Proud Leader of the Southern Nihilistic Front

L

Lull

New Member
#21
#21
As you can see, I had my Journal name updated to reflect the "new chapter" or whatever.

One thing Ive always noticed while typing is that I dont go about the "taught methods", but does anyone really? I use my own form. My left hand does everything that involves the left side of the keyboard, and my right stays with the right. Shift and Enter, etc etc. Acctually... I think I use my right hand mainly for shifting. I dunno. Its odd, I suppose, but if I need to capitalize something like H... aw hell... now that Im thinking about it Im not using my right hand, yet both. Now Im embarassed.

Denton is in the mood. I can tell because hes playing Glenn Miller's In the Mood over and over. So yeah.

I got about 4 hours today off. No Visual Basic class. So Im quite pleased. Ill take the time off to go vote. Ill be voting Green, thank you very much. Telling my parents that I am voting green really messed them up. Green... what is the Green party? They dont color code the candidates, son. Just because the Republicans are Red and the Democrats are Blue doesnt mean anything. Or so says my mom. Shes voting Republican... I just know. She always has, and always will.

Im ready for the day that a Libertarian will take office!

My arms are really sore from boxing last night... Ill live, though.

But guess what? Today, Ill see if I can get up the nerve to ask a specific lady out for lunch... or dinner, or something! Yeah I know!!! Its great!!!

I have to keep my big scary bearded guy persona around campus, though. :) You know, playing nothing but Death Metal in my car, blaring it for all to hear so they can run in fear from me. The leather jacket really helps as well. Yeah, I feel so great! I was listening to some of my Beattles CD's the other day and came to this conclusion; that I have always been seen as a satanic, death metal fan. It never really bothered me. Hell, people even treated me with respect simply because they thought that. I was seen as the cool guy into life, love, and music. Well, They were right about the music part... dunno about life or love. Like I said earlier, I have a huge musical taste. I listen to everything and know just about everything about music. I dunno. I cant let the scary bearded guy image down, though... Its just such a great stereotype!!!




Current Music Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto by Styx
 
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L

Lull

New Member
#24
#24
We hear the war cry... its time to enlist!

Yesterday was a horrible day, really. Just... alot of bad memories and alot of bad confrontations with people I didnt want to see. I guess I feel a little better, though. Several friends asked me how I was. So thanks, Denton, and Cherie the most. Just asking if I was ohkay made me feel a bit better. If any of you reading this know me in real life, you probably know that Im pretty much an upbeat guy when Im around people... I guess thats because I can keep myself occupied and I dont think of all the depressing things in my life. I dont know, though. I try not to, I mean, its not like I like being depressed... and I acctually think I am getting out of it, really. I try to remain stoic alot of times. I guess Im beginning to finally realize that this isnt the worst, and something will come along (hopefully soon) eventually that will straighten everything out. IM putting a little too much faith in something, but Its the best I can do and is most certainly the brightest lining in any clouds that may be around.

Playing MoH:AA today was great, really. I did very well against Denton. I took my time and planned my moves out. I also found a new set of weapons that I like using. WHile not the best at long range, it works almost as good as the shotgun does in close quarters, is more accurate, and fires quicker. It is most certainly a good opponent for the German machine gun as well as the BAR. I guess the main reason I liked playing today, though, was after a small (read: very small) spree of killing Denton maybe twice in a row, I was beginning to get a little cocky and play like I did a few months back. I was running through building, turned a corner and all I heard behind me was a loud crash as Denton jumps and bangs into his desk. I startled him, and then killed him. Heheh. I fuck with your mind man! *grin*

Ive been relativly hyper and happy today, though. It first started when I finally got a damn cable to work in fucking Data Comm. Second was when I made a 100% on my Visual Basic quiz. This pleased me to no end and put me in a nice attitude for the majority of today that lasted all throughout the afternoon. The next thing was a fun time during lunch. Just goofing off with Denton, Flint, Carrie, and a few others. Talking about movies and stuff. Always fun. Being with people that are into the same things as I and also having the ability to finish up funny movie quotes is always the greatest thing in the world. Mainly talking about Gone with the Wind, though. Yeah, they wernt going to show it because they said Damn in it. Yeah, heaven forbid they not show it because it promotes slavery and racism and the guy pretty much rapes Scarlet. Heh.

OH yes. Then I got an hour and half off because there was no Psychology today. MoH:AA happily filled the void. After MoH:AA I went to Op Plat. Denton refused, but should have gone any way. We played around with some hacking utils and what not, and goofed off all day mainly.

Im trying to get something this weekend setup. Like, a small get to gether really, and just watch some movies. I may be able to get a few bootlegs from a friend of a friend. I think he has the new Austin Powers movie somewhere, so hopefully hell be a pal and lone it to me for the evening. If not, then I can always fall back on the trusty Eddie Izzard tape that Stevie has. Eddie is always a crowd pleaser, he is. I wonder if there are any other shows of his on tape somewhere in the universe.

