printer says 'ready'; brain says 'dumb'

[amutepiggy]

garbledygook

last night i had a dream i was in the netherlands and some guy from a shop window yelled "hey you, wanna help the blue cross with disaster relief?" i went inside their office; it had pine floors and concrete walls and there were binders on a table that had information about the different troubled regions in holland you could pick from. the leader said other people would be coming soon and that i could wait over in the corner on the rope swing until they arrived. when people got there they had all the newbies such as myself engage in mock round table discussion. i figured they were going to be watching us for leadership skills and powers of persuasion (y'know, to see who would be best at rallying people behind the cause and stuff) so i got really into it- standing up, fist table-pounding, bombastic rhetoric- all of it. somebody shushed me and i realized the veterans were having their own meeting- they were totally ignoring us! WHAT
i got really angry about this so i quit and went shopping at the store next door, which was called "Magical Pony Princesses."


also my shower is broken.

fuck.


fringe starts tonight. suggestor killbot: blackbelt master! opens today. today it features MIKE MCFARLAND of industrial improv and hypnotoad fame-lore.

fringe festival: five shows; five knuckles. COINCIDENCE? HELLA NO

 

[amutepiggy]

in the wake of the destruction

i am internally struggling over whether it is ok for me to go on about my everyday life as if everything were normal. it doesn't really matter what i decide. i'll float around feeling helpless, i'll do my stats, and then i'll binge drink like a good red-blooded american.


HOORAY LIVER POISONING

 

[amutepiggy]

are you there ian curtis? it's me, fat-head

lately my work has suffered from an inability to control what is coming out of my mouth: having some thoughts and stumbling over the words or i not even being able to move my mouth to get it out. occasionally this produces a great opportunity for a doscovery, master weavers weaving mistakes into into the fabric and blah blah blah but this is not quite the same. i think it's a problem of spooling- there isn't enough space in my working memory to hold onto information while it's loading to the output device. DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME SDRAM TO PLUG INTO MY HEAD YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

of course i have always had a problem with the cable connecting my brain and mouth (if you will recall the name of the journal, dearest reader-lamb). it seems this latest mood-dip is particularly correlated with cabicular malfunction. i suspect rodent-related damage; those effers chew on everything. perhaps as a preventative measure i should clean my aprtment.

i should NOT clean my apartment. that would be giving in. i'm all about committment, except when it comes to keeping appointments, finishing projects, or maintaining relationships.

or scenework.


fuck.

i used to think that "love will tear us apart" was the greatest song ever written. i'm still pretty sure it is, but i think i like "disorder" better. chris-irish called this blasphemy, but i'll take my chances.


i Can't Wait for tonight's show, which will be Great!!! we're doing the Lottery! it will be Great!!! Go Philly!


Rare Bird Show
stealing your ideas since 2003

 

[amutepiggy]

barfing, racism, being an asshole

Wow! Great!!! how Great!! Everything Great!!!!


foul mood continues on.

on a positive note, i have actually picked up a paintbrush not once but twice in the last two days, and the painting i've let languish for months is actually starting to reveal itself. i might actually finish the dumb fucker. AND i wrote two entire pages last night. i haven't read them over yet but i recall they were actually ok. though i'm sure when i give them a second glance i'll throw up all over my keyboard. i don't know why bulimics go to the trouble of sticking their fingers down they throats or drinking ipecac; all they have to do is write fiction and go back and read it the next day.


hey everybody, if you think there isn't a massive racial element to the gulf coast disaster then i am guessing you are white! see, we crackers have the lucky privilege of not having to think about race. remember how we were all taught that the civil war wasn't about slavery?

just because you don't think about it doesn't mean it isn't there. and just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean you can ignore it.

 

[amutepiggy]

vaudeville style

what do you say there applejack joe

well i was thinking about the bucket, miss kitty-three-milks

the bucket?

yeah, the bucket. well, i do declare- it's the make-em-up version of mask work!

that's crazy talk, applejack!

no,THIS is crazy talk: I AM GOING TO STAB YOUR HEAD STAB YOUR HEAD BLOOD DEVILS TALK TO ME THROUGH MY VICTROLA AND ASK ME TO ARRANGE MY SUSPENDERS TO SPELL OUT THEIR COMMANDS
see here, miss kitty-three-milks, when you're in a make-em-up you gotta envision yourself with a bucket on your noggin! your loveley audience will still have their peepers fixed on you but it won't make you nervous! and they'll point throw there giggles your way, but it might not matter much! the bucket is a blank mask that can adapt to the character you create internally, and it will help ya keep committed to it by not letting it leak out all over the place!

i see whatcha mean, applejack! and that's why your make-em-ups have been so crappy lately- you've done forgot to empty the apples out of your bucket and put in on yer head!

