Not a sixth grade issue

[hotnoodles]

Two Years is Enough

And so it is done. I have signed my contract. I am scheduled to host. I am officially moving to North Carolina. I am in such amazement that I am doing this. I am giving up so much. But I can't think of it like that. I have to look at it like I am really going to grow so much from this.

You know what is really cool is that I am figuring out what is really important to me. Improv makes me so happy. I get the adreneline rush from doing it. It makes me happy to see people grow from it. It's sad to see people come in and out of my life due to it, but you know. That's alright. I can benefit from meeting lots of people. I am looking forward to it. It feels good to say that improv plays such a huge role in my life.

So now I'm anxious. I'm anxious that I will be out of place in this new improv community. I am worried that my improv is not up to par. I think that's probably my biggest fear right there. I have never been a shining star. Well, I take that back. I was a shining star when I was with ComedySportz. But ever since I started doing this scenic shit my confidence has been shook. It's been humbling, yet I keep turning back to it. That is the thing that really makes my gears turn.

Alright. Well, I'm not feeling really reflective right now. I'm at my aunt's house. My computer is dead so I'm typing in a foreign environment. Almost not safe to share. Hmm. Interesting concept.

I will keep in touch.

ps. You know, I have really been out of improv for a while. Not due to lack of desire. Just due to lack of opportunity. I'm really looking forward to these next three months. I grew so much last year. I can't wait to see what will happen for me in this new environment. However scary it may seem.

 

[hotnoodles]

I am sitting on an excersize ball in my dimmly lit classroom. My face stings with tears. I listen to the eletronica music from itunes. I'm really really happy. I'm also so very scared.

We just had our final staff meeting and the principal sent me off. Said wonderful flowerly things about my importance at this school. I started crying as soon as he started talking. I was handed a token gift (quite nice if you ask me) and a card with everyone's sentiments. Afterwards people came up to me and hugged me and talked with me about my future plans. I really started to cheer up when I talked to Sallie. She is so great. She is going to find all the different hideouts she used to go to. She is going to get me hooked up with her friends down there. I will not be alone. I kinda feel like they will end up being my aunt Jean of NC. I'm scared, but I'm so excited.

I went to my last rehearsal for SCI last night. It was so much fun. I was hyped up on endorphines. In true form. And there was some stuff that Kris said that really sunk in this time. The formulaic establish an environment, a relationship, a conflict and a resolution was huge. I don't know why I didn't see it before. But it is so good for me. I love that I can have a check list of this that might be missing if I need it. I am a check list queen. We also did a conflict/resolution activity that was really cool too. We had to stay with the conflict a long time until we were told to switch. I was so interesting to keep the conflict going, whether I wanted to resolve it or not. And the same with a resolution. To be cool with someone for such a long time. Really stretched the words that came out of my mouth. Hmmmm, here's a thought. I wonder about the way I approach improv. In the beginning I did it just for fun. I just wanted to play. But last night I actually spent time listening and paying attention. Did I do this last night because was ready to learn? Was it just a matter of paying attention? Hmm.

Alright, I need to pee and I'm 20 minutes from home. Need to go take apart my computer. Bring it to school for Molly. Blah.

Love you all.

 

[hotnoodles]

I am so scared. So, so scared. I'm giving up my family, my nice home, my fabulous job, my friends, my pets. What if I don't get what I want out of this new experience? What if my job falls through. What if I'm not good enough. What if, what if?

I got the stomache flu on Friday and had to cancel an appearance at OTW. I was bummed I had to cancel, but the bug turned out to be legit. It's Monday now and I can finally stand up on my own. I was super bummed because that would have been my last chance to play with Kyle. I love that guy. He is so great. I assume I will be able to play next Friday. God, who knows anything.

I really wish I could get a big hug right now and hear that everything will be ok. That this was a good desicion. Right now all I'm hearing is," WHY are you going to North Carolina. Don't go, we'll miss you." I know all this. All of logic and reason says I should not be going. But I have to! I know this will be so good for me. There was a while back when I felt that, I just haven't heard it in a while. I will learn so much about improv. I will learn about culture. I will learn what it's like to move across the country. I will make new friends. Heck, my closest friend could just be waiting for me to get out there.