Mainly, though, because... well, you remember that person I talked about getting the nerve to ask for tea or coffee? Yeah, well, I didnt ask her for coffee or anything, but I offered for her to come and check out some videos with is. She seemed pretty glad that I asked, really, and jumped at the chance to give me her phone number. I guess I should be happy, too, because Matt asked her for her number and she gave him her home phone instead of her cell phone. I know she didnt do it out of spite or anything, because Matt used to call her all the time and bug her. I dunno. Maybe something between us could rise with time? Im not going to make any "moves" anytime soon. My self assurance is crap and I dont think I could muster up the courage to do so. Hell, I had a hard time even inviting her to catch some shows. IM seriously thinking, though, to call her and ask her out for dinner or something if this whole movie business falls through. Id just have to find my testicles lying some where so I could do it, however.

Im out.

Gypsy, if you want to play Scrabble tonight, message me on Y! and PM me. Ill get one or the other. SOrry we couldnt play last night. Didnt think to delete all of my crap.



Current Music is The Frail by Nine Inch Nails
 
L

Lull

New Member
#25
#25
Things are looking bleak.

So, Ive gotten back into a small groove of writing. I took some time off from my normal writing duties (Wish I could tell you what they were, but I dont want to give myself away.). I have some projects that I have to get done, but they will wait for a while, which is good. I still have two weeks to get them released and published, so Ill be fine I suppose. Ive gotten back into writing poetry, though, after a longer stint of not having any influence or urge to write a damn thing. That really messed me up, really, because writing really helps me release stress.

I got a ticket yesterday. 70 in a 55 zone. I knew I got caught. No denying it, no lying... just admitting that I made a mistake, took a chance, and got caught. What really irks me, though, is that alot of police officers or highway patrol wont believe you no matter what, and that everything you say is just an attempt to get them to go easy on you. Im almost positive that this is what Office Brady believed I was doing... and I wasnt. I dont like passing responsibility onto something else, or blaming something else for something I did wrong. I admited to speeding and will pay the incredibly huge fine on it. Done and done.

I didnt have that date this weekend. She wanted to go to a party and wanted me to come with her... Im not much of a party guy, really... but I go to smaller ones. This one, though, was full of people that I have an extreme hatred for. They would be drinking and probably would have said soemthing to me... so I decided to not do it. I did, however, rent a ton of games and movies and played them throughout the night, so all is not lost. Specially since I have another interest. I was told that she always asks for me when Im not around. The other day, she playfully got upset when I didnt sit next to her at lunch, and she always wants me to do that old 50's movie yawn and stretch my arm around her. Everyone gets a kick out of it, but I dunno. I very well could be taking it out of context (like I always do) and reading much more into it than there really is... though I hope maybe there is something possible.

Gypsy, any thoughts? Help me!

I asked a friend of mine, Stephen, if I could tech for his band since they need a sound guy. Im not the greatest when it comes to sound. I have near perfect pitch and hear things that others cant and my taste in things is really weird. I hear recordings and KNOW that vocals are turned up too much, or that drums have too much treble and not enough mid... not enough punch to them. I pick up on things like this, and the last band I did sound for didnt take too kindly to it. It wasnt a big fight or anything, but I quit doing sound for them. I help them set up lights and sometimes I help promote them. Good guys, really.

Stephen's band is a Christian Rock band. Alot of you readers know my stance on Christianity, and one of the reasons I respect Stephen alot is because Ive pretty much told him, and he didnt hold it against me at all like alot of others would.

So Im sitting here now, with nothing to do, really. Im supposed to call Denton soon and work up our twin thing tomarrow. This is going to be fun. We are going to dress up in the same clothing and wear near identical hats... tell everyone we are twins... I mean, we look KINDA alike in the face... too bad though. Im only about 100 pounds larger than he is.

Kyle SMASH!

First line of my up and coming poem is:

<I>Its so cold inside this life
your breathless heart had betrayed my cries for love</I>

First person to tell me that it is corny gets to die!

:p


Current Music is Turn It On by the Flaming Lips
 
L

Lull

New Member
#26
#26
Im the reluctant dragon.

Me and Denton's twin day went well. We dressed in matching clothing and went about telling everyone that we are twins. It got a good laugh or two, but I didnt get to show off to as many people as I would have liked. Oh well. Denton played the soft and quiet thespian while I played the older influencial brother who was a rebel, democrat, and went to a liberal arts school. Denton was going to play a child who murdered our parents, but we decided that that went too far from the whole Marsha feel and that it wouldnt get chicks. Herrm... The highlight of our little adventure was what Kate said. We told Kate that we were adopted, so she made a joke that she could be our mother. Now, I dont know about Denton, but what went through my head was "Man... mom is quite sexy". Yeah. So, for the last 15 seconds of the day, Kate played mom though Im sure it was a little unwillingly so.

Im mentally attracted to Kate, as well. Not as much physically. I mean, shes a beautiful woman and nice and such. But she laughs at my terse, goofy, and odd jokes and seems to enjoy them alot. Though shes probably way out of my league, Id like to think that theres a little something there, but I doubt it, so Im not getting all too worked up over it. I mean, yeah, Denton does as well, but Im straight, hes straight, so that ends that. :p

What about tomarrow, you ask? The pants. Just... thats it. The pants. Denton has told me is ass is rather sexy in them. Ill make my judgement tomarrow, I suppose, and ask for a second opinion from my gay friend Flint. If he agrees with me, then I will gain the power to judge with the best of them!


