Dear Professor Bibliothecarius,
Do you have any idea of what a Dirty Sanchez might be? Some older kids were talking about it and laughing at the Kentucky Fried Chicken. I tried to listen in more closely, but one of them threw a cup full of ice at me so I got out of there. Since you were such a great help with my question concerning Alabama Hot Pockets, I thought I’d ask you about this. Sincerely, Aidan Novak, Grade 8. St. Grellmock’s Prep, Buffalo, NY.
Dearest Aidan,
Hmmm, projectile throwing of gelid matter in a Buffalonian Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. Fascinating. It seems that even the most brutish of Buffalonians have a deep hatred of Kentucky Fried Chicken despite the conditioning provided by a constant barrage of commercials. Their conscious minds may have been happy consumers, but their deep unconscious knew that they were betraying their ancestors, possibly from pure ancestral memory alone, perhaps aided by the dismayed shrieks of the ghosts of fallen Buffalonians, must do more research, causing intense self-hatred that manifested itself in launching a projectile. I am certain that the presence of the ice is not an accident. Hurling the gelid matter may be an attempt to salve a burning conscience, projected on to you. Or perhaps hurling a container of water, although frozen, harkens back to our Australopithecine ancestor’s penchant for displaying displeasure through micturating on the cause of one’s displeasure. Buffalo has such marvelous mysteries to unravel. In any case, it sounds like those boys are a bunch of rough characters. It would behoove you to avoid them.
Dirty Sanchez, or more accurately, Luis “Dirty” Sanchez is a who, not a what. It is no surprise that such ill bred violence prone individuals were speaking of him. He was one of their ilk. Luis Sanchez was born in 1909 to Maria Sanchez a San Antonio prostitute known for her willingness to perform the most outrageous acts. Although uneducated she managed to duplicate 79% of the acts depicted in the Gomorrah Tractates, including the extremely difficult Three Dancing Camels. (Note to self, must send overdue notice to Professor O’Briareus.). Maria Sanchez, died of Hepatitis in 1918, leaving her son Luis to fend for himself on the mean streets of San Antonio. Luis soon joined a street gang and by the age of 14 became it’s leader after challenging the previous leader to a boxing match and stabbing him with a knife he had hidden up his sleeve, thus gaining the nickaname Dirty. His intellect, charisma and brutality allowed him to consolidate power over all San Antonio street gangs by 1927, be the undisputed kingpin of San Antonio crime by 1930, and control of the south Texan underworld by 1935. He was the 4th greatest criminal in the United States from 1935-1947, but J. Edgar Hoover so hated Hispanics that he refused to put him on the ten most wanted list. In 1946, deciding that he wanted the prestige that comes along with success in legitimate business, Luis Sanchez, decided to start a cosmetics company in 1946. It specialized in brown lipstick and moustache wax for brunettes and was very popular in the late 1940’s. Unfortunately, he cut a lot of corners, and although his products looked good, they were unsafe to use, and many people caught diseases from them. By 1950, the number of people adversely affected by the product became too large for even a man capable of corrupting most law enforcers and intimidating most complaintants, and President Truman hired a special prosecutor to handle the problem. Luis Sanchez was sentenced to ten years in federal prison for violating health rules. The New York Post’s headline of April 4, 1951, “Dirty” Sanchez has egg on face, helped popularize his nickname. Prison was difficult for Luis Sanchez. The life of a crime lord and entrepreneur had cost him the edge he needed to ascend the underworld, but left him a great sense of entitlement. His fellow inmates put him in his place by performing various indignities on him that I will not mention to a thirteen year old, and he died from an infection on October 8, 1954. I hope that this will be a lesson to you.
Polygnostically yours,
Bibliothecarius.
