Not a sixth grade issue

[hotnoodles]

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

It's not really all that sad, but I am starting to feel a little bummed about the lack of improv I have been doing. Or at least, I feel like I am ready to run with all this stuff floating in my head and I am being held back by something. Or more like I have been gagged and bound, rendering me helpless.

So, update on where I am at. Uh, I was doing the workshops, all that I could make it too. KYSOff, OTW, Quick Wits. I tried to go as many shows as possible. This past week I went to North Carolina and got to see what was goin on there. Pretty awesome if you ask me. It was really cool to see so many people so jazzed on long form. I wish I could have spent a little more time with the improv community there. Oh, well. I had fun doing what I was doing.

Now there two days away until teaching career starts again and all my priorities will change. I am auditioning for a troupe this afternoon, which is really good. My long form troupe still doesn't have a place to perform. There is a huge long form show coming in September and I can't be there. This is the second one I will miss. I'm so bummed. Hmmm. I just feel so stuck. My mind is truly getting this long form stuff. I am starting to feel comfortable on stage. I am enjoying what I am doing. And now that I am here I have to stop the momentum. Or at least slow it down. Depressing to me. Well, I feel good I suppose because I got this far. I worked my ass off this summer. I have come so far. But bummed because I can't keep it going. Hmmmm.

Ok, changing subjects now. I really enjoy talking with Austin. I got back from NC and I called him up to tell him all about it. He shared his improv thoughts with me. I really respect his ideas and get where he is coming from. We have some very similar approaches to things.

I'm going to go. I want to do improv today. The sooner I work out, the sooner I will be with my people, doing what I love.

:up: :wishy:

 

[hotnoodles]

And the happiness is gone. I read my last entry as I was waiting for the site to load. I was pretty up beat last time I wrote.

I have hit a wall.

I need to take a break.

I poured my life into improv this summer. I went to every workshop I could get into. I worked everywhere they would put me on stage. I traveled across the country in the name of improv. I thought about moving across the country in the name of improv. I finally feel like I am starting to get this beast of a hobby. I know how to do a character. I know how to work a scene. I can develop relationships. And where has this gotten me? Hmmm.

Well, first there is KYSOff. I went to their rehearsals and was pretty happy with the time I spent with my people doing improv. But we weren't performing. Which led to my frustration. Which further aggrivated my opinion of a couple of people in the troupe. They pissed me off, they have lied to me and about me. Now in all honesty, how can I perform in an environment like that? Hmmm I wonder. (Sarcasm, sarcasm)

Then I go and join Quick Wits. I love the people there. They are so welcome and open to me. They are strictly short form, but to me it looked like they would be starting to work on long form soon. A lot of people I talked to were pretty jazzed about it. Then I join and I start to notice a couple of things. Some of the troupe members are not respectful to each other. That really turned me off. They are arguing about when and where to do long form. That made me worried. The cherry on the sundae was I went up to do the one show I was scheduled for last night and it got canceled due to lack of audience. What a bummer. :mope:

Then there are the skirts. Man, I have this nasty feeling that things are going to go terribly wrong with them. Like, I picture a huge fight coming up and friendships ending and such. I don't know. My girls might surprise me. But we'll see. What is kinda sad, but I guess good, is that we aren't really performing. So maybe that will hold back the explosion I think is going to happen.

Last, but not least is OTW. Damn. I really like these guys. I think I have grown mostly because of what Austin has been teaching up there. But I kinda feel like it's impossible to get on stage. Like it's so far away from me that I'm outta the loop. I sorta feel like I am being looked over too. I don't know. That might be completely false. I can't make it to all of the rehearsals and so Derrek and Caleb don't really see me so they don't put me on. Last night they did their first long form on stage. The audience ate it up. I had a hard time not crying through the performance. There was a troupe I have been working with doing long form and I was not a part of it. It was hard.

So here is what is killing it for me. I've been saying,"in two weeks my life is going to dramatically change". Well, two weeks has come and here I am, noticing how my life has totally changed. Everyday this week I have had meetings at school. Yesterday was the diversity training. The day before that was the PNAIS math meeting. Now most of you may think, Oh my god! Meetings all day!! Yuck! I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of them. I liked working in my class until five every day. I had so much fun talking with my staff about student's needs. I was so intrigued by what our math department was doing. I get the biggest swell in my chest just thinking about my job and what I do. I love what I do. It really fullfills so much for me in my life. I can also tell you right now that I am so busy with this job that I barely have time to come home and take care of my cats or clean my house. I have meetings and workshops, and student orientation, and DI, and camping trips, etc.

The thing is, I don't think that anyone in the improv community really understands how important teaching is to me. I don't think they understand how big the first day of school is or how important meeting the parents one night is. They really have no idea how much of an impact small things like that have on me as a person. It makes it really hard to be where I am at right now.

Last night it sorta hit me. I love improv. I really really do. I believe that it is magical and wonderful and can do such amazing things. But improv can not compare to my teaching. It will always take a back seat. So now I am so busy with school starting and there is so much strife with improv for me. I am so concerned that my teaching may be hurt by the amount of improv I am doing now. It looks like there is only one thing I can do at this point. Cut back. Take it away. Don't do improv for a while.

Let me tell you how fuckin' scary this is to me. I sobbed on the commute home from Clearfield last night. Improv is my outlet. I love it. By giving it up I am giving up my hobby and my friends, the things that keep me sane. Boom! All of my really close friends are no longer around because I don't hang out at rehearsal. Or at the show, or after the show. I don't want to loose the relationships I have with Jesse or Austin or Jarky or Corey. There are others, but these people mean so much to me. It also is really scary to me because I really don't want to loose what I have gained this summer. I feel like my improv is about to explode. I am about to be on fire. I am fuckin' on fire. I just don't have anywhere to put it. I'm afraid I this flame will go out if I go on this said hiatus.

In reality it won't be that big of a deal. Everyone does it. Everyone needs a break. October will be a really good time to throw myself back into improv. It will probably be best for me to settle into my life as a teacher then place improv in where I can afford it. I can skip over Septemberprov, which people don't seem to understand why I can't do. I will hopefully miss all the confusion with KYSOff as they search for a new theater. I will still be doing a little bit of improv with Quick Wits. I feel like I owe that troupe a little bit of my time. Especially since I just auditioned and made it in. Coming back in October will be perfect because I will start my 6th grade class two weeks into October. I will have just enough time to get reaquainted with it all then start teaching it.

