New love.... New heart ache...

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fallenangeld

New Member
#1
#1
I've gotten a lot better.. that's why I haven't written.. I don't love him anymore... and by the way his name was Mike.. No.. he's not a part of my heart anymore... I finally saw I'll always have a place from him, but I can't let that part hold me back anymore... actually I did find someone new.. his name is Jamie... we liked eachother a lot, but he doesn't think it'll work becuase he lives in Boise (45 min for where I live) and he's not sure... there's a lot of confusion going between us... because we've liked eachother for a long time actually but never eachother did... and we've gotten REALLY close and now this all comes out... well... now we're consufed about things. I'm sure it'll break thourgh though. I'm in New York right now. I'm visiting my father. It's been ok.. kinda boring, but ok all in all. When I told him I've been diagnosed with being bi-polar and being suicidal.. he though it was bull shit... so it's kinda hard when first he leaves me and mom, I talk to him and see and think I've got him back and them he doesn't help or... support so to say what's going on in my life right now... I'm sure he'll see one day... hopefully... Considernig he's the only one that seems to understand me (out of my parents and parental figures) and understands period. I know my REAL friends do too, but I wasn't counting you guys so don't flip. School is coming up fast and I don't really wanna go back... I don't want an emotional break down there... I was able to hold them off last year but with everything that's happened... well I dunno... I don't think I'm strong enough anymore... It's wierd... I feel like I'm healing, yet I feel myself slipping everyday too... hmmm... I hope things don't go back... I mean I still feel depressed here and then but when I'm not depressed... I almost feel empty... sometimes happy, but mostly empty. Well... I'll be writing more later...
Lost in my mind,
Brianna
Yes that's my name....
 
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fallenangeld

New Member
#2
#2
Schools coming....

I was reminded that I have less then a month until school starts... great... Not only do I not know how I'm going to pay for this year, I don't know how I'm going to make it either... last year I could keep all my emotional attacks hidden cuz I had someone to talk to it about and granted I could probably talk to him still even now, he's in jail and my aunt hates him, so yeah... I don't think I'm strong enough to do it this year... I guess we'll see what happens. Well I know my year is going to be FILLED!! Here are my classes:
11th grade American Lit, Creative Writing, US Hist. 2, Botany, Zoology, Adv. Sociology, Consumer Ec., Adv. Art, Commercial Art, Varisty Choir, Fashion Design, and Child and Adult Development.
There is my year, plus Color guard after school and Honor Society and oh jeez... I won't have a life this year!! How sad... Well, I'll be home Tues... I get to talk to Jamie then... YaY... He makes me smile. Well, not much else to say...
Look into the darkness... there you will find me,
Brianna
 
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fallenangeld

New Member
#3
#3
I'm going home today!!!

Oh I've been so homesick... I can't wait to get home! And See everyone and call Jamie and talk to everyone!! Sorry, I'm a little hyper... I didn't take my pills yesterday so I doubled this morning so I wouldn't get in trouble... it makes me.... high so to say. Well, I board my plane at 1:30 and will be home at 7, note there are time changes! :) Oh jeez... and then Thurs I found out right after registeration I have practice until 2... There goes my chance to go see Jamie... :( Oh well... I guess I'll have to go see him his nest day off... :) Oh I can't wait to get home! But I guess Christa (my cousin) moved out!! SO I get the room to myself now!! YaY!!! :up: But I'm going home to an empty room I guess... and all my stuff has been shoved into the closet... Great... I get to get home and clean... FUN... NOT! :mad: Oh well... Well... I should go... I'll write when I get my comp at home hooked up and stuff.
Overly excited,
Brianna
 
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fallenangeld

New Member
#4
#4
Stressed....

Well Jamie and I are dating... I've decided to date people before I jump back into a relationship. It'll be better for me I think. I've been stressed beyond my edge though.... and I need a break... but I just can't seem to find one... Well School starts next week... great... well I got a job now. I'm a secretary for a legal advisor. I start Tues at noon. Fun stuff. Jamie's gonna come to my first game... great... That'll be embarrasing! lol I'm actually laughing again... and I mean real laughing... I was in Intermountain for a month... well 2 weeks and the other 2 I was transfered to New York.... That's why I was there... They made exceptions and special arrangements so I could see my dad... It was hell... but I feel kinda better. And Jamie and Amber have helped a lot. I'm glad I still have real friends. I've lost quite a few of them... But I've still got some... I'm glad too. I'm in a weird mood today... Well, not much to report...
Life's like a dick.... Fuck it when it's hard,
Breezy
 
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fallenangeld

New Member
#5
#5
First Day

Today's is my first day at work.... Scary... I have about an hour before I start... Well today was Jamie's first day in school. He doesn't think he'll fit in cuz I guess Timberline is a prep school and we're the goths..... I hope it's good for him. Tomorrow I'm going to see Mike, I guess he's not doing well at all. No worries... it won't drag me back to my depression just to go and see him. Well, mys PS2 was stolen and I'm quite pissed about it, but Gruden is gonna buy me a new one. And He better too. I have another diary besides this one. I write more in that one. I like the set up better, but I will still remain faithful to this one too. But here's my other one: http://teenopendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=B735776
Yup. It's at teenopendiary.com. It's pretty cool there. Well I had an appt. with my doctor this morning... I had to tell her about memories that depressed me. But I didn't open all the way up to her. I find it harder to trust women... it's strange. Oh well. I told her a few and then said that's I want to share with you. Well.... I gotta go get ready for work.
Stuck in the old days,
Breezy
 
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