Proud Leader of the Southern Nihilistic Front

[Lull]

When you are suffering, know that I have betrayed you.

Just a couple of things to announce for you all, and I mean no offense by anything of this.

1> I write this ( and any subsequent ) journal for myself, not for you. I greatly appreciate those who read it and provided me with feed back, both good and bad. Any adivce is taken, positive or negative. What I dont appreciate is someone bitching about what I say with nothing to back it up. I received several PM's simply stating that Im wrong about several things in my last journal. This excludes you, Miss Gypsy, who provided well mannered feedback and insight into the situation.

2> I try to answer any and all PM's politely. I apologize for not getting to some promptly.

3> Some of you may not understand my journal stylings. Think of my journals as chapters, not one entire story. When one chapter is done, it ends, and another begins, thus, the next name. You can probably guess the nature of the journal by title alone.

4> I encourage you all to continue reading my journal, if not for your own pleasure, but for the fact that maybe for you older ladies and gentlemen, I can spark some type of nostalgia in you. I mean, you only go through crisis once in life, and Im sure that some of you can happily chuckle when remembering your own self in the same situation.

5> If you want to know anything about me, IE job, interest, hobbies, etc etc etc, then PM. Some of you asked that I make it certain in my journal. I write my journal in spurts of creativity or melancholy or what have you and my "statistics" are not the first thing on my mind. Im more than happy to have a teet a teet with any of you privatly, where I can devote more time to questions and answers.

6> This is chapter 2 in the Lull "saga". Yes. Saga. Let me have my fun with it and pretend, ohkay?

7> Sometimes Ill post a current music, book, passage, or movie at the end of my entries. These arnt exactly what I am currently reading/listening to, but are great references to how I feel at the given moment. So if I list something soft and gentle, then Im obviously feeling so. If I list something abrasive or creepy, well, you get the drift. I urge you to hear or read the things I list. Maybe youll be introduced into something new?

8> Enjoy and please, if any of this offended you, remind yourself that it is not ment to do so, and that I personally hope that you continue to read my adventures through life.



Current Music - Play that Funky Music White Boy by Wild Cherry

 

[Lull]

This apple tastes funny...

I dont think that my cat likes me very much any more. She mews when I pick her up and stares off into the distance wide eyed and wild. When I put her down and release her, however, she stands there and goes about her cat business, whatever that may be. It is hard to understand her. She was born with a variable degree of brain damage, smaller than normal lungs and head, which makes it look as if she has huge bulbous eyes. She has pretty eyes, though. Both her body and tail are longer than what an average cat would have and shes getting fat.

She has a large ammount of personality for a cat. She has so many traits that Ive never seen in an animal that its scary. She eats dinner when I do. She watches me eat and when Im in the room with her bowl and look down at her, she then beings to eat from her dish.

I think the brain problems are becoming more apparant, though. She spazzes out sometimes as if she doesnt know where she is.

But back to the main point.

I think Im passing off my lonlyness to her. For those of you that have read <a href="http://www.improvisation.ws/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7967">the previous chapter</a> know what Im refering to.

I believe its fair to say that Ive loved and lost as well as have gotten over it which leads me to begin to look out for women that interest me.

This is hard, however, for I am a picky guy. Picky when it comes to relationships. Not picky when it comes to casual sex.

I wont date someone who I cant talk to.

To be brutally truthful, I hate women who are easily manipulated. I need a woman that argues her views with me, one that doesnt always do what is in my best interest, but one who does what she feels is right. Someone into the arts and politics (Democratic helps, for I hate alot of democrats and its fun to argue about them with one). I dont want a simple woman. I want one that is willing to work, get a job. I want one that is emotionally attatched but isolated at the same time.

My first long time relationships was with a girl who loved me miles more than I could ever love her... and it drove me nuts. I need my free time and she couldnt give it to me. It was my senior year at highschool and Id see her all day long. I got home, shed call and if I didnt talk to her all afternoon shed have some type of emotional break down... I dunno.

I do know that it causes me to be very aware of what I am getting into.

But yes, now that Im single again, Ive found that its very easy to look at a woman, talk to her, and the judge on what type of relationship Id like to have with her. Of course, feelings change, but generally it flucuates from long term, short term, and friendship. A friendship could quickly turn to a long term relationship and vice versa.

Notice that I didnt say enemy/non friend. I dont like having enemies. I come across a few, but I try not to. I dont dont base assumptions simply on what someone does for a living. Id like to get to know said person first. So, if youre a porn star I dont think youre a slut. Ill have to wait and meet you personally to do so. But Id never date you. Porn is a big turn off.

I also prefer women older than me... Young girls generally dont know what they want on an emotional and sexual level and I need someone to know what they want.

But, so far...

Ive met this lovely young woman. It would never work... on multiple levels. Shed never date me, my parents would never approve, and shes probably going to move to France soon.

Shed never date me becase, well, even though we are acquaintences, we got off to a bad foot.