Well, here I go. As of tomorrow I am officially taking a break from improv!

:nervous: uke:

 

[hotnoodles]

Giving it my OH face

Well, I had just spent a half hour on an entry, but then my internet disconnected and I lost it. Damn it don't you hate it when that happens. But I am still going to try to repeat the energy and enthusiasm I had, because damn, I need to record this somewhere.

I am so friggin' happy right now. I can't even say. It's just incredible the feeling I have, my life is really really really good.

I went on hiatus from KYSOff, which is probably the best move I could have made for my life. I no longer have this negative thing hanging above my head. I am enjoying the things I am doing. I'm not getting dragged down by people who drive me nuts!!

So then I started kickin' it with the people in Clearfield. OH MY GOD these people are fun. I :love: them. I feel like I am still pretty new to the scene, so I am not apart of all the controversy that a troupe undoubtedly has. I feel so appreciated with this troupe. I feel so good. I feel so comfortable being on stage with them. I have performed with them all and I have been drunk with them all, I have been a team captain, I have MCed their shows. I love this place.

Then there is OTW. Well, I couldn't spend as much time as I like with them, but I still got in a show and some rehearsals. I got so much out of working with this group. Something about the combo of Austin and working with a whole bunch of big newbies really kicked this scenic improv thing into place for me. Yeah, I know what the fuck I am doing now.

I feel like I am in such a good place right now. I love the people I perform with. I feel so comfortable on stage now. It has improved my improv tenfold. I stick to characters. I am relaxed right before I do a scene. I don't plan anything until I hear my suggestion. I affect my scene partner. I develop relationships. Seriously, I haven't felt this good about improv since I left Spokane. And if you have been paying attention to my journal you'll know that is an amazing thing.

The only complaint I would have had was that QW and OTW are so far away. I am driving an hour each week just to be with my people. It is totally worth it, but really really difficult to transition back into teacher mode. But then Jarky and Austin went and did something wonderful. They found a theater and started talking about getting OTW down in SLC. I mentioned to the two of them that I would be interested in helping the planning and development stages with this and last week we had our first meeting. It makes me feel so good to get this on the road. Longform! In SLC! With my favorite people!!!

Speaking of people. I went back and read all my favorite journals on the IRC. What blew me away was how many times people mentioned me in their journal. I had no idea I was affecting so many people. It feels so good. I know I belong here in Utah. I know I am loved and cared for and respected.


Well to continue the good karma, I have some things to say about people in my life too.

Austin: My gosh, I don't know what I would do without this boy. I feel so connected to him because of our passion for improv. Improv is such a big part of my life and a big part of my heart, I feel like since we can share that he gets the bigger parts of me. And really, how can I not love someone like that in my life. I mean geez.

Jarky: Well, he's been absent from my life for a while, which makes me super upset. Here's why. I try to keep a really positive look on life. I try to look at the good side in everyone, whether they are being a jerk or not. I feel like Jarky has the same approach to life. Again, this core, fundamental value I have in me is something I share with this lovely 18 year old. How could I not just love having him share this chunk of my life. I am also super excited to see him step up and take charge with this OTW thing. I love him dearly and I hope that this all works out. It would be great for him to see what a difference it makes in the community and improvisers lives.

Jesse: Well he has gone from extreme mentor/friend to something of my double. I used to worship every word that came out of his mouth. He used to be the only one that could explain improv to me so it made sense. Because of it I now know what I am doing. I feel really good about the improv I put out there. So now when he speaks, I'm not so much as impressed as I am appreciative that I know what is going on. I really respect him, I can relate to him, we have so much fun together. We are such similar people. Again, another person in my life who I just can't do without.

Jake P: Now I know I will be getting some strange looks about this from some people. But I don't really freakin' care. I guess it's because I am new to this troupe. People either love this man or hate this man. I don't really know why. I also really don't care to know why. All I know is that he lets me perform on his stage. He makes me feel really good about the stuff I am doing. He has made me feel like the awesome improviser I really am. I can't really express how much this means to me. He has made it possible for me to get my confidence back and I will forever adore him for that.

Emily: As the only female on this screen, she plays a big role in my life. She shares my ideas. She shares my fuck it attitude. I really feel like a partner in crime when she's around. And boy is that fun. I don't find that with many women in my life.

There are a lot more people, but I am running out of steam. Steve U. scared the bejeezus outta me when I first met him, but now we seem to have moved into a relationship of respect. It really means so much to me that this very opinionated young man thinks I have talent. Hmmmm, who else. Oh, I don't know. Kyle, Jeremy and Angie, Dustin, Eric from OTW, Derek and Caleb, Scottie. The list goes on. I'll think of it later. There are more to come!

Yes! Laine is back!!!!

 

[hotnoodles]

Improv Gods

There used to be certain people in my life that I looked up to in regard to improv. Troy Taylor and his sheer irrisistability. JD Brooks and her confidence on stage. Ryan Locante for his passion and drive. Jesse, Joe B, Ben. They all were my improv gods. They knew what the heck was happening. They had confidence in themselves and they understood so much about improv.

Finally I think I have reached this divine status. Sounds pompus, arrogant, all that good stuff. But really, what good improviser isn't a cocky asshole. I mean really?? I feel so good when I am on stage. I understand how scenes work. I recognize when people are talking through their actions and I know what to do to throw their patern. I don't preplan and I feel comfortable with that!! I can just stand on stage with my mind open and ready until I get my suggestion, then run with it. I feel so good with everything I do on stage!! My peers look to me when they need advice on scenework! People like sharing a stage with me! People say I'm a talented improviser!! My time has come!!!!!!!! Damn that feels good.

Now the thing is, I can't get enough of it. I am scheduling myself for too many shows. I am getting exhausted. I'm trying really hard to check myself, make sure that I don't get overly tired, but it's so hard with this much desire in my heart. Damn.

Well, my sixth grade journal has been deleted. Bummer. Take the summer off and no one wants to hear from you any more I guess. So I will just have to talk to you about my sixth graders here.

Oh.... my... hell. I have died and gone to heaven. Can I just say how excited I am about this class?????? There are 18 kids in this class. There is a waiting list to get into this class. Of those 18 kids, 10 of them already have acting experience, including improv stuff. I can't believe it. Did I mention I have died and gone to heaven? Cause I have We came up with a list of games today that the kids wanted to play and we nearly filled the board. It was incredible. They are all so focused and driven. They really want to learn this stuff. I can't wait to see what they have to offer.

Ok, I think I should probably go. The goddess is tired. I need to rest my huge head on my huge pillow. Hehehehehe.

 

[hotnoodles]

Man, what a wicked aweful mood I am in. I would assume improv has done this to me. I'm not really sure. What a fuckin' rollercoaster this hobby has become. One minute I'm high as a kite, the next I'm hating myself and wanting to crawl under the covers for the next week.

So, I was feelin' pretty shitty about last entry. I was pretty high about myself. But I should know better then that. I am not the best of the best. I will always have things to learn. Shame on me. Shame, shame, shame on me.

So then I went to do a Harold at rehearsal. I sat there just waiting for Jesse to get done talking. I was so impatient. I had to keep reminding myself that the people in the room with me were not as experienced as I was at long form. Then I got on stage. It was a fairly good Harold. I was proud of the people who performed with me. But I was so disappointed in myself. I really didn't feel like I was getting the games. I missed the themes, what made my scene funny. I am so disappointed in myself. I dont' know, maybe not disappointed, but maybe it was just a reality check. The fact that I don't know everything there is to improv. Whatever. I'm feeling very passionately both ways. I liked my characters and some of the things I said. I'm super disappointed I couldn't see the themes clearly.

What else. What else is just freakin' me out. I think probably OTW. I am really really anxious about this. Only a week and a half until we are supposed to open and we haven't even signed the final papers. I am worried!!! I'm worried that we won't be able to pull it all together. I am worried that I will spread myself too thin with OTW and QW. I am worried that I will not be able to commit as much as I would like to this thing. I am worried that the space won't be good for what we want to do.

Here's something that is freakin' me out. Two important people decided to take a leave of absence in my improv life. What the hell is up with that???!!?? Emily is moving in less than a month. I can't even tell you how sad this makes me. I love this woman! I love doing improv with her. She started improv at the same time with me. She's like my freakin' pledge sister. And she is leaving me. I feel like I am going to be all alone now. I'm sure I won't, but I'm not thinking rationally right now. And then Steve. I finally figure out that he and I are unstoppable on stage and he freakin' decides to go on a hiatus!! What the fuck!! I have never felt as comfortable as I do on stage as when I am with Steve. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I am thinking so selfish right now. I know. But I need to get it all out. Just let it pour. I know that once it is out I will be able to think rationally. I will be happy that Emily has found a place in Oregon. I will be happy that Steve is taking care of himself. I will be happy that I can realisticly look at the progress of my improv. But right now I am having a huge freakin' hissy fit. I want something to make me happy!!!!!! Fuck you all!!!!!!

Ok. I think I am done. Wheww. I am slowly running out of steam. There is one more thing on my mind that I am really frustrated with but I don't really feel at liberty to share with all of my improv fans. I think I should just make some mental notes in my head. I create my own happiness. It does not rely on other things. Nothing has been set in stone. If it is just a passing thing, then hey, let it be a passing thing. Move on. Enough. Done.

Happy thought for the day (yes, there is a happy thought): I had an eleven year old boy today tell me what yes and was. Holy shit, I nearly wet myself with happiness.

Peace all. See you in a while.

 

[hotnoodles]

Bliss

I'm happy. I'm so very very happy right now.

Let me tell you. I believe in Karma. If you do something good then you will be given something good in return. I don't really know what sort of thing is controling all the goodness people do. But I really do believe in it. Really makes me feel good knowing that I am living my life well.

Makes my improv kinda fun. I really enjoy being on stage with my people. I really enjoy seeing them have successes. I really enjoy seeing the audience laugh. Yeah. I don't really know how tight that connection is. But in the words of Jesse,"it's all Hippie Crap", so who really cares.

I got pretty pissed off at myself this weekend. Silly really. People stepped over me in a game. Then I totally bombed a character. I got really pissed off. Couldn't get above it. Had to go walk around the building for a while until I cooled down. Not really like me I guess. I think I did an ok job of recovering, but I'm still a little irked about it. Let's see if I can connect this to my mantra. Well, yeah, I didn't do the best. But I learned from it. And why should I hold on to something that is in the past and is making me unhappy. I shouldn't. That's not good karma. Just keep looking for the next awesome thing to happen.

Ahhh, better.

Hmmm. Shall I talk about 6th graders? I was trying to teach them what it was like to be an ass-genius. You know everything about everything, whether you do or not! So then this little girl, eleven years old, gets up to do a one minute monolog. She was given football and she rolled with it for a straight minute. Cracked me up!!! She was throwing out all sorts of jargon about football. She really had no idea what she was talking about, but it was fantastic!! I also worked with the high school kids last week for the first time. They were pretty cool. Boy, are they different from eleven year olds. Much more confident, but a lot more potty humor. I think they have a lot of potential though. I am looking forward to working with them.

I still have anxiety about the OTW extension thing. Haven't heard back from the woman at the pickle barrel. Called her again today. Yeah. But I don't want to feel bad, so I am not going to talk about it any more. So, bleeeeeh. :jump:

Hey, I just want to declare right now how much I adore Bob-o. Some of you may get it, some of you may not. He is an awesome guy. I love being on stage with him. I love hanging out with him. I think he is taking a whole truckload of lemons and making them into lemonade.

I think that's about it. The thing that was SO freakin' me out has turned in to something that has made me SO totally happy. Keeping things open happened to be the cure. And now I am living in the moment. The moment is making me really really happy.

Peace. Love. Improv.

:angel::inlove::up:

 

[hotnoodles]

Smoke Before Fire

My friends are moody. They really are. I guess I fit right in then. I know they have to do it and they need it, but we are all so so moody.

I feel like I am kinda coasting right now. Not really feeling powerful or anything. Not feeling genius. Just feeling the Laine. Riding the Laine rollercoaster. All aboard! Hehehe. I'm a goof.

So, my improv is feeling pretty shitty right now. I think it's because I don't have much energy. Like when I am on stage I would much rather just be sleeping. Or maybe it has something to do with the people I have been playing with lately. I haven't played with my favorites in a while. Or maybe I'm just getting used to my favorites. Who knows. I'm just going to keep working on catching up my sleep. I'm also going to work on being positive. Keeping my head down when people talk shit. Giving positives to the people I care about. Yeah. Warm fuzzies. Warm fuzzies are good.

Let's talk business. My kids are ok. Students that is. It's kinda interesting to me. They are so much better at some games then my other class and so much worse at other games. I guess it goes to show, everyone has their strengths. I don't know. We'll keep working I guess. I feel kinda bad for them because I have no energy by the time I get to the end of the day. I can barely start a warm up exercise, not to mention teach how to do scenes. Yeesh.

I'm starting to get excited about OTW. Before I was hesitant because I didn't know if I could handle it. Now the agressive business Laine is kicking in. I'm going to take this bull by the horns and show him who is boss. I can't wait. We have our final proposal out to the company and I have tried to contact the person in charge to see if everything is a go. I can't wait to do this. Now I can do things the way I know they should be done. I can really have fun and feel comfortable doing my style of improv.

Here's the other grooviest thing that has happened. I work at the most awesome private school in Salt Lake. Really really awesome. My core classes are math and science. But the school is going to pay half of my tuition and books if I want to go back to get a theater endorsement. OH, MY, GOSH!!!!!! Could I be any more lucky! Now I get to take my passion and turn it into my career at this amazng school. I can not freakin' wait. Now I have to start doing the research and stuff. But at this point it's fun. I am so excited to do this.

Hmmm, I think that's about it. Life is going all long. Not smoothly, but what can you expect from a 25 year old woman out on her own for the first time?

 

[hotnoodles]

562 people have viewed my journal. This kinda blows me away. I wonder, why do people read my journal. Am I really all that interesting? Are my thoughts worth coming back for? Hmmm. Well, it is a look into me. This is who I am. Confident, confused, and pretty much trying to figure my life out.

Hmmm. Let's talk interesting things that have happened to me. First, we haven't heard from the Pickle Co. which is so frustrating. I would typically say screw the person that takes so long to do business, but aparently they will help us write grants once we are accepted. I think that is a really good thing. So we plug along. Things are going really well for Bountiful. We are a go for November 14th. It kinda blows my mind. The guys that are "running it" haven't even really got together to talk about it, which makes me nervous. But they are both good guys. I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just excited to perform. Let me clarify, I'm excited to perform some place under 45 mintues from my home.

What else has happened. I performed with OTW on Friday. It was interesting. I have never really felt accepted by that audience. They really love their boys. I usually always feel like a guest. But I went out there with a fuck it attitude and it actually turned out really well. My fourteen year old boys were there. Eric I believe could be one of my biggest fans. There were some girls there also that I have worked with in workshops that were cheering me on. I liked it. I had some killer moments where the audience was loving me. Oh!!! So, have you heard me complaining that some improvisers were treating me like an object, rather than a person? Well, I have been working on it, but aparently the OTW boys hadn't gotten the memo. Twice something was said to me. But this time I said something back. Called out the fact that they were using sexual inuendo again. :tsk: I think I kinda freaked the guy out that I did it to. He, he, he, he. I am so evil. But I didn't hear anything else for the rest of the night.

Bob-o and Steve showed up for the last 20 minutes. It made me so happy. I love those two guys. We went to Denny's afterwards and talked. It was really interesting being there with the two of them. They are so similar but so different in so many ways. Bob-o will talk a blue streak. But it will be off of random stuff. Then Steve will interupt him. Steve will tell you his oppions. Boy! Does he have some strong oppions! But I love them both. Bob-O for his compassion. Steve for just being a little wild and having fun. I also think he can get the job done when needed, which I totally appreciate. What was really interesting to me was Steve's thoughts about the new theater. He has some very definte ideas but he hasn't talked to anybody yet. The person he is supposed to work with or the original OTW people. It will be interesting to see that played out.

Saturday I had a me day, which I totally needed. Spent time with my family, worked out. Then I went to a fundraiser thing for my school. It was there that I did a little bit of reflection. I am leading dual lives. At school I am mild mannered teacher. I act fairly calm, although my staff thinks I'm way out there. I don't really connect to many people I work with. I feel a little bit sad about that, but I am not like a lot of the people there. I do not have a family. I do not stay at home a lot. I am young. Then there is my improv life. At times I feel like this is my real life. This is where my emotions are kept. This is where I truly feel. This is where I am loved and supported. I feel kinda guiltly looking at my life this way. I love to teach. It is what supports me. Puts food in my mouth and shelter over my head. But I really get so much more out of improv. I had to excuse myself early from my fundrasing event. I told my staff I couldn't go because I was performing. They all understood. They told me to break a leg. It kinda made me sad. That these people that I work so closely with don't really know who I am. On the other hand, now that I think about it, it was pretty cool they could send me off with well wishes and understanding.

Then I headed up to QW. What a night. It was interesting. I was hoping I could play with Steve because it was his debut night back from hiatus-ville. Turns out he was MCing. I wasn't really feeling all that funny and I didn't really want to work with other people. I was feeling antisocial. I also thought Steve might want to get on stage again. So I offered to MC. It turned out amazing! I chugged a rock star right before and went out with my fists flying. I just felt so comfortable controling the show. I felt like my pacing was good. I felt like I called the games well. I felt really powerful. I also felt like I didn't really give a fuck. Again, staying detached but in control really did me well. I had improvisers complimenting me afterward. I had audience members complimenting me as they left the theater. It was awesome. Such a good feeling.

Alright. I think that's the end of the things that have happened. I should get ready for bed. I have to turn into mild mannered Ms. Hindley again. I kinda feel like superman. I have my hidden identity. SuperImprover!

 

[hotnoodles]

I'm feeling really unhappy right now. Really unhappy. I think too much of my personal life has gotten into improv and it's really taking a toll on who I am. People now have personal judgements about me and it is affecting our relationships on stage. I really don't feel like I'm being respected right now as an actor. I should go into detail, but I won't.

Here's what I am going to do. I was thinking to myself "haitus!", but that would still really make me miss improv. So I think I am just going to take a break from the people who make me unhappy. I'm gonna try something new. I'm going to focus on the longform team at QW. I will get to play with Angie, who is one of my favorite people in this world. I get to play with Jesse, who is also in the top ten. Hopefully by surrounding myself with these people I will be able to get back to being me. Laine, who doesn't get wrapped up in controversy. Laine, who enjoys everyone and everything.

So, let me talk to you about my improv for a while. It's really quite interesting. I have found myself quite often wishing that Ryan was still around or Ross, so that I could show them how far I've come. I really feel so comfortable performing this stuff on stage. I feel like a little kid in the sense that I want people to praise me for my accomplishments, but I think the people I work with now really just don't know how far I've come. Or the people who know me just forget how much one little compliment can do. I guess being proud of yourself just isn't enough sometimes. Any who....

This next item of business cracks me up. The manager of one of the troupes I work with just posted his thoughts on our local board. Made me smile because I am feeling the same way. Why is it that in rehearsal I can be stellar. But during a show I feel a little subpar. What is nice is I can answer this question pretty easy. Two reasons. The first is that I am out of my comfort zone when I am on stage with an audience. It's all just a little bit scarier. But when it comes down to it, who cares! They are just random people, why should I care about what they think. The second thing is the audience exactly. I am so worried about them. Watching them, distracted by them. When I am like that I am not focusing on the scenes being played before me and I miss stuff that I would regularly get in rehearsal.

Hmmm, all interesting thoughts. I think if I keep all this in mind it will help me grow.


Alright loves. Talk with you soon.

 

[hotnoodles]

Damage Control

666 people have read my journal. That goes a long way in explaining how I feel right now. I have made some poor choices that has lead me to feeling like shit.

So, let's recap. Bountiful started up. I wanted fiercly to be apart of this crew. But due to personal issues it all felt a little weird. I think I've hashed it out though. One of my favorite people gave me reassuarnce about this crew. Things should be fine. Our progress with the SLC OTW is going painfully slow. We are still trying, but I dont' know when it will ever get off the ground. About three weeks ago I got in a car accident. Going 70 mph on a highway during rush hour traffic and someone decides to merge into my lane. I swerve, hit the guard rail and spin. My car was easily fixed. My neck has given me continual pain for three weeks. I haven't slept well in three weeks. Last night I went to bed with a splitting headache, woke up in the middle of the night with it, then woke up this morning with it also. I'm typing, trying not to move my head. I'm miserable. Last but not least, my job has been really stressful. It's report card time, which is always the hardest part of my job. Writing profound and thoughtful comments about students has never been my specialty. Plus I'm starting a new class on Monday and I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

With all this it just started to pile up. I was really happy focusing on my improv, but when everything started to happen I didn't step back and take care of myself. Now I am really stressed out, in a lot of pain, and in general miserable. Good job Laine. That's a great formula for being a fantastic improvisor.

I write this as an after thought though. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm going to do. I think I am going to cut down to just Friday performances. Keep Saturday for me. And rotate between OTW and QW. It'll be tough. I don't know what I will do with my Saturday nights. Maybe I just need to chill. Maybe I need to ski. I don't know. Go drinking with Heather perhaps. That could be fun. I just can't drive all the way up there any more. At least not until I can get my life back to happy. Not until I can walk into my classroom and be ready for students, not just stare at them because I am tired. That's a really yucky feeling.

Ok. There are my thoughts. Have a wonderful holiday people.

 

[hotnoodles]

Hmmm, here I am.

Well, I'm having some really negative feelings about improv right now. I'm pretty much dead in the water. It's 10:00 on a school night and I need to go to bed. I'm not going to explain right now, but I have a feeling there will be a big entry in my journal soon.

Keep your eyes peeled people.

 

[hotnoodles]

The Maze of My Mind

Alrighty. So here we go. I am now going to attempt to piece out what has happened to me in the last couple of months. It may be chaotic. It may be unintelligible. But you know what. This is for me, not for you! Suckers.

When we last spoke I was being pretty careless with my improv. I was using it as a tool to help develop friendships and such. I was using it as my social network. While that is all fine and dandy, it really really backfired on me. The social relationships fumbled and in turn so did my improv. Personal feelings were brought into the theater and on stage and it made it really difficult for me to do what I love, improvise. Although things aren't perfect right now, they are getting a whole hell of a lot better. I am taking baby steps with the people that are involved. I feel that I will have my friends back again.

Lesson #1: Remember, improv is about what's on stage, performing your stuff. Not who likes who and who said what and all that shit.

So then I got in a car accident. Hmmm, pretty bad. I could have been really really messed up. I wasn't, thank god. I had a pretty serious case or whiplash (which I am still trying to take care of) and about $2500 of damage to my car. My baby! My car! Oh, how could they do that to my car?! Well, let me tell you, that has added so so much stress to my life. Can't even tell you. I've had days of awful depression. I've had to leave work because I could not teach my class. I've had headaches that caused me so much pain I thought I would vomit and pass out if I moved. Yeah, pretty horrible. But did I slow down? Hell no! I kept doing as many shows as I could. I kept going to as many rehearsals as I could. Basically I wasn't taking care of myself. My performances on stage was poor quality because of all the shit I was going through. I could have been much better if I had just stepped away from improv and taken care of myself for a while. But I didn't.

Lesson #2: Recognize when you are in a period of your life when you need to step back. You can't do everything.

After the accident the manager of the troupe I usually perform with announced that he would be closing the theater. He didn't have enough time to do things he wanted to do so it was closing. Well, I commend him for this decision. As you can see, I should have made that choice earlier too. But this also created a lot of controversy among my fellow improvisers and friends. Who would get to be in the last show? Why is this guy closing the theater? Will anyone step up to take his spot?? Yeah. Yucky messy situation.

Lesson #3: Everything has a cycle. Eventually things will end.

Lesson #4: Support the people you believe in. Even if they are making choices that may affect you negatively.

Well, let's see. The new troupe several of use were working on. I haven't talked about that yet. There were three of us working on managing this new troupe in Salt Lake. It was pretty exciting. We were all pretty jazzed. The Bountiful crew got theirs up and running and we could almost taste the success we would have here. So then there would be meetings with the people up in Ogden, to clarify the stuff that was happening. I was told hours before about the meeting or not at all, making it impossible for me to be present. The other two that I was supposed to be managing with would have discussions together about where they wanted to take the theater and I wouldn't be included. I was feeling really left out. I was also feeling really uncomfortable because I didn't agree with some of the decisions they were making. I brought up these points to one of the guys that I was supposed to manage with and he seemed to understand and said things would change. I think at that point though I had already decided that this was not for me. I didn't have the time or the patience to work with other people on this. I also don't think that I should take on a managing roll right now. Too much time. Too much stress. Now, I know some people that were involved in this situation will read this. I want you to know that I don't want to talk about it! It was a hard choice for me to make and now it's made. I don't want to go back and rehash all those feelings that I was experiencing. I have no hard feelings towards you.

Lesson #5: Improv is not the biggest thing in your life. Teaching is. Don't try to bite off more than you can chew by managing something new.

Alright. We are almost up to present day. I am almost done with my tirade. So over break I spent a lot of time hanging out with Jesse. I love that guy so much. He has helped me so much through this sticky time of my life. We watched movies, drank beer, did improv, and transported each other to airports. The list goes on. Well, we decided we were going to hang out new years eve together. It was wicked fun. We went to OBT, which I do maybe every three months. Had a really good time. Then we went to sushi. It was so good. Oh, my god. It was like a huge food orgasm. So then Jesse drug me to one of his friends' house for a new years party. I was a little apprehensive because I knew of these people and I thought I didn't particularly get along with them. But the night turned out fabulous. A little alcohol in us all and we all started talking. It was fun. What came of it was an invite to perform with their troupe. This came as a pleasant surprise to me. Previously I hadn't really enjoyed the people who were involved in this troupe. Well, I had gotten to know the key performs and they were cool but the manager is the one I really have issues with. Very outspoken. Doesn't seem too caring about the people around him. I went to their workshop any way and had a blast. It was so much fun. I introduced myself to the manager, even though he probably knew who I was, but now it was official. I gave the people my phone number. So we'll see what happens. It gives me hope.

Lesson #6: Don't be afraid to change judgments passed on people. They may change and you may not know the whole story.

Oh, last but not least. There was this audition for a new troupe in salt lake. It was quite mysterious. No one knew the guy. We were all very surprised at this new announcement. So a few of us went to this audition and I had a blast. The guy had been doing improv at southern Utah for a while and had experience running a couple different troupes. His vision was very interesting. He wants to perform for people who would normally not be able to see improv. Which would mean that we would not get paid for shows. On one hand this makes me nervous. I wonder about the people that would be there, our shows would definitely be different. Play games a different way. On the other hand this could be really cool because the people who are hungry for money will stop showing up. And I would be performing with the people who love to do this. We'll see. If anything I go to a workshop with a new teacher and I have fun.

Lesson #7: Always be aware of the diamond in the rough. It may be closer then you think.

Well, there are a couple more things out there that I could write about. Like Jon's article . Or watching the OTW shows compared to being in workshop :bleagh: . But I won't go there. I am feeling pretty cleansed now about the things I have experienced in the past couple of months :angel: . Some of those lessons up above I already knew. Some I may need to work on. I think that my lowest low point is over with and I am starting to dig myself out. Hopefully things will be on the rise soon.

:love:

Laine

 

[hotnoodles]

Man, it's foggy here

Last year during winter there wasn't very much fog. I guess it's because there wasn't much snow. This year we've got a bumper crop and I haven't seen the sun shine on my house for over a week now. Kinda dismal and depressing. I feel that way about my improv too.

I went to rehearsal last week with SCI. It was alright. Felt a little weird. I'm not feeling the connection I usually have with my fellow actors. I guess it could be argued that if I am trying not to make improv my social connection, then why would it matter if I didn't feel anything. Maybe it's not social. Maybe I just don't feel that people are on the same page with me there. I feel like I am kinda being lost with this group. I don't know. I will wait to see.


I'm not really performing. Period. I haven't been on a stage for, well, I couldn't tell you how long. Couple of weeks at least. I miss the rush of being on stage and the audience watching my every move. I miss going into my improv world and creating things with people. On the other hand though, I'm not feeling as taxed. I feel more at home in my own body. I know what's going on with myself. I suppose that's a good thing. I'm on the road to getting better.

I'm anxious. There are two specialty shows coming up that I have been asked to play in. I'm so worried though. I just want to do improv. I don't want to be judged by my peers. I don't want to do something and not have support for it, from the community or my peers. I don't want to be caught up in the gossip or controversy or pain of who said what and who didn't get invited to play or whatever. I suppose I will do them both. But I sure as hell will watch my back.

Maybe I will just give up. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of pushing to try to get myself seen. I'm tired of proving myself over and over again.

I feel like a little part of me is dying.

 

[hotnoodles]

Slowly but surely

It has been at least a month since I have performed. It has been at least two weeks since I have been in contact with any of my improv friends with the exception of Jesse. Thanks for the Wendy's bud. Then, out of the blue, everyone starts calling me again. I was asked to perform five times in the past week. I had at least four people I haven't talked to in a while say hi. It was weird.

I'm feeling a little stagnat with the whole improv thing. I think that's a given. But things are starting to pick up. The only real rehearsal I have is with SCI. It's really kinda interesting. I don't really care what people think when I am up there. What I do care about is pushing myself to use my skills in exercises and games that are pretty basic. It's been really entertaining and I've seen really good results. I have really been enjoying the things I have been doing. I feel very comfortable in my improv skin.

I still don't know if I'm ready to perform again. Tonight I was at rehearsal and we played slide show. It was so difficult for me to hold the damn slide positions. I bent over and my neck and back muscles sent shooting pains up into my head. It was great, really. And on top of that, I don't know if I can keep my emotion from the stage. Yeah, emotion is great to have on stage, but I don't think it's always approriate for people to just start bawling up there. At this point I can't promise I won't do that. :loopy: Stupid accident.

Alright. I've got a month or so to get my shit together. I've got my birthday coming up! Yay! And Valentine's!!! Woohoo. How could things not get better for me.

Kisses

 

[hotnoodles]

Skiing in the sun

Ah, I feel like I've done a complete 360 from where I was at this time last year. I used to be so over booked. I was with KYSOff every waking moment. It was my life. So were the people that were involved in it. I was a very busy woman. I would stay out late. I would drink a lot. Yeah.

Now I feel like I am some sort of mellow guru chick. Kinda funny. I listen to self help CD's. I don't listen to rock music very often. Jack Johnson is now the soundtrack to my life. :angel: I typically only do improv once a week and I am pretty happy with that. Yeah, it sucks not having my group of friends around and all that. But I am so mentally healthy right now it's a little ridiculous.

I have gotten used to not having all those people around me. I have really enjoyed having time by myself. Doing things that I really want to do. I really wanted to see Nicol's play, so I went. I really wanted to go skiing, so I went.

I've gotten over the anxiety of not having improv around all the time. I was afraid that I would loose it. Like if I didn't do it all the time I would loose all the ground I had learned this summer. I think that's bullshit really. I do scenes once a week with SCI. It's fun and I certainly haven't lost anything. It's not the long forms I used to do, but I still get to do what I love to do. I still get to play games with fun adults. It's great. And besides. I can always do improv in the summer. :inlove: :inlove:

I'm almost over my car accident. Meaning, I'm not as stiff in the morning. I do not have as much pain. The only thing that is still lingering are the damn headaches. Man, I tell you. It feels like I am dying. Like something is being twisted from the inside of my head until there is nothing left. It hurts to move. It hurts to talk. I try to relax and it doesn't really help.

On that happy note, hehehe. I have two happy thoughts. First one was that I totally smoked a Ski Patrol guy skiing down this wicked hard mogules run today. I was proud of myself. The other was that Joe was bummed I wasn't going to be on his team for Trolley Brawl. I have so much respect for him. That he would want me on his team was pretty cool.

Ok, peace out my improv brothers and sisters. :up:

 

[hotnoodles]

In the words of Ren and Stimpy

"Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy, Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy"

Reason Number One - This group of kids I have been working with. They were at each other's throats. They were the most disfunctional team I have ever scene. I have devoted this last week to try and help them. Now I am starting to see some light. They have more respect for each other. They listen to each other. They are growing. I'm doing a good job teaching.

Reason Number Two - Physical Therapy is getting easier. Dawn finally found the cause of all my headaches. Hopefully I won't have my killer headaches any more on the weekend. SATURDAYS WILL ONCE AGAIN BE MINE!!!!! I'm getting stronger, I can feel my posture improve. I feel like this is coming to an end. About damn time!!!! :up:

Reason Number Three - My birthday is in eleven days. I was really bummed out cause I wanted to see my mom. I also have this stinkin' school retreat that I have to go to, on my birthday!!!!!! Unfair. I wish I had a waiver to get out of it. But I don't. So, I go. Then I get this phone call from my mom today saying my dad bought a ticket for her to come out. She will be here for my b-day!! Woo hoo, sushi and pampering for me! And great big hugs from my mama!!! Yay!!!! :inlove:

Ok, I think I am going to stop with that. I'm feeling pretty darn good. I need to do a little reflection about my improv. I did some scenes on Tuesday and I was shocked when I forgot how to up the ante. Jeez, Laine. You can't have gotten rusty this quick.

I need to remember the relationships. Why am I here with this person. What has happened in the past that makes this moment so crucial. What is the thing I need to tell them that is so important. Remember, it's about the other person, not about the audience. I played two characters this Tuesday that I wish I could have gone back and change. Here's a break down.

Madame President - I was this drunk president with an aide. He kept on bringing stuff up. Like my husband shouldn't see us together. That stuff. I totally dropped all his suggestions. I could have taken every line out of his mouth and made a personal story about it. So, what I need to remember:

* Listen to everything you're partner says. They probably have great ideas about where it is going. You can only help foster those ideas.
* Figure out how their words apply to your personal story. Then reveal personal bits to the audience, or the person. Eww, the emotion is so fabulous.

The Grave Digger - Well, it was canned. Same as the president if you ask me. I thought of two things when I thought of grave digger. I thought of dirty nails and I thought of Dave Matthews. While I brought those two things up I didn't really apply any emotion to it. I have dirty nails, therefore my wife wants to leave me. I met Dave Matthews and I have to leave my long time partnership to go tour with him. Yeah, that opens the door to all sorts of stuff. Oh, damn improv, if only I could go back and do those scenes all over again.

But you know, I am journaling about it. I am processing it. I didn't just let this one pass under the radar. I think the same reminders from above apply to now, so I won't rewrite.

You know what. Here's what I think. SCI is so short form based. I get into gimmick mode when I play those games. Over the summer I trained myself away from that, towards all the scenework. Now, I'm back doing short form and I've forgotten how to make my scenes great. So now I just need to be aware and learn when to flip that switch. Yeah, now you go lady! (Love ya Steve)

Alright, dear journal (aka. random viewers, aka. older/wiser version of me). I am done. I am going to look for an exercise ball. :loopy:

ps. I have a show in a couple of weeks. I'm super excited!!

 

[hotnoodles]

Spring Break and It's Raining

Well, it's gotta be quick. Austin and I are about to head to workshop. I am looking forward to it. I haven't seen Ross in while. It's also been a while since he has seen me do my thing.

So, here are my thought. I curse that I am so devoted to teaching, that I can't just drop it and let myself do improv. It's really brought up some weighty issuses in my mind. What is the answer to my true happiness. Is teaching the end all beat all of my exhistence? Is friendship and the improv I do something that makes me really happy, which in turn will make me complete? Who knows.

