. on the way back from lunch today i found myself wondering this.... theres pre-pubesent, pre-menopausal, menopausal, and post-menopausal. so whats the term for after pre-pubesent? i guess its adult, but is it alsp pubesent? and i know i cant spell.... ive come to terms with my inablity. so yeah. these are the things that go through my head. i also tend to do my best thinking in the shower. the most random thoughts go through my head. ive been putting off some work all day.... guess i should get to it.

my journal sucks. so if anyone is reading this, bless you. and im sorry for boring you!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

shoes

i dont think im a typical girl in this area. seems alot of women love shoes, and shopping for shoes. i dont. id much rather be barefoot. its so much more comfortable than stuffing your feet into 3 inch heels.

although i did buy some really cute shoes for my trip to canada. cause we were supposed to go out for new years eve. got a little black dress too. i looked freakin hot in the damn thing. didnt get to wear it. still sorta annoys me. im thinkin maybe i'll wear it for my birthday. i really wanted to wear that outfit too. dress, shoes, had some great undies to go along. but nope. but its cool... what are ya gonna do?

but i digress.... shoes. i hate shopping for them. ive needed a new pair of regular black shoes for work for ages now. the ones i have on now are sorta loafer style, but with a bit of a heel. functional. not very trendy. but the right shoe is fallin apart. the lining is all fucked. keeps scunching up i guess. annoys the shit out of me. granted, alot of things annoy me. but i am bound and determined to buy a paif of shoes tonight. mall here i come! i think im also gonna treat myself to a picture. for christmas my sister got me a framed print of the saratoga race course. i love that place. ive wanted to hang the picture next to a cross stitch of a horses head my grandma did for me years back, but id like to have something else to hang on the other side. make it symetricial or whatever. im running out of wall space in my bedroom. oh if i only had a place of my own! the possiblities! so yeah... i think i might buy another print of the race track. i also would love to have a picture i took out in canada enlarged and framed. its a little waterfall that was all frozen over. the picture came out pretty well if i do say so myself.

damn, i havnt done hardly anything today. im so unmotivated here. its really time to move on. gotta call up liz and find out about that job where her brother works. see if i can get some sorta inside info.

no response from ryan on the drunken email. probably just as well. he was online last night but wasnt there... if he mentions it i think i'll claim temporary insanity. somethin along the lines of "i wrote you an email? i dont remember that!" yeah... that'll work.

my friend jake wrecked his car the other day. hit a patch of black ice goin 60mph. flipped 3 times. thank god hes okay though. just a bit sore. i saw the car... it really freaked me out. reminded me of my wreck. not good times.

well, its nearly 4pm. little over an hour to go. its not that i hate this job, im just not satisfied. *le sigh*

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

and another thing...

heres a tip for you folks who might wear silver type rings... i got a cute one from the ralph lauren outlet a few weeks back. turned my finger a hideous shade of blackish green. pretty gross. but i really like the ring. so in passing i mentioned it to liz. she said "put clear nail polish on the inside". so i did. and lo and behold, its workin! now, i dunno how often i'll have to apply the nail polish. but thats pretty cool huh? apparently her brother had a silver cross that turned his neck colors. and the nail polish did the trick. its very martha stewart...

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

im fucked

fuck i forgot to order lunch. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. just called the place, they are gonna call back. not good, im fucked.

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

okay, im not fucked

they called back, they can throw together somethin. god im a fuckin idiot, thought lunch was next week and not this week. ugh. my job bites.

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

i am a complete and utter moron

anyone have a shovel? i need one so i can dig a hole, crawl into it, and die. got a response to my drunken email to ryan. its not bad or anything though... just... i dunno. i guess in a way i was hoping for some sorta response like "youre great, id die to be with a girl like you" but thats pretty damn lame. but really, i know that isnt the case. i know he wouldnt want to be with a girl like me. and its got nothing to do with what i look like or anything, its how i am. im insecure and i dont know what i want out of life. anyways, back to the response. now, i dont remember exactly what i said in my email to him. but apparently i must have asked if i was any good in bed. why? because i enjoy causing pain to myself! heres the response...