We both worked as journalists. Part of all journalists job is to make sure that someone doesnt submit something thats already been done, or being done. She was new and made lots of mistakes.

This is before my getting to know someone ideals, so I assumed she was an idiot.

Straight and to the point, and I feel she has some resentment from it.

My parents would approve because shes interracial. Not white and black, but black and vietnamese. My dad was in Vietnam and is a rabid southern baptist.

Im sure you get my drift.

She formerly lived in Fance and will most likely go back.

So, there you go.

First interest in a month since the break up, and it isnt working. Im not hearbroken over it or anything but it reminds me of how lonely I have become.



Current Music - Towers of Dub by the Orb

 

[Lull]

(Warning, post was written in a sleepy state. Please excuse blatant spelling errors)

Hurricane Lili hit earlier this afternoon. I dont know if I was prepared for it or not, but I was most happy to learn that college was cancelled for today. It hit hardest maybe around one in the afternoon, but the entire morning was black as night.

Its about Ten at night now and the rain is kicking in again...

Even though it was more powerful than Isodore, I bore Isodores wrath. My walls were not adequetly sealed and Isodore flooded my room with her onslaught of rain. Stinky room from the mildew in the floor matts. Ick. I spent the 3 nights after that on a pull out bed that caused me to wake up incredibly stiff in the mornings.

I dont want to go to college tomarrow either, but I suppose Ill live. I only have one class, and the rest of the time will probably be filled with hours upon hours of Alien Versus Predator 2 on the dorm LAN.

Being in college is very... I dont know... I have alot of easy access to everyones files. THey openly share everything that they have. If I ever need a paper I can easily steal one from someone else. Its not data theft if they openly share it, is it?

My friend Mike loves it. He got a gig of pornography yesterday simply from other members.

You can lose your net access for downloading porn from the web, so he takes advantage of this by getting it from a third party.

Mike, you dog.

I dont know how to describe my friendship with Mike. I guess you can say our friendship is a catalyst for our arguements. Everything I like, he hates, and vice versa. We never get upset over it, but it always brings intelligent arguements between us... usually abou computers, Glide, and OpenGL.

My other friend, Denton, is alot like me, save hes skinnier and wears better clothes. We crack the same jokes and have the exact same sense of humor. I thought he was homosexual when I first met him. He had a black and grey plaid beret on with knee high navy socks. Very odd.

Hes not, but Mike and Mikes female friends discuss his sexuality.

My theory is that they all secretly want to have sex with Denton, but what do I know about these things? All I know is that a good friend of mine has a friend that has a crush on Denton, and the crusher is a guy. Denton is aware of this and, from what I understand, is quite flattered. I guess I would be too. Ive only been hit on once or twice by the same sex... I suppose I was quite big headed after it happened... I mean, I rarely attract anyone, much less other males.

Speaking of attraction...

I always found it weird that I couldnt get a girlfriend my own age, but if I ever wanted to be a pedophile, I had droves of little girls waiting in line. No, Im not a pedofphile, so you can let your children go free. I just always found it odd... Id walk past some little girls that know me in Walmart or some place similar and as I walked away, Id hear giggles and "oh my gosh hes so cute! His beard is so hot!"... I never new my beard had any effect on women... or anyone for that matter and I am most certainly not that cute. The beard is there to hide my face.

I pride my computers, though. I enjoy coding in HTML and such... Java is my fave thing to do right now... too bad Sun Inc is dying. But I pride my 500MHz Mac G3 and my AMD Athlon PC.

My dream is to have a really kick ass system for a Mac and PC sitting side by side.

Thats a crap goal in life, I know, but it will have to do right now.

SOmetimes I wish that I had that lyrical prowess that those daring men on television do. YOu know, the kind that can get a woman to fall in love with him just by talking to her. Of course, I TRY these things, but either theres something about me that doesnt work, Im doing it wrong, or TV has lied to me.

Please TV, dont lie to me.

Current Music - Random songs from the White Album by the Beatles.

 

[Lull]

DIE STUPID THING DIE!

I spend most of my time in college, ironically, out of college in Dentons dorm playing Never Winter Nights. Slaying zombies is my class and evil is my teacher, for I am the mighty neutral fighter Dukk Tsarith, one whom makes evil tremble in a single glance.

Ohkay, Im lying. Im only like... level four with some decent weaponry and armor. My mercenary dies constantly, doesnt heal herself very often and me even less. She weilds a fance two bladed sword, however, but I guess it doesnt help if she cant uses it. It did, howewver, convince me that she was the person I need to fight the droves of the undead and escaped prisoners controlled by the Intelect Devourer.

Ooo

I talked to my ex a small bit last night... or was it the night before? ... I dont remember. But we talked for a small moment. Im a very joking person who has a strange sense of humor, you see, but I always cut really dry humor jokes all the time.