indeed, miss kitty-three-milks. NOW GET OVER HERE SO I CAN RAPE YOU WHILE SINGING "YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU"



(a quarter in the jar for the sunshine gang for use of the word make-em-ups)

 

[amutepiggy]

you say unborn baby, i say undeveloped fetal tissue

from the website www.covenantnews.com, by way of some random christian:

More Americans were killed by abortionists on September 11 (about 4,300) than were killed by Islamic terrorists (about 3,000). Assuming 3,000 deaths among the 50,000 people who worked at the World Trade Center, about one in seventeen was killed. One in three unborn babies is killed by abortion every day. On September 11, it would have been six times safer to be a worker in the Twin Towers than it was to be a baby in her mother's womb.

i've seen 7 improv shows in the last 2 weeks, i talked to chris conklin for several hours last night, and this is still the funniest thing i have encountered all september.

ta-ma-to, ta-Mah-to, etc etc etc

CACKLE AND HOWL

 

[amutepiggy]

TRUTH OR FICTION decide and win a hamster!

they finished smoking and sat around listening to modest mouse, or watching kids in the hall. none of them remembers which one it was, or even if it was both at once.

one scribbled furiously in her notebook for several, tens, twenties of minutes. she eventually looked up and declared "do you realize that if you could write down all of your thoughts, you could expand your memory infinitely?!??"

he looked up and said "do you realize you just invented taking notes?"

ZING

she was not amused at the time, but was later able to see the humor in it.

 

[amutepiggy]

laura and molly and ann are good hosts

here is a blogger who is, more likely than not, smarter than you.


i am in boston visiting Laura Dear. it was her birthday and it was a surprise. SURPRISE LAURA i am here! i missed the main party on friday because the flight was delayed, but i came just in time to SHOCK AND AWE and go to a striped-shirt party, which is a party chock full of people who wear the Standard Frat Douchebag uniform of trendy striped shirts, preferably designed by Tommy Patriot Hilfucker. laura calls them "characterless man-whores."

when you hand them a birthday card for your friend that has a picture of cats in christmas gear on it they write things like "happy birthday" or the hilarious "happy easter!", which is a clever! twist! on the actual! EVENT!!!!!!!

at non-striped shirt events you get submissions like "when you age your skin GETS FARMED FOR MARS COLONIES! TRUE! TRUE!"

what do you prefer, america? IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU WILL MAKE TODAY


i also went to improvBoston. i did the jam. it was fun and i'm glad i did.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

[amutepiggy]

close encounters of the belligerent kind

A striped shirt encounter

Me: tugs cup out of a striped shirt’s drunken hand
Striped Shirt: What are you doing?
Me: I’m taking your beer
Striped Shirt (confused or dejected): Why?
Me: Because I can.
Finishes beer. Smashes cup. Walks off.

 

[amutepiggy]

anxietea

sometimes reading about music makes me break into a cold sweat

since i don't like panic attacks, i will read desmond morris instead.

 

[amutepiggy]

were i a congressman

i humbly submit HR-1218, which bans the use of the word "chill" for any purpose other than in instructions for serving white wine*.

i introduce as evidence the diet coke comercial featuring g love and his Band of Wonderous Assholes on a south philly roof.



*also acceptable: gazpacho

 

[amutepiggy]

awww man

this is warning to all who tread here that i will shortly begin stealing from mick napier, by way of greg maughn. thanks for the loaner, yo. i'ma gonna type nonsense until my fingers hurt and i'm gonna type improvised scenes and i'm gonna i should probably start a new journal and call it "alexis steals from mick napier" or something but starting over is for whiny bitches gettin' felt up by Iyanla, emotional cripples, and alcoholics (not the fun kind. the boring kind). yeah it's gonna be printer says ready brain says dumb but my brain and keyboard are gonna mindfuck like rabbits on cocaine and everywhere, everywhere, there will be tiny, brilliant bunnies shaking in their incubators.

HERE WE GO

broken fetish take time to tank ploy favors for your dog. apes can't ever bees can wear hats if you've got to film a poodle wear a matress face down sky-high taming shirttales. stop type begin favoring the fat filly she'd never learn to bake boggle. how do you find acid quilt? make happenings magic pot black. forgiven is nestled between the computer towards the sunshine in the ever glowing reaches of cabinetry. artisans labor colored by anger, shaking babies until the silt settles. founded mother, secret of ages- takle back the night and bears a re deadly. is it wrong to helpo harass ammo between the purse and the deodorant take what fever your filthy mouth hates. chopstick! chop suet! suet is for the banker bee bop tuba and take the trolley for two times. tense terse fat woman anger banana, justice minnesota.

