Nick's Schtick

[Aftertaste]

Howdy everyone! Apparently I’m supposed to say that because I’m from Texas.

Well, well, well, here I am in the big city. Finally, I made it to the best place on earth. Not only can you get a sandwich at 4:15 in the morning, but you can eat that sandwich as well! The only way to get a sandwich that early in the morning in Dallas was to walk from my bedroom, through my living room, through my dining room into the kitchen and make one myself. Fuck that. I don’t have to make myself a sandwich now. And as an added bonus, Here I can reach my refrigerator without getting up from my bed.

Plus, the city overwhelms my senses at every turn. Sure we had urine smell in Dallas, but here it’s made fresh every day. And the sights are so visible. In Dallas we only have a tiny cluster of buildings. Here it’s like you’re in the same place no matter where you are, that’s what I call familiarity! And the pizza flows like water, greasy, cholesterol laden water! The city is alive with noises, sounds and clamor. It’s like the old MacDonald song, “With a honk honk here and a car alarm car alarm there, here a scream there a siren everywhere a crazy ass homeless fucker yelling at a fire hydrant.”*

I love this place. I’m here to make people laugh. I have a simple philosophy on comedy. I’ll do anything to make people laugh, no matter how much it hurts them.

I am intending to continue writing entries for my own bemusement in this journal, but my prediction is there will only be 2 to 3 more.

Yours Seated,
Nick G


*That is a line from my children’s book by the way, so please don’t use it in your children’s book.

 

[Aftertaste]

Happy Post-Holidays

So Christmas is over, or has it just begun? Got to go and spend time with all my relatives in Dallas. Relatives are fun, especially ones from the south. They talk funny and don’t like un-white people. What a hoot.

Ok, New Years Resolutions:

1. Read more, and subtitles on foreign films don’t count this year.
2. Lose some weight, but not all of it cause then I’d be invisible.
3. Every time someone runs by me on the street, point and
scream, “Stop that man!”.
4. Be nicer to people, but just the ones that don’t piss me off.
5. Really make some connections and further my comedic career. Unless it involves sleeping with Horatio, again.

That is all. 5 little resolutions, and so far everything is going swimmingly. Why just today I read the Post. Take that resolution number one.

Nick

PS
Please help me keep my resolutions this year, don’t fucking piss me off. Thanks.

 

[Aftertaste]

Pretty On Pink

I had a dream last night that I broke up with Pink on her prom night. Pink was, of course, very upset. You can’t really blame her. In my dream she was 18, but she looked the same as she does now. This morning I couldn’t help but think about dreams involving celebrities. I have them all the time. Then I couldn’t stop wondering if celebrities ever have dreams about me. You know one of those nasty sex dreams. Then they wake up and think, “Who the hell was that?” And even though I know they don’t who I am; I know I rocked their dream world.

I enjoy milk.

 

[Aftertaste]

Harold Team Audition

I had my Harold team audition yesterday. It was a lot of fun. I never really got nervous or freaked out like I thought I might. The atmosphere was very laid back. No pressure. I just got in there and did it. I did my first scene about a rain collecting bucket and my second scene about a gay couple having a birth mark removed. I almost didn’t go. I've had some doubts lately about my improv prowess. Once I was there I just went with the flow. Afterwards I was glad I did it and didn’t feel one way or the other about it. It was just fun, probably the most fun I’ve had so far doing improv. Then I realized I hadn't auditioned at all. Instead I'd been stabbed in an alley by a crack fiend and was bleeding to death. Oh sweet irony.

PS
MS word needs to learn the word improv.

 

[Aftertaste]

Zero-G String

DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL BABY JESUS IN HEAVEN SITTING ON THE VIRGIN MARY'S LAP IN THE FRONT HALLWAY OF GOD ALMIGHTY’S SUMMER HOME!!!!!!!!!

I know two entries in one day is unheard of but I just saw something so disturbing that I had to share it with all of you nice folks.