Its great when there are people intelligent enough to get them, wordly enough to know what Im talking about, and, in turn, laugh at said joke, but its horrible when Im in the room with a bunch of kids who are idiots. They dont laugh, the ask for me to explain the joke, and as a whole are completely clueless about whats going on.

They would NEVER get the muffin joke.

But my sense of humor isnt a total mystery. I find slap stick comedy such as the Three Stooges incredibly funny. I also find cartoons funny and even though Im a "mature adult", I still watch my faves, which are currently South Park, Spongebob Squarepants, and when I can catch reruns of them, Invader Zim, Angry Beavers and Ren and Stimpy.

All of these shows show an incredible amount of "thinking jokes". You know, those that little children who the show is written for just wont get. I also appreciate the multitude of sexual innuendo's in them... Of course South Park is excluded. Its outright with hits sexual nature.

I catch myself responding to what somone says with a joke only for it to occur to me that it was an "in" joke that probably only I would get. I feel bad, or rather guilty because I find somethings incredibly humorous and am forced to leave my friends out simply because they just wouldnt get it... That or it would simply be too embarassing on my part.

I like telemarketers.

They call not knowing what they are in for. Once I know who they are calling for, I generally strike up a conversation with them, attempting to see how knowledgeable they are of the product they are selling. If that fails then I attempt to get them to say "bad" things about it in hopes that the conversation would be one of those infamous recorded ones. If all else fails then I ask them to redirect me to customer service so I can complain about constantly receiving phone calls well after I asked for no more, or bought the product.

That usually kills the phone sex and I never get another call.

I sometimes want to feel bad for those poor telemarketers but quickly remind myself that they chose this job and must face the consequences.

One thing that I do want to try one day is what happened in the book "The Perks of being a WallFlower". Im not going to tell you what happened in it because I want to force you to go buy the book. Its a well written story with a fresh look on life from the eyes of a child plagued with problems. As I said, I wont tell you what he does to rather unsuspecting woman on the phone but I will tell you that it is similar to the scene that I described to you a few lines up.

So yes, go buy it. Barnes and Noble will have it.

Current Music - Ageispolis by Aphex Twin

 

[Lull]

I try not to force myself to write when I dont have the urge to do so. WHen I do, it comes out very forced and generally isnt well thought out. Grammar is rather atrocious as well as spelling and linear thought, so Im thinking god right now is not one of those times. I really dont have much to write about, but I feel like writing. Fear not, though, for I have one or two subjects vrewing in my head.

I had an incredibly odd dream last night. I was at my grandfathers house being chased around by a man with a horses head. I dont understand the symbolism with this, nor do I really care about it. First rule of dreams to a psychologist is that the most obvious answer to what a dream means is the wrong answer, so I generally try to not think about them. Musing over them brings answers that are wrong. Its like a test that you cant pass, I suppose.

My love for video games is beginning to flourish again. I played Tekken 4 on my friends Playstation 2 and believe that Ill pick it up when I can. Im not a big fan of the Tekken series. To be honest, Ive been a bigger fan of the Tekken series "rival" Virtua FIghter.

I dont think it would hurt me too much to play Tekken 4, though.

Im not a big fan of actual wrestling but the games, however, are incredibly enjoyable. They allow someone to create a game persona and add their own move lists, clothing, music, and other things, and then play them out. Pretty fun.

Ive been a huge fan of RPG's for the longest time but Ive faltered from it RPG's have been in a rut lately, with every game mimicking the other some how, some way, but there are some really promising titles coming out in the next few months. Star Ocean 3 for the Playstation 2, Suikoden 3 for the PS2 as well, Zelda on the GameCube, Fable on the Xbox... I thank god that I already have all three systems. I received one as a gift, bought the other, and won the third. Arnt I lucky?

I didnt get a promotion today, though I felt that I would. I dont feel bad for not getting it, really because the person who did was just as deserving. I suppose its not that bad, though. I wouldnt get any other benefits other than being higher up on the chain. My time will come one day, though, so Ill be patient.

Ew... there are so many comma splices in this journal entry.

On my way to get some dinner tonight I saw a dead cat on the side of the road. I dont like that at all. Cats are gentle creatures and dont deserve to be run down. I wonder why some people get off to being able to kill something that is relativly defensless. I have a cat. I couldnt imagine my cat, Miss Kitty, to ever die. Shes way to joyful in life. I can only assume, however, that she likes doing whatever it is that cats do. I assume this simply because she does these things over and over and most certainly doesnt have to.

My friend Matt and I mused over reincarnation late last night. We both decided that if we ever came back that we would want to be cats. The house to ourselves and a multitude of hiding places available to use for hiding from the family children. Being an elderly persons cat is even better. They feed and pet all day long. Like Garfield and Jon Arbuckles mother.

Ill leave it at that...




Current Music is Nannou by Aphex Twin

 

[Lull]

DONT TOUCH IT! ITS THE HISTORY ERASER BUTTON YOU FOOL!