AGH that was only 2 minutes but i'm at work.




also grover is my favorite muppet. can he be called a muppet? no? then my favorite jim henson creation guy thing. and if i saw elmo on the street i'd pull his spine out of his back and choke him with it; then i'd spit on his corpse and step on his skull on my way to buy an InTouch magazine.

if he had a spine.

or a skull.

or were alive.

shit.

oh my god i just realized elmo is part of the UNSTOPPABLE ARMY OF THE UNDEAD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

[amutepiggy]

in honor of FOUND magazine, some FOUND moments

RETARDO MONTALBON HA HA HA AH i am hilarious

it has nothing to do with anything whatsoever. it just popped into my head and redfused to leave until i said it and made fun o fit.

FUN O FIT benefit tripsacin is that medicine? consume actively breast pockmark happenstance, overtly. change penguin give gibbergish dish out puoint skywards. fake flour pennypack. fannypack. ass munch. good google, forbearance is the boudois (which is stolen over the ocean liner). pancaks- no, panCAKES- more rather effective indecency. watchword withchunt. fake fax- facsimile. spelling berries. hatred rotten, ripe raunchy forgive jesus fo rr bad breath. outtakes! striptease! FOREVER IN BRAIN SOUP, MY CHILD! forever.

five minutes is simply too long. i'm impatient, so you will have to make do with a mere minute and a half.

overheard today:

ART STUDENT
"no, ticks bury under your skin. see, chiggers..."
she burst into laughter and wished she could hear what chiggers do.

RANDOM, MOSTLY UNINTERESTING FUCKTWAT ON CHESTNUT street
"a is for age, b is for birthday..."
she smiled and wished she could hear the rest of the alphabet play itself out.

PROBABLY HOMELESS CHATTERBOX ON THE TROLLEY. WITH A JOB CORPS BAGGIE.
"gibberish gibberish (insert sound of trolley squeaking) but if you have a clear mind, and a clear heart, gibbereish gibberish blah et cetera."

this last one was less overheard, more actively solicited. i sat on the trolley by lonesome and it gradually occurred to me that the portly black fellow across the aisle was not talking to the withered caucasian seated in front of me, like i had assumed. he was, in fact, actively engaged in a conversation with no one in particular. i started to pay attention to him. much of it was difficult to decipher because the trolley was so damn loud. to be perfectly honest the content seemed unimportant. he was very expressive with his face and gesturing and i found myself laughing and reacting from the cues he gave me with his hands and face. no need for the words. sort of like the contentless scenework. you dumb fuckers could take a lesson from this guy and improve your scenework by not talking so damn much. SHUT THE FUCK UP and LISTEN and gimme NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION. how much we can profit from simple observation of the world around us. the funniest character i've created of late was a horrendous young woman who works in human recources and knows excatly what phrases like "princess cut" mean. this is the type of person that thouroughly enjoys the absolutely UNWATCHABLE show "sex in the city." these people are worthless bitches and you should step on them. since i have such a strong opinion about it, it made my scenework real. i didn't have to explain anything at all one tiny bit.

i remember precisely one specific uttered by my probably homeless gibbering friend. it was the "clear mind and heart" snippet, and i held onto it in my brain because i liked it. i did not like it as much as one from the other day, though.

RANDOM STREET PERSON IN FILTHY BALLCAP QUIETLY AND ANGRILY TALKING TO THE AIR
"i went to UPenn, motherfuckers. what do you honeys think of that? i will EAT your STETHOSCOPE."
she laughed internally, because she was too scared to do anything while he was within touching- i.e., attacking- distance. she would have liked to answer: "Upenn, huh? neat. i had no idea you're an overprivliged jew from new jersey or new york."


there's so much more. i had so many adventures this weekend, including learning about the 3 types of skinheads (not all of 'em are nazis, apparently- they get very angry about this) and losing my phone. but that can be tomorrow's post.

oh, but last: to lisa simpson, "whose imflammatory rhetoric reminded us that
the price of freedom is eternal vigilance."

GIVE HER THE CHECK YAHHHHHHH

 

[amutepiggy]

muslim is the new black

Nathan Edmondson said he believes people are afraid to be emotional, and he is right.

the angry skinhead was angered because he thought i didn't understand that all skinheads are racist. i was angered because i thought he didn't understand that i agree white guilt is useless, but it's not white guilt to say "hey humans beings are sort of inherently racist (uh, that includes me by the way) and we need to acknowledge things like THE FACT THAT WE LITERALLY ENSLAVED AN ENTIRE RACE OF PEOPLE FOR OVER 300 YEARS AND WE HAVE NEVER PROPERLY DEALT WITH THAT. how do we deal? i don't fucking know. do i look like i have answers? but do you know how we start: we acknowledge it, bitches. but don't you DARE dismiss things like racism and misogyny, ESPECIALLY if you are a white man. in my college improv group there was myself and a black man, and we had a running joke about someone who was "the misogynist bigot- and we would know." the punchline was "and we would know" because your dumb ass isn't going to be aware of prejudice if you don't experience it.
fine, black people judge make negative judgements based on skin color, too, whatever, blah blah blah. irrelevent. just recognize your racist behavior, accept it, and teach yourself to stop. that's all i want. don't wallow in your wilfull ignorance.

