Notes from the Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute

mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#1
Buddha.

Pythagoras.

Newton.

Cayce.

Bibliothecarius.

Only a handful of individuals in each universal cycle attain the Gnosis,
raising them far above hoi polloi like philosophers living among swine.
Professor Milo Bibliothecarius sallies forth from his stronghold in the
Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute's Special Collections Room Omega to combat
ignorance, although in this Kali Yuga ignorance seems to be winning.

I had the good fortune to run into Professor Bibliothecarius while serving
at my public library branch. It was not an auspicious meeting. He was on
his way back from the dentist and wanted some light reading for the bus ride
back to his quarters in the Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute, as he had
finished The Chemical and Alchemical uses of Cadmium, Dr. Pieret van Der
Waals, Utrecht Press, 1963, 502 pgs, while in the waiting room. He was
sorely disappointed that my branch had 27 Curious George titles on hand, but
not even a record for The Melkite Qabala, Le Mutre's Fungi of Madagascar or
the love poems of Malik Otoboo in the original Yoruban.

Next he launched into a twenty minute fulmination against the Dewey Decimal System. I am very passionate about librarianship, and have on more than one occaision engaged in fisticuffs in the course of defending Melvil Dewey's opus. But twenty minutes of an ex tempore speech by a man, nay, demi-god, who was still suffering from the effects of nitrous oxide overturned years of indoctrination and induced me to become his
acolyte.

Professor Milo Bibliothecarius has been gracious enough to share his wisdom
with humanity, but so far humanity has reacted like a troupe of howler
monkeys at a physics lecture, albeit with more feces throwing. He thought
that television would be the best way to reach people, but unfortunately the
only show he that accepted him was a late night public access show staffed by
semi-advanced simians that is on indefinite hiatus due to lawsuits
instituted by the Church of Scientology, the Black Israelites The Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Salt Lake City and Kallaa Nuunavella branches,
Kirstie Alley and NAMBLA. Even it weren’t, he’s found that his lectures have a disturbing tendency to be interrupted by the staff’s snoring, or worse yet, cut off completely by whatever rock star or monkey wrangler they have managed to find as a guest.

I hope my efforts at giving him an online presence will prove more
successful.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#2
Question 1

As part of his mission to educate, Professor Bibliothecarius answers questions posed by the general public. If you have any questions that you wish to see answered by the Professor either in this Journal or on the Midafternoon With Curtis Lee show, please send an email.

Dear Professor Bibliothecarius, my friend Polly and I have a disagreement only you can settle. Polly says unicorns are just make believe, while I saw a real live unicorn in the circus when I was a kid. Professor Bibliothecarius please tell Polly I’m right.

Love, Madison Arianna Rhatigan.
Norwalk, CT

Actually Madison, both of you are symptoms of what is wrong with our educational system. I’d worry about the future of our nation except that this universe will be rebooted on 14 monkey dagger ocelot, or for those who don’t know the Mayan calendar, June 12, 2012. I hope your senior prom is before that little Madison, but if it isn’t I can assure you that it would have been a disappointment.

You are both wrong, but sadly Madison, your errors are by far the more egregious. Polly is a victim of simple ignorance, you suffer from terminal gullibility. The "unicorn" you saw is a goat that was a victim of a hideous procedure where as an infant its horn buds were ripped out and implanted in a hole gouged into the center of its skull. The resulting horn winds up being twice as thick as a normal horn and rather resembles a true unicorn horn to those unfamiliar with the genuine article. The operation causes indescribable agony and makes these unicorn goats so delicious, especially in a curried stew. The first known false unicorn was one of the attractions in Horst Wechsel’s traveling circus, which traveled through Bavaria from 1729 to 1741 when the entire company was burnt as witches in the town of Schochlossel. A similar process was used to create the unicorn man of Instanbul, who, through misadventure became grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire from 1789 to 1794.

As for Polly’s assertion that unicorns are make believe, while the noble species Monocerous Orientalis has certainly accreted a shell of fiction like some cotton candy fungus, rest assured that they did exist. Their range was Central Asia through what is now Uzbeckistan, Kazakhistan, Mongolia, Northern China and Southern Siberia. Fossils have been found as far West as Central Iran, but these pre-date human habitation of the area. They used to be the masters of the Central Asian steppe. Medieval caravan reports the herds could be heard from twenty miles away and that it would take 3 days for it to go past at full gallop. Their only natural enemies were the Siberian Tiger and the Greater Eastern Griffin, two species that have been put under great stress by the species’ extinction. Organized hunts started with the Ph’ung Dynasty of China. Czarist expansion and demand for unicorn pelts and horns in Moscow and St. Petersburg added to the stress. The need for meat for the builders of the Trans-Siberian railroad further endangered the animal and Stalin’s 1927 proclamation of the unicorn being an aristocratic enemy of the proletariat, due to a tragic mistranslation of Das Capital into Georgian, lead to the animal’s extinction in the territory of the former Soviet Union. The last wild unicorn was killed in 1970 due to the Red Guards misinterpreting one of the Chairman Mao’s aphorisms as proof that unicorns were counter-revolutionary. It seems that the term unicorn was used to allude to Japan in the 1967 aphorism and the august chairman never got around to explaining things. 11th century animal husbandman Tanvir Waqaas slave to Shah Ibrik Ghemal was the only sucessful unicorn breeder and he did not pass on his techniques. The last unicorn, Princess Priscilla Fluffy Rainbow died in the London Zoo in 1987. Well, that’s all the time I have dear dear Madison. I hope you found it elucidating and that the consequences of losing your wager aren’t too dire.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#7
Errata to Question 1

Um, hi.