I had to go tinkle so I made my way to the men’s restroom at work. I slowly opened the door and walked inside. The stand up urinals are to your right as you enter. The door opens toward them so they are slightly obstructed from your view at first. As the door slowly closed I glanced to my right to see if the urinals were free of urinees. What I saw might have cause deep emotional scars, but it is too soon to tell. I may still be in shock. I see a rather portly man pee peeing in one of the two urinals. His pants are lowered to about his knees. I thought that was odd, until I noticed he was wearing a black G string. I kept moving and entered a stall. I began to sweat and have hot flashes, trying to contain my illegal laughter. The man leaves I start to giggle uncontrollably.

It’s just like my mom would always say, life is like a fat man urinating’s pasty white ass in a G-string.

 

[Aftertaste]

Game Splicing

I had a great idea for a video game. It plugs into the side of your Play Station, and allows you to take the characters from one game and interact with characters from another game. For instance your friends are in the middle of an intense game of basketball, and then from the back wall of the stadium, BOOM! The Hulk busts in like the Kool Aid man and starts ripping the players *new ones. You could still play the B-Ball you would just have to avoid getting near the Hulk. Or perhaps you where in the middle of a fierce firefight on a space station when all of a sudden Q-bert starts jumping up and down on your head. Kick ass right? I’m an idea man.








*Ripping a New One – verb: Insatlling additional opening in the posterior in which waist matter can evacuate bowels.

 

[Aftertaste]

Echinacea This!

I have been sick for the past 5 days. Being sick sucks. Before I went to bed last night I ate an entire bottle of vitamin C. I dreamt about Oompa Loompas having an orgy in Florida. This morning light was shooting out of my fingertips.

Most importantly http://www.nickgibbons.com , enjoy.

 

[Aftertaste]

Help I'm oldening

Tomorrow is the day. I stand at the cross roads of time. I’m waving goodbye to the convertible of my youth as I get blindsided from behind by the Cadillac with the blinker left on of my old age. I will no longer be 30, but officially IN my 30’s. Being 30 was great. “Hey I’m 30.” Or “How’s it going I’m 30.” That didn’t sound so awful. But “I’m 31.” Or “Oh that’s me the 31 year old guy.” Before long I’ll be 32 and it’s all over then. I don’t mind getting older, it’s the aging I hate. There is so much I haven’t done yet. I haven’t adopted any Vietnamese children. I haven’t killed a man just for snoring. I haven’t gotten on a Harold team. I haven’t starred in 4 films then died in a car accident. I guess I have a few hours left to do those things, but it would feel rushed. I just hope I grow old gracefully, not like that Keanu Reaves. Damn you Gary Coleman, WHERE IS THAT FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH!

Also come see my show tonight, it will be awful… good?
http://www.nickgibbons.com

 

[Aftertaste]

Nothing to do but plug.

Hi, you may remember me from such journal entries as "Pretty on Pink", "Game Splicing", and the unforgetable "Help I'm oldening".

It's been a while since I have posted. Nothing interesting has happen to me lately, until now. Like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes of it's cliche' expression, something magical, neh, overwhelming is about to hit. This MONDAY MARCH 22ND at 9:30PM a show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre will rock the very foundation of what you call your reality. A show so contriversal, a show so cutting edge, a show so fresh and new that you will question the very meaning of the word cryptosporidia. This show could only be called EL POCO DIABLO!!!!!!

CUE THUNDER AND LIGHTENING.

And it was good.

SLOW FADE

Please come to our show this Monday. My mom wants it to go well so I won't cry so much. Plus, after the show, I will give everyone that came out a hug.

 

[Aftertaste]

So much to talk about

Man has it been that long? Sorry for the long absence, but you know how it is, the cult just takes up so much of my time these days. Well since we last spoke I have gotten a better job, done 2 sold out sketch shows at the UCB, finished my animation DVD (please for the love of diabetics buy one!), and I have my awesome website up and running. Whew it has been an exhausting couple of months. How have you been? You were always so resourceful, I'm sure you'll bounce back in no time.