Now to the nitty gritty.

Well, my friend Matt is really upset with me... and It just blows my mind about how he can turn his problem around onto me. Ohkay... get this. He likes this girl named Kate. He has liked Kate for maybe a good year or so. Thing is, though, Matt likes girls out of his league. Nearly every girl that he has ever had a thing for has been WAAAAYYY out of his league. When I tell him this, I just get an obligatory retort of "Well Im sorry for having dreams". Its bullshit. So. Yeah, Matt likes(ed) Kate. No problem. The problem comes about when he wants me to get the "low down" about her on him. This is the problem, because _I_ know what she is going to say, and Im sure he does as well. So, I tell him that she said she never had any feelings for him, and that is that. Hes rather upset about it. After hearing him sulk about it for some time, I decided to speak my mind on the situation when he asks me why I dont seem bummed about the situation. I simply tell him that being upset over her saying she didnt have feelings for him and wont go out with him is wrong and hypocritical.

How?

A year ago, a girl named Marie liked Matt. He wouldnt give her the time of day. Five months ago, a girl named Denyell liked Matt. He wouldnt give her the time of day. Just this past week, he had the chance to start dating a rather nice girl named Carrie. He wont give her the time of day because he simply "has no feelings for her at all". Understandable, I suppose. But what really gets my goat is that now hes upset because Kate has none for him. He cries and complains about girls never giving him a chance, yet he wont ever give a girl that likes him a chance. Hypocritical. I told him it would be wrong for me to empathize with him on the situation and that I wont do it.

Of course, Im a horrible friend for judging him like this.

So he tries to pull some bullshit on me about how Kate probably likes me and that hed never forgive me if I dated her... that Im not being supportive of him; that I consider him a brother, yet dont show any sympathy. I love the guy... but Im not going to tell him that it is ohkay for him to do something to someone and then get upset when it happens to him. Im sorry, but that is just not how life works.

So now he interviews me on what my "league" is. Just... a load of crap.

Im making this sound alot worse than it really is... I mean, Im making it sound like Im alot more upset than I really am... More perterbed than anything else, and I know Im really victimizing myself I suppose, and demonizing Matt... but Christ almighty on a fucking stick. My morals just had a clash of monsterous proportions with my best friends feelings... I can only be so supportive until my ideals come into conflict.

I hope and pray that everything will be better tomarrow.



Current Music is Die for your Government by Black Flag (Damn you Denton)
 
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L

Lull

New Member
#27
#27
Urge to kill... Fading.

I suppose you could call today quite a good day.

1> I looked at some new vehicals and found a few very nice ones. I may be the proud new owner of a Ford F150 Super Cab tomarrow morning, and trust me, Ill be quite pround. Its much better than the piece that I am driving right now. MUCH better.

2> The pants. Yes, Denton's ass looked sexy in said pants. The pants, as they are called, are blue and yellow stripped... verticle stripes. Great looking pair of jeans if I may so say myself. They most certainly made Denton's posterior region stand out quite a bit, but I wanted on an experts opinion before I made any more claims to it. Lunch came, and Flint second'ed my judgements. I suppose I can judge an ass like the best of them can, then.

3> We had a great convo about gay guys always being hot. Well... Yeah. Pretty much. Funny as hell and interesting none the less.

4> Even though Im not gay or hot, I asked Keri for her phone number and she gladly gave it to me. I asked if she would mind if I had her number, in which she replied "YEAH!". See... I was expecting a no... as in no, I dont mind if you have my number. When she said "YEAH!" I took it as yeah, I do mind if you have my number now fuck off ( ;-) ). She wrote it down on a napkin. Pocket.

I like Keri, though, and would like to spend some more time with her.

Im told that maybe theres a chance between me and her... or pretty much for me to become more acquainted with her, but I dunno. I dont think Im her type... but then again, my last two girlfriends wernt my type either. I guess Ill talk to Flint about it once I get his AIM name from Denton. I should have just told him the name to my other blog so he could add me as a friend... but no, I forgot to. But yeah... if he doesnt mind then Ill ask him about the whole "situation" and what not. I tried calling her earlier to see if shed like to go to a movie this weekend, but she isnt in her room. I think shes at that choir practice thingamabog that Anna, Flint, and Denton are attending. Mike tells me it wont be finished for a while... curses.

Im tempted to get in my car and just drive back up to college and spank Mike in Spearhead. Take that, hooligan!

Im going to try and cut back on my swearing. I came in from sea a few years back, so maybe I need to work on my etiquette a little bit. Mike requested that I not swear when Im at his home, which I will obey any way, but Id like to calm down just a bit.

and tonight... Tonight was just relaxing, though I have just a small fever.

Denton made the hypothesis that this was the end of the Depressed Kyle... and it very well could be... though I usually come to my senses after about a month of moping around. Im like a cat... thats lazy... and has a broken leg. I can get back on my feet but it just takes a moment or two.



