printer says 'ready'; brain says 'dumb'

[amutepiggy]

an important lesson: never believe in anything on here.

for christmas i wish for better control over my output. it seems lame to complain about being misunderstood, even if that's how i feel, because it should my responsibility to explain myself in a fashion such that people get it. i try to use the reactions of the people around me as a guide for how to conduct myself. it is different than trying to change myself to please other people; i'm sure of it. but i can't think of a way to explain the difference so i'm not going to. SIDESTEP!

i'm also arrogant! not all the time, though. just enough. worse i'm too willing to admit to my flaws (particularly when pointed out to me). i thought it was a strength but apparently it is "wack."


edit
ugh i am getting the feeling i used to get in which nothing my printer says is what my brain wants. how useless to grow if you only wind up backtracking.

how fucking stupid to move beyond the need for external affirmation only to realize that is impossible!

humans are apes. horrible, horrible apes. including ME!

 

[amutepiggy]

hello apes!

one of us horrible beasts stole my atm card last night. it is partly my retarded fault, because i went to the atm and removed my cash and receipt, but not my card! this is why they have such things as I/O psychology, which is the psychology of designing machines to match how the dumb human-ape brain operates. PER EXAMPLE: swipe atms are better than insert atms because you do not let go of your card so it does not matter if you are engaged in an interesting conversation or a moron or either or both. ugh, APES!! HORRIBLE APES!!!! i'm "wack" but i don't fucking steal.


i am mostly talking like a robot today.


it's alright. i have a show, a free air conditioner, and 75% per cent chance of scoring today. i would say 100%, because you can always find SOMEBODY to sleep with, but this is a 75% chance with someone i like a whole lot. i would also say 100%, except he's got friends from out of town staying in his tiny apartment so if there's not a shady alley-way then it's just TS for me. oh! plus i hung out with my favorite ex-boyfriend last night, whom i have not seen in many moons. it is nice to be with someone and be completely honest and fun. my honesty is one of my best policies. no, qualitites. honesty is my best qualities. the english language is one of my worst.

if nothing else, i am raw honey.

 

[amutepiggy]

human-love

the Newtonian law of gravitation!

the force of attraction between two bodies is proportional to the two masses multiplied together

and inversely proportional to the square of their distance apart.




am i talking about physics or love? EITHER WAY it is incorrect!!!

 

[amutepiggy]

clarified

the newtonian law of gravitation is correct when applied in a eucldian plane; however, cosmic space is non-euclidian and the dimension of space-time must be factored into the calculations.

the newtonian law of gravitation-love is correct when applied in a euclidian plane, in which the attraction between two bodies of mass is easliy thwarted by shallow distractions. however, cosmic space is non-euclidian, as the dimension of roof-sex must be factored into the calculations (thus diminishing the importance of distance).

 

[amutepiggy]

let's have a broogle

hey everyone! today i played the broogle game. it is just like the google game, where you type "(your name) is" or "(your name) has" into the world famous search engine, except that you type it into your brain instead of the internet!

THE DRAMATIC RESULTS!

alexis is impulsive.
alexis has trouble translating data from her brain to her printer.
alexis is a perfectionist with a fear of failure.
alexis has high aspirations that are easily deflected by minor obstacles.
alexis is an animal person.

alexis is certified in ROCKING OUT!
alexis is a fan of nosense words.
alexis has to acknowledge her delusions of grandeur through joke-make to keep schizophrenia at bay.
alexis is gullible.
alexis is impatient but on occasion can sit back and allow things to progress as they are meant to, particularly if the delayed gratification is of cosmic proportions.

AND FINALLY

alexis

is

AWESOME

 

[amutepiggy]

swear words sweat birds

the altoids thread i started is worse than heroin.

i keep going back to read it even though i know better, and then i read something that triggers a desire to respond. do you know i honestly thought when i first posted that a handful of people would consider writing a letter (some might even follow through) and the people who thought it was dumb would ignore it? now it won't die, and yet i keep picking up the needle.

i write like a pretentious 11th grade robot with bipolar disorder. the overzealous! use! of exclamation points!! is something i will never give up, but i guess i need to recognize that it flattens the entire emotional tone of what i'm saying and that it's difficult to tell when i'm being serious, when i'm being flippant, when i'm softening the blow of gut-ripping emotional honesty because it took until college or later for me to learn how to deal with my emotions in the first place. or something in between.

did you know that when i say "i'm an asshole" i'm laying down my weapon? we're all fucking assholes, but on the relative scale of asshole i don't even break the 50th percentile. probably not even the 25th. the real assholes would never call themselves assholes because part of them being an asshole is THEY DON'T REALIZE IT WHEN THEY ARE BEING ONE.

i was surprised by reactions to the thread in part because i have a serious disorder in which i expect people to be as supportive as i am. this has bitten me in the ass over and over and over again, even within the improv community. maybe especially within the improv community, since i expect more from them. it really blows ass to have to do the gruntwork and front most of the fucking money for our fringe festival show (the only reason it wasn't all of it was because i finally learned to be a bitch) and still get met with lackadaisical resistance to my artistic input.


it sucks more to realize that Matt Nelson is working his ass off to make phillyimprov.com and the philly improv festival awesome and i'm completely flaking, so there you go, i'm a hypocrite.


FUCK ALL THAT.

to this journal, which is my methadone.

 

[amutepiggy]

data are STUPID

right now i am having a life-craving, which is a craving for the way you want your life to be. i want a clean dwelling- ideally a house- in a charming city that is large enough for me to have a room just for pets and a room where i paint and write. it simply must have a sunny deck, or at least a sunny room. and a yard, however small. i want no day job to interfere with my creative endeavors and political muckraking. and i want it all RIGHT NOW- i don't want to pay my dues. stupid impatience.

did i use the term muckraking right? i'm too irritable to look it up.

i understand that i have to pay my dues- i just need to find the field in which i'm willing to do that. in neuroscience you have to be an underpaid (if you get paid at all) grad student for 5 or 6 years in which you are enslaved in a lab 50 or 60 hours a week. then you have to be an underpaid post-doc for a year or so in which you are enslaved in a lab for 60 or 70 hours a week. then you graduate to underpaid assistant professor in which you are finally in charge of the lab but you spend every waking hour cursing your need to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, all of which impede precious PUBLICATION!

at least that's how it works here.

can't a girl just write unsubstantiated speculative theories?

 

[amutepiggy]

can't a girl just write unsubstantiated speculative theories

Of course she can...

...on Xanga!

ZING!

conk-LIN! you clever bastard.


ugh, despite the presence of pasta, basil, delicious sauce, spinach, onions, sunflower seeds, asiago cheese, and fresh tomatoes in my fridge, i had a bag of chips for dinner. a bag of chips and beer.

sigh.

there was also a bird in my fridge. but i wouldn't eat him, he is RACECAR!

 

[amutepiggy]

usa! USA! USA!!!!!

POINT ONE: there is something utterly satisfying about watching synchronized dancing to ROCK MUSIC, even if it is the opening credits to the drew carey show!

POINT TWO: i had a fucking awesome show last night and then i went home and ate a fucking awesome salad. HOORAY FOR VITAMINS WEEEEEEEEEOOOOYA

POINT THREE: somebody sent the psych department mailing list a petition urging the bush administration to address the horrific situation in darfur. i never really believe the power of a petition to do anything but i will probably sign it anyway- it certainly can't make things worse. however, the awareness of such atrocity that the email instilled in me made me want to go eat something and then vomit it back up- not that that would help things AT ALL (it is ok; i have a history of poor coping mechanisms!!). i poked around on the internet, in between searching for articles on brain dopamine specifically within nucleus accumbens, for information on darfur and such. all i could find was "it's baaaad! write a letter!" it is clear that pressuring congressmen and senators into making this an important issue is something that will help. but what else can i do?

it is suffocating to feel so powerless.



addendum-shazbot!: i think i would like a comparative analysis of the situation in iraq verus the situation in darfur; ie why do we step in for one but not the other? is it oil? is it to show a former ally what happens when you cross the U S A? IS IT BECAUSE WE HATE BLACK PEOPLE? (probably!).

 

[amutepiggy]

i am a girlfriend now.

how terrifying.


edit: it only becomes official once i change my friendster profile

 

[amutepiggy]

ain't no rhyme or reason or time or treason

if any man ever gave me a diamond it would reflect poorly on his attention paying skills. i don't see diamonds as a symbol of forever-lasting love (although the debeers shadow people commercials have kind of a catchy tune). rather they are symbolic of human suffering, greed, and stupid bitches with chunky highlights who work in human resources.

(and they drink cosmos).


i think my fridge is leaky. that is just gross.

 

[amutepiggy]

make ups to break ups.

(but more like shout-outs to break ups, really)

30.16 WOOOOEEEEEYA

it is probably just a handful of people i know from philly or college and then nathan 25 times.

shout-outs to lemar, for telling me i pretty much have what i already whined about wanting, sans lack of day-job (aieee a double negative and part of it is IN FAKE FRENCH!oh no!). also shout-outs to corey brown, just for rocking ass but also for having a solid ring philosophy.

here is a letter the bank wrote to me:

Re: Contact Us Form
Thank you for contacting Wachovia.

This message is in response to your recent communication.

I have received your e-mail regarding your fraud case. I apologize for
any confusion or inconvenience. The liability for unauthorized use is
indicated in the Debit Card Agreement and Disclosure provided at account
opening. Section 8 of page 1, in part, indicates:

"If you tell us within two (2) business days after you learn of the
loss, theft or possible unauthorized use of your card, you can lose no
more than $50.00 if someone uses your card to make unauthorized
withdrawals from an ATM or if someone uses your card to make
unauthorized purchases at non-Visa/Interlink merchants."

here is a letter i wrote to the bank:

Re: this is a breakup

thanks.

LAME.

i'm also unhappy about the fact that you didn't contact me for at least a week to let me know you had flagged the accoutn for suspicious activity. other banks let customers know AT THE LATEST within a business day- usually they notify right away.

i will be packing up and heading to commerce bank.

sincerely,
alexis

ps this is not even about convenience. i stuck by you even though you have
exactly one ATM within reasonable walking distance (and by reasonable i mean 20 minutes) of where i live and work AND that it only dispenses cash about half the time.


i know commerce isn't going to be any less evil, but they have a branch right next to my building and they gave me a shiny red coin bank. i am easy like that. maybe i could go to the philadelphia federal credit union, which claims to be "better. honest." maybe i could withdraw all my cash and have my rabbit eat it for safekeepings, and my work could pet him every month when they do direct deposit. maybe i could put in a president and throw him down a well ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!

i would like to put a picture in here, of something i drew. i would like to make that a habit. wouldn't it be better if instead of talking about doing i just did it ? HMMMM?

 

[amutepiggy]

i'm on west coast time inb practice AND IN ACTUALITY

hey i'm in LA now. it is the comedysportz world tournament or something. also my parents live here!

my flight out here was pleasant, in that it made it here. there were some bad parts: there was a screaming child in the seat behind me and the plane was delayed 2 hours (plus there was a pear-shaped man in the waiting area with a dick-joke t-shirt that said "grab your balls and LET'S GO BOWLING!!!") and southwest doesn't feed you.

HOWEVER i had 2 bloody marys on the plane for free and the plane totally didn't crash. awesome.

now to cram in as much cable as i possibly can. that's soooooo raven HOORAY DISNEY CHANNEL

 

[amutepiggy]

blah blah blah ass one of these things is not like the other

i am a busy bee here. a busy improv bee! i took many workshops and drank a lot. not neccessarily in that order!

there was an eagles cover band at the opening party. i think both cover bands and the eagles are kind of lame (the exception, of course, is bad medicine, the only bon jovi cover band hired by bon jovi WOOO-AH). peaceful easy feelin is an a'ight song but i'm totally embarassed by the fact that i wrote all the words to desperado in my high school day planner. shudder. however when you are tanked on margaritas n potato tacos and surrounded by improvisers it is impossible not to completely rock the fuck out. nathan-german got the brilliant idea to repeatedly yell the eagles football cheer WHATTUP PHILLY WOOOOAYYYHAHHA and then we took photos in their photo booth. HOTT.

i do not think my parents have a good marriage and i feel sad for them. i also feel lucky that i have in recent years figured out some things about what i need and want from someone i'd keep around for the rest of my life so that i do not end up feeling trapped in an unsatisfactory marriage. additionally i feel lucky that i've gradually learned to be less emotionally retarded in spite of the genes and behaviors i inherited from mumsy and pa-pa. AND let us not forget to be thankful for the awareness i've recently gathered in that it has allowed me to recognize their relationship as something i would never be content with AS WELL AS how their defective coping strategies for handling the pressures of Life-Stress function as the source of their discontent. i'm awesome.

aww jeez i hope i did not frighten you with my honest tea! don't feel bad for me or weird reading this. it is nothing i couldn't say to you. it is true and kind of sad but kind of beautiful, like when a baby dies*!

and now i know more about what love ISN'T

 

[amutepiggy]

all politic no improv

pat robertson has historically proven his flapheadedness by making such claims about feminism as it persuades women to leave their husbands, kill their children, engage in witchcraft, and become lesbians. now he's really done it with this chavez thing.

so we're going to fight the war on terror by making terrorist threats? AWESOME.

it is irresponsible for rumsfeld to provide amnesty for robertson by declaring him a "private citizen." he ran for president in 1988 on the republican ticket. the christian coalition, which was founded by robertson, has the specific mission of providing "a means towards helping to give Christians a voice in their government again"- ie, influencing and eventually claiming control of the american political machine. he is the figurehead for the fundamentalist christian movement that has tried to pull the whole republican party further to the right (on social issues, anyway). pat robertson IS NOT A PRIVATE CITIZEN.

if we are to have a zero tolerance policy for terrorism as we claim, then the statements made by pattycakes should be taken seriously and investigated as such. prosecution is not unreasonable. leadership by example, people- not bombastics and bullying.

terrorism is the new communism.

here's a sermon by the Rev Davidson Loehr. it is about the facist tendencies of modern america. it is awesome.

living under facism

i don't understand how you could read it and not see the similarities between our system and the classically facist regimes of hitler, mussolini, and stalin. i suppose the one similarity we lack is outright use of physical force against dissidents- dissidents amongst our own citzenry, anyway. correction again: WHITE dissidents.

with money.

but if you read it and still don't see the problem- moreover, how dire the problem is- i would be interested to hear why.



there is a video of hilary duff on right now. she is retarded.