Well I do have a bit of crazy news, I was just stuck on an elevator for 30 minutes. It was pretty freaky. We were elevating like normal then it jolted to a halt in mid elevate. I though for about 1 second that I was going to die.

Me and Ben have quite a few shows coming up. I ma excited about that. We have been doing a lot of sketch stuff at various venues and it is proving to be very rewarding.

That is all for now folks so please visit my website and e-mail it to everyone you know, I am trying to start a grass roots campaign.

Love,
Nick

 

[Aftertaste]

The Long and Winding Rant

I like to wait a good 4 or 5 months between posts. It makes it more special.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I performed 2 sold out shows at UCB, I performed a near sold out show at Carolines in Time Square, I got on a Harlod Team, I got kicked off a Harold Team, after the Harold Team was killed we won (to date) 4 cage matches in a row, I sold two films to Spike and Mike and I turned 32.

A lot of my time here in the city has been fun, however a lot of my time has been spent watching people do and get things I want and being very bitter about that. I see people I may feel don't "deserve" something, get the chance at something great. Something I would kill for. And I fume, I boil. I sit in my skin as it slowly eats me away from the inside. Is this healthy? No. Is this anyway to live a productive life? No. Am I more upset at myself for feeling like this then being upset at what I'm upset about? Yes.

I sit around with my friends and talk shit about the other people we know. This isn't productive nor is it neccessary. It is a futile attempt to boost my own self asteem and I am tired of having to do it that way. I am going to try my best at staying away when this trash talking is going on and try my best to not take part. The older I get the more immature I feel.

I have had my fair share of great things happen to me. A lot of them out of the blue, and a lot of them deserved and worked for. But I know I have to stop feeling this way. I need to feel happy for all the good things that happen to anyone and everyone around me. I need to revel in their success as well as my own.

I have decided to make my lot in life. I have learned no one makes things happen for you. Everything I have wanted I have had to make happen myself, and I have done those things because I know that waiting around isn't an option. At the same time what I really want to do seems so out of reach and impossible that it is hardly worth trying.

This is a tough city. I am surrounded by people that want the exact thing I do. I watch extremely talented people push and push and never get ahead. I see people with connections and agents and television work, never get ahead. I watch their wheels spin as they try and try to get "the next big thing" that will propel them to their goal. It is awe inspiring and deflating at the same time. Of the 50 people that should have "made it" by now, 1 to 2 have and there are 1000's trying. Why do I keep going. I know how hard it is, I see how seemingly impossible it is. I am inches away from the people that are doing what I want to do and I can't say or do anything about it. I can't walk up to them and say, "Hey, I'm funny, trust me on this, please hire me, thanks." All these people that don't make it, however, are doing it. They are doing what they love. Sure they may not get a part or exactly what they think they want, they keep trying and that is great.

I'm married, I work in White Plains, I don't have the time or ability to "hang out at bars" every night or at the theater all the time, and schmooze the people I need to schmooze. I know all to well it's who you know and who likes you, that decides a lot of what you get in life. Hard work is very important, but at the end of the day, there are a shit can more "producers" and "execs" in the entertainment industry who got where they are cause they knew, blew, or screwed someone to get there. It's a shitty business, as are most.

This all seems very negative I know, but it isn't. It is a path I have taken to a brighter place. I have traveled through the darkest parts of my soul and the dirtiest parts of my psyche' to emerge and look back at the mess it made. It made me a bitter trash spewing maniac. I hate that. I don't want that anymore. I don't need that anymore.

I know who I am. I don't know what I'm capable of because I'm not done yet, but I know I won't ever give up. I will continue to be tenacious. I will write sketches and perform improv, I will take classes and try to improve, and I will do this from a place of happiness, not a place of bitterness. No matter where I am or where life takes me I will do my best to make people laugh. I will make them laugh and I will laugh along with them. My need to perform will not be out of desperation, but out of love. Love of doing what makes me happiest, making people smile.

I have to take a nap.