Mike here.

I, uh, feel ungrateful to mention this, but I’m now serving two masters with the new one exerting a much greater pull. Mr. Mullaney, Prof. Bibliothecarius was very disappointed that the IRC does not allow for typing in Mayan hieroglyphs. Please remedy this at your earliest convenience.

Oh dear, I think I might be in trouble now.
 

mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#8
Arcanaum

The angelic equivalent of juvenile delinquents used to enjoy throwing "rocks" through Carl Sagan's windows. 81.4% of the time the "rocks" were at least partially composed of matter not native to this universe.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#10
Arcanum

Puppets have a .034% chance per hour of use of becoming infected with an evil spirit and gaining an unholy power of mobility. This was first noted after a rash of ventriloquist dummies running amok in the mid 1930’s, one of the causes of the death of vaudeville. Famous puppets that have had to be put down include Mortimer Snerd, Sam the Eagle, the Swedish Chef and three different versions of Kermit the Frog. Particularly worrying was a Bert that got got loose and is apparently still at large, most likely in Central Asia.

Because of this, professional puppeteers have to retire their puppets annually, on the anniversary of their receipt of their licenses, and warnings have accompanied all puppets sold in the United States since 1980. Similar legislation was passed in Canada in 1962. The original Howdy Doody was kept in a bulletproof glass case in a secure area of the Smithsonian Institution, but five minutes with a nostalgic George W Bush in 2002 lead to its coming to life and only quick action by the secret service kept the idol of millions from killing the president. None of the secret servicemen had the heart to kill the demonically possessed adorable little cowboy, and the homunculus is now kept in a secure bunker. The creature does not sleep and spends its time verbalizing and pantomiming obscenities that have shocked seasoned sex crimes investigators for the FBI. He supposedly has a hilarious rendition of the Aristocrats, but he was forbidden to be filmed due to the impact it might have on the nation’s psyche.

Interestingly enough the first sculpt of the Baby Alive doll had a .55% chance per hour of similarly suffering from demonic possession, but slight modifications to the design has fixed this flaw.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#11
Fun Fact

OK, I haven’t heard from the Professor in a while. He’s been in a séance for a few days working on Nicola Tesla’s autobiography. But this whole Fun Fact things seems great, so here’s something I got from Entertainment Weekly’s Greatest Hits of 1993 CD.

Positive K adopted the name "Positive Knowledge Allah" after converting to Islam.
Snow was framed for a double murder in 1989

Can’t wait to see what’s in the 1994 CD.

Entertainment Weekly’s Greatest Hits of 1993, as well as other disks in Entertainment Weekly’s collection, may be found in the branches of the Brooklyn Public Library. Suck on that Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute!
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#12
Notes on Nomenclature

The Professor is still busy with the ghost of Nicola Tesla. When he starts a task he can keep at it for days on end without sleeping and eating, being nourished only by a fruit concoction developed by Amazonian Rainforest shamans with certain refinements made by East German chemists in the 1950’s, supplied to him on a regular basis by the Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute’s graduate students. So anyway, I might as well take this opportunity to explain how I divided up the various notes from the Professor.

Professor Milo Bibliothecarius is the leading authority most fields of knowledge, superceding all other authorities, texts and even the evidence of one’s own senses. Unfortunately, most of mainstream academia refuse to acknowledge his genius. Whether it is due to stupidity, jealousy or active cooperation with interests that seek to foster universal ignorance (Yes, King Amhaxulphar of the subterranean race known as Derroes, I mean you) I don’t know, but the enlightened ones still have to work in the world of darkness and should outwardly comply with the expectations of ignorant authority figures when necessary. Because of this, I have labeled as Fun Facts those gobbets of knowledge that can be verified in mainstream resources, while the Arcana are facts that 99.9% of the world are not yet willing to accept.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#13
OK, I've received word that the professor finished the book at 1 PM today and retired to his chambers for Hypnobaric Sommnus. A sort of high intensity sleeping first discovered by Genghis Khan. Since he started the book on 9 AM Friday, I'm not sure how long he's going to be out.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#14
The Professor is still sleeping. Maybe I should write about me. Um.

I woke up to Crazy Train this morning. Jack 101.1 FM is cool.

Uh.

I played a four person game of Kitty wants a corner yesterday, that was pretty wild.

Nertz, come on, come on.

I had a guy come in who wanted a book on the United Nations, but the one he wanted was checked out so I had to put out a hold for it.

I hope the Professor wakes up soon.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#15
The Professor's still sleeping. 27 hours straight so far.

I got an email from some guy named Jebediah saying that the show Mid Afternoon with Curtis Lee has been picked by a Manhattan Public Access cable channel (MNN) for the fall season. However, despite its name, it will most likely be shown after midnight due to mature language, and will definitely be the wildest, funniest show in its time slot.

I really don't see what this has to do with the Professor, wild and funny are the words that come to mind when one thinks of him, although he has come up with some mildly amusing Differential Equations. Maybe public access cable requires some degree of educational content, like went Stephen Hawking co-starred in that show with Al Goldstein.

Anyway, I hope that those of you who live in Manhattan will watch or record the show when it airs in October.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#16
The Professor woke up at 8 but went out to see the Fantastic Four movie. Not exactly what I expected from him. As far as I know he's still out there. Being the scribe for an eccentric genius is not the glamorous job I thought it would be.

I 've gotten good news personally though. I've been selected to be in one of Gotham City Improv's Ensemble teams. I'll be playing with a bunch of wonderful, funny people I've worked with before, and will have Marc Adam Smith an Improvisor I like and respect as my coach. Oddly enough, I've also heard that Marc and many of my future teammates are involved with that Mid Afternoon with Curtis Lee project. I'll have to see it myself one of these days.
 

mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#17
I was brushing my teeth in an effort to get ready for bed when my reflection put down the tooth brush, reached out from the mirror and pulled me in. My "reflection" was a fetch sent by the Professor who had been looking over the website. It ordered me to fix the spelling and grammatical mistakes and refrain from posting in either the Fun Facts or Arcana section. I decided to not argue the point, even though it is my journal, because otherwise I would have been trapped in mirror world and my bio-chemistry would not be able to digest the reversed molecules in mirror world food. It would be a good place for dieters, eat as much as you want and lose weight, except that the reversed chemicals might be poisonous. More research needs to be done. Fortunately, the Fetch delivered me to this dimension after relaying his message, leaving me shaken but unharmed.

I will not make any further lapses of judgment regarding 90's Hip Hop trivia in the Fun Facts section, but to be on the safe side I'm removing all of my apartment's mirrors and soaping up the fixtures in my shower, much like I did during my days in Catholic school.

Oh, and Professor Milo Bibliothecarius recommends the Fantastic Four movie to comic book fans. He's not sure how appealing it would be to non fans.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#18
Question 2

Dear Professor Bibliothecarius,

I have spent the past five years dating a married man. He says he loves me more than anything, but he has been unable to file divorce papers for astrological reasons. Has it really been an unusually bad time for initiating divorce proceedings, or has he been stringing me along? He was born on July 14, 1961 and his wife on September 2, 1964. His daughters were born on March 2, 1990 and April 5, 1995 if this helps.

Signed name withheld, Seacaucus, NJ.

Dear Valerie, oops, name withheld.

I’ll be happy to do the calculations. I’m somewhat hampered by not having the time of day your lover and his wife were born, but it seems that November 15-20, 2003, April 8-14 2004, August 11-September 2, 2004 and March 3, to May 5, 2005 were auspicious times for your man to initiate divorce proceedings against a Virgo. The next good time will be September 19 to the 21st. I hope this was helpful, but I must admit that I am not the best person to go to for relationship advice. I may have isolated the phlogiston from flame and communed with extra-dimensional intelligences, but the human heart is still a mystery to me. I cannot tell if your lover was lying. He may have honestly made a mistake in the calculations. Not everyone is as smart as me. I hate having to do this, but I now ask, you my reader’s for help. If anyone has any advice for this woman, please email me. You may also email me with questions of your own. I will include your name with your comments unless you request that your privacy be guarded.
 
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mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#19
Correction

mikelibrarian said:
Entertainment Weekly’s Greatest Hits of 1993, as well as other disks in Entertainment Weekly’s collection, may be found in the branches of the Brooklyn Public Library. Suck on that Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute!
I should never disparage the Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute's collection in any way. The Brooklyn Polygnostic Institute owns copies of every disk in the Entertainment weekly collection that has been and will be made. Up until 2011, the last year of the series.
 

mikelibrarian

Lost in the stacks.
#20
Question 3

Hey Bibbo,
My frat brothers and me were getting high and of them said Yearley Smith, the short chubby chick who does the voices for the Simpsons was in a triple X movie. I call bullshit. I found nothing on google, and you can find anything there. But my brother says he googled her once. So what’s the deal. Did my buddy see some other short chubby chick, was she doing the voices for some freaky underaged hentai character or what?

Signed, Simponlover@uwisc.edu.

First , I am to be addressed as Professor Bibliothecarius. Second it's my frat brothers and I. Third the actress’s name is YEARDLEY Smith. And fourth, and most importantly, I AM PROFESSOR MILO BIBLIOTHECARIUS. I have translated Atlantean scrolls into Ugaritic Cuneiform. I have enjoyed extraterrestrial poetry. I created a Philospher’s Stone for my seventh grade science project. I DO NOT ANSWER POP CULTURE QUESTIONS.
 
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