Current Music is Lift Your Skinny Arms Like Antenna's to Heaven by Godspeed you Black Emporer (Damn you Stephen)
 
L

Lull

New Member
#28
#28
6 hours, 1 week

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now the very proud owner of a 2003 Ford F150 LTX. This is one beautiful hunk of steel and gasoline. Im in love with this truck and am happily showing it off to everyone. Flint and Denton especially, because... Ohkay, I dont know why, but I like them riding in my truck. Makes me feel special. Im quite proud of it and happy to have it. It is a nice upgrade from my delapadated Jeep.

So...

I have gotten the very odd feeling that me trying to get things together with Keri is being treated as a joke... Not by her, but by people in general. I ask a question, such as "What do you think my chances are" and the responce is that I have a really good chance, with a sarcastic stress on really. So it gets me to thinking that A> Shes a whore, B> Shes desperate, or C> shes just looking for someone. Now, I recently broke up with a girl and my self esteem is pretty much dead. Im assuming, however, that this is all in my head. I get quite nervous at times like this and paranoia kicks in. Im guessing that that is exactly what is happening now. I asked Keri if we were still on for this weekend (out of paranoia) and she said yes. Dont know why I asked, but I kicked myself in the ass for it afterwards.

I still have to get in touch with Kate about going to the theatre with Denton. She says she wants to go, but I have to call her and find free time for her, I suppose. The Ring just hit town (yeah, I know) and I am quite anxious to see it. Denton doesnt mind seeing it again, and I hope Flint doesnt mind seeing it. If there are any problems, then I will happily applige to anyone else's preferences.

Im meaning to ask Flint if it would be ohkay if Keri and I hang out with him and Denton after the theatre. I know that he and Denton are going to get shit faced, and he will probably read this before I can politely ask, but Ill ask any way. If you do read this, Flint, no preassure on you man.

I skipped Psychology today to go to a party for the choir.

This is my theory; stay with me now, because It gets kinda weird.

Ohkay. At night, Im getting incredibly drunk and having sex with beautiful girls and not remembering it.

Yeah, its odd, but that is the ONLY way that I can explain what is going on, which is that at odd intervals during the week, a very good looking woman will yell out my name, wave really big, smile really bright, and giggle. Now, Ive never met this person before and none of my friends know who the hell they are. Just today, a rather good looking black girl did the same. I dont know her. Never have (to my concious knowledge) and probably never will.

Today I was told that I have an inner gay man inside me. Highlight of my week, damnit!

The oddest thing has happened to me recently that has happened before. My stomach would hurt at the most painful of levels... so much that I couldnt move for quite a while. I would lie in bed thinking that maybe I have caught some kinda tummy ache bug or similar and hope that it passes. I fall asleep with it and wake up with it every day. It has been like this for a week. Tonight, I just decided to indulge and ate a good bit of food; lots of apples and banana's and orange's quickly filled me up and made me realize that I didnt have the tummy aches, but I was fucking hungry. I had absolutley NO appetite whatsoever yet my stomach was just begging for food. This is very very odd.

But yeah, Im getting nervous about this date this weekend.

I wonder if she has even thought about it.



Current Music is Signal in the Sky-O by the Apples in Stereo
 
L

Lull

New Member
#30
#30
Im Melvin the MagnifiCat!

Im Melvin the MagnifiCat!

This past Sunday and Saturday were quite excellent. Denton became drunk for his first time and was quite the show! He would rant and ramble about many things that have happened and even to come! He complimented on Flint about how great a friend he was, how cool he was... He complemented me on how well I can chew my hair.

I spend too much time acting as if Im not naive. It has occupied my mind for the past few days now and Im getting quite upset over it. I suppose, however, that this upcoming weekend will do well for my poor grey matter. Scotch _is_ my favorite drink, afterall.

I will be moving into the dorms soon. I finally found a room mate in Flint. I had thought that I asked him earlier and he said no, so Landon was going to be my next inquiry, but something in the back of my mind said to ask Flint again just in case. So, yes, he is now my room mate for next semester along with (unofficially) Denton. I guess Denton will use his dorm room for three C's; clothing, computer, coffee, and mine and Flints room for whatever else. The plans that I have going through my head are great. I can barely anticipate how much we very well may be having. And no, Im still straight, so get the thoughts of gay sex out of your heads...

The late night movie helped calm me down a bit. I saw the Ring and really enjoyed it. The ending was quite a suprise and Im glad that I didnt see it with Denton and Stephen like I had originally planned. Yeah, Stephen, Denton told me about the big blurt out. All I really have to say is that it was much better than the Japanese version. Much creepier as well. Come Thursday is Harry Potter 2! Well go see the late show again, most likely, in hopes of getting to see it for free, so Chris, if you come across this somehow, some way, then put us on the card again!

Friday, Im not totally sure what Ill be doing. I may drive down to see Matt and hang out with him for a while, but I know I wont be staying the night and he wont be staying the night at my home. Saturday is the big day of this month, I suppose. Me, Landon, Flint, and Denton will (very adultish like) sit and Flints home, enjoy some Scotch, and chat the night away. This is why I really enjoy my new friends. They are like me. They like to sit down and watch a movie, sit and talk, and just relax. Most of my other friends just absolutly HAVE to do something... though with Matt I guess it is ohkay seeing as how we sit and play Tekken. The only down part is he gets really pissed off when I beat the living hell out of him with Lei. Im cheap, he says. I do the same move over and over, he says. Well Matt, if Im doing the same move over and over then why havnt you stopped me from doing it? I mean, you _do_ know what Ill be doing, right? Petty excuses for lack of skill, I say.