but i guess two intelligent drunk people with passionate opinions are going to have a hard time listening to one another. fair enough.

however,
challenge me, argue with me, whatever. DO NOT DISMISS ME.

along a similar vein:

i hate Curtis Gwinn. i hate him. i do not know him, but i hate him anyway. pointless hatred? yes, but it is pointless to rationalize away strong emotions. i do not know Curtis Gwinn at all but had a sour, fleeting internet-interaction, and it was practically AGES ago. but he was dismissive of me and i hate him for that.

this doesn't really affect you, or even Curtis Gwinn, for that matter. it doesn't really affect me, either. NOW THAT'S JUST THE CRAZY TALKIN'!! no it isn't. like i said, i don't know him or work with him or waste time on this dumb message board besides in this self-indulgent blog (which is redundant) where i might encounter him again. but there remains a buried boiling rage that bubbles up to the surface occasionally, such as when the skinhead stormed off in anger and i thought "this sounds familiar."

so let's pay Habituation. if i talk to you in person, you should periodically yell "Curtis Gwinn!!!" and i'll yell "CHUBBY MISOGYNIST!!!!!" right back. the repetition will induce neural habituation, and eventually remove the the pointless rage.

i'm not afraid to be sad or angry or full of joy.
are you?

 

[amutepiggy]

mystical sky wizard dammit

hey it worked! the pointless rage has dissipated. Curtis Gwinn has returned to being someone i don't know whose work i have seen and enjoyed.

this means if i ever happen to catch a show he's in i'll not be ejected for throwing something at his head! or worse, i won't judge a good show as poor just because i have internet beef.

here is the part where i appreciate matt nelson for playing along, when nobody else would.


hey guess what one of my new favorite shows is. if you said "The Nanny" you should be clobbered with a shovel!!! sure i watch it but that doesn't mean i like it. in fact, it makes me seethe with a rage.

(perhaps there is a theme here)

my new favorite show is "Economics USA." it is on PBS and it is INFORMATIVE!!! i learned about the development of the GNP as a tool for measuring economic growth (it didn't exist before the Depression you know) and whether farm subsidies are a good idea (probably not).

and now the nonsense mick napier portion of the post
(mike feel free to skip and think about hams fighting in a pillowcase)

wait
admission: i was going to type a scene without stopping and i paused because i heard footsteps in the hall and i thought it was going to be my boss and the pause was enough to make me judge what i had written instead of just going with it and so i erased it and i realized i had been overthinking it anyway and I HATE IT WHEN I ACT LIKE A PUSSY YAHHHHHHHHJDHGSHGDJASKLJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


:::end communication

 

[amutepiggy]

hey everyone again already


I HATE MY FUCKING JOB

 

[amutepiggy]

58 minutes. wow, that was the quickest documented mood change EVER. 2:11 to 3:09!!!!!

i watched "Get Up Stand Up" on PBS last night. i held it togteher through thw Civil Rights Movement, but when they got to the part about vietnam i burst into tears. and i wasn't even drunk! they covered "For Women"- i still don't remember if Kweli's version is the number or the word "for". PBS is so hip.

better today. i was working on a press release for the PIF festival while i was drunk and today i discovered this gem:

[PIF will have] workshops for "all levels of people interested in impov. soapy buttfucking!!!"

i laughed so hard i swallowed my gum. i took it out of course, but i wish i could have left it in.

 

[amutepiggy]

mothers lock up your sons

hey i'm single again

lookit me i'm suddenly susan
(did that reference make you cringe? i hope it did. i cried a little. ugh, what a god-awful show)

it was a little sad but it made perfect sense. i didn't believe that he liked me and he thought that was unfair, which it was. the truth is that he sure did like me but i'm ready to be loved.

i went to the hurricane relief benefit show yesterday (kudos mary carpenter, you are a gem). i'm no longer an asshole and i already have a new crush AND i found a kickin' sparkly belt on the sidewalk.

 

[amutepiggy]

hmmmph

it is my philosophy

that if you are getting the job done

you have earned a little more say

on HOW the job gets done



reminder to self: you want to think about rehearsal performance vs performance performance when there isn't A HUGE GRANT DEADLINE AAAHAHAHHAHAH

 

[amutepiggy]

because i didn't eat any

my fingers smell like hot dogs

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat