printer says 'ready'; brain says 'dumb'

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
i got a haircut

here's a fun tidbit about me

whenever i'm frustrated with my romantic life i take a pair of scissors and cut my hair

that's motherfuckin insight

love,
arfy

ps 26.69

pps don't shave your legs drunk. or do. i guess even though it makes you sloppier the cuts don't hurt as much.
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
a busy bee or two or three

wow

it's been some time

with

lots

HAPPENING!!!!!

wednesday was a show at the historic trocadero. it's a burlesque house-turned-concert hall where rock bands just under the main public's radar play (examples for your understanding! interpol, my morning jacket). we did not play on the main stage- we were upstairs in the historic whore balcony, where there is a second small stage.

our show was fine, not our best work, but still entertaining. i like that we can feel eh about our show and still please an audience. i think the jams at the end are quickly becoming my favorite part. i just wish more strangers would get up and play with us.

saturday was my comedysportz debut. it was great; i wasn't nervous at all. i got ink all over my face (for real-we use dry erase boards to remind the audience of the suggestions during one of our guessing games), and i proclaimed millard filmore the most important historical figure of all time (second to barry j goldwater, artistic genius). also i met goldfish boy himself, mix-master-MJC, who was in town this weekend.

oh! and most excitingly, ex-bike-messenger-turned poet text messaged me, out of nowhere. i'm not sure, but i think it was a booty call. HA!

i feel vindicated.
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
best idea EVER

my inspiration to make a lot of money is probably different than what most people would cite. I don’t want jewelry or a BMW or a fancy twin engine jet. i want ROOMBA, the independent robot vacuum. the discovery model is smart enough to return to its charger when it’s done. ROOMBA also has a mop-brother called SCOOPA, which is similar in every way to ROOMBA except that it mops.

SO

when i’m a majillionaire i’m gonna buy me like 20 ROOMBAS and 20 SCOOPAS and put them all in my living room and have a little mini robot civil war. will they work together to clean my house or tear each other apart? maybe they will just gently run into each other a lot, or get stuck in a corner like a big robot bumper car pile-up. most importantly, i’m only putting out ONE CHARGER. maybe that won’t make a difference- perhaps there is only one ROOMBA for every charger unit and one charger unit for every ROOMBA and they are destined to be with one another. it is so robot romantic! if that is true then the one lucky ROOMBA will go back to its love-charger and everyone else will wander around like assholes. but if it is NOT true, then they will climb over each other like crabs in a barrel in a desperate attempt to make it back home before their precious life-juice runs out. WHO WILL MAKE IT BACK? it’s a robot battle of wits TO THE MAX!
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
aaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH!

ungh

sudden onset of "what the fuck am i going to do with my life?" crisis

i know, i know. we all go through this. and i'm only 23 so there's no reason to panic. blahblah blah.

do i really want to spend $60,000+ on an MFA? is it worth trying to learn digital art at this point in my life when i have no experience? do i need a piece of paper to get a job in the creative industry? would i have to move to miami to work for crispin porter + bogusky?

sigh

all i know
is whatever i do
it won't be neuroscience


(well, probably)
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
MORE blind lepers

FIRST: i get physically ill when people say "that's funny" in response to something i say or do. NO IT ISN'T! if it were funny you'd be laughing. obviously i fucked up. that's ok, i can own up to that.
just
don't
CODDLE me


in case you were wondering, yes, i was totally scott in that last post.

by scott i mean high.

it's a little euphemism we developed in college while we were fuckin around in the basement as P__B__A__. he knows why. but you know, god bless the boy for being able to contribute valuable offers to a scene while asleep. he's blue chips, i tells ya.


blah blah blah something of value; meaningful intellectual discourse flim flam flee
it really makes you think
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
mirxed freelings; extrra r's

a show tonight, huzzah!

i am pleased rare bird show got in. i'm disappointed P__B__A__ didn't. i'm not surprised; it's not like we've ever performed together under that name. it's not like anybody knows who lemar, chris, scott, and alexis are.

we'll try to fix that

(for next year)

perhaps an alternative venue? i mean, we're all going to be in NY that weekend. i'd be up for putting down a flattened carboard box in the middle of the park. i don't need me a fancy stage or nuthin. just good people.

see you all in july
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
a letter to FRIENDS

dear you,

i worried that last post was cocky, but then i realized it was just confidence. and confidence is sexy, no?

i met an attractive engineer on friday. he has two hairless kittens and a nice apartment. those things made me think he was gay! i men, really- hairless cats? also he was wearing pressed clothing.

WRONG!

he's moving to florida in two weeks. oh well. lately i don't seem to keep them around past 2 weeks anyway. i used to get emotionally invested in people too soon and that never worked out. so now i'm doing the polar opposite.

eventually

there will be
BALANCE

you know i
thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em
cause i don't fuckin need em
take em out the hood, keep em lookin good
but i don't fuckin feed em
YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

love,
alexis

ps 26.78
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
24 hour mood swing people

wow, what a cycle of moods in just 24 hours!

yesterday i was high on the hog cause everything was going my way. i felt fun, attractive, AND productive (i did 5 hours of work on a sunday! a SUNDAY!).

then walking home from the lab things started to turn... a horrible creeping feeling started swelling up from my intestines. at first i thought it was because the crazy guy in my neighborhood was prowling around by the Fiesta Pizza shop. it could have been that, but it was also that i started to freak out about improv- feeling like i was on the verge of or already in a plateau. i'm more confident about my work than i have ever been, but that doesn't mean my progress will always be linear. FACT! things are gonna dip.


ungh there's a bunch more (mostly crap about the engineer and EVERYTHING not working at work today- also just BEING at work today) but all i want to do is go home and do laundry. maybe make-out!
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
halfsies and wholesies on the decision front

no make-out. though i did get hit on by a nice young man in the late-night chinese take-out place. he could have used some teeth, but still, it's always nice when people are upfront.

i've been extended a half-assed offer to drive to florida. i'm half-tempted to bite. i think i'll wait to see if the offerer really meant it- especially the part about funding the return, cause i've got to save my pennies for a class- a UCB class!

YO WHAT IS UP WITH MY USE OF HYPHENS TODAY
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
all over the BRAIN MAP

NEW AVATAR WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

so distractable today. i was writing a g-mail (i heart google) and actually noticed one of the retardo ads on the side, because it was www.bird-diaper.com

HOW COULD I NOT CLICK ON IT

today as i walked from my house to work i watched the other people on the street and tried to capture them by mimicing their walk. people have very unique ways of walking; some with their toes pointed out and some with their toes pointed in. some people have tight knees, from which their lower legs SNAP OUT with each step. one girl had very tight shoulders that tipped forward, with her locked-elbow straight arms clenched to her sides. it was as if she was trying to push a ball uphill with her forehead.

is that how you spell forehead? suddenly it doesn't look right.

one thing rare bird matt and i have in common is we have weird capitalization habits. two things we do not have are 1) he has a workshop this weekend and 2) he has a clean-house.

friday i'ma do some improv for some jews becoming men and then i'ma do some improv for people who like Disinhibition Juice (i.e., alcohol). why did i say friday. i meant saturday. saturday.

tomorrow i will pick my favorite stories i heard this week.

sudden closing FREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK OUT
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
welcome back mister kot-ter!

ungh i totally said i was going to write something on friday and then
i DIDN'T; the reason why is the grant application completely took over
my life that day. i worked from 1030 am to 730 pm without stopping.
really! i didn't even fuck around on the internet. NOT EVEN ONCE!

i said i'd tell my favorite stories from the week. here they are!

ONE i was on the phone with nathan and suddenly he said "i just saw a
guy on a bike get hit by a car. i have to go." the guy was fine, but i
spent a little bit of time freaking out

TWO chris told me about sometime a year or 2 ago when he was walking
up broad street from south philly to center city late at night and
some dude walks up to him, gives him the elbow-bump greeting, and says
"yo it's me, Hustleman! where you goin, the broad street diner? let's roll together!"
unfortunately chris had to inform Hustleman that he would be flying solo that night.


hypnotoad show went awesome. am looking forward to next one wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
i'll be coming round the mountain IN A VAN

in case anyone was wondering, i am so in love with this new avatar.

i like guided by voices more and more every day. well, i sure missed the boat on that one.

on a sadder note, there is some dumb shit going on in philly improv. i don't know the whole story, and as such i felt like i shouldn't comment- i'm trying to be Switzerland, see? but you know what? if it affects my community, it affects me, and thusly i can't ignore it. i want us all to do the best fucking work we can. anything that takes away from that prevents me from getting better, and i won't stand for it. put the art form first and yourself second, people, cause guess what? in the grand scheme of things you're irrelevant.

that right there was for everybody. we could all use a little more humility. egos out of improv NOW!

on a happier note, i will probably be starting a rookie-centered CSZJHHSUAG side-project (WHY the extra letters YAHHHHHHHHGHHGHH!!!!). hooray ANOTHER group! who needs a social life NOT ME!!!
(i have a bird)
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
here is something so awesome you are going to soil yourself:

www.sugarbushsquirrel.com

i almost cried when i saw the "sugar bush runs for class president!" photo. god i love psychos.

the most exciting thing i did this week was call my senators. i told some dude in arlen specter's office that the bush administration needs to be held accountable for editing scientific content in publications on global warming; i told some dude in rick santorum's office that Assata Shakur should be given amnesty; lastly, i reamed some dude who who works for wisconsin-based moron Danny LeMahieu, who wants to ban certain forms of birth control in public universities.
wheeeee! politics are fun!

dc for the weekend, or at least part of it. yeeeehaw.
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
wonky tonk

dc was fun. my coworker went there, too (on a separate trip). we're like twins or something- we even have confusingly similar names (alexis! vs alexxai!). we both stayed for just one night and took the amtrak home as if we were rich. EERIE! he wins, though, cause his drunk friends gave him a crazy haircut.

i had such fun at the show on sunday at fergie's pub. how awesome is 13 skirts? you probably don't know (you jerk!) so i will tell you: completely awesome. i did a scene where i was a senior citizen held captive at banana republic who was also prejudice against "island wonkys". island wonky is a racial slur for someone from the phillipines (in that world, anyway).

i am totally going to own up to the fact that i was folding chinos at banana republic only because LeMar did it first (thanks, general). i didn't initiate that we were at banana republic, but once we were there, i gotta fold chinos. i just gotta.

SCREAM!

ps if you haven't gone here yet what are you stalling for! i am not kidding it is the greatest thing EVER!

and i rarely exaggerate
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
you've been PENGUINED!

hey i made out with tux the penguin again. that was sweet.

comedysportz rehearsal was kinda blah last night. we didn't warm up (i hate that), we played a bunch of new games that everybody (especially me) struggled with, and i hated everything i did until the very end, when i was the naiive person for the guessing game 5 things. i'm good at it, damn it. if my team has to play that this weekend i'ma volunteer to guess (if they'll let me). much more fun to guess than to give clues. sentence fragment.

it was weird to come of such a good show on sunday with the good people of hypnotoad and then have a crappy practice. if i had to choose i think i would rather be good at longform and scenework, but i actually want to be good at everything. there were just so many scenes where i felt completely lost. i don't like feeling that way. i never feel that way anymore, especially not in improv. I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOO!

or else i fake it.

i won't stress. i'm sure everything will be ok.
i want chocolate.
 

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
i feel political today

ugh, bill frist is such a retard.

Frist Stands by Statements on Schiavo

if you can't get the link, it basically quotes Frist as saying he never made a diagnosis of terri schiavo, he thinks he did the right thing the whole time, and now that the autopsy is back we should all just move on?

where's the part where he agrees he exploited the private matter of a family to drive support for his 2008 presidential ambition from the vocal minority factions?

and where's the part where he gets held accountable for abusing his authority as a doctor to convince people into one wing of the political battle over Ms Schiavo's life and the larger issues it supposedly symbolized?

WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO WE NOT HOLD PEOPLE ACCOUNTABLE!!!!

worse yet, why can't people just admit when they dropped the ball? just say you fucked up. just say it. being a better christian than a lot of christians (except for the part where i have to believe that jesus is the son of some bearded white dude in a robe, on a throne, blessing sinners in the sky), i am pretty good at forgiving people. so just say it was your fault!!

that's all i want to hear
 
Last edited:

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
permanet mania

ok, so today i smell like whiskey and feet but i don't care. everything is going right and it has been for some time. i have the privilege of working with some of the most amazingly talented people. if you are reading this and you know my bird's name i mean YOU! if you don't know my bird's name it's probably because you're way awesome and you taught me everything i know. or you're a jerk. whatever, coz- right now failure is simply inconceivable.

and so what if i put in buzz about my own show? i DO look pretty in that dress.

mainstage. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
 
Last edited:

amutepiggy

crappy hepburn
bouncing's what tiggers do best

oh boy!

wild mood swing up and down this weekend. what else is new?


now i feel...like a normal person.


weird.



ps i created a new character on saturday called carol ann. she raises cats for show and believes in elvis and may or may not have murdered a persialayan rival at the southern regional championships last year. also i think there's a teenage hall monitor from india in me waiting to get out
 
Top