I pretty much consider Flint and Denton two of my best, if not near best friends. The two of them understand me, and generally are in the exact same problem that I am in; lonliness and the every present feeling of whatever it is that Flint recently said on his Xanga. Oh, and its not that simple either! Its an incredibly huge love... grid. Grid because it doesnt connect, but kinda goes off on its own... yeah, its a love Ray. Thats it.

Stephen, Denton... Requim whenever you two get the time.

Landon, prepare to be assimilated.

Current Music is that Elton John song that I had to dance to Flints mom with... its playing in my head, ya know.
 
L

Lull

New Member
#31
#31
Fucking piece of shit wholl never amount to nothing

(Quick Note: I dont adress people directly in my journals. I write as and how I think.)

Gypsy, Id take you out tonight if I was not a few hundred miles away.

------------

I am ugly, please just go away.

Depression has creeped up on me again. Like a heart attack, but quieter and more aggressive. Im currently held in its restraints; I beg for release but theres always a better reason for me to stay here. Id like to think it was melancholy. With melancholy I can have that great Shakespearian aura around me. That poetic atmosphere would follow me around. But that isnt the case with this. I suppose that I should be thankful that I dont have suicidal depression or that I can acctually make it out of bed in the morning, but I often reflect upon things later in the night, mainly why Im able to live through the day. Just... things just dont get better and dont seem to be. Yeah, there is alot of possibilities, mainly the stuff that me, Denton, and Flint know of, but other than that there is nothing more for me to look forward to. The only thing that I look forward to is seeing my friends on the weekends and week days. Like Denton told me and Flint, I shall retort with the same. I look forward to hanging out with them. People I can confide in because they know what its like...

I dont know.

I dont exactly miss having a significant other (read: Girlfriend). Unlike most males now, I dont look for a girl that Id like to have sex with. I need someone with an emotional attachment to. The whole mental thing. There are only a few people like that right now. One is totally uninterested, one is with someone, and one is someone who is probably miles above my league.

You see? This is the kinda crap that plagues me at night. Am I annoying you? Yeah. Im annoying myself as well.

But yeah, thats pretty much it. Physical relationships are great, I mean, who doesnt like the feeling of lips pressed against their own? The warmth. Just being able to touch someone. I miss that the most. Thats great and all, but the whole mental connection. That is what would make it great. Im keeping my fingers crossed, however.

I had to take Denton to the hospital Wednesday night. The swelling on his neck and cheek became unbearable and he asked me to run him to McComb hospital. When he got out he sounded much better, but when I talked to him on the telephone earlier today he sounded awful, but Im attributing this to lack of, too much, or just the right amount of sleep. Theres really no telling with him. Heh.

One of the things that I feel that I should change (and its completely open to debate, so feel free to tell me not to) is my personality. Ive been told several times that Im incredibly arrogant, conceeded and self absorbed. I dont see where people get this stuff really. I know I joke about things of that nature alot, but I dont mean any of it. I always thought I had a great personality. I mean, you guys seem to enjoy it nearly as much as I do.

I wish I could change my appearance. I personally know Im not the model male that women want and for the longest time felt that that set me apart from everyone else. I have my own style, I suppose. But since I feel ugly, then I must be ugly, right?

Im really looking forward to this weekend, however. I cant wait to just hang out with Amanda, Landon, Flint, and Dentina, whose illness keeps him from enjoying the sweet sweet necture of the gods provided for us. Im sorry Denton. I hope that maybe you guys will make it to where I dont feel like a fucking piece of shit that will never amount to anything.
 
L

Lull

New Member
#32
#32
I have faith... ohkay, no I dont.

Boy am I in a pickle.

Ive become somewhat romantically involved with a girl. I guess you could say it was against my will. I didnt intentionally do it. Just there was a huge mental attraction to her. I guess its because shes smart. Not like, intelligent, but in the fact that she understands things... how things work and what makes the world go around. Im sure you get my drift. Shes been treated really badly in the past and has some trust issues... I guess its hard to trust someone when everyone else has lied to you. Im not like that, and I have to prove that to her.

Saturday night was rather interesting. Me and several friends got some great Scotch and cheap Vodka and proceeded to waste ourselves. After about 2 hours of drinking, my interest's boyfriend comes over. Now, no one likes the guy, so he is somewhat unwelcome. Any way. So, were sitting there inebriated and having fun. My interest scoots over to me and we talk about things and in the heat of the moment I tell her that I have some type of feelings for her. A huge mental attraction to her. She tells me that if she wasnt with the guy that shes with now, shed be with me. That she wishes she had met me sooner so we could be together. She kisses me several times on the cheek and once on the lips. I felt great. This is the first girl that Ive been mentally attracted to since me and my ex broke up. I cant bring myself to be with someone based simply on physical attraction alone so finding someone that Im mentally attracted to really suprised me, but I was kicking myself in the ass for being attracted to someone who was already with someone else. She even kissed me that night as well... argh.

That night, her and her boyfriend break up. He tells her that hes gay and cant be with her any more. Shes really really upset. I sit out side with her for a while and she cries in my arms. She gets incredibly upset and then just goes off on her own, leaving me and her brother and friends to worry about her. She comes back and just wants to be alone. I didnt know what to do. After a few hours I sit and talk to her and at around 6 in the morning take her to town and buy her a pack of cigarettes to help calm her down. On the drive up there she holds my hand. On the drive up there when shes bawling in tears I still manage to make her laugh. I hope I did the right things. We get back and I talk to her one last time, and thats it.

I dont know what to do now. Im so fucking confused. I feel like Im taking advantage of her and thats something I absolutley CANT do. I cant manipulate people. I wont bring myself to do it.

Gypsy told me some great things to help me through all this though shell still have to remind me what all it was nexttime around. I cant remember it now in my hectic state of mind.

Im nervous more than anything. I cant mess this one up.
 
L

Lull

New Member
#33
#33
Life, submissiveness, hypnotizing the ignorant a little boys best friend is always his mother, atleast thats what she said. The life of a simply man is taught that everyone else is DIRTY and that love is meaningless.

I am soiled.

It is five oclock in the morning. I am up and sick from cheap wine, emotionally drained, still a little drunk, and tired. I cant sleep. Whatever forces at work tonight wont let me get a bit of it save for small moments in space and time.

Cherie... I wish you were online right now. I could use an ear to talk to.

I completely and absolutely hate myself. I am in a life of absolutes. I am simply absolute. In all honesty that is exactly how I feel right now. Im not suicidal. Im not depressed. I can honestly say that, after looking back on how Ive done things over the years... I am disgusted in myself. For the past few months Ive gone back to meditation and stoicism. Other than telling and laughing at jokes, I dont show emotion. I ignore feelings and, for the better part of the past 6 months, Ive done quite well for myself. I wish I handled recent events better. I let depression get to me and it got to me really bad tonight. No, Im not upset because of anyone else. Im pissed of because Im getting depressed again and I shouldnt. Ive taught myself not to and Ive told myself that to be so is pathetic. To be depressed makes me worthless. To be depressed makes me a fucking piece of shit.

And no, Im not depressed over a specific person or persons. I think I was down because such a flurry of emotions came over me at once that I was confused, that I didnt know what to do with each and everyone one of them and in the end, I thought one was another and made a mistake.

NOt many of you know, but I was engaged for quite a while. The final straw in the relationship was that I was manipulative. But the one that killed the whole relationship was that I took a feeling I had as something else and was dreadfully wrong about it. I payed the price for being naive and stupid. I was the same a few days ago and I payed the price in feeling like shit.

I get what I deserve.

Im simply absolute.
 
L

Lull

New Member
#34
#34
Im a gangsta!

Today was so bad that it was great! No, seriously, it was and I am positive that I probably will not witness another day like this for quite some time so I will enjoy it by God.

Me and Denton are sitting on my couch and enjoying the scenery (read: the television). Random people call him, and he then calls over to Flints to talk to Kayla. This turns into something that pretty much requires us to go to Flints. We make the long drive over there in a record breaking 29 minutes and then we sit. Of course, Im in my own little world brooding over something else while Denton and Kayla stare back and forth, giggle, and prance about.

On our way to Sir Flints castle, Denton and I discussed the situation at hand, how he would handle it, what he would say, and how the outcome would hopefully, well, come out. We get there and all of that is completely washed away in a typhoon of confusion, shyness and giddy school girl esque laughter.

So, we are sitting there. I brood over something completely off topic as the two love birds confirm their feelings for each other yet do not act upon them. Basically -- Denton wouldnt break the ice. While I cant completely blame him since, well, this was really the first time he was ever in a situation, I dont feel that it was something that he couldnt handle. Eventually, though, I moved behind the couch, spoke and moved his mouth up and down for him. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this WAS a joke.

"As the sunlight gleams down upon your hair it splashes into a halo of light and I cant help but be reminded of the words of Karl Marx and Dofsky Esky -- I fancy you!"

Corny, yes. Funny, none the less and it did eventually get the ball moving. While the entire process of continuously broken up by giggling followed by "Oh hes so cute!" it eventually made its way to the end when Denton squeezed out "Yes, I do quite fancy you." All was not well, however. While he got that out, things were still at a stand still.

Now, I swear to Me (IE: God) that I had thought the entire thing was done with, but NOPE, there was still more. So, in a fit of exhaustion and worry over Denton getting back to Co-Lin in time, I move in, ask Kayla if she fancies Denton. She says yes, Denton replies with the same, and I retort by pulling the two closer together and declaring the day official. Then, we scramble.

We run out the door to get Denton back to CoLin so he can be in the Wesson parade, but with a quick look at the clock and a nod from Denton, we decide that "fuck it" and well stay the extra moments. Amanda and Kayla run about getting ready for Amanda's part in the parade as I and Denton stand there, as usual, with a dumb founded and confused look on our faces.