 

[amutepiggy]

to-day i am taking a workshop on status. it has a stupid name; it is called "you must be high!". that is stupid. BUT i think the workshop will be good! while i think i understand the concept of status i don't know how to play it at all. i once got a note that i played a lot of low status characters and that surprised me. i think i confused yelling and leaning forward and wavng my arma a lot with being high-status!

i know for a fact that i don't have to "win" scenes. i'm not an asshole.

i saw baby wants candy last night. there was a boy made of liquid in it. sweet.

 

[amutepiggy]

that last reply sounded so much smarter when i wrote it then when i read it. MUTHA FUKKA WOOOOOOOOOT

i come back from LA full of make-over ideas (thanks style network!) and improv lessons (thanks tournament!). the closing show on saturday night was pretty reeeeeediculous. houston took on the home team. it seemed like they took a longformy approach to the show- they played laugh-out (HOORAY!!) and in the second half did "longer scenes in genre styles", which ended up being a shakespeare and a musical. during the shakespeare the hilarious Lauren Something (i forgot the last name. jacobs? jennings? jujubees?) from the LA team played a horse in one scene and because of the longformy tendencies of the show, it became a pattern and the poor girl wound up carrying 3 different dudes of increasing size. there's more awesome stuff that happened but it's dumb to explain improv you saw 3 days ago because that shit be transient! can't be trying to crystalize the intangible!!!

also after i saw BWC (yeah, that's right. I ABBREV) on wednesday a harold-team named STREET HAWK (!) played. it was a good show! and the funniest dude in that show was totally in the championship match on saturday! WHAT UP WITH THAT

it is hard to go back to work after a long break. however, i have decided that my next vacation will consist of taking an entire week off and not going anywhere. i will sit on my couch and watch tv and maybe go out at night. but probably not! i will also go to a fancy hotel in philadelphia (travelling is for dorks) and get room service. and dress my bird up like a rabbit and my rabbit up like a bird. i will call it PET IDENTITY CRISIS WEEK. there will be a parade and everything.

you are totally invited.


bring a party hat.

 

[amutepiggy]

i hope you are enoying my bipolar robot rantings. please come again.


one hundred forty two years later and we still haven't successfully dealt with the legacy of slavery.

and yet we have a new wolf by the ears


GOD BLESS AMERICA WOPPPEHWTAGHU!!

 

[amutepiggy]

grouchy

 

[amutepiggy]

Tommaso Palladini of Milan: "You fight terrorism," he said, "by creating more
justice in the world."

i concur.



hey an edit: i've been reading the 2000 document 'rebuilding america's defenses' (available at www.newamericancentury.org) instead of drawing peri-event histograms. when the cat's away, the mice will engage in expansion of political ideology!

but anyway the main point seems to be that in order to maintain its global dominance america needs to channel more and more of its resources into the military; without increased spending on defense we will be unable to fulfill the obligations of the role of world canstabulatory that we have created for ourselves in the last half-century.

it is so short sighted! we seem to not have noticed that resources are finite- in fact, we as a nation have the stubborn and pervasive attitude of "everything lasts forever" a la Homer the stonecutter. the cost of continued increases in military spending is reduction on domestic policy. as we keep diverting resources into large-scale wars around the world we will lose the ability to feed our own citizens. as the empire expands the people will starve!

it could be avoided if we weren't such control freaks. we don't trust anybody to do the job as well as us and thus we assume far too much responsibility in the global stage. our alliances are our greatest asset but our nationalism and arrogance prevent us from making the necessary concessions to foreign powers. continuing to try to rise as the unquestioned and uncontested leader of the world only strengthens the resolve of the enemies we try to crush, much the way an antibacterial spray eliminates the 99.9% of germs in its path, while the 0.01% survive to reproduce, their constitution stronger from the exposure than they were before.

all the only way to preserve our way of life, our "freedom", is to rely on the strength of alliances- preserving a separate national identity that can occasionally sacrifice its self-interest for the good of the world. a world of nations that work together, not one nation of cro-magnons that pulls the rest of the world around by the hair.

the worst thing we can do is continually defy globalized standards of behavior such as the Geneva Conventions, the Kyoto Protocol, and the policies of the UN. we can't try to write the rulebook if we don't follow it ourselves.

aww farts. this is a draft. i'm incoherent but i'm god damn right.