Ive been talking to a friend of mine probably all night long now.

Im not much of a chatter, really, but this one friend of mine... well, we can just pretty much talk about any and everything. He lives in Seattle right now and is going through hard times. The company he works for is out of money and he goes weeks without a paycheck. I really look up to the guy. He says when he gets the cash he is going to start his own programming business and hire me. Huzzah, I say. Its alot better than gong to work for AOL in Florida. When I graduate, AOL will relocate me to St. Petersburg. Its a beautiful city. I was there recently, but its just not me. Im perfectly happy where I am. I have easy access to New Orleans, a city which feeds my curiosity for literature and music. Ill be damned if I can ever find another copy of the Book of Law, or 777 in hard back any where else. What other city has proprioters openly sell 1970's copies of Playboy?

You get my drift.

I love New Orleans' ambience. Not the French Quarter, but the surrounding suburbs. Everyone generally minds their own business. It is, however, one of my dreams to have a flat in the middle of Bourbon Street. The only problem that lies with that is Mardi Gras. I hate Mardi Gras. Its a parade. Yay. Mayberry and Andy Griffith got a damn parade. Its not that big of a deal. Of course, I can see why the local pervert wants to go. Crowds of women willing to let you fondle and see breasts for something as simple as beads is the local molesters wet dream.

But if Mardi Gras is your thing, more power to you. Just dont ask me to go. Too much noise, too many people.

Im a recluse.

Im an artist.

I concentrate on life and what I see and absorb it all. Crowds arnt that bad, but drunken, hazy, smelly crowds are. I dont think I can count how many times Ive been to Mardi Gras and witnessed a rape. Its a disgusting act of power and I one day hope that the female (or male, in one case) rips off the mans testicles and shoves them in his mouth.

Id be prone to help her and cheer her on if I ever saw that.

Have you ever seen the flats around Bourbon? Beautiful. The buildings are old and look as if they would fall to pieces if given the chance. Some overlook the New Orleans Cemetary. Its a beautiful view. The fog rolls over it in early mornings which sets a very creepy tone for the entire day.

I cant help but think of the movie "This House is Condemned" when I think of New Orleans, especially the house that Robert Redford and his lover buy. Too bad that movie had such a sad ending.

But, back to Seattle.

Yeah, Id move to Seattle. I mean, it snows on the beaches. Im a Southern Boy. Ive seen snow maybe four times total in my many, many years. A few years ago, when I was maybe 17, it snowed one night. It was a light snow, but it was enough to get me incredibly excited. As I stated earlier, four times is a small number and three of those were when I was too young to really do anything about it. But now Im older and (hopefullly) wiser... Not to mention I live on two acres of flat pasture land. If it snows here... Oooooo... it will be ripe for the picking. For Christ's sakes, I could build my own SnowMan... and name it even! Leopold the Snow King!!!

But alas. Im stuck in the deep south where 40 degree weather is considered incredibly cold.

It saddens me really.





Current Music is Return Trip by Electric Wizard

 

[Lull]

Theres a ghost outside my window.

Theres a small group of people at a place I work part time for, who are trying to get me fired. Small group of people, but people none the less. I dont know what they are trying to do. I think they feel that if they complain enough to the bosses that Ill be done away with. Silly, I say, because Ive already been told by upper management that I have their full support, that they feel I do a good job, and all the workers and people below me as well think I do a stellar job. I dont know what their problem is, to be honest, but I know who it is. They dont think I do, but I do and I know because they told people who are very close friends of mine. Silly, isnt it?

I guess they may come across this and somehow find out it was me who wrote this and then, of course, deny my right of free speech and try to censor me, use my words against me, and once again try to get me fired.

Its silly.

They constantly insult me, but the moment I retort they go running to upper management. Its like they have small wires or tape-recorders on them, but turn them off when they themselves break the very rules they say I do...

I have a high position in the management scale, I should say, and some of my methods are a little... uncommon. I believe in small punishment for wrong doing, eventually resulting in something big if it keeps up, and then giving people second chances, therefore, when someone does something wrong they generally get a scolding.

Oh well.

Im trying to get a few pounds off. Im generally starving myself and eating after my stomach stops aching. I had Krystals for lunch today, though, which was pretty much a big hack against the cause, but Ill be fine. Salad for dinner with a huge glass of Kentwood Purified Water.

Delicious.

I finally received a copy of If This is Hell Then I Am Lucky by Deadboy and the ElephantMen. They are a local folk rock band that spawned from death metal.

Odd, isnt it?

Its true, however, and they pull it off very well. Dax Riggs, the lead singer, has a very personal voice that, to be quite frank, is very original in that someone wont hear something similar very often... atleast In my field of music experience... and believe me. Its a broad feild. Large enough, in fact, you could raise a few dozen cow herds happily.

I enjoy alot of music, to put it simple.

My CD/vinyl collection is massive. In my CD case youll find Belle and Sebastion right next to Cannible Corpse, Pantera, and to throw a curve ball, Bach. Youll find folky stuff such as DeadBoy right next to the ambience of Aphex Twin and Brian Eno. Resting beside my Electric Wizard and EYEHATEGOD CD's is King Crimson and Nine Inch Nails... I believe you get my point, correct?

It is in my blood to see as many live shows as I can. I regret to say that I cant see all I want. I have to save up for the big ones, mainly, because there are many "big" shwos that I really must see. Tool, for example, is going to play in Baton Rouge LA and Biloxi MS soon. I have to go to those shows. My very soul demands it of me. Im not totally aware of who the opening show belongs to. I can only assume that its no one that I care for, or otherwise I would have known by now. I know for certain that its not King Crimson nor The Melvins, two bands that formerly opened for Tool.

Oh well.

Back to counting my pennies.




Current Music is The Fool; The Meddling Idiot by the Melvins

 

[Lull]

The melancholy of a poet hovers above my heart.

 

[Lull]

This past week has been fairly hectic, really. I havnt gotten enough sleep, the days have been hard, and the afternoons hot and nearly unbearable. I am lucky enough, however, to receive an extra two days break this week from School and work. Saturday, I may go back to work again for a day, but I may as well go help my friend Matthew move into his new house.

Monday was ohkay, however it was very long. I had trouble getting my English papers from the school website so I am a bit worried that Ill be counted absent for that day. I was also called into the Tech Center office because a webpage I had visited had a link to a porn site. Come on guys... I didnt go to the porn site and the link was there because it helps pay for the site I did go to. Cut me some slack.

And they did.

Tuesday was a mixed bag. I passed my Op Plat test with a 110%, but I didnt get the target grade for my level, which is 115%. I failed the part about editing several things in Windows registry. Blast. The Registry already makes things hard enough while using Windows, but now it has to come and haunt me in school as well!

That afternoon was spent playing Alien Vs Predator II for a few hours straight.

The highlight of my evening, however, was when I finally get my D&D campaign set up and ready for a full day of role playing. Church be damned Sunday, Im playing D&D!

I had something incredibly interesting and funny to write out, but I totally forgot.

I guess I can expect my "reader base" to plummet soon since my life has been an incredible bore as of late.



Current Music - For Mom by Buckethead

 

[Lull]

The burning of eyes stretch out and over come me
destroy me with every gaze and with every acknoledgement
the past comes to haunt me
to remind me that Im broken and cold
and that theres nothing left to ignite me into whatever being I formerly was
the pain the hate the fear the sleepless nights stir my memories
and remind me that I miss the comforts in being sad
the feeling of not needing anyone and feeling good about pushing them away
life rushes by like water on glass and reflects what we most truely believe
but i cant look into it for fear of seeing the one thing that i hate







current music is scorn by portishead

 

[Lull]

I was talking to my ex a little bit tonight. She told me that she felt I should konw that shes already started dating someone... a friend of hers that I was aquainted with. I shrugged it off after telling myself that theres nothing I can do, and that its pretty much over for us... Well, I already knew about the latter, but was in denial I should say. I was let down and felt like crying but I decided that I shouldnt. I mean, theres no reason to, really.

YOu can probably tell that Im let down from my typing, however. Im kinda jittery, I should say.

Ill live.

 

[Lull]

That was a good one, God, you really got me tonight.

THe one night I have a heart to heart with a friend of mine about my situation, you know, the whole "Its hard to believe Ill ever find a woman again"speech, my friend breaks in with a phone call asking me if Id date this girl named Raven, who is interested in me. I ask who Raven is, and they tell me. This girl is NOT my type at all. Shes annoying, lazy, and stupid.

Its like:

Me = "Man, I dont think Ill ever find another woman to love me"
God = "Hey Kyle, that girl over there will date you!"
*Kyle looks at girl who hed never be compatible with*

Har fucking Har.

 

[Lull]

You Northerners should envy us down in the South.

You dont have good BBQ.

No, seriously, you guys dont have good BBQ.

Now, unless you live in a place where some greasy guy from Alabama moved to to start a restaurant, then you are really really missing out!

Just felt like sharing.

I recently returned from a trip to Michigan.

 

[Lull]

The frog answered, "I do not care for thy clothes, thy pearls and jewels, or thy golden crown, but if thou wilt love me and let me be thy companion and play-fellow, and sit by thee at thy little table, and eat off thy little golden plate, and drink out of thy little cup, and sleep in thy little bed -- if thou wilt promise me this I will go down below, and bring thee thy golden ball up again."

"Oh yes," said she, "I promise thee all thou wishest, if thou wilt but bring me my ball back again." She, however, thought, "How the silly frog does talk! He lives in the water with the other frogs, and croaks, and can be no companion to any human being!"

 

[Lull]

I have misplaced my folder some where. Normally, I wouldnt care too much as to WHERE it has been misplaced, but since this particular folder had most of my papers from all of my other classes, my English Book, and lots of Psych notes... Im a little worried.

Other than that, Im just peachy fucking keen. Thanks for asking.

Im really tired. Not in the sense of just being worn down, but in the sense that getting 11 hours of sleep last night still wasnt sufficient. I woke up tired, I was tired all day today, and Ill go to sleep tired.

For the past few days... well, weeks to be honest, Ive doubted whether or not my friends really liked me. I guess you could say it is some type of backlash from the rather rough break up from my ex of two years, but then again, Ive had this happen to me before.

I am depressed, though I probably dont act it. I try to keep a positive outlook on life. Walking around dull and dreary just makes things worse for both me and the people around me. I guess Im paranoid, then. Paranoid that Ive been too "clingy" or something, or too imposing. So, Mike, that answers your question.

I had someone message me on AIM tonight saying basically Hey, Remember Me?

No, Im sorry but I DONT know you.

That led to me talking to said persons mother. Mother was worried about who sad person was talking to on the internet. You know, the whole over protective parent scared their child will run away with someone they met on the internet, get raped, and die? Well, that was this mother. And I dont blame her for thinking that. For those of you who know me in person, Im a big and scary bearded guy.

Oh well.

Turns out that "Mother" was the mother of a 14 year old girl that has a crush on me. "Girl" just got off probation from her computer. I was the first person she messaged, Mother was watching and intervened.

I dont mind little girls running around giggling and thinking me as the cutish type. It just gets annoying as hell that I cant get a woman MY age to do the same.

Thank God I havnt gotten the courage up enough to ask out a specific girl that I am interested in. I really need to save myself the embarassment.

Current music is Demon Cleaner by Kyuss

 

[Lull]

Sunshine pears through my hands...

Ive been getting more and more depressed recently. Paranoid as well. Paranoid that my friends really dont like me or laugh at me behind my back. I get so paranoid about it that I acctually asked them about it, what they thought of me, etc etc, and I got the "good responce". What really made me feel good about myself is what my friend Travis told me. He said he respects me and looks up to me because I have opinions on things, stand by my opinion and back them up with facts instead of just simple beliefs. I worry sometimes now of what others think about me. Travis simply told me that others sometimes dont like me because I say things that are very un PC at first, but say it because it gets the point across. I dont mean to offend, but sometimes I do.

I was kicked out of my English Comp class the other day. My missing notebook caused me to not have any materials for my class, which pissed her off to some degree. Someone offered me a notebook to use until I get a new one or find mine and in a responce, held my finger to my lip. That tore it. Teacher just blatantly asked me what my problem was, in which I retorted that "It was just a fucking joke". She asked after class to please calm down (Like I wasnt calm any way) and that shes sorry, blah blah. I guess we are on good terms now, but she stared at me for an oddly long amount of time. I dunno.

But I found my notebook though, with my musings, pens, pencils, papers... oh, and my 70$ English Book.

I got into the <a href="thescreensavers.com">Screen Savers LAN Party</a>. A friend of mine didnt. Yeah, I bragged about it, but well both play my account. Hes much better at some FPS's than me any way... cept for AVP, in which I just fucking own at until he gets into Alice the Mech. Bastard.

I have already heard the entire new Mudvayne album. If you dont know who Mudvayne is, they are a math metal band. Their songs are constructed entirely based on mathematical algorathims and equations. Sounds simple at first, but when deciphering the equations I found out that they are incredibly complex. I guess I should feel guilty for relativly stealing the music off of KaZaA, but I will buy the album when it is released. I dont like stealing, but KaZaA is the only way to find some of the music that I love. I guess record companies dont remember puting albums out of print.

Morons, Im telling you.

I was very happy when I found out that the government was going to bust a few big record companies for Anti Trust problems involving artificially inflating the cost of CD's. Score one for the fans. Ive gotten to where I just cant buy music any more. I DONT have 20 dollars to throw away on a potentially bad album. But the record companies do, thus, saving graces such as KaZaA will eventually be shut down. I guess the RIAA is happy about having Audio Galaxy, the one tool for finding obscure music, shut down. I miss Audio Galaxy. Where else will I find Orange Goblin, Death Cube K, Brian Eno, or King Crimson? No where because the majority of users on KaZaA are too busy with their rap music or Limp Bizkits.

Jesus. I sound like Im 80.

Somone asked me about suicide. It was an "enemy" of mine who just told me to put myself out of misery and kill myself. I guess Ill just live longer now just so I can make his life a living hell.

Ive also been approached about Christianity as well. Id love to be a Christian, but Ive found no reason to do so. Ive never felt that God loves me, nor have I ever felt his presence in my life. Ive been baptized, but for the wrong reasons. I did it because I thought I was a Christian, but being a Christian is more than helping a church with fund raisers and selling candy.