Great, no?

So yea, now Denton is a line and no longer apart of the ray. Sad, yes, but at the same time I am boundlessly happy for my brother in that he is happy now; that he has one of the things hes felt he needed for quite sometime. One down, Two to go. Best of luck to you, Denton.

So, Flint, what are we to do? We are the sole survivors of the ray, my friend. Are we to sit in our puddle of self loating forever or will we, for some reason only I (IE: God) knows, eventually make it out? This is well beyond my comprehension! You know my situation, I know yours! Best of luck to us both then, perhaps?

Theres nothing to brood on for me now, though. Thank you, Kayla, for telling me that my fears are pretty much nothing more than tripe and that Flint is obviously right. If you dont know what IM talking about, then ingore it and Ill tell you later.

Adieu.

Current Music is On by Aphex Twin
 
L

Lull

New Member
#35
#35
These past few weeks have really be quite the oddity.

The girl I was incredibly interested in... well, it didnt work out. I thought I got the same old same old "I want you as a friend" bullshit that guys like me normally get... but it wasnt like that. It was sincere. I was drunk, though, when I talked to her about it, so I think I came off as really fucking pathetic. The night ended, though, with us making out. I dont really consider myself that great of a kisser... I dont know how to do it, never been taught, and I dont know what is the best thing to do. All I know is though, that I had her rubbing and moaning for atleast two hours after it. Its completely platonic, though... No emotional attatchment, but I think she thinks there is for me.

So... yeah.

I dont know if I should look for someone or not. I still miss having a significant other... but when I look, I never find. Maybe I should just stop and let the chips fall where they may?

I dont know.

If I didnt have my sushi with me right now, I think Id be dead.

Oh, and that post about being engaged... was a lie. Yeah, I was engaged, but the end wasnt my fault. She cheated on me, lied... I cant blame this on myself any longer.

Current Music is Lift Your Skinny Fists like Antennas to Heaven (album) by Godspeed you Black Emperor.
 
L

Lull

New Member
#36
#36
My band is back.

Track list for upcoming gig on the 29th. We are going to cover a bunch of stuff, sadly, but itll be in our style music.

No Quarter - Tool version. The Zep version sucks.
Give Me Shelter - Stones
Requiem for a Dream Theme
One of our Own Songs

Yee.

Thats a good 30 minutes of rocking out.

Me - Guitar, Violin, Tape Manipulation
Friend - Guitar
Friend - Bass
Friend - Cello
Friend - Violin
Friend - Synth
Friend - Piano
Friend - Vocals
 
L

Lull

New Member
#38
#38
Boris likes alot of little things to kiss.

Thats it. I think Im going to make a cut off point of atleast 20 or 21 years of age. It seems that women before that age are complete morons still obsessed with the idea that they can party all night, sleep all day, and will find a man that supports their ever growing need for some luxury item that they dont deserve. Really. I need an idealistic woman and by Me (God), All the local 18 and 19 year olds just arnt it. Listen, Mister, but this is how its going to be. Im a Romantic fucking Idealist. See all that crap that they do in chick flicks? Yeah, I do that shit to, AND MEAN IT EVEN! Yeah, I know, odd concept isnt it?

My buddy Matt juggled the idea of introducing me to a very attractive and nice woman. The catch? She has a child. Shes 23, but I can only wonder when she had the little bugger. From what Ive gathered, the chap is maybe 2 years old. Was it an accident? Probably yes. Was she married and now divorced or is the dad some fuck off? Dunno. I cant say that Im not a little restrained about it, but if I decide to meet her then Im sure Ill be ohkay. Its just a kid, for Me's (God) sake. I like chaps and thank Me (God) its not my own.

Ive been sick with a devastating stomach virus as of late and am not totally over it. So what does that mean? It means Ive been up for three days straight because of stomach pains and vomiting. Oh, not to mention the fact that it makes me feel as if I have been working my ass off for these three days. My entire body aches all over. Ugh.

So, I just sit here and mutter "Cant sleep, Clown will eat me." Not much, but it gets the job done.

Whats worse about being sick and ridden with insomnia is that others can still sleep! Im up at seven in the morning, minding my own business and what not... Watching early morning television and the like. No one is on AIM and those that are are idle... meaning the fuckers went to sleep on me. So I sit here thinking of funny away messages I could leave them to stumble across when they come too, but nothing comes to me. Sigh. Atleast HBO decided to bless me with a showing of A Nightmare Before Christmas. Too bad this is the day after and that nothing else is on. Gleaming the Cube is looking rather appetizing right now. *shiver*

Im currently weighing two decisions right now.

1> Do I go spend the weekend at my sisters? I mean, Id love to spend time with her. I miss her, alot. Shes really the only person who understands me in this family. Shes the only open minded person who shares the same blood as I do. I only fear her dog. But the rewards for visiting are plenty. Hanging out with a great person. Check. Doing kick ass stuff with said person. Check. Sushi! Check. Maybe meeting some of her *cough* 20 - 25 year old friends? *cough cough*. Thats last on my list, by the way, so take that accusing look off of your face! The smugness is un bearable! Ohkay, ohkay. Ill take that off my list and just leave it there as a hope. There, you happy?