I haven't done improv for a while. While I didn't feel like I was missing all that much, now that I get back to it I realize I am so happy doing it. It's not a neccesity, but it certainly makes me really really happy. So if that is the case, why can't I do it more in Utah. What is Utah really offering up to me in terms of improv. Right now I can't say a whole damn lot. So why don't I move. But then would I be suggesting that I give up my golden job. Give up the security just so I can be around improv. It sounds so illogical but it's becoming so much more appealing to me.

Ahhhh, who knows. I need to continue these thoughts in a while. I need to talk to my friends back home, get some perspective. I'm in the middle of it right now. I do nothing but sit on the couch and ponder life. Ahhh.

Alright, I'm out.

Laine

 

[hotnoodles]

I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week and a half. I'm just so full of anxiety and excitment. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do. I know what I should do. But it's so hard for me to lean either way. Here are my thoughts. In random order. But documented non the least.

First off, I am enjoying the improv again. I went to SCI on Tuesday and had fun. We played a whole bunch of gimmicky games, but out of those games I had a couple of good moments with my scene partners. I felt like I did some great hightening. It was great. Last night I played with SLC. I was so skeptical. I had no idea what to expect. We had about ten people in the audience, but it was good. I enjoyed it. I felt like a lot of our scenes were clusterfucked. Not a lot of listening. But I am pretty darn proud of a scene I did with Troy. Something about my second grade son graduating and making it possible for us to get out of the trailer park. Then Craig came in saying that we were kicked out of the private school my son was attending. It was pretty awesome. So, let's say, I love my improv. It has the potential to be such a big part of my life.

So, my first thoughts about all this was that I would be giving up so much. I have so many opportunities and so many things given to me at RHSM. I mean shit, I ski for free with my kids. They will pay for grad school. Damn. How could I pass that up. But then this thought entered my head. Who exactly am I working with there? Am I working with people who are my age? Experiencing the things I am experiencing? No. There are so many times in the staff room when I just sit and listen, because I really have nothing to add to the conversation. I am not that old yet! I do not have children. I do not have a house. I want to play and have fun!

Which then made me think, I am young. I have nothing holding me back. Why shouldn't I enjoy myself now. Have rich experiences that will make me a better rounded individual. This would be the time to do it. Yeah, I would be giving up so much, but who's to say I can't find that again. Also, who says that I need that now? I'm young.

But I have job security.

But my passion is improv.

Then I ask myself, does it have to happen now. Why can't you wait a year. Very good point. Think things out. But on the other hand, I want to go now. The program is growing and I want to be part of it's growth. I want to see what these people can do. I want to be a teacher with this program. I have a feeling that if I were to wait a year things would not be as open to me. Bottom line, I want to teach it. Performing is great, I love it so much, but I want to teach it. And I don't know that will be available to me in a year.

I kind of smile to myself when I think this next thought. Living with Kaysi in a new place across the country. What a perfect scenario. Someone to comiserate with when I miss my Rocky Mountains. Someone to fly home with on vacation. Someone to share the bills. I would really like that. I think it would be fun.

Money. What about money. I would be taking a huge pay decrease. I would have to sell my car. That makes me sick. But then, I would be doing something I loved. I would sub, just so I could be in the teaching field still. I actually thought it would be very convienient. I would get to know the private schools. Get my foot in the door. Then, when they need someone to fill in who do they turn to. Super Laine! Hahahah. I crack me up.

I really wonder if I can find something as wonderful as RHSM. I have been handed this awesome job and I really wonder if I should be throwing it away.

And here is where I will leave it. A conversation with my dear brother Marshall, whom I love and adore. He was so excited for me. He was jumping up and down with joy. He said that mom and dad are so conservative and of course they are going to be skeptical. Career is most important to them, not the experiences of life. He told me he was excited when I got my job, but also kind of said because I would not be able to go out there and experience life. He was totally supportive, which I am so thankful for.

Alright, that's it. I think I am done purging. Maybe next time I will have a desicion to share with you. Maybe I won't. Who knows.

 

[hotnoodles]

Nope, not a dream

A girl paces back and forth behind the audience as the announcer babbles on about classes. In the black theater she hears the music, some badass stuff from Kill Bill, Go Go Yurabi style. The crew runs on stage and our girl takes the front and asks, "Where did your grandparents meet?" A loveable smartass in the back replies with "Jail". The crew do a scene paint. It's an old jail that has now been made into a museum for the perpetual tourist. The girl stands there on stage and waits for the scene to beginning. One of the guys walks up rubbing his pretend potbelly and our girl turns to him and says, "Betchya a twinkie that you can't make it through those bars". You could hear silence for a moment then the audience bursts into laughter. Our girl feels that satisfying rush of adrenaline running through her veins once again. The rest of the piece goes on just as well. There were several people scenes where she was a father that loved to compare penis lengths with other fathers. There were manic scenes of squashing pennies and derailing trains. After the show audience members and peers came up to her and commented on how well she had done.

"It's so nice to see females that are funny"

"It feels so good to perform with you again"

"You are so great"

The girl beams at the compliments. They will stick with her for a very long time.


Man it feels good to be me. :inlove: I have performed three shows in the past week. And I did well. I am healthy and happy. I haven't had a headache in a week. I mean, my god. Wow. On top of it all he said he would be thrilled to meet with me. I can feel it just with in my grasp. I am mentally ready to do it. I'm actually excited for what is ahead. Boy is this going to happen fast. :up:

 

[hotnoodles]

Fear and Loathing in SLC


This is what color my hair is now. I love it. Ooooh.

Well, I'm exhausted. Like I can't think straight. Emotionally drained. I just can't believe all the shit that has been going down right now. I just wish things were smooth sailing so I could make it till the end of the year. Shit.

The good thing is that I have started to perform more regularly. Well, sorta. I have performed the last three weekends. I've had four shows. They were pretty fun. I was proud of the work I had done. In one scene I bet Ben's character a twinkie that he couldn't get through jail bars. In another I was a flying parakeet that had found itself in a dryer. It was awesome.

My focus right now is to not get shook on stage. To take in all the information and try to yes and it. It's hard with some players. Like Joe totally throws me. I wish I could work with him more so that I could get used to his style. Occasionally Ben and I would have a great time, but at the same show we would have an akward scene. Who knows. I don't, not really. I am going to keep working on it, pushing myself as much as possible in my scenes.

Peace out yo'.