I'm signed up for Ross's 101 class. I think that's a really good thing. Mainly becuase I will be immersed in the improv culture as soon as I get there. I think the quicker that happens the better for me. I asked Zach if I could do his level five class, we'll see on that. I acutually want to see all of it as quickly as possible. I think of myself as a dried up sponge just waiting for some improv moisture. It makes me happy thinking about all this. I should stick to that.

You know, I hate to admit this, but I have this thing against other women improvisers. I'd like to think I don't. I'd like to think I was supportive of every female I meet. But there are some out there that just rub me the wrong way. I think mainly because I feel threatened by them. Blah. That is such horse shit. Why would I do that to people. Very much not my style. I think I'm cool with a lot of people. Like the skirts. I love my girls. But I think that's because I have spent time with them and I respect them. Some of the girls I have problems with I haven't even met. I haven't even got to know. Which again is horse shit. So, I need to get over it. Get to know a fellow femproviser before I make judgement. I know I can do that.

Alright. I'm out. I'm a mess today.

Laine.

ps. I realize that people read my journal for recreation. Feel free. I am cool with that. But please please don't judge me because of my thoughts. These are just my feelings at the moment, it doesn't mean I am like this always. It is unfair to label me based off one of my fleeting thoughts passing through my head. With that being said, Happy Memorial Day everyone!

 

[hotnoodles]

Jumping Jelly Beans

That's what I feel like right now. Like there are jumping jelly beans in side of me. I'm so freakin' excited. Everything I own is either in or on a uhaul product. If you asked me where my bedspread is I really couldn't tell you. Heheh. I love it.

So, shall we talk improv? Yes, let's. I'm really happy with the past couple of weeks. Last week was a big bummer. Didn't get to perform with my favorite people. But something cool happened. On monday when I was feeling better one of the females that I talked about earlier was at scotties. I just didn't really care and I had fun playing around with her. Just sorta got over my stupid girl qualities. Go me.

So, then I performed at OTW in ogden on friday. It was so much freakin' fun. Which i'm glad about. It's very much a boys club up there and the audience likes their regulars. But I got up there and did awesome. It was way fun.

And now I am packed and ready to go. I get to join my 101ers this thursday. I really really can't wait. And then I host Friday. Could life get much better than this? I mean really.

Alright. I'm going to skidaddle.

 

[hotnoodles]

Well, I think I am finally starting to settle in. My word. This was not a smooth transition. Actually, it probably was. I have a tendency to over react to little things. I have lived here for a week. I have found a place to live, set up my cell phone, gone to my first class, hosted a show, and totally unpacked my house. Yeah, things aren't as bad as they seem.

I am so happy with the improv here. I love it. I went to my first class last week. It was great. I certainly had heard all the stuff that was being taught, it was just being taught in such a formal way. It wasn't jumbled. I didn't have to try to figure it out. It actually made sense. I loved it. Last week we worked on relationships. It was pretty cool to set up a skill in front of me and work solely on that. Relationships. Figure out who the fuck the person is in front of you. Name them. Make them yours. It was great. I really enjoyed the lessons. I am looking forward to the rest of the class.

So then I hosted Friday night. Ha! I don't think I should host again. It ceratinly isn't my strong suit. Well, maybe not yet. I was tired, I was talking to the wrong audience. Ahh, well. Learning experience. The improv was great though. I love it because after the shows I can actually talk to people after the shows about what happened. Everyone is as passioned about it as I am. And I can start to see the lessons that are defined in classes in the shows. That is so cool! I could watch the level four class do a scene and tell what they could do to make the scene better. Yay!

I finally met Zach Ward. Hehehe. The legend exists! Hahah. He seems super cool. Very positive. I was actually pretty worried that my experience in improv would mean nothing here. But Zach was ready to put me into both a level one and level three class. Perfect. That's exactly what I was hoping for.

Get this (I love this improv community). After the show all the improvers went to the training center to play murder. Heheh. It's a childs game. The last time I played it was with my sixth graders on a camping trip. And here I was playing with a bunch of twenty somethingers in a small room in a business building. I love it! I had a great time, even if I was really quiet.

So, that's about it to my new adventure. In about half hour I will head to class again. Then I will have so much more to tell. Yay! And hopefully I will be able to document all this on my new computer tomorrow. Woo hoo. Here's to Friday.

 

[hotnoodles]

Hello Stranger

Hello all. I return. I'm muddling with improv issues. I figure journaling will be the best way to handle it all. I don't know who reads my journal any more. Maybe no one. Maybe a handful of people will be shocked to see that I have posted again. Hmm. Whatever.

Well, I stopped posting because it was sorta creeping me out that people were reading this thing. Like people would start conversations with me about the stuff I had wrote and I had never mentioned it to said people. Weird. But, I have issues. I need to deal.

So I move here and things go down the shitter. My confidence is shook. I am not the same improviser that I was back in Utah. While I feel like I am improving and learning, all the confidence I used to have is gone. Seriously. I get on stage and I freeze. My scene partners offer me so much information and I don't build on it. It's like I don't even hear what they are saying. Or more like I get freaked out at what they are saying. Although I am hearing more of what they are saying than when I was back in Utah. Geeez. I still feel very uncomfortable around the people here. Which is bull shit. I feel so guarded. I am having hard time finding my niche with the people here. I also feel like they are still trying to figure me out too. Like they don't know how to read me. Bullshit. :bleagh:

I feel like I am constantly being judged. Like every performance and every class is an audition. And if I don't do it right there are people just around the corner watching and taking notes. Recording my lack of skill. How can I feel comfortable with this false reality I've created. Or maybe it's not false. Maybe I've just entered into a competitive improv group and I'm not used to it. Perform or die.

You know what was weird. I took a class with Craig Cackowski when I was at the DCM. I was one of two that was not from New York. Like there were fourteen in the class and the there was me and Eric. When I was in that class, with Craig, this amazing performer, I did great. I rocked it out. I jumped into situations. I put myself way out there. I felt like I was absorbing his lessons and using them to the highest potential. So, why can't I feel that way about my experience here?

I wonder if I am putting too much emphasis on this group. As of right now I am depending on them for my success here. Like I moved here for this. It's kind of a sink or swim. I had had converstations with friends involved in this program and I knew that there was a lot of build up to me before I got here. But I wonder if I put pressure on myself too. Like outside of my actual talent and skill. Like, you are moving across the country, you better do well because if you don't you won't have anyone to fall back on. Wow. That's a pretty scary revelation. Connecting my relationships with people to my success in improv. Hoping that people will like me as a person based on the improv I do with them. Jesus. What was I thinking. So, let's rememdy this. Well, I guess I sort of already have. There is contra this weekend. I will be hanging out with Chris and Heather. And I really feel like I will be at home at school. They are awesome there. Hmmm. I've got to keep all this in perspective.

Grrrr. I need to grab the bulls by the horn. I need to just throw myself in there. Treat these people like the people in New York. It doesn't matter what level they are at, you know what to do, so rock it out. And keep your emotions in check. A lot of these feelings are getting in the way of what you are doing here. Don't look at your scene partner as a person that could potentially be your friend/enemy, look at them as the character they are acting as.

Geez. I'll keep you posted.

PS. And what the fuck is up with the stuttering?!?!!! I've started stuttering since I moved here. Like all my lines come out unclear. Like I'm searching for the right word to come out of my mouth. It doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel believable to me. Damn it. It's because I'm so in my head that I can actually hear the words come out. Judging myself as I say them. Damn it! Remeber to stick to your character. Remember to grab a piece of environment. Geez. Fuck it all and enjoy the moment of being somebody else. Take care of yourself damn it!

 

[hotnoodles]

Ahhh, a week passes and I feel better. As Ryan once said to me," your journal is more of a rollercoaster than mine!" Hahaha. That makes me laugh.

The reason I was so down on myself last time was because of a performance. But what really made me feel good was that one of the hardass veterans of the group gave me a compliment. Said I did a nice job. This freakin' blew me away. In some respects you could consider this man the grinch of our little gang. Fairly sarcastic to the point of being hurtful sometimes. But really just a big teddy bear on the inside. And I got a compliment from the Grinch. Awesome. Really really awesome.

This weekend has been quite the adventure for me. I have been coaching the girls team out here. Very interesting. There are times when I feel like I'm totally underqualified. Like I know just as much as the girls do. That I really don't have anything to offer them. But then there are times when I really feel good about what I'm saying and the information and experience I have to offer them. Last night was one of those nights. During their show I felt a change in the way I watched their performance. I was thinking fairly clearly about their moves and considering what they were working on and what was going on on the stage. After the show I felt like I had given some good feedback. They actually thanked me for giving them notes. Kinda cool.

Let's see, what else. My confidence is building. The head hanchos left for the weekend to do a show out of town. I was left in charge of the theater to lock up and stuff. It felt really good to organize everything, get the stage in, count the audience, make sure the teams were ready. Amazing enough, doing that simple job gave me confidence in myself here. I was able to be myself. Be the confident person I know I am. Being around these people and holding my own. Made me feel good. I had fun.

Ok, I need to go do Yoga now. Take care of number one, you know what I'm saying?

 

[hotnoodles]

I think most of all I am tired. Lol. What's this?! Laine is tired? My coteacher said this is the first year he's every had a coteacher that took speed. I'm sure this is meant to be a compliment, but it has made an impact on me. It's no wonder I am so tired. I put a lot of my energy and effort into my job. I love my job.

I have improv thoughts though like a young teenage boy thinks about sex. Anything and everything can set me off. There has been a couple of thoughts that have crossed my mind lately.

The first is this emotional stakes that I bring into a scene. We did this exercise last week where we had to state our emotion at the end of our line, to establish how we feel. It was so easy for me to play into my partner's game when I knew what it was. It felt great to do scenes. So now I just wonder how I tap into that, even though they aren't saying the emotion to me. What do I look for. I get what their words are saying. What their body language is saying. Kinda hard to keep straight though when you are trying to hold onto your own emotion. But practice. Practice, practice.

I'm constantly thinking about TLAG. Their performances. What they need to work on. I'm always thinking about clues that might help me understand if they are getting better or not. It's starting to get easier though. Explaining my thoughts. Communicating what I'm seeing. Now I feel like I deserved to get paid. :loopy:

The last thing. I guess that would be Chicago, only because I was just there. It was such not a big deal to be there. I had built it up in my mind to be this huge fantastic thing. But when I talked to the people and I actually saw what and where these people were performing I really started to understand what it was all about. It was funny because I was talking to one of the guys who was doing the whole IO thing there. He chose to go to Chicago because he thought it was smaller then NY there. That made me laugh. I moved to Chapel Hill be cause I thought I would be swallowed by Chicago. My realities are constantly shifting. It's so great. I'm so glad that I am the age I am. That I can experience and have fun with life as I go. I loved being in Chicago. I loved the big city. The improvisers were fun. My age and fun. It all seemed very grown up. I roll my eyes at me for qualifying it like that, but it's a journal. What the fuck.

Ok. As I said before, I'm tired. I need to crash. Good night people in improv land. I love you. :inlove:

 

[hotnoodles]

So I have had a lot to write lately. Woo. Look at me.

I had my audition for a house team this Monday. I was a little anxious about the whole thing. Hadn't been to class in two weeks. Hadn't been to a show in a while. I was just a little worried. I finished school, weighed in a headed to the audition. It was all very whirlwind. Happened very fast.

I was very pleased with the audition. I knew some of the people there. Made me feel comfortable. There were some people that were my age there with not a lot of experience. Overall I was feeling comfortable. I got to do three things. Two scenes. One monolog. I felt good about the scenes. They were fun for me. The first was a crazy scene with Conklin about living in a pyramid. I identified him. I created a location. I had emotion towards him. It was good. My monolog was alright. I told a story about my grandmother that was rather sad/gross story. Don't like putting her down, just cause she is so great. But it served the purpose. The last scene I was told to play high energy but low status. Makes me laugh thinking about it now. It's hard for me to play low status with anything, let alone my scenes. Ha. But oh, well. I had mucho fun in the scene. There was a fire and Hudson and I were supposed to put it out. It was fun.

Afterwards it was so surreal. Ryan was there. Like for good. I was feelin' pretty jacked because of the audition, but there were all these friends of mine around that were there to audition. Their nerves were high. I didn't want to speculate anything. I felt like I was so let down last time. I just didn't understand the process. It was such a mystery to me. I had feelings of being cheated. I can't really pinpoint anything and I don't want to dwell on the negative. But it was there and it definitely loomed over the past few months.

Last night I got the call. The "we want to cast you" call. I was exhausted when it happened and sort of numb to what was happening. My first thought was how am I going to fit this into my schedule. And then, is this group really the group for me. It was a weird negative response to something I had been waiting for for a while.

I mustered enough energy to go to the show to support my new team. I was so tired and I knew it was going to be a long night, but I did it. It was so strange. I was waiting around the coffee shop and as people started showing up they started congratulating me. I was starting to feel really good. Like I had finally been let into this this secret club. And then my team started to show up. That was really cool. They all seemed so excited to have me on board. I started to really look at who they were. I realized that the people I would be working with were all people that I had connected with in the past three months. People I really liked. I was asked to play in the show and it was great. We had a good time warming up. We had a good time performing. I felt awesome about what I did on stage. I had this great relationship with Nate about strange fetishes and our weird boss Harold. I tried to initiate some organic movement for the second game drinking Pina Colada's, but it wasn't really all that well understood. It was so apparent to me when I walked on stage and started, then waited for my teammates to step and support. I wonder if that is something that will happen often with this team. Or if this will happen often when you are a new person with a group. All thoughts. Time will answer them. After the show we were given notes. This was quite possibly the best part of the evening. The comments that were being given were at a pretty high level of understanding for improv. I really felt like my brain was churning over the things that were being said. And it felt so good. I had been waiting for a while to be treated this way. Or to have things said to me in this way. Hmm. Who knows.

I'm feeling good. That really quiet, laying low, self-preservation good. But I'm recognizing the good feelings I've got going. This is going to be good people.

 

[hotnoodles]

lots of news. Lots of news.

Got placed on a team. Holy hell that feels good. I feel like I am with contemporaries. I'm finally working with people who are at the same understanding of improv as I am. I love it. It's so great. I just melted right into the group. I am so thankful to my team for that. This is going to be wonderful.

I've noticed somethings about my improv lately. Well, let's go positive first. I'm starting to see the patern in things. I recognize what's funny and why it's funny.
I'm learning to be true to my emotions. Figure out how I feel towards my scene partner. It's kinda funny, about half the time I hit it right on the head, the other half I'm kinda out there. Same old Laine.

I've noticed that I have been editing really quickly though. Especially with this group. I kinda went in with the feeling that we needed to pick up the pace with stuff, not let characters and situations sit too long. But then I realized that I was cutting stuff off before the character was set, the relationship was established, the game was found. But what is really cool is that I can recognize it. I can see the stuff as it is happening in the scene. Makes me really happy.

The other thing that I need to work on is the whole agreeing. I may not like it, but I must always agree. Nate said to me in a scene last night,"let's not fight", and I went right on arguing with him. Geez. What was I thinking.

Well, there you go. I feel like I am growing a ton. I am so happy to finally have a group that I can count on. To be with people that really want to have me around. It feels so good. Every time I finish a performance with these people I feel so good.

K. Keep an eye out for the growth.

 

[hotnoodles]

Some thoughts.

Last level two was fun. Very challenging. Fun. It kinda twisted my reality of improv. Very cool. We had characters and then those characters were put into weird situations. Like the kid genius who gets kidnapped by the foreign military. That would be a cool situation.

While doing these exercises I was not really seeing what the point of it was. Well, I knew what was going on and I saw the point. But I wasn't able to stick to my character. Which is a huge duh for me. But beside the point. But then we were asked to start looking for unusual situations to put these characters in. Like a car mechanic on a singles cruise. Very unusual. Very fun. I was one of the first to go and for this I was glad. I got to see the whole lesson sorta piece itself out after I had gone.

Here is what is frustrating to me. I feel like I was just taught this really cool thing. This really cool concept. But I feel like I need to practice it more. Like i need more time to really explore that idea. With people that are on the same page as me. When I go to rehearsal we are working on team stuff. So. Hmm. Frustrating. I guess the best I can do is keep it in my journal and think about it on the way to work each morning. Ha.

Ok, I'm off to bed.

 

[hotnoodles]

Alrighty. We had our final level two class tonight. It was very good. I really enjoyed it. I got a lot of good feedback about my improvising. Here are some things I am working on.

First, this is something I need to pay attention to, a personal goal. Listening. My teammates give me such good information and I tune out. I forget what we did in our opener. I don't remeber fun games. That's just shitty because I get wrapped up in the thoughts in my head rather then what is happening before me. I need to work on that.

Let's see. What were other things that people said. I never play a negative character. I am high energy, but I don't put that high energy into character development. I don't pace myself in my scenework. Like I go really high emotional response without leading up to it. And then last but not least, taking time to place my words. Not automatically responding.

There was good stuff too. Like I am high energy, but I include my scene partner with it. I really liked that compliment.

I was also pretty proud of myself because I was able to give my classmates some good feedback. I was able to look at their performance and evaluate it using the improv tools I know.

Ok, I need to go to bed, but I will spend more time working on these thoughts later.

Goodnight!

 

[hotnoodles]

I'm a pretty dominate person. I like to control things. My relationships, the students I teach. Blah blah. I try to keep myself in check, but I know I do it a lot.

I was thinking about this and my scenework. I was in a scene tonight and I was a male character and I was trying to control my wife. I was telling her what to do, I assumed that she cheated on me. I didn't just accept it. It makes me think that I was trying to control the scene too much. It would have been really fun just to go with the flow and accept that my wife had immaculate conception. Hmmm. Something to watch.

Well, let's try to be positive. Ok. I loved the God character. I loved that I came on stage with a presence when I heard a call for me. I really enjoyed trying to follow all the plots and character developments. I held back when D and Callie were doing their first scene. Let them stew.

K, going to bed.

 

[hotnoodles]

Wow. This post is definetly my way of coping. I'm a mess. Geez.

Well, since this is the Improv Resource Center, let's talk about Improv. I need help with my characters. I get on stage and I loose it. I played this doctor character and as soon as we got into the meat of the scene I lost it. Frustrating that I can't keep a character through a three minute scene. I couldn't even tell that I had done that until it was pointed out afterwards to me. Felt like a dipshit. Which in itself is so stupid. I didn't know. And there is no reason to be hard on yourself. Just learn and get over it. About half way through the class I caught myself being that negative. It was hard to pull myself out of a feeling that was that low, but I sort of got back to it.

When people give me notes, it's just that. Notes. It's to help me get better. I need to listen to what they are telling me and figure out how that works into my understanding of improv.

I need to focus on one thing. I've got so many ideas running through my head when I start a scene. Remember to yes and. Don't fight. Keep your character. Don't foget the details. Look for games. Look for the funny. Watch to see what your partner is offering you. It has stopped being fun for me. Which is ridiculous. I love to do this thing, but it's no fun any more. I get so far in my head. Geez.

I feel like I understand all this stuff. Like I could explain it to anyone. But I do not feel like I have had enough chance to master all the things I have learned. Like the time I spent in Level 1 and 2 were good, but I needed more time practicing it all. I guess that is why I keep taking classes. I am trying to do good things. I am trying to get better at these things I didn't have time to really understand.

I'm also frustrated because I feel like I was trained the wrong way. I feel I have to go back and unlearn all these behaviors that I had before that are now like I third leg here.

Ok. Enough. Forget the stuff that is making me really upset. It does no good to sit and fester. I am choosing one thing. I am going to work on my characters in this class. I am going to have work on my character work and how to improve it. I am not going to worry about yes anding. I am not going to worry about heightening. I am going to work on my character work. I will read the boards and try to figure out how to make the most out of my character work. I will go back and read some of the things I have in my "library". Ha. That is what I will focus on.

 

[hotnoodles]

On a positive note.

Nikki told a story today about how she was at an Indian wedding this weekend. It is a tradition that the little girls on the bride's side steal the grooms shoes. Then the groom has to give the girls something to get the shoes back. Nikki said she was bummed cause they only got twenty dollars. And we were like,"oh, really? How cute, was it split between all the girls?" And she said no twenty each. Then someone asked,"how much were you expecting?" And she replyed with fifty to one hundred dollars. Can you believe that!!!!! Hahahah. I want to marry an Indian man now. Teehee.