2> Go to Natchez. Why? Under the Hill is great. Biscuits and Blues is great. Having a great time with Denton, Steph, and Amanda is great. That, and Denton has Eddie Izzard on DVD and says the French stuff is to die for, so I definitly want to see that piece of material. Choices choices. Oh, and if I go to Natchez Ill also go to Landons for an after Christmas Christmas party. I probably dont have to tell you what happens then.

The last night before I came home for the holidays was probably the best and worst thing in the world. Best in that from three A.M. to around 7 A.M. a person that I sorta have a small amount of dislike against was sick as a dog from drinking too much. I feel bad for her, really, but hell. She got drunk. Thats what happens when you drink way too much and the noises she was making was just too much! Im worried, however, because I left a pint of vodka in the room. The land lord said that he would come in and check on things while we were gone and Im worried he may stumble across it. I know he knows we have alcohol there. He walked in to introduce himself one night and a gallon of red label was sitting on the table. I was scared out of my wits, needless to say, but he went about his business and I can honestly say that I did not play it cool. I acted like a guilty idiot. He had to have known. But if he finds the empty, he would have had to have gone through our things, which is a big no no, and if he finds it, Ill simply tell him its going to be used for flowers. Gay room mate likes flowers. There. The perfect excuse.

The night was also horrible in that I was woken up at 1 A.M. by a horrible moaning sound. I soon found out that it was Landon receiving oral sex from some one. My best guess was that said girl was the giver... but Landon has been known to get a little too friendly when hes drunk so I cant really rule out J.Q. (Jim the Queer, and yes, he gave himself that name).

I had the stomach virus. For three days Ive battled it, and now I think Im getting over it. Yesterday morning at around 5 A.M. my brother caught it. Today? My father. Mum, watch out. This virus is a crafty one!



Currently listening to Boris by The Melvins
 
L

Lull

New Member
#39
#39
*chuckle*

Im sorry, Gypsy, but I always have to laugh when someone messes up their comuters like that.

The registry cant be fully deleted. It has security protection to stop that from happening, though various virii can delete several crucial key's that are essential to Windows to operate.

Maybe a chap got into it, perhaps?

Did you download anything with a .reg extension? Those overwrite the registry hives and keys and can cause mucho damage.

*pets his Mac*

Though I normally dont have this problem because I despise Windows and use MacOS and Linux instead. Oh well.

Sorry to hear the "lose".

Today, however, I get my Wisdom Teeth removed and an highly anticipating the novacaine.
 
L

Lull

New Member
#40
#40
THe sound of the dice and the music in the air... Im a gambling boogie man, though I dont play fair. Its much more fun I must confess when lives are on the line. Not mine, of course, But yours.

Long night, long day. My feet are cold and Im suffering from coughing fits at regular intervals. Im confused, as usual, but Ill live. Today has been odd. Denton was suffering from his first alcohol induced sickness. I dont think of him as a child, but I most certainly did have to parent him about today. I do it because I care, not to belittle. He survived and is now recooperating in the shower. We knew this day would come.

Denton bought me a watch. Its just something small... but It was very thoughtful and kinda hit home. I dunno, Ive been questioning my life as of late -- that are my friends really my friends or is it all an illusion put on by my over active imagination. The watch brought me back to Earth and hanging out with Landon last night kept me there. I guess the watch kinda let me know that the same feelings that I have for him are shared... Things with Flint two months ago brought me a bit closer to the realization... but now I think Im finally understanding what Im in with this... Everything is ohkay. Everything is fine and I shouldnt worry anymore. I wont lie; when I first met Landon, Jim (BJ), and Delsey I was kinda... I dunno, I felt very alienated from them. Now, however, I consider them good friends as well as JQ, Mike, and whomever's name escapes me right now. They are very important people to me in my life right now and I hope they stay in it for long time coming.

I plan on writing a good deal of music for the upcoming months. Smile will be on its feet even if I have to drag it there by myself. Hopefully me, Flint, Denton, and Greg will be allowed to sit down and actively work on some things in the upcoming weeks. That would do some great help.
Landon's new room mate isnt that bad a fella. Hes from a different world, however (Seattle) and I think hes just taken aback by how things are done here. After talking with him and hanging out for a bit he seems ohkay. Hes somewhat into the things we are so that means he must watch Eddie Izzard one night as well as enjoy a festive night of exhubrences and spirits.
I saw Stevie today. She was looking and sounded wonderful. Brought back feelings I had for her not too long ago... but as she said, it pretty much cant be anything more than friendship and thats that.

Hopefully the night tonight is good and yeilds fruitful. Amanda will watch either Nightmare Before Xmas or Eddie Izzard. My vote is for the latter over the former. Eddie is just so mind numbingly great that I feel it is wrong to deprive anyone of his good graces.

I carry my D&D dice around with me all the time now... I playfully throw them while yelling about my chances with something such as getting extra cheese on my sandwich at the cafe or if Ill get out of homework the next morning. Kinda like that guy on Batman.

But, the thought for the day is:

Should I feel worthless forever?

The End.

Current Music is the Theme for Requiem for a Dream
 
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