"as for being a good kisser 'n in bed 'n such? . .. well i don't see how
that's really relevant. . .'n besides. . .the first time is always the worst
(both people are usually at least a little bit nervous .. blah blah blah) ..
. .'n it takes time for people to get to know eachother 'n such. . . .
kissing tho .. . .i don't see how anyone could go wrong unless you try 'n
eat the other person . .. or ya spit in their mouth or somethin' . . lol"

hmm... is that just a generalization? i mean, its not like it was earth shattering or anything. didnt expect it to be. im goin with this... hes tryin to be diplomatic. it was really an unfair question to ask anyways. but man... sheesh. dunno even what to say.

as always, feedback is appreciated!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

gypsy

you stood up for what was right, thats very admirable... best of luck with everything!!!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

it is not!

yes burns, my name is in reference to the van morrison song. and it isnt about anal damnit! thanks for puttin that visual in my head well, i suppose it coulda been. who the hell knows what most songwriters are thinkin about when they write. and damn, what is up with that CCFF chick? hope i got those letters right.... i dunno. shes messin with ya. and i dont think its that weird that you got turned on. i mean, she was pratically naked. id bet she was tryin to get some sorta reaction.

minou mentioned how she shares alot of stuff in her journal that she wouldnt with her "real" friends. im the same way. i know i talk more freely with my online friends. its easier. i dunno why, but it is.

well, must read the rest of the journals that have been updated. im hooked damnit. yall better keep writing, cause if you dont, what will i have to do all day long at work? cause its not like i have work to do!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

ramble rumble ramble

so i chatted with ryan last night... i said somethin to the effect of "sorry for puttin you in a werid spot by writing that email blah blah blah" he said "its alright" hmm... i think i just need to put the trip out of my head. in a way, pretend like it never happened. i think thats how he wants to play it. not that i want to analyze it every time we chat. im probably making more of all of this than there actually is. i know i do over analyze every little thing. i value his friendship though. i enjoy talking with him and sharing things.

this post has no meaning. its all shit ive said and thought before. i dunno why i have to go over and over things.

ryan did mention that i should keep some sorta journal. well, lookie lookie, here i am! course i wont be tellin him about this, cause he'll find it. hes wiley like that.

heres the thing..... i think im gonna take some different directions with this. talk about things other than "what does ryan really think of me? does david really like me" and all that shit. cause all im really doin is runnin around in circles with that, never getting an actual answer. so no more writing about that shit. unless something actually happens. im sure in a day or two i'll completely go against what im sayin here. but there you have it.

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

hmm...

i find myself developing mini crushes on some of the folks floating around here... i shant name names at this point.

just got some new shit here at work. the company is goin through intergration, merging with another part of the company in another state. its all very confusing. anyways, so we had to get new letterhead, envelopes, crap like that. course now we've got no place to put it! i guess tomorrow i'll start going through the filing cabinet. why not today? cause these damn new shoes are tearin my poor feet up. why cant it be summertime? i wanna wear flops. or if it were a casual workplace... sneakers all the time! well, we are "business casual" and alot of people wear jeans on almost a daily basis. but most of the guys in my department dress nicely, so i feel as if i should as well. the "executive secretary" wears jeans alot, but i dunno. just seems unprofessional to me. so here i sit, with my old navy pants... cheap, yet businessey cute! i love making up words.

jesus.. as im writing this, a girl who works upstairs just sent me a forward email. somethin bout an angel, pass this along or you'll die blah blah blah. i hate those. now i gotta get em at work? sheesh.

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

panties

yeah, i hate that word too.... sounds sorta... i dunno... skeevy to me? like something only a perv should say. "i wanted to get in her panties" i dunno. just somethin off about it to me. i usually say undies. guys seem to think thats cute when i say that. or maybe they are just sayin that to get into my panties... hmm.. these are the things i think about. no wonder i have issues!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

you may call me browny...

hmm... i dunno if that will help burns at all might make matters worse! why did i pick this name.... when i used to chat in chat rooms, i would use the name brown_eyed_girl_78. so of course i would get on average 20 guys every day lookin for some cyber action. and then id get the "do you like it in your brown eye?" so i changed my chat name to somethin non gender. it was great! no unwanted private messages... cept the ones where they said "guy or girl" and id say, which ever it is youre not looking for, im it. clever eh?