To be honest, I dont feel God, and every day is more reason for me to not believe that hes there. Hes never reached out to me to let me know he cares. Hes never offered me a shoulder to cry on. I cant believe in something that isnt there.




Current Music is A Drug Against War by KMFDM

 

[Lull]

I now have the Metroid Prime demo disk in my possession. Dont ask me how I got it, for Im not su pposed to have it, and I got it legally, mind you.

I can only play for a minute and it then resets... which sucks a big one.

Oh well.

 

[Lull]

Im disgusted... really.

Last night I was informed by a friend of mine that Raven, a girl who has a crush on me, told him to forward to me that she stated that if I were to become her boyfriend, she would sleep with me. Now, I know some guys really like sex and I know some guys date girls for sex, and I have come to realize that sex is the main drive behind alot of things, but this really goes to far. It insults me, really, it does, to think that I am that type of person and to attempt to BRIBE me into a relationship with someone. This disgusts me because she is willing to go that low. What have men and women come to in which sex is an offering for a relationship? I can understand one night stands. Things like that dont bother me in the slightest bit. Two consenting people want to have sex, they do so, and pretty much dont see each other again. But to offer someone sex just to get someone in a relationship? No, sorry, but Im not like that. If I have sex with someone then its because of the above scenario (which is few and far between) or because of the fact that I love that person. I know its a new age in humanity, but I still treat sex as a bond between two people (excluding previous mentioned case) who love each other.

What gets me even more is that this girl has never even talked to me at all. If it wernt for two of my friends, I wouldnt know who she is or anything about her at all. She wants to have sex with me, and all she knows about me is how I look.

I told my friend to let her know that she isnt my type and now shes upset.

Theres nothing I can do.

The Jackass movie was horrible. It had its moments, but when it came down to it, the movie, as a whole, was just a big let down. Knoxville getting shot by the beanbag gun, having his chest bitten by an alligator, and having been put in the hospital by Butterbean are probably the better parts of the film, and believe me, there are some pretty bad parts. Eating snow cones that have been pee'd on and putting Hot Wheels cars in your rectum.



Current Music is Maggot Dream by Death Cube K

 

[Lull]

If it really is me...

I had a rather busy day.

Once again, I get up this morning and have to drag my butt around just so I can get awake. Coffee was of no help for me. The powers of sleep are completely impervious to such quantities of caffine. I require a shower to get up and running. So, I drag around and eat only half my oatmeal... Wasnt very good. I guess I had a semi cold for nothing tasted as it normally would. I wish it had, though. I finished half, as I said, and went hungry until later that afternoon.

College was most exciting, however. I have taken on the challenge to get Denton up every morning for our Networking class. Today, I went about my way and made a schedule. Low and behold as I walk up the stairway to Dentons suite, I notice him clad in a super hero outfit. Denton was no longer Denton, but he was the might Union Jack, protector of the British Replublic. God save the Queen, you know? Eddie Izzard would have been so proud I tell you. Denton boasted a bennie on his head, mask on his face, and a shirt that all portrayed the UK Flag on them. For his magical cape? Why, good old Union Jack itself. Oh, but it doesnt end there, for I was knighted as Paddington, faitful side kick to the British super hero. I tried to coax Denton... err... Union Jack into speaking with a british accent, but he refused to do so. Kinda ruined the fun a bit, but the constant posing for civilians and me flipping his cape about ultimately made the experience all the more better. I suppose it was better than our initial idea of him going in drag and me his pimp, but I wish I had a pipe and bouler with me. That would have made everything complete!

I decided to don my orange shirt and just go as the great pumpkin.

A bearded, scary, great pumpkin.

So uh, yeah.

I was pretty much pleased with my day thus far.

Lunch had begun and me and Union Jack made our way to the school cafeteria. I bought my standard two sandwiches, one with turkey and peppar jack and the other ham and swiss. I wish they had Funjun chips, but they have been out the past few days. I get my bag of Cheetoes, my cup of Sprite, and settle down. Union Jack follows and we begin eating.

Oh, I didnt tell you what happened before that, though, did I? Well, Denton (Union Jack) got alot of death threats... serious death threats from a group of black guys. I guess they did bad in highschool and are here on scholarship from football because they mistook the British Flag for the Rebel flag. Morons. I guess they didnt know the great pumpkin, also known as Paddington, standing next to him.

So, back to lunch.

We enjoy ourselves and laugh at the people who try to look at Union Jack, but then look away. I finish up my sandwiches and just as I go to get another Sprite, a rather pretty girl sits down next to us and starts chatting. Nice, funny young lady, I should say. Though I should get her out of my head, however, for she isnt the type of woman that would ever be interested in me. I, however, found her funny and interesting. She even persuaded me to give her my icecream... I wasnt going to eat it any way, but still. I did get up and get it for her. Bah.