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

work? do people actually do that?

burns: heres my take of chat room type people. 5 % are actually great people. the rest are crazies. theres the girls who are just lookin for a man. theres the ones who fake illness to gain some sorta sympathy. i knew this one who had a brain tumor and "died" only to pop up about a month later. apparently they found a cure for death. then theres the guys lookin for some cyber action. this might actually be all of them. all in all, i suppose i enjoyed my time in chat rooms, while it lasted. not like i had much else to do while i was recovering from a broken arm and leg. i got a bit hooked there for awhile though. not good. well anyways... i hardly ever talked to girls in chat rooms. they were way too weird. jealous little things. "did you just pm my man?" umm... is he your man this week? sorry, i didnt get the memo. i'll be sure not to ask him how his test went this week. sorry! so yeah... mostly just talked to the guys. i usually find guys easier to talk to anyways. less petty bullshit. and i did find 2 really great friends. ryan and the aussie peter. peter and i arent talking now. or anymore. i dunno. im sorry for that lost friendship, he meant alot to me. maybe someday we'll talk again. and ryans friendship means tons to me too. its a bit different now since we've met. mostly cause of me though. but im workin through that. i hope hes a friend that i'll have for a long time.

what was my point with this? oh yeah, 5% normal, 95% weirdos!

 

[brown_eyed_girl]

its friday! whoop dee doo...

another weekend is upon us. yippie skippy. dont think there will be much goin on for me. oh, i have ideas on what i'll do, but will i do them? that remains to be seen. theres 2 hockey games this weekend but no extra ticket for me. and saturday is the big game. tradition kinda thing. went last year, was tons of fun. got to see the cute players up close and all that, good times. my friends and i had our pictures taken with our favorites. i felt like such a major dork. cause these guys are our age, and a few years younger. but dang... cute! liz got to be "friends" with one of them eventually. she went to meet up with him one weekend where he plays hockey now and after that she didnt hear from him again. why you may ask? cause he didnt get what he wanted from her. sex. so she was no good to him apparently. we got to hear about that for months. if you think i go on and on and on about things, you would hate her! a few months back this guy was back at the college visiting and liz saw him in the stands at the hockey game. "im gonna go talk to him. see why he wont talk to me anymore" but of course she didnt... she just sat there and fumed the entire time. there was a girl with him pretty much the whole time. "im cuter than she is, right? whats he see in her.." god i wanted to smack her.

maybe its my problem, but half the time i cant stand to be around her. i find her to be so selfish. its always liz liz liz. usually for her birthday we go out to a resturant. which is cool, i really like doing that. i wish we would more. just go out on a friday night for dinner with friends. so i had mentioned this year that i wanted to go out for my birthday, especially since im turning 25. she says "yeah i guess we can. but since im not working right now, it'll be hard for me." excuse me? but for 3 of her birthdays that we went out for, i wasnt working either. but i found a way to get the money to pay for my dinner, as well as pay for part of hers. but she cant for me? id really like to get my friends together and go to a nice place. dress up. i'll pay for my own damn dinner, i really dont care. its just about getting together with friends and having a good time. and its her own fault shes not working. she had a temp job, she knew when it was ending.... granted, i really cant say shit about being out of a job and job searching. so i'll just shut up now about that!

last night ryan was tellin me about the girl hes been seeing. apparently he hasnt heard from her in over a week and he gave her a call the other night and her roomate said "shes in the shower, she'll call you back" but never did. so i guess shes blowin him off. ick, bad choice of words. so i guess ryan and his roomie had reservations for valentines day at a fancy resturant. double date sorta thing. but now that the girls outta the picture, hes tryin to figure out what he'll do. well, its not like hes not "involved" with at least one other girl at the moment. so im sure he'll figure something out. he had said "i like going out to a nice place and dress up every now and then" i felt like sayin, "yeah, you said we would while i was visiting" but i bit my tongue. instead i said "must be nice, i wouldnt know." cause i wouldnt. ive never been on a real date. never. not once. ive never had a guy call me up and ask me to dinner or anything. yes, i am pathetic. ryan asked "not even with your ex?" nope. "and you were with him why?" to which i replied... "cause he asked" ryan said "cute answer" but i was sittin there thinking... why the hell was i with him??? and the answer truley is, because he asked... we met at a party. he started talking to me, and it just went from there. we never went out on a date, we just began to hang out. we never had a "are we boyfriend/girlfriend?" conversation. i never called him my boyfriend until he called me his girlfriend first. i think the closest ive come to an actual date was when i lost that bet to shawn and we went to the yankee game. and i woulndt cound that at all.

god, sometimes i feel so damn pathetic. i would understand my status as an eternally single girl if i were hidiously ugly. but im not. really! if you need proof, i will prove it.

this really wasnt where i was going with this little entry. but i guess it was something that i needed to write. i'll write somethin else later... try to get some sorta work done.