So, throughout lunch me and Union Jack and said young lady are just chatting away. An associate/kinda friend of mine joins us and we joke about politics and what not. Hes gotten me into the Green party, though there will be more on that later. So we chat and Union Jack eyes my friends Corn Poppers. Corn Poppers are these little fried nuggets of corn. Thats probably something else you Northerners dont have. Its great stuff too. Sweat and... corny. Yeah, thatll work. Union Jack uses his powers of wit and charm to obtain two... count them TWO corn poppers from said friend. Thus, Jacks powers were rejuvinated for the Costume Contest later that day.

Psychology? Sucked. We talked and goofed around and I joked with Dr. Brawley. Jack left for the contest and left me behind so I couldnt watch what was going on.

Op Plat? Same old crap that we ALWAYS do. I like the class, I like the teacher, but I know everything that we are doing. I dont care to hear it again and I most certainly dont care to do it again, but I have to any way. I dont have any absences in that class so I may just skip it next time over and take a break. Im so glad the weekend is almost here.

I do a little speeding as I drive. If the speed limit is 45 and IM on a country road, Ill do 65 to 70 easily. My car handles well and seems to like crusing at that speed. Today was a hard lesson learned. I came around a corner and some idiot is on MY side of the road going atleast the same speed. As I so gainfully told Stephen, I screamed like a girl, cursed like a sailor and then hit the brakes and pulled to the side. The jerk careened by me without a glance. The fucker. I got his tag so if I see him around college hell get a piece of my mind.

I get home and talk to my friend Stephen on the net. He has what I need and I head over there. Damn, he doesnt have the software for it. OH well, its not all too bad. I did get to look at his new iMac though, which convinced me to buy one of my own this coming season.

I get home tonight and am asked if I would like to join my parents and brother in dinner tonight. Sure, why not? As I arrive to the restaurant, I see my brother digging around my dads truck for some candy.

My father is diabetic but doesnt take care of himself. His sugar dropped out while he was in the restaurant and my brother had to take care of him till I and my mom arrived. We finally convinced him to drink a coke, but it took him a while to come around. As I was waiting for my meal, I talked with the waittress for a little while. She gave me "the look" and was quite friendly. I guess I took it the wrong way. I mean, shes way too pretty for me and I guess she just wanted a tip. No harm in that. I have to suck up to my customers too.

Im still depressed, too. It bothers me and upsets me alot because Im at the point in my life where I know that I shouldnt be upset over things... that things will get better in life and that now isnt as horrible as it will get and that there will always be good to offset the bad. No, Im not depressed about my ex any more. I dont miss her... I just miss having someone to talk to. Someone to love and have a longing for... someone to just touch me. I dont have any great friends other than one, but he lives too far away for me to see every day. Sure, I have good friends (no offense to them) but I dont know them enough... I cant open up to them like I do my great friend. Im just... getting lonely and jealous. Really jealous. So bad that it just hurts alot sometimes... that it just pains me. It upsets me because I can control my emotions, but this is out of control and I cant handle myself...

I hate myself and I just want to die.

I told my mom that everyone on campus think I and Denton are gay. She was upset about it, and expected me to be upset as well. I dunno. I love my mom, but she just... says stupid things some times.

"Kyle, Id love you, but if you were ever to be homosexual... or... or marry a nigger I wouldnt be able to handle your life style at all."

Thanks mom, for setting the south back a few hundred years.



Current Music is Black Box by Scorn

 

[Lull]

Chapter 3, I suppose.

I dont know. I think I want to just give up sometimes.

My friend Matt has really pissed me off lately. In the past two years he has had one incredibly great girl ask him out, and one good girl, and now, a seemingly great girl. He bitches and moans about never getting a girlfriend because of his really bad acne, but when a girl approaches them, he picks them apart. The really great girl, Marie, he didnt like her teeth, so he never took the relationship any where. A few months after and its too late. He renigs on is stance on her, but couldnt have her any more. So, after a year of kicking himself in the ass (with a little help from me) Denyell becomes interested in him. At first, he is kinda skeptic, but the comes across the idea that she is too fat for him. Big woop. So what happens? A few months later he again renigs on his idea of her, asks her out, and gets blown off. Get this. He has the gumption to be angry that she blew him off. Now, this isnt the end of this story. Now, a seemingly great girl, Carrie, is very interested in him. They went out on a date and asked me to tag along. I did, and they got along great. Held hands, sat in laps, etc etc. He liked her alot. Found out that she doesnt give oral sex. Now he isnt interested in her at all. Yeah, Im quite annoyed at him right now. Hell renig again and then kick himself.

Too fucking bad. If he bitches to me about it, then Ill tell him like it is.

Oh well.

Like I said, I think about just giving up on a little bit of everything, really. I just dont care any more. Things have just gotten too annoying for me to even worry about them any more...

I want one of those new iMacs. Blame Stephen if I steal a bunch of them from CompUSA.

Dont worry, Mike and Denton, Ill let you guys have one as well.

Current Music is Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters